I made a new friend and I know you are going to look after her.

1379195287981861

 

 

 

Ronan. Today is 28 months without you and it’s pouring down rain in AZ, naturally.  You always bring me the rain when I am the saddest. I was up on and off through the night.  Waiting for that 3:25 a.m. time when you left this world.  I felt like screaming and throwing fists everywhere until I looked over at your Poppy sister who was sound asleep beside me.  No screaming and crying fits allowed when a peaceful baby is sleeping beside you.  I sent an email to Sparkly instead and screamed and cried to him.  FUC.  I hate cancer.

Dr. Sholler is in town. I took her hiking up Camelback last night. Holy hell it was hard as I have not hiked Camelback since I was about 8 weeks pregnant with your sister. It felt good though and we ended up totally making it a danger day since it was dark as we were coming down. That Dr. Sholler is such a badass that she was fine with it.  We talked a lot about life, loss, this cancer world and how wrong it is.  I like spending time with her as not only a doctor, but on a personal level as well.  I’ve never met a doctor like her who just as passionate about her research, as she is the kids she is treating. She never forgets the faces behind this disease which is a big reason why I love her so much. She won’t ever forget your face and she never even got to treat you.  One of my biggest regrets in all of this is that, but as I am learning, regrets in life will get you nowhere.  It’s about moving forward and making the changes you can with the cards you are dealt. Even if it is the shittiest deck.

Our weekend was spent hanging around at home. Brianna and her girlfriend, Taylor who both just moved here to go to ASU, came over and stayed the night on Friday. Things like this that make me so happy, yet make me so sad, too. Your Brianna Boo, who loved you so much has finally moved here and we get to do such fun family things together, all while you are not here. I spent all Friday night and Saturday morning doing her laundry, your Daddy and I cooked her homemade meals, everyone went to your brothers basketball game, and I took the girls for mani/pedis, too. All while you are not anywhere to be found and I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this reality, our reality which I know is also the reality for so many others out there who are dealing with the loss of a child. It’s a reality that you never get to escape from or take a break from. It’s a reality that is a lot to carry around and the load never gets any lighter. But hey, thank you White House for saying NO to our little petition and thank you Empire State Building for also DENYING our application to light it up GOLD one day in September. So nice to know you will turn The Empire State Building Orange in honor of Nickelodeon on September 16th though. BARF.

Are you freaking kidding me?! This is an outrage and beyond insulting. Does anybody have any pull with the Empire State Building? Maybe if we all send in 5000 applications, they will listen. Here is the form if you so kindly, want to fill it out.

http://www.esbnyc.com/documents/ESB_LP_Questionnaire_FINAL.pdf

Today, I did my Skype interview for Emotional Mojo. I think it went well. I had a lot of fun doing it and one of the producers I’m working with, is awesome. I sent her a little email this morning, just to cover my bases. It went a little something like, “Hey CeCe! Can I cuss on air?” She replied back with something funny like “Noooooo! We are LIVE! If you cuss, you will be thrown into a black abyss and your message will not get out!” She told me to tape a sign to my computer that reminded me so cussing allowed so that is precisely what I did. Worked like a charm as no F bombs were dropped. They are going to check in with me every couple of weeks to see what it is that we are up to. I’m totally excited for this new little awareness outlet. I even rocked my red lipstick on air because we all know shit gets done when it’s a red lipstick kind of day. I’ll post a link when it goes up so you all can check it out. I hope I made you proud today, Ronan. I hope I make you proud everyday as making you proud is what I live to do.

It’s still pouring down here.  After a very productive pow wow lunch with your Poppy sister in tow, I’ve decided throughout this journey, adventure, or whatever you might call it, I am still learning some very hard lessons.  Lessons that are hard, lessons that are sad, lessons about how I need to be a little more protective of myself.  Lessons about how people at the end of the day, do not have my best interest at heart. I feel let down, but I realize I have to take the higher road with some things and just let them go. I have too much darkness in my life already, and I do not need to be dragged down more. As I was told today, “If people are taking away from this cause, and taking away from what you are doing, because of your DEAD child, those people do not need to be in your life. They have forgotten the true meaning behind this and are taking advantage of your situation. You have to just let all of this go, because at the end of the day, we are here because of your dead son and anybody that takes away from that, is not worthy of being a part of this story.” Wise words from a wise lovie whom I should have listened to a long time ago. I have enough weight to carry around with me and at the end of the day I have no more energy left to take on others issues.

It’s days like today that I am just so fucking over the petty once again, BULLSHIT. Your Sparkly called me a few months ago and left me a voicemail telling me about a little girl he had just met and said something like, “You are a hero, you helped to save her life.” I listened to him go on about how a little girl came into the hospital and as he was treating her, this little girl’s mother, got to talking to him. She mentioned my name and told your Sparkly thanks to me, her daughter may end up being o.k. Nela’s mom started reading my blog about two years ago. Nela’s story started off much like ours. It all started with an “off looking eye,” where the doctors told Nela’s mom it was just allergies and she was over reacting. Nela’s mom said thanks to us and our story, she pushed and trusted her mother’s intuition and insisted on an MRI. The MRI showed a mass behind Nela’s eye and it turned out, Nela did not just have allergies. She has been diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but luckily, it has been caught early, at Stage 1. Nela’s mom and I have been cooresponding via email messages and just lately, through text messages. I’ve been trying to set aside some time to meet up with her and to meet Nela, but things around here have been beyond slammed. I was coming out of my friend Katie’s kids store the other day and loading Poppy into the car when I saw a mom from across the street, carrying a little girl and she didn’t have much hair. I, of course did a double take as I always do in these situations now. She looked at me and said, “Are you Maya?” I said that I was and she introduced herself and Nela to me. I was a little caught off guard, but in a happy way. I’ve been really wanting to meet this family for a while now. We chatted for a few minutes and I ended up saying, “What are you two up to now? Do you want to come over?” It was so spur of the moment but she had actually been trying to meet up with me on that day, anyway, so it worked out perfectly.

