Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful moments instead

Ronan. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. I cried after I dropped your brothers off at school, I cried over every single Taylor Swift song that came on the C.D. I was listening to, I cried when I ran over to the mall looking for a very specific gift which I could not find, I cried when I went over to the baby girl section and tried to look at the clothes. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. Today, I didn’t see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. What is wrong with me? Then I remembered. Grief. Hormones. Pregnancy. Stress. Not sleeping well. Missing you. A lot is wrong with me, actually. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. All of this is way much for one person to handle. I left the mall, upset and sent my little Mandy Bee a message. “I need your help. Call me.” I told her about the gift I needed to find. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. She called around to a few places. Tomorrow will be better with my sidekick in tow to help out with my crisis which is actually not a crisis at all. It felt like it today.

I got a text from your Sparkly. I went down to his office. I picked up Starbucks. A coffee for him. A water for me. We shared some fruit and nuts. We sat and caught up. Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. “Why are your eyes so red today?” He asked. Fuck, I thought to myself. I was not going to mention to him, how I had been crying most of the day but apparently my bloodshot eyes were not cooperating. “Oh, that would just be because I’ve been crying all day.” “Why so much today? Just the usual?” he asked. “Yes. Just the usual. I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, that’s all.” He knows that. He always knows that. We talked about some other things. He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. I told him how he was pretty much the only person I listened to in this life anymore. He knows that too. You know what I told him today? That my life without you is full of so much pain, sadness and hurt. That all I get now are beautiful moments in life. I don’t get a life full of beauty, only moments. Those moments mean so much to me. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. This is why it is so important to me, the people we surround ourselves with and the life we choose to live. The moments of utter beauty and bliss that I only feel by being with certain people. I soak them up whenever I can, as much as I can. They help me to survive this life I live now, without your sparkly eyes, little laugh and sweet lips. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. I’m afraid this is the best it is going to get. I will be thankful for those moments. I am trying my best. But I miss the days when life was always beautiful, always joyful, always full of such love and laughter. Back when you were healthy and here. Everything was so simple and so easy. I was always so thankful for what we had. It’s hard to have the all ripped away and still look on the bright side of things. Mother fucking asshole cancer. I hate you.

We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbell’s. We sat, just the 4 of us and I tried to let myself relax and enjoy our dinner. This never happens for me. My mind is always wandering to where you would be sitting, what you would be eating, how beautiful your little face would have looked lit up by the flickering of the candlelight. We talked about Poppy for a while. I told your brothers once again, how I really want to name this baby girl, Poppy. They are so not cool with it. Quinn looked at me and said, “Why do you want to name her Poppy? That is basically like naming her Wooddawg.” I had to laugh at that. I told him about the story that somebody told me about the Poppy flower.

Flanders is the name of the whole western part of Belgium. It saw some of the most concentrated and bloodiest fights at the first world war .

There was complete devastation. Buildings, roads, trees and natural life is simply disappeared. Where once there were homesΒ and farms there was now a sea of mud, a grave for the dead where the men still live and fought.

Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. It brought life, hope, color and reassurance to those still fighting.

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.


We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders Fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.
John McCrae 1915

I’ve am living in a war zone every single day. I am surviving, just like the Poppy flower. If I wasn’t sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. Who am I kidding? I think the name is darling and it truly makes me smile. It makes me feel happy. I don’t think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. Even if we name her something else, she will be called Poppy as a nickname. It is already her name, and she is not even here. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. I think you would have liked the name. I think it would have gotten the Ronan seal of approval.

This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . I am as always, wiped out. I’ll fall asleep quickly as I have been doing so easily lately. Only to wake up around midnight to toss and turn for the rest of the night. I kind of miss my Ambien is the devil days. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. Sometimes, I miss it. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little one.


67 responses to “Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful moments instead”

  1. Oh my god. Poppy Ronan Thompson.

    It’s perfect. PERFECT.

    1. Absolutely and completely. And I just thought of something- look at the initials. PRT. When you say it it sounds like part. Perfectly fitting. Poppy is one going to be a huge part of your heart. She will put back some of the parts that you lost when Ronan was lost. I know that a lot of those parts won’t ever come back, but that’ll be a start. And just another suggestion, it’s kind of one of those things that just appears. What about Ronana? I just typed Ronan above, but I was typing fast, and that was what was typed. Just sounds pretty cool to me. Also, Sheila’s idea (down below) is pretty, too. Poppie. Either one will work, obviously, but Poppie is different. Unique.

