Ronan. This break from Arizona, could not have come at a better time. I am seriously about to go blind from all the sunny sunshine that just does not match the way my insides feel anymore. I spent the weekend at home. Pretty much in bed. I was trying to rest up for New York and was not feeling well. I also was seriously hiding from the sun. As in, I think I may have a sun phobia. I didn’t step outside Saturday or Sunday. It was only after the sun dipped down on Sunday, that I decided to go out to the grocery store to stock up on food before my departure. Monday came and went. I kept myself busy, getting ready to leave for my flight to New York. I tackled all the laundry that I have been ignoring, paid bills and packed my suitcase. I picked up your brothers, we did homework, I made them a snack, and I took them to a birthday. It was a NFL birthday theme hence the Monday night party. I came home, talked to your daddy for a bit and drew myself a bath. Your daddy came in to check on me.
Our conversation went a little like this.
Me: I think we need to move out of this house. I can’t stay here. It’s suffocating me. It’s too sad.
Him: O.k. we can talk about this. Just hear me out. You want to leave this house? You say that all the time, but that’s not going to make you less sad. You really want to pack up Ronan’s room? Then what? Start over? I think you would end up regretting that, but if that’s what you want to do, we will do that. To me, that seems like we’ve moved on. And I never want to move on from him.
Me: I think this house caused his cancer. And now this new baby is going to have cancer. (I know I’m not being rational)
Him: This house did not give Ronan cancer. This new baby is not going to have cancer. That won’t happen. Nobody has that much bad luck.
Me: I wasn’t aware there was a cap on how much bad luck a person has. I don’t think it works that way.
Him: I don’t know what to say. This fucking sucks. You are the worlds best mom. He was the most amazing boy. How the fuck something like this happens, is beyond me. It just goes to show you, how fucked up this world is.
I stop talking. I think about the moving thing. I am torn. I leave it at that. I get out of the bath and get ready for my red-eye to New York.
My eyes burn from crying. There is a little boy, who is seated next to me. He’s flying alone. He’s only 6. I strike up a conversation. I ask him what he’s going to New York for. He says to see his daddy, because he misses him. My heart breaks. He’s holding onto a little lego guy. I ask to see it. He shows it to me and pulls off the head. Just like you used to do. His hair is bald under his stocking cap. Somebody is clearly messing with me. He won’t put on his seatbelt. I coax him in to doing it. I tell him the airplane won’t be able to take off, until he does. He can’t do it himself. I help him. He’s out like a light now. He was out before we even took off. I turn my head towards the window to pretend like I give a shit about what’s going on outside as we take off. I do not. I turn my head so I can sob into your blanket. I sob as quietly as possible for a good 15 minutes. I can’t seem to stop. I miss you so much. I can’t breathe.
For as much as I love New York and am so thankful to be going, I hate all of this. I hate that we all are apart. You, wherever you are. Me, going to New York. Your daddy and brothers, at home. It would not be this way, if you were still here. I wouldn’t be doing any of this. All I ever wanted was simple. That was one of the biggest reasons I married your Daddy. Because everything was so simple. Our life revolved around each other and the three of you. It was so easy. No drama. No fighting. No cheating. No lying. Just a life that was so good and wholesome. Apparently that pissed somebody off, because we were then dealt the fucking worst hand. It was like, “Oh hello. You all love each other too much, so here’s some cancer for you. And not only cancer, but cancer in the form of your 3 year old and he’s going to die from it too.” What in the hell is that? Now I’m watching these other families that have gone through this or are going through this and it’s the same thing for them as well. The nicest families. It makes no sense at all. You can’t make sense out of nonsense, right Ro. I know this but I will never quit trying. I will always be searching for the answers that do not exist.
I am in New York now. Stacy is with me. As soon as we arrived, it started raining. You know that made me smile. We spent the day trying to catch up on a little sleep, grabbed a bite to eat, then I came back and tried to nap again. Poppy is still making me tired. I tried to nap but I really just went through some of the 500 email messages that had popped up in my inbox from just this morning. We met up with our Fairy RoMo for dinner and a little secret guest. It was a good dinner full of lots of secret plans that will be revealed when the time is right. I asked Stacy and your Fairy RoMo to come with me, knowing that you don’t get any better than those two when it comes to needing an open-minded opinion/some gut trusting intuition. We all left there with the same feelings of this totally feels right. I was so happy we were on the same page. It means the world to me that I was able to have the both of them there. I truly do have the most amazing friends.
That was last night, this is tomorrow night. Holy amazeballs. This city. I honestly come here, without many plans and the most amazing things come my way. It is pure Romagic. Today, we got up and walked the streets, making our way to see Fairy RoMo. We spent the day with her. The days with her always feel like I’ve been transported into another world, another time, where I actually feel happy. She has that infectious way about her that just makes me feel good. A feeling that doesn’t happen very often to me anymore. We saw some sights. Met up with one of her dear friends, who I have been dying to meet. Had a cocktail, (a virgin spicy bloody mary for me), and walked some more. It was one of those days where Stacy and I just kept looking at each other and saying, “Is this all really happening?” We parted ways as we had a dinner to run off to. We had plans to meet up with Scott Kennedy from Solving Kids’ Cancer. Stacy has been dying to meet him and I was so excited to see him as well. I got a little surprise at dinner. Scott had brought a lady with him, who he introduced as Catheryn. I thought she was just somebody he worked with. We said hello and I started asking her how she got involved in the foundation as she said she had just started working there. She then told me she was John London’s wife. John London is the other dad who started up Solving Kids’ Cancer with Scott. “Oh my god. You’re Penelope’s mom.” I said tearing up. I grabbed her for a hug. I know their story. It like ours, does not have a happy ending. Penelople’s parents fought with everything and more to save their precious little girl. Oh, how I wish that mama still had her baby girl. I should have known there was a reason when the second I saw the woman standing before me, that I was so drawn to her. It was because her eyes, looked exactly like mine. They burned with pain and beauty right into my soul. We had a great dinner. Which now I’m thinking, really, a great dinner? How can that be? It’s the kind of dinner that is always sad. So fucking sad. The fact that 3 of us, were sitting there with dead children is about as sick of a joke as you can get. It will never be a dinner where we carelessly drink our “hectic” day away without a care in the world, like everyone around us seemed to be doing. It will never be a dinner full of so much laugher and joy. It will always be a dinner full of sorrow, pain, love and survival. We don’t get to have normal dinners ever again. And I would never want to because normal to me will never exist. I have accepted that. I am making my own new fucking normal. I was thankful for not having to sit through a dinner and fake it. I don’t do those dinners ever anyway, because I just cannot. I am careful about the company I surround myself with. I was glad to be in the company that I was, even under our circumstances. We left that dinner and I looked at Stacy and said, “That man. (meaning Scott Kennedy) makes me want to move to New York and raise a billion dollars for childhood cancer.” In other words, he is incredible. I am so thankful to have him as a mentor and a friend.
Stacy left today. I was sad to see her go. I need to end this here. I’m beyond wiped. I love you baby. I miss you. Please, I hope you are safe.