An Open Letter to an Asshole


Dear Asshole Reader,

I guess I’m going to have to get used to people like you. Because the world is full of them. Stupid know-it-alls, who judge and give advice just to hear themselves speak. People who think they have the right to spew out their words because they think they know how a mother who has just lost her son, should be feeling. All I have to say is, Wow. And you can fuck off. You have a lot of nerve, to write your words and with all that you had to say, I am assuming you have devoted your life to studying parents whom have lost a child? You seem so knowledgable on the subject. Or clearly, you are a Psychologist yourself?? Hats off to you, if you are either of those things, because you totally seem to have it all figured out. As if there IS a specific formula to follow after one loses a child. You should really write a book on the subject and pass it out to grieving parents everywhere.

You said to me that I am clinically depressed. Do you know what the exact symptoms of that are? I do. I’ve been seeing my therapist and good doctor for about 10 months now. They are both very extremely intelligent and very good at what they do. In case you do not know the symptoms of being clinically depressed, I will tell them to you and we can go over them one by one. I feel like educating you tonight. I hope you don’t mind. We can make it into a fun little game, I’ll just put a (Y) for yes, in front of the symptoms I do agree with, and a (N) for a no, in front of the one’s I disagree with.

Common Symptoms
of Clinical Depression

There are different forms of clinical depression with different combinations of the following symptoms:

Physical:

  • Sleep disturbances-insomnia, oversleeping, waking much earlier than usual- (Y) Insomnia is a given.
  • Changes in appetite or eating: much more or much less-(Y)Turns out your kid getting cancer and dying from it is the perfect diet! YEAH!!! Gold Star for me!
  • Decreased energy, fatigue (N)Opposite.
  • Headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems or other physical symptoms that are not explained by other physical conditions or do not respond to treatment- (Y) Shaky hands- check. Throwing up because the thought of everything my child went through and not having him here anymore, makes me sick to my stomach-check.

Behavioral/Attitude:

  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, such as going out with friends, hobbies, sports, sex, etc. (Y) and (N) I won’t go into the “intimate” details but as you can imagine, sex is not really at the top of my priority list right now. But a (N) to the sports. If I was not active, I really do think I would bury myself in a hole in my backyard and never come out.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions. Wait….. What was the question again?? I can’t remember. Kidding! Of course I remember, silly!! (Y) I cannot concentrate on a thing or even remember the day of the week. I can still make a decision for the most part though. Like deciding to call you an asshole tonight. That may have not been a “good” decision, but hey, I made it all by myself! Gold star for me again!!
  • Neglecting responsibilities or personal appearance (N) I have a lot of responsibility in my life that I am taking care of. For example: today, I had nothing of importance to do and we needed new air filters for our home, so I went to Home Depot and bought them! All by myself. Granted, I ended up buying the wrong one’s (fuck there goes that “remembering” thing again!) And while buying them, I think I even looked halfway decent, so I’d give a (N) to neglecting my personal appearance. Shit. I didn’t blow-dry my hair today though but instead threw it back in a bun…. UGH…. I may now have to re think that personal appearance thing. I did shower though and I’m pretty sure I smelled good so I may be o.k.

Emotional:

  • Persistent sad or “empty” mood, lasting two or more weeks- Well fuck. It’s been 3 months and I’m still feeling really sad, and empty. I didn’t know I had to be over the death of my son in less than 2 weeks. That seems kind of harsh!
  • Crying “for no reason”- So much crying going on here. I have a million reasons to cry though so this cannot apply to me at all.
  • Feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty or worthless- Yup. Living in a hospital for 8 months and seeing all of the sick cancer kids, some without parents to even take care of them, and then having your own son die in your arms….. well that can leave one feeling pretty hopeless and helpless. I totally feel guilty about all of my sadness and I do feel worthless because I promised my son I would get him all better, and I didn’t.
  • Feeling irritable, agitated or anxious- Not really irritable… unless you are my husband… then you get the short end of the stick (Sorry Woo) Anxious? All the time. I constantly think my kids, myself, or husband are going to get cancer next. I have a lot of anxiety about that.
  • Thoughts of death or suicide (Y) But then I think of what that would do to Liam and Quinn and it comes down to that would just make me a selfish bitch. That’s just not me. I like to take care of people, and I have 2 amazing little guys to take care of. 3 if you count Wooddawg, which I do. 4 if you still count Ronan, which I do. He would never forgive me if I did something so stupid like that. And when Ronan gets mad, he gets MAD! I would not want to spend my afterlife with him and all of his anger for me because if I were to do something like that, he would never forgive me.
So, now that we have dissected that, I think you actually may be right! Or they need to change the diagnoses from “Clinical Depression,” to “Things you may feel or do after losing a child.” Hey, that could be your new calling in life! You could have them re write the handbook, since you know so much about each individual person and how they should be acting or feeling. Oh, but guess what else. You told me I need to get on an anti depressant asap. You said I could never be happy again, unless I get on some medication. Your exact words were ,”Please get some antidepressants and let the pain go. Rejoice that Ronan is no longer suffering. Rejoice that his spirit is free of his painful body and that one day your spirit will see his again.”
Well jeez! Good thing I have been on one for 8 months now! Zoloft, 100mg, to be exact. OMG. I suddenly feel SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must be working! O.K. asshole reader. You have no freaking idea what you are talking about. A pill is not going to make me happy. I have been questioning this Zoloft crap for a while because it seems to do nothing for me. I am convinced that no pill can take away this pain that I feel 24 hours a day, unless it is one that numbs you so much that you don’t feel a thing. I’m not doing that. I’m not going to stuff this away and not deal with it now, so it can come out 10 years down the road. Sorry. Not happening. I’m going to whine, cry, say it’s not fair, be bitter, sad, depressed, angry, and cuss up a fucking storm because that is how I am feeling. If you don’t agree, then stop reading and go away. I don’t want support from someone who is so judgmental and close minded. And another thing, you can take that rejoice thing and shove it up your ass. I will never rejoice that Ronan is gone. He was so happy and so healthy for being so sick. He lived his life as if he didn’t have cancer at all because for the most part he was just happy to be with me, no matter what. And with his brothers and daddy. He was more pissed about all the “rules,” he had to follow. My little rebel. He didn’t stop fighting until the very last day, when I told him he had to stop being so stubborn and just relax his body so he could come with me for the rest of my life. I told him I would keep him with me forever and that is what I plan on doing.
I could go on and on about some of the things you said lady….. I loved this part….”I sometimes think you love the following of your readers so much, that you are willing to stay in this pain forever just to keep them. You fear if you heal and get on with your life, that there will no longer be a reason for the blog, and the readers will go. Maybe that is what is best. You love the attention the blog gives you, so much you are willing to sacrifice all your family for it. That is truly sad and unhealthy. I hope you will get help and we won’t be disappointed if you are no longer sad or hurting.” LMFAO about that one. Yes, yes, this is all just a show, an act. I must wallow in my sadness so my lovely readers won’t leave me. Lady- Are you on crack?!?! You cannot possibly be serious. That is one of the craziest comments I’ve ever heard. I would not sacrifice my family for anything (well that could change tomorrow if they start to drive me crazy) The writing I do, is my quiet down time when everyone else is asleep or not home. I do my writing because I have so much shit spinning around in my head all day and it is the only thing that calms me down. If I don’t get it all out, I can’t sit still. I know it doesn’t have to be public knowledge, this pain of mine…. but I started it that way and I’m not going to half ass it or stop because things are getting too sad, too depressing, or they don’t seem to be getting any better. This is my reality of losing my beautiful baby boy and I’m not going to be silenced about it. I’m going to continue to write because one day, maybe I will help someone else with my honestly and craziness. Oh, I have the perfect example of my helping people tonight. It came in the form of an email. Perfect timing.