      1. I heard ‘Roni’ at Target yesterday. Thought of Poppy immediately. Asked how the spelling of her name was (it is like I wrote it). Another cool idea to take after her big bro.

  2. Maya, I am thinking Poppy is so appropriate and after reading this, WOW!!! To have a name with such incredible meaning behind it…DARLING AND STRONG, what more would you expect from a daughter of yours. She is already a WARRIOR like her Mama πŸ™‚ How about Poppie (the “I” may make it a bit more feminine. Sending good thoughts your way!!

  3. Romama,

    Hope you dream with your Lil Brad Pitt blue eyed spicy monkey!!! πŸ™‚
    Team Poppy!
    Sweet dreams! Thinking of you & Rockstar Ronan! I’m so happy you have Mr. Sparkly Eyes πŸ˜‰

    Sleep tight xo

  4. Crossing my fingers that you and your ninja accomplish all you need to tomorrow and that your boys fall as deeply in love with the name “Poppy” as this reader has from the beginning….and now even more so. ❀ to you Maya

  5. I bought a Poppy froma veteran this past weekend. I thought of you and your baby girl instantly! Lol.. Think of you all…all the time. Thanks for writing. You are helping people in so many different ways more than you can imagine!

  6. Oh Maya dear, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. You do live in a war zone, but keep soldiering through! You are well on your way to changing the world; I know it as sure as I know how much you loved that precious baby boy. And you name that sweet baby girl anything you want my dear; her name won’t matter to the boys after they see and fall in love with her. Continue to surround yourself with all the special people in your life, and remind everybody else that you are a grieving mother, and it wouldn’t take much to choke a bitch πŸ˜‰ Hoping for brighter days for you!

  7. You are beautiful. And so is the name Poppy…not only are you like the poppy…but so is she. ❀

  8. Thinking of you!! Praying for you, angry for you, trying to understand why for you but that’s a question we are trying to all figure out. We need more funding, more go getters, more people who live eat & breathe beating cancer the F Up!! These children have been robbed of their lives, they have suffered, they have stayed extra strong for their loved ones…now their loved ones suffer, grieve, weep, scream, ask why, wonder how they will get out of bed everyday, face the world without you…they are now living a different life, stable to the extent that they will make it through, unstable to the extent that in the backs of their minds they don’t want to go on without you BUT they will for you, for the other children out there fighting this brutal disease. I promise you maya & you Cindy Campbell that i will fight the fight always for Ronan and Ty!!!!

  9. With Team Poppy.. Beautiful name and very appropriate. Keep staying strong and fighting.

  10. Maya, this post is so touching. You tugged at me deep inside my soul with this one. Sending love, as always.

  11. Oh Maya. I’m so saddened that your grief is so strong. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I do know all my feelings were amplified when I was pregnant, and for a bit after. After Poppy comes, and your body takes control of itself again, I hope your grief will not be so profound. It sounds like I’m a big dumb-ass to say you won’t have strong feelings of grief, whih is rediculous. I guess what I’m saying is I hope it won’t be so overwhelming and constant once you reclaim your body. I always thought being pregnant was like housing an alien in my body, that made me feel like crap and act like a jerk. Once they were born, I felt better. Wishing you the best. Take care.

  12. Absolutely ADORE the name! It’s so beautiful and simplistic, yet with so much meaning. Also, I created a blog, and the link below is a post about Ronan:

  13. I like it too; is exactly what you said, no matter her actual name will be, she is Poppy πŸ™‚

  14. “Poppy” is a beautiful name for a beautiful girl to arrive, or even as a nickname.
    Take care,
    Nadine from Belgium!!

