Magic Medicine…. Round 5, Day 2

Ronan’s day went pretty well. He slept a lot today and I spent the day cuddled up  beside him. We were both tired from last night. Because he is hooked up to so many fluids to keep him hydrated, he wakes up about every half an hour to pee. He is too proud to wear a diaper and won’t even consider it. That’s my boy:) Mimi Kay came by at 2 and I got to go home. I came home, slept for a couple of hours, and got up right in time to see Liam and Quinn. Woody worked late at the office so I took Liam and Quinn out to Chelsea’s Kitchen for a date night. It was so sweet to spend some time with them. We had a great night together. Mimi is staying the night at the hospital tonight so I can have a little break and spend some time with Woody.  My parents get in tomorrow and I can’t wait to see them. Liam and Quinn do not know that Papa Jim is coming. It is going to be a nice surprise for them.

The nights in the hospital, when I can’t sleep, I spend my time on the computer trying to get the word out about Ronan. I have become obsessed with finding my little guy stylish hats to wear and I stumbled on the most adorable little boy website. The clothes are darling, something that is hard to find when you are looking for boy clothes; and their hats are right up Ronan’s alley. I emailed them last night to tell them I had the perfect model for their hats and wanted to know if they would be up for helping me raise awareness for childhood cancer. I was so surprised this morning when I woke up to an email and a got a phone call from a woman named Denise who is part owner of the company. She was so touched by Ronan’s story and wanted to be involved in any way possible. She then told me she was sending Ronan a huge box of clothes and hats for free. I was not expecting that at all! She also called back to ask if Ronan had brothers because she wanted to send them some things as well. How amazing is that? What  a great company and I am so excited to work with them. I have been emailing the GAP forever now with no response. Go figure. Guess they are too cool to bring awareness to something like childhood cancer. A big thank you to Denise. You have a heart of gold. Take the time to check out their website… if you have little boys, you will fall in love with their clothes. I also have a link on the right side of Ronan’s blog that will take you right to it.

I also came home today to find an envelope in the mail from a friend of Woody’s from law school, Marcela. Her little girl just celebrated her 2nd birthday and instead of asking for gifts, Marcela asked everyone to donate to Ronan’s Foundation. I opened up a card with about 10 checks in it. I started bawling after reading the card that everyone had signed and just because of the beauty that came with it. Talk about a selfless thing to do. Marcela, your heart is so beautiful. I knew that from the first time I met you when Woody was in law school. I was so nervous to meet all of his law school friends but I had a connection with you from the beginning. Thank you for being so selfless and knowing what really matters in life. I love you.

The word is spreading about Ronan. As of today, I have 121,098 hits on his blog. His website is coming along. I will be so excited when that is up and running. Thank you to all of you who are getting the word out about our baby boy. He is such a strong little guy and is going to beat this fight, kicking and screaming the entire time. I could not ask for anything more.

Time to go and spend some time with my hubby. Love you all so very much. Thanks to Mimi Kay for giving me a break from the hospital. The time I had with Liam and Quinn tonight was just what I needed. I love you.


What am I doing?? Not sleeping.

UGH. I should be sleeping. I can feel myself getting tired. I tried to sleep. I really did. I cuddled up with Ronan and he was sooooo snuggly. He soon fell asleep. I did not. As soon as I started to drift off, the nurses started coming in and out. Checking his fluids, blood pressure, giving him his anti-nausea meds, and they finally started the chemo around 1:00 a.m. This means we will be here until Saturday now. I’m not complaining. I’m not going to have a breakdown like last time. I am seriously thankful that we are moving ahead. I am thankful that he is strong enough to start round 5. One more round after this, which we will do in New York City, and Ronan will be finished with all of his chemo. I think it is going to be bittersweet. I have learned to depend on the chemo just for the fact that I know it is killing his cancer. Being off of it seems a bit scary to me. All of the unknown of all of this is scary. I just have to remember deep breaths and one day at a time. This baby is so precious to me. I guess I have such a strong bond with him because he is my last baby. Even though I would have 10 more if Woody would let me;) Kidding, but I do love being a mommy and having babies. I think it is the greatest gift on earth and I am so proud to be the mommy to 3 amazing boys.

