Baseball, Brisket and Marriage Equality for all!

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Ronan. I think time is standing still. At least that’s how it feels to me. Maybe it’s because I’m having to take things easy now that your Poppy sister is almost here. Maybe it’s grief. Or a combination of both. I remember things feeling this way right after you passed away for the first 6 months or so. It feels like this once again. I wake up, do the things I need to do, but life feels really empty right now. Nothing feels good. I’m exhausted. I can hardly make it through the day and normal things like keeping up on the laundry, dishes, and feeding your sweet brothers, feels really, really hard. I’m sure this mostly has to do with my pregnancy coming to an end but still, it’s mentally wearing me down. Then there is still the issue with your bedroom. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. I can’t believe it really happened and all of your things are out of there, being cleaned, refinished, your clothes are in bins, your stuffed animals in bags. I still am in shock over it all. I never thought I would let that day happen. Your daddy asked what I wanted to do with the clothes in your closet. I made him leave them there. I still like to touch them and smell them, even though they smell nothing like your sweet little scent. I still take whiffs of them whenever I can, hoping to be reminded of a sweet memory of when they were last worn by you.

I saw Dr. Schwartz today. Everything is progressing well, but I seriously feel like this pregnancy is never going to come to an end. I have it in my head that Poppy is just going to stay inside of me forever as I sometimes still do not think she is real. I honestly don’t think I will fully be able to truly absorb what is happening until I have her in my arms. We talked about everything from Cord Blood Banking, postpartum depression to the whooping-cough vaccine she made your daddy get today. She told us that she doesn’t want anybody around Poppy who has not had the T-dap vaccine as she has been seeing babies die from being exposed. Great. Add that to my list of things to worry about. Liam and Quinn had it with their regular immunizations so they are fine. I had to call your Nana to tell her she needed to get hers before she comes out here. Dr. Schwartz is just being extra careful which is good, but it still makes me nervous. Then there is the whole postpartum depression thing. We sat and had a conversation for a good 20 minutes about this. I told her I honestly wasn’t worried about it. I’ve never had it with my other kids and if I am depressed at all, it’s during this pregnancy -the here and now as being pregnant is keeping me from being able to do everything that helps me not to be depressed/consumed by my grief (which is not depression it’s just grief!) Mainly my exercising. Once your Poppy sister is here, I will be able to start to have my outlets again and they won’t consist of me resting in bed, which I fucking HATE, but instead will consist of going out and doing my hikes/runs/anything to get the adrenaline flowing. She talked about anti depressants. I told her how that’s not happening as I had taken them before and I swear they made me suicidal. How they just seemed to pile on more grief because I wasn’t dealing with anything and I was just numb. I agreed to let your daddy watch out for me though but still, I think I know myself pretty well. We’ll see if I’m eating my words in a few weeks and if so, I’ll deal with it my way. I sent Dr. Jo a text about this later today. We had a very long conversation which left me laughing at the way she got so riled up over the mention of medication/and postpartum depression vs just plain grief. I love her passion so much.We talked about our plan because we do have one. It’s the same one we’ve always followed. When things get more heavy for me, I see Dr. Jo on a more frequent basis and I’m always honest with her about everything I am feeling. We work through it the way it works for me. No fucking meds required. We talked about my sadness though all of this and how I will face it head on. She knows that Poppy is not just going to appear and BAM! all my sadness will be gone. She expects me to feel waves of happiness and waves of sadness with all of this. That’s just the way my life is always now. Poppy won’t fix it all. As Dr. Jo said, “You are not having Poppy to replace Ronan. You are having Poppy because you wanted another baby. But you need to be prepared for the people that are going to come out and act like this she is the answer to all of your sadness. People want her to fix everything and to take this all away from you but that’s not the reality of this. You need to let people know that the birth of this baby girl, does not diminish your pain or your grief. That she does not take Ronan’s place in your family. Ronan’s place is Ronan’s place and he will always be there.” That is our reality. That will always be our reality and nothing will change that. Not even your beautiful baby sister. I know she is going to help with our sadness, Ronan. But our sadness won’t disappear and I am o.k. with that. I am learning every day to just live with it.

