Ronan. Hi my lovey. Missed you so much today. It was another long day. My mind is drawing a blank at how it even started. I remember now. Woke up, threw on some clothes and ran into town to go to the grocery store. Heidi, Luke and Lily were coming over from Mission to spend the day with us. I got some food at the store for lunch. They arrived around noon and we all headed out to the beach for the day. You would be proud of me as I didn’t spend the day hiding. I spent it enjoying being with your family instead. It’s been much too long since we’ve enjoyed your cousins. It was just what we all needed today. We played in the sand and I actually enjoyed the day as much as I could. At one point, Luke was playing football with your daddy. It made me miss you so much. I miss watching you play. You loved to play with Luke so much.
I had two different women approach me at the beach today just to say hello and they wanted to let me know how much you have changed their lives. It was very sweet to hear and as always, I was so thankful for the kind words that they had to say. I hope you will continue to inspire people everywhere and for as long as I live, I will help you do this. It is one of the many gifts you have left behind and I am honored to carry it on for you, baby boy.
After our day at the beach and pool, we went down to pack up our things. We were gathering up all of our sand toys, boogie boards, towels, beach chairs, etc…. when the dolphins appeared. We all watched them together and Luke kept yelling out, “It’s Ronan, it’s Ronan!” It was pretty amazing that just as we were getting ready to leave, that they came out just in time for us to see them. I’m going to miss those dolphins when we return back to Phoenix. They have been something that I so look forward too. I’m just hoping you’ll continue to leave me little signs, everywhere.
Your daddy had a night out with the boys. He took Luke, Quinn and Liam to a Padres game. They had a blast and Luke caught a ball. They stayed for the entire game, which I didn’t think they would do, but they did as they ended up having a really good time. I spent some time with Liz. We went out to dinner, walked around, attempted to go play Lazer Tag, but as soon as we got there, it was closing….. we drove around, got Fro Yo, and basically just spent some time together. We talked a lot about you, about life, about God, heaven, religion, etc. She has questions now about everything. I’m glad. She is insightful, yet thoughtful about the things in life that nobody knows the answers to. I appreciate that so much.
We are leaving to go back to Phoenix in a few days. I’m nervous and anxious about it. So much reality there that I have avoided. It’s hard to imagine going back to our life before all of this. I don’t have a choice though. I cannot avoid this life without you forever. I am thankful that we spent your last week at The Ryan House and that is where you passed away. I know I struggled with this decision forever, as I just wanted you at home, but I think now the right decision was made. The thought of having to go back to our house, with that memory of you there, would have not been good. It is going to be hard enough going back there with all the good memories I have. I know everything in my life will continue to feel empty. I cringe at the thought of the silence that will fill most of my days. I cringe at the thought of your empty bedroom, full of all of your things. My mind is still in denial that you are truly gone. It’s still in protective mode because when the thought of you, not being here, sets in, my heart drops and my body just wants to sink to the floor. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I do not physically feel this way.
Oh, Pandora. How I love you. I was just sitting here thinking about you and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. The song randomly came on Pandora and that is the song for the both of you. It is one of my absolute favorites and always makes me cry, but makes me feel peaceful as well. I love to put this song on repeat and run to it over and over. I’ll put it on your you tube lullaby tonight. You loved that song so much too.
Everyone is asleep now as it is late. Luck is sleeping over tonight. We gave him your GiGi to sleep with. He seemed so excited about that. He loves you so much. I talked to Liz tonight about Luke and how I feel like he is so different than most boys his age, but how he is still so much the same. He is different in the ways that he really observes things that are going on around him, and he is a deep, thoughtful thinker and speaker. Everything that comes out of his mouth is straight from his heart and soul. I love that about him so much. I know the time he spent with you at The Ryan House was really hard on him, but it was so special. It was the last time I heard you laugh. Luke was doing something crazy and silly and you laughed that great laugh of yours. Gosh, you had the BEST laugh, Ro. I am so glad it was Luke who was the one to bring it out of you. It will forever be a beautiful memory we will cherish.
Tomorrow, we are spending the day in Mission with your cousins. The boys are excited to go and do something off of the island for a day. I’m excited to do something different and to have a reason to get out of bed. I know I have 3 very important reasons right in front of me all the time, Ro. But sometimes I am just so sad, that it isn’t enough. Sometimes I need to have a plan for the day ahead of me so I know I don’t have a choice. I need consistency, a routine, a plan in place. I know what will happen on the days that I am hurting so badly from missing you. I expect to have them, but the less I have the better. I have to go back to being a functioning mom. I’ve been getting by, but I am not even close to the mother I was before all of this. I’m still trying to find my bearings. I’m still trying to come out of this fog. But hey, at least I’m still trying, right. I’ll sleep on that tonight.
I love you my little man. I miss you so much and hope you are safe. Goodnight, Ro baby. Sweet dreams.