Dear Ronan, I’m freaking tired. Too tired to even name this post tonight.

Ronan. It is amazing to me, that because of one girl, the entire world seems to know your name now. I am getting so many emails, blog comments, phone calls, and all I am hearing is how much people are inspired by you. How better the world is going to be, because of you. I am trying my best to keep up on everything but today, I made myself stay inside of our house so I could try to get caught up on some things. I didn’t happen. I am so beyond beat that I am thinking I may have a baby vampire growing inside of my belly, because it is literally sucking the life out of me. I’m not used to this. I don’t do well with anything that slows me down and I am having a hard time just letting myself be with all of this. I’m not going to lie. I am scared about this new baby. I worry a lot about not feeling attached to it yet. I think that is normal, after you go through such a heavy loss. But this being pregnant thing only seems to make me miss you more and more. My heart feels a thousand times more heavy then it has in a very long time. Part of this doesn’t even feel real to me yet. And then there is that part of me that still thinks this baby is just going to die, because I know that can happen. I am trying to stay calm and relaxed, but I am consumed with constant worry and sadness. I worry about things like, what if I don’t love this baby, as much as I love you? Is that awful to say? It sounds awful. But in my mind, I cannot imagine loving something as much as you. As of now, anyway. I worry that I won’t be able to be a good mom anymore, because I am so sad. I am trying so hard with Liam and Quinn, but it doesn’t come as easily to me as it used to. I think that is still the grief part of all of this.

Somebody said to me, “You are famous now.” I just replied with a simple, “No I’m not. I’m just a sad mom who lost who son and who would do anything to have him back. I almost threw up at that famous word. Famous because my son died and some beautiful girl wrote a song about him? No. Not famous. Just a mom who is in a very sad world now and someone very sweet decided to do something very beautiful because she has such a wonderful heart. I’m not sure quite what to do with all this attention. I just want it to all go to the awareness that childhood cancer needs, deserves and wants. I want our story to inspire kids to become doctors, who will do everything they can, to change the awful statistics, outcomes and treatments of childhood cancer. I want our story to inspire nurses to go into pediatric oncology, because these kids deserve to have the best people taking care of them with the biggest hearts. I want our story to inspire people to become child life specialists who really will make a difference in bringing a smile to a child’s face. I want our story to impact people in such a way that they follow their hearts and listen to their dreams no matter how many people try to stop them or hold them back. I want all this “fame,” to go to where it deserves to go to. To the real heroes of this story, the kids battling cancer. That is what I want. This spotlight is not for me, but them. This scary world where childhood cancer gets such little support and funding. Childhood Cancer is the number one disease killer in children. I know this the hard way. I am reminded of this every second of every single day. This HAS to change for these other kids. Why is it acceptable that we are just throwing away our future? You would have grown up to be something so amazing, Ronan. I just know this. But now, I’ll never get to see this. I will never get over this or “get better,” from this. You don’t get better from losing a child. You learn to live with it and fight on because you are left here to change this for others.

  • Nationally, childhood cancer is 20x more prevalent than pediatric AIDS.
  • Pediatric AIDS receives 4x the funding that childhood cancer receives.
  • In one month there are 2x as many deaths from childhood cancer as pediatric AIDS for the entire year.
  • In the U.S. almost 3,000 children do not survive cancer each year.
  • Over the past 20 years, only TWO new cancer drug has been approved for pediatric use – Clofarabine (Clolar-Genzyme) in 2004 for ALL and Tenoposide (Vumar/VM-26-BMS) in 1990.
  • Only 3% of the National Cancer Institute Budget goes toward Pediatric Cancer Research.
  • September is Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month, which nationally goes unrecognized.
  • The federal government recently cut the budget for Childhood Cancer Research.
  • Currently there are between 30 – 40,000 children undergoing cancer treatment in the U.S.
  • Young patients often have a more advanced stage of cancer when first diagnosed. Approximately 20% of adults with cancer show evidence the disease has spread, yet almost 80% of children show that the cancer has spread at diagnosis.
  • Today, up to 75% of the children with cancer can be cured, yet some forms of childhood cancer have proven so resistant to treatment that, in spite of research, a cure is illusive.
  • As a nation, we spend over $14 BILLION per year on the space program, but only $35 million on Childhood Cancer Research each year.
  • There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every one child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.
  • The National Cancer Institute’s (NCI) federal budget for 2003 was $4.6 billion. Of that, breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7%, and all 12 major groups of pediatric cancers combined received less than 3%.
  • Research funds are scarce as most money is diverted to well-publicized adult forms of cancer, such as breast and prostate.
  • In 2005, the American Cancer Society provided only 2.5% of funded grants, or 1.85% of dollars spent on research to pediatric cancer

If somebody had changed these things years ago, you may still be here. Now you are not here, and it’s my job to help do this so maybe someday another little boy or girl does not have to die from Neuroblastoma. Maybe if this disease gets the attention it deserves, breakthroughs will be made and the odds will not be stacked against these kids. That’s my hope for all of this anyway. I am moving forward with my plan. It’s a big one and if I actually sat down to think about my dream and what it is, I’m wanting to do… it might scare the shit out of me. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to sit down and be scared or worried that I am taking too much on because kids are dying left and right. That is unfucking acceptable. You died. That is the most unfuckingacceptable thing of all.

I am tired in a way that I don’t remember being tired in my life, ever. Did I mention that I am not a fan of being pregnant? I never have been. I would rather fast forward and give birth a thousand times than feel like this. I hope there comes a point where I get my energy back again. I don’t like being slowed down in any way. I am trying my best to listen to my body. My mind is restless but my body is exhausted. I woke up last night to one of the worst dreams that I’ve had in a long time. That any memory I had of you, was totally and completely gone. Like you had been erased from all of my thoughts, visions, and dream. It felt so real. I woke up with my pillow soaked with tears, scrambling to find you. I then had to remember that you died as I tried to put together in my head, what it was like when you were here. Please don’t let me forget I thought to myself. Please. My memories of him are all I have left. I would die without them. I spent the rest of today being completely thrown off by my dream of not being able to remember you. I’m still in a funk from it.

I fell asleep early tonight, but I’m up now. I would give anything for a solid, peaceful night of sleep. I would give anything, for a lot of things like having you back here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I wish you were here.


P.S. Fuck Cancer you fucking fuckwad for murdering my baby.

89 responses to “Dear Ronan, I’m freaking tired. Too tired to even name this post tonight.”

  1. I hope you get the rest you need. I want you to know your little man may be the spark this nation needs. A dear friend of mine lost her little boy to fucking cancer 11 months ago. He ad Ronan have both inspired me to look for ways to use my law degree to promote awareness of Neuroblastoma. Love, thoughts, and well wishes from Alabama.

  2. I hope you get the rest you need. I want you to know your little man may be the spark this nation needs. A dear friend of mine lost her little boy to fucking cancer 11 months ago. He ad Ronan have both inspired me to look for ways to use my law degree to promote awareness of Neuroblastoma. Love, thoughts, and well wishes from Alabama.

