Burn baby, burn

Home. That’s where we are heading. No more hospitals, no more clinics, no more. As I sit here holding Ro on our flight home, all I can think about is, “Will this be his last airplane ride?” It can’t be possible. He was supposed to be coming with us, to Ireland soon. He was supposed to be going to Washington with us this summer. He was supposed to go on my most favorite family vacation to the San Juan Islands on the big boat that Papa Jim will drive. We were waiting until he was 4 to take him on this trip. This is the sickest, cruelest joke in the world. When did life become so hard? That’s the scariest thing; because everything changed overnight. I had no idea how precious life really was until all of this. I’ll say this over and over; I will always wish this was me and not him. I’ve done enough in my life to be fulfilled. He will never get the chance.

So after all of this, I’m sorry to say that if my baby boy goes, there is not a God. God would not do this to a child, a family, to a mother. God can fuck off. I’ve put all my faith out there I only to have it ripped away from me. If “God” takes away my child, I’m going to go burn down a mother fucking church. I’m going to go crazy and I have every right to. The pain that is in my heart will NEVER be healed. For those of you who want to judge me, think less of me for writing these words, or to wonder how I could say such things…. You are not allowed. You have not walked in my shoes, even if you think you have in some sort if way; you have not because you were never a mom to Ronan.

I am about to go home, to the only place Ronan wants to be. I am about to have the toughest conversation in my life with my twin boys. Ronan is their best friend and I am about to tell them the thing that they have feared the most. I’ve stopped eating as I have no appetite. It’s been 4 days now and the thought of food makes me sick to my stomach. I ate some cheese and crackers today only to get Woody off my back. Fuck all if this.

You don’t need to worry about my sanity, as it is gone. But as a mom I know it us my job to put on a very good show as to not traumatize my twins. I would never let them see this insane pain I am feeling. I love them too much. I know I will get through this, but now, sitting on this plane ride I am beyond angry. My emotions change from circumstance to circumstance. The moment I step off this flight, I will put back on my positivity shoes that seem to come off every now and again.

I want Ronan back. I want his hair, I want his healthy body, I want his laugh and bright eyes. I want his naughty trouble making soul that always reminded me of me. He is my little clone on the inside. The two of us never skipped a beat. You know who this is going to be the hardest on? My Quinn. Ronan and Quinn are closer that Quinn is to his twin brother, Liam. How us that even possible? Twins are supposed to have this crazy connection, which my two do; but it is nothing like the connection Ro and Quinn have.

There will come a time after all of this that I am going to go crazy, mark my words. It may take me jumping out if a fucking airplane, visiting some crazy country, running another marathon, but something is going to have to give. I’m not living a life full of limitations anymore and I’m not saying no to things that come my way. I’ve just walked through hell and back and I’m done with all the superficial bullshit that life has to offer. I will spend the rest of my life, helping others, not because it is good for my ego; but because I’m going to make a difference in this world and change the way people’s warped minds think. I will put every ounce into making sure my twins turn out to be just like their Dad; as there us not a better man in the world. I will make sure they know the meaning if living a life by their rules, as long as they don’t hurt others. I will guide them, love them, and we will never forget out Ronan who has forever changed our lives. They will be raised to have an impact in this world in honor of their brother. The most amazing little soul who has ever existed on this planet.

They will be taught to never judge people, as judgment is my least favorite quality in a person. Nobody has the right. They will grow up open-minded, respectful, fearless, honest, and I will support them, guide them, and love them with every bone in my body. I know that I am going to have to work extra hard to fulfill the love that they have missing from Ro. I am more than prepared to take on that task as these 8 months away from them have been horrific. This has been so unfair to them.

We made it home safe and sound. My little busy bees had everything perfect. I told Fernanda and Bethany I needed all new bedding for Ronan in my bed. All white, all calm, all peaceful, all new. He has been so sick in my bed for all this time; he deserves to now be surrounded by nothing but the softest sheets, pillows, blankets, white everything like a fluffy cloud. I asked for Fernanda to make me dinner so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Done. I begged NY Miss Macy to get on a flight asap to spend the weekend with us. Done. Time is not on our side and nobody knows how much time we have left with Ronan. Anything I have asked of my friends, has been done and more and I will never be able to thank them enough. I hope they know how the only reason I am still standing is because of them. I would be so lost without them. Thank you my angels. You all know who you are.

We were met at the airport by somebody from Hospice whom I chose to ignore. So rude of me I know, but I am so numb and so in denial that I couldn’t do anything else. She came over to our house and I let Woody deal with her. I unpacked some of our things and just pretended like she wasn’t here. Woody asked if I wanted them here for the weekend. I told him no way and to make them leave a.s.a.p. My manners were nowhere in sight today and for that I apologize as I know at some point we are going to need them. But not yesterday, not this weekend. All I want is one normal weekend where I can pretend like this isn’t real. Which is why we didn’t have any talk with Liam and Quinn yet. Just one weekend is all I’m asking for where we can pretend like we are a normal, happy, family. Liam and Quinn deserve as much normal time at home with Ronan without having to know too much.

Auntie Karen and Liz came over to unpack for me. Heidi and Luke came by so Ronan could play with him as he has been begging to see Luke for days now. I sat and watched as the sweetest little 10-year-old boy cry over his worry for Ronan. I just told him I loved him and all that mattered was that Ronan was so happy to be home and so happy to be with Luke and his brothers. My dear, sweet friend, Aubrey (Dr. Maze) came by to give us his support. It was hard for me to look at him tonight as I had so much to say but nothing was appropriate with all the kiddos around. He sat and watched me buzz around, taking care of Ro, getting food for the kiddos, he watched the complete chaos of my life which I so love. I was so happy to have him here. He is a part of our family now. He loves Ro so much. After he left, I put Ronan in my bed and took the hottest bath alive.

