Today is 22 months since you left this world.

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Ronan. 22 months seems impossible. 22 months seems like a joke. 22 months does not seem real. We all miss you so much.

Today, is also Macy’s birthday. I know you would not want me to be sad on this day. I know if you were here, we would have woken Macy up by calling her on the phone and singing, “Happy Birthday,” to her. I will have your brothers do this. I’ll think of you, while they are doing so. I know how much you love your Macy. How much we all love her. She misses you so much.

I love you, Ronan. Happy Birthday, Macy. You are my other soul mate in life. The sister I never had. Thank you for always making us smile and laugh, even on the hardest days. I always say you are one of the most special gifts that Ronan left us.

We love you so much.

xoxo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzDPKBk18Zg

It’s 3:25 a.m.? Rise and Shine Insomnia!

Ronan. Not crying. Not crying. Not crying. Who am I kidding. #cryingallday. Everything hurts. Nothing gets easier. I don’t miss you less. Who is the jackass that made up that “wise saying?” That pain becomes less as time goes on. Obviously someone who never lost a child. I met a friend this morning for coffee. She lost her daughter to cancer. Her baby, was 21 when she was diagnosed. Twenty freaking one. And it was to childhood cancer. If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, nothing will. It scares the shit out of me and I know what it’s like to lose you to cancer. It scares the shit out of me, for Liam, Quinn, and now this Poppy baby. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. But I think about my friends daughter, and the fact that at her age, she knew what was happening. That destroys me. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. And now has to stay here and is expected to go on with this so called life. It’s all so unfair. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. We both ache for our children so badly that it makes every single bone in our bodies throb with pain. Especially during the holidays. Everything seems heightened to the max.

After I left my friend, I ran to the store. I was on a mission to grab some things for our very empty refrigerator. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Homemade crust. Homemade whipped cream. An apple pie first. I had my iTunes on. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. I like to listen to her when I bake. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, “Ronan,” came on. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. Not because I don’t love it. Because I do. So much. I still think it is the most beautiful song that I have ever heard. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. I end up with a black mascara filled face and usually huddled up on the floor somewhere. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. I let it continue to play. I let the tears come, too. Every single lyric, makes me lose it. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. The song finished. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. I let myself get lost in my baking. They turned out beautifully. I hope they taste as good as they look. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. She wanted me to wait for her, to do our pies.

I wonder if my sleep will ever be the same again. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. Your daddy knows I’ve been having the worst time sleeping. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, “Because I don’t know where my child is.” That is how I feel. Like you are missing and not actually dead. Missing but I’ll never be able to find you. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that don’t make sense.

Macy is here now. Tomorrow is here, too. I will do my best to get through the day. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. I am thankful for the friends that are like family who will help us get through the day. I would give anything to be with you, through. I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. That is about the best I can do. I think that is pretty good, considering our circumstances. Last year I probably would have said I was thankful for nothing. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list won’t include stupid black friday. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. As always, I am thankful for you and that I am your mama. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. I would like to rip it’s face off with my bare hands. I’m working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. Nothing will. I don’t even want fucking justice. I just want you back. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. I am so tired of this life without you.

This is all for now. It’s 4 a.m. I’m not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

P.S. Dear lovely little blog readers. I love you. I hope you have a great day today filled with all of the simple things that matter. Thank you for not being thankful for any of the shallow things in life, but for the things that truly matter. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. I am truly thankful for all of you. I love you. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. I was so happy. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. I love you, Liz. I love you, Ronan. I am forever so very sorry I couldn’t fix you.

Hello suicidal friend. Wanna go to Ikea with me?

