An Open Letter to an Asshole

Dear Asshole Reader,

I guess I’m going to have to get used to people like you. Because the world is full of them. Stupid know-it-alls, who judge and give advice just to hear themselves speak. People who think they have the right to spew out their words because they think they know how a mother who has just lost her son, should be feeling. All I have to say is, Wow. And you can fuck off. You have a lot of nerve, to write your words and with all that you had to say, I am assuming you have devoted your life to studying parents whom have lost a child? You seem so knowledgable on the subject. Or clearly, you are a Psychologist yourself?? Hats off to you, if you are either of those things, because you totally seem to have it all figured out. As if there IS a specific formula to follow after one loses a child. You should really write a book on the subject and pass it out to grieving parents everywhere.

You said to me that I am clinically depressed. Do you know what the exact symptoms of that are? I do. I’ve been seeing my therapist and good doctor for about 10 months now. They are both very extremely intelligent and very good at what they do. In case you do not know the symptoms of being clinically depressed, I will tell them to you and we can go over them one by one. I feel like educating you tonight. I hope you don’t mind. We can make it into a fun little game, I’ll just put a (Y) for yes, in front of the symptoms I do agree with, and a (N) for a no, in front of the one’s I disagree with.

Common Symptoms
of Clinical Depression

There are different forms of clinical depression with different combinations of the following symptoms:

Physical:

  • Sleep disturbances-insomnia, oversleeping, waking much earlier than usual- (Y) Insomnia is a given.
  • Changes in appetite or eating: much more or much less-(Y)Turns out your kid getting cancer and dying from it is the perfect diet! YEAH!!! Gold Star for me!
  • Decreased energy, fatigue (N)Opposite.
  • Headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems or other physical symptoms that are not explained by other physical conditions or do not respond to treatment- (Y) Shaky hands- check. Throwing up because the thought of everything my child went through and not having him here anymore, makes me sick to my stomach-check.

Behavioral/Attitude:

  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, such as going out with friends, hobbies, sports, sex, etc. (Y) and (N) I won’t go into the “intimate” details but as you can imagine, sex is not really at the top of my priority list right now. But a (N) to the sports. If I was not active, I really do think I would bury myself in a hole in my backyard and never come out.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions. Wait….. What was the question again?? I can’t remember. Kidding! Of course I remember, silly!! (Y) I cannot concentrate on a thing or even remember the day of the week. I can still make a decision for the most part though. Like deciding to call you an asshole tonight. That may have not been a “good” decision, but hey, I made it all by myself! Gold star for me again!!
  • Neglecting responsibilities or personal appearance (N) I have a lot of responsibility in my life that I am taking care of. For example: today, I had nothing of importance to do and we needed new air filters for our home, so I went to Home Depot and bought them! All by myself. Granted, I ended up buying the wrong one’s (fuck there goes that “remembering” thing again!) And while buying them, I think I even looked halfway decent, so I’d give a (N) to neglecting my personal appearance. Shit. I didn’t blow-dry my hair today though but instead threw it back in a bun…. UGH…. I may now have to re think that personal appearance thing. I did shower though and I’m pretty sure I smelled good so I may be o.k.

Emotional:

