The Silver Lining in the Clouds. I Wonder What it’s All About.

Ro baby. I haven’t been avoiding you. But I’ll admit it. For the first time ever, since starting this blog…..I’m scared. Scared because of the weakness that I gave into. Scared because I’m NOT as strong as everyone is always telling me I am. Scared because of the many days that I don’t think I can survive this. Scared because of the reality that I had to wake up to, after truly trying not to survive this because the pain is sometimes just too much. Scared because I came closer to the dark side than I ever have, and it was so easy to do. Just like that. No thought. Only impulse. Consumed by the pain of my reality, that you are never coming back. NEVER. I know I talk about you dying all the time, but do you want to know the truth? I still think in my heart of hearts, that you are going to come home again. That your Daddy is going to one day, walk through that door, carrying you in his arms. That is how delusional I am. This is how deeply I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are never coming back. I cannot accept your death. I cannot accept our pain. I cannot accept our life, without you. I just want you back. I want you back, so badly that I feel like it should so easily be able to happen. This is how my delusional mind works now. Nothing is real, so your death can’t possibly be real, right?

I told Dr. JoRo that so many nights, when I’m out running, all I think about is some van pulling up next to me, grabbing me and pulling me inside of it. Do you know what I see in that van? A bunch of men in white coats and masks. They are holding you and you are alive. They explain to me that you really are not dead. I see your face, your smile, your tears of joy because you are back in my arms, where you belong. These men tell me that this was just an experiment to see how strong a mama’s love, really is. To see how much pain a mama could handle, before she could handle no more and did something really crazy. Like the skydiving I am planning to do on Thanksgiving. I’m just trying to decide if it will be with or without a parachute. If you would have asked me last weekend, I would have said without a parachute. If you ask me tonight, I would say with one, please. Dr. JoRo and I joked about this tonight. The skydiving thing. We laughed as she said I should throw a turkey out of the plane before I jump. Then our dark sense of humor took over as we giggled about the headlines of the news that day. “Runner killed by a flying turkey, on Thanksgiving Day.” And they said turkeys couldn’t fucking fly. Oh, how wrong they were about that.

So, Ro. After the weekend of the dark side…. it was very highly recommended that I go to Sedona on Monday, to see Dr. Jo. I drove up there, happy to do so. I like that time alone in the car, driving to the place that makes me feel a little peaceful. I had a lot of people offer to drive me but I politely said no thank you. I needed to clear my head, before I bared my soul. I was greeted by Dr. Jo, like always except for her hug was a little tighter this time and I had to listen to her apologize for being out-of-town, for work, during my little crises. Nonsense I told her. It wouldn’t have mattered. I knew that we were in for a long session, to figure out what lead up to this. Besides the obvious.

We talked about my week. Shit. I had a lot of shitty shit shit, happen. Too much shit that I wasn’t even aware of, because I had let everything build up and roll off my back. Trying to be the Superwoman, that I so am NOT. I need to remember this, more often. And Halloween. I was not prepared for how hard it was going to be, but I had tried all week to prepare myself for the worst. Our favorite holiday, without you. NO. All of your “friends,” dressing up in their costumes. NO. Thinking about what we would be doing, if you were here, like you should be. What would you have worn? I spent most of the week thinking about not being able to dress you up. I spent most of the week, crying about it. I went to PCH to help Sandra. I ran into a girl there who used to work at the front desk of the clinic. “How’s your baby!?” She said. “My baby?” I replied, puzzled. Do I have a baby?? I couldn’t remember. I said, “You mean Ronan?” She said, “Yes, I haven’t seen you guys in a while.” I must have looked like a deer in headlights. “Oh. He passed away.” I said as the tears formed puddles at my feet. She felt so bad. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was, that she hadn’t heard as she had been out on maternity leave. I told her thank you. I asked how her baby was and did my best to get myself under control. I had to put on my best game face so I could go and try to help my friend. I did an o.k. job. Helping out Sandra, is one of the few things that makes me feel o.k. in life. It reminds me of why it is that I am going to keep fighting this fight when there are so many days that I do not want to anymore. Seeing the way cancer has destroyed Mia’s little body and robbed her of her childhood pisses me off so badly and it is exactly the kick in the ass I need to carry the fuck on. Or so I thought, but it didn’t save me during my weekend of death.

