Ring Ring! It’s The Katie Couric Show!

Ronan. Hi. I miss you like crazy. Do you know what I was thinking about today? That I think I think about you, 24 hours a day. I think about you with every single thing that I do. Whether it be watching your brothers, seeing the pain behind your daddy’s eyes, brushing my teeth, driving my car, doing the laundry, working non-stop on your foundation. You are never gone from my thoughts. You never will be. You are the reason so many things are happening. You are the reason I have not given up. You are the reason I have not just buried this all deep down inside of me, never to be talked about again. Your daddy said that to me tonight. That some people think we should just bury this all deep down inside because it is too sad to continue living this life where all we do is miss you so badly. That we should just move on. I just looked at him and said, “Yeah, bury Ronan deep down and not ever talk about him or this again. That’s exactly why this fucking bullshit never changes and that is exactly why kids are still dying. That is fucking bullshit.” I will never bury you, Ronan. I will never bury you which is a big reason why I didn’t put you in the ground. I could not stand the thought of having your “body,” anywhere but with us. I know better than anyone, how sad and hard all of this is. How sad and hard it looks to the outside world. But I think it would be even more sad if after you died, I just decided to walk away and forget about everything that we you had been through. You deserve better than that. These kids deserve better than that. You are too beautiful of a soul to ever be forgotten. You are going to be the reason that things start to change. I always knew you were going to be the poster child for something, because you were that beautiful. In my naïve mind, I just always thought you would be a model for GAP Kids or something. Not because you were murdered by cancer.

I got a phone call yesterday. Another one of those phone calls that just happens and no matter what the news is, I always feel myself remain so calm. I know I am calm by nature, but you’d think I’d start flipping out a little bit by now. Maybe it’s also just my intuition. That I know the most amazing things are just going to happen and I have seriously felt like this one, was going to end up happening for a while. Let me back up a little bit, to one of my “one of those signs,” stories. Last year, remember when I jumped ship and just out of the blue said to your daddy, “I need to leave. I need to go to New York for a while. By myself.” He went back and forth with me a bit, but was totally supportive. I went to New York. The city the makes me feel the strongest. The city that makes me feel closest to you. The city that brought me back to life. I had the most amazing time by myself. I spent it walking the streets. Running Central Park during crazy midnight hours. Visiting shops. Eating at our Fo Yo place. Reading. Spending time with our Fairy RoMo. I found a bit of myself again in that city. Your daddy came out for the last few days. It was around 4:00 p.m. and we were walking the streets close to where we were staying. The most adorable lady came walking past us, looked us both dead in the eye and gave us the warmest smile. I mean so warm, that it could have melted butter. I looked at your daddy. I said, “That was Katie Couric!” He said, “It totally was.” I turned around. “I’m going to give her one of Ronan’s bracelets! She needs to know about him!” I started walking the direction Katie was headed, just in time to see her go into a small shoe store. I hesitated. O.k. Wasn’t meant to be. I thought to myself, “There is NO way, I am going to chase that lady into a shoe store.” So, I didn’t. I just let her dazzling smile and kind eyes, be enough. That was such a profound moment for me and always stuck out in my head. Fast forward to Tuesday. I got a phone call. I called the number back. I got Katie’s assistant who told me that Katie had heard about our story, and would love to have me on her show. I, of course said I would be honored. I cannot think of a better person, that I would like to sit down and talk to. I am so honored. So beyond honored. Remember how I said I wouldn’t stop screaming about you, until people started listening Ronan? I promised you that. I think people are starting to listen, now. I think this world of childhood cancer, is finally going to start getting the attention it so very badly deserves. I think a girl named Taylor is a big reason of why this is all happening. All because of her huge heart and her old soul. She is pure magic and I will forever be so thankful for the most beautiful gift from the most beautiful girl.

Today, I worked on some details for the show. I’ll tell you more about it, when I find out some more things. Today, I took your brothers on a play date as they didn’t have school. It was a district holiday, but really it was for Yom Kippur. But you know in public schools, you can’t say that. Because that makes perfect sense. NOT. Kinda goes along with the same way they cannot call Halloween, Halloween anymore. So ridiculously stupid. So today, it being a “district holiday,” we had a play date with my good friend, Melissa and her kids. My good friend, Melissa that has stood by me through all of this and never went anywhere. My good friend that never judged me, hurt me, left me, or pushed me. She loves you so much. I remember how much you used to love the sound her phone made. That little chirping noise when she got a voicemail or something. I remember how many times she sat at the clinic with us and helped out with you. You want to know the thing I love most about Melissa? That through all the good things that are happening, she never forgets the you part in all of this. Through all of her smiles with everything good that is coming our way, I still see her sadness over the fact that you are gone. She doesn’t hide the and she ALWAYS talks about it. What you see is what you get. I love that so much. She is so genuine and so true. I am so lucky to have found her at one of the worst time of my life, right when you were diagnosed. I am so thankful she is still here.

