I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m sad.


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Ronan. I’m in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. I’ve been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. I’ve been telling myself all day things like your death, isn’t really real. I’ve been telling myself all day this is somebody’s else’s life and not my own. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just can’t take living this life without you anymore. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. I know what I am coming home to. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Of course I am happy to see them but it’s you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. I will always look for you though.

New York was a good trip. A productive trip. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. I felt a connection with her that I often don’t feel after just meeting someone for the first time. I know what part of our connection is. She has a Ronan. Plain and simple. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I don’t share with just anyone. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. She knows that you are the force behind everything that comes my way. She talked about my natural talent as I writer. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just don’t have the natural ability that I have. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. It’s one of the things are you driving me to do in this life. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and it’s what I will do for the rest of my life. “You are a writer, plain and simple. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life.” Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. She’s a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingness to be so open and honest with me. She has given me a lot to think about. I love people like that. The one’s in life that make you think about things from every different angle and don’t want you just to take the easy way out.
With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. We walked all over the city. So much so that at one point I told her I felt like my vagina was going to fall out due to the heaviness of carrying Poppy. Sorry if that was TMI, but if you’ve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. I took her to your favorite pizza spot, Deliza’s, which is right by the Ronald McDonald House. I knew I wanted to go there during this trip but I imagined going all alone and crying into my favorite soup. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. I was so glad I didn’t have to sit there alone. I ate your favorite pizza and soup. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didn’t. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. As in really hard. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. I remember the 6 month mark being a really hard time for me. I feel like I am back there again. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. I’ve noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. It seems to be filled with all the wrong things, the wrong people hurting others, the wrong everything. Everything seems to be suffocating me. I’m sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should be clearly be me. I am angry and sad in a way that I haven’t been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. It’s not the same as having you here.
I sat today and tried to be productive. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. I went to see your Sparkly for a bit. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him.
“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m so sad and I can’t stop crying. I just miss him so much.”
  I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, “You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. Thinking all about Ronan in New York, not that you’re not always thinking about him but I know everything in New York was very intense for you. You aren’t sleeping at all. You have a baby on the way. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. I don’t know why you continue to do things like this. The going to New York thing all alone. It’s too much, especially at this point in your life.”
Me: “But I always do these things alone. That’s how I like it.”
Him: “I know you insist on doing all these things alone, but it’s not the way it should be. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. Slow down. You’re doing too much.”
I just let my eyes fall to the floor. I wanted to say I don’t know how to stop. How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. But I just promised him I would try instead.
We sat for a while longer and caught up. As I was walking off your Mr. Sparkly Eyes said, “Hey, please just give me a smile. Even if you don’t mean it or don’t feel like it. Come on, just try for me.”
Not even him begging for a smile could make one appear today. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, “It’s going to be alright, it’s going to be alright.”
I don’t know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. All I know is this is the way it is.
I miss you so much. I love you so much. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.
xoxo
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59 thoughts on “I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m sad.

  1. momentsbymissy

    Maya I’m so sorry honey. I don’t know what to say. I hate that you hurt and I hate that he’s gone. Thinking of you and your family & little Ronan all the time. He was so beautiful dear.

  2. climbingupthepolkadottree

    I always read and think… that is exactly how I feel. Madeline’s One Year… anniversary of… I don’t ever know how to word this/finish that. It is all still not real. I do crave the intense and alone too… I don’t know why. I think it is cleansing… I tell her story, I tell everyone how she needs us to change the world and I celebrate her with good things for people to remember… and then I go home and melt into a chair and cant move really for a couple of days. I always feel trapped in my skin, like I want to pop out of my body and go somewhere else and get this story off of me… then I feel nailed to the chair and heavy… and realize that Madeline was such an amazing piece of my life that if I ran away and forgot I would not be doing her justice…

  3. Donnell Liem

    It’s OK to feel anyway that you need. No one should ever have to suffer the loss of a child…never. I would fix the world for you, if I could.

  4. Jaime

    I’m sorry you’re sad Maya. So sorry. Can’t imagine all the emotions going through you with this pregnancy and all. Know you’re in my thoughts and prayers daily. xoxo

  5. Hillary

    Maya, it probably doesn’t mean much. I can’t imagine how you feel. But I do think about Ronan every single day. Following your blog has helped me be even more present for my crazy, wild, spicy 2 y/o. I look into his tiny eyes and make sure he knows that I don’t take one single moment for granted. I know that doesn’t help heal your broken heart, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of Ronan, talk about Ronan, and fight for Ronan.

