Love and the Locket

Ronan. It’s days like today that give me just a sliver of hope that I am going to be o.k. That being without you, won’t kill me. I know this because today….. I felt something that I haven’t don’t feel very often anymore. Almost happy.

The morning started off as usual. We woke up around 9 and Quinn had asked to have a day at the beach. We texted Auntie Karen to see if Olivia could meet us. She sent her over and we headed out to enjoy the San Diego sun. We went down to the beach and spent a couple of hours there, being lazy and then we swam in the ocean for a while. We headed up to the pool after we got tired of the sand and the flies that seemed to be everywhere. We spent the next couple of hours at the pool and Quinn and Olivia played their little hearts out. Auntie Karen joined us for a bit and we sat and talked about you. She misses you so much. It felt nice to talk about you with her though. She told me how you will always be with her. I know this. You are part of her and always will be. She will forever be your favorite crazy “old lady.” We still giggle all the time about how you would call her this.

After our pool time, we got ready for the evening. Susie drove over from Mission Beach to see us. Macy, Quinn, Susie, Olivia, Liz and I all walked into town to have dinner. All I have to say is your New York Miss Macy is like chicken noodle soup for my soul. She makes me laugh like no other. Somehow, when we were with Liz a few nights ago, Macy started talking in her fake British accent. It caused Liz and I to crack up because it came out of nowhere and it was so awful. We have been teasing her about this for days now and it has turned into a huge joke. Tonight, we spent most of the evening being loud and laughing, while we all talked in our fake British accents. It was an evening full of taking silly pictures, British accents, laughing until our sides hurt and just having wonderful, innocent, fun. Quinn was in heaven and joined in and soaked up everything that we were saying and doing.

After dinner, Susie had to head out and the rest of us headed down to watch the sunset at the beach together. As we were setting our things down, I took off the locket that Macy bought me last week. She found it at a shop in North Park while we were waiting for our table at a restaurant and fell in love with it. She bought one for herself and one for me. It’s gold, long, heavy and we talked about how we would put a beautiful picture of you in it. It is so gorgeous and has become one of my favorite pieces of jewelry. Just knowing that you are close to my heart and inside of it, brings me such a feeling of peace. I took the locket off tonight and set it in one of my shoes. I ran off and forgot about it as we spent the next couple of hours playing on the beach, doing hand stands and silly things.

As it started to get dark we decided to head up to the Hotel Del to get ice cream. As we got there, Quinn asked to go into the toy store instead. We all agreed as the line for the ice cream was really long and it was hot and stuffy in there. We played in the toy store with him for the next 30 minutes all while still talking in our very loud British accents. We were getting ready to leave and I noticed my locket was not on my neck. I immediately went to my purse to see if I had put it in there. No dice. I panicked and told the girls that I had a slight emergency as I remembered I had set the locket in my shoe at the beach. Macy and Liz stayed with Quinn and I grabbed Olivia to come with me. We rushed back to the beach and tried to retrace our steps as best we could. Luckily, we sat and played by a very big hole in the sand which is how I got us back to the spot to where we were sitting. Turns out, this hole was not as helpful as I had thought because we did set our things down kind of far away from it. I knew was at least a starting point and it was better than nothing. We started searching for my locket and I could feel myself starting to panic. It was pitch black and the beach just looked so big; like it could have swallowed us whole. That is how I felt and right as I could feel the tears to begin to pour down my cheeks, Olivia yelled, ” I found it!” I could not believe my ears. The locket was half buried in the sand, it was dark, but somehow Olivia found it. A wave of happiness washed over me. I hugged Olivia and told her thank you. That sweet girl saved me today. It was such a good day and if she would not have found my necklace, the day for me would have completely been ruined. I know it is only a material thing, but the fact that Macy bought it for the both of us, to keep you closer to our hearts means so much to me. Thank you too, Ro. For helping Olivia tonight. I know that was you. I know you wanted me to have a good day today as you know how much I need that every once in a while.

We all came back up to the condo and I headed out for a quick run. It was late, so I didn’t do my usual route of 6 miles. I did a fast 4 instead. Macy wouldn’t have it any other way because of the fact that it was so late but she knows how I am if I don’t get my run in. She let me go but not before I gave her an exact time of when I would be back. I’ve given her the name of “wife,” now. She is my surrogate Woody. I am going to be so sad when she has to leave tomorrow. I know Quinn will too. He loves her so much. We will see her next week though as she has to be in Newport for a work trip.

This morning Papa Jim sent me a picture. It was of Liam and his first Salmon that he caught. They went out fishing on Papa’s boat early this morning. What a great way to start off my day. He looked so happy and proud of his fish. I was sad that I wasn’t there to see it, but I am so thankful for the happiness that I saw in his eyes today in that picture. He will remember that for the rest of his life.

