You. Simple, beautiful you.

Started this Friday, June 10th…. didn’t finish due to crashing out.

Ronan. I made it through today. By the skin of my teeth. We all woke up late and your brothers were excited for their day. Your daddy and I gave them their presents. Quinn got his first skateboard, which he is so excited about. Liam got some video games, some new Nikes, and a new basketball. All your daddy’s doing as I didn’t buy one present this year. It’s usually all me who goes crazy on them. This year, thankfully, your daddy handled everything. After they opened their gifts, I snuck out of the room and went and let myself cry about missing you for a few minutes. After my cry, I pulled it together and we all got ready and headed out to grab some lunch. We went to a BBQ place on the island and I had forgotten that I had been there before, a couple of years ago, with you. The memory was almost too much to handle. After lunch, we headed to the grocery store and picked up food and the birthday cake for your brothers. Your daddy bought a ton of fish, chicken, and veggies to grill for our pool party. After we returned from the store, your daddy prepped all the food for our BBQ by the pool and I took Liam and Quinn down to play with your cousins at the beach. They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening running, swimming, and playing.

We grilled down at the pool with your Mimi, Papa, Larry, Joan, Tiffany, Chris, Brandon, Janette and all the kiddos. It was freezing out tonight but none of the kids seemed to notice. All of the adults were frozen. Your daddy cooked up all the food while I sat over by the hot tub to keep an eye on everyone. At one point, I was missing you so much and I looked out into the ocean. Guess what appeared?? Two dolphins. I watched them for a long time and Tiffany came over and I pointed them out to her. She smiled and said it was a sign. It was indeed. I haven’t seen dolphins here yet except for tonight. Watching them I was filled with peace for a few minutes. It was just what I needed as I had a really hard day just trying to breathe today.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of laughter and love. Thank god for family and friends. We would have never gotten through today without them. Your brothers are going to be sad as your cousins return back to AZ tomorrow. They have so enjoyed being with them. Hopefully, they will find some new playmates to fill their days with the laugher and love that they so need now. It’s hard for me to give them all the playfulness that used to come so easily to me. I am trying my best, but everything is just so hard. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. I somehow manage to do it, but it takes so much effort and energy.

After we finally got all the kids out of the pool, it was after 9 p.m. We all came back up to our place for a little downtime before your cousins went home to get to bed. I was pretty restless and although it was late, I headed out and went for my run around 10 p.m. Our friends were still at our place and as I was getting ready to head out, I heard a piece of the conversation that was going on. Something about a mom. A mom who is so lucky to get to be a mom to all the kids she has. A mom who is lucky to have heathy kids. A mom who has a nice life. But this mom tends to take this for granted. This mom tends to not make the best choices. This mom likes to drop her kids off at school and come home and pass out on the couch after drinking during the day. Something inside me snapped after hearing this story. I looked at everyone in the room, and called this mom a “Stupid bitch,” and said something else that was not very nice. I don’t even know this mom, but at that moment, something took over my actions, my words, and I could not control what came out of my mouth. I ran out of our condo, tears steaming down my face, and I continued to cry for 2 miles of my run. I know what I said was not nice at all, but I don’t care. All I could think about was how lucky this mom was and she doesn’t even know it. I would give my right arm to be able to have you here, to have never have gotten sick. Hearing stories of mom’s who have all of this, but take it for granted, makes me crazy. CRAZY. Physically sick. I was overcome with such anger, jealousy, rage, bitterness, and sadness during my run. You know why?? Because I deserved you. I deserved to have you for the rest of my life. I was a good mom. Not just a good mom. But a really, really, good mom to you. I never took a second for granted. And now, I don’t get to have you anymore and there is nothing more fucked up on this planet than that.

June 11th…….

Ronan. I had to stop that post after that last night because I got myself all worked up. I’m sorry. I miss you so much. I know I tell you this all the time. I know you feel this. I still am waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I don’t even know what the hell is going on anymore. What even happened today? My mind is still in a constant fog. I think we did the usual things. We got up to say goodbye to your cousins and we were all sad to see them go. We came back to our condo, I made breakfast for everyone and cried the entire time that I was cooking. I laid back down for a nap. I got up and ran into town for a bit. I met your brothers and daddy at Mimi and Papa’s place to watch the ASU baseball game. I tried to concentrate on just being there and in the moment. All I could focus on was how different things would have been if you had been there. I pictured you running around, playing with your guys. Nothing would have been calm and quiet while we all tried to watch the game. You would have been the center of attention like you always were. I hated today and not having you with us. After the game, we had Brandon, Janette, and Cameron over again. My friend, Katie and her husband came over as well. Katie gave me a beautiful necklace she had made for me with your picture on it. I bawled when she gave it to me. It is beautiful and was so thoughtful of her to do.

