Ronan. I’m in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. I’ve been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. I’ve been telling myself all day things like your death, isn’t really real. I’ve been telling myself all day this is somebody’s else’s life and not my own. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just can’t take living this life without you anymore. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. I know what I am coming home to. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Of course I am happy to see them but it’s you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. I will always look for you though.
New York was a good trip. A productive trip. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. I felt a connection with her that I often don’t feel after just meeting someone for the first time. I know what part of our connection is. She has a Ronan. Plain and simple. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I don’t share with just anyone. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. She knows that you are the force behind everything that comes my way. She talked about my natural talent as I writer. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just don’t have the natural ability that I have. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. It’s one of the things are you driving me to do in this life. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and it’s what I will do for the rest of my life. “You are a writer, plain and simple. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life.” Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. She’s a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingness to be so open and honest with me. She has given me a lot to think about. I love people like that. The one’s in life that make you think about things from every different angle and don’t want you just to take the easy way out.
With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. We walked all over the city. So much so that at one point I told her I felt like my vagina was going to fall out due to the heaviness of carrying Poppy. Sorry if that was TMI, but if you’ve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. I took her to your favorite pizza spot, Deliza’s, which is right by the Ronald McDonald House. I knew I wanted to go there during this trip but I imagined going all alone and crying into my favorite soup. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. I was so glad I didn’t have to sit there alone. I ate your favorite pizza and soup. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didn’t. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. As in really hard. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. I remember the 6 month mark being a really hard time for me. I feel like I am back there again. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. I’ve noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. It seems to be filled with all the wrong things, the wrong people hurting others, the wrong everything. Everything seems to be suffocating me. I’m sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should be clearly be me. I am angry and sad in a way that I haven’t been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. It’s not the same as having you here.
I sat today and tried to be productive. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. I went to see your Sparkly for a bit. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him.
“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m so sad and I can’t stop crying. I just miss him so much.”
I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, “You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. Thinking all about Ronan in New York, not that you’re not always thinking about him but I know everything in New York was very intense for you. You aren’t sleeping at all. You have a baby on the way. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. I don’t know why you continue to do things like this. The going to New York thing all alone. It’s too much, especially at this point in your life.”
Me: “But I always do these things alone. That’s how I like it.”
Him: “I know you insist on doing all these things alone, but it’s not the way it should be. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. Slow down. You’re doing too much.”
I just let my eyes fall to the floor. I wanted to say I don’t know how to stop. How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. But I just promised him I would try instead.
We sat for a while longer and caught up. As I was walking off your Mr. Sparkly Eyes said, “Hey, please just give me a smile. Even if you don’t mean it or don’t feel like it. Come on, just try for me.”
Not even him begging for a smile could make one appear today. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, “It’s going to be alright, it’s going to be alright.”
I don’t know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. All I know is this is the way it is.
I miss you so much. I love you so much. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.