Month: October 2012

G’nite Halloween. Thank you for being over.

Ronan. This is my second Halloween without you. I survived. I woke up today, feeling alright. I went to my office and got a lot of things done. Most everybody came dressed up in a costume. They had me chuckling most of the morning with their creativity and fun. It felt really good to be able to laugh this morning and I thought I was going to be o.k. After getting so much stuff done that I thought my head was going to explode, I snuck out of the office to go run some errands. I was on a mission to find white face paint for Quinn and was having a hard time tracking it down. After about 3 stops later, mission white face paint was a success. I ran to see your Mr. Sparkly Eyes and bring him a coffee. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, my eyes started to water and the tears started falling. I kept hearing Taylor’s song play over and over in my head again. “And its about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here.” I started thinking about our last Halloween together and then my mind started worrying about you, like I always do so much. Where are you? Who is taking care of you? What are you doing? Do you know how much I miss you? I know you miss me just as much. Why did you have to be taken away? I looked at myself in the mirror and wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, grabbed your Sparkly’s coffee and apple and headed inside.

I sat down and waited. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. No crying today. Soon, your Sparkly appeared and sat down next to me. “Hi. Are you o.k.?” he asked. I just got up and wrapped my arms around him while I avoided his eyes. I sat back down and the flood of tears came next. “Hey, it’s o.k. it’s just another day. I know, it was his favorite day. I know it’s hard today, but you will get though it like you get through everything else.” I didn’t really say much. I couldn’t because I couldn’t even breathe. I just sat and wiped away my tears for a few minutes. “I have to feed Poppy. She is a vegetarian.” I broke out the apple I brought for him and my little veggie snack pack for your Poppy. I sat and we ate while catching up on some things. I guess at one point he had me laughing which I didn’t even notice, but our Sparkly told me it was nice to see me smile. I still don’t smile as much as I used to. I miss it sometimes. The rest of our conversation floated back and forth between you and Poppy. He also told me he thinks I should have about 3 more kids after this one. I told him he was crazy and that being pregnant was not good for my mental state of mind. He said he didn’t think anything was good for my mental state of mind because how could it ever be after going through something like this. Exactly. Nothing will fix this, Poppy included. But we all know that she will bring a little piece of you back and the little bit of happiness that is missing from our lives. We all need her. Your Sparkly included. I left your Sparkly and he told me to just do my best today, to get through tonight, and go to bed. I told him I would indeed do my best, for Liam and Quinn’s sake. That is just what I did.

I picked your brothers up from school. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was shut my door, take a bunch of sleeping pills and never wake up again. I let my mind go there for about 5 seconds and knew that was of course, not an option. Instead, I got your brothers all ready for the night. I sat Quinn down and painted his face for his KISS costume. Apparently, I have missed my one of my other many callings in life which is a make-up artist. His face turned out awesome and he was so excited. We headed out to our dear friends, The Willets for some trick or treating. The place where we last took you. It was hard. Everything about today and tonight was hard as I imagine it always will be. This might be the hardest holiday to try to celebrate, without you. Your daddy and I somehow survived. We are both so thankful for good friends. We are both so glad to be home and in bed. Your brothers had a great time and that is all I could ask of for tonight. It is all I wanted besides you back with us all. I’m so sorry, Ro. I hate that we are apart more than anything in the world. Every 4-year-old was out tonight. They were everywhere, but you were nowhere to be found. I will never understand any of this.

This is all I can write tonight as I can hardly keep my eyes open. I did have an ultrasound yesterday. Poppy is still a Poppy. I am so thankful for that. I really think having another little boy, would have been so hard for me. I know I would have loved him so much, but the reminders of everything you… another little boy who wasn’t you, mentally would have been tough to deal with. A little girl is something so different. Something I have never experienced. I am really, really thankful you made her a girl. Thanks, Ro baby. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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Run Like A Rockstar!

 

 

 

The Ronan Thompson Foundation is one of the official charities for the P.F. Changs Marathon in Phoenix, Arizona. Do you want to run for a great cause? All the information you need to sign up is below, just click on the link. I know you have it in you! If kids can fight cancer, anyone can run a half or full marathon! So get after it, peeps!

xoxo

http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/node/257

I know I need Poppy, but I truly think your brothers need her more.

