Month: September 2012

Ring Ring! It’s The Katie Couric Show!

Ronan. Hi. I miss you like crazy. Do you know what I was thinking about today? That I think I think about you, 24 hours a day. I think about you with every single thing that I do. Whether it be watching your brothers, seeing the pain behind your daddy’s eyes, brushing my teeth, driving my car, doing the laundry, working non-stop on your foundation. You are never gone from my thoughts. You never will be. You are the reason so many things are happening. You are the reason I have not given up. You are the reason I have not just buried this all deep down inside of me, never to be talked about again. Your daddy said that to me tonight. That some people think we should just bury this all deep down inside because it is too sad to continue living this life where all we do is miss you so badly. That we should just move on. I just looked at him and said, “Yeah, bury Ronan deep down and not ever talk about him or this again. That’s exactly why this fucking bullshit never changes and that is exactly why kids are still dying. That is fucking bullshit.” I will never bury you, Ronan. I will never bury you which is a big reason why I didn’t put you in the ground. I could not stand the thought of having your “body,” anywhere but with us. I know better than anyone, how sad and hard all of this is. How sad and hard it looks to the outside world. But I think it would be even more sad if after you died, I just decided to walk away and forget about everything that we you had been through. You deserve better than that. These kids deserve better than that. You are too beautiful of a soul to ever be forgotten. You are going to be the reason that things start to change. I always knew you were going to be the poster child for something, because you were that beautiful. In my naïve mind, I just always thought you would be a model for GAP Kids or something. Not because you were murdered by cancer.

I got a phone call yesterday. Another one of those phone calls that just happens and no matter what the news is, I always feel myself remain so calm. I know I am calm by nature, but you’d think I’d start flipping out a little bit by now. Maybe it’s also just my intuition. That I know the most amazing things are just going to happen and I have seriously felt like this one, was going to end up happening for a while. Let me back up a little bit, to one of my “one of those signs,” stories. Last year, remember when I jumped ship and just out of the blue said to your daddy, “I need to leave. I need to go to New York for a while. By myself.” He went back and forth with me a bit, but was totally supportive. I went to New York. The city the makes me feel the strongest. The city that makes me feel closest to you. The city that brought me back to life. I had the most amazing time by myself. I spent it walking the streets. Running Central Park during crazy midnight hours. Visiting shops. Eating at our Fo Yo place. Reading. Spending time with our Fairy RoMo. I found a bit of myself again in that city. Your daddy came out for the last few days. It was around 4:00 p.m. and we were walking the streets close to where we were staying. The most adorable lady came walking past us, looked us both dead in the eye and gave us the warmest smile. I mean so warm, that it could have melted butter. I looked at your daddy. I said, “That was Katie Couric!” He said, “It totally was.” I turned around. “I’m going to give her one of Ronan’s bracelets! She needs to know about him!” I started walking the direction Katie was headed, just in time to see her go into a small shoe store. I hesitated. O.k. Wasn’t meant to be. I thought to myself, “There is NO way, I am going to chase that lady into a shoe store.” So, I didn’t. I just let her dazzling smile and kind eyes, be enough. That was such a profound moment for me and always stuck out in my head. Fast forward to Tuesday. I got a phone call. I called the number back. I got Katie’s assistant who told me that Katie had heard about our story, and would love to have me on her show. I, of course said I would be honored. I cannot think of a better person, that I would like to sit down and talk to. I am so honored. So beyond honored. Remember how I said I wouldn’t stop screaming about you, until people started listening Ronan? I promised you that. I think people are starting to listen, now. I think this world of childhood cancer, is finally going to start getting the attention it so very badly deserves. I think a girl named Taylor is a big reason of why this is all happening. All because of her huge heart and her old soul. She is pure magic and I will forever be so thankful for the most beautiful gift from the most beautiful girl.