  6. Sharon

    Stay strong Maya. You’re the most brilliant writer and mother I’ve ever known. You’ve inspired me so much. Keep on going; you’re changing the world.

  7. Nicole N

    I look at my own son. My pride & joy. Growing taller and stronger everyday. & I break down just thinking of a world without him in it. I can feel the grief & the emptiness & that is why I continue to read your blog and that is why I feel a connection to you. A connection to you & Ronan. I have a beautiful precious daughter who is almost 15 now. She means the works to me as well but my son & I… I don’t know how to explain it. But I don’t have to because I know that you get it. My son & i just understand each other on a different level. He can look at me & know what I’m thinking. He can sense when I’m alone crying over my Mom passing from cancer and he will come down and just wrap me up in his 9yr old strong & innocent arms. He makes the world a better place. A better place to live in. I understand your bond with Ro. I understand your feelings of loss. I would never judge you for being brave enough to say that he is the love of your life. I feel the same way & just pray & beg God to leave both of my children here with me on this earth. I’m sorry that Ro had to go. I wish I could give you two each other back. Thank you for sharing him with us.

  8. Natalie Slone

    Im so sorry…words annot express just how sorry I really am…and I know about how your vagina feels like its gonna fall out. Lol. I had to get my cervix sewn shut, so I was always afraid a foot was gonna come out of my crotch. Lol. Hugs, kisses and love sent to all of you from Ohio…xoxo

  9. Chelsea

    From the first time I read your blog, I have fully believed that you were meant to be a writer. You have a wonderful gift, Maya, a Ro-given gift 🙂
    I’m sorry you’ve been having a harder time lately. I agree with mr. Sparkly eyes though, it makes a lot of sense with all that’s going on. I hope you’re able to reach out for help, though. I know how hard it is, especially for a fighter like you. You inspire me 🙂

  10. Chloe

    Maya, my heart continues to break for you. This made me cry because I know that you will never stop missing him. This is never going to be an OK thing and the only thing we can do is fight so that it doesn’t happen to anyone. All I know is that he loved you just as much as you loved him. You filled his life with joy and love and laughter and fun. His life was way too short and I don’t know why and it’s awful and not OK. I don’t know why this happened and I’m so sorry. Poppy will bring joy to you and your family, I promise. All my love, Chloe. xoxo

  11. Jen Brianas

    Maya, I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know how you are doing it, I don’t. I have a Ronan, I have 4 kids but one little guy, man he is the love of my life. I get that love, to have it taken away I can’t fathom.

    I do think the reason you’ve reached so many is your writing. I can’t explain it, I’ve come across other blogs and you definitely have an amazing ability to reach people. Don’t stop. Ronan was too special for you to stop. He lives on in s

  12. Joe

    Words fail me, but if you could only see my face, you would know how much I feel for you and your family. I am helpless to offer any advice but would like to let you know that there are thousands and thousands of people standing with you. Get right in the middle of them, let them squeeze you tight as they stand so closely with you so that no matter how weak you become it would be impossible to fall down.

  13. laneyquinnpfapa (Heidi H)

    Aww Maya! I am sorry you are so sad. After reading your entire blog over the past few months, I still do not know how you stay so strong. Eventhough you don’t feel it, at times. You are amazing. And I hope you know just how amazing you are!! You have every right to cry and hate the world. You have every right to want to run up your mt and never come back down. But you always do the right thing, b/c you are selfless and you know in your own mind what needs to be done!! There are days I feel like curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out b/c it seems at that moment, nothing is going right (car wont start, flat tire, kids puking). But there is no way one’s ordinary life, with normal shit happening, can suck as much as a mothers life does after losing a child. When my daughter was vomiting and then passed it onto her sister, I was mad. But I stopped and thought, “hmmm, I bet Maya would love to be at home, w/ Ro, cleaning up Ro’s puke…” And it brought me back to reality. I love this blog. I love all the pictures of you and your boys. Ronan is so amazingly beautiful and his eyes…love his eyes. I know you HATE when people say things like he is in a better place, etc… BUT I do think he is with you. Not the way you want/he wants, but he knows all the things you are doing. He knows about Poppy. Poppy will come into this world and she will have a piece of Ronan with her (soul). You can talk to him and he will hear you, always. I know it does not help you feel better. Nothing will. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family and friends. You deserve the world. B/c you have done so much for all these helpless little babes!! Love you Maya and Ronan…you are true heros!!!