Got the sweetest card today. Thanks, Noah’s grandma. Made my day. xxoo

Ronan. I am at my office on a Saturday being very productive. I am online researching all the genetic diseases Poppy is going to be born with, because clearly she is going to die. I wish I could say I was joking about my past hour of “research,” but I am not. I had to stop myself because I was getting physically sick to my stomach. I wish my dark mind did not work this way. I wish I were still the naive mom who didn’t know anything about the death of a child. My mind likes to try to go to these dark places a lot. It is a full-time job to keep these obsessive, destructive thoughts away. But sometimes, I just have to go there because I get tired of all the fighting it. I am not naive. I do not live in a bubble. I know these realities, much too well.

Your brothers had a basketball game today. I drove separately because they were going to the ASU game with your daddy right after their basketball game. I was in A.J.’s grabbing some fruit to munch on for the game. Your daddy sent me a text that said, “Liam needs you.” I threw down my fruit and ran out the door, over to The Village to see what was going on. Liam never needs me. I got to the basketball court and asked your daddy what was going on. He said that Liam had a full on breakdown in the car on the way over to the game where he was crying about you and how much he wishes you were there to watch him. Liam was warming up and I gently went over to him and pulled him to the side. “Hey, Dad told me what happened in the car, buddy. I’m sorry.” He looked up at me with his big hazel eyes and I watched as they started to form tears. It took everything I had, not to break down and cry right there in front of him. I knew I could not. I had to give him a little strong pep talk. I think it went something like this…”Ronan is always watching you. He is always right her with us. I know he is so proud of you. I know he is the reason your team in undefeated this year, Liam. He is the reason you are playing basketball so well this year, because you get your strength, from him. I know you are going to go out there, and have such a great game and Ronan is watching every single second of it. Even though you can’t see him, I promise you he is with you.” He put on his little brave face and ran back out on the court after that. He had one of the best games I’ve ever seen him play in my life. I don’t feel happy very often anymore, but watching your brothers play on the same team, high-fiving each other after one of them makes a basket or has a great assist, makes my heart skip a beat. This little Poppy that I have growing inside me, could not have come at a better time, Ronan. We all so need her. As of right now, I think it’s your brothers who need her the most. They need her more than I do, as of now. She is going to be such a gift to us all, but especially to them. I know she will make the pain in their eyes, a little less.

I have to go to Costco today. As in, I have been sitting here for the past 40 minutes, prepping myself for my Costco trip. I still don’t do well in grocery stores. I wonder if this is a “thing,” with all bereaved parents. The fear of the grocery stores. I don’t have you to push in the cart anymore, like I would always do. I don’t have you to chase around the store, yelling at you to come back because you would always run off. I don’t have you to fight with over you wanting every type of candy, cookie or popsicle in the store. I get to see all the other mom’s and dad’s there with their kids. Where are you? Why are you not with me? I used to love our little grocery store trips, so much. Now I’m just the really sad mom, doing everything I can to push my cart as fast as I can through the aisles, fighting my way past the tears so I can see enough to get our stuff. Costco blows. But being without you, blows even more. I ended up not being able to go to Costco. I sent you daddy there instead, with your brothers. I, on the other hand, aborted Costco mission and sat at my little office desk and sobbed for about 30 minutes. Saturday was not a good day. I came home after that and fell asleep for a while. I got up before your brothers got home and put on my best mama face for the night. They had a friend sleepover which was a nice treat for us all. Sometimes, a third little guy in the house helps so much. I got to be the cool fun mom on Saturday night. Your brothers came to me, “Mom! Can you take us tee-peeing?” I looked at Mandy Bee, who was here. I told them to come back and ask me in 45 minutes. They did and I told them yes. So we all dressed up in crazy outfits and I piled everyone into our car. They were all 3 so excited in the back and giggling about our little adventure. I drove them over to a very specific house with a very specific plan. We weren’t just going to teepee anyone. We went over to the Willets. Those 3 boys are always up to something fun, and I knew they would get a kick out of it. Turns out, tee-peeing at 8:45 at night is not the way to go. The boys were outside and their mom was across the street at the neighbors. I let the boys out anyway with their toilet paper and they went to town. It turned into a full on toilet paper, wresting battle between 6 boys. I got to sit and watch your brothers have fun and catch up with Gay which is always the best. I love her so much. She misses you so much. All of her boys do. I’ll never forget spending your last Halloween with them. Your favorite holiday that is right around the corner. I can’t believe it’s almost here, and I don’t have you to dress up. Somedays, I still don’t know how I am surviving this. We are going over to the Willets this year. We didn’t last year, and your brothers were so upset. Your daddy and I didn’t think we could handle it. Your daddy still doesn’t think we can handle it. I looked at him this year and said, “We are going. It’s not about us, it’s about them. They deserve to have a nice Halloween and this is what they want to do.” He looked at me and said, “You are right.” So to the Willets we will go, while missing every single thing about you, as we always do.