It was around 9:00 p.m. and I hadn’t gone for my run yet. I was obsessing about it and somehow before I knew it, I ended up down at the beach with Katie, Liam, Quinn, and Cameron. I ran a really fast couple of miles and joined everyone else in the ocean for a nighttime swim. Thanks, K for hijacking my run tonight:). We had a blast out in the ocean, with all 3 boys, swimming in the dark. We went to the hot tub and swimming pool after. It was time I really needed to have with Liam and Quinn. I soaked up just being with them, and enjoying them. It was totally worth cutting a few miles out of  my run for.

It’s now 1 a.m. and I’m still restless. I’m hearing my mother hen, Stacy, in my head telling me that I shouldn’t have had that Coke to drink at 10:30 at night, tonight. Yeah, Yeah, Stacy…. I know. My Coca Cola addiction. My pretty much one and only vice. Everyone is asleep now. Everyone except me. I need to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep, but I hate that when I go to sleep all the thoughts that creep in and take over. I try to think about you and all of our happy times. But I mostly just cry and with I didn’t have to wake up in the morning without you. I wish I could stay asleep forever and just dream about you. I’m sad tonight. I am missing you extra much tonight, my beautiful boy. I hope to see you in my dreams. I’m trying, Ronan. I hope you know how I am trying so hard to go on. But I will never be the person that I was before losing you. And I liked that person so much. I don’t even know who I am anymore and I don’t know who I am supposed to be. All of these unknowns, keep me restless, scared, and exhausted. All I wanted in my life was simple. This is far from simple now. Simple will never exist again. Simple was so easy, so pure, so innocent. Simple was the 5 of us. Simple was bliss.

I love you to the moon and back my little monkey. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

Happy Friday!

My Grandpa Jack passed away Tuesday night and I don’t even have the tears to cry about it. He was my favorite Grandpa and I always looked forward to seeing him whenever we went back to Washington. I would take the boys every summer to his house and we would sit and talk to him. When we were there last August, I took Liam and Quinn to visit him in his new nursing home and he didn’t even know who I was. That made me very sad, but now that he is gone, I just feel numb. I am in so much pain from what Ronan is going though, that anything else that comes my way, doesn’t hurt at all. I know if it were not what I am going through right now, I would be crying non-stop and on the first flight to sit with my Dad and Aunt Sheri and the rest of the family at his funeral. I don’t have it in me to be there with them, or to leave Ronan. So to all of my family reading this, please know that I wish I could be there and I love each and everyone of you. RIP Grandpa Jack, so happy you get to be with Grandma Bonnie now.

So, last night I saw via Facebook that my little cousin, Shannon, had a modeling gig going on pretty close to my house. She models for a lot of different things, but the event last night was for a company called “Bella Legs.” You can check out the website here: www.bellalegs.com. My cousin, Shannon, has the best legs in the world and is a perfect model for this company. I really wanted to get out and support her so I called up a couple of girlfriends and asked very last minute, if they wanted to go out with me. My two friends, Lindsey and Jocelyn, dropped everything to take me out. You have no idea how much that meant to me. We got to the event and I got to spend some much needed time with Shannon and her Dad, Roy, who I am very close to. It felt so good. Throw in a few Coors Lights, girlfriends, and family…… best night in a very long time. I got to have a nice long talk with Roy, which is always so good for me. He loves me so much and vise versa. We talked about my Grandpa, my Dad, and about Ronan. He knows Ronan is going to be o.k. and kept reassuring me of it. I know this too but it is always nice to be reassured. I ended up meeting the owner of Bella Legs and she couldn’t have been sweeter. I asked her if she ever did charity events and she said absolutely. Cancer, has unfortunately been a part of her life. I gave her my info and she said she would love to put together something for Ronan. I am so excited for this plan to come into action. Two of my favorite things, fashion and Ronan:) After Roy and Shannon left, I got in my girl time with Joss and Linds. Those two make my heart sing and being with them is always a blast. I so needed a night out to relax and little and have some heart to hearts with my friends. It was a night full of fun and beauty.

