Ronan. I’ve been quiet today. Which you know, are my most painful days. I didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up at 2:30, a.m….. watching the clock. Paced around the house. 3:30 a.m. was here before I knew it…. close to the time you passed away. I managed to go back to sleep, woke up around 5 a.m. ready to start the day, but did not get out the door for boot camp. Did some things around the house instead. I got ready for the day ahead of me, which was a total freaking blur. I don’t even know what went on. I’m like a crazy Cat Lady now. The crazy Cat Lady who lives alone, with 50 Kitty Cats in her house. Meow.
Except for the cats that surround me all day long, come in the form of notebooks, journals, books, pieces of paper, post it notes…. I take these things with me everywhere. I write, all day long. Lists, things to do, things to not forget, random words, names of songs, feelings, thoughts….. I write at stop lights, in the middle of the grocery store, while I’m waiting to pick the boys up from school…. I don’t even know what half of the shit is that I am writing. Maybe someday it will all come together, but for now, it is one big flood. I’m drowning in my words and the flood cannot be stopped. I hope it is healing, but only time will tell. Until that time comes, I am content to be the Crazy Cat Lady.
I remember thinking today, that I needed to get my passport picture retaken; as my passport has expired. I decided it was a great idea to go to Kinko’s to get it done. So random. Your Daddy called as I was in route. I told him what I was doing. I told him I was going to get my passport picture taken. He asked where I was going that I would need my passport. I wanted tell him, that I was going crazy. Instead, thoughts of Africa, Thailand, and Vietnam flashed across my mind; but I didn’t tell him that. I have been blabbing about going to Vietnam with Trish for about 6 months now. Mostly just to get a reaction out of your Daddy. I don’t have any concrete plans to go anywhere, as of now. That could all change, tomorrow. Why can’t I go to one of these places? I have decided that I hate the word, “Can’t.” I wrote this tonight to one of our lovies, who was saying that word. I called Bullshit on that word. Because it is. I think I said something along the lines of, “Life is too short. Stop saying you can’t. You can do anything you want, because you are alive. Ronan CANNOT, because he is DEAD. You are not.” It is true.
Sometimes I don’t know where my bluntness comes from, but then I remember you. You were so bold, blunt, and true to yourself. I am finding little parts of you, just live inside of me. I really do feel like your spirit went back into my body some days. I felt like that today, which is another reason my body/mind just seems to shut down and just let’s you take over. I just let you guide me as I kind of float through the days. I never know where you will take me, or what we will embark upon together. But I am ALWAYS up for the journey. It’s just you and me, baby. Just like we used to say, back in the day. Back in the day; that feels like so long ago. I feel like you have been gone, for 4 years, not almost 4 short months. What the hell is that all about? Is it because of how much I miss you? How much I long for you every second of the day? It has to be. I feel like I’ve been trapped in this world without you forever, when the truth is, you left this earth such a short time ago.
I am suddenly so tired now. The girls(Stacy,Trish, Fernanda) came over tonight because Daddy is working late. Stacy brought a bottle of Melatonin. I told her I’d try anything to get off of this Ristoral. I asked her really, how many I could take. 10?? 20?? The bottle says 1. We decided I could take 2. I doubt anyone has ever died a Melatonin overdose. I’ll have to Google that one. I think I’m o.k. with taking 2, except for it’s made me totally sleepy. Yummy. I miss sleepiness.
I’m giving in tonight. I don’t think I can write about the rest of my day. Except to tell you that I missed you with every inch of my body. From my lips to my toes. Oh. And tonight, when I hugged Fernanda goodbye, I kissed the inside of her neck. For one second, I felt like I was kissing you, as that was always my favorite place to kiss you. I always kissed you there and told you I was getting some of your sugar. I got all teary eyed as wasn’t planning on kissing the nape of her neck…. but I did, and it reminded me so much of you. I love you baby boy. I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever. I hope you are safe. G’night my love. Sweet dreams.