I’ve gotta run, little bug. Quinn was home from school today, “sick.” I really think he just wanted a day with me. I’ve got to get some things done around the house, before Liam gets here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Dear New York lovies,

Please stay safe. Thinking about you all.

xxoo

I am either allergic to our house or Poppy is a vegetarian.

Ronan. I really was not going to write tonight, but then I lay here with these thoughts swirling in my head and I cannot sleep. Please hold. I think I might have to throw up. I am back. Throw up I did. Disgusting. I think it’s official. There are two very logical reasons behind why I am still getting sick. 1) I am allergic to our house which makes perfect sense to me, but nobody else. Why wouldn’t I be allergic to our house? I, as a mother am living, eating, sleeping, barely breathing in the house I lived with you, but you are not here because you are dead from childhood cancer. To me, that would make any mom extremely sick. Or 2) Poppy is a vegetarian and is pissed I ate a chicken taco for dinner tonight because as soon as I got to our front door and was yelling at your daddy to hurry up and open it before I barfed all over our porch, I made it inside just in time to barf in our hallway toilet. Those are just my two theory’s though. What do I know, I am only a grieving mom and due to this I think half of the things that go through my mind, are not very rational on many levels. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that, it just goes hand and hand with always feeling like you really do not know what you are doing, after losing a child. Nothing makes sense. The big stuff that I used to think was so important, seems so trivial. I often feel as though I live on planet mars and everyone lives a normal life on earth. I’m learning to become o.k. with that, but it still feels really, really lonely at times.

Today, I went to my very important office where I did very important things like start a fight on Twitter. O.k., I did not start a fight on twitter, but I got wrapped up in one and before I knew it, my impulsive side took over and I made some snarky remark where I compared someone’s else’s pain (which I don’t understand, because I lost you so sometimes think I know EVERYTHING about pain), to the pain of losing a child. I knew it was wrong to do, but I felt I had every right to comment because I as a bereaved mom tend to get so easily offended when I hear people complain about what I think is really stupid shit. I mean please, what I wouldn’t give in this world to have normal problems which do not include a dead child. The bottom line is, it was wrong and childish and I am very sorry. I learned a big fat lesson which is sometimes I need to step back and shut my big fat mouth. It’s never nice to compare pain but man, how I wish people would also just sometimes take a step back and just be thankful for being alive and in this moment. I guess because you were robbed of that Ronan, I will probably always be overly sensitive to living in this world where I see so many people taking the simplest things for granted. I, of course want to slap them all and throw you in their face, but it is not my place to do that. I am going to try to work on remembering that more. So besides my Twitter war, I was really productive.