Our new friends came over for about 45 minutes. I watched as Nela ran all about our house. The little thing had so much energy and seemed so happy. I listened to her mom tell me their story as I held on to your Poppy sister. She kept telling me thank you over and over again, even though she said she knows how I don’t like to be told, thanks. I smiled and told her I was happy I could help and if they needed anything, to please let me know. I only teared up after I watched Nela’s mom plop a big, fat kiss on the top of her sweet baby girl’s head. It was at that moment, that my heart sunk a little bit. Moments like that are always bittersweet for me. I am so happy Nela is here and is going to be fine, but gosh, how I miss kissing that sweet little head of yours. And then my mind goes to where you are now, all ashes in an urn. No more bald head to kiss, no more blue eyes to look into, no more hands to hold because they are burnt to a crisp. Is that too morbid? It’s my reality, try living with that every single day. It’s a wonder I am still here.

After our friends left, it was breakdown city. I held your Poppy sister and cried and cried and cried. Your Sparkly ended up calling and I told him, as I was bawling, that I was having a sad day. “I’m sorry,” he said. I miss him, too. C’mon, you have survived sadder days, you are going to be o.k.” I told him I knew as I tried to pull myself together. It didn’t work. I let myself cry a lot for you the next couple of days. All while I continue to fight on and go non-stop because cancer doesn’t sleep so why should I?

Ronan. As you can see, I started this days ago. I am exhausted tonight and I finally had a great run with my friend, Katie, tonight to get some of this angry energy out. I am finally starting to feel like I can get back into a good running routine and I have missed it so much. Tomorrow, we shall inferno hike. Tonight, we sleep.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

Nela, you give me hope.
Nela, you give me hope.

Baseball, Brisket and Marriage Equality for all!

150494_471289292943553_358117064_n

Ronan. I think time is standing still. At least that’s how it feels to me. Maybe it’s because I’m having to take things easy now that your Poppy sister is almost here. Maybe it’s grief. Or a combination of both. I remember things feeling this way right after you passed away for the first 6 months or so. It feels like this once again. I wake up, do the things I need to do, but life feels really empty right now. Nothing feels good. I’m exhausted. I can hardly make it through the day and normal things like keeping up on the laundry, dishes, and feeding your sweet brothers, feels really, really hard. I’m sure this mostly has to do with my pregnancy coming to an end but still, it’s mentally wearing me down. Then there is still the issue with your bedroom. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. I can’t believe it really happened and all of your things are out of there, being cleaned, refinished, your clothes are in bins, your stuffed animals in bags. I still am in shock over it all. I never thought I would let that day happen. Your daddy asked what I wanted to do with the clothes in your closet. I made him leave them there. I still like to touch them and smell them, even though they smell nothing like your sweet little scent. I still take whiffs of them whenever I can, hoping to be reminded of a sweet memory of when they were last worn by you.

I saw Dr. Schwartz today. Everything is progressing well, but I seriously feel like this pregnancy is never going to come to an end. I have it in my head that Poppy is just going to stay inside of me forever as I sometimes still do not think she is real. I honestly don’t think I will fully be able to truly absorb what is happening until I have her in my arms. We talked about everything from Cord Blood Banking, postpartum depression to the whooping-cough vaccine she made your daddy get today. She told us that she doesn’t want anybody around Poppy who has not had the T-dap vaccine as she has been seeing babies die from being exposed. Great. Add that to my list of things to worry about. Liam and Quinn had it with their regular immunizations so they are fine. I had to call your Nana to tell her she needed to get hers before she comes out here. Dr. Schwartz is just being extra careful which is good, but it still makes me nervous. Then there is the whole postpartum depression thing. We sat and had a conversation for a good 20 minutes about this. I told her I honestly wasn’t worried about it. I’ve never had it with my other kids and if I am depressed at all, it’s during this pregnancy -the here and now as being pregnant is keeping me from being able to do everything that helps me not to be depressed/consumed by my grief (which is not depression it’s just grief!) Mainly my exercising. Once your Poppy sister is here, I will be able to start to have my outlets again and they won’t consist of me resting in bed, which I fucking HATE, but instead will consist of going out and doing my hikes/runs/anything to get the adrenaline flowing. She talked about anti depressants. I told her how that’s not happening as I had taken them before and I swear they made me suicidal. How they just seemed to pile on more grief because I wasn’t dealing with anything and I was just numb. I agreed to let your daddy watch out for me though but still, I think I know myself pretty well. We’ll see if I’m eating my words in a few weeks and if so, I’ll deal with it my way. I sent Dr. Jo a text about this later today. We had a very long conversation which left me laughing at the way she got so riled up over the mention of medication/and postpartum depression vs just plain grief. I love her passion so much.We talked about our plan because we do have one. It’s the same one we’ve always followed. When things get more heavy for me, I see Dr. Jo on a more frequent basis and I’m always honest with her about everything I am feeling. We work through it the way it works for me. No fucking meds required. We talked about my sadness though all of this and how I will face it head on. She knows that Poppy is not just going to appear and BAM! all my sadness will be gone. She expects me to feel waves of happiness and waves of sadness with all of this. That’s just the way my life is always now. Poppy won’t fix it all. As Dr. Jo said, “You are not having Poppy to replace Ronan. You are having Poppy because you wanted another baby. But you need to be prepared for the people that are going to come out and act like this she is the answer to all of your sadness. People want her to fix everything and to take this all away from you but that’s not the reality of this. You need to let people know that the birth of this baby girl, does not diminish your pain or your grief. That she does not take Ronan’s place in your family. Ronan’s place is Ronan’s place and he will always be there.” That is our reality. That will always be our reality and nothing will change that. Not even your beautiful baby sister. I know she is going to help with our sadness, Ronan. But our sadness won’t disappear and I am o.k. with that. I am learning every day to just live with it.

