Ronan. Yesterday, it was 16 months without you. It seems like 16 years. I meant to write, but I was so wiped out that I could not even form a thought or hold my head up for that matter. Due to this little Poppy growing in my tummy, I have been spending a lot of time with my head in the toilet bowl. So much has happened. I’ll go back to Thursday I suppose. It had been a whole week since I had been keeping the Taylor secret. I was proud of myself for doing such a good job. I was on the phone with one of her people, that has been so kindly guiding me through all of this. I was sitting on our bathroom floor, next to my bathtub where I used to love to bathe you. I said to Taylor’s friend, “I have so many questions, but do you know what the biggest one is? I don’t even know the name of the song. Can you tell it to me?” He paused for a minute. “I can tell it to you, but I’m just going to make you cry more.” “Hit me with it,” I said. “I’m ready.” It was quiet for a few more seconds. “Ronan,” he said. I think I blacked out for a few seconds. I was not prepared for that answer. “What?” I whispered? “She named the song, Ronan?” “She did,” he said to me. Once again, I went into shock. She could have named the song anything. But she didn’t. This was the ultimate tribute to you. I hung up after a few more minutes, the tears pouring down my cheeks still. I emailed my board members and it went a little something like this.
Subject: I know the name of the song…
That’s all I said. The phone calls came next. I picked up for Stacy. She was in the middle of a meeting and had to get up and leave, due to the snot pouring of our her nose. I don’t think we said much at first, we just listened to each other cry. When words were formed, it went a little something like, “I can’t believe she did that. But of course she did that, because it is perfect and pure and heartfelt, just like everything else this girl does. But I still cannot believe she named the song after him. Everyone is going to know his name.” We sat in silence for a few more minutes as we were both crying so hard we couldn’t compose ourselves enough to even talk. I drove to your daddy’s office to sit with him about this. We both were a teary eyed mess. This was Thursday. It was a lot to take in and a lot to wrap my head around. I fell asleep that night so exhausted from all the crying, but I only slept for a few hours. I was woken up by a text message around 3:45 a.m. Katie sent me a text saying, “I think the story has leaked.” Her text message included a picture of an online story with the name of Taylor’s new song, “Ronan.” I jumped out of bed. “Shit!” I didn’t know if this was the way this was supposed to play out. My phone started blowing up with text messages and phone calls. I tried to remain calm. Focus. Deep breaths. It’s Friday. Taylor’s song is on tonight. You have a big day ahead of you. Shower. Get boys up. Make breakfast. Boys off to school like it is just another normal day, not a totally insane is this really happening day. House is quiet. Heather stopped by. Mandy Bee stopped by too. Did I forget to mention it started pouring down rain earlier in the morning? Not just a slight drizzle, but buckets of rain as if the sky had opened up. I went out and danced in the rain for you and blew kisses up to the sky. I know the rain was from you. It always is. The weather peeps on TV were so puzzled by this downpour. I felt like calling them up and saying, “Hello, it’s just my son, Ronan, crying his thousands of tears for me, on this very emotional day. He always does this for me, on the days I need it the most because he knows the rain makes me smile.” I was sitting there, watching the rain, when Fernanda showed up.
I opened the door, flew into her arms, and nuzzled into her neck, the way I used to do with you. I always do this to her. We held each other for a few minutes and both cried. We talked all about the rain and how it is proof that you are right here with us. Always. My keeper of the best rainy days that exist on the days that I need them most. After that, it was operation get Maya the fuck out of the house, because here comes the media. I was swept off like a fugitive to a secret location so we could deal with the storm that was headed our way. And I’m not just talking about the weather. The rest of the day was spent dealing with phone calls, website stuff, emails, all while we watched the rain continue to pour down. I was running off a few hours of sleep, not to mention Poppy had sucked all the life out of me as well, but I just rolled through my exhaustion into the Taylor Swift night. We gathered with some close friends, huddled around some TV’s to watch Taylor’s performance. Everyone was crying, before Taylor even took the stage, to sing. I sat close to your daddy, gripping his hand for dear life. I watched as Taylor came on the screen. I had a moment of panic wash over me. “No, no, no. I’m not ready for this.” I took a deep breath. I looked at your daddy, his eyes were already watering. I think I left my body at this point. I couldn’t even focus on the words that were coming out of Taylor’s mouth. All I could see was the raw emotion, sadness, beauty, and pain that filled her face. She looked like an angel. At this point, I’m pretty sure I had snot dripping down my face and my mascara had completely washed off, leaving black streaks running down my cheeks. The song ended. I was frozen. I looked at Taylor’s eyes on that screen. She gets this in a way that so many others do not. Her eyes burned into my soul and it was if I could feel every ounce of emotion that she was displaying on T.V. and she could feel mine. I looked at your daddy and said, “Was the song good?” I was so removed from myself at this point and distracted by the way Taylor looked, singing our words, that I couldn’t even form an opinion. I shouldn’t even have asked the question because it was obvious from looking around the room that the song was not only good, but it was absolute perfection, in the purest form possible. I somehow made it through the next hour. It was time to go and I got into the car with your daddy and brothers. We drove off to get food as we were all starving. We took my iPhone and put Taylor’s song on in the car, to listen to it once again, as a family. I held your daddy’s hand as I listened to Taylor’s words. I looked out the window. It had started raining again. Of course it had. The rain matched the tears that were once again, pouring down my cheeks, perfectly. Those lyrics. My words. She got them so perfectly right. Every single little detail about your life and your death. The way she portrayed my grieving, broken heart. “Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say…” All the little details, meant so much to me. She was the one meant to sing your song. Nobody else, could have made it complete and utter magic while filling it with such raw sadness and beauty. I truly believe you picked her to do this, Ronan. There is a reason she could not forget about you and your big blue eyes, that is beyond just Taylor and myself. I truly believe this is all you and Taylor listening to heart, which has turned this song into what I think, is the best song of her life. I am so moved by her and the vulnerability she displayed while singing this song. That took it to an entirely different level for me.
We all went to dinner, like the perfect little family I know we look like. The perfect little family with the biggest piece of the puzzle missing that the strangers in the restaurant cannot see. I wonder how they do not see the blatant pain on all of our faces that always seem to be there. I always feel like I am walking around with one of my arms chopped off. You know I have a hard time sitting in restaurants now. I try my hardest to tune out the conversations around us. Lots of people complaining about things that I will never complain about again. Lots of laugher fills the room, but it’s not coming from our table. Our table is one of sadness, with moments of smiles here and there, moments of talking about you and what an awesome little basketball player you would have been this year. Tears fall. I wipe them away before your brothers see. Thoughts of Taylor fill my head and the gift of eternal life she has just given to us, fill me with a bittersweet calmness that I’m not used to feeling anymore. That is the gift she has given to us. A way to keep you alive in the hearts of millions, that I would have never been able to reach. She is giving so many, the gift of you and our story, that is so worthy of knowing. The story of true love and how powerful it can be when it comes from such a pure place. How good things can come from the worst thing imaginable happening if one chooses to gather strength from it, instead of letting it destroy them like it can so easily do. I wonder what the people reading this on here, are thinking. The one’s who gave up on me during my darkest hours. The one’s who told me things like this story was like watching a bad car accident, but they couldn’t look away. The one’s that told me I was a train wreck waiting to happen. The one’s that told me they couldn’t wait for the day your daddy came to his senses and up and left me, due to all the awful things they thought I was doing, which was being open and honest about how painful it is to try to get through something like this. The one’s who told me my heart was ugly, black and broken and how it would never heal. The one’s who told me I was not going to do anything with this because I am a selfish person. The one’s who told me they could not longer support you or me, due to the nature of all of this. I wonder if this story, now makes them cry because of how it’s changed shape and form and is turning into something so beautiful right in front of their very eyes. I hope this story has changed their hearts. I hope this story opens their eyes to some very important things, like how just having simple compassion for human beings who are hurting so badly from the worst pain imaginable, can go such a very long way. It’s one of the reasons I am still here and continue to fight this fight. Because of the compassion and love that fills my life in the form of friends, family, strangers, and now Taylor. That Taylor Swift believes in us so much, she wrote a song just for you. To me, that tells me what I am doing is right. That by listening to my heart in this journey, there are no limits to how far this can take us. To the moon and back, right Ro? I have big plans for us. The biggest. Thanks for never letting go of my hand. I love you so much, little man.
I must go. I am beyond beat. I spent most of the weekend lying low for all the beautiful things that I know are going to keep me busy in the weeks to come. I had a date with Liam on Saturday. He is the sweetest. What kind of 9-year-old, knows to open his mama’s car door for her, when she is getting in the driver’s seat after a movie date? The kind of 9-year-old that has a daddy like yours. The best. I missed you so much when he did that for me. It made me so sad to know that is something you will never do. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll