I miss you. But I smiled though my tears for you.

 

 

Ronan. Hi baby. Missed you today. I woke up your brothers early. Well, early for us since we have been lazy beach bums sleeping in on most days. 8 a.m. was early for us today. I was tempted to let them sleep in as they looked so cozy and sleepy. They had to be at surf camp at 9 a.m. though, so waking them up was necessary. They so did not want to go. The both of them have been complaining that I signed them up for surf camp since I told them about it a month ago. Too bad, so sad, is what I basically told them. They kept insisting that they were not going to like it. I told them they wouldn’t know until they tried. It’s all week from 9-12. I got their cozy little buns out of bed, dressed and fed, and we headed down to the very cold beach this morning. They put on their little wetsuits and before I knew it they were off and running into the water. Most parents just dropped their kids off. I stayed and watched, took pictures, helped them and even got my sweats soaking wet as I was helping a little girl named Brooke, get out into the ocean. She was sooooo cute that I couldn’t resist. It was the best 3 hours I’ve had in a very long time. I was surprised how much I enjoyed just sitting and watching them and I was so impressed at how easily they picked up on it. Especially Liam. He really took to it and was really far out in the ocean with the instructor. He surfed up until the 3 hours were up. I am so proud of both of your brothers. They ended up loving it and can’t wait to go back tomorrow. I saw you while I was watching them. Those two little dolphins I saw the other day were out really close to Liam. I told Quinn it was you watching over Liam, to make sure he was safe in the ocean. He smiled and agreed with me. Thanks for that today, baby.

After the surf lesson was over, the boys were freezing so I took them over to the hot tub to warm up. Your daddy came down and brought down lunch to BBQ. We spent the next couple hours at the pool and the hot tub. After that, we headed back up to the condo. The boys were wiped out, but Quinn really wanted to rent one of those Surrey bikes that are in front of the Del. He has begged for weeks. Liam had no interest in going, and Woody had to work, so I headed off with Quinn to rent our bike. We rode all over the Island and ended up the school here. Quinn got a big kick out of my crazy driving and jumping the curb with our bike at the school. He was cracking up and I explained to him the importance of doing “boy,” things like that. I told him if you had been there, you would have made us do it over and over. In your honor, we took our Surry bike and jumped the curb 4 more times. We laughed the every time. It made me miss you so much, but it felt good to laugh with Quinn. I could tell the day meant a lot to him and it meant a lot to me as well. When we finished with our bike, we walked over to the Hotel Del to get him some ice cream. After our big day out, Quinn came back here and 20 minutes later, he was passed out cold. He slept for a few hours and woke up starving so I took him to get dinner. Liam, once again did not want to go. He is such a little homebody.

I have not had a day like today in a very long time. One where I almost enjoyed myself. Spending time with your brothers, watching them do something new, is the closest I’ve come to almost feeling happy since you left us. Happy, but I missed you a lot too. I know those two things will go hand and hand for the rest of my life now. I’ll always picture  you with us, in everything we do. I know today, you would have been out on that beach with me, with your boogie board, watching your brothers and mad that you couldn’t be out surfing with them. You were always trying to keep up with them and I was always amazed at how well you did. Your fire and zest for life was something I have never seen in anyone in my life. You took everyday by storm and that is something that I miss doing with you. Together, we were unstoppable. I miss having you everywhere with me so much. If you can’t tell, I have a  new little shadow now and his name is Quinn. He is stuck to me like glue and I am really trying to embrace him as much as possible. I can feel myself reconnecting to your brothers again, but Quinn is working extra hard to be by my side 24/7. Liam is so independent, that he is happy anywhere and has been spending a lot of time with your daddy. They are such similar creatures. I love watching the two of them together.

That is all for tonight my little monkey. I’ve got to try to get some sleep as we have another early day of surf camp tomorrow. I miss you more than words could ever say. I love you to the moon and back, baby. I hope you are safe. I still worry about you so much. I would give anything to be able to kiss those sweet little lips of your.  Sweet dreams, Ro.

You. Simple, beautiful you.

Started this Friday, June 10th…. didn’t finish due to crashing out.

Ronan. I made it through today. By the skin of my teeth. We all woke up late and your brothers were excited for their day. Your daddy and I gave them their presents. Quinn got his first skateboard, which he is so excited about. Liam got some video games, some new Nikes, and a new basketball. All your daddy’s doing as I didn’t buy one present this year. It’s usually all me who goes crazy on them. This year, thankfully, your daddy handled everything. After they opened their gifts, I snuck out of the room and went and let myself cry about missing you for a few minutes. After my cry, I pulled it together and we all got ready and headed out to grab some lunch. We went to a BBQ place on the island and I had forgotten that I had been there before, a couple of years ago, with you. The memory was almost too much to handle. After lunch, we headed to the grocery store and picked up food and the birthday cake for your brothers. Your daddy bought a ton of fish, chicken, and veggies to grill for our pool party. After we returned from the store, your daddy prepped all the food for our BBQ by the pool and I took Liam and Quinn down to play with your cousins at the beach. They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening running, swimming, and playing.