Today, I worked on some details for the show. I’ll tell you more about it, when I find out some more things. Today, I took your brothers on a play date as they didn’t have school. It was a district holiday, but really it was for Yom Kippur. But you know in public schools, you can’t say that. Because that makes perfect sense. NOT. Kinda goes along with the same way they cannot call Halloween, Halloween anymore. So ridiculously stupid. So today, it being a “district holiday,” we had a play date with my good friend, Melissa and her kids. My good friend, Melissa that has stood by me through all of this and never went anywhere. My good friend that never judged me, hurt me, left me, or pushed me. She loves you so much. I remember how much you used to love the sound her phone made. That little chirping noise when she got a voicemail or something. I remember how many times she sat at the clinic with us and helped out with you. You want to know the thing I love most about Melissa? That through all the good things that are happening, she never forgets the you part in all of this. Through all of her smiles with everything good that is coming our way, I still see her sadness over the fact that you are gone. She doesn’t hide the and she ALWAYS talks about it. What you see is what you get. I love that so much. She is so genuine and so true. I am so lucky to have found her at one of the worst time of my life, right when you were diagnosed. I am so thankful she is still here.

We played today and on our way home I said to your brothers, “Oh god. I’m going to puke.” Your brothers started to scramble. “Here Mom! Here’s a Trader Joe’s bag!” They passed it to me in the front seat, just in time. It’s only looking back now, that I am laughing at myself. I could have at least pulled over, but no… not me. I puked my guts out in that Trader Joe’s bag, while continuing to drive us down our quiet road close to our house. I’m such a muli-tasker. The rest of the night has consisted of me, throwing up. I thought I was getting past this point of grossness, but today, I feel sicker than ever. Fun times, I tell ya. This better clear up, before Katie. I would not like to puke in a bag on national television. Come on, Poppy. Work with me a little.

Alright little man. I’m going to rest my weary head. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

P.S. Ronan. Tomorrow is Fernanda’s Birthday. You know what to do. Make sure she has the most special day. Make sure she feels you everywhere. Happy Birthday to my most special friend. I love you.

Meet Your Host For The Gold Party. I am Honored to Call Her, My Dear Friend. She is a GEM!

 

 

 

 

http://www.arizonafoothillsmagazine.com/features/features/4537-q-a-a-with-charisma-carpenter-for-the-gold-party.html

The Gold Party is this Saturday Night!

It’s going to be amazeballs! Buy your tickets now or you can also purchase at the door! I hope to see you all on Saturday!

http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/node/258

Quinn Does Not Have Brain Cancer and I Am Not Dying

Ronan. Quinn does not have brain cancer. Thank you for that. He just suffers from migraines, like your daddy. Brain cancer worries to rest. For now. It was a busy weekend. I spent most of it, hanging out with your brothers. They had a basketball game on Saturday. I felt so proud, watching them. Basketball has become therapeutic to them. Your daddy spends so much time, practicing with them. It’s showing on the court for sure. They are strong, fast, and aggressive. You heard me right. Aggressive. This coming from the two most gentle giants, to walk this earth. As their mama, watching this fire that burns within them on the basketball court, makes me so proud. I know it comes from you. I love watching them play. I hate how my eyes wander over to the other side of the court to where the 5 and 6 year olds are playing. I always picture you out there. You would have been the best player, rocking your Nike headband for sure. I told them after their game, how proud I was. I told them how much you would have loved watching them play and how you would have been yelling and screaming for them. The not having your little squeaky screams around, will always destroy me. Always.

I was tired Saturday, after being out for most of the day. I had a date night with Liam and your daddy took Quinn to the ASU football game. Liam and I cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. It’s still hard for me to sit still and just watch a movie. I did it for Liam. I made him a pizza and popcorn. I may have burnt the pizza, but he didn’t mind. He was just happy to have me cook it for him. On Sunday, we had a nice little treat. Our friends, Robyn and Kyle, flew in for the night. Kyle asked Robyn, if she could go anywhere for one night, where would she want to go? She said to see me. I was over the moon about the two of them, coming to visit. They got in Sunday afternoon and we spent the day just hanging out and lying low. Your daddy and Kyle did a lot of guitar playing and singing. Robyn and I did a lot of trying to find me something to wear for The Gold Party (I still having nothing to wear because I refuse to spend an insane amount of money on a dress!) and talking about you and Ezra. I hate that she gets this in what seems to be the exact same way that I get this; but I love this too. I don’t feel so alone when I am around her. I swear to you, she knows my pain almost exactly. She loved Ezra, that much. She knows her perfect life will never exist again, because her perfect life was when Ezra was here. I know that, too. We feel a lot of the same dark things that I don’t really want to share on here. I can go to the darkest of the dark places with Robyn and not be scared that I am being judged or criticized. She is one of the few people I can do this with and it’s all because cancer killed her fucking kid, too. Fuckwad asshole that cancer is.