Ronan is back to being his normal, happy, hyper, self. He has been running around all day and I couldn’t even get him to nap today. I went to Liam and Quinn’s school for their Thanksgiving Day feast. I was so happy to be able to go. It was a little overwhelming… I still don’t do well in big social situations. I found myself taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to focus on my sweet little guys. They were so happy to have me at their school. I don’t get to spend much time there:(

Tomorrow, we go into PCH for a check of Ronan’s kidneys, which is just a precaution. Then we will have his blood levels and ANC counts checked. I can tell his immune system is spiking up just due to the way he looks and is acting. We have to make sure they are high enough to start chemo on Monday though. Here we go again! Trying to mentally prepare for next week in the hospital. I can do this…. if I survived last week, I can survive the week ahead.

Gosh! This post has taken me forever to write! I started it on Wednesday and kept getting sidetracked. Just a combo of being busy and tired. Today, we went to PCH to get Ronan’s labs done. We also had to go over to Nucular Medicine to have a 5 hour GFR test done. It is basically a test that measures Ronan’s kidney function. It is standard protocol when going through chemo. It was a long day though. Ronan’s platelets were very low, so we got a transfusion while we were there. If they don’t come up by Monday, we will have to postpone our chemo week. I think he will end up being o.k. We go to the clinic Monday at 9 a.m. to have his levels checked and if all is well, we will check right into the hospital for our week of chemo. Ronan and I left the house at 7:30 this morning and did not get home until 4. He has been running around all evening, playing with his brothers. His home is his favorite place in the world… I am so happy we get to spend the weekend here.

Happy Friday night to you all. I hope you have a beautiful weekend. xoxo

Magic Medicine, Day 3 Round 4

Headphones on: check. Music blaring: check. Baby sleeping: check. Tears out of the way for today: check. Today, was overall a good day. Ronan slept in until 9 which is very unusual, but he had a rough night. From about 2-4 he was up and throwing a tantrum. He kept throwing himself on the cold floor, insisting he was hot, and he was mad that he was “hooked up” to all of his medicine. He would not let me touch him, hold him, and kept screaming for me to leave. Finally, he fell back asleep. Mimi and Papa came around 9:30 so I could run home and sleep/shower. The sleep part never happened, but it felt nice to be home for a while. I also got to see Liam and Quinn for about 5 minutes which was a treat. I miss my boys. I came back to PCH and played the rest of the afternoon/evening with Ronan. Trish came by to bring me a coffee and say hello. Ronan was not happy to have her here at first. By the time she left though, he was yelling to her as she walked out the door, “Love you! Thanks for coming! See ya later, alligator!” It was the cutest thing. The “thanks for coming” part melted my heart. The nurses were all cracking up standing outside the door listening to him say his goodbyes. He doesn’t talk much around here, so they got a big kick out of hearing him yell all of those things to Trish. I was going to take Ronan downstairs to meet Mimi as she was dropping off some things to us. I asked the nurse to make sure it was o.k. and I got a big fat NO. Apparently, if you are hooked up to chemo, you have to stay on your floor and I guess they have gotten pretty strict about enforcing those rules. As soon as I told Ronan he couldn’t go downstairs with me, it was meltdown city. We were in the hallway and he started screaming, hitting, and crying. I had about 5 nurses run out to see what the commotion was. This lasted about 20 minutes and finally he calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. His little meltdowns always make me cry. I hate that he does not have the words to express what he is feeling.

New York is right around the corner. I’m anxious to get it out of the way. I am excited to go… I couldn’t think of a better place to spend a month, even if it is under the circumstances we are dealing with. I have the best friends and family who will be flying out to help me out and to give me a break. I cannot wait to meet Dr. Kusher and La Qualia…just to be in the presence of such amazing Doctors makes me feel so thankful that we are fortunate enough to have Ronan in the best hands.

I am hoping that Ronan stays asleep tonight for the rest of the night. We were told today that we will be able to go home tomorrow around 9:00 p.m. Yay for that. We will start Round 5, November 22. I can’t believe how all of this is flying right by. Please keep a special little girl in your prayers tonight. Her name is Mia. A few weeks ago, Auntie Karen and I were walking Ronan around downstairs, and a man chased us down and asked if this was Ronan. He said he recognized him from my blog that he follows. His little girl, Mia, is here now completing another brain surgery. I spoke with her mom on the phone tonight and it sounds like everything went well. She needs lots of prayers and love send her way too. So many kids do. Our roommate, who I will just call, S, went home today. I missed it and I am so sad that I didn’t get to say goodbye. Mimi was here and told me that the dad was anything but nice. After listening to the way the dad was talking to his son (who he hasn’t seen in over a week) Mim went over and told the dad how proud he should be of his little boy, how polite and well-mannered he was. The dad replied with some snarky comment about how he doesn’t seen that side of him. UGH. I would like to punch that guy in the face. That little boy could not have been any sweeter. It makes me sick to think that he dad does not appreciate how amazing of a little guy he has. The poor kid has been here alone the entire time and never once complained about a thing. I am going to keep him in my prayers for the rest of my life. We have a new roommate now. He is 19 and seems really nice. He is quiet which is always a bonus.