Ronan and I fell asleep shortly after my bath. All cuddled up in our cloud of a bed. Thank you again girls. It was the most peaceful night of sleep that I have had in a very long time. We are up early… 5 a.m. Not sure why but Ronan was demanding that we get up. Whatever that boy wants, that boy gets. He’s watching “Mickey Mouse,” while I finish this post. We are going to the twins’ baseball game today and Woody is helping coach. Tricia and Macy are picking up Ronan and myself as I’m not sure if I can drive. Today we are going to be as normal as we can and normal now consists of giving Ronan morphine around the clock to keep him out of pain. My mom gets in today. Don’t know how I’m going to look her in the eyes. I’m so mad at everything and everyone about this. I’m not ready to let him go so soon. I pray that he stays with us as long as possible. I want to see my baby turn 4 on May 12. I want him here for Woody’s birthday on May 24th, for Tricia’s on May 25th, for Mother’s Day, whenever that is. I don’t want to spend this Mother’s Day without him. Please. Somebody listen. I have been on my knees, begging so much that they are bloody.

You must have been a beautiful baby

Ronan’s counts are still rising. He had a great day. I came to the hospital this afternoon with Liam and Quinn. The 9th floor blocked off the playroom for us so Ronan could play with his brothers. We stayed in there for about 3 hours and the boys played their little hearts out. The twins then left with Woody to go back to the RMH so Woody could shower and get some work done. I stayed with Ro for the rest of the day and evening. We played out of our room most of the day, and walked the halls shooting people and playing in the playroom. Ronan took a red marker today and colored all of his arms and said it was blood from his battles. Pretty much anything goes in the hospital as far as I’m concerned as long as he is having fun. I gave him a good bath afterwords in a little tub of water on the floor. He’s all clean now and just fell asleep as he didn’t nap today. Woody is on his way back here to stay the night so I can have some time with L and Q.

We have some scans set for Friday and Ronan will be discharged after that. They keep changing the set of scans we are having but as of now, I believe it’s the CT and Bone Marrow on Friday and the MIBG next week. That is the last I heard from one of the doctors earlier today, but that could always change. I asked New York Miss Macy if she could take Liam and Quinn for a few hours on Friday so they don’t have to sit in the hospital with us and wait. She happily agreed and I know the boys are going to over the moon about spending some time with her. It will be so helpful to us to have them off somewhere having fun, rather than sitting in a hospital.

So anybody that knows me, knows that I have been obsessed with taking pictures my entire life. Just a hobby that brings me much happiness and always has. Taking pictures of my kids is definitely my favorite subject. I have over 11,000 pics on my iphoto… so to say I’m obsessed is an understatement. All of my pictures on my iphoto are now defined to me as, this was our life before Ronan had cancer and this is now our life after. Sad but true.  Going back and looking at pictures before all of this is painful to me and makes me break down in tears. Every picture of Ronan before all of this makes me sick to my stomach as I would have never in my life have imagined this happening to him. He was such a gorgeous baby…. how can he now have cancer???  I sit and look at all of our pictures before all of this and we were such a happy family. We have so many beautiful memories and we were so blessed. I get so angry that all of that has been taken away and we have to work so hard to now find our happiness in the hardest of times. Today, as I was pushing Ronan’s asspole around the halls as well as trying to carry his gun, Star Wars guys, and his Crayola markers that he called his “Missles,” I was overwhelmed with anger. I caught a glimpse of him walking down the hall as I followed behind and he almost tripped over all of his lines. He looked back and goes, “Mom, I can’t carry my tubies and my guns.” I wanted to punch a freaking wall. It makes me sick that my 3-year-old has to worry about tripping over his lines. I am also pissed because Ronan has his 4th Birthday coming up and all I wanted was for him to be home. Instead, we will have to celebrate it in the hospital. All he wants to do is go back to Phoenix and he tells me at least once a day that he is never going to get to go back home and be with his brothers. I tell him that is not true, but no matter how much convincing I try to do, he argues with me and does not believe me. In his head, he thinks we are going to stay in New York forever and he thinks he is never going home. So much for a little boy to try to understand. Too much for a little boy to try to understand. As happy as he is, I also know that he is worried and sad and there is nothing I can do to take that away no matter how hard I try. That is my venting for the evening. I feel a little better now. Not really, but I am trying to convince my self otherwise.

I left the hospital late tonight and came back to RMH with Liam and Quinn. We went down to the common area and worked on some of their homework that their wonderful teacher, Mrs. Martin sent with them. I cannot tell you how good it felt to sit and help my boys with their homework, like a normal mom. After we worked on homework for about 30 minutes, we played the board game Operation. I have not played that game since I was a little girl. We had so much fun playing it together tonight. We are now all snug in bed and Liam and Quinn are watching CSI. A bit mature for them, but they both say they love it. My 7 year olds are now going on 30….. They are growing up way too fast:( Makes me sad.

Tomorrow is a new day. One more day closer to getting Ronan out of the hospital. Cannot wait to see Miss Macy tomorrow. Cannot wait until Friday, when we can bust Ro out of there and all be together outside of Sloan. Sweet dreams, my friends. Thank you for checking in with us. Have a beautiful day tomorrow.

xoxo

24 crazy hospital nights! Somebody bust us out of here!

 

I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster of happy and sad today. Happiness came in the form of our dear friend and Tricia’s sister, Sarah, getting a nursing job at Mayo. Soooo proud of you Sar! It also came in the form of my beautiful cousin, Shannon, getting a full ride to USD. She is about to embark on the greatest journey of her young life. Happiness came in my Ronan and his beautiful spirits and smiles. Not even being cooped up in a hospital for over 3 weeks now can keep him down. Sadness came in many forms as well. Hearing about somebody from my home town having his sister murdered last night. I don’t know them well, but my heart still aches for them. Sadness is undeniable in the hospital. I gave my biggest smile to a teenaged girl who was walking the halls with her bald head and her newly amputated leg. She told me how cute Ronan was as she passed us on her crutches. I told her she was beautiful. Sadness also came in seeing my friend, Ellen today and the look on her face after her visit to Sloan this morning. Phoebe is still in a lot of pain and is going to have to have surgery on her leg again this Thursday. I’m sick to my stomach for them. It’s nothing too major, but my heart breaks for Phoebe who just wants to be a normal girl. My heart breaks for Ellen as a mama because I know what it’s like to see your child in pain and to feel so helpless. I am praying that this surgery will help to lessen Phoebe’s pain and she can just get on living her life already. She deserves a break.