Maya – I just found out about you and Ronan this week, and you have changed my life. I don’t know if you had the chance to read the really LONG email I sent you this week, and I hope that none of offended you (my references to faith), but writing it actually made me feel a little better. My son died 7 years ago – yesterday was his birthday, and 8/16 will be the 7th anniversary of his death. I feel that I have had to suppress all of my grief, anger, etc., in order to be fair to his twin brother and younger sisters. Your story gave me the courage to start writing mine. Please understand, with regard to my faith, I felt exactly as you do right now. It has taken me a long, long time to find some peace. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to talk, scream, cry or whatever. I wish I would have had an outlet, and I commend you for finding yours. Thanks you for your inspiration, and bless you, your family and Ronan.

: http://3here1inheaven.wordpress.com

See that there, Asshole reader?? Proof that I have helped at least one person! Do I get another Gold Star?!?! I think so! I’m on a roll!!! The girl up there is just one example of why I keep writing. I get 10 emails like this a day. It’s an honor and I feel so privileged that my honesty and pain, can help other people. It is what it is. There is no unnecessary drama, fake sadness, bullshit extra anger… just to keep the readers coming back. It’s me. Just me, trying to get through the days, trying to find things that make me feel good again, but nothing is going to lessen the pain of missing Ronan. He can never be replaced and I will always have a void in my life. I hope to find glimmers of happiness here and there, someday. But it’s only been 3 months. If I am still having this problem, in 3 years, then we can talk. Maybe. Although I did just call you an asshole so you may never want to talk to me again, which is totally fine too.
Alright, Asshole Reader (whoops! you mentioned you were offended by those words) Sorry! They just fucking keep flying out! Bad Mommy. Gold Star taken away. But now I have to go. You have taken away from my writing to Ro time. So now you really are an asshole. Geez. You can’t win tonight. Fine Asshole Reader… I love you anyway because at least you speak what you think, even though I think you should maybe channel it to somewhere else…. like underground dog fighting. I just don’t think it was your place to say all of those things to me when you have no idea what it feels like to lose him. Ronan Sean Thompson. You cannot put me in a category and judge judge judge by what you read. You only read, and I know the reading is intense so I get how one could be worried. But I can tell you, my two boys could not be happier and more loved and more well taken care of. Our house is very happy, despite all the sadness in it. Even with my buckets of tears. I’m not hiding my tears from my boys. This is how it is, this is how we all are feeling, and hiding it is only going to hurt us. We are open, honest, and allowed to feel whatever we want. This is my family. This is our life, grief, pain, and love. We are doing the best we can do.
I feel much better after getting that off my chest. Have a good night and thanks for your “advice.” But please, next time think about who you are writing to and who the eff are you to act like you know when you have no fucking clue. Piss off cowgirl.
I had to put this in tonight. I needed a laugh and Will Ferrell is the best at getting those from me.
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35 thoughts on “An Open Letter to an Asshole

  1. Suba Dhinakar

    Dear Maya,
    I cannot believe the stuffs you have to read from such insensitive writers.. All I can say is we are all here friend. Ignore the ignorant ones. Stay strong. My prayers for you as always. Take care Maya…lol.
    love
    Suba

    1. Lisa

      Big hugs to you. Antidepressants aren’t the answer…burying our pain is a short-term placebo. I am sorry for the cheeseball off-the-cuff insensitive statements people have made, especially the ones re: God. I’ve never lost a child, I hope I never do. I cannot imagine the hideous pain it causes, no matter how many other children one has. each is unique and special and the loss is a ripping of the soul. *big hug*

  2. Michelle

    Well crap, Maya! You’re my hero!!! I can’t count the times I wanted to do this!! If anyone else is paying attention, just to let you know, comments including, “God has a plan”, “He is in a better place”, “God won’t put more on your plate than you can handle”, and, my personal favorite, “at least you still have ——-” should probably be kept to yourselves.

