Adios 2010… worst year of my life

I could
not be happier to see this year end. I told you what I was going to
say to 2010…. Adios Mother Fucker!!!! It started off great… and
I made some amazing friends whom have proved to me that they are
worthy of being in my life. For that, I will be forever grateful to
2010. But that is about the only good thing to come out of this
year. August 12, 2010 will forever be etched into my brain as the
absolute worst day of my life, and 2010 will forever be the worst
year of my life. I have never been so happy to put a year in the
past. 2011 is going to be Ronan’s year. His year of healing and
getting all better. We still have a long way to go to get him to
this point… but nothing will ever be as awful as having a doctor
tell you that your son has Stage 4 cancer. Things can only get
better from here. Bring on 2011! We cannot wait to see what it has
in store for us. Today, Liam, Quinn, Mimi, and Papa all returned to
PHX. It was a brutal day. I begged Woody to let the boys’ stay with
us and miss a few days of school. He wasn’t having it and I know it
really wasn’t a good idea due to what Ronan is about to go through;
but I am going to miss them so much. I cried all morning and was
bawling as we put them in the car to go to the airport. I had my
big sunglasses on so I don’t think they noticed. Well, Liam
didn’t.. Quinn of course did. Ronan didn’t really understand what
was going on, he just kept looking at me and saying, “But I’m going
to miss them so much.” I told him we would be home with them soon.
We spent the day spoiling Ronan rotten. We took him to our favorite
pizza place, right around the corner from the RMH and he ate a huge
lunch. We then came back here and played for most of the day. Ronan
and I curled up together and took a big nap. We were both tired.
Woody snuck out to go record shopping. As soon as he got back I
headed out for my dark Central Park run. It was a little scary
tonight… not a lot of people out. I only ran about 6 miles but it
felt good. Wasn’t too cold and it was fun to see all the people out
and about all dressed up going to their New Year’s parties. I tried
to think a lot about Monday and am trying my best to prepare for
what we are about to go through. I am trying to gather all of the
strength I have because I am going to need every ounce of it.
Tonight, Woody, Ronan and I had our own little party in our room. I
covered Ronan’s head in glitter and he put it all over my eyes and
face for me. I wore my silly feather headband and Ronan told me I
looked pretty. We ate cheese and crackers, Woody had his
beer and bought Sangria across the street for us as well. We
watched a Pearl Jam concert and Ronan was dancing and laughing the
entire night and has now decided he would like to be a rockstar
when he grows up. He is obsessed with Neil Young and “Rocking in
the Free World” is his favorite song. We did a lot of chasing him
around the RMH, going up and down the elevators. After we wore him
out, Woody and I put in “Easy A.” It was in my stocking from Woody
for Christmas. Love that movie;) Woody liked it too; it was the
first time he had seen it. He’s a tough sell too so I was
pleasantly surprised. Ronan is asleep, Woody is asleep, and I am
wishing I was asleep. Kind of want to stay up until Midnight, West
Coast time so I can make another New Year’s wish. No resolutions,
just wishes this year. I think you all know what I’ll be wishing
for. Cheers to 2011! I hope this year is filled with health,
happiness, and love. G’nite sweet angels. xoxo

I’m just a girl in the world

Favorite conversation of the night:

Me: “Ronan, you’re so nice.”

Ronan: “Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

Ronan: “Mom, you’re so cute.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ronan: “Your so welcome.”

I love his little voice so much. And that smile could melt your heart. I love that every night, he curls up beside me and holds my hand as he falls asleep. I love waking up to him each morning and his bright blue eyes, and how excited he is to wake up his brothers and start the day. Being with Ronan is like a piece of heaven. He is my little pea, and I am so lucky to be his pod.

Sarah came over early so I could go to my therapist appointment. It was a good one, as always. I always leave there more vunerable and with a flood of emotions running through me. I feel like it’s a cleansing of my soul that I really need though. After that, I ran some errands and came home to a happy Ronan who told me he missed me so much. He was all snuggled up in my bed with Sarah. As Sarah was leaving she told Ro she loved him and he told her he loved her too. So sweet.