  15. My life has been changed by your son,i never done anything for charity,i made donations but never actively got involved,your son changed that,i signed up two weeks ago as a virtual runner for the half marathon in phoenix on jan 20th 2013 with my goal of raising 500$ for the foundation,this puts me so out of my comfort zone but i am determined,i do run but am injured at the moment,i live in the Republic of Ireland,but i am putting in place a plan to travel to Arizona in 2014 to run the marathon in aid of the foundation,i hate flying:-)i really mean that.have never done a long haul flight in my life..ever,but someone has guided me to this foundation,your fight is my fight now,my second boy reminds me so much of Ro,but Ronan is changing the world,he is changing the fight against cancer,he is a true inspiration like you.I will be there in 2014,I will spend the rest of my days fighting for this cause to make sure that in the future children(the little ones)do not have to suffer.Carpe Diem

  16. Maya,

    I think you only allow yourself to cry after you drop the twins off because you are trying so hard to be everything for everyone all at one time. It’s these quiet times that you are finally able to feel that you are hurting. I know it’s not on the same level…but my Dad was sick for well over a year and spent the in the final 6 mo. in the hospital in Little Rock (over an hour drive for us). My Mom and I took turns going down every day, staying nights, weekends…in this time my life was a blur…my youngest son lived in daycare, and I feel like I didn’t even raise him. About 8 mo after he passed I had a huge rash, my hair was falling out, and I couldn’t stop crying. The doc said it was finally letting myself grieve. That I had taken care of my mom, hubby, my kids, and my dad but not myself during such a sad and hard time. He put me on all type of anti-depressants, anxiety pills, sleep aides, etc. I took them about two weeks and felt numb. That’s the last thing I wanted to feel, especially as my kids were feeling the pain of losing their grandpa and my mom still coping with the loss of a husband. Its been 3 yrs and still today I’m crying as I’m writing this. I miss him. My mom and I are making a quilt out of all his shirts( he had a thing about long sleeved corderouy button downs…lol), I even kept a bar of soap that he used in one of those plastic soap containers, and once in a while I’ll spray the container with his cologne because my Dad always smelled so good when he got ready.
    My point is it took me almost a year to grieve, right now you are having to fight these emotions because of lil Pop Rocks ( my nickname for Poppy because like her brother she is going to be spicy, bubbly and bring so much joy), I think your kind of a pressure cooker right now…only letting off a lil steam along the way, don’t be suprised when Poppy is born that tidal waves of emotion flow through you.

    Well enough of me rambling, time to get my 2 boys up and start getting ready for school. Good luck today Maya, you’ll find the perfect gift. (((hugs))) always…Kristine

    PS…sorry about sharing my story. It pales
    in comparison to losing Ronan.

  17. Love the Poppy story, so fitting! She’ll ROCK it!

  18. I love that poem. I had to memorize it for a sophomore English class. As soon as you mentioned Flanders Fields, I stated saying it in my head. :). That name is perfect.

  19. I love you Maya…i wish i could give you a giant hug. I think about you and your family often and just know this baby will bring many beautiful moments that will add to minutes, hours and years.

  20. I think Poppy is a beautiful name for your little baby girl.
    This is “somewhat” off the topic but i was wondering if you had ever heard of

  21. Maya! Thank you for sharing your day.. i think about your boy every single day.. Everything reminds me of him!! the colour purple, star wars, monkeys, so many songs, mickey mouse, but most of all my own baby daughter who is 3 and a fiesty little lady so full of her own opinions already and full of fun and love.. there is days i wanna scoop her up and hide somewhere with her to shield her from this world but i know i cant do that. i am so sorry you lost Ro to that evil disease. He truly was an angelic little prince.. I think the work you do is amazing!!! I never realised so little funding went into childhood cancers.. i wonder how it is in Ireland.. prob the same.

    Love to your family stay strong and let yourself cry whenever you need to. Crying is much healthier than keeping it all in..


  22. So sorry Maya. Hope today is better even just a little bit. Love to you…

  23. Maya,

    I’m so sorry about Ronan, I don’t know what else to say, I hope Poppy brings you guys so much joy….but nothing can replace a child. He was a beautiful little boy and is touching so many.

    I know of a family who’s 3 year old is fighting neuroblastoma right now. (My sister-in-law met her because my niece is currently undergoing treatment for leukemia). They are a military family and were brough into Walter Reed here in the DC area. I know they are at Sloan now. They have 8 kids and the mom is alone with the little guy. I’ve been reading your blog and one thing that has struck me is how much you had to navigate and figure out Ronan’s treatment. If there is anyway I can connect you with this family please let me know at I know there’s not much I can do to help them but thought if they could connect with someone who has been through it and might have advice it would help. I can’t imagine what they are going through. I especially think you might be able to help since they are at Sloan…I know from this blog what you went through there and your feelings on the treatment. I don’t want them to waste time doing something that won’t help!