I spent the entire day playing with Ronan. He has a lot of energy and this leaves me thinking that somebody is messing with us. How can his ANC still possibly be 0?? Ronan ran circles around me the entire day and was so happy. He is not the picture of a little boy who has 0 immunity. It’s beyond frustrating. Every morning at 4 a.m. they draw his CBC’s…. his blood counts. Every morning I wait for them to come in and tell me today is the day, his ANC is rising. No such luck yet. Every time they tell me they are at 0, my heart sinks. I will just keep hoping and praying that they come up this week. I want Ronan to be out of the hospital and to spend some time with Liam and Quinn. I want my baby to be able to go outside and breathe in the fresh air. I want him to have some kind of normal….. you know how I really feel???? I want to take him home. Home seems so far away. So far away that I cannot even picture getting to go back there anytime soon. I know we are in for the long haul here and I am fully capable of handling that. But when you have been stuck in the hospital for over 3 weeks now…. it makes the homesickness kick in extra hard. I don’t tell Ronan this though. I just keep putting on my bravest face for him and telling him we are working extra hard to get him better. He asks a lot of questions, like why we have to be at a hospital in New York. He wants to know why he can’t have his old doctors back and be in Phoenix. I just tell him because this New York is a magical city that is going to get him better. He usually just smiles and says he just wants Liam and Quinn here with him. It takes everything I have keep the smile on my face for him and to keep his mind occupied so we can focus on the happy things. I may be sad and sometimes I can’t hide it from Ro. But I try my hardest to control it if I can.

Ronan fell asleep not too long ago. I don’t think he’ll stay asleep for the entire night. If I know my little guy, he’ll wake up soon and be ready to play. Last night we didn’t fall asleep until 2 a.m. He kept telling me he wasn’t’ going to sleep because it was party time and he was too busy shaking his booty. He cracks me up like no other. Every morning we are bombarded by “The Team,” of doctors. It’s one doctor and about 10 residents. It is a little weird. It makes me feel like we are zoo animals on display. Ronan gets so pissed and overwhelmed by all the people staring at him, that he usually ends up screaming and hiding under his blanket. The doctor usually goes over what the plan is for the day and asks if I have any questions or concerns. Ronan won’t let the floor doctor (the one I wanted to kick in the balls) exam him. Good instincts, kid. He has become very fond of a girl resident though. After ” The Team,” leaves, she stays behind to exam him and talk to him. He actually answers her questions. She is young, pretty, and very gentle with Ronan. Today, when she was listening to his heart I looked at her and I said, “He really likes you.” I saw her eyes tear up and she goes, “I feel the same way.” She is going to be a very good doctor someday. Ronan already knows this too. It’s the reason that he is so receptive to her as she treats him like a normal little boy.

Ronan only slept for about an hour. He woke up and we were off for our next adventure. We spent a lot of time out of our room. We walked the halls for hours, played in the playroom and avoided the hot lava that was underneath our feet. As soon as we returned back to our room, a nurse came in to tell me that they wanted us to switch rooms. Our roommate had left earlier in the day and 2 girl patients were begin admitted and they needed the girls in the same room. I hesitated as we have already moved once and it was a total pain in the ass. I had to move all our stuff by myself while Ronan waited on the floor in the hall for me. I asked if I could see the room we were moving into first. The lady told me the number and I went to check it out. Good thing I did, because there was no way in hell I was moving into that room. It was the size of a shoebox, the boy and his parents had the heat turned up to about 90 degrees. FUCK THAT SHIT. I came back to our room, which is huge by the way, and told our nurse, Alex, that I didn’t mean to be a pain…. but there is no way I could move into that room without going crazy. I pleaded with her and told her we have been here for 24 days now… could she please she what she could do so we didn’t have to switch rooms. Alex came back a few minutes later and just said they would move the boy that was in that room, into our bigger room. Thank the lord. A tiny 90 degree room is something that would have totally thrown me over the edge. So no moving for us. We are staying put where we are.

It is 1 a.m. here and Ro is just now laying down to watch a movie. We are so excited for Woody and the boys’ to arrive tomorrow night. Cannot wait to see them and wrap my arms around them all. Being here alone is fine… it’s just hard because I am stuck in a hospital and cannot leave to go anywhere. Ronan wanted pizza from a place down the street today and thankfully, they delivered. He refuses to eat the hospital food so he has been living off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that I make him. The hospital food is actually pretty good… for hospital food. But there is something about the smell of it that ruins the appeal. Hospital food smells makes me gag. Ronan too. No clue where he gets that from 🙂

Time to get some shut eye. Maybe. Depending on if my little man says it’s time to go to sleep. He runs the roost around here for the most part. I’m o.k. with that. The more time I get to spend with him, the better. He is more mature than most grown adults and I’m happy to follow his lead. He’s going to be a great boyfriend to some lucky girl someday. A man that knows exactly what he wants. Kind of like his Daddy:)

I love you all so very much. G’nite to all of you lovely souls out there. Miss all of you back home so much. Kiss your babies and hug them extra tight for me tonight. Thank you for checking in with us. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Empire State of Mind

 

I just spent the last 48 hours with Quinn and it was blissful. We woke up yesterday and I asked him what he wanted to do, as we had the whole day to spend together. He chose to go to The Empire State Building so we got ready for our adventure of the day. We stopped by Sloan before  as we went to say hello to my childhood friend, Jennifer, who came by to donate her platelets to Ronan. It was so nice to see her and introduce her to Quinn. We stayed for a little over an hour until she was ready to get started. We then headed out and grabbed a Taxi. It was a super busy Saturday there, as expected, but Quinn did so well and waited patiently to get to the top of the building. Once we were at the top, he was a little scared to go outside. It is so high up…. even made me a little nervous. I coaxed him into going outside and it was absolutely breathtaking. We stayed for a good hour and enjoyed the sights. Once we were safely back on the ground we hailed a cab and went and walked about SoHo and had dinner together. It was a perfect day with a perfect little boy. I bought him a journal at the Paul Frank store and he was so excited. He sat at dinner and wrote all about our day. It was adorable. After we finished dinner, we headed back to the RMH and then to the hospital to see Woody and Ronan. They opened up the playroom for us again so we could all hang out together. We stayed for about an hour and then Quinn and I returned home while Woody stayed at the hospital another night. I am so thankful that he spent so much time with Ronan while I had some one on one time with Quinn. The break from the hospital was nice as well.