Ro baby. So, remember how I told you I was going to stop cold turkey, taking my Zoloft…. mainly because everyone told me not to. That I needed to slowly come off from it. I didn’t listen. I stopped taking it over two weeks ago. I did it, all by myself and I’m still here. I didn’t have any side effects. I just feel better. One less medication that I am on. I do not want to live my life with the help of Zoloft. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I just want to find another way to get through this pain and I don’t want any help from a pill. I tried this last night with the Ristoral I am taking to help me sleep. I tried not to take it. It was awful. I tossed and turned for a few hours, while lying next to your Daddy. I dozed off, here and there but the screaming in my head was too much to take. The dreams were too mean and vivid. I got up, around 12:30, and paced the house; looking for you. I took 2 of my sleepy meds and ate a bowl of cereal. I had not eaten all day long. I crawled up into Liam’s top bunk bed and fell asleep until 7 a.m. I woke up groggy, and felt hung over. Your Daddy looked worried as he could see the glazed over look in my eyes. He decided to take Liam and Quinn to school for me. It was a good thing, because I mentally was a wreck today. I don’t remember what happened next, but before I knew it, I was laying my head on the kitchen table, sobbing into your blanket, with your Urn in front of me. I went and grabbed the locket that Macy got me, that does not have a picture of you in it yet. I got out the scissors and cut open the plastic holder that keeps your ashes sealed. I found some glue, rubbed it on the inside of the locket, took my hands and picked up some of your ashes. I felt them for the first time. I kissed them and I took a little of them and sprinkled them to the inside of the locket filled with glue. Fernanda called. I ignored her phone call. I sat and sobbed with you instead. She called, again, about 20 minutes later. I picked up this time. “What are you doing?” she said. I couldn’t talk, so I didn’t say anything; I just sat and cried into the phone. “Where are you?!” she asked in her beautiful English, Spanish, and Italian accent. “Home,” I said. She said,”I’ll be there in 2 minutes.” And she was. She pulled up and I opened up the door, my face black from my mascara. I really need to freaking invest in some waterproof mascara at this point in my life. She grabbed me and let me cry all over her all white blouse. My angel.
We sat at the table for a bit. I told her what I had just done with some of your ashes. I said to her, what if these had been your beautiful blue eyes. She told me they were not. Your eyes, left long before you were cremated. I agree. She put her head down on the table with me and we sat and cried and talked. I told her I needed to get coffee if I was going to function at all today. We ran to Safeway and sat on the couch at the Starbucks. A woman came and sat down next to us. She overheard some of our conversation. We started talking to her. Turns out, she had a 2-year-old who had died, and she had lost a baby from a miscarriage as well. She told me how lucky I was to have a friend, like Fernanda… as she had nobody. All I wanted to do was take this woman home and love her. She does not have a Liam and Quinn to keep her going. She does not have a reason to get up in the morning. But she has found one…. whatever it may be. That is true strength. I told her about your website, and I gave her one of the MISS Foundation cards. I told her about them. She said she didn’t even know something like that existed. I told her to call them. I hope she will. I wish I could have done more for this woman today; but I did all I could do.
The rest of the day was a blur. Quinn went to Dr. Beth. He is so needing her now. As well as your brothers are doing in school…. which from what I can tell, they are excelling….. I know this outside help is so important for them now. I know in the long run, it will make a difference. We are choosing to face this head on, not bury it down in the ground. Their therapy is a big part of this so I plan on continuing it for as long as we need…. even if it is for the rest of their lives. I hope it won’t be, as I want them to be able to go on and live normal, happy lives. But to get them to that point, this is so necessary.
I went to see Dr. Joanne. It was a really long, intense session. I ended up being able to write out that grief worksheet before I saw her. I wrote it out this morning, in a really random, public place. I have struggled with the finding the words to fill it out all week. I have carried that worksheet all over with me, and when I sat with it today, the words to the questions just came pouring out. It took me only a few minutes to answer the 5 or 6 questions. One of the things I had to answer was, if I had to Name my grief; him/her, I’d call him/her…… ??? What???? I had to come up with a name for my grief. The name, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, just flew out of my head. That is what I wrote. I named my grief, INFERNO FUCKWAD BOB. I have no idea where in the world this name came from, but it is perfect. Dr. J sat with my sheet of paper and asked if I thought I could read it out loud to her. I told her No. She asked if she could read it out loud. I said yes. So she did. I think I cried while she was reading my words. I think I bawled pretty much the entire time I sat and talked with her today. When she got to the name of your grief part, hearing her say that out loud, made me laugh. She giggled a bit too, and told me she had heard some interesting names for Grief in her time, but this may have been the most interesting. It was at that point, that I knew that there was no other name in the world for my pain, my hurt, my grief. Inferno Fuckwad Bob, it is. I hope he is not always so present in my life, but for now he is; and I cannot ignore him.
