I Love You to the Moon and Back

Ronan. This is what happens when I am in this city. I feel alive once again. It’s the only place that I really feel this way. Away from the blinding bright sun. From all those fake plastic shiny trees. It’s only here that I feel like I belong. Where I can walk the streets for hours on end, at anytime of the day or night and I feel so alive. Where I can go to dinners with strangers and have the most stimulating conversations. This city that is so full of substance that it leaves me feeling fulfilled in a way that I don’t feel back at home. Back at home, a lot is missing. The biggest thing being you. I am making a 5 year escape plan. Well, I am making an escape plan. I’m not sure what that looks like as of now, but I have some ideas. I won’t leave AZ permanently as of now, for a couple of reasons. But I know I need to start thinking of some other options, so I don’t constantly feel like I am suffocating. I am very thankful for these breaks every once in a while. I am very thankful for the friend that I have here, that just lets me stay in her apartment when she is not using it. I could not having the guilt of spending money on an expensive hotel when I know I should be using it elsewhere as in doing things for you and your foundation. These breaks help to rejuvenate my soul and help to give me a little mental break. When I come here, there is no T.V. blaring. There is not a lot of answering the phone. There is no computer time. I tend to unplug from everything. It’s the alone time that I very much need. I cry a lot. Alone. It’s an emotional release that feels o.k. I like that I don’t have to hide my tears here. I like that I can cry and not worry who is looking over my shoulder, worrying about me. Sometimes, I just need a break from everything. Including my very supportive, very loving husband who just wants to constantly make sure I am o.k. and fix everything. Who I am so lucky to have, but even I know I need a break from the, “Are you o.k.’s.” “What can I do, to help?” “I’m here for you’s.” Sometimes I just need my badass solo time where I know nothing will ever be o.k. and I am strong enough to take my alone time to deal with that. The way that I need to deal with that, even if that just means getting lost on the subway for a couple of hours. I always do my best thinking and planning in this city. As I said before, I feeds my soul. I also always feel super close to you when I am here, which you know I love.