This afternoon Quinn and I went to Delizia’s for his pizza (surprise, surprise) We ordered some to go for Woody and Ronan so we could bring it to them and let Quinn see Ronan before he and Woody got on their plane to go back to Phoenix. We spent some time in the playroom together and soon it was time for Wood and Quinn to leave. I tried to not cry but it was impossible with seeing how sad Ronan was. His little lip quivered and he buried his head in his knees. We said our goodbyes and I walked back with Ronan to his room. I sat and held him and quietly explained how Quinn and Dad would be back soon. My words didn’t matter or stop his little tears from falling. I let him cry and told him it was o.k. to be sad but it was my job to make him feel better. After he settled down, I talked him into taking a sponge bath. I filled up a tub of water and he ended up putting all of his Star Wars guys in it to bathe them before he took his bath. This occupied him for a good hour. We spent all the afternoon doing silly things like that and he finally laid down to take a little rest. He seems to be feeling better but his ANC is still at 0. Boo.

While Ronan was napping, my phone rang with a number I did not know, but I picked it up anyway. So happy I did. It was my sweet Charisma calling all the way from Australia where she is working. I was so surprised to hear her voice and so happy she called. She hasn’t been able to read my blog in a few days and just wanted an update and to see how we were doing. I updated her on some things and vise versa. She asked what our plan was and I told her that as of now, it was impossible to have one. We will have more of a plan once the results of Ronan’s scans on the 13 and 14th of April, come back. We will then decide what direction to move forward with all of this. Until then, we will just sit and wait and take things day by day. We will make the best out of each day that we have and take all the positives that we can get. It was good to talk to my friend and I told her to try to get some work in NYC so she could come and visit us. I miss her dearly.

My mom is taking the Red-Eye out tonight and arrives at 6 a.m. EST. I told her to just go to the RMH, get some rest, and we would call her when we got up so she can head over to the hospital. We can’t wait to see her and it will be so nice to have her here and her help. Now, if we could just get out of this hospital. I think we’ve been here for almost 2 weeks now…. without counting our 24 hours of freedom we had. Praying for his ANC to come up, very, very, soon. This hospital life is getting old for everybody… especially my little man.

For everyone who has been asking where you can mail things to I will give you the address to the RMH. It is

405 East 73rd Street, New York, NY 10021

Just address it to Woody, Maya or Ronan Thompson. You all are the sweetest friends/little rockstar fans/family. Thank you for all the well wishes, cards, and surprises you have sent us. Brings many smiles to our faces. I hope you had a lovely weekend. I’m going to cuddle up with my little bug now and try to get some sleep with him. Love to you all!!

xoxo

The worst of times are the best of times

Last night my very sweet friend, Ed, hooked our family up with 5 tickets to the New York Knicks game and floor passes. It was our intention to take Ronan, but with him inpatient at Sloan, there was no chance of that happening. Mimi and Papa offered to come and sit with Ronan so Liam, Quinn, Woody and I could all go to the game. I felt a little guilty leaving Ronan behind, but I knew how important it was for Liam and Quinn to spend some time with us. The four of us hopped on the Subway and headed downtown to the game. On our walk there, I caught myself getting really upset about not having Ronan healthy and happy and with us. It seemed so weird it just being the four of us. That was not how our family was meant to be. Woody could tell I was getting upset as I was being really quiet as I tend to do when something is bothering me. He kept looking back and asking if I was o.k. I put on my best face and told him I was. I gave myself a little pep talk about how important this was to Liam and Quinn and how I needed to try to enjoy the night as much as possible.

Once we arrived to the game, someone met us and we were taken down on the floor to watch the Knicks warm up. It was beyond awesome. We sat for a good hour and watched the teams practice and then went up to the suite where we were sitting. Before I knew it, I was having the best time. Quinn and Liam were so into the game and it was a great second half. It went into over time and the Knicks ended up winning. To my friend, Ed, who set this all up…. thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much the 4 of us needed this time together as a family. It has been a long time since we have done something like that together. It was a great few hours of enjoying each other and something we will never forget. You have created diehard Knicks fans in both myself and Quinn.

Woody slept at the hospital last night and I stayed at RMH with Quinn. Liam went back and stayed with Mimi and Papa. The 3 of them left this afternoon back to Phoenix. Sad to see them go as we will miss them very much. Quinn is still here and has been hanging out with Woody all day while he works. I hate that he cannot be at the hospital with us and I am hoping Ronan will be discharged this week. Dr. Kushner came to see us this afternoon and was very pleased with how well Ronan is moving around. He is using his little arm more and more so that is a very good sign. We talked about the “plan” and as of now we are planning on doing scans again around April 11th. Depending on what they show, we may do another round of this chemo or go on to the NK-Cell trial. The most important thing that matters to me right now is keeping Ronan out of pain. It seems as if the radiation and chemo are doing the trick as far as keeping that under control. I find myself being able to breathe a little easier everyday as his pain becomes less and less.

This week we are focusing on getting Ronan out of here (come on ANC counts!) and spending time with Quinn. He played in the playroom of the RMH house all day while Woody worked. They had some volunteers doing mad science stuff and he had a blast. I am going to be so sad when he leaves to go back to Phoenix with Woody. A part of me really wants him to just stay here. I can’t wait for school to be out so we can have both of the boys’ coming out here more often and for a longer amount of time. It is so good for Ronan’s spirits. He completely lights up when they are around.