Your daddy has been the one working in your room. I can’t bring myself to do a thing. Thank you for him. I honestly don’t know what I would do without that amazing daddy of yours. I always knew I was so lucky to have him, but going through something like this really makes me realize it that much more. He truly is unlike any other man on this planet. He has taken such good care of all of us in every way since losing you. I know it’s a big reason our family seems to be doing o.k. To have such a strong loving man to hold us all up, makes all the difference in the world. I can’t imagine where our family would be without your daddy. Every single night he talks to you out loud before he goes to bed. It mostly breaks my heart to listen to his words and I often times pretend like I am sleeping because what he says, usually makes me cry. Sometimes I don’t want to listen to what he is saying, because him telling you good night and how much he misses you, leaves me with a pit in my stomach that I will never get used to. I always appreciate this though even though it is so hard for me to hear. He went to a concert tonight. He’s been going to a lot of these things lately. I always encourage it. I will always be the wife that says, “Please, go. Have fun.” I will never be the wife that bitches or complains that he does these things. He deserves the break. He deserves to blow off some steam. He works so hard and takes such good care of us that I am always supportive of your daddy going out and having some fun. It makes me happy to see him doing these things. He is so ridiculously excited for your sister to be here. I cannot wait to see what it’s like for him to have a baby girl. I know it is just going to melt my heart. What a lucky little girl to have a daddy like him. It will be such a beautiful thing for our family.

I made your brothers dinner tonight. I cooked a really great brisket for Passover and talked to your brothers all about this holiday and what it means. It’s is important to me that they know about all religions, not just one or none. I want to teach them about EVERYTHING. I want them to have an open mind and be educated about it all. It was a fun little bonding time tonight where we talked about everything from sports to religion to marriage equality for all. Yes. I talk to my twins about this. I am proud to say that I do as I cannot believe this is even an issue in this day and age. Don’t we have bigger fish to fry? Why in the world do I care if my neighbor Bob marries Joe down the street? I don’t. People should be allowed to love who they love, end of story. My boys will grow up knowing this. It’s not our job to judge others or tell others what is right or wrong. It’s not hurting my family, affecting my marriage so GEEZ! Can we please just stop all this madness?! KIDS ARE DYING PEOPLE! Left and right kids are dying from a little thing called cancer yet nobody seems up in arms over this. That to me is pure insanity. People need to get a life and focus on what is really important in the world and it is not over who your neighbor, loves and wants to marry. The ignorance around this is shameful and embarrassing and enough is enough. I have 2 things I am really passionate about in life. 1) Childhood Cancer and 2) Equal rights for all. I won’t ever shut up or shy away from those two things. I was lucky enough in life to have parents who taught me to have an open mind at such an early age and who welcomed a very gay, black man into our world who we loved like our family and whom I was taught was no different from us. I will forever be grateful for my parents for this lesson in life. I will forever be grateful for my parents who let a little girl love a man for who he was, not who society defined him as being. I am a better person for this and my twins will be, too. I would have given ANYTHING for Ronan to grow up and be gay. Or straight. Who cares. At least he would have freaking had the chance to grow up and not die from cancer! Seriously. Where are our priorities?

Alright little man. I’m going to get off my soap box for tonight. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. It won’t be much longer now. I love you.

xoxo

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I meant to get a manicure, but I wound up in the hospital instead.

tumblr_m9i6yn6qKe1qkvjujo1_500Ronan. The past few days, have been really, really bad. Not only for me mentally, but physically as well. I think I’ve been overdoing some things. I think I’m in a really bad grieving period and I’m not sure quite what to do. I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with the holidays coming up. All I want for Christmas is you and I can’t come to peace with that I don’t get to have you here with us. I am notorious for throwing up since losing you. It has been happening off and on since you left this earth. I had really bad morning sickness with Poppy that I thought I had gotten through, but it might not be the morning sickness that is making me still so very sick. I started throwing up on Monday night and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for days. I know what the flu feels like, and this is not the flu. I think it’s just grief/exhaustion/ pregnancy. My insomnia is making me a mad woman as well. The combo of throwing up and not sleeping caught up with me and Dr. Schwartz made me check myself into the hospital where I was pumped full of IV fluids, monitored, and then they gave me a shot in the ass that hurt like a mother fucker. I was dehydrated. With a severe case of I really, really, really just miss you. I am home now but I wish I wasn’t. I’m going crazy in our house, not having you here. All of my pain seems to so sharp again, just when I thought it was becoming a little duller. It’s not. Everything hurts to the core, worse than normal.