Back to my Dr. JoRo session. It was long. Grueling. We made a plan because I cannot have another weekend like last weekend. My plan does not include any sort of hospitalization. Sorry to all of you out there, who think you know best. You don’t have a fucking clue. I know you mean well, I know you care, but please don’t act like you truly knows what this feels like for me so therefor, you know what is best for me. Because you don’t And I hope to RO, that you never do. I do not need to be in an institution. That is not the answer. What would that solve? My safety? No. A hospital cannot save me. Dr. Jo cannot save me. My husband cannot save me. My living children, cannot save me. Only, I, myself, or the self I have left, can save me. ME. ME. ME. ME. Not you. Not my friends. Ronan? Yes. Of course, Ronan. Can you bring him back to me? That is the only thing that would 100% guarantee that I will be able to survive this life. I know I have to keep going, but sometimes I just want a break from all of this pain, this life, these tears, this heartbreak. I have to find that break, without breaking myself and everyone around me. I am thinking of trying out for a fucking roller derby team. I’m thinking I had my little break over the weekend and it was the wake up call I needed. I think I need to figure a lot of things out, so I can start to put myself back together again. I think I need to start letting my husband back in a little more and stop pushing him away so much. I think I cannot do this alone, like I have tried so hard to do. I think this life is totally fucked but it is my life to live now. I think I’d better start figuring out how to do that, sooner, rather than later.

Dr. JoRo is checking in with me everyday. Your Daddy and I went to her support group last night. Together. It was the first time we have done something like that, the two of us. I tried to tell him he didn’t need to come, that I could do it alone. He insisted. I am so glad he did. I arrived first. I sat down, in my chair and immediately felt myself retreating into my dark, alone place that I often tend to go when put into a new group setting. The room soon filled with other parents, all there for the same reason as me. Because we all belong to the same fucking club. The club I like to call My kid fucking died and I don’t want to be here anymore club. The worst club to be a part of in life. Dr. Jo was leading the group which is the only reason I went. She arrived and things got started. Everyone took turns going around to tell their story. It was almost my turn to talk about you. Your Daddy walked into the room, late and sat down next to me but not before kissing my lips. I just looked at him and buried my head into his chest. I couldn’t talk last night so he talked for me. He told a little piece of our story, to this room full of sad strangers. I hid my face in the side of his neck. Dr. Jo asked if I wanted to say something. I told her No. I couldn’t stop crying. I told her I didn’t want to be there. She said she knew. I stayed though. We stayed. Together. For as bad as it felt, it felt good too. The group lasted 2 hours. It was full of so many different people. Young, old, black, white, Believers and Non Believers…. once again I am reminded that death does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone. Everyone is at risk of losing a child. No matter what choices you make in life. Good or bad. It doesn’t fucking matter. After the group broke up, we talked with Dr. Jo for a bit. I was so glad to introduce your Daddy to her, and vise versa. It was like watching 2 parts of my soul, connect. It was magical. Your Daddy talked to some other parents. I sat with Dr. JoRo and watched him. She looked at me and goes, “He has quite a presence, doesn’t he.” I looked at her and told her I knew. He’s always been that way. I am so fucking lucky to have him. I am so fucking lucky and thankful that he loves me so much, that he is willing to put up with me and all of my craziness. That when push comes to shove, he’s not leaving. Ever. And how I love to push buttons. I think it was Sunday night that your Daddy grabbed me and told me enough was enough. That I needed to stop because no matter what I did or what hurtful things I said, he’s not going to walk out on me, the way that my dad did. That when he married me, it was forever so the self-destruction that I am engaging in, needs to stop because he’s not going anywhere. His words slapped me hard. His words shook me to the core. Sometimes I need to shut the fuck up and just listen to him. I did on Sunday. I need to do it more often. The truth of the matter is, we are in this, together. Forever. He lost you too. He can’t lose me as well. I won’t do that to him. You loved him too much. I love him too much. My grief often blinds me of this. I needed the little wake up call I had over the weekend. It had to happen for me to realize a lot of things that I have been forgetting.

After our support group last night, your Daddy and I had a late dinner out. It was the first time, in so long, that we have went out, just the two of us. We sat at Hillstone, in a cozy booth, and tried to act like the normal couple that we no longer are. The normal couple that I would give anything to be again. The normal couple that we used to be that felt so blessed and thankful and proud of the life we had created which revolved around us and the three of you. We shared the artichoke dip and a burger. We talked quietly but I was soon distracted by the early 40 something couple who was sitting in front of us, making out and feeding each other apple pie. I started stabbing my burger with my very sharp knife, over and over again. “Really people. WTF. Who is THAT happy? At 40? They are either having an affair, or they are having an affair. Nobody is that happy. I think I am going to throw this burger, across the room at their table.” Your daddy looked panicked as he now thinks I am so out of my mind, that I may actually do it. He grabbed my hand. “Stop stabbing your burger. Calm down.” But I didn’t want to calm down. I wanted to really chuck my burger across the table at them. And I wanted to tell them how I used to be that happy, until you died. But I think it is gross to make out in public and that they needed to get a room. And feed each other apple pie, elsewhere so I didn’t have to stab their eyes out with my knife. Your Daddy and I got up and left there, holding hands, as it was the best we could do. We are doing the best we can do, which at this point only seems to be surviving. But surviving together.