  • Persistent sad or “empty” mood, lasting two or more weeks- Well fuck. It’s been 3 months and I’m still feeling really sad, and empty. I didn’t know I had to be over the death of my son in less than 2 weeks. That seems kind of harsh!
  • Crying “for no reason”- So much crying going on here. I have a million reasons to cry though so this cannot apply to me at all.
  • Feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty or worthless- Yup. Living in a hospital for 8 months and seeing all of the sick cancer kids, some without parents to even take care of them, and then having your own son die in your arms….. well that can leave one feeling pretty hopeless and helpless. I totally feel guilty about all of my sadness and I do feel worthless because I promised my son I would get him all better, and I didn’t.
  • Feeling irritable, agitated or anxious- Not really irritable… unless you are my husband… then you get the short end of the stick (Sorry Woo) Anxious? All the time. I constantly think my kids, myself, or husband are going to get cancer next. I have a lot of anxiety about that.
  • Thoughts of death or suicide (Y) But then I think of what that would do to Liam and Quinn and it comes down to that would just make me a selfish bitch. That’s just not me. I like to take care of people, and I have 2 amazing little guys to take care of. 3 if you count Wooddawg, which I do. 4 if you still count Ronan, which I do. He would never forgive me if I did something so stupid like that. And when Ronan gets mad, he gets MAD! I would not want to spend my afterlife with him and all of his anger for me because if I were to do something like that, he would never forgive me.
So, now that we have dissected that, I think you actually may be right! Or they need to change the diagnoses from “Clinical Depression,” to “Things you may feel or do after losing a child.” Hey, that could be your new calling in life! You could have them re write the handbook, since you know so much about each individual person and how they should be acting or feeling. Oh, but guess what else. You told me I need to get on an anti depressant asap. You said I could never be happy again, unless I get on some medication. Your exact words were ,”Please get some antidepressants and let the pain go. Rejoice that Ronan is no longer suffering. Rejoice that his spirit is free of his painful body and that one day your spirit will see his again.”
Well jeez! Good thing I have been on one for 8 months now! Zoloft, 100mg, to be exact. OMG. I suddenly feel SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must be working! O.K. asshole reader. You have no freaking idea what you are talking about. A pill is not going to make me happy. I have been questioning this Zoloft crap for a while because it seems to do nothing for me. I am convinced that no pill can take away this pain that I feel 24 hours a day, unless it is one that numbs you so much that you don’t feel a thing. I’m not doing that. I’m not going to stuff this away and not deal with it now, so it can come out 10 years down the road. Sorry. Not happening. I’m going to whine, cry, say it’s not fair, be bitter, sad, depressed, angry, and cuss up a fucking storm because that is how I am feeling. If you don’t agree, then stop reading and go away. I don’t want support from someone who is so judgmental and close minded. And another thing, you can take that rejoice thing and shove it up your ass. I will never rejoice that Ronan is gone. He was so happy and so healthy for being so sick. He lived his life as if he didn’t have cancer at all because for the most part he was just happy to be with me, no matter what. And with his brothers and daddy. He was more pissed about all the “rules,” he had to follow. My little rebel. He didn’t stop fighting until the very last day, when I told him he had to stop being so stubborn and just relax his body so he could come with me for the rest of my life. I told him I would keep him with me forever and that is what I plan on doing.
I could go on and on about some of the things you said lady….. I loved this part….”I sometimes think you love the following of your readers so much, that you are willing to stay in this pain forever just to keep them. You fear if you heal and get on with your life, that there will no longer be a reason for the blog, and the readers will go. Maybe that is what is best. You love the attention the blog gives you, so much you are willing to sacrifice all your family for it. That is truly sad and unhealthy. I hope you will get help and we won’t be disappointed if you are no longer sad or hurting.” LMFAO about that one. Yes, yes, this is all just a show, an act. I must wallow in my sadness so my lovely readers won’t leave me. Lady- Are you on crack?!?! You cannot possibly be serious. That is one of the craziest comments I’ve ever heard. I would not sacrifice my family for anything (well that could change tomorrow if they start to drive me crazy) The writing I do, is my quiet down time when everyone else is asleep or not home. I do my writing because I have so much shit spinning around in my head all day and it is the only thing that calms me down. If I don’t get it all out, I can’t sit still. I know it doesn’t have to be public knowledge, this pain of mine…. but I started it that way and I’m not going to half ass it or stop because things are getting too sad, too depressing, or they don’t seem to be getting any better. This is my reality of losing my beautiful baby boy and I’m not going to be silenced about it. I’m going to continue to write because one day, maybe I will help someone else with my honestly and craziness. Oh, I have the perfect example of my helping people tonight. It came in the form of an email. Perfect timing.

Maya – I just found out about you and Ronan this week, and you have changed my life. I don’t know if you had the chance to read the really LONG email I sent you this week, and I hope that none of offended you (my references to faith), but writing it actually made me feel a little better. My son died 7 years ago – yesterday was his birthday, and 8/16 will be the 7th anniversary of his death. I feel that I have had to suppress all of my grief, anger, etc., in order to be fair to his twin brother and younger sisters. Your story gave me the courage to start writing mine. Please understand, with regard to my faith, I felt exactly as you do right now. It has taken me a long, long time to find some peace. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to talk, scream, cry or whatever. I wish I would have had an outlet, and I commend you for finding yours. Thanks you for your inspiration, and bless you, your family and Ronan.

: http://3here1inheaven.wordpress.com

See that there, Asshole reader?? Proof that I have helped at least one person! Do I get another Gold Star?!?! I think so! I’m on a roll!!! The girl up there is just one example of why I keep writing. I get 10 emails like this a day. It’s an honor and I feel so privileged that my honesty and pain, can help other people. It is what it is. There is no unnecessary drama, fake sadness, bullshit extra anger… just to keep the readers coming back. It’s me. Just me, trying to get through the days, trying to find things that make me feel good again, but nothing is going to lessen the pain of missing Ronan. He can never be replaced and I will always have a void in my life. I hope to find glimmers of happiness here and there, someday. But it’s only been 3 months. If I am still having this problem, in 3 years, then we can talk. Maybe. Although I did just call you an asshole so you may never want to talk to me again, which is totally fine too.
Alright, Asshole Reader (whoops! you mentioned you were offended by those words) Sorry! They just fucking keep flying out! Bad Mommy. Gold Star taken away. But now I have to go. You have taken away from my writing to Ro time. So now you really are an asshole. Geez. You can’t win tonight. Fine Asshole Reader… I love you anyway because at least you speak what you think, even though I think you should maybe channel it to somewhere else…. like underground dog fighting. I just don’t think it was your place to say all of those things to me when you have no idea what it feels like to lose him. Ronan Sean Thompson. You cannot put me in a category and judge judge judge by what you read. You only read, and I know the reading is intense so I get how one could be worried. But I can tell you, my two boys could not be happier and more loved and more well taken care of. Our house is very happy, despite all the sadness in it. Even with my buckets of tears. I’m not hiding my tears from my boys. This is how it is, this is how we all are feeling, and hiding it is only going to hurt us. We are open, honest, and allowed to feel whatever we want. This is my family. This is our life, grief, pain, and love. We are doing the best we can do.
I feel much better after getting that off my chest. Have a good night and thanks for your “advice.” But please, next time think about who you are writing to and who the eff are you to act like you know when you have no fucking clue. Piss off cowgirl.
I had to put this in tonight. I needed a laugh and Will Ferrell is the best at getting those from me.