I made it through much of the week, trying to be as productive as possible. Nobody really knew anything was wrong except your daddy because he has watched me become the spawn of the devil. Throwing up, up and down all night long, crying all through the night, pulling away because it’s what I do best when I am in so much pain. I can still put on a good game face when I have to though. Like when I went to an event on Tuesday at PCH. One where the room was full of some of my favorite people that treated you. I was feeling miserable, but I know when to turn on my acting skills. I saw one of my favorite doctors there, Dr. Adams. I haven’t seen her since before you passed away. I went up to her. I don’t know if she recognized me right away. I touched her arm. “Dr. Adams. It’s Maya, Ronan’s mom.” I watched her eyes well up with tears. She grabbed me and just held on to me for a minute. “Oh my gosh, dear. How are you? I told her I was o.k. I told her about your Poppy sister. She said she was so glad to see me. The press conference started on so we had to be quiet. I stood next to her for it. She had to sneak out in the middle of it but before she left she grabbed on to me once again, embraced me in her arms and whispered in my ear. “This baby girl is not going to replace Ronan. Nothing ever will. Ever. Not even close. I know you know that. But I think she will help your broken heart just a bit. Please take care of yourself. It was so nice to see you.” I told her thank you and somehow managed not to become a puddle on the floor. That woman will always have a special place in my heart. I know she is so sad that you didn’t get better. So many people are. I was thankful for her kind words. It takes a special kind of person to really say what is in their heart. I think it is much easier for people just to say things like, “Congratulations!” about the new baby, and harder for them to really truly understand that this is not going to fix everything. That behind this baby, is still a lot of sadness and pain. I know this baby is an absolute gift. But I also know it is not the answer for the big gaping hole that is in my heart. She will never replace you. She will be a part of you. I will find some comfort in that.

It wasn’t until yesterday, that I really knew I was in breakdown mode. I know the not sleeping thing, is making everything worse. All I could do yesterday was cry and throw up. Cry and throw up. I cried at the post office. I cried picking up your brothers jerseys for their YMCA basketball game. I cried when that Coldplay song, “Fix You,” came on the radio. I walked around numbly for most of the day. I went into some stupid pretty store, full of stupid pretty things. I was waiting for the store to make me feel happy and fulfilled like I’m sure it would have, in my previous life, right? Because I’m sure I was the asshole back then, who thought shit like that mattered in life. I walked through this store, which looked like a NYC home store boutique on crack. Pretty stupid expensive Christmas stuff everywhere. I just wanted to be the normal girl who went “Ohhhh and Ahhhh!” over everything. Instead, all I wanted to do was throw every breakable, delicate item on the ground and scream, “What is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! This bullshit is not what matters in life! Don’t you know that Ronan died and Teddy is dying and all these kids need our help?!!!!” I left the store and drove aimlessly around crying so hard, I don’t know how I didn’t get into an accident. I ended up in a parking lot, and called Dr. Jo. We had a good little phone conversation and I ended up calming down. I was supposed to see her today, but then I ended up in the hospital. I am home now. I wish I wasn’t. I liked being in the hospital listening to all the beeps and sounds that I used to listen to, with you. I know that sounds crazy, but to me it was comforting.