I took her on a night hike with Kassie and your brothers. I huffed and puffed all the way up the fucking mountain. Robyn laughed at me and the way I had to have my hands on the side of my hips, so I could keep my balance. It is a lot of work carrying a Poppy in my belly. My inner insane workout goddess is not happy, but what’s a girl to do? I can’t do much, so I continued to huff and puff up to the top of the mountain until we arrived at our church. It was dark, quiet and peaceful. We did our little list of the things we were grateful for. Robyn said lists like that were hard for her. They are always hard for me. I made your brothers do one, too. I told them we couldn’t leave the mountain until it was done. They said some cute things. Things 9 year olds should say. Quinn’s last one was he was grateful for his health. That got to me, in a good way and a sad way. I was proud of him for saying his health but it also made me fucking pissed at the world that I know he only knows this, due to you dying. We got down the mountain, in the dark. I didn’t fall. Yay, me. Poppy wouldn’t have been to pleased about that one. We came home and your daddy and Kyle had cooked us all dinner. We gathered around like the unconventional family we are, but nothing has ever felt so much like family since you’ve been gone. Kyle had your brothers in stitches. Kassie just looked like an angel. Robyn just feels like home. Your daddy makes everything safe. Liam and Quinn, remind me of you. Our kitchen table was filled with laugher, pain, sadness, and beauty… all in a very safe, yet dark world that we exist in. I have decided I don’t really feel like I live anymore, Ronan. I exist if anything. I can get by, existing and working the rest of my life to exist in a really, really, really good way. By helping others and opening my heart to these beautiful people, that I am so lucky to know. So lucky for being so unlucky. Talk about ironic.

Robyn and Kyle left today. I was sad to see them go but so glad that they came. My phone rang from my OBGY’s office. I didn’t pick up, on purpose. I had blood work done there last week. I knew they were calling to tell me I had some deadly disease or that Poppy is dying. I listened to the voicemail and called back. My heart was racing. I waited to talk to someone. I was preparing myself, for the worst like I always do with every situation now. I had the talk in my head with Liam and Quinn about how I was dying or how Poppy could not be born. This is automatically where my mind goes and I’m not proud of it but it is not anything I can control. I think I was about ready to hyperventilate on the phone when the lady came on to tell me everything came back fine, except my thyroid looked off. “What do you mean, I’m not dying and Poppy’s not dying!” I wanted to scream. Surely something bigger had to be wrong? Surely the other shoe was going to drop, right?? Not today, Ronan. Not today. Not even today when my very special friend had her very hard surgery. One she thought she might die from. I told her I had talked to you, and she would not be dying. I was right. Everything went great. Thank you for that. You know I could not survive, without her.

I’m going to go now. I’m tired, but what’s new. Seems to be a theme around here. This Poppy pregnancy is for the birds. But I will try to be grateful for this gift that is growing inside of me. I am grateful, Ronan. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful, but it is a lot harder than I had anticipated. I wasn’t mentally prepared for all the grief that was going to consume me, too. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xxoo

Join the Fight against Pediatric Cancer! Watch this video and Dell will donate $1 to Pediatric Cancer Research

Please watch and spread the word. Dell is doing great things. You don’t have to spend any money, just by watching this video, Dell will donate a dollar every time it is watched. Thank you all so much.

 

Side note*** I just had someone comment that they heard this video was a scam. I can promise you, it is not. I am very careful about the things I support. Dr. Giselle Sholler emailed me herself and asked me to share this video, which is why I posted it. She is very involved with Dell and would know if this were a scam. I promise I do my research on the things I post. I promise I trust her. This is legit. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. There are a lot of things out there, that are just not worth our time. This is not one of them.

http://www.causes.com/causes/789392-powering-the-possible/actions/1672930

Amazing Auction Items for The Gold Party!

LIke this! How stunning is this dress worn by my Charisma?!!

http://www.ebay.com/itm/-/280973819100?item=280973819100&ViewItem=&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123

I hope to see you all on Saturday. Lots of people have asked about the attire. I want you to come, however you want, just incorporate some GOLD into whatever you are wearing. See you soon, lovies!!!

xxoo

You’re Having Headaches?? O.k. We’ll Go Get an MRI.