My sweet Charisma rocking a Rockstar Ronan bracelet. And seriously, could she be any more gorgeous? Love her. Email us at rockstarronan@gmail.com if you want one. They are 5 bucks. She is wearing the “nice” one which says, “Rockstar Ronan” “Our little hero”…. I also have a “naughty” version which says something not so nice about cancer….”F*cK You Cancer.” I rock the not so nice version. Alright.. seriously going to try my best to get some rest now, while Ronan is resting. Whooohoooo for almost being done with Round 4! Only 2 more rounds of chemo to go!!!! Goodnight to all of you beautiful people out there. Please spread the word about Ronan and childhood cancer in general. Together, we can make a difference!

P.S. 96,874…. as of today… this is the number of blog views I’ve had. AMAZING! I am stunned that so many people are taking the time to read Ronan’s story. Thank you to each and every one of you! xoxo

Truest intentions, purest of hearts

I need to get my shit together today. My house looks like a bomb went off in it, I can’t stop crying, and I think I just picked my nightgown up off the floor and beat the crap out of my bedroom wall with it. Don’t worry. Ronan didn’t see this… he was playing in the other room. He did hold me though, while I cried in his lap. He patted my head and held me. I needed to let some things go today, and I did. Everyday is so different from the next. I never know waking up what the day will consist of, how I will feel, or how Ronan is going to act. The inconsistency in my life makes me nervous and anxious. Today, I have had a pit in my stomach the entire day and I can’t seem to get rid of it. The reality that surrounds us is overwhelming at times. Thank god for good friends who I can call on. My friend, Gay, called me right when I needed her most. My friend, Pamela White (who has been a GODSEND) let me vent and gave me advice…. Little Jack’s mom, Laurie, always puts me at ease. Just hearing her voice and the updates on Jackers helps me get though the days. To people who are walking to the end of the earth and back for us, to the people who refuse to let go of my hand, to the people bringing dinners and helping with Liam and Quinn, to the people who know just how to make me smile…. Please know how thankful I am for you. The fact that you are walking though this with us and supporting us so much, means the world to our family. We are so lucky and thankful for all of you. It speaks volumes about the kind of people you are in the way you choose to live your life and I will FOREVER be thankful, humbled, and amazed<3 You all have changed my life and the way I view the beauty of family, friends, and strangers. You have taught me to question everything and accept nothing but the best for me and my family.

Last night I went out for dinner with 3 of my dearest friends. I was able to let go a little bit and live in the moment surrounded by strength and love. I went to the best restaurant in town, Tarbell’s, with my friends, Niki, Jen, and Lindsey. The place was packed, food was amazing as always, and the service was above and beyond. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I was with the bosses wife;) I sat with my 3 darlings, for 3 hours. We shut the place down and I left there feeling extremely blessed to have spent the evening surrounded by those 3 incredible women. They are more than friends to me; they are my sisters. I would trust them with my life and the life of my children. They are the type of friends who would never let me down or let me fall without picking me back up. I need them more than ever at this time in my life. I get that I am asking a lot from my friends right now…. but my true friends, are the one’s I have to ask nothing of; they just give and do because  they have the inner strength to see me through this. Their intentions are true and pure… there is no bullshit or superficialness. I worship them and if the tables were turned, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. They know this of me… they get the bigger picture of all of this.

Once Liam and Quinn got home I put everything that has been going on inside my head, on hold. I made them a snack, took them for shaved ice, and we went outside and played in the backyard for 2 hours. We took every ball in our house and put it in our big, grassy yard and played soccer and dodgeball. Ronan had a BLAST. He ran, kicked and threw his balls for an hour straight. The strength and power that boy has when it comes to anything physical is insane. He is so coordinated and fast. We took a bunch of glow sticks when it got dark and shaped them into frisbees and threw them up in the air and at each other. It was an evening full of laughing and playing. Woody came home, scarfed down some dinner (thanks Jules) and took Liam and Quinn over to The Village for basketball practice. My poor, tired, husband. He worked so hard today.. and I can tell he is exhausted. But he will never let us down or complain about anything. He came home with a smile on his face and a big kiss for me and off to practice they went. Love that man.