Your daddy has been the one working in your room. I can’t bring myself to do a thing. Thank you for him. I honestly don’t know what I would do without that amazing daddy of yours. I always knew I was so lucky to have him, but going through something like this really makes me realize it that much more. He truly is unlike any other man on this planet. He has taken such good care of all of us in every way since losing you. I know it’s a big reason our family seems to be doing o.k. To have such a strong loving man to hold us all up, makes all the difference in the world. I can’t imagine where our family would be without your daddy. Every single night he talks to you out loud before he goes to bed. It mostly breaks my heart to listen to his words and I often times pretend like I am sleeping because what he says, usually makes me cry. Sometimes I don’t want to listen to what he is saying, because him telling you good night and how much he misses you, leaves me with a pit in my stomach that I will never get used to. I always appreciate this though even though it is so hard for me to hear. He went to a concert tonight. He’s been going to a lot of these things lately. I always encourage it. I will always be the wife that says, “Please, go. Have fun.” I will never be the wife that bitches or complains that he does these things. He deserves the break. He deserves to blow off some steam. He works so hard and takes such good care of us that I am always supportive of your daddy going out and having some fun. It makes me happy to see him doing these things. He is so ridiculously excited for your sister to be here. I cannot wait to see what it’s like for him to have a baby girl. I know it is just going to melt my heart. What a lucky little girl to have a daddy like him. It will be such a beautiful thing for our family.

I made your brothers dinner tonight. I cooked a really great brisket for Passover and talked to your brothers all about this holiday and what it means. It’s is important to me that they know about all religions, not just one or none. I want to teach them about EVERYTHING. I want them to have an open mind and be educated about it all. It was a fun little bonding time tonight where we talked about everything from sports to religion to marriage equality for all. Yes. I talk to my twins about this. I am proud to say that I do as I cannot believe this is even an issue in this day and age. Don’t we have bigger fish to fry? Why in the world do I care if my neighbor Bob marries Joe down the street? I don’t. People should be allowed to love who they love, end of story. My boys will grow up knowing this. It’s not our job to judge others or tell others what is right or wrong. It’s not hurting my family, affecting my marriage so GEEZ! Can we please just stop all this madness?! KIDS ARE DYING PEOPLE! Left and right kids are dying from a little thing called cancer yet nobody seems up in arms over this. That to me is pure insanity. People need to get a life and focus on what is really important in the world and it is not over who your neighbor, loves and wants to marry. The ignorance around this is shameful and embarrassing and enough is enough. I have 2 things I am really passionate about in life. 1) Childhood Cancer and 2) Equal rights for all. I won’t ever shut up or shy away from those two things. I was lucky enough in life to have parents who taught me to have an open mind at such an early age and who welcomed a very gay, black man into our world who we loved like our family and whom I was taught was no different from us. I will forever be grateful for my parents for this lesson in life. I will forever be grateful for my parents who let a little girl love a man for who he was, not who society defined him as being. I am a better person for this and my twins will be, too. I would have given ANYTHING for Ronan to grow up and be gay. Or straight. Who cares. At least he would have freaking had the chance to grow up and not die from cancer! Seriously. Where are our priorities?

Alright little man. I’m going to get off my soap box for tonight. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. It won’t be much longer now. I love you.

xoxo

599816_10151316010422414_1374400381_n

I meant to get a manicure, but I wound up in the hospital instead.

tumblr_m9i6yn6qKe1qkvjujo1_500Ronan. The past few days, have been really, really bad. Not only for me mentally, but physically as well. I think I’ve been overdoing some things. I think I’m in a really bad grieving period and I’m not sure quite what to do. I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with the holidays coming up. All I want for Christmas is you and I can’t come to peace with that I don’t get to have you here with us. I am notorious for throwing up since losing you. It has been happening off and on since you left this earth. I had really bad morning sickness with Poppy that I thought I had gotten through, but it might not be the morning sickness that is making me still so very sick. I started throwing up on Monday night and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for days. I know what the flu feels like, and this is not the flu. I think it’s just grief/exhaustion/ pregnancy. My insomnia is making me a mad woman as well. The combo of throwing up and not sleeping caught up with me and Dr. Schwartz made me check myself into the hospital where I was pumped full of IV fluids, monitored, and then they gave me a shot in the ass that hurt like a mother fucker. I was dehydrated. With a severe case of I really, really, really just miss you. I am home now but I wish I wasn’t. I’m going crazy in our house, not having you here. All of my pain seems to so sharp again, just when I thought it was becoming a little duller. It’s not. Everything hurts to the core, worse than normal.

I made it through much of the week, trying to be as productive as possible. Nobody really knew anything was wrong except your daddy because he has watched me become the spawn of the devil. Throwing up, up and down all night long, crying all through the night, pulling away because it’s what I do best when I am in so much pain. I can still put on a good game face when I have to though. Like when I went to an event on Tuesday at PCH. One where the room was full of some of my favorite people that treated you. I was feeling miserable, but I know when to turn on my acting skills. I saw one of my favorite doctors there, Dr. Adams. I haven’t seen her since before you passed away. I went up to her. I don’t know if she recognized me right away. I touched her arm. “Dr. Adams. It’s Maya, Ronan’s mom.” I watched her eyes well up with tears. She grabbed me and just held on to me for a minute. “Oh my gosh, dear. How are you? I told her I was o.k. I told her about your Poppy sister. She said she was so glad to see me. The press conference started on so we had to be quiet. I stood next to her for it. She had to sneak out in the middle of it but before she left she grabbed on to me once again, embraced me in her arms and whispered in my ear. “This baby girl is not going to replace Ronan. Nothing ever will. Ever. Not even close. I know you know that. But I think she will help your broken heart just a bit. Please take care of yourself. It was so nice to see you.” I told her thank you and somehow managed not to become a puddle on the floor. That woman will always have a special place in my heart. I know she is so sad that you didn’t get better. So many people are. I was thankful for her kind words. It takes a special kind of person to really say what is in their heart. I think it is much easier for people just to say things like, “Congratulations!” about the new baby, and harder for them to really truly understand that this is not going to fix everything. That behind this baby, is still a lot of sadness and pain. I know this baby is an absolute gift. But I also know it is not the answer for the big gaping hole that is in my heart. She will never replace you. She will be a part of you. I will find some comfort in that.