I am sleeping at the hospital tonight and Woody and Quinn are off at some movie. Ronan has been playing away with his Star Wars guys and I finally got him to eat tonight. Victory! He ate an entire Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich and some Mandarin Oranges. His little appetite has been poor for a good week now. I can tell he is feeling better than he has in a while tonight due to the giggles and feistiness he has been displaying. I called him feisty tonight and he looked at me and goes, “Stop calling me spicy! I’m not spicy!” His little voice cracks me up. I spent the rest of tonight telling him stories and singing him songs. We talked a lot about all the people who are going to visit him in New York. I named off everyone under the sun and he kept saying, “Who else, mom?” I love my little conversations with my almost 4-year-old. I love you to the moon and back my little man!!!! That boy will never understand how much happiness he brings me with something as simple as his smile. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

My mom is taking the Red-Eye here on Sunday because Woody and Quinn are leaving. I know I am going to be a mess when Wood leaves. He is my rock and I already miss him. I love having him here with us so much. I mentioned before that we do really well in this city together. Not sure why, but we do. Maybe it’s because we are fully focused on Ronan together, without having many distractions. Makes me feel like we can do anything together… including getting our son well. My mom will stay until Friday….. I think. Tricia is also flying in next Wednesday-Sunday. Can’t wait for them both to be here with me. Ronan is very excited as well. My mom has never been to New York so I am hoping to get her and Tricia tickets to a Broadway show so she can experience something New York. I know the only thing she cares about is spending time with us, but I would like to let her enjoy New York and what it’s all about, even if it’s just for a few hours.

That is the update for tonight. I’m a little homesick but trying not to think about all the things I miss in Phoenix. It’s not things… it’s once again just my old life that I crave and yearn for. The only thing that is of importance which is being at home with Woody and my 3 healthy boys. I want that so badly that I can taste it. That’s why I have to keep pushing forward through all of this; so I can get us back there someday. For good. I can see it, I just can’t touch it yet….but I know it’s there just waiting for us. I will never give up on this baby boy of ours and he is never going to give up on me. He promised me tonight that he will stay with me forever. I refuse to let him break that promise to me. I will hold him to that until the day I die.

Miss you all very much. Thank you to everyone who has been checking in on us and all of your offers to help. If any of you that are reading this and are in New York and you want to help us out in any way, I thought of an amazing way to do so. You can donate blood or platelets to Ronan. All the information is down below and it would mean so much to us. And to all of you who aren’t in New York but wherever else you live, if you get the chance, please donate. These two things have saved my son’s life countless times. It is pretty easy to do, fast, and painless. Every time Ronan gets a bag of blood or platelets, I kiss the bag as I like to think I’m kissing the person who donated it. What an amazing thing to be able to do in this day and age and it helps so many people. Think of Ronan when you are doing it and think of all the other lives you are saving. Such a selfless act, and so simple and easy.

Sweetest dreams to all of my lovelies out there. Thank you for your outpouring support and love. Hugs and Kisses from NYC. G’nite!

xoxoxo

pastedGraphic.pdf RONAN THOMPSON Needs Blood & Platelets

Ronan is currently a patient at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. His treatment for Neuroblastoma requires regular blood and platelet transfusions.

Ronan would deeply appreciate your donation of blood and/or platelets and requests you ask others you know to donate. Donations not used by Ronan will be released for use by other patients many of whom are children.

To benefit Ronan Thompson all designated donations must be made in the Blood Donor Room of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center

Please visit www.mskcc.org/blooddonations for complete information about donor eligibility and the donation process for blood or platelets.

For answers to questions and to schedule an appointment that is convenient for you please Contact:

Joe Licata – 212-639-8177

Manager, Blood Donor Program

licataj@mskcc.org

Blood Donor Room – 212-639-7648

1250 First Avenue (between 67th/68th Streets) NYC – Schwartz Building lobby

Open Every Day

Fri Sat Sun Mon 8:30am – 3:00pm

Tues Wed Th 8:30am – 7:00pm

The process for donating whole blood takes approximately1hour

The process for donating platelets takes about 2 ½ hours.

Appointments are necessary- All blood types are acceptable

FREE Donor Parking –

-Somerset Parking Garage, 1365 York Avenue –entrance on NW corner of 72nd Street

In a New York minute

As Ronan slept last night, I found myself cuddled up on the single little bed that we have in the room with Woody. It is so tiny but I fit absolutely perfect in it snuggled up to Wood. At one point, he was rubbing my back while I was sitting up, looking at the floor. It was dark in our room and I just started to cry. He continued to rub my back and said something that I will never forget. He told me how sad he is that this is my life, that he only wanted to give me the best life ever. I wish I could say I came up with some uplifting words to say back to him, but I only nodded my head and continued to cry. We ended up whispering to each other about some things back and forth. I cuddled up on the little single bed with him for a while. He made me laugh by reminding me how when we were so young…and on our 30 day trip to Europe,while in London,the hotel we were staying at only had 2 twin beds. I had insisted on not sleeping in my own twin bed, but in his twin bed with him. It was cramped to say the least but all I wanted was to be as close to him as possible 24 hours a day. He said this was just like London and we both had a good laugh. Hardly London, but for a second I pretended like it was. Just the two of us, no worries, no cancer, no tears. Just us, blissfully happy, with not a care in the world. Seems like a lifetime ago. It’s nice to know after all of this, we can still go back there, even if it is only for a few minutes as our baby boys sleeps peacefully beside us in his hospital bed.

This morning I got a wonderful visit from a wonderful boy. Yes, I say boy, because he is only 26 and 26 feels so young to me, even though I am not too much older. I have talked about Ronan’s last roommate at Sloan on my blog before, Phoebe. The beautiful Phoebe, with the sparkling fighting spirit just like Ronan, and the bravest soul. During our stay at Sloan, while sharing a room with Phoebe, we became friendly with her cousin, Jonathan. He spent a lot of time with Phoebe having intense talks with her and teaching her all about life. Tricia, Macy and I all fell in love with the two of them. We have kept in touch and Jonathan stopped by this morning on his way to take the train to spend the week visiting Phoebe and her family at their home. It was so nice to see him and introduce Woody to him. He spent about an hour with us, and I got to hear all about the trip he just took to India,  before Ronan gave him the boot:) We had a good chuckle about that and Jonathon made Ronan laugh by telling him not to worry about it, that he was used to getting kicked out by ex-girlfriends, parents, etc;) He had Ronan is stitches even with how terrible he is feeling. It warmed my heart to see him and I sent him on his way telling him to give our love to Phoebe (who is doing wonderfully) and her mom, Ellen. I hope to see him again soon as he is now a friend for life. Tricia and Macy were both very sad that they were not here to see him too. That just means both of those girls have to come back here so we can orchestrate a reunion with Jonathan. Before we all do the NYC Marathon together once Ronan is well.