I feel like a kept woman with Ronan. Seriously. The little man decides my every move. I’ve got to get some control back with him. My sweet Sarah, whom Ronan LOVES… came over to peel me off my floor today. Ronan threw a fit about having her here. I can’t win. I need help, want help, ask for help…. but Ronan is so territorial of “his house.” He wants nothing to do with visitors and ends up slamming doors and screaming in his room the entire time someone is here. And Sarah is like family to us. He let her stay for a little bit after I bribed him with a toy and we played Star Wars with him. Sarah took over with the playing and I was able to get a few things done around here. Then we “locked” Sarah in the laundry room (that was the only way he would let her stay) so she could fold my laundry. Sarah the Saint. She has been so helpful to me and I know she would do whatever I needed her to, if Ronan would just relax a little. I have a list a mile long of things I need to get done before we check into the hospital for Round 4 of chemo on Monday. Tomorrow, we go to the clinic and I am hoping to help in Liam and Quinn’s classroom for their Halloween party. That leaves me Friday to get everything done. The weekends are usually pretty busy around here and I don’t want to spend my time getting caught up when I could be spending it with my boys.

So tired tonight… but one last thought….All of his kisses mean that much more. Every smile, laugh, hug, I love you, that come from Ronan, wash away all of the sadness and anger that I feel… for a few moments. It doesn’t last long, but it is oh so sweet.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Dr Seuss (Thanks Dana)

A long week ahead

Our weekend was a great one. Ronan is still refusing to act or look sick which makes this whole thing so much easier on us. I can tell his beautiful eyebrows are starting to go, but his full eyelashes are still hanging on. He looks so beautiful. On Friday we had family game night and just played at home. Ronan was of course thrilled to be spend the night with this big brothers. On Saturday Liam and Quinn had their basketball game. We were brave and let Ronan go. He was in heaven. His BFF Winston came to watch as well. It was their first mini reunion. They were both shy at first and wouldn’t even look at each other. Ronan stayed right on my lap. By the second half of the game, Ronan went to sit by his big brothers on the court and Winston soon followed. They sat by each other, talked, played, and laughed. I had to fight back the tears. It was hard to see but also beautiful to watch. Ronan took off his hat during the game and I could see other parents staring at him… also hard for me to see. I am fully aware of how sad our situation is but being out in public with him, seeing the look in other people’s eyes makes it so much more sad and real. I am so happy we took him out though, I think Woody is starting to realize that it is o.k. as long as we are making sure he washes his hands a lot and we don’t have him around people who are sick. We won’t be going to the grocery store or anything like that with him, but I think it is important for his well-being to get to do some of the same things he used to be able to do.

Saturday night we had Kay, Charlie, and Uncle Ron over to watch the ASU game. The Devils won, so it was a good night here. Liam and Quinn went home with Mimi and Papa because they had to get up early on Sunday to leave for the airport. They left for Colorado for the week for their Fall Break. Ronan was very upset about that, he was crying really hard as they got into the car. We finally got him settled down, but he is still talking about them and saying he wants them to come home. It’s better that they are gone and off doing something fun. Ronan and I have a very long week ahead of us. Last night Auntie Karen and Olivia came over to watch Ronan so Woody and I could go out for a bit. We were both tired but agreed we should take advantage of sneaking out for a bit. We didn’t do much… went for a drive and then stopped at Target. When we came home, Ronan was asleep so we hung out for a while and listened to Wood’s 45 record collection together. It was a very sweet date night. Simple but sweet.

Today, Ronan and I will head over to PCH around 1:00 to get checked in. We will be there for the entire week for Round 3 of his magic medicine. I am trying to have a positive attitude about it as far as staying the entire week in the hospital goes. It sucks that we can’t be at home… I know how much better Ronan does here. I will just have to keep his spirits up by bringing lots of things to read and we will have to go for a lot of walks. I don’t want his little legs to get weak again by sitting in a hospital bed all week.

Woody will be flying out to NYC on Thursday to meet with the doctors at Sloan Kettering. I am excited for him to get out there, talk to the doctors, and then I can be sure that the path we are choosing for Ronan, is the right path to take. New York is my absolute favorite city and I’m trying not to be sad about the reason Woody is going out there. It has always been our favorite place to visit together. Someday we will go back, as a family, and celebrate Ronan being healthy and cancer free.


Yesterday was the Susan G. Koman breast cancer walk in Phoenix. SO MUCH PINK! AMAZING! Pediatric Cancer awareness was last month. Did you see the sea of Yellow anywhere? Take a minute to think about that. Pediatric Cancer is the #1 killer of children of all childhood illnesses combined!