It wasn’t until yesterday, that I really knew I was in breakdown mode. I know the not sleeping thing, is making everything worse. All I could do yesterday was cry and throw up. Cry and throw up. I cried at the post office. I cried picking up your brothers jerseys for their YMCA basketball game. I cried when that Coldplay song, “Fix You,” came on the radio. I walked around numbly for most of the day. I went into some stupid pretty store, full of stupid pretty things. I was waiting for the store to make me feel happy and fulfilled like I’m sure it would have, in my previous life, right? Because I’m sure I was the asshole back then, who thought shit like that mattered in life. I walked through this store, which looked like a NYC home store boutique on crack. Pretty stupid expensive Christmas stuff everywhere. I just wanted to be the normal girl who went “Ohhhh and Ahhhh!” over everything. Instead, all I wanted to do was throw every breakable, delicate item on the ground and scream, “What is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! This bullshit is not what matters in life! Don’t you know that Ronan died and Teddy is dying and all these kids need our help?!!!!” I left the store and drove aimlessly around crying so hard, I don’t know how I didn’t get into an accident. I ended up in a parking lot, and called Dr. Jo. We had a good little phone conversation and I ended up calming down. I was supposed to see her today, but then I ended up in the hospital. I am home now. I wish I wasn’t. I liked being in the hospital listening to all the beeps and sounds that I used to listen to, with you. I know that sounds crazy, but to me it was comforting.

Your daddy came home tonight to tell me that our dentist had died. The non-smoker dentist who developed lung cancer out of the blue. Our young dad of a dentist that I used to take you to. How is that fucking possible? You are healthy. He takes care of your beautiful teeth. You get cancer. We stop going to him. He gets cancer. He is treated for it. You die. He dies. And you were both so fucking innocent. He didn’t smoke. You didn’t do a thing wrong in your life but you were both dealt the hand of a fucking death sentence. I hope the fuckwad that came up with the saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” reads this. Then they can go and fuck off. Everything DOES NOT happen for a reason. There was no reason for your death or his. Now his wife is left here and his kids have to grow up without a dad. There is no reason at all for the endless pain and suffering on this planet, especially when it has to do with such innocent souls. Everything happens for a reason is another one of the stupidest sayings in life. Add it to my list of things only idiots say.

Our Teddy friend is not doing so well. That might be another reason I am so upset this week. This is killing my soul. I had the best day with him this summer, kissing the top of his little bald head and holding his hand as we crossed the street. The way he laughed and played with your brothers, reminded me so much of you. He has an 8-year-old brother who is not understanding any of this. I feel like I am reading our story, all over again. I need you to take care of him, Ronan. All his mama wants is for him to go peacefully now. Please don’t let him suffer. Please let him fall asleep, the way you did. Please everyone, keep Teddy boy in your thoughts, prayers or whatever else  you do. If you want to follow his story, you can do so here. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teddybergergreer/journal

I’m so sorry. I don’t have much more to say tonight. I’m just so very sad for this family and this little boy. I’m going to go now my little spicy monkey. I need to try to get some rest so I don’t wind up back in the hospital. Your daddy is bringing me a smoothie home. I hope I can keep that down. So far, this anti nausea medicine seems to be helping. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. My ass, really, really hurts. Like really. That nurse stuck me today like I’ve never been stuck before! I think I even yelped.

A Poppy Shower? O.k. Only if tradition does not exist.

 

Ronan. I survived your 18 months. It rained. Of course it did. It was a hard day with a lot of tears but I didn’t die. If pain alone could kill me, I would have died about a million times by now. I’ve been busy but not in my normal way of running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. I’ve been doing a lot of things around our house, which you know kills me. I’ve been spending a lot of time with your brothers and daddy. We have gone out to eat a couple of times, as a family. “Table for 4 please,” never becomes easier to say. I always have to say it fighting back tears. I told Rita yesterday that being pregnant makes me suicidal. I was kind of joking but kind of not. I feel really alone and isolated with this pregnancy. Like I am the only mother in the world who has lost a child and is now carrying another life inside of her. I know there are other mothers out there, who have gone through this as well. But they are not really in my inner circle, unless you count Dr. Jo. So for the most part, I am alone in this. Nobody else that I am in contact with, knows what this could possibly feel like. Instead this pregnancy is filled with a lot of happiness from the outside world. As if this will fix everything. It doesn’t. It will not. I know this baby will bring a lot of smiles, but my smiles will always come with tears; for the rest of my life. The pain behind my eyes, will never go away.

I have been trying to plan our second annual Macegiving. You know since last year I banned Thanksgiving at our house. We made our own day and it revolved around your Auntie Macy and doing whatever the hell we wanted. No formal Thanksgiving Day existed. Macy will fly in, just as she did last year to save us from this wretched holiday. Maybe this year, I feel as if I have more to be thankful for, but I still think it is bullshit that I have to sit around a table, without you. Last year, I wore my “Fuck Cancer,” shirt. I shot a bb gun. We ate Chinese Food, let off fireworks and beat the shit out of a piñata. This year will be more of the same but I will cook some pies. I love cooking pies and miss it so much. We will have friends come and go through out the day. Nothing formal or stuffy. No fancy clothes or fake smiles required. No prayers or sitting around a table together saying what it is, we are thankful for. Our day will be tough, as all holidays are, but thankfully we have some great friends to help us get through it. The best fucking friends on the planet.

Poppy is growing like crazy. So is my stomach. Never in my life have I eaten healthier, not because I want to, but because she requires it. I’m a healthy eater anyway, but Little Miss Poppy, has taken it to a whole new level. No meat, not much candy, no fast food, nothing greasy or processed. I’ve been living off of humus, fruit, veggies, some cheese here and there. The other day, I went to a restaurant with Stacy and Fernanda. Fernanda ordered a burger, Stacy the French Dip. “I’ll have the veggie platter, please.” They both looked at me like I was crazy. “WTF? I know! This Poppy only wants really healthy shit!” With all of you boys, I totally remember eating burgers, ice cream, etc… Stuff that you are supposed to enjoy when you are pregnant. Maybe it’s because she is a girl, that I want none of that stuff. I find it funny. I wonder if the second she is born, that I’ll be dying for my meat and candy galore again. Right now, sign me up for the beets, cauliflower, humus, apples, and whatever healthy stuff I can get my hands on. I even went to the movies a couple of weeks ago with Rita and pulled out cauliflower from my purse. It didn’t even seem weird to me until she pointed out that it was totally weird. Your little sister is quirky already and I kind of love it;) She is already taking after me.