  3. Stacey

    Dear Asshole Reader… please quit reading. This isn’t a car wreck you don’t want to watch but can’t help yourself as you accidentally drive by. You choose to read this. That’s right… you’re like the guy that says he hates porn but buys Playboy, anyway. I am not saying you like Maya’s pain. None of us do… but clearly you’re more the emotional voyeur that derives some pleasure from reading raw honesty, or why would you continue to bother to read? It’s no secret she cusses. She has since the gorgeous child was still alive. It’s no secret she is very open with her feelings. Since when did this all become a newsflash, voluntary reader? And since when did your opinion, here, actually matter? Politely excuse yourself… you’re clearly not among those of us that would stand in front of moving vehicle for this fabulous human being…. and we’d prefer that you leave her be. Unless you want to deal with us…. Now, that’s a can of whoop ass you clearly do not want to open, cowgirl.

  4. Rose B. Koussa

    LOVE this post! LOVE that you let it all out! NO ONE has a right to tell you who you are, who you should be and how you should act! YOU are YOU and whoever doesnt like it, BUZZ OFF!!

    Love,
    Rose =)

  5. kim

    LOVE you maya! love ronan! love your honest and real words, love your feisty personality, love that you don’t take crap from anyone (esp rude and ignorant readers), love that you speak your mind with no apologies or hesitation, love this blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    xoxo

  6. Molly

    Dearest Maya,

    You are truly truly an inspiration and symbol of strength. I cannot believe this “asshole reader” thinks that this an act. What she has written are cold lies. And I know that 99% of your followers, including myself, will continue to read your blog, through the pain, the tears, the laughter, and your healing. It is good that you use this blog as your release and I don’t understand how this “asshole reader” just wants you to bottle it all up. I think it’s great that your family is so open; it’s such a healthy way of living and parenting. Of course, I wish I could say I know everything, but I don’t and I’ll be the first one to admit it. Maya, I’m only 20 years old, but you and Ro have changed my life. So, Maya, I just want to let you know that you’re an awesome Mom and your boys are so lucky to have you. And to the Asshole Reader: Go troll on someone else’s blog. You aren’t wanted here.

    xoxo

  7. Mandi

    Maya, I cannot express how much your words mean to me. While I absolutely cannot understand your pain, I have never suffered the loss of my child, I can sympathize with people who believe they can lob their opinions and beliefs upon people that they do not know. Please, keep writing in the honest way you have, while it is probably not what most would call “enjoyable”, it would definitely be called important.

  8. Murray

    Hi Maya,
    Wow! Way to let ’em have it with both barrels and I was very pleased to see the supportive e-mail you got from your helpful fan. Imagine how clinically depressed you would be without Zoloft! Kidding! I have followed you blog for a while now – months, not weeks. I continue to follow it and while some days I may not read every single word, I feel compelled to honor your efforts (and Ronan’s memory) by reading it. What is more, I do not judge you because I KNOW that I have absolutely no idea what you are going through and that I cannot even imagine going through that. The worst I went through was to witness a work friend go through this with the loss of her grandson – talk about 3 degrees of separation. I hope you know that this one person is in the minority and the the majority of your followers actually feel supportive toward you and your family – all 4 of your dependents (sorry Woody).
    Murray

  9. Daren

    Wow Maya I just have to say Im IMPRESSED… If Mr. ASSHOLE is a male I can only
    say I have 2 Boys ages 8 & 10 and I think Im a Real GREAT Father but I would have to
    use the TERM my 8 yearold say’s ” That GUY is a Total D-BAG”

    There are some people in this world that NEVER know when to as my 10 yearold say’s
    “S.T.F.U.”

    From: A Scottsdale Supporting Father

  10. Rachel

    “Fine Asshole Reader… I love you anyway because at least you speak what you think, even though I think you should maybe channel it to somewhere else…. like underground dog fighting.”

    Best comeback ever!

