Burn baby, burn

Home. That’s where we are heading. No more hospitals, no more clinics, no more. As I sit here holding Ro on our flight home, all I can think about is, “Will this be his last airplane ride?” It can’t be possible. He was supposed to be coming with us, to Ireland soon. He was supposed to be going to Washington with us this summer. He was supposed to go on my most favorite family vacation to the San Juan Islands on the big boat that Papa Jim will drive. We were waiting until he was 4 to take him on this trip. This is the sickest, cruelest joke in the world. When did life become so hard? That’s the scariest thing; because everything changed overnight. I had no idea how precious life really was until all of this. I’ll say this over and over; I will always wish this was me and not him. I’ve done enough in my life to be fulfilled. He will never get the chance.

So after all of this, I’m sorry to say that if my baby boy goes, there is not a God. God would not do this to a child, a family, to a mother. God can fuck off. I’ve put all my faith out there I only to have it ripped away from me. If “God” takes away my child, I’m going to go burn down a mother fucking church. I’m going to go crazy and I have every right to. The pain that is in my heart will NEVER be healed. For those of you who want to judge me, think less of me for writing these words, or to wonder how I could say such things…. You are not allowed. You have not walked in my shoes, even if you think you have in some sort if way; you have not because you were never a mom to Ronan.

I am about to go home, to the only place Ronan wants to be. I am about to have the toughest conversation in my life with my twin boys. Ronan is their best friend and I am about to tell them the thing that they have feared the most. I’ve stopped eating as I have no appetite. It’s been 4 days now and the thought of food makes me sick to my stomach. I ate some cheese and crackers today only to get Woody off my back. Fuck all if this.

You don’t need to worry about my sanity, as it is gone. But as a mom I know it us my job to put on a very good show as to not traumatize my twins. I would never let them see this insane pain I am feeling. I love them too much. I know I will get through this, but now, sitting on this plane ride I am beyond angry. My emotions change from circumstance to circumstance. The moment I step off this flight, I will put back on my positivity shoes that seem to come off every now and again.

I want Ronan back. I want his hair, I want his healthy body, I want his laugh and bright eyes. I want his naughty trouble making soul that always reminded me of me. He is my little clone on the inside. The two of us never skipped a beat. You know who this is going to be the hardest on? My Quinn. Ronan and Quinn are closer that Quinn is to his twin brother, Liam. How us that even possible? Twins are supposed to have this crazy connection, which my two do; but it is nothing like the connection Ro and Quinn have.

There will come a time after all of this that I am going to go crazy, mark my words. It may take me jumping out if a fucking airplane, visiting some crazy country, running another marathon, but something is going to have to give. I’m not living a life full of limitations anymore and I’m not saying no to things that come my way. I’ve just walked through hell and back and I’m done with all the superficial bullshit that life has to offer. I will spend the rest of my life, helping others, not because it is good for my ego; but because I’m going to make a difference in this world and change the way people’s warped minds think. I will put every ounce into making sure my twins turn out to be just like their Dad; as there us not a better man in the world. I will make sure they know the meaning if living a life by their rules, as long as they don’t hurt others. I will guide them, love them, and we will never forget out Ronan who has forever changed our lives. They will be raised to have an impact in this world in honor of their brother. The most amazing little soul who has ever existed on this planet.

They will be taught to never judge people, as judgment is my least favorite quality in a person. Nobody has the right. They will grow up open-minded, respectful, fearless, honest, and I will support them, guide them, and love them with every bone in my body. I know that I am going to have to work extra hard to fulfill the love that they have missing from Ro. I am more than prepared to take on that task as these 8 months away from them have been horrific. This has been so unfair to them.

We made it home safe and sound. My little busy bees had everything perfect. I told Fernanda and Bethany I needed all new bedding for Ronan in my bed. All white, all calm, all peaceful, all new. He has been so sick in my bed for all this time; he deserves to now be surrounded by nothing but the softest sheets, pillows, blankets, white everything like a fluffy cloud. I asked for Fernanda to make me dinner so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Done. I begged NY Miss Macy to get on a flight asap to spend the weekend with us. Done. Time is not on our side and nobody knows how much time we have left with Ronan. Anything I have asked of my friends, has been done and more and I will never be able to thank them enough. I hope they know how the only reason I am still standing is because of them. I would be so lost without them. Thank you my angels. You all know who you are.

We were met at the airport by somebody from Hospice whom I chose to ignore. So rude of me I know, but I am so numb and so in denial that I couldn’t do anything else. She came over to our house and I let Woody deal with her. I unpacked some of our things and just pretended like she wasn’t here. Woody asked if I wanted them here for the weekend. I told him no way and to make them leave a.s.a.p. My manners were nowhere in sight today and for that I apologize as I know at some point we are going to need them. But not yesterday, not this weekend. All I want is one normal weekend where I can pretend like this isn’t real. Which is why we didn’t have any talk with Liam and Quinn yet. Just one weekend is all I’m asking for where we can pretend like we are a normal, happy, family. Liam and Quinn deserve as much normal time at home with Ronan without having to know too much.

Auntie Karen and Liz came over to unpack for me. Heidi and Luke came by so Ronan could play with him as he has been begging to see Luke for days now. I sat and watched as the sweetest little 10-year-old boy cry over his worry for Ronan. I just told him I loved him and all that mattered was that Ronan was so happy to be home and so happy to be with Luke and his brothers. My dear, sweet friend, Aubrey (Dr. Maze) came by to give us his support. It was hard for me to look at him tonight as I had so much to say but nothing was appropriate with all the kiddos around. He sat and watched me buzz around, taking care of Ro, getting food for the kiddos, he watched the complete chaos of my life which I so love. I was so happy to have him here. He is a part of our family now. He loves Ro so much. After he left, I put Ronan in my bed and took the hottest bath alive.

Ronan and I fell asleep shortly after my bath. All cuddled up in our cloud of a bed. Thank you again girls. It was the most peaceful night of sleep that I have had in a very long time. We are up early… 5 a.m. Not sure why but Ronan was demanding that we get up. Whatever that boy wants, that boy gets. He’s watching “Mickey Mouse,” while I finish this post. We are going to the twins’ baseball game today and Woody is helping coach. Tricia and Macy are picking up Ronan and myself as I’m not sure if I can drive. Today we are going to be as normal as we can and normal now consists of giving Ronan morphine around the clock to keep him out of pain. My mom gets in today. Don’t know how I’m going to look her in the eyes. I’m so mad at everything and everyone about this. I’m not ready to let him go so soon. I pray that he stays with us as long as possible. I want to see my baby turn 4 on May 12. I want him here for Woody’s birthday on May 24th, for Tricia’s on May 25th, for Mother’s Day, whenever that is. I don’t want to spend this Mother’s Day without him. Please. Somebody listen. I have been on my knees, begging so much that they are bloody.