Last week I got the news that the trial we funded with Solving Kids’ Cancer for Dr. Mosse at CHOP is a go. We sent our check in and I could not be more proud. Proud of you. Proud of us. Proud of all the people out there, sending us there hard-earned money. A dollar here, a dollar there…. It all adds up. I am so proud to be partnering up with another AMAZING childhood cancer foundation. Believe me, I have researched them ALL. Solving Kids’ Cancer is the best of the best. I cannot wait to collaborate with them for the many more things that we have in the works. Together, we are going to change this game, big time. I kept my word to Dr. Mosse. I said from the very beginning the first thing we funded, would be with her. Although she never treated you, Ronan, she navigated us down this road and at the end of the day was the only person to look me in the eyes and say, “I am so sorry. We as a medical community, have failed you.” Those words, one of the worst things I have ever had to hear, came across not in a sharp and hurtful way, but full of compassion and true sadness. Her eyes were full of the dignity and grace that you deserved and that we as parents, so needed. I believe in the work she is doing. I believe in her as not only a doctor, but a human being. I know what she is doing, will make a difference. I am so happy to support her in any way that we can. Thank you all so much, for making this happen. This would not have happened, without you.

Tonight I went to Chelsea’s Kitchen for a little pow wow of a dinner. I met up with some of our lovies for an impromptu meeting about some things we have in the works. We talked about some foundation things but also some personal things. I have some of my closest girlfriends who want to throw me a baby shower. I’ve been fighting them on it but I know I am not going to win. We sat tonight and talked about how they know the “traditional,” baby shower, won’t fly for me. “Please, I don’t want to sit around, drink punch and open gifts. Please, I don’t want to play the jelly bean game where you guess how many of them are in a baby bottle. Please, I don’t want to have everyone guess how big my belly is with a string. I will throw up and run out of the room if any of that takes place.” Please I just want my Ronan back, too. Can’t I have Ronan and Poppy both? I cannot. At the end of the night the girls came up with some ideas for this very non traditional baby shower which I will know nothing about as I am just showing up. All of their ideas made me laugh and seems very Maya like which means it goes against the norm of everything baby shower required. My anxiety is a lot less now. I am so thankful for the friends I have, who understand that a traditional shower would only send me screaming out of the room, crying. I am thankful for the friends who embrace the me for being me and love me so much. I am thankful that they are still here and were brave enough to never go away, even when I know I was not capable of being a friend to anyone. I am thankful for them loving me and never judging. Because they understand that nobody has the right to judge a grieving mother. It’s because of their gifts that I will forever spend the rest of my life, giving them what I have left. Which at times, may only be a little or it may be a lot. Either way, they do not care. They love me enough to stand by my side to know that when I am ready, I will come back. I feel like I have in a lot of ways. I am so glad they waited for me. I am so glad they never gave up, even after you left Ronan. They are still here and still fighting. That is also because they love you, so very much. I know there was a time in my life when I thought I didn’t need anybody. All I wanted to do, was push everyone away. The friends that are still here are the one’s who never stopped fighting for you, for me, for us, for our family. I will forever be so thankful for them. I now know that I very much needed them all so badly. I would be so sad, if they had gone away which they easily could have done but chose not to do. Thank you to all of you, who are still here. I love you so very much.

Alright little man. I am beat. Poppy is still making me pretty tired. I am dreaming so vividly but still not seeing you which I don’t understand. I talk about you, watch everyone else talk about you, your death seems to be in my dreams all of the time, but never your little face. I would give anything to see it. I think about you all of the time. You would think this would mean I get to see you in my dreams too. I don’t. I hardly ever do. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

 

Thanks for all the Dr. JoRo Love!!!

 

Here’s how you can help her. See below. Thanks lovies. You all are the best. Thank you from the both of us!

Dear Joanne Cacciatore,

I read your post earlier this morning on bereavement. Brent Robbins, who is on my committee, sent it to me. It is wonderful. So touching and so human… I’m so glad our paths have crossed.

Thanks for your article and for referencing our effort.
Our petition websitehttp://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dsm5/ has now collected more than 12,000 signatures, plus more than 40 “mental health” organizations have endorsed it, including the
British Psychological Society (nearly 50K members) and 14 Divisions of the American Psychological Association. The DSM-5 Reform effort will be the cornerstone of the Division 32,
Society for Humanistic Psychology, program at the annual APA conference in Orlando, Florida, this coming August. We have three program events focused on these concerns.

I don’t know whether we will have any influence in bringing about substantive changes or not — but we are doing our best. If you care to give out our petition website link and encourage professionals to read our “open letter” and sign the petition if they agree with it, we would be soooo appreciated. The hot link is:http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dsm5/

Response from Dr. David Elkins

http://www.newexistentialists.com/author/david-elkins

An Open Letter to an Asshole

Dear Asshole Reader,

I guess I’m going to have to get used to people like you. Because the world is full of them. Stupid know-it-alls, who judge and give advice just to hear themselves speak. People who think they have the right to spew out their words because they think they know how a mother who has just lost her son, should be feeling. All I have to say is, Wow. And you can fuck off. You have a lot of nerve, to write your words and with all that you had to say, I am assuming you have devoted your life to studying parents whom have lost a child? You seem so knowledgable on the subject. Or clearly, you are a Psychologist yourself?? Hats off to you, if you are either of those things, because you totally seem to have it all figured out. As if there IS a specific formula to follow after one loses a child. You should really write a book on the subject and pass it out to grieving parents everywhere.

You said to me that I am clinically depressed. Do you know what the exact symptoms of that are? I do. I’ve been seeing my therapist and good doctor for about 10 months now. They are both very extremely intelligent and very good at what they do. In case you do not know the symptoms of being clinically depressed, I will tell them to you and we can go over them one by one. I feel like educating you tonight. I hope you don’t mind. We can make it into a fun little game, I’ll just put a (Y) for yes, in front of the symptoms I do agree with, and a (N) for a no, in front of the one’s I disagree with.