    Ronan is amazing…thanks for sharing him πŸ™‚

    1. Jen- is the little boys name, James? I just started following James who was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma last month. He has a Facebook page under “Love for James” I’m heartbroken that this fucking monster cancer has gotten ahold of another sweet baby 😦 I was wondering what hospital he was at.

      1. Hey, I just saw this. I think it might be James but I’m not positive. I’ll ask my sister in law. She’s in the hospital now too with my niece, admitted because of her low ANC. Thanks you for replying. After reading this blog knowing even one other family has this nasty disease is awful.

        Cancer has touched our family in many ways. My sister in law lost her mom to breast cancer, her husband had testicular cancer and now her only daughter who it took her over 2 years to conceive. WTF?

  24. Wow. The story of the warzone and the poppy is eerily fitting, in a really beautiful way! Trying to get the boys on board might not actually happen til once Poppy is born…had I left it up to our oldest who was 10 when our little guy was born his name would have been Rusty, cause we were on vacation when I was pregnant and stayed near a surf shop with that name (really???) Once his little brother was born he agreed that we’d made the right choice by ignoring his rusty request and naming him carsten instead πŸ’™

  25. I love the name Poppy, so beautiful!!! You have a beautiful soul! Your in so much pain and could easily just never leave your bed but you get up each day and keep working so hard for the greater good of others! You are such a wonderful mother and person! Thank you for sharing your blog with us, it has changed my life and my views in general. Thank you for helping me now embrace little things with my kids that in the past may have irritated me which now just seems ridiculous! Much love Maya!

  26. I also want to add I cannot say this enough! I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry you lost your beautiful Ronan. I love the pics of him. Wherever Ronan is I truly believe he is always around you, I truly hope he is:)

  27. I know you are not a big t.v. watcher but there is a t.v. star whose name is Poppy Montgomery. I always thought it was a pretty name. I am sure you can get the boys to join Team Poppy! Love to you and your family.

  28. I already commented on this, but read the post again and just have to say- I can’t wait for Poppy to get here. I can’t wait until she is here in your arms and you feel that love and see Ronan in her. I hope she’s a spitting image of him and those crazy amazing blue eyes. I have not lost a child so I am not even trying to say I understand but I can somewhat imagine that the ONLY thing that can ease the pain and somewhat ‘heal’ that deep, deep void, is to hold another precious baby of yours in your arms. Ronan’s sister. Like, unreal. I can’t wait for you. And for Woody and the boys! I can’t wait until you can hit the pavement again and heal a little more that way. And go on your crazy hikes and just be a crazy mama bear and own your body again.

    Breathe today, mama. You have an army on your side. I really, really hope and pray that you feel our support, encouragement, prayers, tears, and most of all- our love. For you and Poppy and for your boys. And Ronan. I love you.

  29. Never commented on here before, but wanted to let you know that another Nashville, TN blonde follows your blog and I keep you and your family in my constant thoughts and prayers. πŸ™‚

    Not that you asked my opinion, but I love the name Poppy, Poppi, or Poppie! It is even listed under girls’ names online. I decided to have a little fun though and looked it up in other languages – if you can’t get everyone to agree with Poppy. πŸ™‚ The Japanese word for Poppy is Keshi, Indian American is Qupe’, German word for Poppy is Mohn (Mohnica?), Native American word for it is Melitta, and finally many versions have derivatives of poppy flowers that begin with the letters Ana, and also Betha is the word for seed in some languages – thus… Anabeth. Just a little fun I had – still like Poppi best though. πŸ™‚

  30. A beautiful poem about a horrific war. Thanks for sharing

  31. “Poppy Ronan Thompson” is a great name. She can be “PoRo” for short like your therapist is JoRo.

  32. Completely sold on Poppy. So cute and it has a true meaning behind it! Think of you all the time and constantly thinking about how I could help you. I may only be 14, but I’ve got lots of drive, determination and LOVE in my heart! You’ve got all these things by the bucket loads Maya,! You and baby Ro are inspirations to people everywhere! You’re making a difference, Maya. Hope you see Ronan in your dreams tonight. πŸ™‚

  33. Hello Maya
    I’m fifteen at this moment so I can’t even get a glimpse of what you mus have felt when you lost Ronan. I lost my aunt because of cancer and just this sunday I lost my Grandfather too. My mother was in a bad state and was crying her eyes out I cried a lot too but I didn’t let anyone see me.Losing a son must be a gazillion times worse but you should know that Ronan is in a better place now . He is up there with Him where nothing can hurt him not even cancer.I know it is so hard to let go but you have to do if not for yourself do it for Poppy I hope she grows out fine and may god bless you all.