Just you and me

Ronan. Just another day without you. I wish I could tell you that I am o.k. But, I’m not. I’m just sad. I’m swimming in a sea of sadness and am barely staying afloat. This morning, I took your brothers to surf camp. I sat and watched them for the 3 hours and pushed them as they both complained about the ocean being too cold, etc….. I was the mean mommy that told them to suck it up. My tolerance for their complaining today was at an all time low. At one point, Quinn came in and didn’t want to go back into the ocean. He wanted to stop surfing for the day. I brought up you and how hard you fought for every second of your life. I talked to him about life and how important it is to not give up and to keep fighting. I told him how you would give anything to be living still and if you were having a hard time at something, that you would have never have given up. But life is not fair and now you don’t get to run around, never taking no for an answer, all while pushing every limit, every boundary that came your way. You were just born different from most people, Ronan. Your daddy and I say it all the time. You had a fire and such strength in your soul. That’s  why we were so convinced that you would beat your stupid fucking cancer. I’ve never met a boy stronger than you and I still can’t believe that everything ended so quickly.

After my “get your ass back into the water,” pep talk….. but in a much nicer way, Quinn finished up his class. I don’t know if I’m pushing too hard, but that’s just the way it goes. Your brothers need to learn a little something about fighting to become the best people they can be. To appreciate everything that they are able to do. To never take a second of life for granted. I have no tolerance for whining and complaining anymore. I know what it’s like to watch a little boy go through treatments for cancer and how you never once complained about anything. Except for missing your brothers and just wanting to be home. Complaining about things in our life now just won’t exist anymore, unless it has to do with missing you. That’s the only thing any of us should every complain about. Anything else can be fixed, problem solved, or worked through.

After the boys’ surf lesson, we hit up the hot tub and than came up for lunch. Liam crashed out for a nap, Quinn rested as well and I took my surfboard and headed out for a couple of hours. It was cold, but I welcomed the angry ocean with open arms today. It felt good to be out there and I got tossed around a bit. Coronado is a great place to learn how to surf and the quiet time out in the ocean, when I paddled past the waves to think about you, was nice. After I surfed, I came back up to the condo and hung out with your daddy and brothers. Later in the evening, we went out to our usual spot so your daddy could cook up our dinner. There were a bunch of dolphins out in the water this evening. We spotted about 5 or 6. They were so beautiful and I of  course thought of you. I was than overcome with anger and thought to myself that it was bullshit that a sign from you, had to come in the form of a dolphin. I don’t want any signs…. I just want you. Back with us, the way things should be. I tried to be happy about seeing those dolphins tonight, but it only made me sad and miss you more. You did leave me a lot of signs today, which I am thankful for. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, Ro. I love all your little signs, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. Sometimes it hurts more.

After dinner, we came back up to the condo and although it was late…. 9:30, I headed out for my run. (sorry Mr. Sparky Eyes) I promised him I wouldn’t run late at night anymore, due to an encounter I had with some creepy man a few nights ago; but I had to go tonight. It’s the restlessness in me that never goes away. I ran 7 miles…. all the way over to the Coronado Bridge and back. It felt good, it hurt, and I of course thought about you a lot. Sometimes, when I am thinking about you, it hurts so bad that I cannot even cry. I was thinking about being at The Ryan House with you and I felt like I was going to stop breathing as I still can’t come to the realization that you are gone. I think I have Post-traumatic stress disorder. For real.

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you’ve seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.

PTSD can occur at any age and can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as war, a prison stay, assault, domestic abuse, or rape. The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, in the United States may have caused PTSD in some people who were involved, in people who saw the disaster, and in people who lost relatives and friends. These kinds of events can produce stress in anyone, but not everyone develops PTSD.

The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.

Having good social support helps to protect against PTSD. In studies of Vietnam veterans, those with strong support systems were less likely to get PTSD than those without social support.

