You. Simple, beautiful you.

Started this Friday, June 10th…. didn’t finish due to crashing out.

Ronan. I made it through today. By the skin of my teeth. We all woke up late and your brothers were excited for their day. Your daddy and I gave them their presents. Quinn got his first skateboard, which he is so excited about. Liam got some video games, some new Nikes, and a new basketball. All your daddy’s doing as I didn’t buy one present this year. It’s usually all me who goes crazy on them. This year, thankfully, your daddy handled everything. After they opened their gifts, I snuck out of the room and went and let myself cry about missing you for a few minutes. After my cry, I pulled it together and we all got ready and headed out to grab some lunch. We went to a BBQ place on the island and I had forgotten that I had been there before, a couple of years ago, with you. The memory was almost too much to handle. After lunch, we headed to the grocery store and picked up food and the birthday cake for your brothers. Your daddy bought a ton of fish, chicken, and veggies to grill for our pool party. After we returned from the store, your daddy prepped all the food for our BBQ by the pool and I took Liam and Quinn down to play with your cousins at the beach. They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening running, swimming, and playing.

We grilled down at the pool with your Mimi, Papa, Larry, Joan, Tiffany, Chris, Brandon, Janette and all the kiddos. It was freezing out tonight but none of the kids seemed to notice. All of the adults were frozen. Your daddy cooked up all the food while I sat over by the hot tub to keep an eye on everyone. At one point, I was missing you so much and I looked out into the ocean. Guess what appeared?? Two dolphins. I watched them for a long time and Tiffany came over and I pointed them out to her. She smiled and said it was a sign. It was indeed. I haven’t seen dolphins here yet except for tonight. Watching them I was filled with peace for a few minutes. It was just what I needed as I had a really hard day just trying to breathe today.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of laughter and love. Thank god for family and friends. We would have never gotten through today without them. Your brothers are going to be sad as your cousins return back to AZ tomorrow. They have so enjoyed being with them. Hopefully, they will find some new playmates to fill their days with the laugher and love that they so need now. It’s hard for me to give them all the playfulness that used to come so easily to me. I am trying my best, but everything is just so hard. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. I somehow manage to do it, but it takes so much effort and energy.

After we finally got all the kids out of the pool, it was after 9 p.m. We all came back up to our place for a little downtime before your cousins went home to get to bed. I was pretty restless and although it was late, I headed out and went for my run around 10 p.m. Our friends were still at our place and as I was getting ready to head out, I heard a piece of the conversation that was going on. Something about a mom. A mom who is so lucky to get to be a mom to all the kids she has. A mom who is lucky to have heathy kids. A mom who has a nice life. But this mom tends to take this for granted. This mom tends to not make the best choices. This mom likes to drop her kids off at school and come home and pass out on the couch after drinking during the day. Something inside me snapped after hearing this story. I looked at everyone in the room, and called this mom a “Stupid bitch,” and said something else that was not very nice. I don’t even know this mom, but at that moment, something took over my actions, my words, and I could not control what came out of my mouth. I ran out of our condo, tears steaming down my face, and I continued to cry for 2 miles of my run. I know what I said was not nice at all, but I don’t care. All I could think about was how lucky this mom was and she doesn’t even know it. I would give my right arm to be able to have you here, to have never have gotten sick. Hearing stories of mom’s who have all of this, but take it for granted, makes me crazy. CRAZY. Physically sick. I was overcome with such anger, jealousy, rage, bitterness, and sadness during my run. You know why?? Because I deserved you. I deserved to have you for the rest of my life. I was a good mom. Not just a good mom. But a really, really, good mom to you. I never took a second for granted. And now, I don’t get to have you anymore and there is nothing more fucked up on this planet than that.

June 11th…….

Ronan. I had to stop that post after that last night because I got myself all worked up. I’m sorry. I miss you so much. I know I tell you this all the time. I know you feel this. I still am waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I don’t even know what the hell is going on anymore. What even happened today? My mind is still in a constant fog. I think we did the usual things. We got up to say goodbye to your cousins and we were all sad to see them go. We came back to our condo, I made breakfast for everyone and cried the entire time that I was cooking. I laid back down for a nap. I got up and ran into town for a bit. I met your brothers and daddy at Mimi and Papa’s place to watch the ASU baseball game. I tried to concentrate on just being there and in the moment. All I could focus on was how different things would have been if you had been there. I pictured you running around, playing with your guys. Nothing would have been calm and quiet while we all tried to watch the game. You would have been the center of attention like you always were. I hated today and not having you with us. After the game, we had Brandon, Janette, and Cameron over again. My friend, Katie and her husband came over as well. Katie gave me a beautiful necklace she had made for me with your picture on it. I bawled when she gave it to me. It is beautiful and was so thoughtful of her to do.

It was around 9:00 p.m. and I hadn’t gone for my run yet. I was obsessing about it and somehow before I knew it, I ended up down at the beach with Katie, Liam, Quinn, and Cameron. I ran a really fast couple of miles and joined everyone else in the ocean for a nighttime swim. Thanks, K for hijacking my run tonight:). We had a blast out in the ocean, with all 3 boys, swimming in the dark. We went to the hot tub and swimming pool after. It was time I really needed to have with Liam and Quinn. I soaked up just being with them, and enjoying them. It was totally worth cutting a few miles out of  my run for.