Your daddy came home tonight to tell me that our dentist had died. The non-smoker dentist who developed lung cancer out of the blue. Our young dad of a dentist that I used to take you to. How is that fucking possible? You are healthy. He takes care of your beautiful teeth. You get cancer. We stop going to him. He gets cancer. He is treated for it. You die. He dies. And you were both so fucking innocent. He didn’t smoke. You didn’t do a thing wrong in your life but you were both dealt the hand of a fucking death sentence. I hope the fuckwad that came up with the saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” reads this. Then they can go and fuck off. Everything DOES NOT happen for a reason. There was no reason for your death or his. Now his wife is left here and his kids have to grow up without a dad. There is no reason at all for the endless pain and suffering on this planet, especially when it has to do with such innocent souls. Everything happens for a reason is another one of the stupidest sayings in life. Add it to my list of things only idiots say.

Our Teddy friend is not doing so well. That might be another reason I am so upset this week. This is killing my soul. I had the best day with him this summer, kissing the top of his little bald head and holding his hand as we crossed the street. The way he laughed and played with your brothers, reminded me so much of you. He has an 8-year-old brother who is not understanding any of this. I feel like I am reading our story, all over again. I need you to take care of him, Ronan. All his mama wants is for him to go peacefully now. Please don’t let him suffer. Please let him fall asleep, the way you did. Please everyone, keep Teddy boy in your thoughts, prayers or whatever else  you do. If you want to follow his story, you can do so here. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teddybergergreer/journal

I’m so sorry. I don’t have much more to say tonight. I’m just so very sad for this family and this little boy. I’m going to go now my little spicy monkey. I need to try to get some rest so I don’t wind up back in the hospital. Your daddy is bringing me a smoothie home. I hope I can keep that down. So far, this anti nausea medicine seems to be helping. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. My ass, really, really hurts. Like really. That nurse stuck me today like I’ve never been stuck before! I think I even yelped.

A Poppy Shower? O.k. Only if tradition does not exist.

 

Ronan. I survived your 18 months. It rained. Of course it did. It was a hard day with a lot of tears but I didn’t die. If pain alone could kill me, I would have died about a million times by now. I’ve been busy but not in my normal way of running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. I’ve been doing a lot of things around our house, which you know kills me. I’ve been spending a lot of time with your brothers and daddy. We have gone out to eat a couple of times, as a family. “Table for 4 please,” never becomes easier to say. I always have to say it fighting back tears. I told Rita yesterday that being pregnant makes me suicidal. I was kind of joking but kind of not. I feel really alone and isolated with this pregnancy. Like I am the only mother in the world who has lost a child and is now carrying another life inside of her. I know there are other mothers out there, who have gone through this as well. But they are not really in my inner circle, unless you count Dr. Jo. So for the most part, I am alone in this. Nobody else that I am in contact with, knows what this could possibly feel like. Instead this pregnancy is filled with a lot of happiness from the outside world. As if this will fix everything. It doesn’t. It will not. I know this baby will bring a lot of smiles, but my smiles will always come with tears; for the rest of my life. The pain behind my eyes, will never go away.

I have been trying to plan our second annual Macegiving. You know since last year I banned Thanksgiving at our house. We made our own day and it revolved around your Auntie Macy and doing whatever the hell we wanted. No formal Thanksgiving Day existed. Macy will fly in, just as she did last year to save us from this wretched holiday. Maybe this year, I feel as if I have more to be thankful for, but I still think it is bullshit that I have to sit around a table, without you. Last year, I wore my “Fuck Cancer,” shirt. I shot a bb gun. We ate Chinese Food, let off fireworks and beat the shit out of a piñata. This year will be more of the same but I will cook some pies. I love cooking pies and miss it so much. We will have friends come and go through out the day. Nothing formal or stuffy. No fancy clothes or fake smiles required. No prayers or sitting around a table together saying what it is, we are thankful for. Our day will be tough, as all holidays are, but thankfully we have some great friends to help us get through it. The best fucking friends on the planet.