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. Repeated “reliving” of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

  • Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
  • Recurrent distressing memories of the event
  • Repeated dreams of the event
  • Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance

  • Emotional “numbing,” or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
  • Feelings of detachment
  • Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
  • Lack of interest in normal activities
  • Less expression of moods
  • Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
  • Sense of having no future

3. Arousal

  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Exaggerated response to things that startle you
  • Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
  • Irritability or outbursts of anger
  • Sleeping difficulties

You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including “survivor guilt”), and the following symptoms, which are typical ofanxiety, stress, and tension:

  • Agitation, or excitability
  • Dizziness
  • Fainting
  • Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
  • Fever
  • Headache
  • PalenessYup. That pretty much sums me up. Except for the paleness, but that is only due to the sunny Cali weather:)

I thought about the lecture I was going to get from Mr. Sparkly Eyes about running so late at night and thought about how I would tell him that I was sorry; but fear is a word that doesn’t exist in my vocabulary anymore. I have already lived through the thing I was most scared of in my life. So now what? What else do I have to fear? Nothing. Of course, I worry about your brothers and Daddy, but when it comes to me… I just don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to live my life being scared of anything anymore because I know whatever else is thrown my way, will be nothing compared to losing you. So , I will run my runs when I want, say the things I feel, swim in the ocean at night, and not be scared. It’s actually very freeing and liberating. To live a life of not being scared of things is how all people should live, otherwise what’s the point? Before all of this, I don’t know if I would have ever taken up surfing, because I was scared of sharks. And forget about running the dark. I used to make up things in my head to be scared of. Well, I’m done with that. At 33 years old, after losing you, I’m done with fear. I’m going to live my life the way you would have lived yours. Head on, embracing every adventure and pushing the limits for the most beautiful outcomes. I will live my life this way for you, because I know as an adult, this is the way you would have grown up to be. Life would have been scared of you.

I came home to your daddy and brothers watching a movie and soon Quinn was ready for bed. We came into our room and as soon as we turned on the T.V. guess what was on, Ro. “Zombieland.” One of our very favorite movies that we used to watch all the time. That’s where you got the saying, “Just you and me,” from. Another one of your little signs. That was one of our favorite things to do in the hospital was watch that movie on your iPad. Quinn watched it for the first time tonight and laughed a lot. It’s a little mature for him, but he has had so much of his innocence taken away that I let him watch it anyway. We cuddled up and watched it together. I held him extra tight for you.

We say goodnight to you every night. Do you hear us?? I hope you do. I’m going to say goodnight now baby. We have an early camp tomorrow again, hoping those brothers will pick up a little more passion and zest for the opportunities that they are given. I just want them to be thankful for being on this earth everyday, with 2 parents who are so broken, but are somehow managing to make this summer as good as it can possibly be. It’s a lot of work, but as a family, we have to do this. For all of us. I know it is what you would want.

I love you little man. I love you to the moon and back. As I was running tonight, I stopped and blew a kiss up to the moon and said, “I love you, Ronan.” I hope you heard me. Life is so precious and I know it doesn’t’ seem like it now, but I am not going to let it swallow me whole. I promise I will start living it again when I am ready. But ready is not now, and I don’t know when it will ever be. I need more time to pass between your death. I still cry all the time, but mostly over being with you that final night and saying goodbye to you. I still tell myself it just can’t be true. You were true and all I wanted was you. Forever. What am I supposed to do without you my little bug?? As of now, I don’t want to do anything except survive and not totally fuck up your brothers with the crazy shit that goes though my head. All I can do is be present for them and do the little things for them that I know mean so much. I will deal with them first, and myself later. I can wait. The damage done to them cannot be undone, which is why when we get back to AZ, therapy will become a big part of our lives. I have to be proactive about this and it is something we are going to have to do as a family, together.

I also forgot to tell you a funny story from last night. I took Quinn to dinner, on a date. We had finished up and we were walking out of the restaurant and there was a family of 5 sitting on the bench and standing up, smoking. I was holding on to Quinn’s had and I looked at them, straight in the eyes, and said, “Smoking causes cancer,” and kept walking. I thought Quinn was going to fall over. It’s like I have no censor anymore and he wanted to know if we were going to get into trouble for saying that. I said for what, “For speaking the truth? Ronan got cancer because he didn’t have a choice.” The fact that people in this day and age, take it upon themselves to smoke, knowing what the risks are, pisses me off. I’m sensitive to this, especially now. I wanted to say, “You should get cancer, not my 4-year-old child who didn’t do a thing wrong in this world.” You make the choice to suck on those freaking cancer sticks, then suffer the consequences. My child had to suffer for not a god damn reason at all except for bad luck. If anyone deserved to live, it was you baby. I will never stop thinking that. This whole things turned out so unbelievably wrong. For everyone involved. Everyone misses you Ronan. Even though you are gone, you are still changing lives. I promise you, a cure for this will be found before I die. I know I made you a lot of promises, but I promise to keep this one. I owe it to you and all the other little babies out there. Give me some time. Some time to mourn you, but when I feel ready….watch out cancer world. You’ve fucked with the wrong mommy and baby team. You are going to be sorry, but it will never be sorry enough for having to lose you over Ro. I will be sorry about that everyday for the rest of my life. Your fire now burns in my soul, you live with me, in my body. I know you may go away now and again, but when you want to come home, I know this is where your soul rests. I feel you all the time.

This is all for tonight my little monkey man. I love you to the moon and back a million times over. Just you and me, baby:) Sweet dreams. Go and visit some of your favorite people. Nighty Night baby boy.

xoxo

“Take away a man’s son. You’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.” Quote from Zombieland

Welcome back, hospital insomnia

Beeping machines. Check. Headache. Check. Cold hospital room. Check. Missing Woody. Check. Hospital insomnia back. Check. Check. Check. Where does this leave me? Miserable. With a foggy head. I really, really, tried to go to sleep without my sleepy meds tonight, because I thought I left them at the RMH. I’ve lain awake for 3 freaking hours now. Tossing. Turning. Had a slight panic attack and thought I couldn’t breathe. It was only out of sheer terror and desperation that I dug though another overnight bag and thank the lord, found my Ambien. Waiting for it to kick in and trying to ignore the little voices in the back of my head saying they can’t believe I have to take prescription meds to go to sleep. STFU. Nothing to feel guilty about… but was all so foreign to me, until now. I gag taking Advil. Never in my life had I had to take medication to sleep. Sleep always came so easily and peacefully to me. Guess that changes when your child gets cancer. At least it has for me. Everything has changed.

I tossed and turned and sat and over-analyzed everything like I always do. I worried myself into a panic about a friend who is flying back to Phoenix tonight. I told him I needed to know he was safe so I could sleep better. I texted Woody to let me know when he arrived to Phoenix because I needed to know that he and Quinn were safe. I sat and obsessed over these things tonight for I cannot take something else happening to the people I love. Now, I will sit here and obsess over my mom getting into New York safely and hoping that she easily finds her way to the RMH. She’s never been to New York and I can tell she is nervous. I wish I could be there to meet her but all I can do is sit and wait for her to call so I know she’s o.k. I worry a lot when I don’t sleep and my overactive imagination goes into full effect. Then there’s the damn beep beep of Ronan’s fucking pole again. I have to get up, buzz the nurse, and say, “We’re beeping!” I’ve done this only 5 times tonight. Awesomeness. I much prefer my coma induced state of sleep that I was able to have the past few nights while I slept at the RMH with Quinn. My little blue friends better start working soon or I am going to be a zombie tomorrow and I hate being that way. I was so looking forward to some nice time with my mom and Ronan… do not want grumpy Maya to make an appearance. Nobody likes her.

Our roommate is really sick. So sick that I can’t sleep because I am so sad for him. He has a very rare form of brain cancer. He has a big bump on his head from it and can’t really talk or move. He is a little younger than Ronan, with the most beautiful face and the longest eyelashes. His parents are such good parents too. You can tell that they are as in love with each other as they are their son who is fighting so desperately hard for his little life. They sit and play memory and other games with him all day, but he gets tired easily. Today, he slept the entire day and has thrown up on and off. I wish I had a magic wand to make him all better. If love could fix the problem, he would be healed because the way his mom loves him is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life. She is a very good mom. And you all know I have high standards. It takes a lot for me to call another mom a good mom, and this lady should win mama of the year. Her patience, love, and kindness for her child makes me smile. It gives me hope that he is going to be fine; just like Ronan.

You know how I know Ronan is going to be fine?? Because of my insight. And because of the very insightful people who I surround myself with and they know it too. Like Mr. Sparkly Eyes, who I was texting a couple of days ago after I was having a bad day and I told him I just needed to hear him tell me that everything was going to be o.k. He responded with “I do believe Ro will overcome this.” He wouldn’t just say this to me if he didn’t feel it or believe in it. Same with Fernanda. She has great insight to things and told me this morning that she has no doubt that Ronan is going to be o.k… and she will watch him grow up into a beautiful teenager. There is something about the two of them that I trust and believe in what they are saying 110%. They are my Ronan whispers. I don’t see Ronan not surviving this and maybe I’m biased because he’s my child and maybe this is the way every mother feels when facing this situation…. but I don’t know. I just have such a strong sense that these hard and scary times are going to be worth it because in the end, he will still be here; where he belongs which is on this earth doing amazing things. Woody and I both know it is going to take a lot of work to get our son back, but we both do not doubt that it will happen and we are in the best place where they are going to make sure it happens. I have an inner peace about this. I trust my insights, my gut, the flashes of things I get that pertain to my life. TRUSTTRUSTTRUST. This is all happening for a very good reason. A huge mother-fucking rainbow at the end of the storm!!!!!!!!!

