All good things are wild and free. Especially in Washington.

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Ronan. We went on our first kind of real vacation without you, since you died. A real vacation meaning a vacation that we had talked about going on while you were alive, but never did so. A vacation that I grew up going on during my summer breaks from school. The one that I always dreamed of taking my 3 boys on, when they were old enough. We always put it off because “Ronan is too young and I’m scared that he won’t listen to me and will die by jumping off the side of the yacht. We can take him when he’s 4 or 5, but not now.” Not now sucks balls and I should have, would have could have because guess what?!  I got to have you die not from having the time of your life by jumping off the side of our boat but from cancer instead. Lucky me, lucky you. This will always be one of my biggest regrets in life, the not taking you on this trip because you were too wild and crazy. We would have had the best wild and crazy time together, Ronan and I will always be sorry about this.

 
So, to the San Juan Islands in Washington we went. With your Nana, Papa Jim, my step-sister, her husband, their daughter, your daddy, brothers and Poppy girl. Your Papa Jim has been so excited for this vacation and has been talking about taking you all on it for years. It was definitely one of his dreams to do so during his life. Before he gets too old and can no longer navigate and drive the boat. We just spent the most beautiful week all together in the open seas, going from harbor to harbor. We made our way all around the islands and even up to Canada. The weather cooperated perfectly for me as most of the days were cool and a little dark and rainy. It was almost the perfect vacation. You were the only thing missing from the perfection of it all. Your brothers had a blast doing all the nature/ocean things that we don’t really get to do living in Arizona. We caught our own crabs for dinners, played in the fresh, cool air, Quinn drove the little dingy about in the ocean and laughed as he went faster and faster with your Papa Jim right by his side. There were card games, stories galore, catching and releasing sea creatures, beautiful family time. It was a vacation that you would have went crazy for. I tried to handle it all as gracefully as I could and I didn’t even feel the urge to throw myself off of the boat and into the choppy ocean seas. Poppy was a dream and barely made a peep except when she decided to grace us all with her coos and smiles. This vacation meant so much to all of us, but most of all to your Papa Jim and I’m so glad we got to do this with him. There are not too many 70-year-old Papas that can drive a huge boat through the middle of the islands and not blink an eye. It is something I know your brothers will remember forever and that means so much to me. Our vacation is over but we will spent the rest of the summer at your Nana and Papa’s house while your daddy goes back and forth between here and Arizona. Our first real trip without you is over and I am sad, but only because it was a trip that we never got to take you on. That just goes to show, you should never put things off because you never know how short one’s life really will be. . I’ll never be able to take you on a trip that you should have went on and the only reason I got through that trip was because of your sister. Because every time I got sad I just looked down at her and told myself that a part of you was there, with us. I didn’t really let your Poppy sister out of my sight and there is a good reason behind all of that. I don’t think I could have done that trip, without her much like I don’t think I would be able to do this life if it weren’t for her. She has brought back little pieces of you everywhere.
 
Tomorrow, Macy is flying in to spend some time with us while your Daddy leaves. Everyone, including your Nana and Papa are excited about that. My friend, Robyn, Ezra’s mom, is coming down to stay for a day as well as she is visiting her family up in the Seattle area. I’m so lucky to have the kind of parent’s who are so happy to welcome all of my friends into their lives and their house, like they are part of our family. They never act inconvenienced or put out and they always welcome my friends with open arms. I am so lucky in that regard. I know I will do the same for my boys and your sister when the time comes. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do. Especially that Macy of yours that will drop everything at the drop of a hat to swoop in and come to Washington just because I ask her to. I’m sure your Poppy sister had a little something to do with that as Macy can’t take going too long without seeing her. It will be so wonderful to have her here.
 
Ronan. I started this a few nights ago. I’m sorry I haven’t written. Macy is here and has been for a few days. It is because of this that I know for the time being, I will be o.k. She makes everything better. Tomorrow, we are meeting Paxton’s mama who flew in to spent the year anniversary of her baby boys death with me. I know I don’t know her, but I am going to try my hardest to help her through tomorrow. She took a chance on me and I am going to do my best even though most of the time, I have not a clue as to what I am doing. All I know is you would want me to help her. Isn’t that what I am left her for? To help others when I can? I’m sick about tomorrow and for what’s to come. I spoke to her tonight and told her I don’t know how, but we will get her through tomorrow. Please help us with this little man. Let Paxton’s mommy feel him all around us. We’ll need it so much to get her through the hell of a day that it’s going to be. I love you, Ronan.
 
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
 
xoxo
 
P.S. Fuck you cancer. You are still the biggest asshole I know. I am so sad and mad and heartbroken for tomorrow, the day that took Paxton away from his family. A sweet, innocent baby. Nobody can ever justify or make sense of ANY OF THIS. Ever.

Burn baby, burn

Home. That’s where we are heading. No more hospitals, no more clinics, no more. As I sit here holding Ro on our flight home, all I can think about is, “Will this be his last airplane ride?” It can’t be possible. He was supposed to be coming with us, to Ireland soon. He was supposed to be going to Washington with us this summer. He was supposed to go on my most favorite family vacation to the San Juan Islands on the big boat that Papa Jim will drive. We were waiting until he was 4 to take him on this trip. This is the sickest, cruelest joke in the world. When did life become so hard? That’s the scariest thing; because everything changed overnight. I had no idea how precious life really was until all of this. I’ll say this over and over; I will always wish this was me and not him. I’ve done enough in my life to be fulfilled. He will never get the chance.

So after all of this, I’m sorry to say that if my baby boy goes, there is not a God. God would not do this to a child, a family, to a mother. God can fuck off. I’ve put all my faith out there I only to have it ripped away from me. If “God” takes away my child, I’m going to go burn down a mother fucking church. I’m going to go crazy and I have every right to. The pain that is in my heart will NEVER be healed. For those of you who want to judge me, think less of me for writing these words, or to wonder how I could say such things…. You are not allowed. You have not walked in my shoes, even if you think you have in some sort if way; you have not because you were never a mom to Ronan.

I am about to go home, to the only place Ronan wants to be. I am about to have the toughest conversation in my life with my twin boys. Ronan is their best friend and I am about to tell them the thing that they have feared the most. I’ve stopped eating as I have no appetite. It’s been 4 days now and the thought of food makes me sick to my stomach. I ate some cheese and crackers today only to get Woody off my back. Fuck all if this.

You don’t need to worry about my sanity, as it is gone. But as a mom I know it us my job to put on a very good show as to not traumatize my twins. I would never let them see this insane pain I am feeling. I love them too much. I know I will get through this, but now, sitting on this plane ride I am beyond angry. My emotions change from circumstance to circumstance. The moment I step off this flight, I will put back on my positivity shoes that seem to come off every now and again.

I want Ronan back. I want his hair, I want his healthy body, I want his laugh and bright eyes. I want his naughty trouble making soul that always reminded me of me. He is my little clone on the inside. The two of us never skipped a beat. You know who this is going to be the hardest on? My Quinn. Ronan and Quinn are closer that Quinn is to his twin brother, Liam. How us that even possible? Twins are supposed to have this crazy connection, which my two do; but it is nothing like the connection Ro and Quinn have.

There will come a time after all of this that I am going to go crazy, mark my words. It may take me jumping out if a fucking airplane, visiting some crazy country, running another marathon, but something is going to have to give. I’m not living a life full of limitations anymore and I’m not saying no to things that come my way. I’ve just walked through hell and back and I’m done with all the superficial bullshit that life has to offer. I will spend the rest of my life, helping others, not because it is good for my ego; but because I’m going to make a difference in this world and change the way people’s warped minds think. I will put every ounce into making sure my twins turn out to be just like their Dad; as there us not a better man in the world. I will make sure they know the meaning if living a life by their rules, as long as they don’t hurt others. I will guide them, love them, and we will never forget out Ronan who has forever changed our lives. They will be raised to have an impact in this world in honor of their brother. The most amazing little soul who has ever existed on this planet.