Yesterday, oh yesterday. Where do I begin? It was a busy day. It was a packed day. I had a lot crammed in to yesterday. I ran down to SoHo to meet someone for lunch. I had a couple of other meetings as well. I took the subway like that typical New Yorker girl that I have become. Someone even asked me for directions yesterday and I knew right where to tell them to go. That made me smile. I never know what the days are going to bring here which is one of the reasons I love it so much. I got a call from the Katie Couric show. They wanted me to come down to the studio around 4. Also, something had changed in regards to the show I was supposed to tape next Monday, October 22nd. I returned the phone call to Katie’s oh so lovely producer. “What can do to get you to stay in New York and tape your segment, this Monday?” I listened to her tell me what was going on, what had changed, how the show the I was originally scheduled to be on, had become so filled up with other things that Katie was not happy as she wanted our story to have enough air time. I tried to put all the pieces to the puzzle into place as far as what I needed to do, on my end. I know this is the way this insane world of television works. Everything can change in an instant. I called your daddy to ask him if he could please drop everything he had on Monday, to come out here with me. He had a packed day, but of course he made it work. So now, instead of taping the show next Monday, I will be taping it THIS Monday, October 15th.
I got to Katie’s studio around 4 p.m. I met with her producer and a few other people. I was not sure of what all I was to be prepared for. That’s one of the other things about this world… sometimes things just get thrown your way and you have to just roll with them. After chatting for a bit, I was feeling pretty comfortable. They told me they wanted to do a little interview but I had no idea of how intense it was going to be. I was taken into a small office with three twenty something year old boys. At least they looked to be about 20. They hooked me up to a mic, camera on, closed the door and I sat as they started setting everything up. At one point I think I said something like, “This is weird.” They all chuckled a little bit and said, “You’ve been interviewed before, though.” I said, “Yes, but not like this.” The next hour or what felt like 4 hours was an emotional roller coaster. I was not prepared for the questions. Questions that I think about all the time, but when I have to put my actual feelings into words, I sometimes have a hard time doing so. I did the best I could do. To break down in a room with three boys whom I have never met before in my life, left me feeling so vulnerable in the most vulnerable of situations. I, being the mom on the other end of the camera, sobbing over having lost something that can never be replaced. I did my best to talk about you, which is still so hard for me to do because my pain is still so raw and fresh. I had to stop a few times. They were asking about the dates of things and you know I cannot remember those things to save my life. My grief brain is still so very present that I often feel as if I have Alzheimer’s or something. After the interview I felt shaky but put on my best face to finish up what I had to do. The people that are working for the Katie Couric show could not be nicer or more accommodating. I got to see some of the behind the scenes stuff which was very fun and one of the boys, Josh, who was showing me around was absolutely delightful. It was a nice way to end a very hard interview. I left the Katie show and realized I was starving. I found myself in a little diner, all alone, drowning my sorrows in some french fucking toast. I sat texting your Mr. Sparkly Eyes like mad. I told him about my afternoon, he could tell how shaken up I was and simply sent me a text back saying, “Go easy.” I replied back with, “What does that mean? Go easy on the French Toast? I’m about to stab it to death. Or go easy on myself? You know I’m always my toughest critic.” He said, “Yourself, please.” Fine Sparkly. You win. I stopped stabbing the french toast and inhaled it instead. I went back to my little apartment and did my best to unwind. I fell asleep easily like I always do here.
Today, I met up with one of my little angels who floats around this city. We had the loviest of lovely lunches where I got to tell her thank you from the bottom of my heart for so many things. I have not spent much time with this angel on earth. We had a lunch full of so many, “Oh my gosh moments,” that I was so blown away once again, by all the people that you are placing in our lives. We talked a lot about life, death and souls. She is one of the few people who looked at me, bent down and kissed my belly and told me, “Maya, I cannot imagine how hard this pregnancy is for you. You are still a grieving mom, yet you have another life inside of you. That is so much to take on.” I was blown away. She doesn’t read this blog, yet she totally got it in a way that most people do not. That just shows me how connected she is to not only her own soul, but other people’s around her as well. It’s not often that I am truly surprised by people. Today, was one of those days. Our lunch was quick but so fulfilling. I left there once again, being inspired to do great things, just by the company that I was in. This person has made herself an incredible life and she has done it all with those two little secrets that I have mentioned before. Substance and passion. I’ve will say this for the rest of my life. If you have those two things in your life, the world can be your oyster. Once we parted ways, I was on a mission to find my outfit for the Katie show. It took me a few hours, but I think I found something that will look pretty cute. I’m at that really awkward stage of being pregnant where I either look pregnant or just really, really bloated. That should be fun on national television. I’m not too worried about it because it is what it is. Poppy is popping and I will just be thankful for this little one that seems to be growing by the day. I had somebody say to me the other night, “If this is a girl, how are you not going to name her Poppy?” I just said, “I don’t know. I’ve fallen in love with that name. It makes me smile.” I think Poppy Thompson is such a darling name. We will cross that bridge, when we come to it. I went to Bloomingdale’s for my little shopping adventure with also a side plan too. I did what I always do when I am in the city and go to Bloomie’s just to eat at 40 carrots where I always used to take you. I sat at the bar and ordered my food as I was starved. Some older lady came and sat right down next to me and proceeded to scream into her cell phone the entire time I was eating. Granted, the restaurant was loud but that was from all the patrons, enjoying themselves. Not from them RUDELY talking on their cell phones. The lady proceeded to scream into her phone and say things like, “You didn’t call me out of love. You called me to ask something of me! Did you watch the Debates? What kind of an idiot would vote for Obama again? He’s ruining our country! If you want to drive in my fancy car with me, then you do not just get to text on your cell phone the entire time! Learn some respect!” OHMYFUCKINGGOD. The lady went on the entire time I was eating. I so wanted to reach over, snatch the cell phone out of her and throw it across the room. I pictured myself saying, “EXCUSE ME! I’m trying to eat my Fr-Yo, with my dead son, and you are ruining EVERYTHING!” I didn’t though. I sat quietly and tried my best to tune her out. At one point I was doing my best to eat our frozen yogurt and the tears just started pouring. I quickly wiped them away, while trying my best to make sure my throat didn’t close up so I could swallow our favorite tasty treat. I was so sad, sitting there alone, without you. I finished my meal. Paid and got out of there not without looking for you around every corner. Not without remembering every spot we sat, stood and I took your picture. I remembered it all, so vividly.
I’m home now. Tucked away, safe and sound. Exhausted from the day, but thankful to be here, in this city. I love it like no other. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Goodnight my little spicy monkey boy. Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back.