Ronan is not feeling well today. He was really clingy most of the day. My dear friend, Gay, came over to help me pack. Thank GOD for her! She just comes in here and snaps her fingers, and bam!, it’s done. She is so much fun to be with, even when we are doing things like packing up bags. We got Liam and Quinn’s bag packed and Ronan’s. One more check mark off my list! Pam also stopped by and cracked Gay and I up the entire time with her funny stories about being at Sloan with her daughter and how important her flat iron for her hair and lip gloss were to her. It was her coping mechanism and I love it. Her daughter was having a major surgery done and Pam sat and applied lip gloss over and over again. I totally get it. I know I am going to be the same way. Anything to make the situation seem a little more normal. I was so happy and thankful for those two today. They made me laugh a lot which is something I needed today since I spent the majority of the morning crying over anything and everything. The anticipation of leaving her is enough to send me over the edge.

I also got to see Niki and Fernanda for a bit. They both buzzed by quickly. Again, so lucky for the friends I have. They keep me going because I can see how much what we are going through has changed them. Their lives will never be the same just because of the kind of people they are. That shows me what amazing hearts they have. All of my friends are this way; they are the one’s I keep closest to my heart. I will keep them there for the rest of my life.

Woody and I had a good little pow wow tonight. He is always so interested in my therapy sessions and sometimes I don’t really feel like telling him about them. We got into it a little bit, in a healthy way. I told him what was going on and how I need to deal with a lot of this, on my own, in my own way. He gets it and is giving me my space. He also told me he knows exactly what I am thinking…. how my deepest fears are he is going to walk out on me like my dad did. He told me he will never give up on me and never let me down… like me father has. I know this about Woody; it is one of the main reasons I married him. No matter how much I push him away, because I am hurting, he won’t let me get too far. He has been really great about giving me my space, but also reminding me that we need each other. Before I met Woody, I was used to dealing with things in my life on my own by myself. When you are in the middle of a crisis, it is easy to revert back to that. I am trying not to; but I am very independent and stubborn and my mind tricks me into thinking I can do everything on my own. I am working on these things… I don’t want to go though this alone, but I also want my space. I am hoping to find a happy medium, if that is possible.

Woody and I always joke the Gwen Stefani‘s “I’m just a girl in the world,” is my theme song. So tonight’s song is dedicated to the Wooddawg. And the other love of my life, Gwen Stefani.

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I’m exposed
And it’s no big surprise
Don’t you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
‘Cause I’m just a girl, little ‘ol me
Don’t let me out of your sight
I’m just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don’t let me have any rights

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can’t do the little things I hold so dear
‘Cause it’s all those little things
That I fear

‘Cause I’m just a girl I’d rather not be
‘Cause they won’t let me drive
Late at night I’m just a girl,
Guess I’m some kind of freak
‘Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I’m just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
Oh…am I making myself clear?
I’m just a girl
I’m just a girl in the world…
That’s all that you’ll let me be!
I’m just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I’m just a girl, what’s my destiny?
What I’ve succumbed to Is making me numb
I’m just a girl, my apologies
What I’ve become is so burdensome
I’m just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there’s no comparison

Oh…I’ve had it up to!
Oh…I’ve had it up to!!
Oh…I’ve had it up to here!

And yes, how lovely is this dress…. I would totally wear this dress while singing “I’m just a girl,” to the Wooddawg.

xoxox

Nighty Night! Sweet Dreams!

Treasure each day, because you don’t know how many you’re going to be given

There was a reason we didn’t start chemo this week. It was because we needed to be together this Thanksgiving as a family. It truly was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in my life. Woody and I started off the day by making a big breakfast for the boys’ and Uncle Ron came over to join us. I then headed out for a good 5 mile run. It was fabulous. The sun was shining, people were out and about, and it made me feel so happy. I came home, showered and got the boys’ ready to head over to the Kotalik’s for our Thanksgiving feast. Karen, of course outdid herself. The food was to die for and the company could not have been better. I am so lucky to call them family. We spent a lot of time outside playing football and basketball. Ronan was entertained by Karen’s youngest daughter, Olivia, who is such a doll with Ronan. She adores him and is so good to him. It was sweet to watch. I got to spend some time with Liz, who I call my soul sister. She is almost 21, and is a huge part of my heart. We sat and caught up for a long time. She will be coming to New York as well and is so excited. I am so lucky and blessed to have the Kotaliks… Mimi Kay has the best friends.

We took the time on our drive over today and each said what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful for this moment in time, for my boys and Woody, and our amazing support system.Woody said he was thankful for being together and how proud he is of Liam, Quinn, and Ronan who are growing up to be such amazing boys. Quinn was thankful for our family. Liam was thankful for Christmas to be the next holiday and for each other. Ronan was thankful for Star Wars:) So cute.

Liam and Quinn are in a Fantasy Football league this year and as of now, they are the number one team. If they win, they win 600 dollars. Craziness! Tonight, we were talking about what they would do with the money if they won and Quinn goes, “Maybe we could donate it to Ronan’s Foundation.” I wanted to melt on the floor right then and there. He is so thoughtful and kind. What a big thing for a 7-year-old to think of. It made me so proud of him.

I am thankful for so many things everyday. I still get sad about what we are going through; but we are getting through this one day at a time and counting our blessings. We finding so many little things that make our lives happy. I am trying my hardest to stay positive and I mostly get sad for Ronan, Liam, and Quinn. It’s hard to watch your babies worlds change at such a fast pace. You can’t ignore the pain in their eyes…. but we have a lot of talks about our feelings and I think that helps. I talked to Quinn tonight about what he is scared about. He said he was scared that he was going to get cancer too. I assured him that he will not, and neither will Liam. In the back of my mind, I was thinking, what do I know…. if it can happen to Ronan, it can happen to anyone. He felt better after I promised him he was not going to get it. I know he sits and thinks about these things and it’s my job to fish it out of him so we can talk about it. I feel like I’m doing a good job with that and so is Woody. I can’t do this alone. I thought for a long time that I could and it was easy to try to tackle everything by myself. But I missed my best friend too much. I need Woody and I need us to be a team. We are again; and things have gotten so much easier. I couldn’t ask for a better man to go through this with. Once again, I am beyond blessed.

I’ve been thinking all day about all the beautiful things in our life. The fact that we have 3 boys is a miracle in itself. Those 3 boys, are everything to us. I am thankful that after being with Wood for 11 years that he is still my best friend and the man I love. Some people never know that feeling. I am thankful that Woody still looks at me like the 21 year old girl he met 11 years ago. He still loves and adores me and treats me like I am his princess. I am thankful that we are still each others true loves. I am so thankful for Woody’s parents and I don’t know how we would manage going through this without them. I am thankful for all of my family. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss them. I am thankful for all of my friends. They are the truest and purest souls put on this planet. They would not be in my life if they were not. I know for a fact, that I would not be able to get through this without them. I am thankful for the pure kindness of strangers. I had no idea how beautiful people can really be…. without having agendas. I am thankful for everyday that I get to look into Ronan’s beautiful blue eyes and how he loves to kiss the spot on the back of my neck and I do the same to him. We call it our sugar spot. I love it when he lets me give him “sugar.” The days that he smiles and is happy mean everything to me. His good days make all the bad days go away. I never knew I could love so deeply in my life. I am so full of love for my family that I feel like I could burst.

It is our love that is going to get us through this. This little boy is not going anywhere. When I was running the other night I looked up at the sky and prayed and prayed for Ronan to beat this. He belongs with us forever.

P.S. To my Liz Kotalik. I love you like a sister. I am so proud of you and the amazing woman you have become. Soul sisters forever and ever. My heart belongs to you.

Have I mentioned how much I love music? It feeds my soul. Cheers to The Pretenders tonight. Love you all. Sweet dreams and all the blessings in the world.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothin’ you confess, could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So, if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you

When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You’re feelin’ all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Yeah

Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
No, no, no, no, no
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you

We live in a beautiful world

What a beautiful day. Today was filled with such beauty I almost don’t even know where to start. First, I just want to say that our prayers of finding a private plane to get us to and from New York City have been answered. I can’t believe all of the responses I got today from people who were more than willing to help us out. We can now breathe a big sigh of relief thanks to some very special people. Also, I got a call from somebody that I don’t even know today, whom I am just calling, S. She offered to let our family use their jet to get us to NYC and was so gracious and happy to help. We have decided to go with a bigger corporation, but I just want to say a special thank you to this family for stepping up and offering to help us. They don’t want to be recognized in any way… and that right there speaks volumes about the type of people they are. S, I cannot wait for the day I get to meet you and give you the biggest hug in the world. You are an angel and I will never forget your kindness and generosity that came from the truest place of all; your heart. So, thank you again; You and your family will forever have a special place in my heart.