Ronan. I did a lot of things today. It was a productive day, to say the least. I LOVE my productive days the best when they are fueled by you, you and you. Always by you. I didn’t sleep well last night due to just normal stuff that deal with a lot now. It was much easier in my Ambien is the Devil pill popping days, when I could just say fuck everything and go into a black coma for hours. I gave that up long ago and although I am so very glad, I can’t say that I sometimes don’t miss the convince of it. I know the after effects of that little pill are just not worth it for me though as they usually involve me wanting to slit my wrists. I’d rather just deal with the insomnia.

I sat with your Sparkly for a long time today. I was frustrated about some things. Sad about some things. I go to my best non judgmental friend, for the best advice. I spatted out the things that were wrong. Nothing major. But my feelings were hurt over something silly. I was feeling sad about you. Guilty about this baby. A little family trouble too. A invitation came my way. A maybe trip to New York. I sat and talked with him about all of these things. I’ll sum up for you, what I got told in a nutshell which went a little something like this.

“Please don’t lost sight of it what it is, you are doing and why you are doing it. I don’t think that you will, but promise me, you won’t. You know the reason you are doing all of this. The only reason you are doing all of this. Keep focused the way you have been. Do not let all of this attention, change anything.”

“They don’t know the real you. These people that you are letting your feelings get hurt by. They only know what they read and the few times they have met you. I know the real you. You are so smart. You are brave. You are kind. You are outgoing yet introverted. You are shy with certain situations. You are so strong. They don’t know your childhood and what you have been through, which I know is a big part of what makes you, you. People want to see you fail. It’s ugly human nature. What you are doing is unlike anything anyone has ever done before. I really think you are going to completely change this world, darling. You already have, and you are only getting started. Look at all you’ve done. Maya. Who else in this world can walk around with Fuck You Cancer bracelets on their wrists and get away with it?”

I just replied, “No one. But maybe that’s because they just haven’t tried.”

He just looked at me and said, “Exactly. That is exactly what makes you so different. You did that. You did that within weeks of Ronan being diagnosed. You turned that into your thing, which is a metaphor for everything you are doing. You did it without caring, you did it because that is what you felt, you did it with your head held high and now look where you are. You were handed the shittiest situation in life. You could have given up a long time ago, but you stayed true to being honest and vocal about everything you are going through. Nobody does that. That scares the shit out of people. As much as I wish this wasn’t the hand you were dealt, this is your calling. Whether it be by God or whoever else is out there, you were given this because you will change this in a way that nobody else has.”

Tears started welling up at this point in his eyes. “Now I’m going to start crying.” I looked down at the ground. “Why? I said. “Please don’t cry. Please.” I watched the tears form in his eyes.

“Why…. because I’m sad, for you but so proud as well. I wish this wasn’t your story, I wish this wasn’t Ro.”
“I know.” I said. “I know.”

I told him about my New York adventure. Secret side Maya mission. He told me to book my flight. I will. Another little gift, from you that just fell in my lap and since I am such a believer in signs and timing, I am going out to our favorite city to pursue what it is, that is maybe in the works. See you in a few weeks, NYC.

This week has flown by with so many things happening. We totally won 50k from the Chase Grant contest!!!! We entered it so late, but thanks to all of you supporting us by voting and telling everyone you know to vote, we won!!!! We are all so excited, proud and thankful. A special thanks to my dear friend, Melissa for taking the lead on this little last minute project for us. Without her, this would have never happened. I truly am surrounded by the greatest people. I am so lucky in that regard.

My friend Katie let me have a little trunk show at her store last night with my “Spicy Monkey,” bracelets. We had such a turn out and I was so happy to finally meet some of my very best Ro lovers out there. Your Poppy has had me wiped out, but I powered through last night and it was a huge success. Thank you to everyone who came out to see me. I loved listening to you talk about Ronan. It makes my heart a lot less sad to listen to your stories of how he has inspired and changed you. I am so lucky to be your mama, Ro baby. You are doing the most amazing things in this world still. I miss you so much.