Common Symptoms
of Clinical Depression

There are different forms of clinical depression with different combinations of the following symptoms:

Physical:

  • Sleep disturbances-insomnia, oversleeping, waking much earlier than usual- (Y) Insomnia is a given.
  • Changes in appetite or eating: much more or much less-(Y)Turns out your kid getting cancer and dying from it is the perfect diet! YEAH!!! Gold Star for me!
  • Decreased energy, fatigue (N)Opposite.
  • Headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems or other physical symptoms that are not explained by other physical conditions or do not respond to treatment- (Y) Shaky hands- check. Throwing up because the thought of everything my child went through and not having him here anymore, makes me sick to my stomach-check.

Behavioral/Attitude:

  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, such as going out with friends, hobbies, sports, sex, etc. (Y) and (N) I won’t go into the “intimate” details but as you can imagine, sex is not really at the top of my priority list right now. But a (N) to the sports. If I was not active, I really do think I would bury myself in a hole in my backyard and never come out.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions. Wait….. What was the question again?? I can’t remember. Kidding! Of course I remember, silly!! (Y) I cannot concentrate on a thing or even remember the day of the week. I can still make a decision for the most part though. Like deciding to call you an asshole tonight. That may have not been a “good” decision, but hey, I made it all by myself! Gold star for me again!!
  • Neglecting responsibilities or personal appearance (N) I have a lot of responsibility in my life that I am taking care of. For example: today, I had nothing of importance to do and we needed new air filters for our home, so I went to Home Depot and bought them! All by myself. Granted, I ended up buying the wrong one’s (fuck there goes that “remembering” thing again!) And while buying them, I think I even looked halfway decent, so I’d give a (N) to neglecting my personal appearance. Shit. I didn’t blow-dry my hair today though but instead threw it back in a bun…. UGH…. I may now have to re think that personal appearance thing. I did shower though and I’m pretty sure I smelled good so I may be o.k.

Emotional:

  • Persistent sad or “empty” mood, lasting two or more weeks- Well fuck. It’s been 3 months and I’m still feeling really sad, and empty. I didn’t know I had to be over the death of my son in less than 2 weeks. That seems kind of harsh!
  • Crying “for no reason”- So much crying going on here. I have a million reasons to cry though so this cannot apply to me at all.
  • Feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty or worthless- Yup. Living in a hospital for 8 months and seeing all of the sick cancer kids, some without parents to even take care of them, and then having your own son die in your arms….. well that can leave one feeling pretty hopeless and helpless. I totally feel guilty about all of my sadness and I do feel worthless because I promised my son I would get him all better, and I didn’t.
  • Feeling irritable, agitated or anxious- Not really irritable… unless you are my husband… then you get the short end of the stick (Sorry Woo) Anxious? All the time. I constantly think my kids, myself, or husband are going to get cancer next. I have a lot of anxiety about that.
  • Thoughts of death or suicide (Y) But then I think of what that would do to Liam and Quinn and it comes down to that would just make me a selfish bitch. That’s just not me. I like to take care of people, and I have 2 amazing little guys to take care of. 3 if you count Wooddawg, which I do. 4 if you still count Ronan, which I do. He would never forgive me if I did something so stupid like that. And when Ronan gets mad, he gets MAD! I would not want to spend my afterlife with him and all of his anger for me because if I were to do something like that, he would never forgive me.
So, now that we have dissected that, I think you actually may be right! Or they need to change the diagnoses from “Clinical Depression,” to “Things you may feel or do after losing a child.” Hey, that could be your new calling in life! You could have them re write the handbook, since you know so much about each individual person and how they should be acting or feeling. Oh, but guess what else. You told me I need to get on an anti depressant asap. You said I could never be happy again, unless I get on some medication. Your exact words were ,”Please get some antidepressants and let the pain go. Rejoice that Ronan is no longer suffering. Rejoice that his spirit is free of his painful body and that one day your spirit will see his again.”
Well jeez! Good thing I have been on one for 8 months now! Zoloft, 100mg, to be exact. OMG. I suddenly feel SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must be working! O.K. asshole reader. You have no freaking idea what you are talking about. A pill is not going to make me happy. I have been questioning this Zoloft crap for a while because it seems to do nothing for me. I am convinced that no pill can take away this pain that I feel 24 hours a day, unless it is one that numbs you so much that you don’t feel a thing. I’m not doing that. I’m not going to stuff this away and not deal with it now, so it can come out 10 years down the road. Sorry. Not happening. I’m going to whine, cry, say it’s not fair, be bitter, sad, depressed, angry, and cuss up a fucking storm because that is how I am feeling. If you don’t agree, then stop reading and go away. I don’t want support from someone who is so judgmental and close minded. And another thing, you can take that rejoice thing and shove it up your ass. I will never rejoice that Ronan is gone. He was so happy and so healthy for being so sick. He lived his life as if he didn’t have cancer at all because for the most part he was just happy to be with me, no matter what. And with his brothers and daddy. He was more pissed about all the “rules,” he had to follow. My little rebel. He didn’t stop fighting until the very last day, when I told him he had to stop being so stubborn and just relax his body so he could come with me for the rest of my life. I told him I would keep him with me forever and that is what I plan on doing.
I could go on and on about some of the things you said lady….. I loved this part….”I sometimes think you love the following of your readers so much, that you are willing to stay in this pain forever just to keep them. You fear if you heal and get on with your life, that there will no longer be a reason for the blog, and the readers will go. Maybe that is what is best. You love the attention the blog gives you, so much you are willing to sacrifice all your family for it. That is truly sad and unhealthy. I hope you will get help and we won’t be disappointed if you are no longer sad or hurting.” LMFAO about that one. Yes, yes, this is all just a show, an act. I must wallow in my sadness so my lovely readers won’t leave me. Lady- Are you on crack?!?! You cannot possibly be serious. That is one of the craziest comments I’ve ever heard. I would not sacrifice my family for anything (well that could change tomorrow if they start to drive me crazy) The writing I do, is my quiet down time when everyone else is asleep or not home. I do my writing because I have so much shit spinning around in my head all day and it is the only thing that calms me down. If I don’t get it all out, I can’t sit still. I know it doesn’t have to be public knowledge, this pain of mine…. but I started it that way and I’m not going to half ass it or stop because things are getting too sad, too depressing, or they don’t seem to be getting any better. This is my reality of losing my beautiful baby boy and I’m not going to be silenced about it. I’m going to continue to write because one day, maybe I will help someone else with my honestly and craziness. Oh, I have the perfect example of my helping people tonight. It came in the form of an email. Perfect timing.