  3. RoMama,
    Wishing a peaceful and restful night. You so deserve it! Lil poppy deserves it too 🙂
    Rockstar Ro! RoLove always! xo

  4. Mama, when your beautiful little poppy is born, you will look into his/her eyes and you will love them…because I have a feeling there will be that spicy little glint there that tells you that this is Ro’s way of telling you that it is okay, that he is here and that you have more love in your heart than anybody else.

    1. Well said Ali…there will be a spicy glint in little poppy’s eyes!!! (You always have such nice words for Maya!)
      Hoping for some rest for you Maya!

  5. Hi Maya! I’m a first time college student and time and time again I have prayed for God to give me a me the path of what I’m called to be in life. For the past week I have been reading your blogs…starting from the very beginning. It’s emotionally draining for me but yet I keep reading. The point is I just got done reading your blog from today…and I have decided to be a nurse in oncology..I know this is going to be a long journey for me, but this is a journey I’m willing to take for Ronan. I’m so inspired by this story and I’m ready to take a stand for it!

  6. Maya!

    Just inspired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thought of sharing my thoughts with you. I started following your blog on daily basis after Tyler Swift song leaded me to your blog and foundation and then I went back to catch up with your previous blogs when Ronan was with us on this earth. It’s heart breaking!!!!!!. I support your every single word that you type. I cried and cried and questioned same things from God “Why children, Why??” I broke down to my knees and felt like screaming loud that entire world can hear the pain of losing a child and I asked God” Why not God picks parents over child if he has to take one of us..Why poor angels who just began life It hurts so much being a parent”. I wish I get answer some day for that.
    I saw your clip today and your face was showing the pain and suffering you are going through. When you were with Ronan, even though he is suffering but you were alive because you had Ronan and now I feel you are just living because Ronan wants you to be here to fight for every one and as if we are living living dead as you mentioned that you already died the day Ronan left his body.

    I am blessed to have my son who just now turned 5 yr old. Here at mid night, I am thinking if Ronan would have been alive, he would have been tucked in bed with you and Woody same way as my son is today. You would have been hearing his deep sleep breaths as I am hearing.. I have no words to describe.. In evening, my son was drawing on children’s Ikea drawing board and sharing with me, I just imagined Ronan, thinking if he was with us, he would have been sharing his drawings same way with you. My son is 5 now but his height is almost same as it looks of Ronan. Ronan is sweet, beautiful and too perfect for this world and a true Army Hero and Rockstar. He is in every one’s heart today. I even have put his photo on my laptop and that’s how I start my day. You and your son has changed my prespective of looking life. When I come back home from work, I spend quality time with my son and cherish every moment. I listen to his soft voice, just not to miss any word that he said and I didn’t hear… You made me realize that children lives are so fragile. What we are seeing perfect today, may not be perfect tomorrow. You gave me strength to live and enjoy.
    Ronan didn’t deserve this much pain suffering and taken away from his beloved family. I support your fight to find cure for childhood cancer. You created huge awareness among us and made all of us realize how painful it is for little bodies to go through this HORRIBLE disease.

    If in anyway I hurt your feelings, please forgive me.

    Thank you and I support you and your family. I wish there was any where to bring Ronan here on earth to be with your family. I pray that very soon no child has to die from this Horrible Horrible Disease and we all beat this disease once FOREVER!!!!!!!!

  7. You don’t need to be famous to make a difference in a child’s life. You’re still quite young and you could become a pediatric nurse if you wanted, or work in oncology, or other jobs in pediatric healthcare (not now obviously since you’re pregnant, but in the future when kids are older). You have a big heart and you have already dedicated your life to helping kids with cancer – why not be on the front lines of that battle? Perhaps it’s too painful for you, which I can understand. But it could also be the best damn decision you have ever made – I know it was for me!

  8. I have listened to “Ronan” SO many times and just don’t think it could be any more beautiful

  9. Oops…any more beautiful or any more perfect than the Ronan I feel like I was really able to know through your words these last 2 years. I couldn’t have dreamed of a more perfect tribute to your sweet boy..❤❤

  10. I hope you get some rest soon Maya!
    You might not feel strong, but you ARE. I promise.
    Please keep fighting, you’re a wonderful person and a wonderful mama!

  11. Hello-
    I have told thousands of people in the Bay Area this week all about you and Ronan (and your husband and Liama and Quinn). I commented the other day when I was in tears after being introduced to you and Ronan from all of my sons oncology nurses at UCSF. You are truly an amzing writer and I have all my friends texting me all hours of the night to say they are crying all night long reading your blog. Nobody including myself can stop reading. One of my dear friends who I met at UCSF and lives a mile from our family lost their son Cooper Proscia from Neuroblastoma 4 years ago. It was May of 2008 and I hope you will if you haven’t already look up CooperProscia on Caringbridge. Their story is similar and like you and Woody, Cheryl and her husband Dave took “Super Cooper” to the best docs and hospitals all over the US and he fought til the end. You parents DID DO everything you could do and that unconditional love that you shared with your boys is all that mattered the most. You clearly gave Ronan so much love for him to be able to be the champ that he was until the end and now he is a role model to all those he is surrounded by. I remember being with Cooper at his home days before he took his last breath and he was still smiling and asking me about my son Jack who is a few months younger than Cooper. I tried answering without crying and could not do it- these angels Ronan, Cooper and so many others were chosen for some reason that we will never know. I am babbling and crying and need to sleep like you but wanted to share that two years after our son was diagnosed with ALL my brother in law was diagnosed with Non- Hodgkins Lymph. and then two mos. later he was murdered. I never thought life would be “normal” again- like you I believed I had almost the perfect life -married to the most amazing husband when I was 25 and got pregnant when I was 27 with my first and then 29 with my second and then when Jack was just about finished with chemo I got pregnant with my third- we now have Stella- Stella just turned four in July ( I turned 40 in April ) and although I feel like an old mom now I cherish every moment especailly after learning so much from you. When I was pregnant with her I thought about so many of the same feelings you have shared- will she have cancer etc. Live each day to the fullest. You have so many people in the world who are so inspired by you- thank you for being so real. Rest for your family and beautiful new life inside of you:)
    ps.. you can check out Jack’s old site if you want but I am not nearly as good of a writer and it has been years since I updated.

  12. Hi Maya im from Belfast in northern Ireland i just heard about Ronan through Taylor Swifts song. I then started reading about your blog & your beautiful baby. I think your an amazing lady & mother and on reading all your blog posts ,I think as a mother you did all you could and what your doin now is fantastic. Wishing you lots of love & strength in the coming months xx

  13. I heard about Ronan through Taylor Swifts song and I have read almost every post you have on this blog. I am so sorry for your, your husbands, and your boys loss. And I am sorry that Ronan is no longer here with you all. Although I do not understand the pain of losing a child, I do know th pain that cancer brings. My brother Daniel died from leukemia, and my niece (now in remission) was diagnosed with leukemia almost 4 years ago. I want you to know that I am working extremely hard to become a nurse and work in pediatric oncology (I am a sophomore in college). I will not give up because of the children like my brother, my niece, Ronan, and all the others. I respect your beliefs but please know I am praying for all of you & I hope Ronan visits you in your dreams because I know that I am constantly wishing that my brother would visit me in mine. Stay strong, keep being an amazing mom to your twins, to Ronan, and your one on the way. Because you are still continuing to be an amazing mom to ALL of them! Thank you for sharing your incredible love story, and journey, and most of all for sharing Ronan with all of us! I hope my brother and him have met- they would get along great!!

  14. You are a Rockstar Maya for bringing so much attention and “fame” to awareness of childhood cancer.

    I think pregnancy and parenting after your child has died is difficult. I can’t think of a more appropriate word but I did read about an analogy. Parenting after the death of your child (in my case children) is like looking through a window. You watch and want to be there but the window keeps you from getting too close. Attachment after knowing the worst can and did happen is tricky to say the least.

    Thank you Maya and Ronan. Sending hugs ad hope. FU Cancer!

  15. Just found your blog after hearing Taylor’s song Friday night. I can’t find the words….. my heart just hurts. The stats on childhood cancer are disgusting. I had no idea. I have two little boys, and it just enrages me. This is our future…how can this be?! Fuck these stats, and fuck cancer.

  16. Oh sweet mama….hope you got some rest. Thinking about you and W,Q,L,P, and always Ro! Never fear on that love question. You have more sadness but also more love in your heart than anyone I know…..and I believe your love will flow easily for Poppy because he/she is a gift from Ro. I think cancer (FU Cancer!) got into your head and sent you that dream, Maya…RONAN will never be forgotten–the whole world has seen the most beautiful boy that ever lived—he will never ever ever be forgotten…and cancer might be a litttle worried because it realizes the smackdown coming its way with the awareness that was achieved this weekend! Love you!

  17. I’ve spent the last two days pouring over your blog and listening to Ronan’s song over and over again. I’ve absolutely fallen in love with him and his beautiful face just haunts me. I made a donation to The Ronan Thompson Foundation. It wasn’t much, but it’s what I can manage right now. I’ll continue to donate what I can.

    I hope you know what an inspiration you and Ronan are to each and every one of us who reads your story. Never again will I become annoyed when my 16 month old wakes up at 2 am and won’t go back to sleep for hours when I have to work the next day, because I know you’d give anything for those long nights. Never again will I get irritated when she throws food in the floor and then laughs about it, because I know you’d give anything for those messes. And never again will I sigh in frustration when she throws a tantrum in public, because I know you’d give anything to feel that embarrassment.

    Thank you for making me a better mother, wife, person.

  18. Maya, First of all I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything that has happened. I heard Taylor’s song for Ronan and didn’t even get tithe chorus before I had streams of tears running down my cheeks. I am in grade 11 in Australia, and I felt I had to let you know after reading this, my dreams of becoming a pediatrician have been cemented. I know I have always wanted to help children, but your post has made me so much more motivated to achieve my dream. I really hope I can get into the course and work in a children’s hospital. I want to help them, to change the awful statistics and hopefully have the ability to make the kids smile as well. Thank you. Stay Strong 🙂 x

  19. Maya, your dreams are just a refelction of your feelings. Pain of losing Ronan, Scared about the new baby, worried about “replacing” Ronan. Ronan can never be replaced and any one with a brain knows your new baby is never going to replace Ronan or take his memory away. You were meant to have 4 children. You will absolutley love this new baby so much, the minute you lay eyes on him/her. Your pain will never go away. But perhaps there will be many joyous moments where your pain is dulled. Dulled by the joyous love a baby brings. By the joyous love of your twins, By wonderful family times you will have in your future. Ronan should be there. Absolutely. But Cancer took his life like the asshole it is. And now you are doing so much to help moms, families, kids, research. You fight like a ROCKSTAR ! I know “famous” is a bad word for you. You’d rather your child back. But what this does is just bring awareness, money, and change. And for that, you are responsible for. You did this. You did this by using your words in the most powerful way. You move us all to be better people. Ronan, Liam, Quinn, and Woody are so lucky to have you. And now you will bring another outstanding child in to the world. I promise the love you have for this child will be so deep! Ronans memory will never leave you. Ronan will be with you forever until you are once with him again. Hes so proud!!! Get rest, take it easy, Everythings going to be OK!

  20. Maya,
    I, like many others, have come to your blog since Friday. I just happened to catch Taylor’s performance and sought out more information about what she was singing. The emotion on her face compelled me to do so. I read through your blog and sobbed along with your words. It is the most achingly honest writing I may have ever, or will ever read. Your story has stayed with me since then and I believe will still with me for a long time, hopefully forever.

    Thank you Maya. I know you are fighting to kill the thing that took your son but I also know you are fighting for us and our children. People who don’t even know you, or know that this boogie man may be outside our children’s doors. I certainly didn’t know the stats but now I am a committed warrior in this fight.

    I am so sorry for what you have been through but thank you, and Taylor, for changing the face of this disease. I don’t know if you like to hear things like this but I am praying for you, and your family, and for us all. Much love and God Bless.

  21. Maya,
    Your blog, as always, leaves me with both tears and inspiration every time I read it. The statistics you provided are staggering…and not in a good way. I am going to share them with everyone I know. Knowledge is power…so we need to get the word out there to let people know that change is desperately needed. Keep on fighting the fight, Maya. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you, but know that you now have a world full of people who are sending positive thoughts your way, praying for you, and ready to join the fight.

  22. I’m so sorry you lost your little boy. I have no idea how it would feel to be you. You seem like a very strong, caring, loving mother. I do know that life is unfair. My 2 year old Connor has Autism and even though he is still alive, I feel like I have lost him in a way. He is not able to talk or give me affection or do the things he should be doing. But did you know the Bible says everyone who dies will be resurrected to the earth and all those sick will be cured? (Revelation 21:3,4) This gives me hope for all those suffering from any disease, especially our little ones. I have another son, Tucker and am pregnant, due in April as well. Just so you know, I don’t feel attached to my new baby yet either. It will happen for you. This part of pregnancy really sucks. Just think of how much your little boy would love having that baby brother or sister and what he would say or do. I will be praying for you to get some comfort and also for your pregnancy. Please email me if you want to talk.

  23. Maya, be strong! You are an inspiration to me and to the world! Little Ronan must be so proud of his mommy! Please get some rest and give my love to your boys!

  24. Mama, ditto to what Ali said. With my cuties
    I would cry up until I delivered because I was
    so worried I could not love another baby like
    I loved the one I had. xoxo

    The statistics made my stomach churn.
    I’ve read them before and that’s why I fight
    for our babies. 3,000 children do not survive
    cancer each year!!!!!!! THIS IS FU*#ED UP!!!!
    It’s just wrong!!!!!

  25. Maya…lots of love to you always. This baby might be just what you need…it will be hard, but having new life in your home will be wonderful. I’m so happy that so many people are reading your blog…I seriously cannot get over how many hits you’ve had in just the last past week! You are doing it…you and Ronan. Big things are happening because of you…because of your passion and your words. People are in love with you and your family, and that’s all because of you and Ro. You will help change things for these children and their families…there are just too many kids still dying and still suffering. I’m behind you 100% Maya, I know in my heart that you can do this. You are AMAZING…you are a wonderful mother, wife, and person. Don’t ever forget that. This baby is so lucky to have you and Woody as his/her mom and dad. Keep moving mountains Maya.

    Lots of love.

  26. I remember feeling many of the same things when I was pregnant after losing my daughter. I felt like being happy or excited over the possibilities of that pregnancy were in some way a betrayal to the memory of my Abby, who passed away just five months before I became pregnant again. I was very scared that I wouldn’t feel as attached to my baby the way I was with my first two, and I was scared of getting my hopes up after having them crushed by Abby’s death. Thankfully, once my Grace was born I fell in love on the spot, and felt Abby’s presence- I truly believe she helped bring Grace to our family, and continues to watch over her. I love her and miss her so much- I know Abby makes me a better mother to her older brother and baby sister. I’m sure your beautiful Ronan does and will do the same. I wish you peace and love (and hopefully some needed rest!) during this time. xoxo

  27. You will love this baby! Every mom feels that way about the next baby. Also try and remember you’ll have more energy soon. Love all the awareness you and Ronan are creating.

  28. Maya, your sorrow was the first story I saw on AOL and Huff Post this morning. This has exploded like a supernova.

    You are bringing awareness to this terrible disease more than you have ever dreamed possible. YOU are. RONAN is.

    My daughter volunteers at PCH in the children’s oncology ward and I told her, just because someone’s life was brief doesn’t make it meaningless. You have proven that. Ronan will change the world because you will change the world. Ronan is a rockstar, but you are a super hero. And you know, super heroes are often tired and sad and lonely and angry. But they go on. And that is what makes them super heroes. YOU, Maya, are a SUPER HERO.

    P.S. Don’t worry, someone who loves as deeply and and strongly as you do never, ever runs out of love.

  29. There is strength in the struggle. Close your eyes and just breathe…one breath at a time. Take comfort in knowing your sweet Ronan is always with you. You may not see him but in the stillness of breathing you feel him.
    Embrace Ronan and God’s gift growing in your belly and trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are doing incredible things so stay strong and never give up. Just breathe….

  30. I want you to know that until today, I didn’t know who Ronan was… but now that I do, I will NEVER forget your sweet little man. The song is beautiful. I can’t imagine your pain…but, I know I sat here with tears streaming down my face listening to the words..your words and feelings… No mother should ever feel that pain.. Cancer has touched my family and two children in my family…and it effing sucks! For today, I wish you some peaceful moments, and for the future, the day that you will be able to think of Ronan and smile, instead of cry. ❤

  31. I have lost my only child to childhood cancer. He was my world. We tried so hard to get pregnant for years, when he finally arrived he was my everything. Reading your words reminds me of a place I was. This is beyond grief, and I had to work hard with my medical team to get beyond that point. I hope you do as well. Don’t give up on trying to get better because you feel this is how a parent that lost a child should feel. The sadness will always be there but the other symptoms that come with Major Depressive episode that are debilitating can be helped with the right medication. I hope you are taking an anti-depressant already. If you are not, I hope you start soon. It was tough to find what worked for me, I went through many different medications until I found mine. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about how much I miss my son. But the medication has really helped with the other symptoms… The tiredness, early morning waking/insomnia, the body pain… I hope you keep working on getting yourself better. You are an amazing mother and advocate for childhood cancer. Will continue to follow your blog and keep sending you love.

    1. Maya is facing the grief head on, without antidepressants. I think she is doing a great job and is directing her grief at making a difference which is a very healthy approach. Sorry for your loss as well.

  32. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I feel like I can relate to you I lost my 2 year old daughter 3 years ago but from pneumonia I got pregnant 4 months after she passed away and I hated being pregnant cause I was do depressed and sad inside how could I love another baby the way I love Kaylah it tore me up inside. But after those long 9 months I had a baby boy name Kaleb and he has helped a lot with the healing of my grieving he will never ever replace my baby girl Kaylah but he has helped me cope with her being gone. I still can’t believe that she is gone I live one day at a time because 3 years later I still struggle tremendously you never get over it I suppose you have to learn to live with it because this world keeps on going. I have to be strong for my 9 year old twins Mariah and Micah and now 2 year old Kaleb. God bless you and by the way I saw Taylor Swift perform that song and it just broke my heart I could not stop crying thinking that there was another family having to deal with losing there child. Beautiful just an amazing song I downloaded it from iTunes that night.

  33. Dear maya ,
    I got home and continued reading your blog , fell asleep with ronan’s song in my head and woke up humming the song 🙂
    Your word truly are heartwarming , I have not had a dry eye since I started reading
    I hope you get to sleep better today in order to build up some energy
    Your words , and ronan’s life are changing hearts and minds of many
    I am sure he will forever and always be alive in our hearts and mind
    Lots of love to you and your family

  34. Found your blog from Stand up to Cancer.
    Have listened to Taylor’s song SO many times.
    Have fallen in love with Ronan.
    Will pray for you daily.
    Will donate to Pediatric cancer.
    Will never forget your blue eyed Little Man.
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    I am SURE he will make ALL the difference.
    Much love Maya.
    From another Mama.

  35. Your post changed my entire day.

  36. Oh Maya… my heart just hurts. You are such a breath of fresh air in this shitty world of childhood cancer. I was feeling so uninspired this summer- I lost my spark and it all came back to me last Friday. I’m renewed and the fire is back~ without your sharing, the song wouldn’t have existed and I would still be half-assing it and questioning my goals. Thanks for that, with all my heart. And please know- this baby was hand-picked and sent to you from your brightest star. Ronan wants this for you. You will embrace and you will love this gift~ feeling unattached is normal at this point. You deserve to enjoy this beautiful life inside of you… allow that for yourself~ Ronan’s spirit will be a special little spark in your little one.


  37. Dear Maya and Ronan,
    Unfortunately I never took the opportunity to know of you and your fight. I thought I didn’t have reason to know of childhood cancer, my 4 year old is healthy afterall. How wrong I was. Since first hearing your song Ronan, my life has been changed…forever. Maya, I am inspired by your strength and love and your determination. I will never take for granted the moments I have with my little one, Jacob. Even the frustrating ones. Thank you Maya for sharing your little angel with the world, he is beautiful and has opened the eyes of so many…including me.

  38. I dont even know where to begin, I feel like from reading your blog I know so much about you and your family. I only heard about you from Taylor’s song and seeing Ronan’s face after her song was over was so hearbreaking to me. I cry everytime I hear her song, everytime I read your blog, but I cant stop listening or reading. In my family no one has had cancer so I’ve never been affected by it, but from your story I now feel like I have. I know the pain I feel from your story doesnt even come close to the pain you feel everyday, it never could. I am a single mom to a 2 year old boy with eyes almost identical to Ronan’s. When I’m not working I spend every moment with my son and never realized how unthankful I can be about that sometimes. I never look at his messes and thank god he is here to make that mess and when I punish him thank god he is here for me to punish. You and your baby boy have opened my eyes to how thankful and greatful I should be every second of everyday to be able to be with my baby and hold him and look into those beautiful blue eyes whenever I want. I read your blog about how peope stopped you all the time to comment on Ronan’s eyes and how cute he was, people do that to me with my son every where we go. From reading your story I relate so much to the love you have for Ronan and the bond you two shared and will always share. I look into my sons eyes now and see Ronan and think about your story. You have put the cutest face on childhood cancer that no one who see that or reads your story can over look. you have inspired me to help in any way I can. I dont have a lot of money to doante but I now want to raise money and raise awareness. No one ever tells you as a parent how lucky you are that your child isnt ill, but they should. I dont think there is anything worse in this world than losing a child and being helpless while its happening right infront of you. You are one the strongest people in this world for doing what you do. There is so many things I know see in a different light because of your baby and so many things I will never take for granted again. I hug my son a little tighter now and kiss him more because of your story. My sons is my life, my world, my everything and I couldnt imagine going through this life without him. thank you for sharing your story with me, with everyone and opening up a lot of eyes through it. I know my life wil forever be changed because of it, because of Ronan. He is the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. I am so incredibly sorry for you and your family’s lose. thank you again, you and Ronan are inspiring so many people to do so many good things. Keep fighting your fight, I know you’ll never give up because of Ronan and now you have so many other people by your side fighting your fight. I just had to comment to tell you what an amazing person and mom you are, all of your children are so lucky to have you.
    best wishes! I will continue to follow your story.

  39. I am just learning of your painful journey after hearing Taylor Swift’s song. I am so very sorry. You and Ronan and your family are reaching the world, from the bottom to the top. I was not aware, but now I am. I thought, like so many in naivety, that the images we were presented with were true. The echoes of your experiences, the every day and night of it. I cannot imagine, but I can do something and will. Thank you for mobilizing the country and the world. He is everywhere and has made a greater impact in his 3 years than most do in a lifetime. But, as a mother, I know you would trade it all to have him back. But I do hope that you continue to push for more research awareness funding treatment. Many blessings to you and yours.

  40. Dear Maya,
    I’ve followed you since I lost my daughter Chloe in January to a horribly virus. You are such a beautiful mother that sometimes as I read your words I feel like I know you. This morning on the way to dropping my surviving children off for school, my favorite country radio station does allot of work with St Jude’s children’s hospital. Since it is childhood cancer awareness month, to my suprise they played “Ronan”. this may not sound surprising to you but I live in Anchorsge Alaska, we tend to be sheltered from the lower 48 and all that goes on down there. The song is the most beautiful song I have heard. I put it on my phone the moment it hit iTunes. I won’t say I have listened to it many times. The words, your words bring back january 25th like I am re-living it. The months we spent in and out of the hospital trying to save her. Because of the meaning of those words I already have the song memorized. My daughters eyes were blue, I too remember the last time I kissed her face in a hospital room. The “whys” that are never answered , the flowers that piled up and her clothes that still hang in my closet. Because of your blog I know that i am not alone with what I feel and the things I do. Its that strange feeling of being glad that I found your blog and Ronan, but wishing I hadn’t had to. Many blessings to you Maya, your family, your new pride and joy growing inside of you, and of course Ronan.
    I just wanted to let you know how far your reach has gotten.

    Shanna Perry

  41. Maya,

    I can’t tell you how oddly I found your blog and how much I needed to hear your story. I’ve fallen in love with Ronan and I am so inspired by you. My son has ADHD, everyday is a struggle. Just as the tears started pouring down my face for you and your family while reading your blog, I received a call from Vito’s principal about a problem he had in school. Like you I sometimes feel I am the only one who understands my blue eyed boy. I realized if my biggest problem is Vito not participating in a writing assignment, life’s good and my patience and love will get him through this. The fact that you wake up every morning and enjoy the simplicity of Liam, Quinn, Woody, and Poppy growing inside of you after losing Ronan is a miracle. No more tears, I can do this.
    Anyway, ADHD is by no means a comparison to Cancer. But your love, strength, and total devotion is a kick in the ass a lot of us Moms needed. I believe you and Ronan will change the way the world sees childhood cancer. I believe in your mission. I believe in your love. I believe in your strength. I believe you and Ronan will do a lot of great things together for this awful disease and I know this is just the beginning of it. In case I wasn’t repetitive enough…I believe in you more than I have believed in anyone or anything!

    Thank you for sharing and continuing to share your story with the world. You’re destined for great things…

  42. My heart goes out to you and your family. What you are doing takes a tremendous amount of courage…thank you!

  43. It has been just over two years since the loss of my granddaughter. I came across this quote that I felt explained how I felt. “It has been said, “time heals all wounds”, I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.” Rose Kennedy. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. I can not imagine that there is any pain deeper than the pain of losing a child. I admire your strength, courage and determination to put the focus of childhood cancer in the spotlight. The ultimate price was paid with the loss of your precious child, yet you continue on and fight this battle for him and so many children like him. You could have chosen to just give up and give in to the pain but your infinite love of Ronan and your fierce hatred of cancer will see you through this fight. Now with the help of a beautiful song, literally millions and millions of people know your son and your family’s story and will join in this fight with you. I am one of them. Thank you from my heart for unselfishly sharing your life with us.

  44. I have never lost a child, but with my second and third babies I always wondered if I would love them as much as my first….and I do. I know this baby you are having is going to be SO loved by all the people in your life.

    You won’t ever forget Ronan. Once again, I haven’t lost a child but sometimes I forget what it was like when my kids were little. I am so thankful for the pictures and videos we have to remember those times. I’ve seen so many pictures of your little guy and a few videos, I don’t really know what else to say except to treasure those…

    This is my first time posting, saw Taylor Swift sing and had to look up the gorgeous boy whose song made me so sad for his mother. I’ve read quite a bit of your blog and you and Ronan have been in my thought so much this week. I hope that they find a cure for Neuroblastoma, because what happened to Ronan should not happen to ANY child.

  45. Dear Maya,
    Thank you for inspiring us to make a difference in the world and to help others. I’m so sorry for all the pain you, Ronan and your family have gone through. I am so proud of you and want to say thank you for being such an INCREDIBLE mother to Ronan, Liam and Quinn. Many parents are absent, especially when their children are ill and need a lot of care. I work at a children’s hospital and I see this every day. It’s heart-breaking and angering. I wish there were more parents like you. Thank you for all the love and support you gave to your little man. He is so deeply loved and he felt it every second of his life on earth (and still does). Thank you for still being here with your husband and children and choosing to fight instead of fold. Thank you for being such an inspiration and for devoting your life to helping other children fight this disease. Lastly, thank you, dear, sweet, beautiful Ronan for fighting cancer and helping your mama kick its freakin ass.

  46. Such sad statistics… things are certainly on the move and hopefully some of the percentages of funds will be leaning toward Childhood cancer research soon!! Keep up the fight Maya!! You and Ro are forging new paths with thousands standing at your back… soon those paths will be paved in gold and purple. You will be a great Mama to your little Poppy… you have been an amazing mama to all your boys! I am pregnant too and can identify with some of your fears.. I have heard many people say that you love each one slightly differently. I choose to believe that they know what they are talking about. I have followed your story for a long time and while I rarely comment I read every day! My son is about to turn 3 and I keep thinking about how it could happen to me and would I be able to stand up and continue as you do… I think that you must be such the inspiration to all the parents going through a child illness or loss. I get frustrated when I post things and people ask why I want to read sad stuff all the time.. I just tell them its because Ronan and you deserve to be heard.. the sick babies deserve to be heard.. and I choose to live in reality and not pretend that bad things don’t happen. And LOVE to Taylor for showing her RoLove to the world!!!! I wish I could go home to Phoenix more often and actually attend an event !! And YAY! for palmer cash because I can get a bracelet now.. the last time I went home I went in to the Garage Boutique but they didn’t have any 😦

  47. Maya and Ronan,

    I’ve been completely inspired by your love story! I’ve donated to the foundation, purchased Ronan’s beautiful song on iTunes, purchased a Ronan shirt on on palmerscash, try to live each day like a rockstar, and most importantly I’ve shared your story with others.

    Keep fighting the good fight – you and Ronan are making a tremendous impact bringing awareness to childhood cancer!

  48. Dear Maya,

    I wish I didn’t know your name because Ronan was happy and healthy in your arms. It is a shit show you and your family have been dealt and I am so, so sorry.

    Much love,

  49. Maya, I hope you take care of that little blessing that’s growing inside ur tummy. I know its gotta be hard, but try not to stress too much;not good for you or poppy. I hope u start to feel better soon.
    Its horrible to see all the statistics on childhood cancer research and its lack of funds. Now with the whole world knowing of Ronan’s story, I’m sure there will be a change. Take care Maya, and stay strong. Xoxo, Lauren Cortez. Orange,ca

  50. Wow! A lot of commentators now! At any rate.. Your post reminded me of a movie I saw before I had kids… It’s called The Forgotten.. Have you seen it? I didn’t understand until I had kids.. But you will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER forget Ronan. He was your best four years and he grew inside of you.. You helped him grow and be born. That is something no one can ever take from you. Check out the movie.. It’s a good one..

  51. Hi Maya. I can’t begin to explain the effect your story has had on me. I too have a young son and he’s beautiful like Ronan – the kind of beautiful where strangers stop you in stores to tell you and we wonder how on earth he came from us. When I look at pics of Ronan, I see an older version of my boy and I just sobbed and sobbed. I feel like your story has made me a better mother, and perhaps a more patient one and for that I am forever indebted to you.
    I wanted you to know that I’ve always had money withheld from my paycheck for charity, usually for a pet rescue. From now on, it will go to CureSearch (I couldn’t pick the Rowan Foundation as it’s not on the list) to help find a cure for this horrible disease. Please know that you and Ronan made that change; that you have the power to do so.
    As for the new little peanut you’re growing, I have no doubt you will love him/her so much. It will be a different love than what you had for Ronan, which is also different from your twins. Everyone says they love their kids the same, but how can that be when they’re so different? The depth of love will be there though and that’s what matters. From what you’ve said about his love for his brothers, Ronan would have loved a new sibling fiercely and I’m sure you will too.

  52. I want to tell you that as a father of 3 and 6 grandchildren and one on the way i cannot fathom what this must be to endure. My ex wife my youngest daughters Mom died from Cancer in her 50’s. My daughter was her hospice. I know it was so painful. I want you to know I have signed up with the Ronan Foundation to raise funds of at least 1,000 dollars and run the PF Changs half marathon Jan 2013. I will be 1 month shy of 58 but I plan on smoking this thing for Ronan! Here is my site the the foundation helped set up for donations to go to:
    any amount is awesome. I also pray for you to be healed in your heart as well.

  53. Im praying for you and your family .. I’m sorry for your loss, I have 7 children my two younger boys are 5 and 2. So my heart sunk hearing Taylor Swift song on T. V. Last week . I want you to know I’m praying for you.. One day you will see your Lil Baby again..
    Love in Christ ,

  54. Your story has touched me in a way nothing else has. I first heard about “Ronan” on Friday night. Twitter was all a buzz about this song. I looked it up and sure enough it was a new song by Taylor Swift. I pulled it up on youtube and started listening. Then I realized what the song was about and started crying. When it was finished I had to know if it was about a real person. That’s when I found your blog. I read the most recent and then the next day started reading from the very beginning. It’s taken me almost a week to get through it because it’s hard for me to read it and not cry. I bought the song on iTunes and have listened to it about 50 times. You are a strong, beautiful woman. I don’t have any kids yet, but I hope that I have the same strength and courage with my children, as you do with yours. I think little “Poppy” was a miracle sent by Ronan. I’m sure that once that baby is in your arms you will have a lot of love for him/her. I’ve read in your posts that some people have had negative comments. Screw them! You have many more people out there that support you and your family.

  55. Laura in Flagstaff AZ Avatar
    Laura in Flagstaff AZ

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much Cancer sucks, I lost my Mom to it when I was 19. But being a mother and a grandmother I know that that does not even begin to compare to you losing your beautiful boy. My heart broke for you as I read about your dream. I just can’t even imagine what you are going through. This is my first time visiting your site. I am going to poke around some more. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  56. Hi Mrs. Thompson,

    My name is Miranda. I attend the University of South Carolina Upstate. I am very sorry for what has happened to your child because of this awful disease. I am currently trying to see if there is any way i could hold an event on my campus to bring awareness of this cancer here. I am so very sorry that i was not aware of this before, until i heard his song. I apologize for my lack not being very well informed. I hope that i can hold an event on campus for this and bring awareness to those that attend this school as well. If i can get approved for this, i will spread the word as far as i can, and hopefully gain more donors for the foundation and more awareness for this. I pray for others and for you that they find better treatments that will prevent this from happening to anyone else. As you said “no mother should have to outlive their child.”



  57. Maya — you and your family are such an inspiration. Thank you for having the strength to share your story and to continue to raise awareness. I love looking at the photos of beautiful Ronan, what an absolute angel! And I’m sorry for your incredible loss. While I don’t have first hand experience with this horrible disease, I see it’s effects on a daily basis where I work at Johns Hopkins. I also hug my babies a little tighter each day, my youngest was born on May 13th, 2011 and my oldest is just about to turn 4. Along with raising childhood cancer awareness, you’ve also inspired so many to be a better mother (sister, father, friend, etc) and to be greatful for each day we are given.

    Wishing you continued healing and strength.

  58. I have spent the past few days reading your blog after hearing the song. Ronan is honestly the most adorable little boy I have ever seen, his story brought me to tears. I’m so sorry for you and your family. Don’t ever doubt yourself being a bad mother look at what you’ve done for your son you have brought awareness to so many people! You are truly an amazing person, stay strong xoxo

  59. I never knew Ronan even was real untilled the other day when I hear the song, I went and made my best friend listen to this song and we both cried. Her names Carly and she looked up this blog and we called eachother Ans we were both in freaking tears, I mean full blown. This story is touching and sad all in one. God bless.

  60. Trust me Maya, there are alot of people who will want to make a difference in the lives of kids like Ronan and families like yours. I’m a senior in high school and I am so uncertain about what I want to do. I thank you and I thank Ronan for helping me find my way. Whatever I do, I will never, ever forget Ronan.

  61. Through Taylor’s song, I have just learned of your sweet Ronan and your family’s journey. I wish that I was able to meet your amazing boy. You have suffered the unimaginable – something no mother should ever, ever have to go through. Life sucks so bad sometimes. I will never understand why some people have to go through so much. Just know that your story, and your sweet boys life has touched me and so many others. You and I share a sad date-our little boy passed away on May 9 as well. Ours happened in 2006 and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and what he could have been. You are an amazing mama! I’m so glad I was able “meet” Ronan. ❤

  62. I heard Taylor Swift’s song for the first time 3 days ago, and it brought me to your blog. What a beautiful, beautiful, brave little boy. I don’t know the words to say, I wish that I did. Bless you and your family, for your strength and courage in keeping on and fighting this horrible thing. I’m praying for you, and I KNOW that Ronan is watching over his mom from heaven.