We played today and on our way home I said to your brothers, “Oh god. I’m going to puke.” Your brothers started to scramble. “Here Mom! Here’s a Trader Joe’s bag!” They passed it to me in the front seat, just in time. It’s only looking back now, that I am laughing at myself. I could have at least pulled over, but no… not me. I puked my guts out in that Trader Joe’s bag, while continuing to drive us down our quiet road close to our house. I’m such a muli-tasker. The rest of the night has consisted of me, throwing up. I thought I was getting past this point of grossness, but today, I feel sicker than ever. Fun times, I tell ya. This better clear up, before Katie. I would not like to puke in a bag on national television. Come on, Poppy. Work with me a little.

Alright little man. I’m going to rest my weary head. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

P.S. Ronan. Tomorrow is Fernanda’s Birthday. You know what to do. Make sure she has the most special day. Make sure she feels you everywhere. Happy Birthday to my most special friend. I love you.

Meet Your Host For The Gold Party. I am Honored to Call Her, My Dear Friend. She is a GEM!

 

 

 

 

http://www.arizonafoothillsmagazine.com/features/features/4537-q-a-a-with-charisma-carpenter-for-the-gold-party.html

The Gold Party is this Saturday Night!

It’s going to be amazeballs! Buy your tickets now or you can also purchase at the door! I hope to see you all on Saturday!

http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/node/258

Quinn Does Not Have Brain Cancer and I Am Not Dying

Ronan. Quinn does not have brain cancer. Thank you for that. He just suffers from migraines, like your daddy. Brain cancer worries to rest. For now. It was a busy weekend. I spent most of it, hanging out with your brothers. They had a basketball game on Saturday. I felt so proud, watching them. Basketball has become therapeutic to them. Your daddy spends so much time, practicing with them. It’s showing on the court for sure. They are strong, fast, and aggressive. You heard me right. Aggressive. This coming from the two most gentle giants, to walk this earth. As their mama, watching this fire that burns within them on the basketball court, makes me so proud. I know it comes from you. I love watching them play. I hate how my eyes wander over to the other side of the court to where the 5 and 6 year olds are playing. I always picture you out there. You would have been the best player, rocking your Nike headband for sure. I told them after their game, how proud I was. I told them how much you would have loved watching them play and how you would have been yelling and screaming for them. The not having your little squeaky screams around, will always destroy me. Always.

I was tired Saturday, after being out for most of the day. I had a date night with Liam and your daddy took Quinn to the ASU football game. Liam and I cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. It’s still hard for me to sit still and just watch a movie. I did it for Liam. I made him a pizza and popcorn. I may have burnt the pizza, but he didn’t mind. He was just happy to have me cook it for him. On Sunday, we had a nice little treat. Our friends, Robyn and Kyle, flew in for the night. Kyle asked Robyn, if she could go anywhere for one night, where would she want to go? She said to see me. I was over the moon about the two of them, coming to visit. They got in Sunday afternoon and we spent the day just hanging out and lying low. Your daddy and Kyle did a lot of guitar playing and singing. Robyn and I did a lot of trying to find me something to wear for The Gold Party (I still having nothing to wear because I refuse to spend an insane amount of money on a dress!) and talking about you and Ezra. I hate that she gets this in what seems to be the exact same way that I get this; but I love this too. I don’t feel so alone when I am around her. I swear to you, she knows my pain almost exactly. She loved Ezra, that much. She knows her perfect life will never exist again, because her perfect life was when Ezra was here. I know that, too. We feel a lot of the same dark things that I don’t really want to share on here. I can go to the darkest of the dark places with Robyn and not be scared that I am being judged or criticized. She is one of the few people I can do this with and it’s all because cancer killed her fucking kid, too. Fuckwad asshole that cancer is.

I took her on a night hike with Kassie and your brothers. I huffed and puffed all the way up the fucking mountain. Robyn laughed at me and the way I had to have my hands on the side of my hips, so I could keep my balance. It is a lot of work carrying a Poppy in my belly. My inner insane workout goddess is not happy, but what’s a girl to do? I can’t do much, so I continued to huff and puff up to the top of the mountain until we arrived at our church. It was dark, quiet and peaceful. We did our little list of the things we were grateful for. Robyn said lists like that were hard for her. They are always hard for me. I made your brothers do one, too. I told them we couldn’t leave the mountain until it was done. They said some cute things. Things 9 year olds should say. Quinn’s last one was he was grateful for his health. That got to me, in a good way and a sad way. I was proud of him for saying his health but it also made me fucking pissed at the world that I know he only knows this, due to you dying. We got down the mountain, in the dark. I didn’t fall. Yay, me. Poppy wouldn’t have been to pleased about that one. We came home and your daddy and Kyle had cooked us all dinner. We gathered around like the unconventional family we are, but nothing has ever felt so much like family since you’ve been gone. Kyle had your brothers in stitches. Kassie just looked like an angel. Robyn just feels like home. Your daddy makes everything safe. Liam and Quinn, remind me of you. Our kitchen table was filled with laugher, pain, sadness, and beauty… all in a very safe, yet dark world that we exist in. I have decided I don’t really feel like I live anymore, Ronan. I exist if anything. I can get by, existing and working the rest of my life to exist in a really, really, really good way. By helping others and opening my heart to these beautiful people, that I am so lucky to know. So lucky for being so unlucky. Talk about ironic.