I spent the day at home with Ronan and I actually got to cook dinner. That in itself was such a treat. I have always loved to cook and I was so excited to spend the day doing so. Ronan helped me add the ingredients to my beef stew; and loved every second of helping me. Woody was so happy to have a meal that I had cooked myself. He even told me he thinks it was one of the best things I have ever made. That made my night. After Wood came home and we sat and had dinner I put on my running shoes and headed out in the dark, cold night. Oh my goodness. I am so happy that running has found it’s way back into my heart. Geez, all it took was my little guy getting cancer. Sad but true. After I ran the NYC marathon a couple of years ago I started up the “I hate running club.” I have been a member of this club ever since completing that marathon. Well, now I am happy to say, I no longer belong to this club. Before all of this, I would have never ran in the dark alone. Now, I don’t care at all. It’s like I have nothing to be afraid of because all of those fears that I had before were so silly. I know what real fear is now and it is so much bigger than running in the dark. I blasted my music, ran so hard and so fast for a good hour. My calves burned, my chest burned, and it felt good. I thought of so many things during my run. I kept telling myself, every time my feet hit the pavement, it was one step closer to getting Ronan well. I pictured so many of my family and friends on Thanksgiving…. and imagined them all being happy and thankful this year. I know you all are going to be thankful for so much more than normal. I am happy to be able to give that gift to you. It makes me happy to think of all of you and all the beauty you have in your lives. It gives me peace. I thought a lot about New York and getting that fucking tumor out of Ronan’s abdomen. I can’t wait to just get it out of him. I am going to ask for it too. Call me crazy, but I want to see that thing. I am obsessed. I hope the doctors will agree; not sure if it’s something they will be o.k. with but I am going to ask. I thought a lot about all of the medication I am on now. I would like to say a big fat thank you for the inventors of Zoloft, Xanex, and Clonazepam. I never thought I would be one of those “people,” but I am and I am not ashamed. I am thankful that about a month after being in all of this, that I knew I needed help when I found myself locked in Ronan’s dark closest rocking back and fourth crying my eyes out. I am thankful that I was brave enough to admit that I needed something to help me get though this. So thank you, Zoloft for keeping me more steady and even keeled. I can now actually go into a grocery store and not flip out. I have not taken the Xanex yet…. saving that for when I really need it. And Mr. Clonazepam. I can finally sleep at night; peacefully. Before Mr. Clonazepam, I was lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep a night. That in itself was enough to make me crazy. Sleep deprivation can really mess with your mind. I feel a little bit like the old Maya. A girl who used to be crazy strong and could have ruled the world. I need her back to get Ronan through this, and if it takes being on this stuff for a while, then so be it.

Ronan is going to beat this. There is no doubt in my mind. Tonight, he was jumping off of the ladder to Liam and Quinn’s bunk bed onto the ground into a pile of pillows below. And your telling me this kid has stage 4 cancer? It’s crazy to me. Nothing can stop him and his spirit. He must have told me 50 times today how much he loves me. We had a great, fun day together. Tomorrow, we will go to the clinic to have his levels checked. Praying that he can start his chemo tomorrow. It’s time to get this show on the road, people!

Sweet dreams to you all my dear friends. Please never forget how beautiful this life is; even during what seems like the darkest hours. I am so thankful for all of you<3

This is from my sweet friend, Jen… beautiful song and beautiful lyrics. Thanks baby.
Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont

Welcome to hell

Can I even blog about today/tonight? I don’t know. It was that horrific. And I don’t mean to sound like a whiney baby… because it takes a lot to break me. But if I have to hear one more fucking “beep, beep” from the machine Ronan is hooked up too, and then wait 10 minutes for the nurses to fix it I’m going to crack. I’ve learned how to fix it myself. If I have to watch “Finding Nemo” on the lame T.V. one more time, I am going to crack. If I have to listen to Ronan yell and scream and hit me all day, I am going to crack. If I have to listen to our roomates blasting “Telemundo” one more night, I am going to punch someone. If I have to stand up and hold Ronan for 2 hours, because he won’t let me sit down, I am going to crack. If I have to have him stay up all night because he naps so much during the day, I am going to crack. I have just spent the past 6 hours in hell. He has been yelling, hitting, throwing things, and there is nothing I can do about it. Anybody who knows me, knows that I am one of the calmest people on the planet. But I am about to break. I have no idea how I am not huddled up in a dark corner somewhere, sobbing hysterically. I’m sure I’ll be there soon enough. I cannot take another day/night like a today but I have no choice because I am his mother. I find myself saying things in my head like, “How did I get here, this can’t be happening,  this cannot be my life.” But it is and I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. Tonight, I seriously texted Woody and told him to please check me into a mental ward. How much can one person take? How much more of this before I seriously do go insane? I thought I was strong… but now I’m not so sure. This is all way too much on days like today. I want my loving, sweet, happy, baby boy back. I can’t take the anger and pain within him that he does not know how to deal with besides take it out on me. I cannot take not seeing Liam, Quinn, and Woody. I am completely alone in this and I know that. I am alone with my thoughts, feelings, pain, sadness because nobody can save me except myself. I am fighting and I am fighting hard, but nothing is easy. I cannot even find the strength to eat or sleep. Food has lost all appeal to me, I live off of coffee and water and gum. I ate lunch today for the first time in a few days and then threw it up later after having Ronan attack me for an hour. Too many details?? Sorry. It’s the truth and the truth hurts. I don’t want pity or sadness from anybody. I just want you to know what it is like to live the life of being the mother to a child who has cancer. I want this story to have an effect on people everywhere because NOBODY should have to go through this hell. Science and medicine are waaaaay too advanced to still be dealing with this bullshit. Where is all the funding for childhood cancer? Where is all the awareness? No child should should have to feel this pain and suffering. I will never understand why Ronan was chosen. I don’t care if the outcome is amazing when he does beat this. My child will just have walked from hell and back, and I right there with him, holding his hand and never letting go. So, is this heartbreaking enough? I hope so. Because something has to be done. I never get to look at Ronan anymore and feel happy and carefree. I now look at my son and see his innocence taken away and the anger in his eyes. The pain I feel from this I cannot even put into words. I will survive this. I have to survive this. Ronan knows I will never give up on him… he can hurt me over and over and I will take it because I have no choice.

