Ronan. This is what happens when I am in this city. I feel alive once again. It’s the only place that I really feel this way. Away from the blinding bright sun. From all those fake plastic shiny trees. It’s only here that I feel like I belong. Where I can walk the streets for hours on end, at anytime of the day or night and I feel so alive. Where I can go to dinners with strangers and have the most stimulating conversations. This city that is so full of substance that it leaves me feeling fulfilled in a way that I don’t feel back at home. Back at home, a lot is missing. The biggest thing being you. I am making a 5 year escape plan. Well, I am making an escape plan. I’m not sure what that looks like as of now, but I have some ideas. I won’t leave AZ permanently as of now, for a couple of reasons. But I know I need to start thinking of some other options, so I don’t constantly feel like I am suffocating. I am very thankful for these breaks every once in a while. I am very thankful for the friend that I have here, that just lets me stay in her apartment when she is not using it. I could not having the guilt of spending money on an expensive hotel when I know I should be using it elsewhere as in doing things for you and your foundation. These breaks help to rejuvenate my soul and help to give me a little mental break. When I come here, there is no T.V. blaring. There is not a lot of answering the phone. There is no computer time. I tend to unplug from everything. It’s the alone time that I very much need. I cry a lot. Alone. It’s an emotional release that feels o.k. I like that I don’t have to hide my tears here. I like that I can cry and not worry who is looking over my shoulder, worrying about me. Sometimes, I just need a break from everything. Including my very supportive, very loving husband who just wants to constantly make sure I am o.k. and fix everything. Who I am so lucky to have, but even I know I need a break from the, “Are you o.k.’s.” “What can I do, to help?” “I’m here for you’s.” Sometimes I just need my badass solo time where I know nothing will ever be o.k. and I am strong enough to take my alone time to deal with that. The way that I need to deal with that, even if that just means getting lost on the subway for a couple of hours. I always do my best thinking and planning in this city. As I said before, I feeds my soul. I also always feel super close to you when I am here, which you know I love.
I Love You to the Moon and Back
19 responses to “I Love You to the Moon and Back”
Maya – I wish I wasn’t commenting on your blog, I wish you didn’t need a blog and I wish I didn’t have to cry because of what you write on your blog, but I do and you do and I do!
There is something going on right now, which I would like to share with you, but I would like to hold out until Friday after my son sees an opthomologist. It could be nothing and it might be something, so I am in limbo at the moment, not wanting my emotions to get out of control too soon, thinking of what might and might not happen. If there is anything certain for me, it is my love for my son, the only solid thing in my life really, so I will hold out thinking anything bad for now and just hope for the best. Ro, please keep a little eye on my little man on Friday and give us the strength to get through it.
I wish you would have grabbed her phone and tossed it.
I agree….that city really does something for me too! Whenever I visit, I come back feeling peaceful, yet motivated and ready to tackle anything. I haven’t been there in at least three years and have an undying desire to go. I’m so glad you were able to do this for yourself! I can’t wait to see you on Katie!
Yes… the world needs a Poppy Thompson.
As for that rude, annoying asshole on her cell phone, be happy for her as she has obviously never had anything truly horrible happen to her if she gets that worked up over bullshit. I read somewhere that after suffering the loss of someone you love, the highs in life will never be as high again, the lows never as low… and I’ve found that to be the case. It takes a lot to get me upset these days.
Sending you good vibes, Maya!
OMG I would literally freak out if I ran into you here in NYC! You’re my hero Maya, please keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Cancer has needed your “FUCK YOUS!!” for so long. You’re blog makes me laugh, cry, smile and just plain look like an idiot when I’m reading it. I hate that this is your story, that this is anyone’s story, but it’s a story that NEEDS to be told and NEEDS to be fucking dealt with and I’m so happy that you’re doing that.
Sending you and your entire family so much RoLove!
Hope to run into you at 40 Carrots one day, also my absolutely favorite place for fro yo 🙂
Love you maya
It is really sad, isn’t it? Instinctively, mothers always look for their kids whereabouts, I am heartbroken reading the part where you left the fro yo and not to search your kid in the corners.
My mom told me that losing spouses is said to be harder than losing your children. I disagree. Children are our flesh, we are just so get used to look after them, when they are not around, it is weird. I can totally understand your feelings, I just can’t imagine how you can get through day by day. Must be very painful. niece died because brain cancer, she was only 12. Before she died, she was blind and couldn’t talk. But when she could still talk, she said she saw Jesus came to her. She also said that a white chariot came, with her late grandpa in it, smiling. Whenever she dreamt that, she always had the almost death experience, but her mom never let her go. Finally, after the 3rd surgery, doctor gave up, and she was blind and motionless, her mom said she could go. We were so sad, but the dream she told us made us a little bit calmed. Even though she is not with us now, she is now with Jesus and her late beloved ones. My sister described it as this : All of us are going to party, it just the matter of different time. My niece went to the party early and right away, while we still have to do some errands, pick some people, get the cakesY and so on. But when we are ready, we will go to the party, too and we will meet her again there. Buyt waiting for that time is really excruciating and it seems that when we want to move on, there’s a guilt feeling. As if, why we can enjoy life while her life is stopped already. I once thought about this, but hey, heaven must be nicer than our world.
Be patient Maya, one day you will meet Ronan again. He will remember you, I believe. Just like the grandpa pick up her granddaughter. You have fought hard and done the best for him, you are a very good loving mom. Hugs for you 🙂
I’m so happy you are in NYC – that place is RoMagical! Your honesty and passion continue to amaze me. I’m so sorry Ronan is not roaming those NYC streets with you, it’s so fucked up. Sending you thoughts of calm and love today.
I’m so glad that the city that never sleeps makes you feel so alive!!!
I’m so happy you have Mr Sparkly Eyes 🙂
I can’t wait to hear all about the “secret” happenings in NY!!!!
One badass Rockstar RoMama!!! Fucancer!!!
Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Always rolove!!!
Substance and passion…I love it! Thanks for sharing your secret. The lady on the phone was obviously lacking both.
I want to start by telling you that you are one of my heros…. i love your blog. i juat heard Ronan’s story about a month agao and i read your entire blog from day one.. i cried the entire time i was reading it….spacially the one tittle “where is Ronan?” omg…it broke my heart into a million pieces……. i cant imagine the pain you went through and still going through till this day… im so sorry for your lost. no mother deserves to go through that… I have a 3year old son and a 8year old daughter my self and they is my everything.. i have learned to appreciate what i have because you never know when it will be taken away…i use to be so strick with my kids but now i enjoy every single thing they do good and bad…… I also want to thank you for everything you are doing for all the kids i the world. Im 110% positive that thaks to your hard work and you dedication some day we will find a cure to that FUCKEN CANCER that destroits families….. i have purchased some of the RockstarRonan bracellets and i wear them proudly everyday…… i want to help The Ronan Thompson Foundation. in every way possible.. i have collected some donations from some of my closests freinds (dont have many freinds) and i will be sending it out to u soon….
Tear down the house. Keep everything from Ronan’s room. Walls, closets, floor, carpet. Everything. Then in the new house, tear out a room and replace it with his. 🙂
I’ve been waiting for your post, your blog helps make me realize what is important in life. Your words are so honest, I love that about you! Keep it up. There is so much more i want to say but i can never find the words, but just know you are an amazing women! & I believe your going to change the world! I cant wait to watch you on the Katie Couric show!
Something tells me that your heart and soul are starting to create some space between yourself and your memory of Ronan and the house you now find makes you sick. This is normal as you come to the decision of letting go of real estate in order to keep what you find precious close to you. Your right brain knows that you could not stand to change Ro’s room into a room for Poppy and your existing house is too small to allow anything else to happen that wil resolve this issue in time to matter.
I hope you are able to move along and enoy a new house to make your home in knowing that Ro travels with you. Can’t wait to see the Katie interview. Stay as well as you can.
This is the first current blog I have read since I signed up. My cousin told me about Ronan and your blogs and I was instantly hooked! I have a 4 yr old daughter and think that you, like Ronan, are a rockstar!!! It took me 3 times to make it through Taylor’s song because I downloaded it at work and had to compose myself. You are amazing! I look up to you for your strength to keep carrying on!! Thank you! God Bless!
Hiii Mama Maya!
I’ve been checking your blog on the daily ever since SU2C. I love when you write but I also love when you don’t write because I think to myself it must mean that you’re too busy doing great things and too busy having good days.
I live on Long Island. An hour from NYC and know all too well about the magic of that city. I invite you and your gang of super heroes to camp out next Monday night to watch Taylor’s concert Tuesday morning. Even though you’re probably one of her VIP’s and have no need to freeze your butt off, it truly is an experience like no other. The numbness of the cool air, in the city that never sleeps! The strangers who become your friends. ALL FOR THE LOVE OF TAYLOR! Does it get any better?
I’ll be there with my little sister. We love reading about Ronan and watching videos of him laughing. Truly the BEST laugh. I write his name on my wrist almost everyday…to remind myself to not take anything for granted and to be strong like him and you. You may not feel it, but you’re strong. So strong.
I’ll continue donating 13 on the 13th until childhood cancer is cured. FUCK CANCER
Enjoy your trip to the best city. Maybe I’ll see ya Monday night? Hot cocoa and PIE on me!
My son Austin is my son, moon and stars …..
I loge reading these posts! I can’t imagine how you feel and don’t want too!! I hope you quite another blog about your children that are alive too! I’m sure that would make them feel special!!! I don t even know how you cam get through this!! I love reading This and hope you can get through it! I can’t imagine how you could but I pray for you and Ronan!
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