  11. Rachael

    Atta girl Maya…that fucking (;) my bad – I happen to share that nasty foul mouth with ya Maya that she so dislikes) Cowgirl can ride off on the same white horse she rode in on. Thou shalt not point, judge or be critical of anyone. Focus that attention on evaluating and bettering yourself. Glass houses and all. I cannot believe there are peeps out there that are like this or say such things. I’m totally blown away. Stay strong Maya…we will always stand behind you – to soften your fall, beside you – to hold your hand as you journey through this world (good, bad or ugly) and infront of you – to defend you from the fucked up peeps in this world. All my best and love. You are an inspiration.

  12. sara

    Maya…what the hell is wrong with this person! You lost your beautiful boy only three months ago! I cannot believe someone would even have the balls to try to treat you on this blog. You are not asking for advice, you are now writing to your baby and you are letting us read along so we can help you spread the word about this awful fucking baby killer cancer!!! I know there are some people on here that actually have been in your footsteps, I am so so sorry for them. I cannot even for a minute imagine losing one of my precious children, let alone watching them suffer for 8 months because fucking neuroblastima is eating them alive!!!!! I think you have a right to feel every awful, raw, horrible emotion that you are feeling. You are so amazing to me to even be able to sit at a computer, and write your beautiful words. I went to work 2 weeks straight with swollen eyes , becaues Ronan died. I still cry on a dime when I think of him, and I haven’t even met you or Ronan. You have touched me so deeply, because now I am aware of how easily this could be one of my children, or any other child. And because your Ronan is gone.

    I am rambling now, I just want you to know that you have changed my life and I am now aware of childhood cancer thanks to you. I wish it weren’t this way, but now I know that I have been living in a bubble. I now don’t whine about stupid little things that used to be so tramatic to me, because of you and Ronan. YOU AND YOUR BLOG about your beautiful baby boy who died only three months ago from Neurofuckingblastoma have change everything in my life.

    So, needless to say, I am very glad that you blog, and I know it’s not for the fear of losing your followers, because I am sure you ‘d rather have your baby here instead of any of this shit! So, you do what you need to do. I am behind you 100%, I am rooting for you, Woody, Liam, and Quinn…and Ronan. You are amazing Maya….you are powerful.. I know something good someday will come of this. You and Ronan will save other childrens lives, because you are so strong. AND this my dear is NO BULLSHIT, this is from the heart.

    So, assohole reader with all your wonderful advice, go fuck yourself!!!!!

    love,

    Sara.

  13. Alicia

    As someone who has never posted on a blog of yours, I want to reply to this. I went to high school with you, although i was a couple years ahead of you. I do remember you, though. Your sweet face back then, lol. All you’ve been through, it fucking sucks. But, just from reading your blogs, you stick with me. When I’m trying to push my self because I’m (very) overweight yet I’m training for a 10K (it’s October 1st), that’s because I read how strong you were running on the beach, and I think of Ronan and what if it were my kids. I need to get healthy for them. When I smoked my last “once in awhile” cigarette last month, after reading a post you wrote about how selfish smokers are, you’re right. I quit. I need to be the role model, and I’m so lucky to have them and what the fuck am I thinking. I’m sorry you have the share of assholes you have, but trust me when I say, your words reach a lot of people, even if they don’t post. To Asshole, I’d never consider saying what you did to someone who just lost a child, who is sharing their feelings with the world. It’s real, it’s raw, and it’s obviously struck a chord and scared you, because you felt you had to lash out. I’m sorry for whatever you’re going through, hope it is not bad as what she is going through.

  14. Kay Pami

    Maya, You have touched alot of people, and changed the lifes of many of us. We lost our 2 yr old niece (Sierra Chamblee) in Nov to Neuroblastoma, I know how this affected all of us. I cant imagine walking in your or Sierra’s parents shoes. To hell with the people who feel they want to judge you or any parent that has been through what you have with the end result being your child dying in your arms. We love you and you do what you feel is best for you and yours. Please know theres alot of people who love your whole family and feel like we are family because you have allowed us to be there with you. I know today is hard for you and I’m very sorry, but you’re making something good of it, as you always do. Thoughts and prayers with all of you today and everyday! Pam

  15. Glenda

    Maya,

    Seriously!!!! I agree with you 100%

    Clearly “asshole” didn’t learn at a young age if she doesn’t have anything good to say keep her mouth shut! Who asked for her opinions on grief?! Everyone deals with grief differently.

    Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter!!! Dr. Seuss

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!!!

    Peace and strength
    xo

    Hoping Liam and Quinn are doing well and enjoying school.
    Hoping you and Woody are holding each other up.

  16. Daniella

    Wow, Go Maya Go! To ‘hear’ you talk about what a little trouble maker Ronan was really makes me smile 🙂 And then to read a post like this and get such strong sense of the FIRE you have – wow, no wonder you and Ronan have such a powerful bond! …. oh yeah, and fuck her

  17. Tessa

    I am a first time reader and I was in tears reading this. First about your son and second the reader that thought she knew best. Of course you are depressed, sad, angry…. you just lost your little boy. I think this is a great way for you to vent your greaf and you are helping others at the same time. I know several people who has lost children and each one dealt with it differently. You are dealing with it exactly the way YOU are suppose to. I think you are a very strong woman to keep going as you are.
    I take Zoloft for depression also and it’s not that great for me either. I LOVED Pristiq when I was on it but had to change due to pregnancy and breastfeeding. When I am through bf I will go on it again. It may be worth it for you give it a try. I know someone else who was on Zoloft and switched to Pristiq and it helped her a lot better than Zoloft. Nothing will make you feel completely happy but it may make things a little easier than they are now. I have depression for different reasons but I do know how hard it can be to get past the depressive feelings even with medicine. It is just a matter of trial and error to find the right one for you.
    Keep up the good work momma.

  18. Sheri

    The world is full of too many idiots and not enough Ronans and Mayas. I want you to know that your sharing this journey has changed me. I truly look around every day and appreciate what I have. I hear your words or see those eyes of Ronan. That can’t help your pain, but its true

    Sad weirdos like asshole scare me. But that’s what delete buttons are for. On blogs or in real life. No room for such ugly bitterness. Though I do enjoy seeing them get told what’s what sometimes.

    Thanks for sharing and changing so many of us.

  19. Cynthia

    Maya,
    Your family is loved. Your life is your life, no one should ever tell you when, what or how to love your boys. These feelings are your own. This is Roman and your blog for loving insights about your family so others can can see, the love you have. Anything else is not needed.

  20. Lindsey

    My mom told about this website after my son turned a year, she worked at a foot clinic in Longview. I have never been in your shoes Maya and I can not even imagine the pain you are going through. I have two children of my own and I cried so hard after reading your blogs. My heart goes out to you and your family. You are right about that asshole writer, they can FUCK OFF!!!!! I lost my Nanny 18 months ago, I know that is not the same as a child or even close but I know the assholes I had to deal with telling me that it is time to move on!! What you are doing with these blogs is incredible and I hope that you never stop! You truly are an inspiration to so many people! I don’t know you at all but if I could bring your baby boy back I would in a second! Bless you and your family and Maya, PLEASE keep being you and sharing your honest feelings! I pray for you and your family on a regular basis.

  21. Melissa

    Dear asshole, Fuck off! How dare you try and tell Maya how she should feel and react to losing Ronan! I believe your new name is “Dumbass” b/c you obviouosy have not lick of sense!

    Maya- you are my su

  22. K.C.

    “I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part. God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart.”
    This quote made me tear up and I instantly thought of your story. I found it ironic that asshole reader was offended by your words, yet showed no consideration for the words they posted and how they would offend you. No one “willingly stays in pain” losing a loved one, especially a child isn’t something that a pill can fix. Asshole reader is indeed an inconsiderate, class “A” asshole.

  23. Linsey

    Simply put, I love you Maya. I just started reading your blog so I am about a year & a few months in the past but this entry made me so happy. I’m a psychology student & know that you are most defiantly not clinically depressed at this point in time. You are simply grieving the horrendous loss of your precious baby boy. I love your response & I look forward to reading your blog & finally reaching the present to see how you and your family are doing now.

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