Robyn and Kyle left today. I was sad to see them go but so glad that they came. My phone rang from my OBGY’s office. I didn’t pick up, on purpose. I had blood work done there last week. I knew they were calling to tell me I had some deadly disease or that Poppy is dying. I listened to the voicemail and called back. My heart was racing. I waited to talk to someone. I was preparing myself, for the worst like I always do with every situation now. I had the talk in my head with Liam and Quinn about how I was dying or how Poppy could not be born. This is automatically where my mind goes and I’m not proud of it but it is not anything I can control. I think I was about ready to hyperventilate on the phone when the lady came on to tell me everything came back fine, except my thyroid looked off. “What do you mean, I’m not dying and Poppy’s not dying!” I wanted to scream. Surely something bigger had to be wrong? Surely the other shoe was going to drop, right?? Not today, Ronan. Not today. Not even today when my very special friend had her very hard surgery. One she thought she might die from. I told her I had talked to you, and she would not be dying. I was right. Everything went great. Thank you for that. You know I could not survive, without her.

I’m going to go now. I’m tired, but what’s new. Seems to be a theme around here. This Poppy pregnancy is for the birds. But I will try to be grateful for this gift that is growing inside of me. I am grateful, Ronan. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful, but it is a lot harder than I had anticipated. I wasn’t mentally prepared for all the grief that was going to consume me, too. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xxoo

Join the Fight against Pediatric Cancer! Watch this video and Dell will donate $1 to Pediatric Cancer Research

Please watch and spread the word. Dell is doing great things. You don’t have to spend any money, just by watching this video, Dell will donate a dollar every time it is watched. Thank you all so much.

 

Side note*** I just had someone comment that they heard this video was a scam. I can promise you, it is not. I am very careful about the things I support. Dr. Giselle Sholler emailed me herself and asked me to share this video, which is why I posted it. She is very involved with Dell and would know if this were a scam. I promise I do my research on the things I post. I promise I trust her. This is legit. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. There are a lot of things out there, that are just not worth our time. This is not one of them.

http://www.causes.com/causes/789392-powering-the-possible/actions/1672930

Amazing Auction Items for The Gold Party!

LIke this! How stunning is this dress worn by my Charisma?!!

http://www.ebay.com/itm/-/280973819100?item=280973819100&ViewItem=&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123

I hope to see you all on Saturday. Lots of people have asked about the attire. I want you to come, however you want, just incorporate some GOLD into whatever you are wearing. See you soon, lovies!!!

xxoo

Your other song for the night. And it really is your song. I still can’t listen to it, without bawling. She is so beautiful. I love you both to the moon and back.

 

 

http://youtu.be/CS7JrI-JPOc

Our song for the night, Ro baby. It is so us.

I am a HUGE P!nk fan. HUGE. So of course, I bought her new album today. I was putting on my make-up when this song came on. It literally brought me to my knees and before I knew it, I was sobbing on the floor and my make-up was ruined. Listen to the lyrics. I felt like she wrote this, for me. Everything about the song, reminded me of you, Ronan and how hard it is to live this life, without you. Am I crazy? I don’t think so. I think P!nk might have some Ronan/Mama ESP going on. “Little feet, tired of being a fighter, baby blues, parallel universe, beam me up.” Ummm… this is my life.

Everyone should buy her album. It is amazeballs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo

There’s a whole n’other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There’s a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Seriously, Taylor Swift. I could not love you more.

 

 

Your daddy said it best tonight, Ronan after watching this. You would be so proud. You were always so proud. I am so proud of you and everything you stand for. I promise to try my hardest to do such good things in this world. Thank you, Taylor, for seeing the beauty in my child and falling in love with him so much so, that you wrote him a song. You are simply amazing. I know he is so proud of you and your heart.

http://youtu.be/gXYVulAXbKI

Also, did you know we have a Foundation website, all you new readers? You should check it out. I’m super proud of it and the people on my board who are working so hard 24/7.

 

 

http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/