Ronan. I had a dream about you this morning. I was up off and on all night last night. 12:30 a.m. awake. 3:25 a.m. awake. 6:23 a.m. my phone rang. It was your Sparkly. I shot right out of bed. My heart sunk. Why is he calling so early? Something must be wrong. False alarm. Everything was o.k. I fell back asleep after that. In my dream, I was with your daddy, I think. You and your brothers were sleeping somewhere else that wasn’t our house. I made your daddy drive over to check on you. We opened up a back door to a house that was unlocked. We crept into a bedroom. I was only concerned about seeing you. In my dream, I didn’t know you were dead. I ran over to the bed where a tiny little boys’ feet stuck out of the covers. I pulled down the blanket off of your face just in time to see your beautiful full head of hair and watch you open your eyes and look at me. I kissed your little cheek and felt so happy, but I didn’t know why. I get to see you all the time, in real life, right? I remember saying to your daddy. “He opened his eyes.” Just as I said this, real life happened and the noise from your brothers, jolted me out of my sleep. Oh, how I would have given anything to have had more time with you in that dream. It took me a minute to remember my dream and that you were not here, for me to kiss. That is always the hardest reality to wake up to. The fact that I only get to see you, in my dreams and not here, in your bed or running around our house is such a cruel, horrible reality.

I got up. Helped make breakfast for everyone. Acted as though everything was o.k. this morning when mornings around here are never o.k. My heart has been heavy for the past few days. Remember that sweet boy, Teddy, that we spent some time with in San Diego this summer? The sweet little Teddy that reminded me so much of you? He has been doing really great, then suddenly out of the blue, his parents find out that his Neuroblastoma is spreading like wildfire. They have been told there are not many more options left. His mom, whom I adore, is faced with the decision to just let Teddy live out the time he has left here, or put his through some really harsh chemo to try to slow this monster down. The same kind of chemo, that left us inpatient at Sloan for 24 days, and did nothing for your disease. My heart is breaking. I don’t understand how this can just keep happening to these kids who are so loved in this world and are so innocent. I feel so helpless for his family. I don’t want them to know this life I live, one without your child. It is just too cruel of a world to live in. Please keep Teddy in your thoughts, prayers or whatever else you do. Ronan. You know what to do little man. I promise I am trying to fix this as best as I can. I just can’t keep up with all these kids dying, one after the other. I wish I had a magic wand and wishes really worked. I wish everything was that simple. You can visit Teddy’s caring bridge, here. I know what his parents have decided to do. I will wait for them to post an update, to tell us all.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teddybergergreer/journal

Even though it might seem like I’m in a really dark place right now… because I am. I am still managing to somewhat function in this too bright of a world. For instance, yesterday I went to a kids fest, Ro. A kids fest without you in tow. Do you know how achingly hard this was for me to do. A festival full of healthy kiddos, just as the world should be. There was not one bald head in sight. I was asked to do a reading there of the kids book, “The Lorax.” I had so much anxiety about this the night before. I tossed and turned. Dreamed about not being able to get through the book, without you there. I took your daddy and your brothers. Fernanda and her 3 boys met us there, too. I sat in a chair and read this story to about 20 kiddos. I talked to you before hand on the drive out there. I closed my eyes in the car. “Please Ronan. I need you today. Help me get through this. Keep me calm, cool, and collected. Help me do this. Stay with me. I need your help today.” I thought to myself, this can either go two ways. I can lose my shit and not be able to control my emotions as I knew having to look out into a sea of kids, and not see your face was going to be rough… or I can keep it together and stay focused on the people I had there, who I love so much. I looked out into the audience. I saw Fernanda’s face. Her boys. Your daddy. Your brothers. I looked down at my feet to see a random little girl, playing with my sparkly shoes while I was reading. This made me smile. I can do this today. I will do this today. I will do this and be proud of myself for doing something that feels so hard to me. I let myself be proud for the .2 seconds that I allowed. That is all I needed. Your brothers had the best day. They got to run wild and free after my reading and enjoy being the 9 year olds they are. I am always glad to see that. I let that be enough for the day.

I have been busy around here getting ready for our Macy’s arrival. Quinn has probably asked me about 10 times what day Macy will be here and what time. She changes the whole dynamic of our family in such a good way. For the time that Macy is here, it is always a time full of laughter, love, and peacefulness. We seem to always have plenty of tears, too, but somehow the tears feel easier when Macy is around. I am so thankful she is coming in for our second annual Macegiving. I am so grateful for our sweet friend who is a part of our family. I am so thankful that she will be here for us on another one of our hard holidays. They all seem pretty hard, but things are a little less hard when Macy is around.

This is all for tonight, little one. Rita just texted me, “Hello suicidal friend. Wanna go to Ikea with me?” That is some seriously funny shit right there. At least it totally made me laugh out loud.  I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo

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