I started writing to you last night. I couldn’t finish it. I was so tired that I fell into a deep sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Your Daddy asked for time with me. For me to put the computer away. I snapped at him and instantly felt guilty. I should have explained to him about the anxiety I was feeling, from not writing to you, for a few days. How I want him to understand and respect that although you are not here, I still need my time to take care of you and now, that comes in the form of writing to you. Without this, I don’t know how I would cope at all. How important this is to me, to still nurture the relationship between a mother and a child. My dead child. How guilty I feel, during the times that I don’t write to you and how that guilt builds up because I feel like I am betraying you. Like you will think I have forgotten to tuck you in at night. My writing is my version of tucking you in, bathing you, kissing you, feeding you, holding you, wiping your tears, fixing your ouchies, and loving you. It is so important to me to continue this, for you. And for me. So, I started this last night, but should have listened to your Daddy because the fight I tried to put up, insisting that I needed to write to you, didn’t even pan out because I was that tired. Without the Ambien. You know what I’ve found is a natural remedy for sleep? Tears. Lots of tears. Endless amounts of tears that never stop so that when the night comes now, I am so tired that sleep is just begging for me. Such a far cry from the insomnia that consumed me for a good year.

I woke up today with a fuck ton to do. I woke up late. 8:00. I was so tired I felt like I could have slept for days. I took your brothers to school and got ready for someone to come over to the house from AZ Central to take my picture. Weird. It was actually fine. But something that I’m obviously not used to in my regular mama/cancer mama/bereaved mama life. I threw on a wrap dress that I have had forever. I took the time to blow dry my hair and throw on some red, spicy MAC lipgloss that I love. Because I heart red lips for everything. Red lips make everything better. As soon as the photographer got here, we settled into an easy chit chat. He was super sweet and I told him to make this picture thing as painless as possible. He laughed and said no problem. I also told him I really wanted to wear my purple TuTu and my Fuck You Cancer shirt, but I was thinking that the Arizona Republic would not embrace that. He laughed and said I should have, but I was probably right. Can’t win em’ all but it was the thought that counted, right? He took some pics outside. I tried to smile but I told him how hard that is for me now. He said he was sorry told me that I didn’t have to. So I didn’t. I didn’t feel like faking it today. I didn’t have the energy to force a smile. No big deal, yo. Just another day in the life of being here. Or just being.

After the AZ Republic guy left, I wrote a little, and tried to get a handle on the overflowing mounds of laundry that I have been avoiding. It is all clean, but has just been sitting in our laundry room, piling up to be folded. UGH. I had an interview with Arizona Foothills Magazine at noon so I was trying to chill before that. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had no idea of the major AWESOMENESS that was in store. My friend, Heather, came over for to hang out for the interview. She knows Michael Dee well, and is really good about breaking the ice and bringing about a positive, crazy energy. She also brought me Starbucks which I was in desperate need for as my weekend of death hangover still seems to be looming about. We hung out and soon Michael Dee and his communications director and amazingly talented photographer, Sarah Love, arrived. As soon as I opened the door, I let out a sigh of relief. I felt the love and connection, instantly. Good people. These are really good people who are here to hear our story because they truly care and want to help. I gave them a little tour of our house. I joked with them about the mounds of laundry and asked if they knew how to fold. They laughed and said they would do it in a heartbeat. I didn’t think they meant it. It turns out they did because that is how our amazingly almost 3 hour interview/therapy/crying/laughing/feeling you everywhere, ended. With the 4 of us, folding my laundry. Our house for 3 blissful hours, was filled with an amazing raw and organic energy as I talked about you and this crazy painful adventure that is beginning. Michael asked how I feel about being an inspiration to others. I told him I honestly didn’t think about it because all I see is you, inspiring me. And if that turns into inspiring others, than that is such a beautiful thing. If others are ready to embark on this ride with us, I hope they are prepared to hold on tight. Because it is going to no doubt be bumpy, rough, scary, and at sometimes, it is going to feel like death. But I know the end result is going to be something out of this world. Something so different, special, and strong…. just like you. Something that is unlike anything this world has seen. Because never was there a boy, as beautiful as you, Ro. The beauty of your physical self and soul combined was so powerful and I as your mama, know this. Guess who else is figuring this out? The whole wide world. The whole wide world who wants to be a part of this change. Not only in the world of childhood cancer, but in the bigger scheme of things as well. They all know, because of you, that there is more to life, than just THIS.