After our session, I came home, threw on my hiking clothes and drove to The Inferno. I ran my butt off up the mountain. I saw Mountain Mike again, which was strange because I was there much later in the day than I usually am. He was coming down as I was running up. I took out my headphones to say Hello. We chatted for a minute, then he said for me to keep going as he didn’t want to keep me. As I got to the top of the mountain, I took my time to talk to you. I didn’t see the Eagles today, but that was o.k. I did some stretching and breathing. I put my headphones on full blast and got ready to run as fast as I could down the mountain. Just as I was getting ready to run, I got this text from Dr. Joanne.
Goosebumps ran down my spine. I had gone into the bathroom, after I left her office. I just needed to wipe down my face and dry my eyes. I was in the bathroom for maybe 30 seconds. I am always intentionally leaving your bracelets places…. on my hikes, random restaurants, grocery stores, etc….. It never even crossed my mind to leave one in the bathroom of her office building today. But she found one, in the sink. I asked her if it was the naughty or nice version. It was the naughty. I thought I was totally out of all of those, but apparently one found it’s way to Dr. Joanne. So random. So something you would do. I have hesitated about giving her one…. just not wanting to overstep my boundaries as I know not everyone is comfortable with the F word. I guess you had other ideas and know she is deserving of wearing it. Because she is a badass:) I am so glad, baby. I thought so too, but you made it happen. Thank you for that and for making me smile so big after seeing that text from Dr. J.
As soon as I turned my headphones up as loud as they would go, and starting running as fast as my legs could possibly carry me, without falling on my face, another little thing happened. I have decided one of the ways you are communicating with me, is through music. I had my iPod blaring, and you had decided what my playlist was going to be. From the time I started running, until I stopped at my car, these are the songs that came on, in this order. Pearl Jam, Given to Fly. Coldplay, Fix You. Band of Horses, No One’s Gonna Love You, and it ended with Katy Perry, Firework. I mean really, Ro. That was so sweet of you. It made me smile, cry, smile, laugh and blow kisses up into the sky. I love you so much, baby. I miss you so much.
The rest of the evening was spent at home with your brothers, Daddy, Danielle and Dave stopped by with their new puppy; Bash. We sat outside and played with him. Such a sweet, simple night. I often feel you around when Danielle is with me. She is one of the people in my life that makes me feel peaceful. I needed that tonight. Thanks, D. Love you.
Alright, my “not spicy, little monkey boy. I’m going to try to get some sleep. Really want to do boot camp in the a.m. but have not been succeeding in waking up for my 5 a.m. booty, boot camp call. Maybe tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. G’night my love.
Ro baby. What have I been doing? I’m really not sure. A lot. Going, going, going. Life just passes by, in slow motion. What day is it? Who cares? Not me. It’s Monday. I had to think about that, but it is. I had a busy Monday. Your daddy took the boys to school, even though I was up and ready. That was nice of him to do for me. Sometimes, I need a break from the happiness that flows out of your brothers’ school. It still stings me. I got in my car, with many errands to do. Post office, Bank, Store, Dry Cleaners, blahblahblah. My little twinkle noise went off on my phone. It’s my special text message noise that I have for whenever Fernanda sends me a text. It only twinkles like this, when she calls. You know why. She asked where I was. I told her just leaving the house. She said she wanted to see me. I told her to meet me at the Starbucks in the Safeway I like to go to. She said o.k.
I sat there with my coffee, waiting for my ray of sunshine to appear. She did. I was so glad. She sat and had a conversation with the Starbucks lady, in Spanish; all while smiling the entire time. I sat back and just watched this little gem of mine. The way she treats everyone… and I mean, EVERYONE… is unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed before, in my life. She had the Starbucks woman laughing and smiling from ear to ear, as if they had been friends forever. It’s just pure KINDNESS, Ro. Plain and simple. It’s how everyone in the world should treat EVERYONE. She does it so effortlessly. So beautifully. So naturally.
She reminds me so much of you. Everything from her laugh to her sparkly eyes, to the old soul that lives inside of her body. She is one of the few people that my heart has never lost sight of throughout all of this. We spent the entire summer apart, didn’t talk or text much and I was so o.k. with that. I missed her, but we have such a deep connection that I never felt like I was without her. She is one of my secret weapons in all of this. I am so lucky to have her. She was so lucky to have you; and you her. I know you know all of this.