This is all I can write tonight. I see a dark corner calling my name. Sweet dreams <3<3

Pink: One foot wrong

Am I sweating?

Or are these tears on my face?

Should I be hungry?

I can’t remember the last time that I ate.

Call someone

I need a friend to talk me down

But one foot wrong

And I’m gonna fall

Somebody gets it

Somebody gets it

Put one foot wrong

And I’m gonna fall

Somebody gets it

Somebody gets it

All the lights are on

But I’m in the dark

Who’s gonna find me

Who’s gonna find me?

Just one foot wrong

You’ll have to love me

When I’m gone.

Does anyone see this?

Lucky me

I guess I’m the chosen one

Color and madness

First in line I put my money down

Some freedom

Is the tiniest cell it’s hell

But one foot wrong

And I’m gonna fall

Somebody gets it

Somebody gets it

Put one foot wrong

And I’m gonna fall

Somebody gets it

Somebody gets it

All the lights are on

But I’m in the dark

Who’s gonna find me

Who’s gonna find me?

Just one foot wrong

You’ll have to love me

When I’m gone.

Some people find the beauty in all of this

I go straight to the dark side, the abyss

If it’s bad

Is it always my fault?

Or did somebody bring me down?

Or did somebody bring me down?

Did somebody bring me down

One foot wrong

I’m gonna fall

I put one foot wrong

And I’m gonna fall

Put one foot wrong

I’m gonna fall

Somebody gets it

Somebody gets it

Just one foot wrong

All the lights are on

But I’m in the dark

Who’s gonna find me

Who’s gonna find me

Just one foot wrong

You’ll love me

When I’m gone.

Have to love me when I’m gone

Love me when I’m gone

You’ll have to love me when I’m gone

You’ll have to love me when I’m gone

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?

Ro is still in the hospital due to a low ANC count. His numbers jumped up today, which tells us he is on the up and up, but they still need to get up higher before we can come home. He is in a lot of pain due to developing Mucositis which is a side effect of the chemotherapy. It is kind of like ulcers in the mouth. Although we cannot see it inside his mouth, I can tell they are more along the lines of down his throat. He has not been wanting to eat anything so he is getting nutrition from his broviac line. We won’t be able to go home until he starts eating and everything is healing. It will take his ANC levels to come up to heal the sores. It has been a rough couple of days at the hospital and I needed a break. I called in Auntie Karen tonight so I could sneak out and Woody and Quinn came and relieved her after the ASU game. They are sleeping there tonight. I came home and caught up on laundry and straightening up the house. It feels good to have all of that done. I will have to be back at the hospital early so Woody can run home and meet with a client. It’s one big shuffle, but I am grateful for the break and quiet tonight. Hopefully, Ronan will be feeling better tomorrow and we can bring him home in the next few days. Thanks for keeping him in your thoughts and prayers. It’s hard to see your baby in pain when there is nothing you can do about it.