They will be taught to never judge people, as judgment is my least favorite quality in a person. Nobody has the right. They will grow up open-minded, respectful, fearless, honest, and I will support them, guide them, and love them with every bone in my body. I know that I am going to have to work extra hard to fulfill the love that they have missing from Ro. I am more than prepared to take on that task as these 8 months away from them have been horrific. This has been so unfair to them.

We made it home safe and sound. My little busy bees had everything perfect. I told Fernanda and Bethany I needed all new bedding for Ronan in my bed. All white, all calm, all peaceful, all new. He has been so sick in my bed for all this time; he deserves to now be surrounded by nothing but the softest sheets, pillows, blankets, white everything like a fluffy cloud. I asked for Fernanda to make me dinner so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Done. I begged NY Miss Macy to get on a flight asap to spend the weekend with us. Done. Time is not on our side and nobody knows how much time we have left with Ronan. Anything I have asked of my friends, has been done and more and I will never be able to thank them enough. I hope they know how the only reason I am still standing is because of them. I would be so lost without them. Thank you my angels. You all know who you are.

We were met at the airport by somebody from Hospice whom I chose to ignore. So rude of me I know, but I am so numb and so in denial that I couldn’t do anything else. She came over to our house and I let Woody deal with her. I unpacked some of our things and just pretended like she wasn’t here. Woody asked if I wanted them here for the weekend. I told him no way and to make them leave a.s.a.p. My manners were nowhere in sight today and for that I apologize as I know at some point we are going to need them. But not yesterday, not this weekend. All I want is one normal weekend where I can pretend like this isn’t real. Which is why we didn’t have any talk with Liam and Quinn yet. Just one weekend is all I’m asking for where we can pretend like we are a normal, happy, family. Liam and Quinn deserve as much normal time at home with Ronan without having to know too much.

Auntie Karen and Liz came over to unpack for me. Heidi and Luke came by so Ronan could play with him as he has been begging to see Luke for days now. I sat and watched as the sweetest little 10-year-old boy cry over his worry for Ronan. I just told him I loved him and all that mattered was that Ronan was so happy to be home and so happy to be with Luke and his brothers. My dear, sweet friend, Aubrey (Dr. Maze) came by to give us his support. It was hard for me to look at him tonight as I had so much to say but nothing was appropriate with all the kiddos around. He sat and watched me buzz around, taking care of Ro, getting food for the kiddos, he watched the complete chaos of my life which I so love. I was so happy to have him here. He is a part of our family now. He loves Ro so much. After he left, I put Ronan in my bed and took the hottest bath alive.

Ronan and I fell asleep shortly after my bath. All cuddled up in our cloud of a bed. Thank you again girls. It was the most peaceful night of sleep that I have had in a very long time. We are up early… 5 a.m. Not sure why but Ronan was demanding that we get up. Whatever that boy wants, that boy gets. He’s watching “Mickey Mouse,” while I finish this post. We are going to the twins’ baseball game today and Woody is helping coach. Tricia and Macy are picking up Ronan and myself as I’m not sure if I can drive. Today we are going to be as normal as we can and normal now consists of giving Ronan morphine around the clock to keep him out of pain. My mom gets in today. Don’t know how I’m going to look her in the eyes. I’m so mad at everything and everyone about this. I’m not ready to let him go so soon. I pray that he stays with us as long as possible. I want to see my baby turn 4 on May 12. I want him here for Woody’s birthday on May 24th, for Tricia’s on May 25th, for Mother’s Day, whenever that is. I don’t want to spend this Mother’s Day without him. Please. Somebody listen. I have been on my knees, begging so much that they are bloody.