I am a little freaked out by something. Maybe not freaked out, but I don’t know how to explain it…. So I’ll just tell you. Every summer, when I am in Washington I take my journals home with me and write my heart out. I write about things we are doing, funny things the boys have said or done, what I am feeling, etc….. I take my time in Washington and just purify my soul. It is very slow paced there, very peaceful, very quiet and I have a lot of time to reflect on things. A few weeks ago, I remembered something I had written in one of my journals while I was in Washington and I couldn’t remember if it was real or not. I went and dug it out and sure enough, in my writing, there it was. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, grabbing my journal, and scribbling down, “This is going to be the hardest year of your life. If you can make it through this, you can make it through anything.” I’ve been thinking about this non-stop now, since I went and re-read it. It is freaking me out. How in the world did I have such a strong feeling about something that it caused me to wake up in the middle of the night and write it down. I don’t know what possessed me to write such a thing, but it was written in early August. Ronan was diagnosed August 12. I never thought this would be what I was up against. But it is… and I’m not sure what this all means; but somehow I knew it was fucking coming. And I know I have to fight my hardest and pour everything I have into Ronan, Woody, Liam and Quinn. Ronan will beat this, we will survive this as a family, and we will win. We will have a positive story to tell after all of this is said and done. Ronan is the strongest little boy out there, and I know if anyone can beat this, it is him. He is fighting everyday and will never stop. I, as his mommy, will never stop. The outcome of this will be beautiful and life changing. It just has to be.

2 a.m. O.K. Really going to try to get some rest. Thanks for listening to me, thank you for being my outlet. G’nite, again<3

Magic Medicine…. Round 5, Day 1

Ronan’s counts came back and thankfully, they were high enough for us to start Round 5! Big sigh of relief for us. Now, we are just waiting on hearing back from Sloan Kettering to see what our surgery date will be changed to. We will be now be leaving later than we had originally planned for New York. I am staying positive…. everything happens for a reason. We are very grateful to get round 5 started today. Woody talked to Dr. Eshun today, our main Oncologist here, and they are working with Sloan, to get us rescheduled for Ronan’s surgery. We were scheduled for Dec.20th, but that has changed due to starting Round 5 a week late. The problem is now, that Dr. La Quaila is totally booked up until January 7th. We don’t want to let too much time to pass between this last round of chemo, and surgery. Woody has been calling the doctors in New York everyday to get them to somehow squeeze us in earlier. A few days ago, they said they could do it January 14th… which was way too late. Now, they are saying January 7th. Woody asked Dr. Eshun if we should just stay here and do the surgery in order to have it earlier. He said no, he really wants to Dr. La Qualia to do it because he is going to do the best job of getting all of the tumor. I am so thankful Dr. Eshun has no ego or agenda involved except for what is best for Ronan.

We are still waiting to start Ronan’s chemo. It won’t get started until after midnight tonight. They are still pre-hydrating him, and then they will have to pre-med him before we can start it. We have the best roommate EVER! He is a little 9 year old boy and he has been playing with Ronan all day. Ronan loves him and they are having the best time. Ronan is even sharing his Star Wars guys with him if you can believe that one! And he likes the little boy so much that I even got to run down to the cafeteria to grab something and Ro just sat in his room and played with Dawson and his mom. NICE! He never lets me leave him, but this time, it was no big deal. This little boy will be here all week which will be great for us. A good roommate makes such a big difference.

I am so happy we are on the way to being done with Round 5. NYC or bust!! Ronan is in great spirits and has been so happy and sweet. Goodnight to all of our angels out there! Sweetest dreams and blessings to you all!

Beautiful weekend, beautiful friends

What a great, long weekend. We spent it pretty low key. We really just hung out at home, watching movies, playing outside, and getting ready for the upcoming week. On Saturday, Charisma, and her family, who had been in Tucson for Thanksgiving, drove up for the day to see us. We spent the day watching the boys play, Charisma and I went and got pedicures while the Woody held down the fort, and then we went to Chelsea’s Kitchen for dinner with some of the girls. I can’t tell you how nice it was to spend some time with my friend. I miss her so much and will never let so much time pass again before seeing her again. The boys really get along with her son. He is such a sweet soul like his mama. Ronan was very playful with her and had no problem warming up. I was surprised considering the way he usually is around people. I am happy CC got to see how “healthy” he looks. He was running around, happy as a clam the entire day and night. It was a great day and night. I was sad to see her go… wish I could keep her with me here forever;) Ronan’s favorite soon to be doctor, Katie, also came by the house for a visit. At the beginning of all of this, when everyone was poking and prodding at Ronan, because they didn’t know what was wrong yet…. Dr. Katie is the only one Ronan would let come near him. She sat in on the surgery when they removed the tumor out of the left orbit of his eye. She is family to us now and it was so good to see her. Ronan is still talking about it this morning. He keeps telling me he loves Dr. Katie and wants to know why he can’t see her at the hospital. So cute and sweet. Thanks Katie for the visit. It meant so much to us to be able to see you. Your being there for us during the hardest time in our life is something we will always be grateful for. You were the only one who put my mind at ease.

