I am either allergic to our house or Poppy is a vegetarian.

Ronan. I really was not going to write tonight, but then I lay here with these thoughts swirling in my head and I cannot sleep. Please hold. I think I might have to throw up. I am back. Throw up I did. Disgusting. I think it’s official. There are two very logical reasons behind why I am still getting sick. 1) I am allergic to our house which makes perfect sense to me, but nobody else. Why wouldn’t I be allergic to our house? I, as a mother am living, eating, sleeping, barely breathing in the house I lived with you, but you are not here because you are dead from childhood cancer. To me, that would make any mom extremely sick. Or 2) Poppy is a vegetarian and is pissed I ate a chicken taco for dinner tonight because as soon as I got to our front door and was yelling at your daddy to hurry up and open it before I barfed all over our porch, I made it inside just in time to barf in our hallway toilet. Those are just my two theory’s though. What do I know, I am only a grieving mom and due to this I think half of the things that go through my mind, are not very rational on many levels. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that, it just goes hand and hand with always feeling like you really do not know what you are doing, after losing a child. Nothing makes sense. The big stuff that I used to think was so important, seems so trivial. I often feel as though I live on planet mars and everyone lives a normal life on earth. I’m learning to become o.k. with that, but it still feels really, really lonely at times.

Today, I went to my very important office where I did very important things like start a fight on Twitter. O.k., I did not start a fight on twitter, but I got wrapped up in one and before I knew it, my impulsive side took over and I made some snarky remark where I compared someone’s else’s pain (which I don’t understand, because I lost you so sometimes think I know EVERYTHING about pain), to the pain of losing a child. I knew it was wrong to do, but I felt I had every right to comment because I as a bereaved mom tend to get so easily offended when I hear people complain about what I think is really stupid shit. I mean please, what I wouldn’t give in this world to have normal problems which do not include a dead child. The bottom line is, it was wrong and childish and I am very sorry. I learned a big fat lesson which is sometimes I need to step back and shut my big fat mouth. It’s never nice to compare pain but man, how I wish people would also just sometimes take a step back and just be thankful for being alive and in this moment. I guess because you were robbed of that Ronan, I will probably always be overly sensitive to living in this world where I see so many people taking the simplest things for granted. I, of course want to slap them all and throw you in their face, but it is not my place to do that. I am going to try to work on remembering that more. So besides my Twitter war, I was really productive.

I went and surprised your brothers today and took them out of school early. I did not tell them I was doing this because another thing about this world is it’s really hard for me to commit to things because I never know what state of mind I am going to be in. I did not want to tell them I was picking them up early, then not show up because I was having a day where I was shackled to my bed. Thankfully, I did not have one of those days today and I got to surprise them at school instead. I pulled them out early so we could go over to Fernanda’s house to watch Taylor Swift on Katie. They were so excited and happy that it melted my heart a bit. We arrived over at Fer’s house and Stacy and her kids joined us. It was a nice little pow wow of an afternoon where I got to watch your brothers run around and be kids, while also being with my friends. Your brothers had basketball practice so we had to leave pretty quickly after the Taylor show ended. We ended up meeting Stacy and her family for dinner but before we got there, I had to have a talk with Liam in the car. His teacher today, asked me if we have had his eyes checked. I told her we had, and that he has glasses that he is supposed to wear, but won’t wear them at school. I told her how we make him wear them at home, but getting him to actually wear them at school, has been an issue. I told her that I would talk to him about it, this weekend. Of course that meant tonight. I gently brought it up in the car on the way over to dinner. Liam got so upset. As in crying upset. He was still crying when we got to the restaurant. I walked with him and put my arm around him, trying my hardest to tell him how great glasses are and how important it is, that he wears them. He wasn’t having it. I had to bite my tongue as I was watching him cry and let me tell you, it took everything for me to say, “Glasses are NOT something to cry about. Cancer is.” I said it in my head alright, a few times. I thought about how that would make HIM feel, to have that said out loud to him. I decided against it and tried to work some different angles instead. We will talk about this more over the weekend, and hopefully I can have it talked into by Monday. I get it. He’s 9. Glasses will make him different. What kid at 9, wants to be different? He is already different enough by having a dead baby brother. You know how much this breaks my heart. I wish I could fix all of this, Ronan. I so with your brothers did not know what it feels like, to be different like this.

We were driving home and I pulled out my phone to show your daddy the new license plate I ordered today because my tabs are expired. They have a new license plate in AZ for childhood cancer, which you know I am thrilled about. I was playing with it online, getting ready to order my personalized plate. I typed in two options. The first one being FUC (Fuck you cancer) of course. I laughed out loud at that one. The second one being Ro Baby. I went back and forth for a bit and once again those brothers of yours, popped in my head. I made the decision to order the Ro Baby one instead of the one I really wanted, for the sake of them. Of course I wanted to get a rise out of your daddy, so I told him I had ordered the FUC one. Your brothers were in the car, too. They were mortified. Well, at least Quinn was. He goes, “Mom. Why did you have to do that?” When I saw how upset he was, I quickly told him I didn’t really, that I ordered the Ro Baby one instead. He goes, “Thank you for making the right choice.” It’s moments like that, where I am simply blown away by how sweet, innocent, and level-headed your brothers are, even after going through something like this. It reminds me for as much as I think I am doing wrong, I must be doing something right. They are proof of that.

I’m going to end this here now. My stomach is feeling a little better and I am wiped out from not sleeping well at all last night. I tossed and turned in your bed all night long. It feels so wrong, to sleep there without you. I love you, Ronan. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.


55 responses to “I am either allergic to our house or Poppy is a vegetarian.”

  1. I think it must be so hard for you, to have a new baby growing in your body and a dead one sitting on your dresser. No one can blame you for feeling allergic to your house. I would vomit every time I pass his empty room if I were you.