Holla!!! New York better be prepared! Miss Macy is coming for a visit!!!!! I’m so excited! She just sent me a text saying she will be here April 14-17th. I have the most amazing friends that refuse to let me be here alone and are filling in for Woody when he is gone. Trish has her ticket booked, Fernanda is coming, Niki, Stacy, Tiffany, and I have a whole line-up of people who are dying to come out next to help. I love my friends so much. I don’t know what I would do without them.

Alright. Officially getting tired due to my “friends” starting to work. Thank GOD for Ambien. Nighty Night peeps!

Sparkly stars in the sky and all the one’s right before my very eyes

These are the kind of friends I have. The kind who come over to your house in the morning, bring you coffee, insist that you give them your car keys so they can go wash and put gas in your car. Not to mention pick up your prescriptions, some pictures you had developed, all while you put up a fight in which they were not having. The kind of friends whom stop by, bringing their sweet little boy with them to play with Ronan and insist on you giving them a list. The new friend, whom you have never met before, but is dying to be a part of our lives because she and her family have been so deeply touched. The friend whom lets me drop my crew off to play with her crew while I went to my therapist. The friend who let me rant and rave all while agreeing with me that this is bullshit, and she knows because she has lived through it. The friend who drops off boxes on your doorstep so you can try to pack up your life and send it to New York. This all happened today; these amazing woman helped me though today without me even having to ask. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Thank you, Melissa, Gay, Tiffany, Pam, Stacy and Bethany. You all will really not let me fall, no matter how hard I try.
Today was busy indeed. I had a mild meltdown on the way to see “The Good Doctor.” A panic attack, an almost nervous breakdown… I had to call Marisa on my way so she could rationalize everything for me. I don’t know how I made it to my appointment without getting in a wreck. But I did. The good doctor took one look at me and knew I what a mess I was. We went over my prescriptions, the doses, and we had a short but productive talk. I felt a little better after leaving there, but my nerves were shot. I am doing my best but this week has been especially hard. I have been trying my hardest to enjoy my time with Liam, Quinn, and Ronan but the littlest things put me on edge now. Any little argument between my boys is enough to make me want to lock myself up in an insane asylum. My patience is worn thin and I have the patience of a saint. I am struggling with trying to be a normal mom…. whatever that may be. I just want to be the mom I was before all of this but is is so hard.
Woody came home and I slipped out for an hour to meet a friend for dinner. Just what the doctor ordered. We sat outside, ate good food, and the weight of the world seemed lifted off of my shoulders for the hour that I was there. I found myself laughing, enjoying our conversation, and it was just very easy, as it always is. The stars were shining so brightly tonight, I kept looking up to see if I could see a shooting star to make a wish on. I then decided I didn’t need a star, because one of the most beautiful stars was sitting right before me. I made a wish on my friend, the same wish I make 50 times a day. It made me smile. I came home feeling much better about things. It’s funny how certain people just bring out the old me, the funny me, the happy me. The me that is buried so deep down, but when she comes out I so enjoy being her. Tonight was something I very much-needed. An hour of pure bliss and happiness.
Ronan is still in a lot of pain. It’s absolutely killing me as there is nothing I can do. I mostly sit and try to comfort him, get him to take his pain medication, and try not to throw up at the thought of him hurting so badly. I sit back and wonder what it feels like for his little arm to hurt so much. Does it feel broken? Does it burn? Does it throb? However badly it is hurting, I know it is intense. He never complains about a thing and watching him with this is like daggers in my heart. I cannot wait to get him started on Monday for his next round of chemo. I never in my life would have thought I’d be so happy about getting back on his magic medicine but I cannot stand to see the pain he is in. He needs it badly.
New York is going to be good. And I am going to be good once I get there. It is my Ro baby’s city that is going to heal him; I just know it. We are going to get there, get into our routine, and get him better. I know he is going to respond well to his treatments; I have all the faith in the world. New York really is a magical place and I honestly feel that energy when we are there. We always do so well and we can do this. We will do this while refusing to let go of the rope we are holding on so tightly to. We are just going to keep tying knot after knot so we can keep hanging on. We are never letting go of our rope and I am never going to let Ronan slip and fall. I will hold on to him for the rest of my life and I will be thankful for every second of it. I never knew how precious life really was until all of this. It all seemed so trivial to me…. just another day in the life of Maya Thompson. Now I know how precious our time here on earth really is because I am watching my 3 year old fight for it every second of the day. It is so wrong, so sad, but so inspiring. Ronan has made me realize that my time here is meant to change the way certain things in the world work. He is laying out a path for me and I am not sure where it is going yet…. but I am going to keep following it until I figure it out. I love him so much. My sweet little seal.
Tomorrow, we have the clinic visit for blood and possibly platelets. We will say our final goodbye’s for now, but not forever. We will be back to see our angels at PCH soon. Ronan will be back and feeling much better:) Cannot wait for that day. Fernanda is going to come to the clinic with me to work on some things. I.LOVE.HER. so much. I swear she could rule the world. Beautiful people everywhere and I never even knew it. Thank you to all of you who are keeping up with Ro and his journey. We are so thankful for the love you send his way. Someday, when this is all over and Ronan is well, we will have a big party and all 264,578 whom are reading this are invited:) Wouldn’t that be amazing?? I am totally going to get Eddie Vedder to throw a Charity Concert for Ronan. Or Tom Petty. Or Neil Young. Or all of them combined. How awesome would that be?  Mark my words. Done and done.
Goodnight to my dear friends, old and new. <3 Goodnight to each and every one of you. Love and blessings to you all!!!!
xoxo