19 responses to “I Love You to the Moon and Back”

  1. Maya – I wish I wasn’t commenting on your blog, I wish you didn’t need a blog and I wish I didn’t have to cry because of what you write on your blog, but I do and you do and I do!
    There is something going on right now, which I would like to share with you, but I would like to hold out until Friday after my son sees an opthomologist. It could be nothing and it might be something, so I am in limbo at the moment, not wanting my emotions to get out of control too soon, thinking of what might and might not happen. If there is anything certain for me, it is my love for my son, the only solid thing in my life really, so I will hold out thinking anything bad for now and just hope for the best. Ro, please keep a little eye on my little man on Friday and give us the strength to get through it.

  2. I wish you would have grabbed her phone and tossed it.

  3. I agree….that city really does something for me too! Whenever I visit, I come back feeling peaceful, yet motivated and ready to tackle anything. I haven’t been there in at least three years and have an undying desire to go. I’m so glad you were able to do this for yourself! I can’t wait to see you on Katie!

  4. Yes… the world needs a Poppy Thompson.

    As for that rude, annoying asshole on her cell phone, be happy for her as she has obviously never had anything truly horrible happen to her if she gets that worked up over bullshit. I read somewhere that after suffering the loss of someone you love, the highs in life will never be as high again, the lows never as low… and I’ve found that to be the case. It takes a lot to get me upset these days.

    Sending you good vibes, Maya!

  5. OMG I would literally freak out if I ran into you here in NYC! You’re my hero Maya, please keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Cancer has needed your “FUCK YOUS!!” for so long. You’re blog makes me laugh, cry, smile and just plain look like an idiot when I’m reading it. I hate that this is your story, that this is anyone’s story, but it’s a story that NEEDS to be told and NEEDS to be fucking dealt with and I’m so happy that you’re doing that.
    Sending you and your entire family so much RoLove!
    Hope to run into you at 40 Carrots one day, also my absolutely favorite place for fro yo 🙂

  6. Love you maya

  7. It is really sad, isn’t it? Instinctively, mothers always look for their kids whereabouts, I am heartbroken reading the part where you left the fro yo and not to search your kid in the corners.
    My mom told me that losing spouses is said to be harder than losing your children. I disagree. Children are our flesh, we are just so get used to look after them, when they are not around, it is weird. I can totally understand your feelings, I just can’t imagine how you can get through day by day. Must be very painful. niece died because brain cancer, she was only 12. Before she died, she was blind and couldn’t talk. But when she could still talk, she said she saw Jesus came to her. She also said that a white chariot came, with her late grandpa in it, smiling. Whenever she dreamt that, she always had the almost death experience, but her mom never let her go. Finally, after the 3rd surgery, doctor gave up, and she was blind and motionless, her mom said she could go. We were so sad, but the dream she told us made us a little bit calmed. Even though she is not with us now, she is now with Jesus and her late beloved ones. My sister described it as this : All of us are going to party, it just the matter of different time. My niece went to the party early and right away, while we still have to do some errands, pick some people, get the cakesY and so on. But when we are ready, we will go to the party, too and we will meet her again there. Buyt waiting for that time is really excruciating and it seems that when we want to move on, there’s a guilt feeling. As if, why we can enjoy life while her life is stopped already. I once thought about this, but hey, heaven must be nicer than our world.
    Be patient Maya, one day you will meet Ronan again. He will remember you, I believe. Just like the grandpa pick up her granddaughter. You have fought hard and done the best for him, you are a very good loving mom. Hugs for you 🙂

  8. I’m so happy you are in NYC – that place is RoMagical! Your honesty and passion continue to amaze me. I’m so sorry Ronan is not roaming those NYC streets with you, it’s so fucked up. Sending you thoughts of calm and love today.

  9. RoMama,
    I’m so glad that the city that never sleeps makes you feel so alive!!!

    I’m so happy you have Mr Sparkly Eyes 🙂

    I can’t wait to hear all about the “secret” happenings in NY!!!!