  14. Michelle from MI

    You are an incredible writer. There is something about you that has captured my attention ever since I found your blog. OH you have it…..I cannot put into words what it is- undying love, passion, absolutely gorgeous blue-eyed boy that has left this world too soon…..my eyes have been flowing tears since I started this reply…
    You are human, honest, amazing……XO

  15. Glenda

    Romama,
    My heart aches for you. I want you to be “alright” too. I want you to be “alright” for PopStar, for Woody, Liam & Quinn…but especially for Rockstar Ro!

    You are a Romazing writer. The first day I read your blog 2 yrs ago you had me. Your writing is real and raw. You blue-eyed spicy monkey captured my heart. I talk about Ro all the times. I share with all that will listen. I make them vote and sign petitions. All for Ro. Rolove always! #mayasmafia

    I can’t wait to hear all about your book… Ro’s book… your love-story.

    So glad you were able to spend time with Mr. Sparkly Eyes.

    Please take care of yourself… please be safe.
    Rolove
    xo

  16. Anne

    Maya – I don’t know how much meaning comments from a faceless stranger can mean to you. There is so much sadness in your last post, but there also seems to be a cry out for hope. Ronan leaves a hole that only he can fill. That is only right. There is no other way for a parent. Nothing replaces a child. Nothing replaces their child. I offer up a hope for you. A prayer for you that all of the good in your life; the boys, your husband, your very dear friends, and the support that you receive from all of us faceless strangers, will draw a circle around the hole that Ronan should be filling. A circle of love, hope, and happiness around Ronan’s place in your heart. Of course, it won’t fill it, and nor should it, but I hope for you that there is enough happiness and love and goodness that the tears you will shed will be confused. Confused because the sadness and happiness are all mingled up together. Be well. Stay strong. Hugs to the whole family.

  17. Amanda

    You deserve to feel all of your feelings. No one should ever fault you for that. You deserve to continue to tell Ronan’s story. You are still an inspiration to mothers & are restoring my faith in mankind. You are doing good because of Ronan. Don’t let anyone stop you. 💜

  18. beckee

    Maya, I hope you can find some time to relax and put your feet up. I have never lost a son, but I can relate to being a non-stop mover and shaker. Pregnancy was tough on me, it was tough to slow down. I am sorry you cannot do your normal coping mechanisms to get through these hard times. Soon enough, dear 🙂 I am so insanely happy to think that your writing has been acknowledged by the literary world as excellent, although I could have told you that if you asked 🙂 Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts. I check your blog daily. You are really something special!

  19. virginia

    Maya,
    I’ve always wanted to leave a comment but just never knew what to say. I know nothing I say will make ur pain go away.
    I used to be one of those people that took everything for granted, let the unimportant stuff get to me. And then I started reading your blog.. from the begining. I never knew my heart could feel so heavy and all I could do is think about u and ronan. And your family. How everything that has happened to you all is cruel and will continue to be just that. Cruel. I don’t have any kids but I have a 5 yr old brother. Watching him and my mom together is like watching a love story. I just want to thank u for making me a better sister, daughter, friend and girl friend. Life is too short. Because of u I’m following my dreams, listening to my heart. Trying to find ways to help make this worl better. Thank u so much maya. And when the time comes I hope I can be half the amazing mother that u and my mom are.