Poppy is growing like crazy. So is my stomach. Never in my life have I eaten healthier, not because I want to, but because she requires it. I’m a healthy eater anyway, but Little Miss Poppy, has taken it to a whole new level. No meat, not much candy, no fast food, nothing greasy or processed. I’ve been living off of humus, fruit, veggies, some cheese here and there. The other day, I went to a restaurant with Stacy and Fernanda. Fernanda ordered a burger, Stacy the French Dip. “I’ll have the veggie platter, please.” They both looked at me like I was crazy. “WTF? I know! This Poppy only wants really healthy shit!” With all of you boys, I totally remember eating burgers, ice cream, etc… Stuff that you are supposed to enjoy when you are pregnant. Maybe it’s because she is a girl, that I want none of that stuff. I find it funny. I wonder if the second she is born, that I’ll be dying for my meat and candy galore again. Right now, sign me up for the beets, cauliflower, humus, apples, and whatever healthy stuff I can get my hands on. I even went to the movies a couple of weeks ago with Rita and pulled out cauliflower from my purse. It didn’t even seem weird to me until she pointed out that it was totally weird. Your little sister is quirky already and I kind of love it;) She is already taking after me.

Last week I got the news that the trial we funded with Solving Kids’ Cancer for Dr. Mosse at CHOP is a go. We sent our check in and I could not be more proud. Proud of you. Proud of us. Proud of all the people out there, sending us there hard-earned money. A dollar here, a dollar there…. It all adds up. I am so proud to be partnering up with another AMAZING childhood cancer foundation. Believe me, I have researched them ALL. Solving Kids’ Cancer is the best of the best. I cannot wait to collaborate with them for the many more things that we have in the works. Together, we are going to change this game, big time. I kept my word to Dr. Mosse. I said from the very beginning the first thing we funded, would be with her. Although she never treated you, Ronan, she navigated us down this road and at the end of the day was the only person to look me in the eyes and say, “I am so sorry. We as a medical community, have failed you.” Those words, one of the worst things I have ever had to hear, came across not in a sharp and hurtful way, but full of compassion and true sadness. Her eyes were full of the dignity and grace that you deserved and that we as parents, so needed. I believe in the work she is doing. I believe in her as not only a doctor, but a human being. I know what she is doing, will make a difference. I am so happy to support her in any way that we can. Thank you all so much, for making this happen. This would not have happened, without you.

Tonight I went to Chelsea’s Kitchen for a little pow wow of a dinner. I met up with some of our lovies for an impromptu meeting about some things we have in the works. We talked about some foundation things but also some personal things. I have some of my closest girlfriends who want to throw me a baby shower. I’ve been fighting them on it but I know I am not going to win. We sat tonight and talked about how they know the “traditional,” baby shower, won’t fly for me. “Please, I don’t want to sit around, drink punch and open gifts. Please, I don’t want to play the jelly bean game where you guess how many of them are in a baby bottle. Please, I don’t want to have everyone guess how big my belly is with a string. I will throw up and run out of the room if any of that takes place.” Please I just want my Ronan back, too. Can’t I have Ronan and Poppy both? I cannot. At the end of the night the girls came up with some ideas for this very non traditional baby shower which I will know nothing about as I am just showing up. All of their ideas made me laugh and seems very Maya like which means it goes against the norm of everything baby shower required. My anxiety is a lot less now. I am so thankful for the friends I have, who understand that a traditional shower would only send me screaming out of the room, crying. I am thankful for the friends who embrace the me for being me and love me so much. I am thankful that they are still here and were brave enough to never go away, even when I know I was not capable of being a friend to anyone. I am thankful for them loving me and never judging. Because they understand that nobody has the right to judge a grieving mother. It’s because of their gifts that I will forever spend the rest of my life, giving them what I have left. Which at times, may only be a little or it may be a lot. Either way, they do not care. They love me enough to stand by my side to know that when I am ready, I will come back. I feel like I have in a lot of ways. I am so glad they waited for me. I am so glad they never gave up, even after you left Ronan. They are still here and still fighting. That is also because they love you, so very much. I know there was a time in my life when I thought I didn’t need anybody. All I wanted to do, was push everyone away. The friends that are still here are the one’s who never stopped fighting for you, for me, for us, for our family. I will forever be so thankful for them. I now know that I very much needed them all so badly. I would be so sad, if they had gone away which they easily could have done but chose not to do. Thank you to all of you, who are still here. I love you so very much.