    One badass Rockstar RoMama!!! Fucancer!!!

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Always rolove!!!

  10. Substance and passion…I love it! Thanks for sharing your secret. The lady on the phone was obviously lacking both.

  11. Dear Maya,
    I want to start by telling you that you are one of my heros…. i love your blog. i juat heard Ronan’s story about a month agao and i read your entire blog from day one.. i cried the entire time i was reading it….spacially the one tittle “where is Ronan?” omg…it broke my heart into a million pieces……. i cant imagine the pain you went through and still going through till this day… im so sorry for your lost. no mother deserves to go through that… I have a 3year old son and a 8year old daughter my self and they is my everything.. i have learned to appreciate what i have because you never know when it will be taken away…i use to be so strick with my kids but now i enjoy every single thing they do good and bad…… I also want to thank you for everything you are doing for all the kids i the world. Im 110% positive that thaks to your hard work and you dedication some day we will find a cure to that FUCKEN CANCER that destroits families….. i have purchased some of the RockstarRonan bracellets and i wear them proudly everyday…… i want to help The Ronan Thompson Foundation. in every way possible.. i have collected some donations from some of my closests freinds (dont have many freinds) and i will be sending it out to u soon….

  12. Tear down the house. Keep everything from Ronan’s room. Walls, closets, floor, carpet. Everything. Then in the new house, tear out a room and replace it with his. 🙂

  13. Tear down the house. But keep everything from Ronan’s room. The walls, closets, floor, carpet. Everything. Then, in the new house, tear out a room and replace it with his. 🙂

  14. I’ve been waiting for your post, your blog helps make me realize what is important in life. Your words are so honest, I love that about you! Keep it up. There is so much more i want to say but i can never find the words, but just know you are an amazing women! & I believe your going to change the world! I cant wait to watch you on the Katie Couric show!

  15. Something tells me that your heart and soul are starting to create some space between yourself and your memory of Ronan and the house you now find makes you sick. This is normal as you come to the decision of letting go of real estate in order to keep what you find precious close to you. Your right brain knows that you could not stand to change Ro’s room into a room for Poppy and your existing house is too small to allow anything else to happen that wil resolve this issue in time to matter.
    I hope you are able to move along and enoy a new house to make your home in knowing that Ro travels with you. Can’t wait to see the Katie interview. Stay as well as you can.

  16. This is the first current blog I have read since I signed up. My cousin told me about Ronan and your blogs and I was instantly hooked! I have a 4 yr old daughter and think that you, like Ronan, are a rockstar!!! It took me 3 times to make it through Taylor’s song because I downloaded it at work and had to compose myself. You are amazing! I look up to you for your strength to keep carrying on!! Thank you! God Bless!

  17. Hiii Mama Maya!
    I’ve been checking your blog on the daily ever since SU2C. I love when you write but I also love when you don’t write because I think to myself it must mean that you’re too busy doing great things and too busy having good days.

    I live on Long Island. An hour from NYC and know all too well about the magic of that city. I invite you and your gang of super heroes to camp out next Monday night to watch Taylor’s concert Tuesday morning. Even though you’re probably one of her VIP’s and have no need to freeze your butt off, it truly is an experience like no other. The numbness of the cool air, in the city that never sleeps! The strangers who become your friends. ALL FOR THE LOVE OF TAYLOR! Does it get any better?

    I’ll be there with my little sister. We love reading about Ronan and watching videos of him laughing. Truly the BEST laugh. I write his name on my wrist almost everyday…to remind myself to not take anything for granted and to be strong like him and you. You may not feel it, but you’re strong. So strong.

    I’ll continue donating 13 on the 13th until childhood cancer is cured. FUCK CANCER
    Enjoy your trip to the best city. Maybe I’ll see ya Monday night? Hot cocoa and PIE on me!


  18. My son Austin is my son, moon and stars …..

  19. I loge reading these posts! I can’t imagine how you feel and don’t want too!! I hope you quite another blog about your children that are alive too! I’m sure that would make them feel special!!! I don t even know how you cam get through this!! I love reading This and hope you can get through it! I can’t imagine how you could but I pray for you and Ronan!

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