    You are right that there’s different types of pain and it’s not fair to compare. I grew up in an abusive family and ended up homeless by age 16, and eventually in a woman’s shelter until I could finish school. Now at 22 I have a real home (even if it’s a NY shoebox hah) and some of that pain from being dumped on the street is going away. But your pain will literally never go away and for that I am so sorry. Idk what your Twitter war was about but it’s not worth your time – that time could be spent running, listening to music, raising awareness, creating Ronan skull onesis for BabyPop, eating pie!

    1. You are DEFINITELY allergic to your house. How can you not be? I have to tell you I ordered the FU cancer bracelets from Palmer Cash and some tees…well…this is the power of Ronan. My 8th grade (13 year old) daughter had to have one of the bracelets to wear to school …She has been reading about Ronan, telling all her friends about him and THOSE EYES…anywho she was asking me if she should wear the bracelet to school because of the F word…I said do you want to wear it? Yes. She said what if I get ISR (in school restriction) if a teacher sees it? I said well do you believe in what the bracelet stands for? She said of course. I said then wear it and if a teacher sees it explain to them who Ronan is. You have 2 options…either you will spread RO LOVE or your ass will end up in detention. So day 1…second period …a teacher sees it (and this is an old grumpy teacher…lol)…Liv is about to get sent to the principals office…then she explains all about Ronan. The teacher was in shock…literally. No principals office. My daughter spent the rest of the day SHOWING all her teachers her bracelet…she came home and said “Mom I was scared to get into trouble at first..but then it didn’t matter…I was proud to wear it and tell Ronan’s story.” …we both agreed that we will make it our mission to tell people about Ronan and childhood cancer…PROMISE!

      1. Hats off to your daughter and you. She was incredibly brave. Maya’s Mafia is growing.

  2. Thanks for sharing your day with us, I know you are talking to Ronan, but still…thanks!
    I understand what you mean about appreciating what we have now and stop whining about so many stupid things like our weight or a pimple (and I have no idea what your Twitter fight was about) is silly, come on people it could be worst, trust me!
    My two big brothers died when they were young and even though my mom is “fine” now, there’s always sadness in her eyes. The lost of a child is something you never overcome. So yes, I agree: yo are allergic to the house! 😉 you felt so good when you were out in NY…that or those tacos were questionable 😉
    Ps.: FUC!

  3. Hey Maya I watched you and woody on katie the other day and thought you were both wonderful. I don’t think there was one dry eye in that place. I know I was in a puddle of tears. Ronan is such a beautiful boy and I say that in present tense because he will always be that beautiful boy cancer could never take that away. I was so piss when watching the show and hearing lianne rimes or whatever the hell her name is bitch about losing her childhood and having to go to treatment for it. I wanted to scream at her grab her through the tv and be like your a god dam lucky girl never had you have to fight through such an ugly battle go through radiation and chemo and in the end lose your childhood. It sickens me hearing when people rant about dumb shit when you have to go through each day with the grief of losing the most beautiful baby boy. I just wanted to say thank you for giving kids with cancer a voice I’m over here shouting with you girl! I have a fuck you cancer and where it all the time. I gave One to a mom the other day when I was volunteering at CHOP her 3 yr old started her third round of chemo so I thought it was called for. It brought a smile to face and then she yelled fuck cancer pretty loud we both sat that there cracking up and crying all at the sametime. Thank you for being such an inspiration keep up the amazing work I know you’ll do great things and congrats on poppy she’s going to one spicy little monkey hopefully with her big brothers Ro bright blue eyes 🙂

  4. Hey Maya,

    1. Please, please, please read my messages on your last post and the one before that.
    2. I think it makes perfect sense for you to be allergic to the house in which Ronan used to eat, sleep and breath. Why the hell wouldn’t you be?
    3. You’re cute the way you said Poppy is a vegetarian. 😀
    4. You are the most amazing woman to ever touch the Earth and you deserve so much more than what you have.

    I wish I could do something for you, but given the circumstances (I am only twelve and I live in Australia), I probably can’t. Although, I do share Ronan’s story with EVERYONE I meet. Does that make you proud Ro Mama? They think I’m some sort of psycho reading cancer blogs as a twelve-year-old, but to be honest, I don’t care anymore. Ronan didn’t care what people thought when he lost his hair, right? So why should I care? I know it won’t help, but I’m sorry that all this is going on. I know you would give up anything to have Ro back.

    Stay safe, Maya.

    I LOVE you… your amazingly inspirational 😀

    Love from Ciara xx

    1. Gee, I always do that! Sorry… I mean YOU’RE instead of YOUR. x

      1. Wow, I’m bad at this! Sorry… I also mean BREATHE instead of BREATH. x

  5. http://bandannaday.com.au/ Check it out… that’s how we show our support in Australia! x

  6. It is written and then erased, as no words to say
    To make it better or make the pain go away.
    A beautiful life that once was,
    hides in the midst, behind your scars.
    There was no warning, there was no way
    to know that the blessing would be taken away.
    From a lifetime together, to the time cut short
    No one would have guessed and no one would have thought.
    It is so hard to not have control,
    to choose for him to stay and not to go
    to choose for him to breathe and not to leave
    For it to be okay and just a bad dream.
    Reality is often so hard to bear,
    because our hearts lie somewhere elsewhere,
    a place where you were happy,
    a place where you were free
    a place it was how it was meant to be.
    It cannot be written as it can only be felt,
    the eternal love that will never melt
    A love denied that was so sweet and true
    you now carry in your heart, inside you!

  7. I have thought for a while you may be legit allergic to something in your house. It is in fact medically possible. So don’t let anyone make you feel bonkers for thinking that. Allergies can develop at any time in your life & present in a variety of ways.
    Poor Liam :(. I started wearing glasses at 7 (in class, at the movies, etc). Maybe he can only wear them for classroom time & keep them with his teacher for lunch, recess, phys ed, etc.? Then he won’t have to worry about breaking them or losing them and only has to wear them to see the board/his class work.
    I hope you get to the bottom of the puking, it sucks. I would take a migraine any day over nausea. Feel better lady, and keep doing your big huge things!