O.K. baby. I’m going to try to get some sleep. I didn’t fall asleep until 4 a.m. last night and I promised Macy I would try to get to sleep earlier tonight. Quinn is snuggled up tightly in between the two of us. I will kiss him goodnight for you. I miss you so much. Thank you for the love and laughter today. Thank you for Macy. I would have never found her if it wasn’t for you. Your little gifts are everywhere. Sweet dreams my gorgeous boy. I hope you are safe. I love you, Ronan.

xoxo

Fuels in the fire. Burn baby, burn.

I’m writing today to you all because I have a lot of fuels in the fire. I know I am supposed to be enjoying my family beach time, but being busy is helpful to me as well. First of all, last night I had the chance to go and look at all of the pictures that the amazingly talented, Emily Carroll, took at Ronan’s Fundraiser, and posted to her Facebook page. The link is on my Facebook page as well. I cannot tell you what an out of body experience it was for me to see all of your beautiful faces, most of whom I didn’t know, supporting us. I cried the entire time I looked through them. It is was beyond hard for me, to know that all of you were there because of the love you have for our family and because our little boy is dead. Can you put yourself in my shoes for one minute? Just take one minute, close your eyes, and think of your child dying. In that one minute, allow yourself to experience the pain I feel, my family feels, every second of the day. Take this one minute of pain and know this is why you all have taken it upon yourselves to inject yourself into our lives, when most of you don’t even know us. Take a minute to think about what amazing human beings that makes you and be proud of who you are. You all know there is more to life then the superficial things that surround us. You all get the bigger picture and you all know you are about to help me change this world and the way most people live with their eyes closed and lack of passion. You all have made me beyond proud and honored to have your love and support.
Ronan lived everyday of his life as if it was his last, without ever knowing that he would only get to be on this earth for almost 4 short years. Maybe deep down, in his old little soul, he did know this, which is why he made everyday a party and gave us so much happiness. He lived his life to the fullest, the way everyone should. I can guarantee you, if Ronan would have grown into an adult, the way he should have, he would have changed the world in some way shape or form. He would have had such a huge impact, as it was what he was put on this earth to do. Look at how much he has done with his life in the short amount of time that he did get to be here. His life was taken away from him, but I still believe he was meant to change it. I will never stop believing in the power of my son and his big blue eyes. The connection that Ronan and I have was so beyond deep, that it is beyond this life. I know it is him who is pushing me to keep going with his mission, his life, and his soul. I know what he wants me of me and every idea that I have, I am going to fight for it. Every goal I want to reach, I am going to fight for it. Every breath that I have to take, when I don’t want to anymore, I will fight for it. He is surrounding me still and I cannot rest until things in this world start to change. Ronan wants to be the voice for childhood cancer, so someday, children will not have to suffer and lose their lives the way he did. Ronan wants all parents to know that you should never take a day for granted with your kids and that the little stuff, really does not matter. He wants to help make parents, better parents. He wants all children to be loved as much as he was, because he knows how precious life is and he would give anything to be back here with us, where he was loved every second of his life. I gave my whole heart, body, mind and soul, to Ronan from the time he was born. I think deep down, I knew that I wasn’t going to get to have him forever which is why our connection was so deep and so different. I gave him a lifetime of love in his almost 4 short years that he was here. I will forever be heartbroken and feel like we were robbed of the most amazing child, but that his fight has to continue on.
Back to my fuels in the fire. I have a lot of things to take care of in regards to Ronan’s Foundation when we get back to Arizona. I am going to pour my heart and soul into it. Some things that I want to see happen are the following:
I want to make The Brightest Star in the Sky a yearly event. I want to make it huge. The amazing women who put it on for us this year are completely invested in our cause and for that, I cannot say thank you enough. I cannot wait to be involved with you all and to work with you to make it spectacular. I cannot wait to watch how it evolves and grows into something that everyone knows about and I have all of you beautiful woman to thank for getting this started. This would have not happened without you and for that I will forever be grateful.
I want to find a big voice for Childhood Cancer. People worship the power of celebrities so much, and as much power as they have, why hasn’t anyone stepped up to the plate to start a movement for Childhood Cancer? I know a lot of celebrities support St. Judes, which is amazing, by why not just Childhood Cancer in general??
Also, Yoplait. They change all of their lid colors to pink in October, which is also amazing, so why not Yellow for the month of September for Childhood Cancer Awareness?? I don’t have their contact info yet, so if anyone knows of it, please email me at mayawoody@gmail.com
I think the more people they hear from, the more they would be willing to listen. A movement has to start and it has to start now. The sooner the better as we all know when  you are dealing with Childhood Cancer, time is not on your side.
Lastly, I wanted to tell you that last night I did dream of Ronan. I could cry just telling you about it. I was pushing him on a raft, he had hair, and he was laughing and happy. In my dream, he was alive, but I was also talking to people about his death. My childhood friends, Missy and Mandy were in it and we were on Missy’s farm with Ronan running around. My friend, Lisa, was in it and I was hugging her about Ronan dying. It was a dream where life and death both existed, but they were both beautiful. I am so thankful for my dream last night and I didn’t take my Ambien to go to sleep. I didn’t fall asleep until about 3 a.m. but at least I got to see my sweet baby boy. It was the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
That is all for today my friends. I have been getting a lot of emails also about getting bracelets to out of state peeps. Once I figure this out, I promise I will let you know. Just give me a few days:) Thanks for your support and love, always. Have a good day, my friends. Love you all.
xoxo