  63. You should write down all of your ‘Ron-aries’ — Ronan Memories — in a notebook. The same idea as the movie/book ‘The Notebook’. Maybe that will help rid you of your nasty nightmare. Then you will always have your memories with you in a safe place…that is if you misplace the note book — bad joke sorry, a small attempt at bringing a smile to you. Anyway a notebook of your memories, and maybe not just your memories but your husbands, sons, etc. Just a thought.

  64. Ronan was one of the most handsome little boys i’ve ever seen. i know he’s watching over his mommy. hang in there, honey.

  65. Ronan was one of the most adorable children I have ever laid eyes on. God really blessed you with a special little boy and I know he’s watching over his mommy. Hang in there, honey.

  66. You are an amazing woman. I am so inspired by you. When I think of you and your story..Ronans story..I think of the song “My Wish”-Rascal Flatts. Keep on trucking momma. You have a lot of supporters, and I spread the word for awareness every chance I get.
    “May your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small.”

    Love from Texas!

  67. Dear Maya,

    So many thoughts come to mind reading this post, but I don’t have the words to comfort you like I wish I could. What I will say is that I am so awed by your bravery in being so raw and emotionally honest in this blog. So many people who have suffered the loss of a child, whether to cancer or by another means, tend to put a brave face on for others because they think that’s what people expect. Thank you for being honest with yourself and admitting when you can’t be brave, or strong, or even happy about your new baby, sometimes. You may not realize this, but in addition to spreading so much awareness about the terrible epidemic that is taking our children, you are setting a beautifully honest example of grief, and how to grieve.

    Time is relative, so I never speak about those who’ve passed in the past tense. Regardless of your religious or spiritual beliefs, everyone is still here, always, in some way. So I will say this: Your son Ronan is beautiful. Your other sons are beautiful. And your new baby is beautiful, too. Whatever your worry now, don’t fear that you won’t love your new child as you should…it’s bountifully evident to me that you will.

    I wish you love.


  68. Hi Maya. Like so many others, I found you when my heart broke for the beautiful blue eyed boy Taylor sang about. In a day I read and cried through every one of your blog posts. You may already know about it, but Penn State hosts the largest student-run philanthropy in the world raising millions for pediatric cancer research, treatment, and family support. It is an annual year long fundraising effort that ends with a 48hour dance marathon. The money raised not only has built an entire pediatric cancer medical treatment center, it has committed millions more to research and even more, our “THON families” never see a single bill, it is all paid for behind the scenes so they can focus on their child getting better. As a alumni of 10 years, I still go to Penn State Hershey Medical Center to visit with my THON child. Last year alone we raised over $10.6 Million, for a total of over $89 Million dollars for pediatric cancer research and treatment in all the time we have been doing this. All of that is to say, that I hear you loudly and I agree that not enough is being done to cure this horrible disease. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about pediatric cancer. I met my husband working for this charity and we are still very involved. My hope is that for our part, we are still talking to everyone we know about this devastating disease and the need for more funding. As the largest alumni association in the world, you have hundreds of thousands that were affected by THON while at Penn State and are in your corner, beating the drum loudly for the cause. My heart bleeds for Ronan and the unimaginable the daily struggle you must go through. I promise that I will never forget him, and I will continue to tell his story to anyone who will listen.

  69. Maya, I understand the difficulty of the loss of a child. I too have lost a son. But you can’t give up on YOU or those 2 beautiful boys you still have. You will never forget Ronan. It’s been 18 years for me and I remember the day like it was yesterday. There is no possible way for you to forget him no matter how much time goes by. I still cry but it’s different now. I had 2 more beautiful boys after my first son and I could not possibly love them any more than I do. They are my world. After my first son I wanted to give up on everything. I had no energy or desire to get out of bed. But at some point it finally hit me that I wasn’t ready to give in. That I needed to get back into the swing of things. I needed to get back top whatever ‘normal’ meant. So I created a new normal for me. With each day it does get easier. I’m not going to say better – just different. I finally started to cry less. But it didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about him. 18 years later and there isn’t a day I don’t think about him. So now I feel like I’m starting to ramble. I just hate to see you in this state. I wish you well. Don’t give up on you or your boys. They still need you. And that new baby needs your care starting now. You will love him or her with all your heart just as you did Ronan and your other two boys. Probably something you won’t feel until they arrive. Take care, Maya!

  70. I think I have cried everyday since listening to the song and reading your blog. Maya, you will be an amazing mom to your child have no doubt about that. You maby don’t want to be famous, I wouldn’t, not for such a tragic event but the great thing to come of this is people are listening now and that is important because children should be the most important thing in our lives. Looking at Ronan’s pictures make me cry, I can’t imagine your pain but hang in there, one day we will find a cure and you have started something that is going to be such a big part of that.

  71. Oh mama! I found you through my mama group on fb! We’ve all recently just given birth to our lo, someone posted the song in the group and it just brought me to tears. My heart goes out to you and your family, i cannot begin to imagine how hurt you are. You are definitely a strong woman, and an even more amazing mother to your children.

  72. I know that though everyone is going to compliment Ronan and tell you everything’s going to be okay, it’s not going to make you feel any better. I know that you’re always going to ache for your baby boy, and I know that you probably feel like a piece of your heart is gone. But Ronan’s in a better place, a place much more beautiful than this world.
    I wasn’t lucky enough to get to know Ronan, I wasn’t lucky enough to have him. You were. But I know he was something special, he was an amazing little boy and he’s inspired so many people, Maya. I’m only fifteen and I can’t really say I’ve felt that kind of pain, you know, losing a child like this, but I’m a Swifty and I balled my eyes out to Ronan’s song. And then I just had to search your blogs up.
    Ronan really has inspired people. He’s inspired me. Before this, I wasn’t sure what I was going to college for. But now I know what I want to do. I’m going into Pediatric Oncology. And I swear I’ll do everything I can for my future patients. ♥

  73. Maya you are one of the biggest inspirations to me since terry fox. Your story has deeply touched my heart and has made me realize life is so precious and so many people take life for granted. Ronan was a beautiful little boy and he didn’t die in vain. His name will be known forever as a little hero. Keep doing what you’re doing!!! My mothers friends little boy was diagnosed with a brain tumor and he is being so strong about it and it makes me have hope that one day we WILL find a cure for cancer!

  74. you are such an inspiration. everytime i listen to the song or read your blog. i ball my eyes out. you are so strong.i cant imagine your pain. your doing a great thing. any baby with you as a mom would be lucky. just know Ronan misses you as much as you miss him <\3 thank you for sharing your story with us.

  75. You are one amazing mother and Ronan for sure is smiling down on you!!! I agree with you FUCK YOU CANCER…. Stay strong… Your love story is beyond words…. XoXx

  76. Hi RoMama, I was just on my bed crying to my dad about Ronan, something 16 year olds rarely do. It’s just i had no one else to turn to cause none of my friends understand how much of an impact sweet Ro had on my life, everyday my heart hurts, I always wonder where he is now and I pray that he is looking out for your family and smiling. Last week for my communication studies class I have to do an Internal Assessment for my C.A.P.E exams(I am from Trinidad in the Caribbean) and I told my teacher that you were my inspiration and i wanted to do it on a specific Childhood Cancer. And she laughed at me, there’s no such thing as “Childhood Cancer” she said, at that moment i was so pissed and it made me more determined to do it on that. So many people are uneducated and unaware while our poor babies suffer, poor Ro suffered. I’ve never been more passionate about anything else in my life, and just looking at Ronan gives me courage to go to my exam center and present my speech on Neuroblastoma. Thank you for sharing Ro with me, and being such an inspiring person, I’ve never been that close to my mom, and you’ve shown me what a true mother’s love is like. 🙂

  77. Dear Maya,

    Thank you. Thank you for inspiring millions of people all around the world, myself included. I am a Grade 12 student and I will be applying for universities next month. You said you wanted your story to inspire kids to become doctors to do everything they can to change the face of childhood cancer. Well, you’ve got one right here. I hope to get into life sciences and eventually med school so that I can become a paediatrician. For a long time now, I have been questioning if I can really do this job. I know its not easy, thats for sure, but to me now, I don’t really have a choice. Because of Ronan, because of his wonderful mother and family who have to live without him and because, well, it’s just not right that children get cancer. I don’t know how else to say that but its not right and its not fair and I am willing to do everything I can to change that. I read your blog a couple months ago when I heard of your story through Taylor Swift websites and as soon as she released the name of the song, I knew exactly what it would be about. Because Ronan isn’t easily forgotten. I have been a fan of Taylor’s for many years now and she’s done many amazing things, but I can tell you that I have never been more proud of her. I am so glad that Ronan will now have an even bigger impact on the world, one person at a time.

    Stay FEARLESS and keep fighting! Much love<3

  78. Hello, Little Mama. I just retired as a peds NP, board certified oncology, from one of the top ten nation-wide hospitals In the midwest: Bone Marrow Transplant Unit for 34 years. It was the Agony and The Ecstasy. I want to say I am so so so so fucking sorry that fucking NB stole your beautiful spicy boy. “I NOT SPICY!”, LOL that is so precious, honey! And I want to say fuck you to those horrible staff at the hospice that did not give you the support and guidance and the truth that you deserved. I would have been loving on and taking care of you both. And fuck the medical staff that did not have balls big enough to tell you your baby had about a week to live and what you might possibly expect. Fucking cancer does fucking suck and it hurts so fucking hard. I am proud of you and your baby, Little Mama, and so is your Little Spicy proud of you. He sure tried to put it down, didn’t he?

  79. When people die, no matter who it is, it is one of the biggest incidents in heaven. The room they are in fills with angels and light. The light and life force that comes is so gentle, slow, loving. It envelopes you. It does not rip you out of your body, but slowly moves you as you are ready. You are not afraid. When I saw it, Jesus sat by the bed, talking to me. You remember where we are from, what we are – beings. That life here is a blink of an eye, that you will absolutely 100% see the people you love again, sooner than they think, and that they will be okay, because we are part of a bigger existence that goes beyond here. When you get to heaven it is like a planet. There are mountains, streams, kids running everywhere and love you could never imagine. Light shines everywhere, there is no darkness and no pain. There are houses, like there are here, and everybody has a purpose that they do, like a job/function. Ronan is not alone, he is not afraid. He’s closer to you, nearer to you, than you think. I do not know why your little boy went, but hundreds of thousands of people know about cancer now, and this is going to save thousands of people. If it is possible, and it may never be possible, understand Ronan is not gone. He is in the next universe over, and he hears you, sees you and is very much everywhere you turn. He’s not gone or lost. Just away. He’s accessible to you, through your heart and your spirit. When you talk to him, he hears. You’re a fighter, and you and he are going to put a dent in a horrible sickness that so few people know about. It will never, ever, ever replace this child, or change the suffering, but you and that little man were on a mission and you’ll see.

  80. I just recently graduated from nursing school and have a passion for working with kids with cancer. They are truly the most inspirational people that I have ever met!! Even though they are going through a terrible time in their life, they still somehow find the good in life and people. When anyone asks me “Why would you ever want to go into pediatric oncology? That seems so depressing.” I always tell them that it is going to be hard and I am going to have many sad days at work, but by the time I retire in over 30 years there will be a cure for these kids!!!!! I have told many people about your blog and it makes me more excited for the years to come in my career. Good luck with the new baby…..I hope for the best for you in the years to come!

  81. You have no idea what went through my head reading this. I was in english class and we were all readig this article. It just hit me that theres more to life then what we think. My 9 uear old sister had neuroblastoma but it was found in stage one. I didnt really understand what was going on I was only six but now knowing that my sister was a miracle baby is such a blessing and you helped me see that. I found out that she was one of the only babies that had neutoblastoma without going through kemo the doctor was amazed. I just wanted to say thank you and stay strong

  82. Hello, I am not going to sit here and tell you that I know what your going through because I don’t and I honestly hope I never do. But I do want to say you have to be as strong as you can for your other children and the beautiful baby that God is going to give to you! I encourage you to sit down with a bible and just start any where and I promise you will find something that will make you stronger! My mom has Lyme disease and I remember when I was younger and how sad it made me sad when she had to lay down all the time but during your pregnancy you do need to rest! Tell your husband that you really need him to be with you and your children you can’t get over your beautiful son passing away its just not going to happen but you can become stronger! I pray for you and your family I really do. Don’t you worry I think God has put you through enough you will be an amazing mother!

  83. Funny, isn’t it? I celebrated my birthday that day without knowing a boy named Ronan out there existed. But now I do and I regret not spending my birthday money on something meaningful like this.
    I heard about Ronan from Taylor Swift’s song. I’m a huge fan of hers.
    I’m only 14 but my friend nearly died of cancer when she was young. And it freaked the life out of me. I can’t imagine how it feels like for a mother.
    There’s something I learnt and I wanna share it.
    Never give up. There’s no such thing as an ending,only a new beginning.
    Although Ronan may be gone, he will always be remembered by the people who loved him. Continue to do ur duty as a mother by caring for the rest of ur family.
    This is an overly long comment I highly doubt anyone would see._.
    God bless you,ur family and Ronan

    P.S. Fuck cancer

  84. I can’t go one day without thinking of Ronan!
    That poor beautiful boy! I cry almost every night thinking of Ronan!!!

    Love you Ronan

  85. Wow! I am a nursing Student that loves kids and have Been following your blog! I always wanted to work with kids but thought it would be too sad! Always wondered if it was appropriate to cry. If not then I wouldn’t work with kids! But this makes me think I should work with kids and even as a nurse it’s ok to cry!! I hate to see sick kids but just want to be there for them and bring them a little bit of joy!!

  86. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. As I share the same name as your child I was intreuged to look at your story an just wanted to say that my condolences are with you an your family

  87. […] She isn’t afraid to use some language.  Who can blame her, though. Read her post here: Dear Ronan, I’m freaking too tired. Too tired to even name this post tonight. – – – – – Seriously, I can’t thank Gretchen enough for sharing her heart and […]

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