I went and surprised your brothers today and took them out of school early. I did not tell them I was doing this because another thing about this world is it’s really hard for me to commit to things because I never know what state of mind I am going to be in. I did not want to tell them I was picking them up early, then not show up because I was having a day where I was shackled to my bed. Thankfully, I did not have one of those days today and I got to surprise them at school instead. I pulled them out early so we could go over to Fernanda’s house to watch Taylor Swift on Katie. They were so excited and happy that it melted my heart a bit. We arrived over at Fer’s house and Stacy and her kids joined us. It was a nice little pow wow of an afternoon where I got to watch your brothers run around and be kids, while also being with my friends. Your brothers had basketball practice so we had to leave pretty quickly after the Taylor show ended. We ended up meeting Stacy and her family for dinner but before we got there, I had to have a talk with Liam in the car. His teacher today, asked me if we have had his eyes checked. I told her we had, and that he has glasses that he is supposed to wear, but won’t wear them at school. I told her how we make him wear them at home, but getting him to actually wear them at school, has been an issue. I told her that I would talk to him about it, this weekend. Of course that meant tonight. I gently brought it up in the car on the way over to dinner. Liam got so upset. As in crying upset. He was still crying when we got to the restaurant. I walked with him and put my arm around him, trying my hardest to tell him how great glasses are and how important it is, that he wears them. He wasn’t having it. I had to bite my tongue as I was watching him cry and let me tell you, it took everything for me to say, “Glasses are NOT something to cry about. Cancer is.” I said it in my head alright, a few times. I thought about how that would make HIM feel, to have that said out loud to him. I decided against it and tried to work some different angles instead. We will talk about this more over the weekend, and hopefully I can have it talked into by Monday. I get it. He’s 9. Glasses will make him different. What kid at 9, wants to be different? He is already different enough by having a dead baby brother. You know how much this breaks my heart. I wish I could fix all of this, Ronan. I so with your brothers did not know what it feels like, to be different like this.

We were driving home and I pulled out my phone to show your daddy the new license plate I ordered today because my tabs are expired. They have a new license plate in AZ for childhood cancer, which you know I am thrilled about. I was playing with it online, getting ready to order my personalized plate. I typed in two options. The first one being FUC (Fuck you cancer) of course. I laughed out loud at that one. The second one being Ro Baby. I went back and forth for a bit and once again those brothers of yours, popped in my head. I made the decision to order the Ro Baby one instead of the one I really wanted, for the sake of them. Of course I wanted to get a rise out of your daddy, so I told him I had ordered the FUC one. Your brothers were in the car, too. They were mortified. Well, at least Quinn was. He goes, “Mom. Why did you have to do that?” When I saw how upset he was, I quickly told him I didn’t really, that I ordered the Ro Baby one instead. He goes, “Thank you for making the right choice.” It’s moments like that, where I am simply blown away by how sweet, innocent, and level-headed your brothers are, even after going through something like this. It reminds me for as much as I think I am doing wrong, I must be doing something right. They are proof of that.

I’m going to end this here now. My stomach is feeling a little better and I am wiped out from not sleeping well at all last night. I tossed and turned in your bed all night long. It feels so wrong, to sleep there without you. I love you, Ronan. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

In case you were wondering…

http://curechildhoodcancer.ning.com/forum/topics/so-where-does-the-money-go

Seriously, the BEST comment I have read in a long time. Thanks, Lisa;) Had to post it.

I too found out about Ronan and you because of Taylor’s song. I went to the very beginning of the blog and fell in love with Ronan. I watched you on Katie today and there are no words to explain the magnitude of this little boy. I read somewhere that he had a heart of gold, the same color that brings awareness to childhood cancers. Not a coincidence I’m sure. I do have to admit that at one point during the show I got lost in thinking “damn Woody is hot”…there I said it, and there’s no shame in my game. Other bitches were thinking it too!I am the very proud daughter of a breast cancer survivor. I wear pink for my Mama, and will continue to do so. With that said, I’ll add that, were that not the case, I too would be fucking sick of the pink ribbon shit, and secretly sometimes am anyway. It is EVERYWHERE, crammed down your throat, and damn, how many pink ribbon bracelets and shit does one person need? BTW, the pink ribbon that sickens people is the color of Pepto Bismal, which is used for upset stomach and nausea. Again, not a coincidence, but funny as hell nonetheless.

I have been involved with our local Relay For Life for over ten years, and even served on the planning committee for four of those years. I am embarrassed to admit that I blindy assumed that the money raised for the American Cancer Society would be distributed equally among various cancers and used in research. Sadly, after reading this blog, I have been enlightened about the fact that this is not the case. I did some research (which for me just means I read some shit online ;) ) and it basically looks like ACS spends more on advertising and party supplies than childhood cancer. Hmmm, good to know. I will now just donate my funds to Ronan’s foundation, and won’t have to force my lazy ass to walk all night to do so!