You must have been a beautiful baby

Ronan’s counts are still rising. He had a great day. I came to the hospital this afternoon with Liam and Quinn. The 9th floor blocked off the playroom for us so Ronan could play with his brothers. We stayed in there for about 3 hours and the boys played their little hearts out. The twins then left with Woody to go back to the RMH so Woody could shower and get some work done. I stayed with Ro for the rest of the day and evening. We played out of our room most of the day, and walked the halls shooting people and playing in the playroom. Ronan took a red marker today and colored all of his arms and said it was blood from his battles. Pretty much anything goes in the hospital as far as I’m concerned as long as he is having fun. I gave him a good bath afterwords in a little tub of water on the floor. He’s all clean now and just fell asleep as he didn’t nap today. Woody is on his way back here to stay the night so I can have some time with L and Q.

We have some scans set for Friday and Ronan will be discharged after that. They keep changing the set of scans we are having but as of now, I believe it’s the CT and Bone Marrow on Friday and the MIBG next week. That is the last I heard from one of the doctors earlier today, but that could always change. I asked New York Miss Macy if she could take Liam and Quinn for a few hours on Friday so they don’t have to sit in the hospital with us and wait. She happily agreed and I know the boys are going to over the moon about spending some time with her. It will be so helpful to us to have them off somewhere having fun, rather than sitting in a hospital.

So anybody that knows me, knows that I have been obsessed with taking pictures my entire life. Just a hobby that brings me much happiness and always has. Taking pictures of my kids is definitely my favorite subject. I have over 11,000 pics on my iphoto… so to say I’m obsessed is an understatement. All of my pictures on my iphoto are now defined to me as, this was our life before Ronan had cancer and this is now our life after. Sad but true.  Going back and looking at pictures before all of this is painful to me and makes me break down in tears. Every picture of Ronan before all of this makes me sick to my stomach as I would have never in my life have imagined this happening to him. He was such a gorgeous baby…. how can he now have cancer???  I sit and look at all of our pictures before all of this and we were such a happy family. We have so many beautiful memories and we were so blessed. I get so angry that all of that has been taken away and we have to work so hard to now find our happiness in the hardest of times. Today, as I was pushing Ronan’s asspole around the halls as well as trying to carry his gun, Star Wars guys, and his Crayola markers that he called his “Missles,” I was overwhelmed with anger. I caught a glimpse of him walking down the hall as I followed behind and he almost tripped over all of his lines. He looked back and goes, “Mom, I can’t carry my tubies and my guns.” I wanted to punch a freaking wall. It makes me sick that my 3-year-old has to worry about tripping over his lines. I am also pissed because Ronan has his 4th Birthday coming up and all I wanted was for him to be home. Instead, we will have to celebrate it in the hospital. All he wants to do is go back to Phoenix and he tells me at least once a day that he is never going to get to go back home and be with his brothers. I tell him that is not true, but no matter how much convincing I try to do, he argues with me and does not believe me. In his head, he thinks we are going to stay in New York forever and he thinks he is never going home. So much for a little boy to try to understand. Too much for a little boy to try to understand. As happy as he is, I also know that he is worried and sad and there is nothing I can do to take that away no matter how hard I try. That is my venting for the evening. I feel a little better now. Not really, but I am trying to convince my self otherwise.

I left the hospital late tonight and came back to RMH with Liam and Quinn. We went down to the common area and worked on some of their homework that their wonderful teacher, Mrs. Martin sent with them. I cannot tell you how good it felt to sit and help my boys with their homework, like a normal mom. After we worked on homework for about 30 minutes, we played the board game Operation. I have not played that game since I was a little girl. We had so much fun playing it together tonight. We are now all snug in bed and Liam and Quinn are watching CSI. A bit mature for them, but they both say they love it. My 7 year olds are now going on 30….. They are growing up way too fast:( Makes me sad.

Tomorrow is a new day. One more day closer to getting Ronan out of the hospital. Cannot wait to see Miss Macy tomorrow. Cannot wait until Friday, when we can bust Ro out of there and all be together outside of Sloan. Sweet dreams, my friends. Thank you for checking in with us. Have a beautiful day tomorrow.

xoxo