There is nothing sweeter than kissing the bald head of a cancer child

You
know how some things in life were just so meant to be? Things like
this seem to be happening to me often these days, but today it is
truer than ever. I’ve mentioned before my new friend, Macy, who did
not know me, but my blog was passed along to her through a friend.
She lives in NYC and sent me a message saying if there was anything
I needed, to please contact her. I went on Facebook, friend
requested her, and we hit it off immediately. She went to ASU as
well and graduated a year ahead of me. She is nothing short of
amazing. She came to the hospital this morning with her big bright
green eyes, coffee and bagels. She did not leave the hospital until
10:00 tonight. She stayed the entire day today, we had so much fun
getting to know each other and Ronan is in L.O.V.E. The two of us
have so much in common it is scary. I had the best day today. We
played with R, laughed, got to know each other, and Ronan
absolutely loves having her here. My little guy normally kicks
everyone out. He has loved Macy since the moment he laid eyes on
her. She helped me so much today, watched as Ronan had his broviac
dressing changed, helped me talk him though it, read him books, and
just loved on our little guy. It was a very special day to say the
least. How did I get so lucky to come across this amazing soul?? I
am amazed everyday by the blessings in my life. Love you, Macy….
can’t wait for you to move to San Fran so we can be closer to each
other!!

Ronan got his chest tube out today and everyday I am more
and more impressed by my little guy. It looked freaking painful,
and he didn’t even flinch. He just laid there and let them pull
this big tube out of the side of his abdomen. He is such an angel
with all of the poking and prodding, it is amazing to witness. Macy
was dying when he was getting his Broviac dressing changed. Our
nurse, Julia, was so good at doing it and was so gentle, but it
still hurts. He sat as still as he could and in his little voice
was saying things like, “I need a break,” “Please don’t rip my
skin!” and “Please I need a band-aid!” UGH. It kills me every time.
I about died when he was telling her not to rip his skin, but he
made sure to say please before. I mean, are you kidding me with
this kid?? All the nurses and doctors here are in love with Ronan
and cannot get over his big blue eyes and how well behaved he is.
I’m telling you, he is a brand new boy, his whole attitude is
different. He is showing cancer who is boss.

So, today we got word that the study we are on, COG, emailed Dr. Kusher to say that we needed to come home for Round 6 of chemo, otherwise we are going to be kicked off of the study we are on. I am beyond pissed. All of our doctors said it was o.k. to stay here, the doctors here are fine with it, but we are just now being told that it is not o.k., even thought he would be getting the same dose of chemo here than he would be getting a PCH. Does not make sense to me at all. I told
Dr. La Quaglia to please see if we could stay, but I have a feeling
it is out of his hands. I’m pissed. I am a girl who likes a plan
and we had a great plan in place. I wanted to get Ronan as healed
as possible and just get his chemo started pronto here and get it
done and over with. Now, I have to pack up everything, put my baby
on a germ infested flight because we didn’t have time to contact
anyone who could fly us home, risk his immune system, and
everything feels so rushed. I am beyond annoyed and I don’t know
why stupid COG is just now letting us know this. I feel very
unprepared and honestly, I am not ready to go back to Phoenix. I
was in such a funk there and the proof is in the pudding. Tricia
told me tonight that she was talking to Marisa and they have both
been saying how great I sound, how I sound like the old Maya. It’s
this city I tell ya. It has healed me a bit because everything here
has been so positive. The energy, the buzz, the doctors, the
hospital….. everything is top notch. Our doctors come by at least
twice a day, stay around forever, and the care here is amazing.
Even the lady who takes out our garbage comes walking in with a
smile and saying, “There’s my Ro baby! How you doing today,
gorgeous?” The freaking garbage lady knows Ronan’s name and is
always happy and smiling. New York has been a rebirth not only for
Ronan, but for myself as well. What if that all goes away when I
get back to Phoenix?? I know I can’t stay here forever, but I had
already prepared myself for another couple of weeks. The bottom
line is, I don’t want to rush anything with Ronan… the baby just
had a major surgery and I feel like letting him heal here is the
best thing for him. I’m letting it go… I don’t have a choice. I
can’t fight the COG people…. so whatever happens, happens and we
will make the best of it. I’ll admit, I’ve gotten spoiled here. The
care is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and they make you
feel like you actually do matter, like you’re not just another
statistic.