Last night left me feeling like I had been run over by a truck today. I had a lot to do and got through some things, only to come home so sick and tired. I fell into bed for a few hours. I didn’t want to, but I knew today I didn’t have a choice. Guess where I spent this evening. At PCH with Quinn getting an MRI. You know, because of his headaches, I am still convinced he has a brain tumor. It is so mentally exhausting to live in this world. This world of being overly paranoid about anything and everything. We will know in the morning if anything showed up. Your favorite PCH lovie called me before the MRI. “I’ll be there in the morning and I’ll call you first thing. I promise you, there is nothing there.” I responded with, “You’re telling me that I can sleep tonight?” He said, “Yes. Please sleep tonight. I promise, everything is fine.” “O.k.” I said. “I’ll believe you.” I am sure he is fine, but as you know, I can’t live in a world where I’m not 100% sure. Between last night and today, I feel like I need a major vacation… from life. Do you know where I can go for that? I do. But that’s not my call.

I had an ultra sound this week as well. I think I sat and cried most of my appointment. My nurse asked how I was feeling. I respond with sick, tired, and really, really sad. This led to about a 30 minute conversation about you. She knew a little bit about our story, but not the details. I told her most of our story, as best I could without choking on my words. It’s still hard for me to talk about everything we went though. The scariness of it. The darkness. The blind hope being ripped from my arms in the form of losing you. How everything spiraled out of control so quickly. How I didn’t even realize you were dying because I was so convinced my love would save you. We talked about this new baby and I told her that I’m not excited yet. I saw Dr. Schwartz who I think might be one of the most amazing women on the planet. She talks about you a lot which means so much to me. She told me how excited she was to see my name on the schedule and that I was pregnant again. She said she thinks everyone is so excited about this baby. I do too. I know there will come a point where I am as well. But right now, I just miss you so much.

That was my week in a nutshell, Ro. I’m tired from being a PCH tonight. I couldn’t go back in the MRI room with Quinn due to being pregnant. The memories of you, being in there came flooding back. Within hours, our whole life turned into a nightmare. Please let everything be alright with Quinny. I could not survive something like this again. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

;

Little hands, little feet, and I swear I see a Poppy smile!

Your other song for the night. And it really is your song. I still can’t listen to it, without bawling. She is so beautiful. I love you both to the moon and back.

 

 

http://youtu.be/CS7JrI-JPOc

Our song for the night, Ro baby. It is so us.

I am a HUGE P!nk fan. HUGE. So of course, I bought her new album today. I was putting on my make-up when this song came on. It literally brought me to my knees and before I knew it, I was sobbing on the floor and my make-up was ruined. Listen to the lyrics. I felt like she wrote this, for me. Everything about the song, reminded me of you, Ronan and how hard it is to live this life, without you. Am I crazy? I don’t think so. I think P!nk might have some Ronan/Mama ESP going on. “Little feet, tired of being a fighter, baby blues, parallel universe, beam me up.” Ummm… this is my life.

Everyone should buy her album. It is amazeballs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo

There’s a whole n’other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There’s a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill my soul.

 

 

Ronan. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because I’m pregnant and tired, is bullshit. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I don’t have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me.  I am tired of being tired and I’m going to fight through this as hard as I can. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. I can’t do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. Am I pushing things a bit? Maybe, but it’s the only way I feel like I can survive. Hopefully in the next month or so, I’ll have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this.

I spent the day with a friend of mine. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was a total adventure. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. I was in a world that I normally don’t live in anymore. A world of shiny, happy people. I don’t fit well into that world anymore, but I love our hostess so for her, I was totally game. Plus she says the word, “Fuck,” a lot which you know I appreciate. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. It felt good just to be out with my friend. Our conversations area always easy and honest. No need for bullshit or pretending. I don’t function well in a bullshit and pretending world. I never have and never will. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. I needed a break from MY reality today which is exactly what I got. Thanks, J- for the break, amazing lunch and your dazzling smile. It was nice to be among the living for a few hours.

Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. It was a boy. He was so tiny and frail. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. He came in beaming and so happy. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. The next thing I knew, this baby started talking and saying, “Ronan, Ronan, Ronan,” over and over again. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. I was aching to see your little face so badly that I wanted to throw up. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. I don’t know what this dream meant. If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. We have about one idea for a first name. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish.

I had a nice thing happen to me today. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. It’s almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. I have a lot of dreams. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. I might just fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight and I might just be going out to New York City in a few weeks. Our Fairy RoMo said to pack our umbrella. Gladly. Happily. Best news ever. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well.

This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo