The election is over! Now, we can focus on turning the White House Gold for September and save some kids!

Ronan. I am having a hard time breathing. I can’t tell if it’s grief that is trying to suffocate me or Poppy. Either way it is making this life without you, harder than normal. I didn’t know that was possible. I spent the weekend at home, doing normal things with your daddy and brothers. The kinds of things we would have been doing, if you were still here. The things I have the hardest time doing now in life. Those simple easy things in life that I used to love so much but now I feel as doing them is harder than running a marathon. Without training. Liam was still a little under the weather. I tended to him and we went to bed pretty early on Saturday. It’s all I can do to make it to 9:00 p.m. without passing out. This growing a baby business is a lot of work. One that I am not a huge fan of. I never have been. The outcome is of course so worth it, but I have never been one of those women who enjoys pregnancy. It feels like a prison. I am trying to stay positive, but it’s hard to all of a sudden feel like you are just stuck in quicksand and there is nothing you can do to get out of it. Before I was pregnant, I had so many physical outlets that kept me sane. I could blow off steam so well with an easy breezy 8 mile run. Now I am panting at climbing a flight of stairs. So mentally and physically I am having a hard time getting out all of my grief in the ways in which I would before which may be another reason for my feeling of constant suffocation. I’ve been throwing myself into working on things for your foundation. That is saving my sanity a little bit I suppose. It is saving the shred of sanity that I have left.

Last night we had tickets to see my boyfriend, Eddie Vedder in concert. One of our little lovies, somehow got 6 front row seats where I got to sit about 10 feet away from Eddie as he gazed into my eyes and sang to me the entire night. That might be exaggerating a little bit but an over active imagination is healthy. He played our favorites. I was not the only one with tears streaming down my face as he sang our song, “Just Breathe.” I think everyone that was there with us, had them streaming down their cheeks too. I tried to fight it, but eventually the lump in my throat became too big and the tears came next. Buckets of them. I wiped them away and pictured you running up on the stage as Eddie sang his song, only the way he can. One that makes you get completely lost in another world. I, as always, was lost in the little world of yours. It’s my favorite place to be. I know Eddie had some Ronan ESP going on as next to last song was the one and only Neil Young’s, “Keep on Rocking in the Free World.” You’re telling me that was a coincidence? I know it was not. It was you working your magic in the ways that you always do. My entire body ached for you and I had flashbacks to the way you used to dance to that song. Thanks, Eddie V for playing it just for Ro last night. I know you did that for him. I could not have thought of a better way to end the night, then with that.

Today, I woke up bright and early. For going to bed so late last night, I woke up before the sun came up. I tossed and turned for about an hour before finally getting up. I had nothing of real importance to do today, but I was restless anyway. I ran some errands and went to the office. I worked through much of the afternoon on some foundation things and had about a half an hour phone interview. This one was hard for some reason. I forget what question it was exactly that I was trying to answer, but I know I had to stop myself and apologize for the sobbing that was taking place on my end of the phone. I think I remember telling the lady on the other end of the phone something about my last words to you and how I told you how sorry I was over and over again. She asked me what I was sorry about. I told her how I promised you I would save you and get you better and the fact that I didn’t or couldn’t will make me sorry for ┬áthe rest of my life. She asked if I thought you knew that you were dying. I think about that question a lot. I told her that I did not think that you did. How some of your last words to me were, “I don’t want anymore sleepy medicine.” I told her how you had to be put under anesthesia a lot and how I think you thought you were just going to sleep, but you would wake up again. I think about this so much in my head, all the time. I wonder if I should have told you that you were going to sleep forever. I didn’t. I don’t know if I should have or not. I’m so sorry you are sleeping forever and won’t ever wake up. I will forever have post traumatic stress over this. No mama should have to kiss her babies lips one last time and to be expected to live a life without kissing them again. Being a parent to a dead child is the hardest job in the world. Much harder than being the parent to kids who are alive and well. Being the parent to a dead child is the hardest kind of parent to be. I don’t think anybody in the outside world realizes this. It’s a truth I never thought I would know. It’s a truth that I will forever wish I didn’t know.

I had a board meeting last night at our new office. All of the girls were so excited. It was so nice to be able to have a space to go, that was not our own house. Our board meeting was long. A good 4 hours last night but we got a lot done as we always do. I woke up this morning with a big to do list. I got a lot of it done but by noon I knew I had reached my limit for the day. The little sleep I got last night combined with a raging headache led me to driving home and crawling in bed for a few hours. I took about a half an hour power nap but then had to get up to get some things done. Your daddy picked up your brothers from school and we all went out to grab a bite to eat as the cooking was just not happening tonight. I find myself sitting back and listening to your daddy a lot and the way he talks to your brothers and explains so much about the world to them. Once again, that bittersweet word will be used again because it is so bittersweet to hear the things they are learning and knowing you should be here, learning them, too. Tonight at dinner your daddy talked about everything from Shakespeare to the election. I watched them soak it all up like little sponges. They are so lucky to have a daddy like yours. Tonight, sitting at one of our favorite restaurants, I felt pretty lucky. Not every child grows up with a daddy like yours. So I felt lucky for that. Your brothers are amazing little boys and I know a big part of this is due to the strong male figure they have in their life. They are happy, loved, and have been through the worst, only to watch as we have survived it all. I feel like a bit of their self-confidence and security is coming back. I know this could have shaped them either direction. I am thankful that our situation has only seemed to make them stronger and have a love for our family ┬áthat is so strong because they understand how precious it is. Such hard lessons for young boys but I know this will make them stronger men. Of course you know I would rather have you here and not have to have them “learn,” any of this. I am just doing my best to be grateful for the things I have that are tangible to me, like your brothers brave little hearts.

I gotta go little man. Lots to do, always for you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. I am not going to get into politics on here but I am so glad the election is over. I took Poppy to vote yesterday and we as a family had such fun last night watching the polls. It was a good night. I am so glad we can now focus on turning that White House Gold for September. I have faith that our President will do the right thing and make this happen. There are too many babes dying. A change has to come. I am thankful for President Obama and the Creating Hope Act. It’s time to take this to the next level and with all of you on our side, I know this can happen! Love you all, so much!

G’nite Halloween. Thank you for being over.

Ronan. This is my second Halloween without you. I survived. I woke up today, feeling alright. I went to my office and got a lot of things done. Most everybody came dressed up in a costume. They had me chuckling most of the morning with their creativity and fun. It felt really good to be able to laugh this morning and I thought I was going to be o.k. After getting so much stuff done that I thought my head was going to explode, I snuck out of the office to go run some errands. I was on a mission to find white face paint for Quinn and was having a hard time tracking it down. After about 3 stops later, mission white face paint was a success. I ran to see your Mr. Sparkly Eyes and bring him a coffee. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, my eyes started to water and the tears started falling. I kept hearing Taylor’s song play over and over in my head again. “And its about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here.” I started thinking about our last Halloween together and then my mind started worrying about you, like I always do so much. Where are you? Who is taking care of you? What are you doing? Do you know how much I miss you? I know you miss me just as much. Why did you have to be taken away? I looked at myself in the mirror and wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, grabbed your Sparkly’s coffee and apple and headed inside.

I sat down and waited. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. No crying today. Soon, your Sparkly appeared and sat down next to me. “Hi. Are you o.k.?” he asked. I just got up and wrapped my arms around him while I avoided his eyes. I sat back down and the flood of tears came next. “Hey, it’s o.k. it’s just another day. I know, it was his favorite day. I know it’s hard today, but you will get though it like you get through everything else.” I didn’t really say much. I couldn’t because I couldn’t even breathe. I just sat and wiped away my tears for a few minutes. “I have to feed Poppy. She is a vegetarian.” I broke out the apple I brought for him and my little veggie snack pack for your Poppy. I sat and we ate while catching up on some things. I guess at one point he had me laughing which I didn’t even notice, but our Sparkly told me it was nice to see me smile. I still don’t smile as much as I used to. I miss it sometimes. The rest of our conversation floated back and forth between you and Poppy. He also told me he thinks I should have about 3 more kids after this one. I told him he was crazy and that being pregnant was not good for my mental state of mind. He said he didn’t think anything was good for my mental state of mind because how could it ever be after going through something like this. Exactly. Nothing will fix this, Poppy included. But we all know that she will bring a little piece of you back and the little bit of happiness that is missing from our lives. We all need her. Your Sparkly included. I left your Sparkly and he told me to just do my best today, to get through tonight, and go to bed. I told him I would indeed do my best, for Liam and Quinn’s sake. That is just what I did.

I picked your brothers up from school. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was shut my door, take a bunch of sleeping pills and never wake up again. I let my mind go there for about 5 seconds and knew that was of course, not an option. Instead, I got your brothers all ready for the night. I sat Quinn down and painted his face for his KISS costume. Apparently, I have missed my one of my other many callings in life which is a make-up artist. His face turned out awesome and he was so excited. We headed out to our dear friends, The Willets for some trick or treating. The place where we last took you. It was hard. Everything about today and tonight was hard as I imagine it always will be. This might be the hardest holiday to try to celebrate, without you. Your daddy and I somehow survived. We are both so thankful for good friends. We are both so glad to be home and in bed. Your brothers had a great time and that is all I could ask of for tonight. It is all I wanted besides you back with us all. I’m so sorry, Ro. I hate that we are apart more than anything in the world. Every 4-year-old was out tonight. They were everywhere, but you were nowhere to be found. I will never understand any of this.

This is all I can write tonight as I can hardly keep my eyes open. I did have an ultrasound yesterday. Poppy is still a Poppy. I am so thankful for that. I really think having another little boy, would have been so hard for me. I know I would have loved him so much, but the reminders of everything you… another little boy who wasn’t you, mentally would have been tough to deal with. A little girl is something so different. Something I have never experienced. I am really, really thankful you made her a girl. Thanks, Ro baby. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

You were absolutely, my best four years.

Ronan. Yesterday, it was 16 months without you. It seems like 16 years. I meant to write, but I was so wiped out that I could not even form a thought or hold my head up for that matter. Due to this little Poppy growing in my tummy, I have been spending a lot of time with my head in the toilet bowl. So much has happened. I’ll go back to Thursday I suppose. It had been a whole week since I had been keeping the Taylor secret. I was proud of myself for doing such a good job. I was on the phone with one of her people, that has been so kindly guiding me through all of this. I was sitting on our bathroom floor, next to my bathtub where I used to love to bathe you. I said to Taylor’s friend, “I have so many questions, but do you know what the biggest one is? I don’t even know the name of the song. Can you tell it to me?” He paused for a minute. “I can tell it to you, but I’m just going to make you cry more.” “Hit me with it,” I said. “I’m ready.” It was quiet for a few more seconds. “Ronan,” he said. I think I blacked out for a few seconds. I was not prepared for that answer. “What?” I whispered? “She named the song, Ronan?” “She did,” he said to me. Once again, I went into shock. She could have named the song anything. But she didn’t. This was the ultimate tribute to you. I hung up after a few more minutes, the tears pouring down my cheeks still. I emailed my board members and it went a little something like this.

Subject: I know the name of the song…

Ronan.

That’s all I said. The phone calls came next. I picked up for Stacy. She was in the middle of a meeting and had to get up and leave, due to the snot pouring of our her nose. I don’t think we said much at first, we just listened to each other cry. When words were formed, it went a little something like, “I can’t believe she did that. But of course she did that, because it is perfect and pure and heartfelt, just like everything else this girl does. But I still cannot believe she named the song after him. Everyone is going to know his name.” We sat in silence for a few more minutes as we were both crying so hard we couldn’t compose ourselves enough to even talk. I drove to your daddy’s office to sit with him about this. We both were a teary eyed mess. This was Thursday. It was a lot to take in and a lot to wrap my head around. I fell asleep that night so exhausted from all the crying, but I only slept for a few hours. I was woken up by a text message around 3:45 a.m. Katie sent me a text saying, “I think the story has leaked.” Her text message included a picture of an online story with the name of Taylor’s new song, “Ronan.” I jumped out of bed. “Shit!” I didn’t know if this was the way this was supposed to play out. My phone started blowing up with text messages and phone calls. I tried to remain calm. Focus. Deep breaths. It’s Friday. Taylor’s song is on tonight. You have a big day ahead of you. Shower. Get boys up. Make breakfast. Boys off to school like it is just another normal day, not a totally insane is this really happening day. House is quiet. Heather stopped by. Mandy Bee stopped by too. Did I forget to mention it started pouring down rain earlier in the morning? Not just a slight drizzle, but buckets of rain as if the sky had opened up. I went out and danced in the rain for you and blew kisses up to the sky. I know the rain was from you. It always is. The weather peeps on TV were so puzzled by this downpour. I felt like calling them up and saying, “Hello, it’s just my son, Ronan, crying his thousands of tears for me, on this very emotional day. He always does this for me, on the days I need it the most because he knows the rain makes me smile.” I was sitting there, watching the rain, when Fernanda showed up.

I opened the door, flew into her arms, and nuzzled into her neck, the way I used to do with you. I always do this to her. We held each other for a few minutes and both cried. We talked all about the rain and how it is proof that you are right here with us. Always. My keeper of the best rainy days that exist on the days that I need them most. After that, it was operation get Maya the fuck out of the house, because here comes the media. I was swept off like a fugitive to a secret location so we could deal with the storm that was headed our way. And I’m not just talking about the weather. The rest of the day was spent dealing with phone calls, website stuff, emails, all while we watched the rain continue to pour down. I was running off a few hours of sleep, not to mention Poppy had sucked all the life out of me as well, but I just rolled through my exhaustion into the Taylor Swift night. We gathered with some close friends, huddled around some TV’s to watch Taylor’s performance. Everyone was crying, before Taylor even took the stage, to sing. I sat close to your daddy, gripping his hand for dear life. I watched as Taylor came on the screen. I had a moment of panic wash over me. “No, no, no. I’m not ready for this.” I took a deep breath. I looked at your daddy, his eyes were already watering. I think I left my body at this point. I couldn’t even focus on the words that were coming out of Taylor’s mouth. All I could see was the raw emotion, sadness, beauty, and pain that filled her face. She looked like an angel. At this point, I’m pretty sure I had snot dripping down my face and my mascara had completely washed off, leaving black streaks running down my cheeks. The song ended. I was frozen. I looked at Taylor’s eyes on that screen. She gets this in a way that so many others do not. Her eyes burned into my soul and it was if I could feel every ounce of emotion that she was displaying on T.V. and she could feel mine. I looked at your daddy and said, “Was the song good?” I was so removed from myself at this point and distracted by the way Taylor looked, singing our words, that I couldn’t even form an opinion. I shouldn’t even have asked the question because it was obvious from looking around the room that the song was not only good, but it was absolute perfection, in the purest form possible. I somehow made it through the next hour. It was time to go and I got into the car with your daddy and brothers. We drove off to get food as we were all starving. We took my iPhone and put Taylor’s song on in the car, to listen to it once again, as a family. I held your daddy’s hand as I listened to Taylor’s words. I looked out the window. It had started raining again. Of course it had. The rain matched the tears that were once again, pouring down my cheeks, perfectly. Those lyrics. My words. She got them so perfectly right. Every single little detail about your life and your death. The way she portrayed my grieving, broken heart. “Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say…” All the little details, meant so much to me. She was the one meant to sing your song. Nobody else, could have made it complete and utter magic while filling it with such raw sadness and beauty. I truly believe you picked her to do this, Ronan. There is a reason she could not forget about you and your big blue eyes, that is beyond just Taylor and myself. I truly believe this is all you and Taylor listening to heart, which has turned this song into what I think, is the best song of her life. I am so moved by her and the vulnerability she displayed while singing this song. That took it to an entirely different level for me.

We all went to dinner, like the perfect little family I know we look like. The perfect little family with the biggest piece of the puzzle missing that the strangers in the restaurant cannot see. I wonder how they do not see the blatant pain on all of our faces that always seem to be there. I always feel like I am walking around with one of my arms chopped off. You know I have a hard time sitting in restaurants now. I try my hardest to tune out the conversations around us. Lots of people complaining about things that I will never complain about again. Lots of laugher fills the room, but it’s not coming from our table. Our table is one of sadness, with moments of smiles here and there, moments of talking about you and what an awesome little basketball player you would have been this year. Tears fall. I wipe them away before your brothers see. Thoughts of Taylor fill my head and the gift of eternal life she has just given to us, fill me with a bittersweet calmness that I’m not used to feeling anymore. That is the gift she has given to us. A way to keep you alive in the hearts of millions, that I would have never been able to reach. She is giving so many, the gift of you and our story, that is so worthy of knowing. The story of true love and how powerful it can be when it comes from such a pure place. How good things can come from the worst thing imaginable happening if one chooses to gather strength from it, instead of letting it destroy them like it can so easily do. I wonder what the people reading this on here, are thinking. The one’s who gave up on me during my darkest hours. The one’s who told me things like this story was like watching a bad car accident, but they couldn’t look away. The one’s that told me I was a train wreck waiting to happen. The one’s that told me they couldn’t wait for the day your daddy came to his senses and up and left me, due to all the awful things they thought I was doing, which was being open and honest about how painful it is to try to get through something like this. The one’s who told me my heart was ugly, black and broken and how it would never heal. The one’s who told me I was not going to do anything with this because I am a selfish person. The one’s who told me they could not longer support you or me, due to the nature of all of this. I wonder if this story, now makes them cry because of how it’s changed shape and form and is turning into something so beautiful right in front of their very eyes. I hope this story has changed their hearts. I hope this story opens their eyes to some very important things, like how just having simple compassion for human beings who are hurting so badly from the worst pain imaginable, can go such a very long way. It’s one of the reasons I am still here and continue to fight this fight. Because of the compassion and love that fills my life in the form of friends, family, strangers, and now Taylor. That Taylor Swift believes in us so much, she wrote a song just for you. To me, that tells me what I am doing is right. That by listening to my heart in this journey, there are no limits to how far this can take us. To the moon and back, right Ro? I have big plans for us. The biggest. Thanks for never letting go of my hand. I love you so much, little man.

I must go. I am beyond beat. I spent most of the weekend lying low for all the beautiful things that I know are going to keep me busy in the weeks to come. I had a date with Liam on Saturday. He is the sweetest. What kind of 9-year-old, knows to open his mama’s car door for her, when she is getting in the driver’s seat after a movie date? The kind of 9-year-old that has a daddy like yours. The best. I missed you so much when he did that for me. It made me so sad to know that is something you will never do. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll

xoxo

This just keeps getting more and more amazing. Thank you, Taylor for fighting the good fight with us.