  34. Maya the way you let people in to your reality amazes me. I feel like you are reading my days and mind. I lost my daughter almost two months ago. Everyday is worse than the day before. I hear people saying it will get better but how? I fought everyday for her life and options how could it just be over? A mothers love and determination should be able to save their child is all I think. I aslo get upset wondering how could she leave without getting my permission. It is such silly thoughts. I can’t let people in those I feel like I would seem nuts. I see kids being dropped off and wonder why we didn’t get that. They don’t know the pain of seeing your child sick what do they know? When someone says how strong you are its where u think 2 yourself u have no choice. You do have a amazing new beginning but I also understand firsthand any good event is painful. Thank you for allowing my thoughts to have word I didn’t even know how to formulate.

  35. Maya,
    Somehow I have gotten obsessed with your blog. I’m a mother of two and am struggling with my toddler’s health lately. Your words have touched me in such a powerful way, I think about you and Ronan all the time. My heart hurts for you and it just feels so heavy. No mama should ever go through this and no child should suffer like this. Thank you for raising awareness and not giving up on a cure. Each night, as stressful as it is raising two kids, working full time and drowning in bills….you have reminded me to cherish each moment with these little angels. By the way, Poppy is a beautiful name and its perfect for her.
    (first generation Belgian American…..loved your Belgium story, by the way there is an East Flanders too….that’s where we’re from!) LOL

  36. Dear gorgeous Ronan’s Mum – I heard Taylor Swift’s song for Ronan on the radio today. I never cry (long story – violent step father!!) but I drove along sobbing as the song played as the origins of it had been explained prior to it being played. I cannot imagine the pain you go through each day. If I lost my gorgeous boy I wouldn’t want to keep on living. I just wanted to tell you that – and that I drove through the Poppy fields in Belgium when they were in full flower many years ago when I lived in Europe. They were beautiful and I think that Poppy is a gorgeous name. Lots and lots of love to you – Trish from New Zealand.

  37. I can’t even say anything right now, I just wish there was something I as a person could do, but i totally think you should name her Poppy. After all, she is your poppy flower in a way. Take it easy.

  38. Maya, I wanted to let you know there is a hotel in Ocean City NJ, called ” The Flanders Hotel”. It is named after Flanders field.. My daughter loves it there. She knows everything about it. She has been in love with it since she has been 4 years old. Maybe one day you will be able to see it. We are not far from NY.

  39. Love the name Poppy , it’s original, meaningful and really sweet!

  40. I’ve always loved that poem and sang a version of it in High School.

  41. I feel like Taylor’s song Red is about Maya’s love for Ronan. He is everywhere. So special.

  42. go with your gut; the heart rarely leads one a stray so name that precious new soul: POPPY. its written in the stars. that just HAS to be her name. Poppy Ro Thompson. done deal. thank you for being 110% you in all your glory. hearts & thoughts, t.gray in Oregon.

  43. One of my dearest friend’s name is Poppie. I really treasured the meaning of names as I named my children. The name “Poppy” is a winner! Sweet Dreams!

  44. Maya,
    I may be young lady not even close to 18 yet, but hearing your story inspires me to be strong! I have been through a lot, but not as much as you! I listen to Taylor’s song for your baby boy almost everyday and tears just fill my eyes! You will make it through this I think the name Poppy is amazing! You just keep your head up girl and keep rocking a smile. Ronan is looking down on you, boasting about you in heaven because his mamma is a strong woman! πŸ™‚ ❀

  45. Why do people change the spelling of names? Poppy is just fine xo

  46. I too love the poem Flanders Fields. The poppy is a symbol of remembrance here in Canada and Flanders Fields is recited across the country every Remembrance Day. It has a very special meaning to me because someone I really respected and who is deeply, deeply missed was killed in Afghanistan. This year, when I saw all the poppys pinned to people’s coats, I also thought of your little Poppy, and it was nice to think of something good, rather than something sad. I love your name choice.

  47. I too thought of you Monday, and just can’t imagine a more perfect name. I loved it from the beginning and now I can’t help but see a little baby face framed with big bright red petals.

  48. I love the name Poppy, it’s particularly special to me because I would call my Grandpa, Poppy-not Papi, like a lot of people ASSume. This post made me really miss my grandpa because I would have called him up and told him someone was going to name their child Poppy. He probably would have chuckled and told my grandma like a hundred times because she was deaf, but not really deaf lol. His actual name was Henry which I will name my son, when, if I ever have a son. And if and when I do become a mommy, I will to be a wonderful, awesome, kickass mom like you. Keep up ur kickassness-always keeping you guys in thoughts. xoxo.

  49. I like the story behind the name but I agree with Quinn. Maybe because I’m use to all the Mexicans hollering papi around here I just think of a big fat man with a sombrero But you do love your Mexican food so maybe it works πŸ˜‰

  50. I adore Poppy! It is cute, with the perfect amount of spicy! You’re right, I bet Ronan loves it. I think the poem about Flanders Fields is so meaningful. I can never understand why this had to happen to you. Why not me, instead? I know Poppy’s not going to fill that empty hole in your heart, but I hope she brings spice and sparkle into your life. You are my rockstar, there’s no one like you. πŸ˜‰

  51. Maya,
    I just love reading every single word of your story, sorry about my english mistakes,
    IΒ΄m Brazilian and I read your blog always, you bring tears to my eyes, you are such a strong and beautiful woman. Once I was in a coma, because of a pneumonia, I almost died, the doctors said to my mommy that It was almost impossible for me to survive, I survived, and I wish Ronan survived the way I did. It hurts, but I can tell you that heΒ΄s in a better place, I was there in my coma, itΒ΄s a beautiful place, with no pain. I hope Poppy bring joy to your life.

  52. I think it would be fun for all of Maya’s followers to throw her a virtual shower and send her gifts from all over the world to let her know she is loved by many. Not sure how to accomplish that but wouldn’t it be fun to overload that Post Office box with gifts from all of us for little Poppy? I have a feeling Poppy will get a lot of purple, for obvious reasons… and we know she wants a non traditional shower and I think that would be pretty damn non traditional : )

  53. I know my opionion doesn’t count, but if I was your friend I’d tell you the same thing dont name her poppy! It’s a cute nickname for her, but one day she is going to grow up think about a teenage girl getting called poppy I would loathe my mother lol. Plus in school kids can be a little asses I know one girl named poppi and the would always ask her if she has opium bc it comes from poppy seeds. I think Ronan would have liked the name though it sounds like poopy and he could have call her that if she had a stinky diaper. Give your girl a name she can grow into and be proud of as she gets older best of luck!

  54. Hi maya I hope your reading my comment
    In general because I have an attachment
    To Ronan when I was 17 months old I was
    Diagnosed with a cancer like Ronan and
    When I heard about him I prayed and
    Prayed I could be able to see and hear and
    Talk to him along with my friend lulu who
    Passed away when she was four and I cried
    So much but god sent them to me and I am
    Hear to say Ronan is with you and me and
    He is safe all day long with me so please
    Contact me back my name is Tate Balcarek
    And I’m ten years old and remember Ronan
    Is safe always!!!

  55. There is a Brazilian movie called “Nosso Lar”. I know it’s hard, but maybe if you know that Ronan actually reads your blog and knows everything, that he can always see the prayers of all people, well, maybe you feel better for a moment. Believe me, Ronan’s not dead, it’s not forever. Ronan is the place where we all go one day. That kiss on his face was not the last, you will kiss again, trust me.

    1. I’m sorry, Ronan is in the place we will go someday (he is not the pace…). But well, close your eyes, enjoy your life now and time will pass, and when you open it again, your family will all be togheter πŸ™‚

  56. Sabrina Maldonado Avatar
    Sabrina Maldonado

    Waiting at the Door

    I can’t explain so deep inside
    The very fabric of my soul
    Only a heart that grieves such loss
    Can ever truly understand

    It’s like you’re waiting at the door
    Until a loved one comes back home
    You feel a longing in your heart
    When they appear the longing stops

    But in a loss that never ends
    You’re always standing at that door
    You feel the longing in the breeze
    So incomplete and never filled

    I cannot find the words to say
    Just what it’s like to want forever
    Never seeing them again
    Just always waiting at the door