I have known of other cancer awareness colors, but never knew about Gold for Childood Cancers, and I am one of the guilty ones that never really gave it much thought. It is never discussed on commercials or in print, and the damn WWF has NEVER turned gold for childhood cancer, although children make up most of their audience AND those tacky ass championship belts that I secretly love are made of gold. I’m sure it’s some fake ass gold, but you see where I’m going!

I did not mean to turn this into a novel, and I don’t even know if you’ll see this Maya. Regardless, I wanted to let you know that, while I don’t always agree 100% with all your beliefs and everything you say, I respect you more than most anybody in my life, and I’m poplular and have a lot of people in my life, so that says a lot:) I have learned so much from you about so many things, and although I’m 43, I want to be just like you when I grow up. I now am more thankful for my boys that are considerably older than yours but are still my babies. I spend less time working on making sure I have the most perfect roses on the street, and more time just actually taking a nice whiff of the bastards! And if I feel like crying for whatever reason, I do it, even if sometimes it’s the ugly cry. And I have learned that it’s okay that the word FUCK has always been my most favorite word ever, because you have taught me that it is fucking versatile!

I will continue to wear pink for my Mama, but will now also wear GOLD for Ronan and his Mama as well. I will continue to follow your story and bring awareness to childhood cancer. I cannot wait to see you move mountains; you, my dear, will change the world!

A very Katie Couric pity party kind of day

Ronan. I guess I had kind of a pity party of a day. I started off the day by throwing up all over our hallway early this morning in front of your brothers. Awesomeness. They were both so impressed. I did go to my office. Where the nicest people in the world work. I’m not even exaggerating. What kind of office is filled with laughter, kindness and love all the time? What kind of office has the sweetest girls, peaking in to bring you a water, lunch, snacks and my favorite, Vita Coco? My office. I am so thankful for this new little home. I get a lot done there. Much more there than from our sad little house. I was productive today but also greatly distracted. My phone and emails were blowing up due to the Katie Show that was happening today. It aired on the East Coast first. My twitter soon started blowing up with the kindest tweets ever. I love my little twitter family. I went into lockdown mode and decided I was not ready to watch it when it aired in Phoenix. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called me. “Where are you watching this?” I told him I was not. “I am living this. I do not need to watch this. I’m sick to my stomach. I’ve been throwing up all morning.” “You should not still be throwing up this late in your pregnancy,” he said. I told him the obvious reason why, “I’m allergic to my house.” This sent him into those famous chuckles of his. “You are so cute. Allergic to you house. You are too much.” See Ro, everyone thinks I am being overly dramatic. Hello! I am not sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself puke. The puking is happening totally on it’s own and I don’t think Poppy has anything to do with it anymore. I don’t know what it is going to take for everyone to start believing me.

I got some work done and popped by our Mr. Sparkly Eyes office. We sat for a long time talking about everything and anything. I told him all about New York and how wonderful it was to be there with my girlfriends. How it was such a great little bonding trip for us. I told him all about Taylor and all the sweet things we talked about. I basically caught him up on our entire trip. We talked about that little secret thing I am working on. He gave me his best fatherly advice on it, asking a couple things of me. I told him I would listen and remember. “You are a remarkable woman and I am so proud of you. Actually, you are a remarkable child.” I huffed and puffed. “Stop calling me a child. I am a grown adult.” He told me I was a child and to stop arguing with him about it. I rolled my eyes at him instead. He listened to me talk about some more things and said to me, “You are so sad today. Why are so sad today?” I told him, “Because I just want Ronan here. I don’t want to be on the Katie Couric show because he is dead. I just want Ro back.” “I understand. I know. I’m so sorry.” he mumbled. He watched me spin around in his office chair while staring at pictures of you on his bulletin board and watched as my face turned from that look of, I am o.k., to I am really not o.k. “I don’t know how to help you or what to do.” I looked up at him. “You can’t help me. But you have helped me more than anyone else.” His eyes fell to the floor. “Why? How?” I couldn’t tell him how or why right then and there because I knew if I did, I would have ended up in a puddle in the middle of his floor. I didn’t feel like going there as I was hardly holding it together, as it was. I avoided his question and his eyes full of tears. I ended up telling him later. “Because of your voice of reason, your never judging me, your advice, opinions, and honesty. Because you love him so much and I can see the way he’s changed you. Because you have been my best friend throughout all of this and never went away, even during the worst of times. You never gave up on him or me. Because of the way you believe in me so much, even when you know I am bat shit crazy. I could go on and on. Because you saved my life.” Your Sparkly knows all of this and I know he does not give himself the credit he deserves. You know what he told me? That he is lucky to have me as his daughter. I am the lucky one, Ronan. Truly.

