Can I even blog about today/tonight? I don’t know. It was that horrific. And I don’t mean to sound like a whiny baby, because it takes a lot to break me. But if I have to hear one more fucking “beep, beep” from the machine Ronan is hooked up to, and then wait 10 minutes for the nurses to fix it, I’m going to crack. I’ve learned how to fix it myself. If I have to watch Finding Nemo on the lame TV one more time, I am going to crack. If I have to listen to Ronan yell and scream and hit me all day, I am going to crack. If I have to listen to our roommates blasting “Telemundo” one more night, I am going to punch someone. If I have to stand up and hold Ronan for 2 hours because he won’t let me sit down, I am going to crack. If I have to have him stay up all night because he naps so much during the day, I am going to crack.
I have just spent the past 6 hours in hell. He has been yelling, hitting, throwing things, and there is nothing I can do about it. Anybody who knows me knows that I am one of the calmest people on the planet. But I am about to break. I have no idea how I am not huddled up in a dark corner somewhere, sobbing hysterically. I’m sure I’ll be there soon enough. I cannot take another day/night like today, but I have no choice because I am his mother.
I find myself saying things in my head like, “How did I get here? This can’t be happening. This cannot be my life.” But it is, and I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. Tonight, I seriously texted Woody and told him to please check me into a mental ward. How much can one person take? How much more of this before I seriously do go insane? I thought I was strong, but now I’m not so sure. This is all way too much on days like today.
I want my loving, sweet, happy baby boy back. I can’t take the anger and pain within him that he does not know how to deal with except by taking it out on me. I cannot take not seeing Liam, Quinn, and Woody. I am completely alone in this, and I know that. I am alone with my thoughts, feelings, pain, and sadness because nobody can save me except myself. I am fighting, and I am fighting hard, but nothing is easy. I cannot even find the strength to eat or sleep. Food has lost all appeal to me. I live off coffee, water, and gum. I ate lunch today for the first time in a few days and then threw it up later after having Ronan attack me for an hour.
Too many details? Sorry. It’s the truth, and the truth hurts. I don’t want pity or sadness from anybody. I just want you to know what it is like to live the life of being the mother of a child who has cancer. I want this story to have an effect on people everywhere because NOBODY should have to go through this hell. Science and medicine are waaaaay too advanced to still be dealing with this bullshit. Where is all the funding for childhood cancer? Where is all the awareness? No child should have to feel this pain and suffering.
I will never understand why Ronan was chosen. I don’t care if the outcome is amazing when he does beat this. My child will have just walked from hell and back, and I will be right there with him, holding his hand and never letting go. So, is this heartbreaking enough? I hope so. Because something has to be done. I never get to look at Ronan anymore and feel happy and carefree. I now look at my son and see his innocence taken away and the anger in his eyes. The pain I feel from this I cannot even put into words.
I will survive this. I have to survive this. Ronan knows I will never give up on him. He can hurt me over and over, and I will take it because I have no choice.
This is all I can write tonight. I see a dark corner calling my name. Sweet dreams <3<3
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