Tomorrow, we go into the clinic and we will have Ronan’s platelets checked. We need them to be above 75,000 in order to start his chemo week. Praying that they are. I’m stressing that this is now going to throw off our whole New York plan. We will know more tomorrow depending on if we get to start this round or not. It’s not good to let more than 6 weeks pass in between chemo treatments. I just cannot imagine that he will not be good to go….. he looks and is acting like he is feeling great. He’s been so loving to me lately. I know a lot of it has to do with being home and with Liam, Quinn, and Woody. Today, I sat on the couch with Quinn and Ronan and watched all of the new version of “Alice in Wonderland.” Quinn and Ronan loved it. I couldn’t believe Ro sat through the entire movie. About every 20 minutes he would wrap his arms around me, smile up at me and give me the biggest kiss. It was so sweet. Liam and Woody spent the day watching football and playing some G.I. Joe PS3 game.

Everyone is tired tonight and we all need a good nights sleep to get ready for the week ahead. Last night, I made the mistake of coming home from my evening out and I didn’t take my medication that helps me sleep. I was trying to prove to myself that I was so tired, that I didn’t need it. Big mistake. It was the worst night of sleep. I tossed and turned all night long and had the most horrific dreams. I won’t be making that mistake again. It’s not worth it at this point in my life.

Good morning! I fell asleep soon after writing that last night. Ronan was way too cuddly for me to stay awake. A good night sleep makes such a difference. Boys are off to school and Ro playing Star Wars in his room. I’m ready to check in to the hospital. Fingers crossed. I’ve had our bags packed and in the car for a week now. I have Ronan all prepped and he knows that we have to go in today. He seems fine with it. I’ve come to learn that if I prepare him for things, he adjusts better to the situation. I hope you all have a beautiful Monday. I will keep you posted on if we are admitted today or not. Love to you all!!


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? That’s alright because I like the way it hurts

Sooooo, I made the mistake of watching the movie “7 pounds” tonight. I knew it was a bad idea from the start. Way too sad but I wanted to see if I would feel anything from watching it. I’ve kind of been freaking out that my medication is making me numb to everything. I don’t want to be numb, but I also can’t handle all the pain that comes with all of this. Reality check! I can still feel pain because I ended up locking myself in my bathroom with all the lights off and crying like crazy. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, I dare you watch it and try not to cry. Impossible. I also sat in my bathroom and pinched myself about a dozen times, just to make sure this is all still real. That is something I used to often do before all of this; to make sure my perfect life was real. I felt the pinches. But I wish I wouldn’t have.This whole not crying for a few days has not been good. I need to let a lot of this out and I feel better when I do.

Overall it was a good day. Spent the entire day at home with the boys and then Wood, Liam and Quinn went off to the ASU game. Ronan and I hung out here and my friend, Danielle came by for a bit. Ronan was a little shy but ended up letting her stay for a while. I always love spending time with her and she lives pretty close by so that’s a bonus:)

Ronan is curled up beside me, sleeping sweetly. There is nothing more I love than waking up with him in the morning. I usually wake up before him and just watch him sleep. This morning, I was pretending to be sleeping as I saw him stirring. He sat up and goes, “Good morning, Mom!” Then he started rubbing my head and kissing me. I cannot explain to you how little things like that make me feel. It’s the best feeling in the world. I’m tired tonight and we have some friends coming to visit tomorrow so I am going to try to get some sleep soon. I hope you all are having a great long weekend with your loved ones. Sweet dreams to you all. xoxo

Treasure each day, because you don’t know how many you’re going to be given

There was a reason we didn’t start chemo this week. It was because we needed to be together this Thanksgiving as a family. It truly was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in my life. Woody and I started off the day by making a big breakfast for the boys’ and Uncle Ron came over to join us. I then headed out for a good 5 mile run. It was fabulous. The sun was shining, people were out and about, and it made me feel so happy. I came home, showered and got the boys’ ready to head over to the Kotalik’s for our Thanksgiving feast. Karen, of course outdid herself. The food was to die for and the company could not have been better. I am so lucky to call them family. We spent a lot of time outside playing football and basketball. Ronan was entertained by Karen’s youngest daughter, Olivia, who is such a doll with Ronan. She adores him and is so good to him. It was sweet to watch. I got to spend some time with Liz, who I call my soul sister. She is almost 21, and is a huge part of my heart. We sat and caught up for a long time. She will be coming to New York as well and is so excited. I am so lucky and blessed to have the Kotaliks… Mimi Kay has the best friends.

We took the time on our drive over today and each said what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful for this moment in time, for my boys and Woody, and our amazing support system.Woody said he was thankful for being together and how proud he is of Liam, Quinn, and Ronan who are growing up to be such amazing boys. Quinn was thankful for our family. Liam was thankful for Christmas to be the next holiday and for each other. Ronan was thankful for Star Wars:) So cute.

Liam and Quinn are in a Fantasy Football league this year and as of now, they are the number one team. If they win, they win 600 dollars. Craziness! Tonight, we were talking about what they would do with the money if they won and Quinn goes, “Maybe we could donate it to Ronan’s Foundation.” I wanted to melt on the floor right then and there. He is so thoughtful and kind. What a big thing for a 7-year-old to think of. It made me so proud of him.

I am thankful for so many things everyday. I still get sad about what we are going through; but we are getting through this one day at a time and counting our blessings. We finding so many little things that make our lives happy. I am trying my hardest to stay positive and I mostly get sad for Ronan, Liam, and Quinn. It’s hard to watch your babies worlds change at such a fast pace. You can’t ignore the pain in their eyes…. but we have a lot of talks about our feelings and I think that helps. I talked to Quinn tonight about what he is scared about. He said he was scared that he was going to get cancer too. I assured him that he will not, and neither will Liam. In the back of my mind, I was thinking, what do I know…. if it can happen to Ronan, it can happen to anyone. He felt better after I promised him he was not going to get it. I know he sits and thinks about these things and it’s my job to fish it out of him so we can talk about it. I feel like I’m doing a good job with that and so is Woody. I can’t do this alone. I thought for a long time that I could and it was easy to try to tackle everything by myself. But I missed my best friend too much. I need Woody and I need us to be a team. We are again; and things have gotten so much easier. I couldn’t ask for a better man to go through this with. Once again, I am beyond blessed.

I’ve been thinking all day about all the beautiful things in our life. The fact that we have 3 boys is a miracle in itself. Those 3 boys, are everything to us. I am thankful that after being with Wood for 11 years that he is still my best friend and the man I love. Some people never know that feeling. I am thankful that Woody still looks at me like the 21 year old girl he met 11 years ago. He still loves and adores me and treats me like I am his princess. I am thankful that we are still each others true loves. I am so thankful for Woody’s parents and I don’t know how we would manage going through this without them. I am thankful for all of my family. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss them. I am thankful for all of my friends. They are the truest and purest souls put on this planet. They would not be in my life if they were not. I know for a fact, that I would not be able to get through this without them. I am thankful for the pure kindness of strangers. I had no idea how beautiful people can really be…. without having agendas. I am thankful for everyday that I get to look into Ronan’s beautiful blue eyes and how he loves to kiss the spot on the back of my neck and I do the same to him. We call it our sugar spot. I love it when he lets me give him “sugar.” The days that he smiles and is happy mean everything to me. His good days make all the bad days go away. I never knew I could love so deeply in my life. I am so full of love for my family that I feel like I could burst.

It is our love that is going to get us through this. This little boy is not going anywhere. When I was running the other night I looked up at the sky and prayed and prayed for Ronan to beat this. He belongs with us forever.

P.S. To my Liz Kotalik. I love you like a sister. I am so proud of you and the amazing woman you have become. Soul sisters forever and ever. My heart belongs to you.

Have I mentioned how much I love music? It feeds my soul. Cheers to The Pretenders tonight. Love you all. Sweet dreams and all the blessings in the world.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothin’ you confess, could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So, if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you

When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You’re feelin’ all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
No, no, no, no, no
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you

Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast

I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland. A little lost, scared, curious, brave, hopeful, determined, a champion, a dreamer and strong. A little like the Mad Hatter too. Crazy, funny, smart, and zany. And the White Queen, confident, gracious, and sassy. I relate to so many of these characters in this movie. I feel like I am Alice, living a crazy dream, and I just can’t wake up. I haven’t cried in a few days, which is rare. I hope all of these drugs are not numbing me too much. I want to feel things… but I also don’t want to feel too much or else I won’t be able to function. These past few days I have been looking at Ronan and just feeling happy and extremely lucky to be able to spend so much time with him. His spirits have been great. He is so feisty and has been cracking me up. Last night, Liam and Quinn were in the shower and Ronan kept running in there and throwing things on them. I was trying to get him to stop but he of course was not listening. I did my pretend Woody call, which is sometimes what I do when Woody is not here, and sometimes it works and Ronan stops the naughty things he is doing. Last night when all that was happening, I yelled out, “Woooooody!” Ronan looked me dead in the eye and goes, “Woody’s not here.” I died laughing. Liam and Quinn were hysterical with laughter. It was so funny and smart of him. He has so much mischief and fire inside of him. It keeps me on my toes and I love every second of it. He is so strong and brave. He is my hero.

So, since we won’t be in the hospital for Thanksgiving, we will be spending it with our dear friends, The Kotaliks and Mimi and Papa. It is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever. We have so many things to be thankful for this year. Just to be able to be together as a family is a huge blessing. We will hopefully start his chemo on Monday. Woody is devastated that we have had a little set back but Ronan’s body needs to fully recover from the last round to start this next round. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and it will all work out. It just has to; we have come too far with all of this.

My mom and Jim will be coming out on the 1st of December for a visit. My mom is so nervous because of the way I flipped out on her the last time she was here. I keep reassuring her that I will be fine this time…. I’m on medication for crying out loud and I know that is helping. We are surprising the boys’ and not telling them that Papa Jim is coming too. They will be so thrilled. It will be nice to have both my mom and Jim here. I have a very special bond with my step-dad… I love him to pieces and feel so lucky that my mom married him when I was 13. He is the greatest man.

That’s all for tonight. Looking forward to a very peaceful weekend with some very special friends coming into town for a visit on Saturday. I am so excited about that. It has been much too long since I have seen this dear friend of mine. Planning on a fun Saturday night and taking her and a few other girls to Chelsea’s Kitchen for dinner. It is going to be a very special evening to say the least.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all tomorrow if I don’t get to check in. I am thankful, always, everyday for all of the blessings in my life. Love to you all, my friends.


I love my friends!!! Spread the word!!

Hey all you KHS alumni! We are planning a very casual mini-reunion for ALL classes on Sunday, December 26th, 2010. If you’re in town for the holidays, come to the Silver Star in Longview around 7pm where we’ll all get together to catch up with old classmates and have a good time! See you there!
Blue and Gold will always run deep though our veins and there’s no doubt that when one of our own has fallen we all would do anything to help her back up. Our fellow Hilander, Maya Thompson class of ’96, found out this past August that her 3 year-old son Ronan, has stage IV Neuroblastoma; a rare and very serious cancer. (If you want the s*it scared out of you, Google it). He has already had one surgery to remove a tumor behind his left eye and will be starting his 5th round of chemotherapy very soon. Next month, he will fly to New York to have another surgery to remove the massive tumor in his abdomen and will stay in NY for about a month while he recovers. Obviously all of this accrues ridiculous medical bills for the family even though they have insurance. We thought while we are all having fun during our little reunion it might be nice to help out the Thompson family. We are asking a suggested $5 donation from each person, which will all be donated to The Ronan Thompson Foundation to help the family out with his medical bills and once he beats this, they will continue to raise money in Ronan’s honor to donate to hospitals, cancer research, and childhood cancer awareness. We will also be selling “F*ck you cancer” and “Our little hero” bracelets for $5 each and “Rockstar Ronan” T-shirts for $20; all of the proceeds go to Ronan’s foundation. We hope you can come out to reminisce with all of your fellow classmates and donate to the Thompson family if you are able to. “To be with us, you have to be good. To stay with us, you have to be strong. To beat us, you have to be kidding. We Are Kelso.”

A change of plans

Ronan’s counts are not high enough to start chemo this week. What does this mean?? It means a lot… his surgery date will now have to be changed, as well as our flight out to New York. Trying not to stress too much… everything happens for a reason, right?? We will now get to spend Thanksgiving together as a family at our dear friends’, The Kotaliks. We will go back into the clinic on Monday to have his levels checked again. They have to be up…. we need to get his chemo started as soon as possible. I am going to relax and try to stay calm about this. Things will work out. I am going to take this as a very good sign that we were meant to all be together on Thanksgiving and I am very thankful for that alone.

On a good note, Ronan has gained 2 pounds this week! That is huge for such a little guy:) Mama has been feeding him well!!

Have a beautiful and blessed turkey day!! xoxo

P.S. I heart Tina Fey and this made me laugh.