After I left Fernanda…. I went and checked off some of my “Shit List.” Check please. I functioned for a couple of hours like a normal person, trapped inside of a Zombies body. I came home, and just as I was going over some mail, a car pulled into the driveway. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I didn’t know who it was until she got out of the car. It was our dear, sweet Lisa. Apparently, I have not been calling her back and she has been worried. I have a hard time keeping up with the people who call me, listening to messages, and returning phone calls. Lisa wrapped her arms around me and held me for a bit. It felt nice but sad all at the same time. I hate to see the pain in other people’s eyes. It hurts every bone in my body. We sat quietly at our kitchen table. We watched through the kitchen window as a man approached the front door, and rang the doorbell. I knew it was a solicitor, but I didn’t want to be mean as he saw us sitting at the table. I went and answered the door.
He gave me his whole talk, all while dressed up in his nicest clothes, sweat pouring off of his head; trying to sell me some magazines. I let him talk, the whole thing lasted about 5 minutes. I told him no thank you, best of luck, but I just couldn’t do it today. I then felt really guilty. WTF, Maya. Just buy a magazine from him and make his day. As this thought was forming in my head, he goes, “Can I ask you why not. What did I do wrong? What can I do better next time? Is it my people talking skills? I’m trying to improve those.”
I just started crying. And not the cute crying, where a sweet little tear rolls down one cheek. Full on choking on my tears, sobbing. I told him that it was nothing that he did at all. I think I said something like, “I’m so sorry. It’s not you at all. It’s just my 3-year-old son just died of Cancer and I can’t pull it together enough to buy one of your magazines. I’m so sorry. You were wonderful.”
He took a step back. Stuttered on his words as he tried to find something to say. He told me how sorry he was, and that he would pray for you. I told him thank you and shut the door. I returned to Lisa, mumbled out some FUCKTHISSHIT swear words while wiping my eyes. She gave me another hug, made sure I was o.k. and told me she didn’t want to keep me as she knew I was wanting to head out to go Inferno Hiking. INFERNO HIKING or BUST today.
I drove to the mountain, in a furry of rage. Blinded by my anger. Made it there, somehow. I threw on my headphones. I think it was around 12:30 and the temp in my car read 112. Fuck it. I decided to run up the entire mountain today. No walking breaks at all. I think I tried to kill myself. I did not succeed. I made it to the top, in record time. My clothes were dripping wet, my eyes were burning, and my body was so hot that I could feel the heat from the ground, burning into the heels of my feet. I almost threw up but managed to somehow not to. Little M and T would have been proud.
I sat down on the bench, after I put down the small towel that I brought with me; on it. Even sitting on the towel today was so hot it scorched my skin. I sat anyway. I yelled out your name. A bunch of times, as if I was calling for you to come inside from playing. The wind picked up and I listened to the whispers all around me. I listened for the sound of your voice. I couldn’t hear you. I continued to scream and cry out loud for you. I looked up at the sky. The 2 Eagles, that always appear when I get to the top, were flying above me. In the exact same spot they always are. A mama and a baby from what I can tell. I smiled and watched them. I watched them until the one flew away and the other one continued to fly alone, above me. I was begging in my head for the mama to come back to the baby, so they could fly away together. She didn’t. The baby flew around for a few more minutes and went off in its own direction. To its own destination. It made me sad. I just wanted the mama and baby to be together. But we can’t always get what we want. I know that lesson better than anyone now.
It’s been a long day, babydoll. I’m supposed to be working on my homework for my grief session with Dr. J tomorrow. My All About Grief, worksheet. I’m sitting in your room, with your ashes on the floor next to me. I wish I could take you with me everywhere I go. I may just start walking around with your Urn with me. Taking it everywhere I go. OMG. Could you imagine the looks I would get. This is so cracking me up, that I may just do it. To break the rules, with you once again. How much do you dare me to take you to Safeway with me one day?So sick, so twisted, but such is this life now. I just told your Daddy about taking you with me to Safeway. He first looked at me like I had two heads; but then took it to a whole new level and said I should put you in a Baby Bjorn as well. He knows me so well, that he doesn’t even try to fight me on all of the nonsense I display. He made me laugh out loud when he said that. I have not laughed with at him in so long.
All I want is our life back, with you, so we can carry one, breaking our rules left and right. I just miss you so much. We all do. I’m going now, baby. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
Ro baby. I am going to try to write tonight; but I am tired. I will do my best because I miss you so very much and my mind is anything but still. Today started out o.k. Waking up knowing our reality, is never easy to do. I got up and started working on some things around the house. Organizing things. Very fun. I can tell things like this are going to become an obsession for me. Things that I can control, are very important to me now. Things were so out of control, for so very long, now it is as if I am becoming obsessed with the things I can control. Such as how much I exercise, how much I eat or don’t eat, the perfectly put away laundry….. I cannot wait to start project organization on my closet tomorrow. The once, carefree, chaotic life that we used to live, seems like a fairytale. It is no longer here. Oh, how I long for the chaos that you created. You used to leave my head spinning, but in such a good way. I could never keep up with you and your craziness. So, I just gave in and joined you instead. We were such a perfect match. You were the best little partner in crime. I miss you so much. I don’t like not having a partner in crime anymore. Trying to keep this up, without you, is so boring and dull. And just plain sad.
Ro baby. I didn’t finish that last night. I had to snuggle up with Quinn instead who was sobbing about how badly he misses you. I held him tight for a long time, in the bottom bunk of his bed. I didn’t know what to do; so I just held him and tried to comfort him. I kept telling him how sorry I was, how unfair all of this was, how much I loved him, how strong of a family we are…..but my words were of no comfort to him. I gave in and told him to let it all out, how it was good to cry about you. It ended up being too much, so I in turn, just gave in and cried with him. As soon as he noticed my tears, he sat up and said the words that he’s said to me a thousand times now….”You o.k. Mom?” I wiped my tears away and told him I would be o.k. if he was going to be o.k. He said that he would and we decided to climb up to the top of Liam’s bunk bed to sleep. Liam was snuggled in bed with your Daddy. I fell into another night of restless of sleep, with Quinn by my side.
The weekend is over. It was all pretty much a blur. We had friends over, ran errands, did things around the house, went Inferno Hiking a couple of times….. I had breakfast with my besties this morning. Me and my 3 dolls. Not many laughs, but more tears. It is o.k. though. I know there will come a time when we will laugh like we used to. It’s the friends that stick by your side, during the toughest of times; who you will be with until the end. I’m so lucky to have the girls’ that I do as they are truly the best of the best. I know I say this all of the time, but I wouldn’t be standing here, without them. My sisters for life.
I went to the grocery store tonight. Alone. I hate the grocery store so much. I needed to get things for the week. Once I stepped in the store, the panic took over. My head started spinning and I could not focus on a thing. I filled my cart with fruits, veggies, things to pack for your brothers lunches. I did not have a list, as I thought I could remember what I needed. I used to be so good at that. I knew there was something that I really needed to get at the store. The one thing that I could not forget. I had spent much of the day, reminding myself, over and over, what I needed to get. Once I was at the store, I could not remember what that one thing was; to save my life. I knew it was something to do with toiletries. I walked up and down the aisles, trying to remember what in the fuck it was that I needed. It wasn’t shampoo, soap, face wash, Q-tips…… I was about to burst into tears. Why is my brain not working anymore? This is so not fair. Why are you dead? You are dead and my memory is gone. I used to have a memory like an elephant. Almost photogenic. Just as the tears started to form, I turned down the toothpaste aisle. There it was, Ro! Dental Floss! I’ve never been so happy to see goddamn dental floss in my LIFE!
I made the mistake of going down the toy aisle. There it was. A Star Wars action figure that we never had. A new one. NONONONONONO. I picked it up. I started talking out loud, repeating, “Guy’s Helmet,” over and over just like you used to call them. I took a picture of it. I almost bought it. I had to set that toy down tonight and just walk away. I had to walk away from knowing that I couldn’t buy you that toy tonight and bring it home to you. You would have been so excited and I could almost feel you wrapping your arms around my neck and giving me one of your best kisses. I cannot believe that I cannot have that anymore.
Babydoll. I’ve got to say goodnight. Your daddy is sad and I just don’t know what to do with all of this. Everybody is sad. How can I fix everyone else around me when I am so badly shattered that the simple act of connecting, being attentive, loving, and compassionate to those closest to me, often leaves me locked in a bathroom, lights off, puking my guts out.
Thanks, Fuckwad Cancer for taking my baby away from all of us. I HATE YOU.
G’nite Ro. My babydoll. My “not spicy,” monkey, my blue-eyed boy. I love you to the moon and back.
And P.S. WTF is this thing? It could be the most genius invention, EVER. Way better than the snuggie. Can somebody get me one of these? I would like to put it on and wear it for the rest of my LIFE. Stupid life. But this so made me crack up.