Alright little man. I am beat. Poppy is still making me pretty tired. I am dreaming so vividly but still not seeing you which I don’t understand. I talk about you, watch everyone else talk about you, your death seems to be in my dreams all of the time, but never your little face. I would give anything to see it. I think about you all of the time. You would think this would mean I get to see you in my dreams too. I don’t. I hardly ever do. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

 

Thanks for all the Dr. JoRo Love!!!

 

Here’s how you can help her. See below. Thanks lovies. You all are the best. Thank you from the both of us!

Dear Joanne Cacciatore,

I read your post earlier this morning on bereavement. Brent Robbins, who is on my committee, sent it to me. It is wonderful. So touching and so human… I’m so glad our paths have crossed.

Thanks for your article and for referencing our effort.
Our petition websitehttp://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dsm5/ has now collected more than 12,000 signatures, plus more than 40 “mental health” organizations have endorsed it, including the
British Psychological Society (nearly 50K members) and 14 Divisions of the American Psychological Association. The DSM-5 Reform effort will be the cornerstone of the Division 32,
Society for Humanistic Psychology, program at the annual APA conference in Orlando, Florida, this coming August. We have three program events focused on these concerns.

I don’t know whether we will have any influence in bringing about substantive changes or not — but we are doing our best. If you care to give out our petition website link and encourage professionals to read our “open letter” and sign the petition if they agree with it, we would be soooo appreciated. The hot link is:http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dsm5/

Response from Dr. David Elkins

http://www.newexistentialists.com/author/david-elkins

An Open Letter to an Asshole

Dear Asshole Reader,

I guess I’m going to have to get used to people like you. Because the world is full of them. Stupid know-it-alls, who judge and give advice just to hear themselves speak. People who think they have the right to spew out their words because they think they know how a mother who has just lost her son, should be feeling. All I have to say is, Wow. And you can fuck off. You have a lot of nerve, to write your words and with all that you had to say, I am assuming you have devoted your life to studying parents whom have lost a child? You seem so knowledgable on the subject. Or clearly, you are a Psychologist yourself?? Hats off to you, if you are either of those things, because you totally seem to have it all figured out. As if there IS a specific formula to follow after one loses a child. You should really write a book on the subject and pass it out to grieving parents everywhere.

You said to me that I am clinically depressed. Do you know what the exact symptoms of that are? I do. I’ve been seeing my therapist and good doctor for about 10 months now. They are both very extremely intelligent and very good at what they do. In case you do not know the symptoms of being clinically depressed, I will tell them to you and we can go over them one by one. I feel like educating you tonight. I hope you don’t mind. We can make it into a fun little game, I’ll just put a (Y) for yes, in front of the symptoms I do agree with, and a (N) for a no, in front of the one’s I disagree with.

Common Symptoms
of Clinical Depression

There are different forms of clinical depression with different combinations of the following symptoms:

Physical:

  • Sleep disturbances-insomnia, oversleeping, waking much earlier than usual- (Y) Insomnia is a given.
  • Changes in appetite or eating: much more or much less-(Y)Turns out your kid getting cancer and dying from it is the perfect diet! YEAH!!! Gold Star for me!
  • Decreased energy, fatigue (N)Opposite.
  • Headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems or other physical symptoms that are not explained by other physical conditions or do not respond to treatment- (Y) Shaky hands- check. Throwing up because the thought of everything my child went through and not having him here anymore, makes me sick to my stomach-check.

Behavioral/Attitude:

  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, such as going out with friends, hobbies, sports, sex, etc. (Y) and (N) I won’t go into the “intimate” details but as you can imagine, sex is not really at the top of my priority list right now. But a (N) to the sports. If I was not active, I really do think I would bury myself in a hole in my backyard and never come out.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions. Wait….. What was the question again?? I can’t remember. Kidding! Of course I remember, silly!! (Y) I cannot concentrate on a thing or even remember the day of the week. I can still make a decision for the most part though. Like deciding to call you an asshole tonight. That may have not been a “good” decision, but hey, I made it all by myself! Gold star for me again!!
  • Neglecting responsibilities or personal appearance (N) I have a lot of responsibility in my life that I am taking care of. For example: today, I had nothing of importance to do and we needed new air filters for our home, so I went to Home Depot and bought them! All by myself. Granted, I ended up buying the wrong one’s (fuck there goes that “remembering” thing again!) And while buying them, I think I even looked halfway decent, so I’d give a (N) to neglecting my personal appearance. Shit. I didn’t blow-dry my hair today though but instead threw it back in a bun…. UGH…. I may now have to re think that personal appearance thing. I did shower though and I’m pretty sure I smelled good so I may be o.k.