Woody went off and worked for most of the day. I sat and cuddled with Ronan and played Star Wars with him in his bed. We sang a lot of songs and I got him to get up a little bit so we could look out the window and shoot the snipers on the roof of the NYC buildings. He is still hurting and now is saying that everywhere hurts. I am doing my best not to panic and hoping it is just he hospital blues. We had a visit from the floor doctor today and his team as they were doing their rounds. It’s the first doctor here the I have met that I immediately didn’t like. He was condescending to say the least. As soon as he left, I gave Woody “the look” and he started cracking up laughing saying he knew I was going to bitch about him. I think my exact words were, ” I want to punch that guy in the face.” Woody agreed. The guy was a douche and I did not appreciate the way he was talking to Ronan, Woody or myself. He used some really stupid analogy on Woody when Woody asked if we could be discharged today. We both knew that the answer was going to be no, due to the pain control, but the way the doctor went about telling us no, was not necessary. We are not idiots and he could have said it a little more nicely instead of treating us like we were morons who came so far away from home. All the way from the Wild Wild West of Phoenix, AZ, where apparently, we have not evolved. I did also did not appreciate the way he made us feel like radiation and chemo was not going to do the trick for Ronan’s pain. We were told not to expect the pain to ease up until the end of the week. It is only Monday, you dick. Give some very scared parent’s a little ray of hope instead of going straight into what our options are if this doesn’t work. I don’t want any other options now, because this is going to work. I hope I never have to see that doctor again because I may just give him a swift kick in the balls.

Dr. Modak came by just as I was freaking out in my head over Ronan’s pain. He asked how he was doing, I said not well, and I told him we were very worried. He reassured me that everything was going to be o.k. and that the radiation was going to take some more time to kick in. I straight asked him if he feels like we can still get this under control. He told me without a doubt. Dr. Modak would not lie to us; my faith is in him completely. He said the combo of the chemo and radiation will work. We will take care of this little bump in the road and get Ronan back on track. I have no doubt about this.

After Woody returned to Sloan after a long day/evening working, I ran out to go back to the RMH to shower and gather up some new clothes. I was tempted to go on a run, but it was already 9:00 p.m. here and I wasn’t feeling up to being dangerous tonight. I had Marisa’s little voice in the back of my head chirping away about running in Central Park at night. I was way too tired anyway. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll sneak in a some time and get a run in. Lord knows I really need it even though my energy level is shot due to hospital life. It really takes a toll on me emotionally and physically, no matter how fun we try to make it.

Back at Sloan now and all is peaceful. Ronan is sleeping, Woody is on his computer, and our adorable roommates are listening to some show on their computer and laughing. The girl we are sharing a room with is a senior in high school and she has a girlfriend spending the night with her tonight. Her sister has been here every other night. They are adorable Jewish girls and I have a had a blast watching them celebrate Shaushan Purim all last week and it ended last night. They have been dressing up in costumes, laughing and talking all about their religion, beliefs, high school, etc…. It has been very sweet and uplifting. Never mind that one of the girls is very sick with cancer. Has not dampened their spirits at all. It is roommate heaven, as far as having to share a room goes.

It’s officially very late here… and I am a sleepy girl. Please continue to send Ro your strength and love…. please let his pain subside. And New York Miss Macy…. no more tears tonight my love. He is going to be fine. I love you.

G’nite all you beautiful people. Sweet dreams to  you all.

xoxo

MRI, CT, and Pet scan results…. kind of

After what seemed like the longest day ever; we returned home around 7:30 tonight. Ronan insisted we stop at CPK for pizza so we met Woody for dinner. I ate my one meal of the day, Ronan didn’t eat a thing and ended up just making me hold him while I ate. As  soon as we got in the car I was almost instantly sick to my stomach. I told you I don’t do well with food anymore…. we got home and I threw up my entire dinner. Awesome. Ronan is so used to seeing me do this now he just looked at me and said, “I sorry Mama. Do you want your toothbrush?”  It was the sweetest, saddest thing ever. He then asked to be put in my bed and for me to go to sleep with him. That is precisely what I did. I curled up beside him and 5 minutes later we were both sound asleep. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and am physically  and mentally beat. Ronan woke up around 9:30 tonight asking for some pizza, carrots, apples, and whipped cream. Nice combo. What Ronan wants, Ronan gets. He ate all of the food that I got him and went back to sleep. We have another early day tomorrow at PCH trying to finish up his Audiology test and then going to the clinic for a possible platelet transfusion. When they drew his labs today, his platelet count was low. “A” wants them checked again tomorrow and told me he will more than likely need to get them.

After Dr. Maze came to get me when he was done with Ronan I returned to a very sleepy little boy. I sat quietly and let Ronan wake up on his own and Aubrey tracked down Dr. Wood for me so he would come down and go over the MRI,CT, and Pet scan results. The results are all preliminary results, but I’ll take them. Dr. Wood told me that the Neuroblastoma is still showing up in a few areas, which he expected. Ronan’s shoulder bones, his upper thighs, and his spine all seem to have some Neuroblastoma left in them. The activity has decreased immensely and he said for as much cancer as Ronan had in his body, in no way shape or form, did he expect it to be gone entirely. This is what the Stem Cell transplant/radiation/antibodies will do. Remember, Ronan had Neuroblastoma in every bone in his body; even his pinky fingers.  I asked Dr. Wood if he saw anything he was concerned with and he said not all, that Ronan is making great progress. I wish I could say a huge sigh of relief came over me today, but I am still left with a feeling of numbness and sadness. Ronan’s results are amazing and I am elated that his cancer is responding so well; but the bottom line is my beautiful baby boy has cancer and I just want it gone. Now. I know, I know…..this is not a sprint it is a marathon. We will get him there but for some reason today was a hard day for me. Harder than yesterday. As I said before, all of these results are preliminary and we will know much more next week after he does the MIBG scan. That is on February 10th. As of now, we are moving forward and preparing to go ahead with transplant.

