Dear Asshole Reader,
I guess I’m going to have to get used to people like you. Because the world is full of them. Stupid know-it-alls, who judge and give advice just to hear themselves speak. People who think they have the right to spew out their words because they think they know how a mother who has just lost her son, should be feeling. All I have to say is, Wow. And you can fuck off. You have a lot of nerve, to write your words and with all that you had to say, I am assuming you have devoted your life to studying parents whom have lost a child? You seem so knowledgable on the subject. Or clearly, you are a Psychologist yourself?? Hats off to you, if you are either of those things, because you totally seem to have it all figured out. As if there IS a specific formula to follow after one loses a child. You should really write a book on the subject and pass it out to grieving parents everywhere.
You said to me that I am clinically depressed. Do you know what the exact symptoms of that are? I do. I’ve been seeing my therapist and good doctor for about 10 months now. They are both very extremely intelligent and very good at what they do. In case you do not know the symptoms of being clinically depressed, I will tell them to you and we can go over them one by one. I feel like educating you tonight. I hope you don’t mind. We can make it into a fun little game, I’ll just put a (Y) for yes, in front of the symptoms I do agree with, and a (N) for a no, in front of the one’s I disagree with.
of Clinical Depression
There are different forms of clinical depression with different combinations of the following symptoms:
- Sleep disturbances-insomnia, oversleeping, waking much earlier than usual- (Y) Insomnia is a given.
- Changes in appetite or eating: much more or much less-(Y)Turns out your kid getting cancer and dying from it is the perfect diet! YEAH!!! Gold Star for me!
- Decreased energy, fatigue (N)Opposite.
- Headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems or other physical symptoms that are not explained by other physical conditions or do not respond to treatment- (Y) Shaky hands- check. Throwing up because the thought of everything my child went through and not having him here anymore, makes me sick to my stomach-check.
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, such as going out with friends, hobbies, sports, sex, etc. (Y) and (N) I won’t go into the “intimate” details but as you can imagine, sex is not really at the top of my priority list right now. But a (N) to the sports. If I was not active, I really do think I would bury myself in a hole in my backyard and never come out.
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions. Wait….. What was the question again?? I can’t remember. Kidding! Of course I remember, silly!! (Y) I cannot concentrate on a thing or even remember the day of the week. I can still make a decision for the most part though. Like deciding to call you an asshole tonight. That may have not been a “good” decision, but hey, I made it all by myself! Gold star for me again!!
- Neglecting responsibilities or personal appearance (N) I have a lot of responsibility in my life that I am taking care of. For example: today, I had nothing of importance to do and we needed new air filters for our home, so I went to Home Depot and bought them! All by myself. Granted, I ended up buying the wrong one’s (fuck there goes that “remembering” thing again!) And while buying them, I think I even looked halfway decent, so I’d give a (N) to neglecting my personal appearance. Shit. I didn’t blow-dry my hair today though but instead threw it back in a bun…. UGH…. I may now have to re think that personal appearance thing. I did shower though and I’m pretty sure I smelled good so I may be o.k.
- Persistent sad or “empty” mood, lasting two or more weeks- Well fuck. It’s been 3 months and I’m still feeling really sad, and empty. I didn’t know I had to be over the death of my son in less than 2 weeks. That seems kind of harsh!
- Crying “for no reason”- So much crying going on here. I have a million reasons to cry though so this cannot apply to me at all.
- Feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty or worthless- Yup. Living in a hospital for 8 months and seeing all of the sick cancer kids, some without parents to even take care of them, and then having your own son die in your arms….. well that can leave one feeling pretty hopeless and helpless. I totally feel guilty about all of my sadness and I do feel worthless because I promised my son I would get him all better, and I didn’t.
- Feeling irritable, agitated or anxious- Not really irritable… unless you are my husband… then you get the short end of the stick (Sorry Woo) Anxious? All the time. I constantly think my kids, myself, or husband are going to get cancer next. I have a lot of anxiety about that.
- Thoughts of death or suicide (Y) But then I think of what that would do to Liam and Quinn and it comes down to that would just make me a selfish bitch. That’s just not me. I like to take care of people, and I have 2 amazing little guys to take care of. 3 if you count Wooddawg, which I do. 4 if you still count Ronan, which I do. He would never forgive me if I did something so stupid like that. And when Ronan gets mad, he gets MAD! I would not want to spend my afterlife with him and all of his anger for me because if I were to do something like that, he would never forgive me.
Well jeez! Good thing I have been on one for 8 months now! Zoloft, 100mg, to be exact. OMG. I suddenly feel SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must be working! O.K. asshole reader. You have no freaking idea what you are talking about. A pill is not going to make me happy. I have been questioning this Zoloft crap for a while because it seems to do nothing for me. I am convinced that no pill can take away this pain that I feel 24 hours a day, unless it is one that numbs you so much that you don’t feel a thing. I’m not doing that. I’m not going to stuff this away and not deal with it now, so it can come out 10 years down the road. Sorry. Not happening. I’m going to whine, cry, say it’s not fair, be bitter, sad, depressed, angry, and cuss up a fucking storm because that is how I am feeling. If you don’t agree, then stop reading and go away. I don’t want support from someone who is so judgmental and close minded. And another thing, you can take that rejoice thing and shove it up your ass. I will never rejoice that Ronan is gone. He was so happy and so healthy for being so sick. He lived his life as if he didn’t have cancer at all because for the most part he was just happy to be with me, no matter what. And with his brothers and daddy. He was more pissed about all the “rules,” he had to follow. My little rebel. He didn’t stop fighting until the very last day, when I told him he had to stop being so stubborn and just relax his body so he could come with me for the rest of my life. I told him I would keep him with me forever and that is what I plan on doing.
Maya – I just found out about you and Ronan this week, and you have changed my life. I don’t know if you had the chance to read the really LONG email I sent you this week, and I hope that none of offended you (my references to faith), but writing it actually made me feel a little better. My son died 7 years ago – yesterday was his birthday, and 8/16 will be the 7th anniversary of his death. I feel that I have had to suppress all of my grief, anger, etc., in order to be fair to his twin brother and younger sisters. Your story gave me the courage to start writing mine. Please understand, with regard to my faith, I felt exactly as you do right now. It has taken me a long, long time to find some peace. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to talk, scream, cry or whatever. I wish I would have had an outlet, and I commend you for finding yours. Thanks you for your inspiration, and bless you, your family and Ronan.
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