Ro baby. I am so tired. I miss you so much. I know I don’t have a choice. I HAVE to do this. Thanks for reminding me of this.

To my Arizona Foothills Family- Michael Dee and Sarah LOVE. I love you. Thank you for loving me. For loving, Ro without even knowing us. Until now. After today, you will forever be a part of our hearts and souls. I cannot wait for our monthly laundry folding therapy sessions. GO BIG OR GO FUCKING HOME! You are now, family forever.

xoxo

Taylor Swift loves Rockstar Ronan! And I don’t love Obnoxious Complainers! So shut up!

 

 

 

 

Ro baby. I am trying to breathe tonight. I am trying to focus on all the yummy goodness that has filled my days. Because of you, and the effect you are having on the world. I actually had a lady come up to me today and tell me that I didn’t only change her life, but I am creating a movement. A movement, Ro. I hugged her. I cried. But what is new….. I’m always crying. Those were powerful words that she said to me, as she looked me in the eyes as I watched her eyes, well up with tears. I told her it was all you. Not me. Never me. Always you.

So, I am trying to let some things off of my chest because there are people who just don’t get this, or who do get it and just choose to ignore this and are not worthy of your story. They just are not. And I have to accept that. I cannot change everybody. I cannot change the person who knows your story, knows who I am but does not care. So, she sits in front of me and bitches about all the stress in her life, like the remodel of the 1 of her several homes. Complains right in front of me Ronan! And I am so pissed at myself tonight. I sat back and pretended like I wasn’t standing right there, as if I was invisible because I know if I let myself get pissed about the all of the asshole people in the world, that I am going to wasting a lot of time and energy on negativity. I have enough Inferno Fuckwad Bob in my life to go around for everyone. Do I really need to add to it? Do I really need to let stupid shit, get under my skin? No. But it does because I am human. And I know what it means to have real things to worry about such as just trying to stay alive. Every day I pray for death because the love of my life, DIED, of Childhood Cancer. I’ve got to come up with a new plan. And it cannot consist of the berserk fantasy moment I had in my head where I ripped this ladies hair out and told her to shut the fuck up because she has all of her babies and that is all that matters. I am going to have to take a less violent approach so I don’t get my ass shipped off to tent city with Sheriff Joe. It will maybe just have to be something like, “Oh, do you know Ronan? (slip her one of your little cards) Oh you do?(because everyone that lives in our very big but very small little city does) I am so glad. He is amazing. You know he died from Childhood Cancer, right? But gosh, I am really sorry that you are so stressed out over your home remodel. I hope it turns out to be beautiful.” Kill em’ with kindness, right Ro? Either that, or just choose to look the other way. Fuck that. I’m not looking the other way anymore. People need to wake up and stop bitching about such nonsense. Your house remodel, is NOT a problem. Your nanny quitting, is NOT a problem. Your nail breaking, is NOT a problem. Kids dying, everyday IS a problem. The dad just diagnosed with Lung Cancer, who is not a smoker, IS a problem.  All of the kids around the world, who don’t have homes or families, IS a problem. Not getting to wipe your babies sweet tears anymore, because he is DEAD, is a FUCKING PROBLEM!!!

Enough with the complaining about make-believe problems. Go visit a Children’s Oncology floor and then see if you can leave there, still bitching about your problems. Actually, do not go and visit this floor. The fact that you sat and complained in front of me today, is your fucking problem, not mine. You are not worthy being surrounded by all the beauty that shines off a kids Oncology floor. You are not worthy of any of the beauty that is going to come from Ronan’s story. Do you know what I heard today, asshole lady? I met the most beautiful family. Little Elizabeth Blair who has Stage IV Non-Hodgkins Lymphoblastic Lymphoma. She was talking about her bald head and how she doesn’t have blond hair, like her mommy anymore. Her mom just looked at her and said, “But where does beauty come from, Elizabeth?” Elizabeth answered right away. She said, “It comes from here,” and pointed at her HEART. Her heart ladies and gentleman. This 5-year-old knows more than most adults. This 5-year-old knows what is truly important in life. This 5-year-old is going to grow up to be an incredible young lady. I am pretty sure she would have anyway, due to the family that she is surrounded by. But now she has that extra sparkle in her eye, that most people do not. A sparkle in her eye, just like you did, Ro. The sparkle that is going to help to change this world. And hopefully make more people, stop complaining about stupid shit and doing something that will actually help to make a difference. Even if it means they just make their kids’ lunches for school and give the nanny/housecleaner, the day off. So be it. It’s a start. Baby steps can be done. They can be done and they can turn into something much bigger.