  8. Go Maya, go. 🙂 You are strong!

  9. Maya,

    It must be hard every day not to trivialize other people pain and struggle when losing a child, losing your baby specifically, is literally most people’s worst nightmare. You and your crew should take it easy on yourselves. We all judge, and frankly it was hard not to in this situation. And you guys were being judged right back so id say its a wash. So next time you take the high road. Lesson learned.

    With that said, one of the most powerful impacts your love story is to give people perspective. You are helping people reach their full potential and not take anything for granted. I’m thankful for that gift as painful as it is to go through this way you I’m in it for the long haul because if it were my son I would want you to love him and get behind me and give me strength. You’re are so human and so relatable. That is why you will change things.

    P.S. Girls make you puke. Mine hated meat.

  10. Couldn’t help but to laugh out loud at your first license plate choice 🙂 personally, I think it is a great idea but for the sake of Liam and Quinn maybe Ro Baby was a better choice. I enjoyed reading about your twitter fight as well, as far as I am concerned I don’t think you were wrong(although maybe you came off a little unnecessary to the person) but you were not wrong. Every day I see people(including myself sometimes) complain about the littlest of things….like going to school? Really???! Are you f-ing kidding me? Do you know the things we would give to have Ronan or any other child who passed bc of this sick disease go to school? There are times(especially scrolling down my twitter TL) where I just want to respond shut the f up to everyones tweets bc it seems as if they have no appreciation for what life really is. You and Ronan and your blog have really taught me not to take life for granted and now every time I go to complain or get pissed off about something I stop and I think about Ronan and how unfair and horrible it is that he is not here. It just makes me stop and rather than complain to a friend or my twitter friends or whoever I just stay quiet or I mention something I’m happy about and grateful for, just life in general and how lucky I am to have life alone. That is something I thank you and Ro for, my new found appreciation for the little things. xoxo.

  11. Jessica Radovic Avatar
    Jessica Radovic

    Poor buddy. I know what it feels like to have to wear glasses at 9. It’s tough. I was kicked out of the “popular girls” group when i got my glasses and still remember the girls names who kicked me out. I know you will be able to help him get past this. You’re a great mom! Maybe some cool, trendy glasses will help? 🙂

  12. Maya,

    I love to read your posts where the passion comes out. Even if they make me laugh, but mostly they make me cry. They show that the fire inside for Ronan is never going to diminish and that the war is going to be brought to a lot of places where it should have already happened. Good luck Mr. President, whomever you are… it better be a Gold House next September!

    I hope you feel better! Poppy is just growing and playing havoc with your hormones so she can get big and strong. I know that this doesn’t help, but several of my friends were sick for almost all of their pregnancy.

    Or… you are allergic to your house. (hey, that explanation is as valid as anything else, right?)

  13. Hey Maya 🙂

    Since it really bothers Liam to wear glasses, how about putting him in contacts? My son is nine as well and it took just 3 days for my son to learn how to put them on.

    Hope you feel better

    1. I second this. My son also had them at 9.

  14. Maya, you are amazing. If you say you are allergic to your house, I believe you. I’m 14 years old and have lost a lot of people I love including many kids with cancer and your sweet Ronan. He never should have died. No child should for any reason but especially cancer. Each child who I’ve prayed for, hoped for, cried for, and rejoiced for holds a special place in my heart. All of this kids and angels have inspired me to become a child life specialist and write a book about pediatric cancer. (I’ve already started) I’ve been on this journey to bring awareness to pediatric cancer and end it for over 2 1/2 years. It hurts but I know it’s what God is calling me to do. NO ONE deserves cancer but especially not a child. Ronan touched so many people. I remember reading the post about you meeting Taylor and I cried…I was so happy. I remember reading tweets saying she wrote a song for Ronan and I cried. You and Ronan and Taylor are doing such amazing things. My friend and I had an account on twitter called TS_song4cancer. We had it for almost 2 years and it felt we were getting no where. And then, Taylor came out with “Ronan”. We had nothing to do with it but it was exactly what we wanted to happen with TS_song4cancer. Ronan is moving mountains from up in the sky! =) TS_song4cancer is now just a pediatric cancer account, Change_46_7. I think you still follow it. Like you, I sometimes don’t know where I’m going when I write, it just comes. I write in journals, on my blog, in the book I started…wherever I can and by the end, I usually feel better. Writing is amazing. It helps a lot. Thank you sharing Ronan’s, your, story. Thank you for continuing to write. Thank you for everything you are doing to help kids and families dealing with cancer. Thank you for being the amazing mama you are! ❤ I know Ronan is proud. -Love Marie

    P.S. Oh! I just remembered something I wanted to write but didn't. Losing many people I love and learning about the terrors of pediatric cancer has made me more grateful for what I have. I pray every night that God will continue waking me up in the morning because I know how fragile life is. I complain. A lot. I'm a teenager. I'm dramatic. And I feel bad for it. I know so many people have it much worse and would give anything to have "normal" small complaints. I try not to complain but I do and I'm sorry. ❤ And I am proud to say that I lived like Ronan on May 12, 2012. It was amazing! =) I saw Taylor perform Ronan on SU2C (after the fact) and I cried…I cry almost every time I listen to it. I saw you and Woody on the Katie Couric show and I cried. I wish I could have been in the audience. I hope you meet you someday, Maya.

  15. Hey Maya. Oh, I just wish I had words to write here that would adequately convey the knowledge to you that you have EVERY right to feel the way you do. No, my son didn’t die because of his cancer, but nonetheless, it has changed my thought patterns where other people are concerned. I no longer possess the tolerance that used to allow me to look past people and their petty circumstances. I see family members who struggle through what I call “self induced” hardships…I say to myself–and I want so much to say to them–that what my family has been through…what my son has fought through…was given to us on big fat GOLDEN PLATTER. WE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO TAKE THAT PLATTER, AND ALL IT CONTAINED, AND LIVE THROUGH IT–WORK THROUGH IT–AND THANKFULLY, MY SON SURVIVED THROUGH IT.