  20. gendissw

    In Indonesia there’s a cancer therapy and the percentage of recovery is 80%. Two people has been cured. But it’s not legal yet. I hope it can make a difference. I’m sorry for your lost. I just… I just don’t know how it feels like to be you. I’m 15 and I follow your blog everyday. I tweet about ronan. And all of my friends were making fun about me and my addiction about your blog. I don’t think there’s something wrong with it. I learned a lot about life from you while they’re spending their times judging and hurting people. I just can’t thank you enough, Mama Maya. And I hope you know, you’re the best mom and the strongest person in this whole earth. I don’t know if you read this. But, I hope you realize that.
    Love,
    Gen

  21. Maddie

    Maya-
    Hi, my name is Maddie. I’m 15 years old and from New Jersey. I’ve been reading your blog since I heard Taylor Swift’s song when she released it. I’ve started from the beginning, and I’ve gotten up to February 2011. I’m a sophomore in high school, so finding time to read it is hard. I’m always inspired by your posts. I admire you so much. You are so strong, and I wish I could be like that. This post especially inspired me, because I want to be a writer when I grow up. I love writing with all my heart. It’s my sweet escape from this bitter, cruel world. It’s my only way to express myself. You have inspired me in so many ways. Writing, fighting cancer, and just living life. I don’t fight cancer, but I’ve known many people who have or had. Just two weeks ago, one of the pastors at my church passed away from brain cancer. He had a wife who adored him, a four year old daughter who loved him so much, and a whole church family who admired him. It was a tough loss for everyone. I just hate cancer so much, I can’t even describe it. Anway, I’d just like to thank you for everything. Thank you for being so strong, and giving me someone to look up to. I send my love and prayers to you and your family everyday, and I am so excited for Poppy’s birth. She’s going to do great things(:
    -Maddie

  22. Michell

    Maya, Its so hard to find words tonight. I read your life and every comment each person makes hoping that someone will say something so amazing that all the hurt and pain in you will go away. Each time I see an update in my email I want so badly to read you had a fabulous day, you deserve to write those words, you deserve to be happy. Your pain drives you to fight so hard for the families that are going through what you experienced…I think it is fair to say you have never stopped fighting. My heart breaks for you as I pray that joy will come back into your life…I know Poppy will be a start. You are amazing!

  23. Selina

    I am so, so sorry. Your words bring tears to my eyes everytime I read a post, I cannot imagine your pain – I agree with all that I am that it f-ing sucks & your beautiful baby & all the other beautiful babies lost to this horrible cancer should not have had to go through what they have/do.

  24. Kodiak My Little Grizzly

    Why is it so hard and painful? We were created to live forever and never to have our children suffer and die. It’s unnatural. So we continue to suffer until God removes all tears, pain and death…
    He promises us we will see them again on earth in perfect health living forever in perfect conditions… We have to wait for his will to be done on earth as it already has been done in heaven… My wish is to see the joy and happy tears on both you and Ronan’s eyes when he wakes up from being asleep in death….
    I wish I could take the pain away!!!

  25. Summer

    I am so sorry you lost your baby. It’s not fair, and I don’t understand it. I hope you can find the strength to hold on, so Liam and Quinn don’t have to lose somebody else they love.

  26. Sam

    Maya, I want you to know that we are all rooting for you…and for Woody and the boys and for what Poppy’s life has in store for her and for everyone. I might say praying, but I don’t really know how. But, I am holding you all in the Light. You are a mother who is walking through fire and I hope that all of us here listening can help you through that fire. Not by hoping the pain goes away, but just by listening. Because we are.

    Jung said “There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” Your pain, I hate to say, is bringing a whole lot of us to a higher consciousness of life, children, illness, family….

    One of my dearest friends decided to end her life last year…she was a mother to two young boys. She battled debilitating depression for years and thought the world would be better without her. So, I do not take your words lightly….I know this can happen and has happened to a family I love. Please know that what you are doing in this life, with this grief, is monumental. It. is. monumental. It is so fucking important. This life has given you an excruciating torch to bear, but please call on all of the forces you might need to help you bear it. I wish I could rub your feet, bring you dinner, give you a hug. And I know there are people in your sunny town (my home town) who can do it. Ive never met you, but I just love you and send you and the family SO MUCH LOVE. It’s OK to hurt…. and know we are here to listen. Every day.
    -Sam

  27. Ali B

    Ah Maya…I will never stop being sorry, angry and heartbroken for your whole family. It’s such fucking bullshit and I can’t stand it. The thought of you all in so much pain hurts my heart so much and knowing that there is sweet fuck all any of us can really do to make the pain go away leaves me feeling so useless.
    I don’t even know what else to say except fuck cancer, please take Sparkly’s advice and take care of yourself and Poppy and know that even though you feel alone, we all love you xo

  28. Nora

    We all love you & Ronan so much. I’m so sorry. Just keep on turning your anger towards cancer into amazing things for this world. Ronan is right by your side. F U cancer!