I have not spoken to anyone on the phone tonight except my dear Fernanda. We talked about Ronan’s results and I listened to her as she told me how she took the time today to research what exactly needs to be done for isolation and she made out a list for me that she got from the internet of other Neuroblastoma moms. I mean really, Fernanda. Never in my life will I be able to thank you enough for all the things you are doing for me without me even having to ask. I am so thankful for you every second of the day. Fernanda’s list includes everything from scrubbing down our isolation room with a toothbrush (not even kidding), to making sure every item of clothing is bleached and sealed in a bag before it goes into the room. She told me to stop doing my laundry for the next two weeks and to leave it at my door so she can pick it up and I won’t have to waste time on that bullshit so I can fully be focused on Liam, Quinn, and Woody. I said to her, “Well what if I like doing laundry?” She then told me that the only reason I like doing laundry is because it gives me a sense of normalcy and nothing in my life is normal at the moment so to knock it off. I had to laugh as this is so true. Laundry makes me happy because it is the one thing that I freaking have control over in my life and it is something that will always be consistent and never change. It’s true; I absolutely love laundry:)

I am trying to wrap my head around giving up complete control of my life once this isolation thing starts. Just the thought of this gives me such anxiety. I think I need to make a list of the things I can control, just to make myself feel a little bit better. I have no idea what that even will consist of because my “normal” life is pretty much going to be gone. All I have to say to this right now is HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I still cannot believe any of this is real. Shouldn’t this be a movie that I am watching in the theaters or something?? This cannot be real life, this cannot be my life or Ronan’s life. I will never stop shaking my head and the tears will never stop. This is all too much. What I wouldn’t give to complain about the things I used to complain about like having to take Ronan to the grocery store because he would NEVER sit in the cart and would insist on running up and down the aisles which would drive me crazy. Or how I would feel so overwhelmed with my daily “to do” lists….. what a joke. Nothing in my old life was anything to ever complain about.  I would give anything to have my worries of the day consist of what I was going to make for dinner and how I was going to squeeze in Ronan’s nap for the day because of all of the “things” we had to do. My past life all seems make believe, like it was never really real and it was all just a dream. I could sit and cry just thinking of all the things I was ungrateful for and how much I miss what we used to have. That won’t do me any good tonight though. Tonight I am not going to sit and cry myself to sleep because today was a day full of good news. I have to remind myself that on days like today, I am not allowed to be sad. Ronan is working too hard so I will take tonight to be thankful for the progress he is making and be proud of what a strong little boy he is. He is the bravest soul that has ever existed.

Tonight, while we were waiting for my car from the valet, I caught a glimpse of myself holding Ronan in the doors to the clinic. It was another one of my out of body experiences as I looked at my refection and almost didn’t recognize who this person was with her baby boy draped over her body. It was me but I felt as though it wasn’t. It took my breath away for a second and I almost felt like I was going to faint. Had nothing to do with the fact that I had not eaten all day I’m sure;) It had everything to do with the fact that I will never get used to the fact that I am now a mom to a child with cancer. I will never accept this and I will never come to terms with it. This is just a moment in time, a sick and twisted way of Ronan having to prove how much he deserves to be on this earth. It’s my way of proving how much I love my son by fighting as hard as I can fight to keep him here and surround him with every ounce of love I have in my body.

God, am I even making sense tonight? I feel delirious and all fired up at the same time. One day at a time, one step closer to Ronan’s wellness, right Auntie Karen:):) She always tells me this…. love and miss you so much. Hope you are having fun in Cali:) Thinking of you there makes me smile because I can picture all of the laughing and fun you are having. That makes me happy and gives me peace tonight. You know what else gives me peace?? All of you. When I get pissed at the world, I think of all of you beautiful souls out there who love Ronan so much and who have faith that his journey is meant for a very special reason. Having you all believe in him and love him so much means everything to me. So thank you a million times over. You all give me strength when I need it most.

Ahhh….. my New York Miss Macy is calling me right now. Perfect timing as she gives me the giggles like no other and I can’t think of a better way to end the night. I am beyond blessed to have the most amazing friends. Love you all! Sweet dreams!!

xoxo

This picture says everything tonight. My favorite animal is a Giraffe. Ronan’s is a Zebra. Keep on holding on baby. We will get you through this.

Happy Friday!

My Grandpa Jack passed away Tuesday night and I don’t even have the tears to cry about it. He was my favorite Grandpa and I always looked forward to seeing him whenever we went back to Washington. I would take the boys every summer to his house and we would sit and talk to him. When we were there last August, I took Liam and Quinn to visit him in his new nursing home and he didn’t even know who I was. That made me very sad, but now that he is gone, I just feel numb. I am in so much pain from what Ronan is going though, that anything else that comes my way, doesn’t hurt at all. I know if it were not what I am going through right now, I would be crying non-stop and on the first flight to sit with my Dad and Aunt Sheri and the rest of the family at his funeral. I don’t have it in me to be there with them, or to leave Ronan. So to all of my family reading this, please know that I wish I could be there and I love each and everyone of you. RIP Grandpa Jack, so happy you get to be with Grandma Bonnie now.

So, last night I saw via Facebook that my little cousin, Shannon, had a modeling gig going on pretty close to my house. She models for a lot of different things, but the event last night was for a company called “Bella Legs.” You can check out the website here: www.bellalegs.com. My cousin, Shannon, has the best legs in the world and is a perfect model for this company. I really wanted to get out and support her so I called up a couple of girlfriends and asked very last minute, if they wanted to go out with me. My two friends, Lindsey and Jocelyn, dropped everything to take me out. You have no idea how much that meant to me. We got to the event and I got to spend some much needed time with Shannon and her Dad, Roy, who I am very close to. It felt so good. Throw in a few Coors Lights, girlfriends, and family…… best night in a very long time. I got to have a nice long talk with Roy, which is always so good for me. He loves me so much and vise versa. We talked about my Grandpa, my Dad, and about Ronan. He knows Ronan is going to be o.k. and kept reassuring me of it. I know this too but it is always nice to be reassured. I ended up meeting the owner of Bella Legs and she couldn’t have been sweeter. I asked her if she ever did charity events and she said absolutely. Cancer, has unfortunately been a part of her life. I gave her my info and she said she would love to put together something for Ronan. I am so excited for this plan to come into action. Two of my favorite things, fashion and Ronan:) After Roy and Shannon left, I got in my girl time with Joss and Linds. Those two make my heart sing and being with them is always a blast. I so needed a night out to relax and little and have some heart to hearts with my friends. It was a night full of fun and beauty.

