Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?

Ro is still in the hospital due to a low ANC count. His numbers jumped up today, which tells us he is on the up and up, but they still need to get up higher before we can come home. He is in a lot of pain due to developing Mucositis which is a side effect of the chemotherapy. It is kind of like ulcers in the mouth. Although we cannot see it inside his mouth, I can tell they are more along the lines of down his throat. He has not been wanting to eat anything so he is getting nutrition from his broviac line. We won’t be able to go home until he starts eating and everything is healing. It will take his ANC levels to come up to heal the sores. It has been a rough couple of days at the hospital and I needed a break. I called in Auntie Karen tonight so I could sneak out and Woody and Quinn came and relieved her after the ASU game. They are sleeping there tonight. I came home and caught up on laundry and straightening up the house. It feels good to have all of that done. I will have to be back at the hospital early so Woody can run home and meet with a client. It’s one big shuffle, but I am grateful for the break and quiet tonight. Hopefully, Ronan will be feeling better tomorrow and we can bring him home in the next few days. Thanks for keeping him in your thoughts and prayers. It’s hard to see your baby in pain when there is nothing you can do about it.

So, my last little post caused quite a stir in regards to a comment. I don’t want to touch too much on that but I just do want to say that all opinions are welcome here, good and bad. Everyone is entitled to their opinions but nobody is entitled to judge me. Yes, I may get on here and rant and rave about things that I am upset about and how I am feeling, but the reason I do this is because when I am living my new life, I am strong and brave and most of the time nobody even knows when I am breaking down. I only choose to let a few close friends see this side of me. Somedays I have really hard days and yes, Ronan and my twins see me cry, but I am not the kind of mom who is going to hide my feelings from my kids. I grew up in a family that feelings were not really talked about and everything was always “fine.” I hope my boys will grow up knowing that we are a family who shares all of our fears, feelings, and opinions. I don’t want them to ever think it’s not o.k. to express how we are feeling. As far as my “personal relationships” suffering… I really disagree with this. If anything they have gotten stronger. I am working on making them stronger. The people that have bailed out on me and our situation, were never real friends anyway. I have been nothing but honest in the way I am feeling and if they can’t handle it, then they are not meant to be in my life. The people who have had their feelings hurt, know that they can talk to me and we can work it out because they are the people who truly love me. To walk away from me and all of this…. well, I think that speaks for itself.

On a happier note…. I have made some new beautiful friends on this journey. We are in a club all our own and I feel so LUCKY to be part of this club. The fucking cancer sucks club has some of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met in my life. These people know who they are, and they are family now. I am very thankful to have their shoulders to lean on. And I know they know I am there for them too. To my Laurie tonight. I love you. I love your tears, your honesty, your smile, your Jack, and the friendship that we will have for the rest of our lives. You are the light of my life and one of the brightest stars in the sky<3<3

Pink: If God is a D.J.

I’ve been the girl with her skirt pulled high
Been the outcast never running with mascara eyes
Now I see the world as a candy store
With a cigarette smile, saying things you can’t ignore
Like mummy I love you
Daddy I hate you
Brother I need you
Lover hey, “Fuck you”
I can see everything here with my third eye
Like the blue in the sky

If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you’re given
It’s all how you use it…

I’ve been the girl with her middle finger in the air
Unaffected by rumors, the truth: i don’t care
So open your mouth and stick out your tongue
You might as well let go you can’t take back what you’ve done
So find a new lifestyle
A reason to smile
Look for Nirvana
Under the strobe lights
Sequins and sex dreams
You whisper to me
There’s no reason to cry…

You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don’t run from yourself, man, that’s no way to live
I’ve got a record in my bag you should give it a spin
Lift your hands in the air so that life can begin

If God is a DJ…If God… say If God is a DJ, Then life is a dance floor so
Get your ass on the dance floor now

7 thoughts on “Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?”

  1. Lots of ♥ ♥ ♥ and happy thoughts from our little family to yours. I was listening to a song by Natasha Bedingfield, and I thought the lyrics were in some small way appropriate:

    “La la la la la la
    Everyday I fight for
    All my future somethings
    A thousand little wars
    I have to choose between
    I could spend a lifetime
    Earning things that I don’t need
    But that’s like chasing rainbows
    And coming home empty

    And if you strip me,
    Strip it all away
    If you strip me,
    What would you find
    If you strip me,
    Strip it all away
    Ill be alright

    Take what you want
    Steal my pride
    Build me up
    Or cut me down to size
    Shut me out
    But I’ll just scream
    I’m only one voice in a million
    but you ain’t taking that from me
    Oh oh no you ain’t taking that from me x 4
    I don’t need a microphone, yeah,
    To say what I been thinking
    My heart is like a loudspeaker
    That’s always on eleven
    And if you strip me,
    Strip it all away
    If you strip me,
    What would you find
    you strip me,
    Strip it all away
    I’m still the same

    Take what you want
    Steal my pride
    Build me up
    Or cut me down to size
    Shut me out
    But I’ll just scream
    Im only one voice in a million
    but you aint taking that from me
    Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4

    ‘cuz when it all boils down
    At the end of the day
    It’s what you do and say
    That makes you who you are
    Makes you think about it,
    Think about it
    Doesn’t it
    Sometimes all it takes is one voice (chorus again)”

    Crikey – didn’t mean to take up so much space, but I just heard the lyrics and they made my heart happy thinking about your family’s story and how all it really DOES take is one voice – to bring awareness, to bring understanding, to bring this horrible disease to the forefront and to stand up for kids everywhere !! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
    9I promise not to take up so much space next time lol =] ♥ ♥ )

  2. Maya, I admire the way you have chosen to raise you children with open feelings, rather than “stuff” under the carpet — the way I was raised & have always wondered”Why”?”. I will dance harder w/ my grandchildren while you stay on your dancefloor.

  3. We’re here for you and support you. You and your extended family and especially the Rockstar are in our constant thoughts and prayers.

  4. Maya – you are an amazing mother! Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Just look at the number of visitors to this blog, including me every single day! Your story inspires people, mothers, all over the world. Through your beautiful, honest, and raw words we all become better human beings. If you need to rant about something, RANT. If you need to cry about something, CRY. If you need to quote songs, QUOTE. If you need to write about love or hate or sadness or despair or happiness, or what freaking color the walls are, YOU WRITE IT GIRL!! No one gets to judge you, NO ONE. You are entitled to every single emotion you have, no matter where you are on the spectrum on any given day, any given moment. If it brings you strength to write about it, then never stop writing. Ronan is so lucky to have you and your wonderful circle of family and friends. Never forget how strong you are, I read it every single day. You are a force. I do not say this lightly, 22 years ago I lost a beautiful baby girl to a disease that we never had a chance to fight. You are the kind of mother every single one of us hopes we can find the strength to be, should the unthinkable ever happen. Love to you, Mya, and your Ronan. Go get em Mama Bear!

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