    But, all in all, when a mom’s child is forced to have to fight cancer, we moms experience a permanent change in our thought processes. It is hard to explain, but I do understand your thinking. I don’t know if this helps you in any way…but I feel it is important for you to know that there is a mom who can read through your words, and understand the true emotions of your heart that are so hard to get other people to understand. No, I haven’t lost my son, but I know….I know.

    ~Cassey, Mom to Christian

  16. Christine Klander Avatar
    Christine Klander

    Hi Maya:

    I have read your blog for awhile, from beginning to end. I have fallen in love with Ronan and you. What he went through and what you will always continue to go through makes me so sad. You are amazing and an inspiration to so many.

    I am glad to read you regret your comment on twitter regarding Leann Rimes. I have to admit it bummed me out yesterday when saw it. Believe me I GET IT, but she was also a guest of Katie, on the same show that first gave you national exposure, so I thought it was the wrong thing to do. You are so right that she had her childhood and Ronan was robbed of his by fucking Cancer!!!! However, even though I have never been a fan of hers, her childhood and pain is still her truth and to bear. I do beilve her parents completely fucked her over. That is awful! She was thrown into fame and really doesn’t know what it like to live in the real world. She would not have the problems she does and come off like a big baby celebrity type if she would have had parents like you and Woody. Remember she just got of rehab because she can not cope with life. It may seem like bullshit but it’s hers and we all have our own. I am so sorry yours is the worst possible kind!

    I love you! I love Ronan!!! You both make me a better Mom!

    I am going to the volunteer orientation at PCH and I hope they have a spot for me at the hospital to help out. I am doing this for your beautiful blue eyed boy, SuperTy, Lane, Mrs Bieber and all kids who are or will suffer from this awful, disgusting disease. I hope to do more too over time.

    Thank you Maya!!!

    1. I don’t have “the twitter” and don’t know what the whole story is/was. But seeing you mention Leann Rimes makes me take Maya’s side automatically. That girl has had a “the world owes me” attitude for years. We are close in age and I know her family through community functions and her patents could have done better- yes. But they DID teach her it was a privilege to have people listen to and buy her music and to treat people as such.

      As to her recent “breakdown”- the facts are stone cold black and white. I mean NO ill will toward Leann, but the TRUTH is that she saw a married man with two young boys and decided she had to have him- damn his wife and damn HER husband. Now people are calling her an adulterous home wrecker.

      Would that be fun? No. But there is a great way to NOT get called an adulterous home wrecker. Stay your ass out of married men’s beds, homegirl.

      And before anyone gripes that it takes two to tango- I think Eddie is as much a douchebag as Leann. If they felt it was “fate” that they be together, they should have gone to Mexico for quickie divorces and they’d have been able to avoid being labeled adulterers/whores/home wreckers/etc.

      I think Maya deserves a frigging MEDAL for not choking that entitled beat with one of the 5,647 bikinis she poses in when she calls the paparazzi to come take her picture.

      1. Damn iPhone!

        Patents = PARENTS
        Entitled beat = Entitled BRAT

  17. Thank u Maya got airways sharing your thoughts and feelings…sometimes i think that i have allot of problems avg sad enough i complain about but than i remember and you and think this is compare to cancer….so THANK YOU!!! I know your little girl will be a blessing..take care have a bless weekend…THAN YOU FOR BEING MY HERO

  18. Have you considered contacts for Liam? My daughter is 8 and has had contacts for a year now. She too wasn’t comfortable wearing glasses for various reasons. You should ask his eye doctor about it. He wouldn’t feel “different” anymore and would be able to see. It’s a win win.

  19. Maya,

    I totally understand you feeling like you are allergic to your house! You lost your baby boy that you loved and shared so many memories with him there. It’s normal that it makes you feel sick.

    I can’t imagine the pain that you are going through. I don’t know the pain of losing a child, but I do know how strong your little man must have been to go through all that he went through. When I was 13 I was diagnosed with Burkitt’s Lymphoma cancer. It was the hardest thing that I ever went through and will probably ever go through. I can honestly say that I didn’t go through half of the things that Ronan had to go through so I know how incredibly strong he had to be.

    I understand you comparing pain. I used to do the same thing to and honestly I still do. It pisses me off so much when I here people complaining about trivial things. For example when I hear my sister complaining about her life and how she feels like it isn’t worth living sometimes. I just want to shake her and say you don’t have it that bad. There are kids out there fighting for their lives. Something that they shouldn’t have to do. There are families out there that are losing their babies.

    I didn’t hear about Ronan until I heard Taylor’s song on Stand Up 2 Cancer. Throughout the whole song I was wiping tears from my face. Ever since hearing that song I have been following your blog and even went back and read your blog from the beginning. I have to say I have fallen in love with Ronan. He was such a beautiful and strong little boy. You and Ronan are such an inspiration!

    P.S. I loved your idea FUC for the license plate! I love Ro Baby too! Just another little piece ot Ronan that will always be with you 🙂

  20. I remember when I was Liam’s age and my parents took me out of school early too. I was so excited, only to find out that they took me out early to bring me to the eye doctors. I was just like Liam, I was horrified at the thought of glasses and I was screaming and crying in the car the whole way there. It turned out I didn’t need glasses although I was borderline. I went back a couple of years later and got some reading glasses, and of course I didn’t wesr them at first. i finally came to my senses and put them on when i was asked to read out loud at school, and everybody was complimenting me on them. Not one person made fun of me, everyone was saying how good they looked AND I could finally read clearly. I hope Liam will wear them in school, I know exactly how it feels to be in his shoes, but it wasn’t bad at all!