I came home to our house. Your daddy was already home. Your brothers were gone with Mimi and Papa. I plopped down on the couch. Your daddy was watching T.V. like a normal person. I started freaking out, like an insane person. “How can you sit here and act like everything is the same, in our same house, doing all the same things that we used to do with Ronan when nothing is the same anymore!?” He was just freaking watching baseball. I don’t know what I expect. Sometimes I have berserk fantasies about uprooting everyone to somewhere completely different. I mean, it just feels wrong to me to sit here and do all the things we always used to do. Your daddy was quick to point out why my blubbering madness didn’t even make sense. I just sat and listened to him while the tears poured down my cheeks. I then got up and threw myself in your bed like a child having a temper tantrum and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I’ve been in your little bed, all night long. Your daddy came to check on me. He rubbed my back. “Do you need anything?” I told him no. He said, “I know, you don’t need anything or anyone. You can do this all on your own, right?” I told him, “Absolutely.” He then goes, “Well, we all still love you anyway. Tough ass.” I ignored his funny comment because I was too busy drowning in my tears that soaked your bed.

I ended up watching my interview on Katie Couric while in your bed. Alone. That’s how I wanted to see it. I thought they did a beautiful job of putting it together. Of course I am kicking myself for not saying the 50 other things that I wanted to say. Like how my last words to you were also, ” I love you so much. You are my best friend. I’m so sorry. I promise to fix this for you. I promise to make you proud. Please don’t go away. Please don’t ever leave me. Please, I am so scared. Please somebody save him. Please somebody take me instead. Please Ronan, I can’t live without you.” I also wished I would have freaked out and talked about how fucking fucked up it is that childhood cancer is so ignored. How nobody cares. How is it acceptable that childhood cancers is the least funded out of all the cancers. Why doesn’t the whole world know that the GOLD RIBBON is for childhood cancer and SEPTEMBER is CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. WHY ISN’T THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER GOLD EVERYWHERE? Why has only 1 new pediatric drug for childhood cancer been approved in the past 25 years? WHY DID RONAN AND SO MANY OTHERS HAVE TO DIE BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF AWARENESS AND FUNDING? WHY ISN’T CHILDHOOD CANCER AT THE TOP OF OUR PRIORITY LIST? Because if it were, my Ronan might still be here. I guess I can save that for another time, right Ro? I did the very best I could and I am so very thankful for the awareness that I know our show will bring. I’ll get off my soapbox now.

I’m going to go now baby doll, before I start to freak out once again. If I were not pregnant, I would be doing a very dangerous night hike right now. Poppy is keeping me from throwing myself off the side of a cliff. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. And I wish you were not gone from me or in a better place. There is NO better place in the world then with me. I am so very sorry. G’nite little man.

xoxo

Thank You to Katie Couric for giving Ronan such a huge platform. It was an honor to be on her show.

 

 

http://video.katiecouric.com/services/player/bcpid1778770226001?bckey=AQ~~,AAABWfWhrnk~,FtZztaNxIqTVkSb1ju2Ka7JVAY8r79nB&bctid=1925031436001

Breaking News! Palmer Cash has Rockstar Ronan Kids Tee’s Available!

http://www.palmercash.com/p-5069-kids-rockstar-ronan-heart-skull-t-shirt.aspx

Katie Couric Tomorrow!

 

 

I hope you all can watch. The show that Woody and I taped, will air tomorrow. Also, be sure to tune in on Friday as well for the amazingness of Taylor! Thank you!

xxoo