Emotional:

  • Persistent sad or “empty” mood, lasting two or more weeks- Well fuck. It’s been 3 months and I’m still feeling really sad, and empty. I didn’t know I had to be over the death of my son in less than 2 weeks. That seems kind of harsh!
  • Crying “for no reason”- So much crying going on here. I have a million reasons to cry though so this cannot apply to me at all.
  • Feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty or worthless- Yup. Living in a hospital for 8 months and seeing all of the sick cancer kids, some without parents to even take care of them, and then having your own son die in your arms….. well that can leave one feeling pretty hopeless and helpless. I totally feel guilty about all of my sadness and I do feel worthless because I promised my son I would get him all better, and I didn’t.
  • Feeling irritable, agitated or anxious- Not really irritable… unless you are my husband… then you get the short end of the stick (Sorry Woo) Anxious? All the time. I constantly think my kids, myself, or husband are going to get cancer next. I have a lot of anxiety about that.
  • Thoughts of death or suicide (Y) But then I think of what that would do to Liam and Quinn and it comes down to that would just make me a selfish bitch. That’s just not me. I like to take care of people, and I have 2 amazing little guys to take care of. 3 if you count Wooddawg, which I do. 4 if you still count Ronan, which I do. He would never forgive me if I did something so stupid like that. And when Ronan gets mad, he gets MAD! I would not want to spend my afterlife with him and all of his anger for me because if I were to do something like that, he would never forgive me.
So, now that we have dissected that, I think you actually may be right! Or they need to change the diagnoses from “Clinical Depression,” to “Things you may feel or do after losing a child.” Hey, that could be your new calling in life! You could have them re write the handbook, since you know so much about each individual person and how they should be acting or feeling. Oh, but guess what else. You told me I need to get on an anti depressant asap. You said I could never be happy again, unless I get on some medication. Your exact words were ,”Please get some antidepressants and let the pain go. Rejoice that Ronan is no longer suffering. Rejoice that his spirit is free of his painful body and that one day your spirit will see his again.”
Well jeez! Good thing I have been on one for 8 months now! Zoloft, 100mg, to be exact. OMG. I suddenly feel SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must be working! O.K. asshole reader. You have no freaking idea what you are talking about. A pill is not going to make me happy. I have been questioning this Zoloft crap for a while because it seems to do nothing for me. I am convinced that no pill can take away this pain that I feel 24 hours a day, unless it is one that numbs you so much that you don’t feel a thing. I’m not doing that. I’m not going to stuff this away and not deal with it now, so it can come out 10 years down the road. Sorry. Not happening. I’m going to whine, cry, say it’s not fair, be bitter, sad, depressed, angry, and cuss up a fucking storm because that is how I am feeling. If you don’t agree, then stop reading and go away. I don’t want support from someone who is so judgmental and close minded. And another thing, you can take that rejoice thing and shove it up your ass. I will never rejoice that Ronan is gone. He was so happy and so healthy for being so sick. He lived his life as if he didn’t have cancer at all because for the most part he was just happy to be with me, no matter what. And with his brothers and daddy. He was more pissed about all the “rules,” he had to follow. My little rebel. He didn’t stop fighting until the very last day, when I told him he had to stop being so stubborn and just relax his body so he could come with me for the rest of my life. I told him I would keep him with me forever and that is what I plan on doing.
I could go on and on about some of the things you said lady….. I loved this part….”I sometimes think you love the following of your readers so much, that you are willing to stay in this pain forever just to keep them. You fear if you heal and get on with your life, that there will no longer be a reason for the blog, and the readers will go. Maybe that is what is best. You love the attention the blog gives you, so much you are willing to sacrifice all your family for it. That is truly sad and unhealthy. I hope you will get help and we won’t be disappointed if you are no longer sad or hurting.” LMFAO about that one. Yes, yes, this is all just a show, an act. I must wallow in my sadness so my lovely readers won’t leave me. Lady- Are you on crack?!?! You cannot possibly be serious. That is one of the craziest comments I’ve ever heard. I would not sacrifice my family for anything (well that could change tomorrow if they start to drive me crazy) The writing I do, is my quiet down time when everyone else is asleep or not home. I do my writing because I have so much shit spinning around in my head all day and it is the only thing that calms me down. If I don’t get it all out, I can’t sit still. I know it doesn’t have to be public knowledge, this pain of mine…. but I started it that way and I’m not going to half ass it or stop because things are getting too sad, too depressing, or they don’t seem to be getting any better. This is my reality of losing my beautiful baby boy and I’m not going to be silenced about it. I’m going to continue to write because one day, maybe I will help someone else with my honestly and craziness. Oh, I have the perfect example of my helping people tonight. It came in the form of an email. Perfect timing.