  21. RoMama,
    Hope you had a good nights sleep! Lil poppy is taking over 🙂
    I know how Liam feels. I was 7 and I’d wear them at home. Hated glasses. Still do ! Contacts all the way 🙂
    Love love your new plates Robaby!
    I was on a flight from Phx to SD this week and the man next to me started asking me about my 4 colorful bracelets. Three of which are fuck you cancer and the yellow “the Ronan Thompson foundation”. It was an honor telling him about Rockstar Ronan! Always rolove!!! XO

  22. Surprised by joy – William Wordsworth

    Surprised by joy – impatient as the wind
    I turned to share the transport – Oh! With whom
    But thee, long buried in the silent tomb,
    That spot which no vicissitude can find?
    Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind –
    But how could I forget thee? – Through what power,
    Even for the least division of an hour,
    Have I been so beguiled as to be blind
    To my most grievous loss? – That thought’s return
    Was the worse pang that sorrow ever bore,
    Save one, one only, when I stood forlorn,
    Knowing my heart’s best treasure was no more;
    That neither present time nor years unborn
    Could to my sight that heavenly face restore

    I’ve always loved this poem. Wordsworth wrote it after his daughter had passed away. I’ve never experienced such a loss (Please please God that I never will)) but I think this poem puts you in the shoes of someone who has and I feel his loss everytime I read it. Thought you might get something from it if you’re not already familiar with it x

    1. Probably should give more of an explanation.Something happened and wordsworths first thought was that he had to tell his daughter about it. He had forgotten for a minute that she was dead and the heart breaking realisation of this reality was second only to losing her when she died

  23. I just want to tell you how much I admire the strength you have… I have a 3 1/2 year old boy and I found out about you through Taylor Swifts song ‘Ronan’ … A tribute to your beautiful son! I can not imagine my life without my son in it… Cancer pisses me off so much… Specially child cancer… Taking lives of innocent kids… So young… Haven’t get been able to experience anything they should get the chance to! I fricken hate it and it is so frustrating! I just want you to know that I follow your blog and absolutely admire the impact the loss of Ronan is having on this world! If there is ever anything I can do to help, to get involved… I wouldn’t hesitate to help in any way I can! You are an amazing woman to have gone through and experience the loss you have had to endure and to be fighting to make a difference… If only everyone in the world fought as much! Go Ronan!!!! 🙂

  24. you are such a strong woman, I cant imagine the pain of loosing a child . I lost my mom to cancer in 97 and it still hurts, some days all I do is cry and cry. you are allergic to your house but I imagine it holds so many memories for you too, stay strong my friend!

  25. Maya
    I saw you on the Katie show. I was excited to be able to put a face with all your posts. You did a great job. I also wanted to tell you…..Ronan IS safe …….safer than any of us. He’s perfect and I KNOW you will see him again…..oh what a reunion that will be. I know that doesn’t help, but his death was not his END. He carries on doing more important work that you or I can ever imagine now, but we will some day. God choose perfect Ronan to do an important work….and as much as it hurts you I hope you can find some peace in this knowledge. Bad things happen to good people so good things can happen. You have a purpose, and through this awful horrible terrible bad thing YOU will bring to pass some GOODNESS. All because of Ronan. He is beautiful child. I’m so sorry for your pain. Continue with your good work. I will pray for you to find some peace.
    Much love to you sent from Idaho

  26. Maya,I first heard of you and Ronan on the Katie Show. Since then, I have read your entire blog. Let me just tell you it is the best I have ever read. I Love, Love, Love that you do not conform! FINALLY, someone who has the guts to tell it like is is! FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!! You are so truthful and brutally honest about your feelings! You were meant to be Ronan’s Mommy! You are such a SPICY little thing! I hate for you that this is how it had to be, but you are making a difference in other people’s lives, those dealing with Fucking cancer and even those who aren’t. You are such an inspiration to others!Your Ronan is a beautiful and special boy! The Foundation you are working your heart out on is Awesome!! Be proud of the Mommy you are, you ROCK! I think of Ronan and your family daily now. Keep up the good work so one day the world can say goodbye to neurofuckingblastoma!!!!!

  27. Poor Liam…it’s amazing what is important to a nine year old. One day he’ll look back and won’t believe the fuss he made.
    A little part of me wishes you had got the FUC license plate…but I love the RoBaby one. Just beautiful.

  28. Two things for my favorite blogger: I was sick for pretty much my entire 3rd pregnancy…could be walking down the street and all of a sudden gagging for no reason. I really have no advice on that one, it kind of just sucks. As for glasses, we just went through this with our 6 year old, he is wearing them ALL the time now. I put them in his backpack, and after a day or two of him not wearing them at school let the teacher know they were there and necessary. He wears them almost all the time now on his own.
    thanks for your blog!

  29. Jennifer Walters Avatar
    Jennifer Walters

    I don’t think anybody could blame you for being upset and comparing pains. I always was one to complain and gripe about the small things that felt so huge and important to me until I read about Tripp Roth. He had EB. I read his mother’s blog and quickly realized my problems don’t even compare to the struggles of others. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Ronan. He is changing the world through his amazingly strong mother. Thank you. Because of your determination and will to keep the promise to the most handsome blue eyed baby, children in the future will have a better chance. He was never meant to die. I have a 3 year old son. I could never imagine what your family is going through. It’s not fair. I am blessed to have a healthy child who can run around and tear up things, scream and fuss over things he gets mad about, keep me running after him constantly. Because of reading stories like Ronan’s I know to find the blessings of those things. I find myself getting upset at my son, and I think of parents like you who’d give anything to have those moments. I’m going to keep telling people about childhood cancer. If they get tired of hearing it, oh well I’m not giving up. It could easily be my precious blue eyed boy. Thank you for sharing your life. Thank you for giving everybody a little piece of Ronan. All for Ro, you are making an impact.