Maybe it starts with giving the Nanny the day off, paid of course and actually driving your kids to school, yourself. Then guess what? The next thing you know, instead of spending Thanksgiving basking in too many pies and food to eat, you and your entire family, spend a few hours, in a soup kitchen. Pretty soon it starts to set in that, “Oh my god. I am so thankful. I mean really thankful. I am thinking about that family today, who is having to spend their first Thanksgiving, without their Ronan. I have all of my kids. They are healthy. I want to be a good person. Not just a good person, but a REALLY good person. Because I am thankful. And blessed. And because so many people, are not. But deserve to be. So I am going to work really hard, to try to make a difference somehow, in this world.” Or maybe not. Maybe you would just sit around Thanksgiving, obsessing about everything you are going to buy on Black Friday. Obsessing about the Jimmy Choos that are going to go on Sale at Saks. This is probably the case. So in that case; fuck off. But I really hope your contractors are not late, AGAIN! I mean really, they were an hour late and you screamed and yelled at them because that is so much of a real problem? Those paid employees can be so rude sometimes. I don’t know who they think they are. The sense of entitlement of those blue-collar workers, is just beyond me. Shut up lady. Shut up and fuck off.

Oh Ro. Sorry your little post got Hijacked tonight. I just had to get that off of my chest. UGH! I have ONE more thing to say. Hang tight, little man. DEAR PEOPLE WHO STILL HAVE ALL OF THIER CHILDREN- Please STOP. I do not want to hear anymore, “Oh… Ronan is happy. He is in Heaven. God is taking care of him, you don’t need to worry.” I’m warning you NOW. If I have to hear this one more time, it is not going to be pretty. I get that most of you mean well, but you also have all of your kids. You get to watch them play soccer, you get to hang up their art work, you get to kiss them goodnight and tuck them in bed. You get to do all of those amazing things, therefore you do not have the right, to tell me my child is in a better place. Because I can tell you, I can fucking guarantee he is not. He is not here, with me, which is the only place he belongs. So please, keep your he is with GOD and in a better place comments to yourself. It may bring you peace, but it only makes me angry. Pray for me all you want. Bring on the prayers. But stop saying the things above. I’m going to start carrying a weapon with me, like Silly String. The next person that says this to me, is going to be douched in Silly String. You’ve been warned.

On to the amazingness, RO! Moving forward. Breathing. Inhaling the smell from your GiGi that is covering my face. It smells like you. Let’s start with the darling Taylor Swift. That’s a good story to end with. Or how about the “Fan Mail,” that I am getting sent to Katie’s Shop, like the Foster the People signed concert poster. Ummm… Hello lovie who sent me that. So rad. Thank you. Or all of my Ro Baby Maya’s Mafia Fans whom I met today, by chance, who just popped into Katie’s store to buy bracelets. So sweet. I loved meeting a few of you today. The love you have for us is so inspiring. The awaking I am seeing in these beautiful people, Ronan, is very moving and powerful. Just like you.

Crap… sidetracked! I just have too many great things to blab about! Back to T’ Swizzle. Who told her about you? Because I am so very sure, it was one of your little Fairy God Mothers down here. I was contacted by her event manager. “Taylor would like to extend two tickets to her show, plus a meet and greet with her, before hand. Are you available?” Was I available? Why yes, of course. I knew with all the amazingness going on, that I wanted to see if I could work my magic just a little. I have no shame, so I asked for 5 tickets instead. Poof! My wish was granted. Now, I just had to come up with a plan to reward some very special people in a very special way. I told Katie about the email. I knew the two of us, would come up with something very yummy and delicious to do. We thought about having people bid for the tickets, to raise more money for your foundation. We knew the tickets, could have gotten a lot of moolah. But that seemed to be defeating the purpose. We have been watching how hard, our little Rockstars have been working, to raise their 200 dollars to model in the show. Then Katie showed me this FB Wall post written by Elizabeth’s mom, the little girl with Stage IV Cancer.