Maya – I just found out about you and Ronan this week, and you have changed my life. I don’t know if you had the chance to read the really LONG email I sent you this week, and I hope that none of offended you (my references to faith), but writing it actually made me feel a little better. My son died 7 years ago – yesterday was his birthday, and 8/16 will be the 7th anniversary of his death. I feel that I have had to suppress all of my grief, anger, etc., in order to be fair to his twin brother and younger sisters. Your story gave me the courage to start writing mine. Please understand, with regard to my faith, I felt exactly as you do right now. It has taken me a long, long time to find some peace. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to talk, scream, cry or whatever. I wish I would have had an outlet, and I commend you for finding yours. Thanks you for your inspiration, and bless you, your family and Ronan.

: http://3here1inheaven.wordpress.com

See that there, Asshole reader?? Proof that I have helped at least one person! Do I get another Gold Star?!?! I think so! I’m on a roll!!! The girl up there is just one example of why I keep writing. I get 10 emails like this a day. It’s an honor and I feel so privileged that my honesty and pain, can help other people. It is what it is. There is no unnecessary drama, fake sadness, bullshit extra anger… just to keep the readers coming back. It’s me. Just me, trying to get through the days, trying to find things that make me feel good again, but nothing is going to lessen the pain of missing Ronan. He can never be replaced and I will always have a void in my life. I hope to find glimmers of happiness here and there, someday. But it’s only been 3 months. If I am still having this problem, in 3 years, then we can talk. Maybe. Although I did just call you an asshole so you may never want to talk to me again, which is totally fine too.
Alright, Asshole Reader (whoops! you mentioned you were offended by those words) Sorry! They just fucking keep flying out! Bad Mommy. Gold Star taken away. But now I have to go. You have taken away from my writing to Ro time. So now you really are an asshole. Geez. You can’t win tonight. Fine Asshole Reader… I love you anyway because at least you speak what you think, even though I think you should maybe channel it to somewhere else…. like underground dog fighting. I just don’t think it was your place to say all of those things to me when you have no idea what it feels like to lose him. Ronan Sean Thompson. You cannot put me in a category and judge judge judge by what you read. You only read, and I know the reading is intense so I get how one could be worried. But I can tell you, my two boys could not be happier and more loved and more well taken care of. Our house is very happy, despite all the sadness in it. Even with my buckets of tears. I’m not hiding my tears from my boys. This is how it is, this is how we all are feeling, and hiding it is only going to hurt us. We are open, honest, and allowed to feel whatever we want. This is my family. This is our life, grief, pain, and love. We are doing the best we can do.
I feel much better after getting that off my chest. Have a good night and thanks for your “advice.” But please, next time think about who you are writing to and who the eff are you to act like you know when you have no fucking clue. Piss off cowgirl.
I had to put this in tonight. I needed a laugh and Will Ferrell is the best at getting those from me.

Just you and me

Ronan. Just another day without you. I wish I could tell you that I am o.k. But, I’m not. I’m just sad. I’m swimming in a sea of sadness and am barely staying afloat. This morning, I took your brothers to surf camp. I sat and watched them for the 3 hours and pushed them as they both complained about the ocean being too cold, etc….. I was the mean mommy that told them to suck it up. My tolerance for their complaining today was at an all time low. At one point, Quinn came in and didn’t want to go back into the ocean. He wanted to stop surfing for the day. I brought up you and how hard you fought for every second of your life. I talked to him about life and how important it is to not give up and to keep fighting. I told him how you would give anything to be living still and if you were having a hard time at something, that you would have never have given up. But life is not fair and now you don’t get to run around, never taking no for an answer, all while pushing every limit, every boundary that came your way. You were just born different from most people, Ronan. Your daddy and I say it all the time. You had a fire and such strength in your soul. That’s  why we were so convinced that you would beat your stupid fucking cancer. I’ve never met a boy stronger than you and I still can’t believe that everything ended so quickly.

After my “get your ass back into the water,” pep talk….. but in a much nicer way, Quinn finished up his class. I don’t know if I’m pushing too hard, but that’s just the way it goes. Your brothers need to learn a little something about fighting to become the best people they can be. To appreciate everything that they are able to do. To never take a second of life for granted. I have no tolerance for whining and complaining anymore. I know what it’s like to watch a little boy go through treatments for cancer and how you never once complained about anything. Except for missing your brothers and just wanting to be home. Complaining about things in our life now just won’t exist anymore, unless it has to do with missing you. That’s the only thing any of us should every complain about. Anything else can be fixed, problem solved, or worked through.

After the boys’ surf lesson, we hit up the hot tub and than came up for lunch. Liam crashed out for a nap, Quinn rested as well and I took my surfboard and headed out for a couple of hours. It was cold, but I welcomed the angry ocean with open arms today. It felt good to be out there and I got tossed around a bit. Coronado is a great place to learn how to surf and the quiet time out in the ocean, when I paddled past the waves to think about you, was nice. After I surfed, I came back up to the condo and hung out with your daddy and brothers. Later in the evening, we went out to our usual spot so your daddy could cook up our dinner. There were a bunch of dolphins out in the water this evening. We spotted about 5 or 6. They were so beautiful and I of  course thought of you. I was than overcome with anger and thought to myself that it was bullshit that a sign from you, had to come in the form of a dolphin. I don’t want any signs…. I just want you. Back with us, the way things should be. I tried to be happy about seeing those dolphins tonight, but it only made me sad and miss you more. You did leave me a lot of signs today, which I am thankful for. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, Ro. I love all your little signs, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. Sometimes it hurts more.

After dinner, we came back up to the condo and although it was late…. 9:30, I headed out for my run. (sorry Mr. Sparky Eyes) I promised him I wouldn’t run late at night anymore, due to an encounter I had with some creepy man a few nights ago; but I had to go tonight. It’s the restlessness in me that never goes away. I ran 7 miles…. all the way over to the Coronado Bridge and back. It felt good, it hurt, and I of course thought about you a lot. Sometimes, when I am thinking about you, it hurts so bad that I cannot even cry. I was thinking about being at The Ryan House with you and I felt like I was going to stop breathing as I still can’t come to the realization that you are gone. I think I have Post-traumatic stress disorder. For real.