  30. Maya, yesterday we brought our beautiful 17 yr old son to apply for some services through our state. You see he is autistic/pdd disorder and somewhat limited. He is the light of my life and the joy ..I have fought like a crazy ass mom to get him the services he needs schools, etc….I have fought so long and so hard for so many years..I never stopped to grieve. He is here with us..thank you god and I feel guilty writing this, as you have lost your beautiful blue eyed boy. and feel I have no right ever to complain! I started reading your blog just the other day and was so deeply moved, I cried and cried. I cried for Ronan, for you, for your family and the HELL you have been through. I then cried for me and the hell we have been through. NOT the same or even close to the same hell I know ..but you helped me to finally let out the fear, anxiety, grief, loss I never could. Something, I could never do before. The raw emotion, courage, love you show inspires me to keep moving on. MY beautiful boy Daniel has a long road ahead of him..he is happy as a clam and loves his life.,the life I didnt choose for him, for us etc. I am so sorry for the loss of that beautiful boy Ronan…nothing has ever moved me than hearing and reading your story. I love that you say Fuck and dont care, as i do too…that you fight like a crazy ass person and dont care! You are a momma bear to the max and I love that!!!! I love that Ronan had such a great mom and I love you are having another baby..what a beautiful gift that little baby has ..to have such a great mom and dad and family! I thank you for your courage and inspiring me by writing about your tears …I felt I could cry and cry and it felt good!!!!!! 18 years is a long time to hold things in! I will keep following your story..god bless!

  31. Hi Mama Maya,
    It was Taylor who brought me here and it was you and Ronan who have changed my life.
    I have read this blog from the very first post and have finally caught up to you. My oh my Maya, you are such an inspiration to me, and Ronan… the most beautiful little boy (full of amazing spiciness) has completely given me a new perspective on life as I know it. I haven’t lived for long (I’m only 17) but I know that I have lived long enough to have taken so so much for granted. Every time I, or someone else does something completely selfish or stupid, Ronan and you pop into my head and remind me that EVERYTHING could be so much worse!
    Since finding you, I have tried to spend time learning more about childhood cancer and working out how I can help when I finish school. There is so much more out there than earning to much money and having stupid amounts of stuff. You have opened my eyes to this and I want to thank you so much for that. My mama works for Cure Cancer Australia (they fund innovative young cancer researchers in a lot of fields and this year, one of the young researchers who they are funding who is working to find a cure for neuroblastoma!) So finding out this information gave me so much hope to raise awareness of childhood cancer and spread the word in every way that I can and to also help mama’s organisation to do the same.
    Really, I just wanted to let you know how you are not only changing lives of the families and beautiful children who are suffering from this horrible disease, but you are changing lives for so many others. And hopefully we will be able to make a change as well.
    I love you, Ro, Woody, Quinn and Liam.
    Thankyou for everything – You are my superwoman.

  32. Your honesty touches my soul. This is such a wonderful outlet for you, thank you for sharing ❤

  33. Maya. I’ve been reading your blog for months. Your Ro baby is special. I say is, and not was because he’s obviously still around, causing beautiful things to happen everywhere. I couldn’t believe about his song! And your appearance on Katie Couric. It had to be your Ronan. I love your love for him. I can never ever EVER say I know how you feel, because I don’t. But I know sorry? It’s never enough. There aren’t enough I’m sorry’s in the world to make it feel better. There’s not enough anything to make it feel better. I lost my baby due to miscarriage in December of 2011. My little chunky Peanut baby. And hell, it hurts me so much, every freaking day. Everyone’s pain is different, and I am in no way comparing our pain, because that’s not fair to anyone. I just want you to know you are an amazing woman, doing what your little man would want in the wake of your grief. I don’t think you see yourself the way others do, but it’s true. I admire you very very much. I don’t know if you’ll read this, but if you do, I really just wanted you to read the poem below. If you’ve already seen it before, which you may have, that’s fine, but this so reminded me of you also. I only got to hold my baby in my tummy for a little while, but I’ll hold my Peanut in my heart forever. I think that’s a Mommy thing.

    What Makes a Mother? – Author Unknown”
    I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed today.
    I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
    ‘A mother has a baby, this we know is true’,
    ‘But can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you’?
    ‘Yes, you can’, He replied, with confidence in His voice
    ‘I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
    Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
    And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay’.
    I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
    He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
    ‘I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
    If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
    ’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
    But life’s a tricky thing, and it’s not always fair.
    I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
    If I had the choice, with her I’d chose to be.
    I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
    When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
    I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
    Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
    So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
    Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
    They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
    And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
    So now you know what makes a mother.
    It’s the feeling in your heart,
    Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
    Though some on earth may not realize until their time is done,
    Remember all the love you have,
    And you ARE a special Mom!’”

    You are a special Mom, Maya. There’s no fucking way it was fair or right for you to lose Ronan. Not that way, not ever. A mother should NEVER have to outlive her children. A mother should NEVER have to lose her baby the way you had to. Keep up your fight against childhood cancer. Beat the fu** out of cancer. Keep up the good work RoBaby and RoMama! Give childhood cancer a voice. I’m yelling with you!!
    -Michelle Liggett

  34. sofia brewington Avatar
    sofia brewington

    I HAVE TO SHARE THIS !! it was pure bullshit && the

    1. sofia brewington Avatar
      sofia brewington

      It needs to be known .. the rest is on my blog ..

      WTF HAS SOCIETY COME TO !!!???!!!

      Really !!??!! Animal abuse has more funding than childhood cancer in the state of tn !!!!! Wtf !!!! I’m ready to climb onto my roof && scream at the top of my damn lungs !!!!!!! Altho it won’t help much knowing I live in the sticks ..

      My God people !! Wtf is your problem !! Ur telling me ur rather save a dog or cat that the world is over populated with anyway .. than a KID ?? IT MAY NOT BE YOUR CHILD .. as I was corrected today .. BUT ITS ANOTHER FAMILIES CHILD !! WTF !!!!!!

      This world is pathetic !! U see a dog on the side of the road && drive right by .. but if they show u a few sad pictures of peoples animals that abused or neglected them u jump right on it ?? Right aftr seeing a commercial on St. Judes ??

      Someone won’t call for St. Judes but they’ll call for a dog .. wow .. the human race is declining rapidly .. && honestly its making me SICK !! I literally sat with a friend balling my eyes out to the St. Judes commercial with her just sitting there .. she looked at me && said “u are ovr emotional” I looked at her && she knew she fucked up .. I said “excuse me ??!!??” She said my bad .. && kept on about her “horrible life” .. nxt came on a commercial about donating for abused && neglected animals .. she got on the internet .. gave them her credit card number .. && said “im a good person”  .. I looked at her && told her as nicely as I could to get the Fuck out of my house .. she thought i was kidding apparently .. because she laughed .. I stood up .. opened the door .. && told her to get out .. she asked “really ?? Just because I didn’t donate to some sick kids ??”  “No .. because u think its a scam .. u think kids aren’t dying every day because of this bullshit !! Because this is all a joke to u !! U don’t kno wht a fucking horrible life is !! Ur nothing but an ignorant selfish bitch ” .. she said ” wow .. no I’m not the bitch .. u are ” && walked out .. && added whole driving off “delete my number u stupid c***” .. I laughed .. DONE && DONE !! BTW UVE GOTTA LOT OF GROWING UP TO DO !! && came in .. here I am .. not evn 15 minutes latr && she’s already telling her friends I’m selfish ..

      I’m so ready to hit someone .. I wish I didn’t live in the boonies where there’s nothing but alcoholics && druggies out there .. I need some fresh air .. my hearts racing .. my bloods boiling .. dear Lord give me strength ..

      Ima go cuddle with my sleeping babies .. all 4 of them .. they deserve tht ..

      I hope tomorrows not cold .. I wanna take my kids to the park to jump in some leaves ..
      They deserve to have an amazing day ..

      G’night dollies who do read this .. its time to clean a bit && cuddle my babies ❤

  35. FU CNCR…. That’s the plate I wanted to order and as of a few weeks ago It was available. Break the rules right? Ha! I just might do that thanks to you Maya! I did find myself become snooty (in a nice way) to a drive thru bank teller yesterday. I own a small biz and have to go to the bank 2-3 time per week and this month when i go, they give me a flyer with pink ribbons and a package pink and white m&m’s. Then they offer how they have a debit card for breast cancer awareness month.. blah blah blah! Most of the the time there is a line behind me and I just say thank you and leave. Friday, right at 5pm with 3 cars behind me, with the hole month of pink awareness and built up frustration, I said… “You guys should really do a Gold month in September for childhood cancer awareness. EVERYbody knows what the pink ribbon stands for and that is great!!! But lets add Gold to September”. She looked totally surprised and said she knew, there were so many colors and it is impossible to remember them all… I said yes but childhood cancer awareness is for our babies and they need to have a chance to grow up!!! I asked if her company has a suggestion box for employees to bring ideas to the table, I simply asked that she make that suggestion. She said she would but I am not sure!! So I think I need to find Rockstar Ronan bracelets before the end of the month and give to her on my next trip to the bank. Where can I find them? I would love to spread them around Chandler/Gilbert and this bank! Also, as I fundraise for Run Like a Rockstar I can give them away as well.

    Thank you Maya for making a difference!

  36. One more comment about your throwing up this pregnancy. I think all of your prayers to Ronan are being heard and delivered! You asked him to make your Poppy extra spicy! I think Ronan is putting lots if extra spice into this little girl making you more sick 🙂 Poppy is preparing you for the extra spice and sass that will help fill your home and hearts.


  37. Hi Maya, It’s Darcy from Buffalo, NY. I’m @Jaidee18 on twitter, an avid follower and admirer of you, your family and friends! I am in awe of your “Ronan Warrior Strength”, the changes and strides you are making in bringing MUCH NEEDED AND DESERVED AWARENESS for the GOLD Ribbon and childhood cancer. Unfortunately, It came out of the most devastating and unthinkable circumstances. You are literally and figuratively “A PHOENIX”, you have such a fire and a burning desire to kick kids cancer’s ass so fucking hard. You’re a Fucking Avenger for crying out loud! You are doing everything you can to make a legacy for your dear Ronan, You are doing it!
    And there will come a time where you will feel it in your heart the decision, to move or not to move. It will feel like an epiphany and I’m sure you will find some release either way. Keep on fighting, Just keep swimming, and keep carrying a bucket for your spicy POPstar!! 🙂 Your (Pretty) PRTT Lil girl! #FUCancer #RoLove

  38. I know it hurts! My grandparents lost their best friend to cancer… It sucks! I hope you feel better! And I know you can make it through this. I listen to Ronan everyday and I always cry! You are a true Rockstar Ronan

  39. I can appreciate your awareness of importance of celebrating Ronan’s life while allowing your two other boys to be boys. Here’s to a healthy baby girl!

  40. Hi Maya,

    I have been following your blog since the Stand Up to Cancer show. I have been going through a different kind of hell, nothing anywhere near yours..but you give me strength. My sister is now being tested for leukemia. She has a 4 and 5 year old. Cancer sucks.

    My son also struggled when he first had to get his glasses. The doctor had him look around the room without them on. Close his eyes. The doctor put the glasses on and had him look around the room again and he was hooked. He has worn them ever since.

    I hope that you can find some peace, for you.

    Keep fighting!