We grilled down at the pool with your Mimi, Papa, Larry, Joan, Tiffany, Chris, Brandon, Janette and all the kiddos. It was freezing out tonight but none of the kids seemed to notice. All of the adults were frozen. Your daddy cooked up all the food while I sat over by the hot tub to keep an eye on everyone. At one point, I was missing you so much and I looked out into the ocean. Guess what appeared?? Two dolphins. I watched them for a long time and Tiffany came over and I pointed them out to her. She smiled and said it was a sign. It was indeed. I haven’t seen dolphins here yet except for tonight. Watching them I was filled with peace for a few minutes. It was just what I needed as I had a really hard day just trying to breathe today.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of laughter and love. Thank god for family and friends. We would have never gotten through today without them. Your brothers are going to be sad as your cousins return back to AZ tomorrow. They have so enjoyed being with them. Hopefully, they will find some new playmates to fill their days with the laugher and love that they so need now. It’s hard for me to give them all the playfulness that used to come so easily to me. I am trying my best, but everything is just so hard. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. I somehow manage to do it, but it takes so much effort and energy.

After we finally got all the kids out of the pool, it was after 9 p.m. We all came back up to our place for a little downtime before your cousins went home to get to bed. I was pretty restless and although it was late, I headed out and went for my run around 10 p.m. Our friends were still at our place and as I was getting ready to head out, I heard a piece of the conversation that was going on. Something about a mom. A mom who is so lucky to get to be a mom to all the kids she has. A mom who is lucky to have heathy kids. A mom who has a nice life. But this mom tends to take this for granted. This mom tends to not make the best choices. This mom likes to drop her kids off at school and come home and pass out on the couch after drinking during the day. Something inside me snapped after hearing this story. I looked at everyone in the room, and called this mom a “Stupid bitch,” and said something else that was not very nice. I don’t even know this mom, but at that moment, something took over my actions, my words, and I could not control what came out of my mouth. I ran out of our condo, tears steaming down my face, and I continued to cry for 2 miles of my run. I know what I said was not nice at all, but I don’t care. All I could think about was how lucky this mom was and she doesn’t even know it. I would give my right arm to be able to have you here, to have never have gotten sick. Hearing stories of mom’s who have all of this, but take it for granted, makes me crazy. CRAZY. Physically sick. I was overcome with such anger, jealousy, rage, bitterness, and sadness during my run. You know why?? Because I deserved you. I deserved to have you for the rest of my life. I was a good mom. Not just a good mom. But a really, really, good mom to you. I never took a second for granted. And now, I don’t get to have you anymore and there is nothing more fucked up on this planet than that.

June 11th…….

Ronan. I had to stop that post after that last night because I got myself all worked up. I’m sorry. I miss you so much. I know I tell you this all the time. I know you feel this. I still am waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I don’t even know what the hell is going on anymore. What even happened today? My mind is still in a constant fog. I think we did the usual things. We got up to say goodbye to your cousins and we were all sad to see them go. We came back to our condo, I made breakfast for everyone and cried the entire time that I was cooking. I laid back down for a nap. I got up and ran into town for a bit. I met your brothers and daddy at Mimi and Papa’s place to watch the ASU baseball game. I tried to concentrate on just being there and in the moment. All I could focus on was how different things would have been if you had been there. I pictured you running around, playing with your guys. Nothing would have been calm and quiet while we all tried to watch the game. You would have been the center of attention like you always were. I hated today and not having you with us. After the game, we had Brandon, Janette, and Cameron over again. My friend, Katie and her husband came over as well. Katie gave me a beautiful necklace she had made for me with your picture on it. I bawled when she gave it to me. It is beautiful and was so thoughtful of her to do.

It was around 9:00 p.m. and I hadn’t gone for my run yet. I was obsessing about it and somehow before I knew it, I ended up down at the beach with Katie, Liam, Quinn, and Cameron. I ran a really fast couple of miles and joined everyone else in the ocean for a nighttime swim. Thanks, K for hijacking my run tonight:). We had a blast out in the ocean, with all 3 boys, swimming in the dark. We went to the hot tub and swimming pool after. It was time I really needed to have with Liam and Quinn. I soaked up just being with them, and enjoying them. It was totally worth cutting a few miles out of  my run for.

It’s now 1 a.m. and I’m still restless. I’m hearing my mother hen, Stacy, in my head telling me that I shouldn’t have had that Coke to drink at 10:30 at night, tonight. Yeah, Yeah, Stacy…. I know. My Coca Cola addiction. My pretty much one and only vice. Everyone is asleep now. Everyone except me. I need to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep, but I hate that when I go to sleep all the thoughts that creep in and take over. I try to think about you and all of our happy times. But I mostly just cry and with I didn’t have to wake up in the morning without you. I wish I could stay asleep forever and just dream about you. I’m sad tonight. I am missing you extra much tonight, my beautiful boy. I hope to see you in my dreams. I’m trying, Ronan. I hope you know how I am trying so hard to go on. But I will never be the person that I was before losing you. And I liked that person so much. I don’t even know who I am anymore and I don’t know who I am supposed to be. All of these unknowns, keep me restless, scared, and exhausted. All I wanted in my life was simple. This is far from simple now. Simple will never exist again. Simple was so easy, so pure, so innocent. Simple was the 5 of us. Simple was bliss.

I love you to the moon and back my little monkey. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.