  29. Des Jordan

    I’m so sorry Maya…. I’m in tears for you tonight. I haven’t commented for a while, but still reading every single post, and thinking of you all every single day. Nothing I say will make you feel better or take away the pain, but just know, that there are thousands of people holding you up when you feel this down. And all of us are going to help make this change happen. You & Ronan will continue to change the world, I’m just so sorry it had to be in this way…. Love to you and your amazing family.

  30. Laura Karpman

    Hi Maya,I have been following you since Taylor sung that beautiful heartfelt song about your wonderful Ronan. I am a mother so I understand about the love for a child. I can’t possibly understand what it feels like to lose a child. When my daughter was two, she fell and hit her head and for a very brief moment she cried so hard she stopped breathing. Me being an over-excitable person in the best of times, thought she died and the very first thing that came to my head was me very calmly saying to myself, ok I will have to kill myself if she is dead. Very fortunately, she was perfectly fine and so was I. My point is, I understand the love you have for Ronan and how hard it is day in and day out to survive and carry on in life for your husband, two boys and your sweet Poppy. I always feel in reading how sad you are, how Ronan would feel about that. Because he loved you and was so connected to you, I believe he would want you to smile and find a new happiness for your lif e. of course, life will never be the same, but you have a new life coming into your family and I just feel that Ronan would want so much happiness and love to radiate within your family. I might be speaking where I don’t belong but since I have been dealing with cancer for almost a year, I just have changed my thought process and see the world differently. I am having what I hope is my last week of chemo all 5 days this week and then will have my scans and see where I stand, but I know you know how that drill goes.

    Anyway, I felt compelled to write to you today, must be the Ativan in y anti nausea that gave me the mind set to write it you. I admire you and respect you so much, you are truly my hero and an angel here on earth…

    All the best to you and your family,

    Laura

  31. Melissa V

    (((((Maya))))) I am so sorry love. It will be alright does seem like a stretch. Afterall it includes the word “right” and we all know nothing will EVER be right with the way Ronan was taken from his perfect life. I know you will find a better word to describe this going on that will occur; and I will not even begin to try; as I go to sleep tonight with all of my children safely snuggled in their beds.

  32. Ashley

    Grieving slaps you dead in the face and sometimes it stings for a very long time. My heart just broke a little more, for you. I might be a stranger to you but I honestly have lots of faith in you and hooe your heart mends a little xoxo

  33. Roxana

    I stumbled upon this quote and I immediately thought of you and Ronan and your special relationship.It’s almost as if you wrote it: “I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you.” – Author Unknown

  34. Vanessa

    I read your words and am filled with strength and courage beyond measure and such an APPRECIATION for the day to day nonsense. I know this is ROLOVE in action. I am so very sorry. Your struggle, your loss, is not in vain- you ARE changing the landscape. YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE. While you shouldn’t have to go through ANY of this SHIT, you will change things for all of these other babies… YOU ALREADY HAVE. And we know you are just beginning. You honor RONAN with every breath you take and every move you make. Just remember to take care of you…. with love from Miami xoxo

  35. Kristin

    Maya-I know sorry will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough. You and Ronan have inspired me so much and I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story with us. I cant imagine your heartache or the depths of your sadness but I know that Ronan has helped change the world for the better. I dont like seeing people use the word “was” when speaking about him. He IS with you and will always be. Lots of love from Philly.

  36. Daniella

    Oh Maya – your pain is so clear in your writting. I’m so so sorry that Ronan is not with you, it’s terrible, awful and tragic. As usual I know that there are no words that will truely bring you comfort. I think all I can say is that I’m thinking about you and your family. Sending you thoughts of love and calm from WA.

  37. Kara

    Dear Maya
    I’m so very sorry……..
    You truly are amazing and will change pediatric cancer for all of our children!
    I am so sorry honey that you have to go thru this.