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you’ve seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.

PTSD can occur at any age and can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as war, a prison stay, assault, domestic abuse, or rape. The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, in the United States may have caused PTSD in some people who were involved, in people who saw the disaster, and in people who lost relatives and friends. These kinds of events can produce stress in anyone, but not everyone develops PTSD.

The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.

Having good social support helps to protect against PTSD. In studies of Vietnam veterans, those with strong support systems were less likely to get PTSD than those without social support.

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. Repeated “reliving” of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

  • Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
  • Recurrent distressing memories of the event
  • Repeated dreams of the event
  • Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance

  • Emotional “numbing,” or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
  • Feelings of detachment
  • Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
  • Lack of interest in normal activities
  • Less expression of moods
  • Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
  • Sense of having no future

3. Arousal

  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Exaggerated response to things that startle you
  • Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
  • Irritability or outbursts of anger
  • Sleeping difficulties

You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including “survivor guilt”), and the following symptoms, which are typical ofanxiety, stress, and tension:

  • Agitation, or excitability
  • Dizziness
  • Fainting
  • Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
  • Fever
  • Headache
  • PalenessYup. That pretty much sums me up. Except for the paleness, but that is only due to the sunny Cali weather:)

I thought about the lecture I was going to get from Mr. Sparkly Eyes about running so late at night and thought about how I would tell him that I was sorry; but fear is a word that doesn’t exist in my vocabulary anymore. I have already lived through the thing I was most scared of in my life. So now what? What else do I have to fear? Nothing. Of course, I worry about your brothers and Daddy, but when it comes to me… I just don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to live my life being scared of anything anymore because I know whatever else is thrown my way, will be nothing compared to losing you. So , I will run my runs when I want, say the things I feel, swim in the ocean at night, and not be scared. It’s actually very freeing and liberating. To live a life of not being scared of things is how all people should live, otherwise what’s the point? Before all of this, I don’t know if I would have ever taken up surfing, because I was scared of sharks. And forget about running the dark. I used to make up things in my head to be scared of. Well, I’m done with that. At 33 years old, after losing you, I’m done with fear. I’m going to live my life the way you would have lived yours. Head on, embracing every adventure and pushing the limits for the most beautiful outcomes. I will live my life this way for you, because I know as an adult, this is the way you would have grown up to be. Life would have been scared of you.

I came home to your daddy and brothers watching a movie and soon Quinn was ready for bed. We came into our room and as soon as we turned on the T.V. guess what was on, Ro. “Zombieland.” One of our very favorite movies that we used to watch all the time. That’s where you got the saying, “Just you and me,” from. Another one of your little signs. That was one of our favorite things to do in the hospital was watch that movie on your iPad. Quinn watched it for the first time tonight and laughed a lot. It’s a little mature for him, but he has had so much of his innocence taken away that I let him watch it anyway. We cuddled up and watched it together. I held him extra tight for you.

We say goodnight to you every night. Do you hear us?? I hope you do. I’m going to say goodnight now baby. We have an early camp tomorrow again, hoping those brothers will pick up a little more passion and zest for the opportunities that they are given. I just want them to be thankful for being on this earth everyday, with 2 parents who are so broken, but are somehow managing to make this summer as good as it can possibly be. It’s a lot of work, but as a family, we have to do this. For all of us. I know it is what you would want.

I love you little man. I love you to the moon and back. As I was running tonight, I stopped and blew a kiss up to the moon and said, “I love you, Ronan.” I hope you heard me. Life is so precious and I know it doesn’t’ seem like it now, but I am not going to let it swallow me whole. I promise I will start living it again when I am ready. But ready is not now, and I don’t know when it will ever be. I need more time to pass between your death. I still cry all the time, but mostly over being with you that final night and saying goodbye to you. I still tell myself it just can’t be true. You were true and all I wanted was you. Forever. What am I supposed to do without you my little bug?? As of now, I don’t want to do anything except survive and not totally fuck up your brothers with the crazy shit that goes though my head. All I can do is be present for them and do the little things for them that I know mean so much. I will deal with them first, and myself later. I can wait. The damage done to them cannot be undone, which is why when we get back to AZ, therapy will become a big part of our lives. I have to be proactive about this and it is something we are going to have to do as a family, together.

I also forgot to tell you a funny story from last night. I took Quinn to dinner, on a date. We had finished up and we were walking out of the restaurant and there was a family of 5 sitting on the bench and standing up, smoking. I was holding on to Quinn’s had and I looked at them, straight in the eyes, and said, “Smoking causes cancer,” and kept walking. I thought Quinn was going to fall over. It’s like I have no censor anymore and he wanted to know if we were going to get into trouble for saying that. I said for what, “For speaking the truth? Ronan got cancer because he didn’t have a choice.” The fact that people in this day and age, take it upon themselves to smoke, knowing what the risks are, pisses me off. I’m sensitive to this, especially now. I wanted to say, “You should get cancer, not my 4-year-old child who didn’t do a thing wrong in this world.” You make the choice to suck on those freaking cancer sticks, then suffer the consequences. My child had to suffer for not a god damn reason at all except for bad luck. If anyone deserved to live, it was you baby. I will never stop thinking that. This whole things turned out so unbelievably wrong. For everyone involved. Everyone misses you Ronan. Even though you are gone, you are still changing lives. I promise you, a cure for this will be found before I die. I know I made you a lot of promises, but I promise to keep this one. I owe it to you and all the other little babies out there. Give me some time. Some time to mourn you, but when I feel ready….watch out cancer world. You’ve fucked with the wrong mommy and baby team. You are going to be sorry, but it will never be sorry enough for having to lose you over Ro. I will be sorry about that everyday for the rest of my life. Your fire now burns in my soul, you live with me, in my body. I know you may go away now and again, but when you want to come home, I know this is where your soul rests. I feel you all the time.

This is all for tonight my little monkey man. I love you to the moon and back a million times over. Just you and me, baby:) Sweet dreams. Go and visit some of your favorite people. Nighty Night baby boy.

xoxo

“Take away a man’s son. You’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.” Quote from Zombieland