  41. Denise Borges da Silva Avatar
    Denise Borges da Silva

    Bom dia Maya, meu nome é Denise, moro em uma cidade bem pequena em Goiás no Brasil, tenho certeza de que nunca ouviu falar se quer. Descobri seu blog por acaso, estava em um site de curiosidades e vi uma noticia sobre a Taylor ter feito uma música para o pequeno Ronan, vi seu comentário emocionante de como se sentiu quando ouviu pela primeira vez a música feita em homenagem a ele. Me emocionei muito, nós que somos mães somos assim, sempre emocionadas pelos nossos pequenos. Tenho 2 filhos uma linda menina, a Anny que tem 7 anos, e um menino, meu bebê João de 3 anos. Leio o seu blog sempre emocionada e me imaginando nessa sua situação, como eu seria fraca diante disso. Tem uma semana que achei seu blog e desde então se tornou meu vício diário, leio ele todos os dias em todo o tempo vago que tenho no meu serviço. Comecei a ler desde o início, estou no mês de setembro mais não consegui conter a curiosidade de ler o mês de maio, chorei tanto na sua despedida de Ronan, esse mês é bem marcado mesmo pra você, meu pequeno bebê também nasceu em maio, no dia 26. Estou aqui escrevendo esse comentário sem nem saber se você vai conseguir entender alguma coisa do que estou dizendo, sem nem saber quem sou eu, sem saber também se irá ver o que estou escrevendo pra você. Quero te desejar tudo de melhor possível pra você, seu marido, os gêmeos e essa linda princesinha que vem para preencher ainda mais de alegria sua vida, eu sei que agente nunca recupera a dor de perder um filho, é inexplicável o amor que sentimos por esses pequenos, sei também que é uma coisa a qual você vai carregar até quando chegar a sua hora de desencarnar da terra dos humanos e passar para o mundo espiritual. Quero também te parabenizar por essa força diária que tem, ao levantar da cama todos os dias e seguir em frente, e sua prontidão em mostras o que é o cancêr e o quanto a falta de informação pode prejudicar ainda mais esse processo de busca para uma solução. Eu fico imaginando como em um país tão desenvolvido como o seu o cancêr pode ainda fazer tantas vítimas, e muitos sem cura, no meu país é tudo tão mais complicado. Além da falta de informação existe também a falta de estrutura dos estados para lidar com isso. A maioria dos diagnósticos de cancêr ou tumores entre outros são todos encaminhados para Barretos em São Paulo, e em muitos casos as famílias não acham vagas nas casas de apoio que existe lá e por muitas vezes ficam na rua, ou alguma alma caridosa oferecem as suas casas para morar. Tudo no Brasil é mais complicado a saúde aqui anda um caos, por isso tenho a certeza de que essa fundação irá conseguir achar uma cura, e um caminho menos doloroso pra essas crianças que tem o diagnostico de neuroblastoma. Mas quis deixar esse comentário aqui somente para deixar expressado pra você o quanto te admiro pela sua garra e sua força durante toda a caminhada que teve ao lado do seu bebê Ronan, e também por ter forças para continuar sendo a maravilhosa mãe, esposa e amiga que sempre demonstrou em todos os seus posts. Desde já, muito obrigada pela atenção!!! Boa Sorte em tudo na sua vida!!!

  42. Maya; my name is Madison I have read your blog and I am amazed by your courage and love, I have been debating on leaving a comment on your page for quite some time now because I didn’t know exactly what to say, and if what I said would be right. Now i know that the right thing to do is leave a comment and here is the reason why. I am a student at the University of South Carolina Upstate in my freshman year of college. Today on my way to class i noticed a flyer on a door and it looked a lot like a picture of Ronan. I went back outside and took a second look and sure as the world it was. There is going to be an event at our school tomorrow October 30, 2012 about Ronan’s story and I am going to try my very best to be there and show my support. I was so excited to see the flyer and know that Ronan’s story is spreading all across the world and touching so many peoples lives because I know his story has definitely touched mine and made a huge difference in the way I live my life. I will continue to share Ronan’s story with other in hope that it will make a difference in their lives.

    Thanks for making a difference in my life and many others;STAY STRONG
    “Never forget anything that once made you smile”

    -Love, Madison

  43. I haven’t experienced it~ no parent should have to! I still agree with you, there can be no greater or even comparable pain to losing a child. You are so strong. The way I look at life and my 3 year old son has changed (for the good) since learning about Ronan and your story. Thank you for that.

  44. Maya, cancer is a fucking asshole.
    Friday a dear friend of mine died after a long almost four year battle against brain cancer, she was 20 and her name was Erika. Today was one of the hardest and fucking horrible days of my life, today was her funeral. I was there thinking, while the priest was telling the sermon, “how many other lies his he going to tell us?”…I mean, I don’t want her to be welcome in His arms, I want her here. I want her to be leaving the long life she fucking deserved here with her parents and boyfriend and hundreds of friends. I’m mad.
    You know, she was one of the reasons why I started searching the internet about childhood cancer, one of the reasons why I found out about your amazing little boy, Ronan. He should be here, with you, Woody, Liam, Quinn and Poppy.
    I believed my friend could have made it, she was a fighter, she was an amazing photographer and she made everyday the best day of her life, even in these last almost four years of hard treatments.
    Thank you Maya for all the beautiful things you and Ro are doing to bring awareness about childhood cancer, I don’t want to see anymore parents go through what you went through and what Erika’s parents are going through this days and forever will go through (she also was an only child).
    I hope she is now with Ronan, maybe being his babysitter, she was so good with children, she will keep him safe.
    You are truly one of my heros, you, Ro and that pretty lady who sings so damn well (:
    (I’m sorry for my bad english, I’m from Italy. I hope you understood all. Oh, and sorry for all the words with the f!)

    P.S. Fuck you cancer, I fucking hate you.
    Erika, I miss you already.

  45. i absolutely love this blog, ever since I heard about Taylor’s song when it first came out, this blog has moved me in ways one wouldn’t even know to be possible. I’m 17 years old and I read superty’s blog as well and I can’t tell you how inspiring these blogs are to me. Sometimes I catch myself complaining over these stupid little things and reminding myself about you and ty’s mom that there are worse things in life than a shitty day at school. So for that, thank you.

  46. Thank you Maya for ordering the Ro Baby! It’s very nice. I love how you think of your other boys. My 12 year old needs glasses and refuses to wear them. I love how you include the boys in Ronan’s things. I include my kids in Kodiak’s things. They have more empathy and know what is most important. Good balanced kids. Thank you

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