    I saw this and it reminded me of how you say you feel all the time. You are a very strong women and I admire you Ronan and your family very much. I’m helping you in this fight against fucking cancer. Anything you do I have your back πŸ™‚

    Love always
    Sabrina Maldonado

  57. I just want you to know I just finished reading all our blogs from start to finish. I can not tell you how deeply sorry I am that you lost the battle to cancer with Ro… I know you want to still be holding him every day! I have a DeafBlind son that I have almost lost so many times. It totally freaks me out. and
    I know those times when you feel you have to put on a strong front, screem at the top of your lungs when you know no other soul is around to hear you and laughing like crazy because you don’t want to cry in front of someone. I wish I could help out some way but I’m fighting my own way with my 10 year old. I too have two older kids… they all are so precious to me. Kodi draws people in… His beautiful dark brown eyes now are sunken and deteriorating… I love some doctors and I dislike some and their stupid comments. It was not long ago the tech for an eye examine told me the raw definition of phthisis “Its like when a grape shrinks to a raisin. That is what Kodi’s eyes are doing!” This was on the phone and I barely made it home and I threw up. I am finally getting life a little calmer where I’m telling more of these stories. “PEOPLE PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU BLURT THINGS OUT!”
    What we mom’s go through to carry this little person inside us for 9 months is a ton of work, energy and emotional. These little creatures are amazing and wonderful. To be damaged, disabled or taken away from us is NOT fair. I still have my little grizzly bear and i love to cuddle with him. But he suffers pain physically and he is trapped inside with this pain with no communication. People say things like God picked a good mom for this little boy, you must be such a strong person he is truly blessed to have you…. Good grief… If I truly believed this I would HATE God! But no… I have learned God hats it just as bad. But I have learned he allows this suffering for a reason… Not to get more angels… He’s God for crying out loud! He would just create more angels… But he is allowing Satan to prove his point. He’s failing miserably and very soon he is going to step in and restore all that is wrong, remove all wickedness, sickness and death from earth and even bring back those just asleep in death. No heaven… to a perfect paradise earth full of perfect people like he intended with his son Jesus ruler from heaven over earth. All of mans governments will be removed… I know people think its strange… but I have learned why the true God allows suffering temporary… It’s not the lies people get told by their churches like God needs an angel… Run… those lies are coming from God’s enemy! It’s to get you to hate God and to lose faith in him. Then you miss out on God’s purpose for the future…
    Keep searching for your answers in the Bible… You will be amazed how much peace you feel. It’s the only I can still stay sane! I can’t wait for my little man to see again, hear, and run a play with his most awesome sibs and cousins.
    I’m happy for your new little Poppy!!! You will never forget Ronan and nor should you.
    Would love to meet some day. Even though it’s not cancer here both of us have been shell shocked by having our kids go through so much pain and suffering… I hate hospitals~~~ I laughed and cried at your stories… I know them all two well myself!!! Hang in there and continue to be such a good devoted mom!
    Kodiak’s mom

  58. What a beautiful story, sorry still not a fan of the name poppy. Since hearing you were pregnant the name Rory popped in my head. Liam Quin Ronan and Rory sounds way better to me and it’s Irish! πŸ’šπŸ€

    1. I love Irish baby girls names a few other names made me think of you with Ronan being the middle name and meaning little seal names like these would sound beautiful together
      Ashlynn- vision dream
      Bria- strong
      Erin- peace another name for Ireland
      Maeve- joyous
      Nora- honor
      Rory- famous Brilliance
      Shaneley- heroes child
      Sheridan- free wild
      Tiereny- noble

      1. Poppy Ronan Thompson sounds perfect πŸ™‚

  59. Hi, Maya! I never left any comment to you before, but always follow your blog and your fight, your strength makes us want to make a difference too. Ronan’s story changed my way of seeing the cancer, not because of the music of Taylor, she was just a way to know the story, but because I never stopped to think about childhood cancer, in fact, I never stopped to think about cancer. I am Brazilian and I realized that around here do not talk much about the subject and are rare cases that are reported. So, I decided to be helpful in some way, and created a blog to count cases like Ronan.
    The first post was dedicated to him, I tried to summarize the most, but had so much to be said … and I promise I’ll always remind him there. The blog is bilingual, so if want to take a look, welcome …

    Note: I use google translator to facilitate and not have to be searching for the right word, so if there is something wrong, please disregard and keep in mind that what matters is the message.

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