It’s now 1 a.m. and I’m still restless. I’m hearing my mother hen, Stacy, in my head telling me that I shouldn’t have had that Coke to drink at 10:30 at night, tonight. Yeah, Yeah, Stacy…. I know. My Coca Cola addiction. My pretty much one and only vice. Everyone is asleep now. Everyone except me. I need to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep, but I hate that when I go to sleep all the thoughts that creep in and take over. I try to think about you and all of our happy times. But I mostly just cry and with I didn’t have to wake up in the morning without you. I wish I could stay asleep forever and just dream about you. I’m sad tonight. I am missing you extra much tonight, my beautiful boy. I hope to see you in my dreams. I’m trying, Ronan. I hope you know how I am trying so hard to go on. But I will never be the person that I was before losing you. And I liked that person so much. I don’t even know who I am anymore and I don’t know who I am supposed to be. All of these unknowns, keep me restless, scared, and exhausted. All I wanted in my life was simple. This is far from simple now. Simple will never exist again. Simple was so easy, so pure, so innocent. Simple was the 5 of us. Simple was bliss.

I love you to the moon and back my little monkey. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

10 responses to “You. Simple, beautiful you.”

  1. Just sending love and a little peace your way. Glad you said what you said about the unappreciative madre. We know too many of those. Hope one of them reads this.

    Heading your way soon. Will say hello. Hang in there.


  2. I fight off the urge everyday to just drive down there and give you a hug. I worry about you on your nighttime runs and swims. I guess it’s the mom in me. You are right – you are a really really great mom. I have no advice or words of wisdom, just a lot of love that I send to you daily.

  3. Continually keeping you in prayer Maya. My heart hurts with you. Continue to be that great mom you are! I know you’re trying and doing the best you can. I pray time will help ease your pain. Prayers…

  4. Just sending love to your entire family. You made it through another milestone day, and you are still breathing. So proud that you could see and enjoy your two boys. The are so adorable in the photo with their arms wraped around each other. I’m so happy the dolphins come to let you know all is well and to have two for the twins birthday, wow he is amazing.
    Take a try at taking ten long deep breaths when something upsets you, sometimes that will recenter me. You are doing remarkable it has been such a short time. Our thoughts, prayers and love goes out to your entire family. Enjoy the rest of the weekend, the weather is suppose to be fabulous.

  5. Maya, sending you hugs,peace and strength. Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!

  6. […] You. Simple, beautiful you. Started this Friday, June 10th…. didn’t finish due to crashing out. […]

  7. So sorry for your loss…I live in Kelso Washington though, and I can tell you, him being here was something wonderful…and you created it. He had more purpose in his short years then most ppl who live to be 100. You put a face to cancer and touched many people’s lives…hold your head high.

  8. I mean to say him and you together. You both did it with the help of each other and someday you will see him again 🙂

  9. I cannot imagine your pain…please take the time to view this brief (less than 3 min) movie. I hope it provides you some encouragement as you navigate through your horrific loss and relentless mourning…your prolific and uncensored words have made a difference in how I approach each day…Maya you have also made an impact in so many lives through your strength and sorrow to face the imagineable

  10. Went to church today. I’ve been struggling with my faith for sometime now and after reading through your blog my “whys” and desire for “answers” nearly consume me. Nonetheless, today’s message was David, The Making of a Champion. The pastor spoke of using one’s greatest pain in life to benefit others. He said through leadership and hope that one could inspire a nation and impact community and culture. He encouraged to not doubt your purpose or to criticize yourself. He also mentioned his own struggle with an illness that doctors tell him cannot be cured. He said he does not fight for himself because he looks forward to being with God but that he fights for his family and those who love him. I couldn’t help but think of you during the entire service. I think that cancer is YOUR Goliath and that you will conquer it.

    … “You come to me with sword, spear, and javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of Heaven’s Armies–the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. Today the LORD will conquer you, and I will kill you and cut off your head. And then I will give the dead bodies of your men to the birds and wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel! And everyone assembled here will know that the LORD rescues his people, but not with sword and spear. This is the LORD’s battle, and he will give you to us!”
    1 Samuel 17:45-47

    I have to believe that cancer is evil and from Satan and that God despises it (you know, if that whole God/Satan thing really exists, in my heart I think so but I can’t wrap my head around it especially with all of the heart ache in the world and reading about your family’s pain). I also agree with everything DOES NOT HAPPEN for a reason but that you will make cancer your bitch much like David did of Goliath (random in my “about church” post but seemed like appropriate verbiage somehow). And I’ve read your “FUCK GOD” post and at times I’ve wanted to ask that you order two shirts so that I can also wear one for you while hiking up Camelback. I don’t know… I went… that was the message… I thought of you and Ronan.

    On another note, I went to Water & Ice a few days ago and got my Ronan bracelets. I think of him and your family all the time. I hate to say thank you for creating awareness about this awful childhood cancer because of how it happened… but somehow I will help and I am telling others. I wear two bracelets so that when I am out and about and I have the chance to share your story I can also give a bracelet… time to get more.

    I read in a comment about wanting to just make the drive to California to give you a big fat hug… I think if she did that she would have to rent a fleet of vans so that the rest of us could come along. I’m so sorry you ache… I smiled when you mentioned how you soaked up and enjoyed your Liam & Quinn. 🙂

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