Oh my SWEETNESS! Holy Willy Wonka! Today was the absolute BEST!!! Today we ran, walked, skipped, piggy backed, wheeled and twirled a 5K to fight Childhood Cancer at Grand Canyon University “Pinkalicious Style!” What does “Pinkalicious Style” look like you ask? Well, let me tell you we had everything from argyle to piggy tails, rainbow to more rainbow and lipstick! You can’t forget the lipstick. And oh my, the most AMAZING, “Beauty comes from within the heart” t-shirts designed by our multi-talented long time very special friend Chris Wahl!! He designed the most perfect shirt for my most perfect little girl. E’s Team consisted of not only the most incredible besties that a girl could ask for but also her past preschool teachers, babysitters, and new friendly faces of the kindest individuals who truly give the meaning to our team shirts. Beauty comes from within the heart. Team Elizabeth showed genuine beauty today. Each and everyone of us crossed that finish line in true pinkalicious style whether it was by wagon or walking, running or riding, age 5 or age 50. Medals were made and miles were gained all in the fight against childhood cancer. And well, Lymphoma, it can kiss our determined pinkalicious butts! Because we rocked it out there today! But, that’s not all. The kids also rocked it in our front yard today. They ROCKED it GOOD! As promised, Elizabeth, Kate and Bryce were fundraising full force with their Super Duper Candy Scoop Shop featuring a Rainbow of candies and Rainbow Manicures. Although, there was no rain, they each had a pocket full of sunshine and were ready to make things happen with a rainbow of colors in Pop Rocks, Gumballs, Lemonheads, cherry rainbow and pink lemonade Swizzle Sticks, gigantic Jaw Breakers, Gummy Bears, rainbow heart cookies, and rainbow manicures. Have I mentioned Elizabeth LOVES rainbow anything? The proceeds of todays fundraising efforts will benefit The Ronan Thompson Foundation. The Ronan Thompson Foundation and The Garage Boutique for Kids are hosting a Rock the Runway Fashion Show Event. My 3 kiddos are all participating. Although they may not all model, they all 3 are certain they want to help raise money to help in the fight against Pediatric Cancer. These kiddos made BIG BIG accomplishments today! I would say a top accomplishment for each of them to date. Their goal for today was to raise $200.00 each for a total of $600.00. Are you ready for this? Are you ready to hear what my kiddos raised in our front yard to fight Pediatric Cancer? $1019.64!! In three hours, these determined children fought for their sister, they fought for their cousin, they fought for their friends, they fought for your family, they fought for our family, they fought for Ronan and all the other children who have won or lost their battles to childhood cancer. They fought hard and they fought proud! My husband and I are so completely impressed with how busy these little bees worked today. But we are not surprised at the results! You, our community, our family of friends are more than generous. We had a complete stranger drive up and give $100.00! Oh my SWEETNESS! We have a toothache tonight from all the sweetness. We are blessed, thankful, and just so happy for all the kindness, love and of course beauty that comes from within all of your hearts. So whoop there it is! $1019.64 going to The Ronan Thompson Foundation. You are beautiful, The Blair’s P.S. Elizabeth went back to school on Wednesday!!

It was a no brainer. We wanted to extend the invitation to The Blair Family, to go with us. I had Katie call them today. She said it there were tears all around. My heart fluttered. I had not met The Blair Family, until today. Until after this phone call was made. About an hour later, they came bouncing into Katie’s shop. I hugged Elizabeth’s mama tight and we both cried a little. I rubbed the top of Elizabeth’s smooth, bald head. It made me miss you so much. Turns out, The Blairs, LOVE Taylor. They already had tickets. They gave their tickets to some friends and Elizabeth’s brother and Daddy get to go as well. We are so exited to take Elizabeth, her mama, and older sister, with us- to meet Taylor and to sit in some really good seats. It is going to be an amazing night. That Taylor, has a heart of gold. Just like so many of the lovelies that seem to be coming out left and right, Ro. They all love you so much. Amazing things are happening, my little man. All because of you.