Maya – I just found out about you and Ronan this week, and you have changed my life. I don’t know if you had the chance to read the really LONG email I sent you this week, and I hope that none of offended you (my references to faith), but writing it actually made me feel a little better. My son died 7 years ago – yesterday was his birthday, and 8/16 will be the 7th anniversary of his death. I feel that I have had to suppress all of my grief, anger, etc., in order to be fair to his twin brother and younger sisters. Your story gave me the courage to start writing mine. Please understand, with regard to my faith, I felt exactly as you do right now. It has taken me a long, long time to find some peace. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to talk, scream, cry or whatever. I wish I would have had an outlet, and I commend you for finding yours. Thanks you for your inspiration, and bless you, your family and Ronan.

: http://3here1inheaven.wordpress.com

See that there, Asshole reader?? Proof that I have helped at least one person! Do I get another Gold Star?!?! I think so! I’m on a roll!!! The girl up there is just one example of why I keep writing. I get 10 emails like this a day. It’s an honor and I feel so privileged that my honesty and pain, can help other people. It is what it is. There is no unnecessary drama, fake sadness, bullshit extra anger… just to keep the readers coming back. It’s me. Just me, trying to get through the days, trying to find things that make me feel good again, but nothing is going to lessen the pain of missing Ronan. He can never be replaced and I will always have a void in my life. I hope to find glimmers of happiness here and there, someday. But it’s only been 3 months. If I am still having this problem, in 3 years, then we can talk. Maybe. Although I did just call you an asshole so you may never want to talk to me again, which is totally fine too.
Alright, Asshole Reader (whoops! you mentioned you were offended by those words) Sorry! They just fucking keep flying out! Bad Mommy. Gold Star taken away. But now I have to go. You have taken away from my writing to Ro time. So now you really are an asshole. Geez. You can’t win tonight. Fine Asshole Reader… I love you anyway because at least you speak what you think, even though I think you should maybe channel it to somewhere else…. like underground dog fighting. I just don’t think it was your place to say all of those things to me when you have no idea what it feels like to lose him. Ronan Sean Thompson. You cannot put me in a category and judge judge judge by what you read. You only read, and I know the reading is intense so I get how one could be worried. But I can tell you, my two boys could not be happier and more loved and more well taken care of. Our house is very happy, despite all the sadness in it. Even with my buckets of tears. I’m not hiding my tears from my boys. This is how it is, this is how we all are feeling, and hiding it is only going to hurt us. We are open, honest, and allowed to feel whatever we want. This is my family. This is our life, grief, pain, and love. We are doing the best we can do.
I feel much better after getting that off my chest. Have a good night and thanks for your “advice.” But please, next time think about who you are writing to and who the eff are you to act like you know when you have no fucking clue. Piss off cowgirl.
I had to put this in tonight. I needed a laugh and Will Ferrell is the best at getting those from me.