  38. ciara

    Maya, like all you other blog readers (friends from near and afar) i am so sorry that this heartbreak torments you like this.. poppy will love hearing stories about her bro ro!! i know nothing any of say will help but just know that we are here and thinking about you constantly.Thats all we can give you, is wish we could do more! 😦 Love from Ireland xxxxx

  39. J.A.N.

    Hey Maya,

    I don’t know if you’ve heard the song “Firefly” by Taylor Swift before, but the lyrics reminded me of Ronan and you so much (Especially considering the “all good things are wild and free”) I thought I’d share. Don’t mean to make you sadder or anything, just thought I’d share Miss Swift’s beautiful song with you.

    I gather that she was 12 when this was written and performed.

  40. Jillian

    Maya,
    While the world still goes on, millions of people love Ronan, miss Ronan, and truly mourn Ronan. So while the world still goes round, he has forever impacted it and so many people! Thank you for sharing him with us! He has changed my life and I so love a little boy who I never met but I feel I know bc of his amazing mama. So many people now are life long members of Maya’s mafia!

  41. Emma

    So sad to know that your sad on this day … Ronan isn’t here anymore but he was so free and happy and he is ! Please take care of you Maya. We all remember Ro and we love him so so much ! He is changing the world … this boy has changed my life forever !!
    I love you, I love all of your family and I want you to be proud of what you made !
    Before bedtime I always think of ronan, always ! …
    Your so amazing Maya !
    Lots of Rolove !

  42. amourningmom

    I am sad with you (not for you). It always makes me feel worse when people tell me how sorry they for me that I have outlived 2 of my sons. I think of you and Ronan extra on the 9th. I know that you miss him every day but some days are harder. I wish that none of us had to live in a world without our child/children. xo

    FU Cancer!!

  43. Christie

    Maya,

    My heart shatters for you. I weep for your broken heart and pray that you will find peace. Tho I can only imagine your pain and suffering. My heart goes out to you.

    Christie

    Hugs!

    Christie

  44. Nancy

    I can’t imagine how you feel! I nearly lost my 13 year old daughter to the beast cancer! I can’t help but wonder how your boys are doing. All of your focus seems to be going to the boy you lost. You make comments all the time that tell the world that Ronan was your favorite, how very sad for the boys that need you so much here and now ;(

    1. laneyquinnpfapa (Heidi H)

      I’m guessing it is b/c Ronan is the baby she lost. If it was one of her two other boys, she would be saying, writing, doing the same thing. When you lose a child I assume, no matter what, that child will always be the one that is yearned for the most, b/c they are no longer ‘tangible’. It may sound as if Ronan is her favorite, but he is no longer here. And he is the reason she is doing all these great things. Her boys have her there, with them. They are loved just as much as Ronan. But the part of her heart that is Ronan’s is just broken/missing. She speaks from that part of her heart that is missing. I cannot imagine losing one of my children. I wouldn’t be as strong as Maya has been. And I would hate to hear someone tell me that my other child is not my favorite, they seem neglected, etc…Losing a child is all consuming. I cannot imagine she can think about much else. I am sure her boys are not the same w/out Ronan either. The whole dynamic of the family has changed. And no one should judge any parent on what they say in a blog, about their child that died of cancer. I believe all 3 of her boys, are her favorite!!! Woody, too 🙂

    2. Lisa

      Sorry Maya, but this ticked me off!!!!

      WTF Nancy!!!! I don’t ever remember her saying Ronan was her “favorite”. She misses him immensely because he is dead. If Quinn or Liam were dead I bet she would miss them equally. Thankfully they are not.

      If I remember, this blog is titled “Rockstar Ronan”. Don’t make up stories…please, for the love of a grieving mother, show some respect.

    3. Beth

      I think some commenters on here tend to forget that we don’t know Maya other than what she writes to Ronan. This is tragically the only way she can mother him anymore and just as every mother tries to spend one on one time with each of her children this is her one on one time with Ronan. Of course it is going to be primarily about him and her feelings for him. If she is in fact neglecting her twins I am sure one of her close friends or family members would talk to her but that doesn’t really seem the case here.

  45. Vanessa

    Maya,

    Just wanted to share one of my favorite poems with you; since reading your blog, this poem always makes me think of wonderful you and beautiful Ronan.

    i carry your heart with me

    by E. E. Cummings

    i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
    my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
    i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
    by only me is your doing, my darling)
    i fear
    no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
    no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
    and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
    and whatever a sun will always sing is you

    here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
    and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
    higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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