Ro baby. I wish I could tuck you in but I can’t. So I will cuddle with your blanket instead. I will go to sleep, without my Ambien because the pain is something I need to be in. I cannot mask or cover it up. I will fall asleep with my tears soaking my pillow because it is where I need to be, now. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Treasure each day, because you don’t know how many you’re going to be given

There was a reason we didn’t start chemo this week. It was because we needed to be together this Thanksgiving as a family. It truly was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in my life. Woody and I started off the day by making a big breakfast for the boys’ and Uncle Ron came over to join us. I then headed out for a good 5 mile run. It was fabulous. The sun was shining, people were out and about, and it made me feel so happy. I came home, showered and got the boys’ ready to head over to the Kotalik’s for our Thanksgiving feast. Karen, of course outdid herself. The food was to die for and the company could not have been better. I am so lucky to call them family. We spent a lot of time outside playing football and basketball. Ronan was entertained by Karen’s youngest daughter, Olivia, who is such a doll with Ronan. She adores him and is so good to him. It was sweet to watch. I got to spend some time with Liz, who I call my soul sister. She is almost 21, and is a huge part of my heart. We sat and caught up for a long time. She will be coming to New York as well and is so excited. I am so lucky and blessed to have the Kotaliks… Mimi Kay has the best friends.

We took the time on our drive over today and each said what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful for this moment in time, for my boys and Woody, and our amazing support system.Woody said he was thankful for being together and how proud he is of Liam, Quinn, and Ronan who are growing up to be such amazing boys. Quinn was thankful for our family. Liam was thankful for Christmas to be the next holiday and for each other. Ronan was thankful for Star Wars:) So cute.

Liam and Quinn are in a Fantasy Football league this year and as of now, they are the number one team. If they win, they win 600 dollars. Craziness! Tonight, we were talking about what they would do with the money if they won and Quinn goes, “Maybe we could donate it to Ronan’s Foundation.” I wanted to melt on the floor right then and there. He is so thoughtful and kind. What a big thing for a 7-year-old to think of. It made me so proud of him.

I am thankful for so many things everyday. I still get sad about what we are going through; but we are getting through this one day at a time and counting our blessings. We finding so many little things that make our lives happy. I am trying my hardest to stay positive and I mostly get sad for Ronan, Liam, and Quinn. It’s hard to watch your babies worlds change at such a fast pace. You can’t ignore the pain in their eyes…. but we have a lot of talks about our feelings and I think that helps. I talked to Quinn tonight about what he is scared about. He said he was scared that he was going to get cancer too. I assured him that he will not, and neither will Liam. In the back of my mind, I was thinking, what do I know…. if it can happen to Ronan, it can happen to anyone. He felt better after I promised him he was not going to get it. I know he sits and thinks about these things and it’s my job to fish it out of him so we can talk about it. I feel like I’m doing a good job with that and so is Woody. I can’t do this alone. I thought for a long time that I could and it was easy to try to tackle everything by myself. But I missed my best friend too much. I need Woody and I need us to be a team. We are again; and things have gotten so much easier. I couldn’t ask for a better man to go through this with. Once again, I am beyond blessed.

I’ve been thinking all day about all the beautiful things in our life. The fact that we have 3 boys is a miracle in itself. Those 3 boys, are everything to us. I am thankful that after being with Wood for 11 years that he is still my best friend and the man I love. Some people never know that feeling. I am thankful that Woody still looks at me like the 21 year old girl he met 11 years ago. He still loves and adores me and treats me like I am his princess. I am thankful that we are still each others true loves. I am so thankful for Woody’s parents and I don’t know how we would manage going through this without them. I am thankful for all of my family. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss them. I am thankful for all of my friends. They are the truest and purest souls put on this planet. They would not be in my life if they were not. I know for a fact, that I would not be able to get through this without them. I am thankful for the pure kindness of strangers. I had no idea how beautiful people can really be…. without having agendas. I am thankful for everyday that I get to look into Ronan’s beautiful blue eyes and how he loves to kiss the spot on the back of my neck and I do the same to him. We call it our sugar spot. I love it when he lets me give him “sugar.” The days that he smiles and is happy mean everything to me. His good days make all the bad days go away. I never knew I could love so deeply in my life. I am so full of love for my family that I feel like I could burst.

It is our love that is going to get us through this. This little boy is not going anywhere. When I was running the other night I looked up at the sky and prayed and prayed for Ronan to beat this. He belongs with us forever.

P.S. To my Liz Kotalik. I love you like a sister. I am so proud of you and the amazing woman you have become. Soul sisters forever and ever. My heart belongs to you.

Have I mentioned how much I love music? It feeds my soul. Cheers to The Pretenders tonight. Love you all. Sweet dreams and all the blessings in the world.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothin’ you confess, could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So, if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you

When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You’re feelin’ all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Yeah

Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
No, no, no, no, no
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you

A change of plans

Ronan’s counts are not high enough to start chemo this week. What does this mean?? It means a lot… his surgery date will now have to be changed, as well as our flight out to New York. Trying not to stress too much… everything happens for a reason, right?? We will now get to spend Thanksgiving together as a family at our dear friends’, The Kotaliks. We will go back into the clinic on Monday to have his levels checked again. They have to be up…. we need to get his chemo started as soon as possible. I am going to relax and try to stay calm about this. Things will work out. I am going to take this as a very good sign that we were meant to all be together on Thanksgiving and I am very thankful for that alone.

On a good note, Ronan has gained 2 pounds this week! That is huge for such a little guy:) Mama has been feeding him well!!

Have a beautiful and blessed turkey day!! xoxo

P.S. I heart Tina Fey and this made me laugh.

Happy Friday!

My Grandpa Jack passed away Tuesday night and I don’t even have the tears to cry about it. He was my favorite Grandpa and I always looked forward to seeing him whenever we went back to Washington. I would take the boys every summer to his house and we would sit and talk to him. When we were there last August, I took Liam and Quinn to visit him in his new nursing home and he didn’t even know who I was. That made me very sad, but now that he is gone, I just feel numb. I am in so much pain from what Ronan is going though, that anything else that comes my way, doesn’t hurt at all. I know if it were not what I am going through right now, I would be crying non-stop and on the first flight to sit with my Dad and Aunt Sheri and the rest of the family at his funeral. I don’t have it in me to be there with them, or to leave Ronan. So to all of my family reading this, please know that I wish I could be there and I love each and everyone of you. RIP Grandpa Jack, so happy you get to be with Grandma Bonnie now.

So, last night I saw via Facebook that my little cousin, Shannon, had a modeling gig going on pretty close to my house. She models for a lot of different things, but the event last night was for a company called “Bella Legs.” You can check out the website here: www.bellalegs.com. My cousin, Shannon, has the best legs in the world and is a perfect model for this company. I really wanted to get out and support her so I called up a couple of girlfriends and asked very last minute, if they wanted to go out with me. My two friends, Lindsey and Jocelyn, dropped everything to take me out. You have no idea how much that meant to me. We got to the event and I got to spend some much needed time with Shannon and her Dad, Roy, who I am very close to. It felt so good. Throw in a few Coors Lights, girlfriends, and family…… best night in a very long time. I got to have a nice long talk with Roy, which is always so good for me. He loves me so much and vise versa. We talked about my Grandpa, my Dad, and about Ronan. He knows Ronan is going to be o.k. and kept reassuring me of it. I know this too but it is always nice to be reassured. I ended up meeting the owner of Bella Legs and she couldn’t have been sweeter. I asked her if she ever did charity events and she said absolutely. Cancer, has unfortunately been a part of her life. I gave her my info and she said she would love to put together something for Ronan. I am so excited for this plan to come into action. Two of my favorite things, fashion and Ronan:) After Roy and Shannon left, I got in my girl time with Joss and Linds. Those two make my heart sing and being with them is always a blast. I so needed a night out to relax and little and have some heart to hearts with my friends. It was a night full of fun and beauty.

Ronan is back to being his normal, happy, hyper, self. He has been running around all day and I couldn’t even get him to nap today. I went to Liam and Quinn’s school for their Thanksgiving Day feast. I was so happy to be able to go. It was a little overwhelming… I still don’t do well in big social situations. I found myself taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to focus on my sweet little guys. They were so happy to have me at their school. I don’t get to spend much time there:(

Tomorrow, we go into PCH for a check of Ronan’s kidneys, which is just a precaution. Then we will have his blood levels and ANC counts checked. I can tell his immune system is spiking up just due to the way he looks and is acting. We have to make sure they are high enough to start chemo on Monday though. Here we go again! Trying to mentally prepare for next week in the hospital. I can do this…. if I survived last week, I can survive the week ahead.

Gosh! This post has taken me forever to write! I started it on Wednesday and kept getting sidetracked. Just a combo of being busy and tired. Today, we went to PCH to get Ronan’s labs done. We also had to go over to Nucular Medicine to have a 5 hour GFR test done. It is basically a test that measures Ronan’s kidney function. It is standard protocol when going through chemo. It was a long day though. Ronan’s platelets were very low, so we got a transfusion while we were there. If they don’t come up by Monday, we will have to postpone our chemo week. I think he will end up being o.k. We go to the clinic Monday at 9 a.m. to have his levels checked and if all is well, we will check right into the hospital for our week of chemo. Ronan and I left the house at 7:30 this morning and did not get home until 4. He has been running around all evening, playing with his brothers. His home is his favorite place in the world… I am so happy we get to spend the weekend here.

Happy Friday night to you all. I hope you have a beautiful weekend. xoxo