So, my last little post caused quite a stir in regards to a comment. I don’t want to touch too much on that but I just do want to say that all opinions are welcome here, good and bad. Everyone is entitled to their opinions but nobody is entitled to judge me. Yes, I may get on here and rant and rave about things that I am upset about and how I am feeling, but the reason I do this is because when I am living my new life, I am strong and brave and most of the time nobody even knows when I am breaking down. I only choose to let a few close friends see this side of me. Somedays I have really hard days and yes, Ronan and my twins see me cry, but I am not the kind of mom who is going to hide my feelings from my kids. I grew up in a family that feelings were not really talked about and everything was always “fine.” I hope my boys will grow up knowing that we are a family who shares all of our fears, feelings, and opinions. I don’t want them to ever think it’s not o.k. to express how we are feeling. As far as my “personal relationships” suffering… I really disagree with this. If anything they have gotten stronger. I am working on making them stronger. The people that have bailed out on me and our situation, were never real friends anyway. I have been nothing but honest in the way I am feeling and if they can’t handle it, then they are not meant to be in my life. The people who have had their feelings hurt, know that they can talk to me and we can work it out because they are the people who truly love me. To walk away from me and all of this…. well, I think that speaks for itself.

On a happier note…. I have made some new beautiful friends on this journey. We are in a club all our own and I feel so LUCKY to be part of this club. The fucking cancer sucks club has some of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met in my life. These people know who they are, and they are family now. I am very thankful to have their shoulders to lean on. And I know they know I am there for them too. To my Laurie tonight. I love you. I love your tears, your honesty, your smile, your Jack, and the friendship that we will have for the rest of our lives. You are the light of my life and one of the brightest stars in the sky<3<3

Pink: If God is a D.J.

I’ve been the girl with her skirt pulled high
Been the outcast never running with mascara eyes
Now I see the world as a candy store
With a cigarette smile, saying things you can’t ignore
Like mummy I love you
Daddy I hate you
Brother I need you
Lover hey, “Fuck you”
I can see everything here with my third eye
Like the blue in the sky

If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you’re given
It’s all how you use it…

I’ve been the girl with her middle finger in the air
Unaffected by rumors, the truth: i don’t care
So open your mouth and stick out your tongue
You might as well let go you can’t take back what you’ve done
So find a new lifestyle
A reason to smile
Look for Nirvana
Under the strobe lights
Sequins and sex dreams
You whisper to me
There’s no reason to cry…

You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don’t run from yourself, man, that’s no way to live
I’ve got a record in my bag you should give it a spin
Lift your hands in the air so that life can begin

If God is a DJ…If God… say If God is a DJ, Then life is a dance floor so
Get your ass on the dance floor now

Music speaks to me… especially Pink.

Pink performing at Wiener Stadthalle in Vienna...
Image via Wikipedia

Ava Mary A: By Pink

Motorcycle’s in the parking lot

Revving their engines and it just wont stop

Matches the noise screaming in my head

Houston I think we got a problem

Where does everybody go when they go

The go so fast I don’t think they know

We hate so fast

And we love too slow

London I think we got a problem

And when I think about it

I just can’t think about it

I try to drink about it

I keep spinning

Ave Mary A

Where did you go

Where did you go

How did you know to get out of a world gone mad

Help me let go

Of the chaos around me

The devil that hounds me

I need you to tell me

Try to be still

Try to be still

Broken hearts all around the spot

I can’t help thinking that we lost the plot

Suicide bomber and a student shot

Tokyo I think we got a problem

But for that they have gotta pay

If that don’t kill you then the side effects will

If we don’t kill each other then the side effects will

Keep down I think we got a problem

Ave Mary A

Where did you go

Where did you go

How did you know to get out of a world gone mad

Help me let go

Of the chaos around me

The devil that hounds me

I need you to tell me

Try to be still

If the darkest hour comes

Before the light

Where is the light

Where is the light

If the darkest hour comes

Before the light

Where is the light

Where is the light

Where is the light, yeah

Ave Mary A

Where did you go

Where did you go

How did you know to get out of a world gone mad

Help me help me let go

Of the chaos around me

The devil that hounds me

I need you to tell me

Try to be still

Try to be still

Try to be still

I saw Pink in concert last year. I have always been a huge fan, but after that concert… it went to a whole new level of me being crazy for Pink. When I need strength, I listen to her. When I need to cry, I listen to her. When I need to work out my anger, I blast her. When I go on my runs and cry my eyes out, she is who is screaming in my ears. I adore her, her amazing talent, and for not conforming to the “norms” of all that fancy pants Hollywood B.S. So there you have it. Pink will help me get through this….. She is my alter ego when I need to be a badass:)