Ronan is back to being his normal, happy, hyper, self. He has been running around all day and I couldn’t even get him to nap today. I went to Liam and Quinn’s school for their Thanksgiving Day feast. I was so happy to be able to go. It was a little overwhelming… I still don’t do well in big social situations. I found myself taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to focus on my sweet little guys. They were so happy to have me at their school. I don’t get to spend much time there:(

Tomorrow, we go into PCH for a check of Ronan’s kidneys, which is just a precaution. Then we will have his blood levels and ANC counts checked. I can tell his immune system is spiking up just due to the way he looks and is acting. We have to make sure they are high enough to start chemo on Monday though. Here we go again! Trying to mentally prepare for next week in the hospital. I can do this…. if I survived last week, I can survive the week ahead.

Gosh! This post has taken me forever to write! I started it on Wednesday and kept getting sidetracked. Just a combo of being busy and tired. Today, we went to PCH to get Ronan’s labs done. We also had to go over to Nucular Medicine to have a 5 hour GFR test done. It is basically a test that measures Ronan’s kidney function. It is standard protocol when going through chemo. It was a long day though. Ronan’s platelets were very low, so we got a transfusion while we were there. If they don’t come up by Monday, we will have to postpone our chemo week. I think he will end up being o.k. We go to the clinic Monday at 9 a.m. to have his levels checked and if all is well, we will check right into the hospital for our week of chemo. Ronan and I left the house at 7:30 this morning and did not get home until 4. He has been running around all evening, playing with his brothers. His home is his favorite place in the world… I am so happy we get to spend the weekend here.

Happy Friday night to you all. I hope you have a beautiful weekend. xoxo

“I soooo happy, mama”

Last night, we were able to leave the hospital. Ronan was fast asleep in his hospital bed and about 10:30 p.m. the nurse came into the room and said we could leave. I gathered up our things, managed to carry our bag, Ronan’s blankets, and pick up my baby boy and carry him to the car. He woke up just as we were waiting for the elevator, wrapped his arms around me and said, “I soooo happy, mama. I love you soooo much. I sooooo proud of you.” The tears welled up in my eyes and I felt like my heart was going to explode. It is things like that, that make all the bad parts of what we are going through, disappear.

Today, I am so thankful for so many different things, big and small. I am thankful that I have such a strong mother-in-law. Anyone who knows my mother-in-law, knows what an amazing person she is. But it is her strength as she is standing by our side through all of this that makes me love her, adore her, and look up to her more than I could have possibly imagined. I think she is possibly the strongest women I have ever met in my entire life.

I am thankful for my all of my dear friends. My Niki, who loves to leave me long voicemails, pouring her heart out to me. The fact that after a 5 minute phone conversation she can tell by the sound of my voice if I am having a weak moment or if I am doing o.k. And if she can tell that I am not doing well, she’ll call me back up to leave me a message or listen to me vent, cry, or not even talk at all. My Tricia, who is flying to NYC just to hold my hand through this. Who knows what it means to be a real friend, even in such an awful situation. She fills me with encouragement, hope and love. For the phone conversation I had with my Susie today, who doesn’t live here but because of our friendship and bond, it doesn’t make a difference in the love we have for each other. She is so understanding, supportive and knows just how to make me laugh when I need it most. My dear Kotalik family. They too will be in NYC with us and they have no idea how much that means to me. We are going to need all of the love and support we can get out there.

I am thankful for my strong husband, who refuses to give up this fight. Who questions the doctors every move, decision, and treatment option. For my amazing, strong twin boys. Their smiles and giggles light up my world. The way they treat Ronan, love Ronan, and take care of Ronan. They are so brave and beautiful. I love to see the way Ronan lights up as soon as they walk into a room. The bond the 3 of them have is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Their souls are connected and it will forever stay that way.

I am thankful for an amazing lady named Dr. Adams. She is the doctor who is in charge of Ronan’s stem cell transplant and when we met with her yesterday, we were prepared for a fight with the things we are requesting for Ronan and how we are questioning everything. She could not have been more compassionate, loving, and open minded. She listened, stated her opinions without being too overbearing, and agreed to listen to what Dr. Kushner from Sloan Kettering had to say regarding Ronan’s stem cell harvest. I know from listening to her and looking into her eyes, that she wants nothing but best for Ronan. She is amazingly brilliant and it is so nice to completely trust someone with the life of your son. I trust her 110%. She has poured her entire life into something she believes in and is passionate about. I will forever have the utmost respect and love for her.

I am thankful for the little things too. The fact that we have a house, food on the table, and the means to get Ronan the best treatment possible. Thank god for insurance. I am thankful that tonight I am going to go out to enjoy my husband and friends to the fullest. After this past week in the hospital, I really need some time with Woody. Everyday, I find myself humbled and thankful for pretty much everything in my life. Some things are new, some are old, but all are important. The thing I am thankful for most though is another day looking into Ronan’s big blue eyes and another night sleeping with him snuggled up beside me. He is such a precious gift to our family. We as a family will never be ungrateful for the petty things in life again. Ronan has put everything in perspective. What a big job for such a little boy.

P.S. Some have you have asked what we are going to NYC for. We are going there to have Dr. La Qualia, from Sloan Kettering, resect the tumor that is in Ronan’s abdomen. He is one of the  very top doctors at doing this and has been given the nickname of “The surgeon of the Angels.” They say he has a gift; a magic touch. We only want the very best operating on Ronan. He is our best shot at saving our baby and getting all of the Neuroblastoma out of his body. He knows what he is doing, knows what to look for, and has been recommended by everyone we have talked to. So NYC, here we come. <3<3<3

Have a beautiful weekend my beautiful friends.