Today was full of exciting things. Ronan felt great, we played a lot. I made him some homemade slime which he loved, but
did not want to touch. My hands are still purple from the food
coloring. So funny. Guess who else made it a great day?!?! My
Tricia Boo! She is here, safe and sound. I almost fell to the floor
when she walked in the room. Instead, I cried and held her for a
very long time. I’ve missed my BFF way too much. It is going to be
so great to have her here. Macy got to meet her and they totally
hit it off. Ronan was in HEAVEN. He was so adorable, just sitting
in his bed, watching us girls gossip and laugh. Tricia and I
somehow got on the subject of the movie, “The House Bunny” and we
were doing funny lines from the movie since Macy has never seen it.
I have not heard Ronan laugh in days, but tonight as we were doing
our funny lines, he was watching us and laughing so hard from his
belly. Oh, it was the sweetest sound to hear. He must think we are
nuts, but he was loving every second of it. We had so much fun
tonight. I am so thankful to have TT here. Talk about a true
friend.

My last bit of exciting news for the night is insane! A
reporter from US Weekly contacted me because they heard about Jake
Gyllenhaal’s visit to Sloan Kettering though my blog! They want to
talk to me more about it and the girl was so touched by Ronan’s
story, she said to please let her know if there is anything they
can do. I emailed her back and told her I would be happy to talk to
her, but I was requesting two things. 1) For her to please get
Ronan’s website in US Weekly… anywhere. I told her how important
it is to raise awareness for what so many children are going
through. And 2) I asked her to please get my Liz a date with Jake!
I was half joking on the second request but thought I’d put it out
there. She sent me an email saying, Of course she would (not sure
if she was talking about the website thing or the date for Liz) but
regardless, she is calling me tomorrow. I’m going to try my best to
get her to help me spread the word on Ronan. And I only have the
nicest things to say about meeting Jake. He was a gem. I’m so going
to try to get him to take on childhood cancer as his charity. I
know he does a lot of things for animals, which is so amazing….
but these kids need a voice and I feel like he has the heart to do
it. Overload tonight. I had so much to share and could keep going
but my eyes are drifting off. Tonight, I am so thankful and so
blessed to be surrounded by such beauty. Ronan shows me everyday
what it truly means to be brave and strong. He is such an old soul.
My very own Master Yoda:) Sweetest dreams, friends. xoxo Ronan and
Macy!!

Overwhelmed, Insomnia, Anxiety and more

I’m overwhelmed. What do I want to do when I’m overwhelmed? Go into hiding; hence the ignoring phone calls, blog, texts, facebook, etc…. Sorry to those have been calling and I’ve been MIA. I was so ready to leave for New York today. SO READY. I don’t know how much more of this anticipation/anxiety I can take. I told you all I am a die hard plan queen. When things don’t work out; I become an instant anxiety ridden freak. This is me now. Also, hating the fact that we are just sitting in the freaking hospital, when Ronan has not had a fever now for 2 days, but they still insist on keeping him on these fucking antibiotics even all the blood cultures are coming back negative for any kind of infection. I know, I know, better safe than sorry. I just don’t like my baby having to get more medicine than he needs; and especially when he does not need it. It’s hospital rules, I get it. But my inner rule breaker just wants to take him off all of this crap and take him home. We also need his ANC to come back up; hopefully his numbers will be even better tomorrow.

Woody is working on getting the plane situation figured out. I feel bad for Mr. W…. he is trying his best to work it out for us; but time is money, people. Woody is supposed to call him on Wednesday to give him the for sure word on when we can leave. The doctors have been going back and forth on it. Sooner rather than later please. Mimi and Papa have been coming to relive me during the day; and I do the night shift. It helps so much. Except for the fact that I miss my twins like CRAZY. I’ll never stop resenting the fact that I don’t get to be around them very much anymore. Thank GOD for Woody. He wins the best dad of the year award, hands down. He is giving me the best gift ever just because I know that Liam and Quinn are in the best hands, with the best dad in the world.

I don’t have much more to say tonight except thank you to everyone who has been checking in, dropping of meals (Kati- thank you so much for last week and tonight) I wish I could give you all a big hug. We are hanging in there, we will get to New York sooner or later. I just keep telling myself everything happens for a reason. Even though I have come to despise that stupid saying because there is no reason that my baby should have cancer.

G’nite to all of you beautiful people out there. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. Because I don’t have a lot to say tonight; mainly because I’m scared of the thoughts in my head; I’m going to leave you with an email from my precious Susie who lives in Colorado. She was in town over the weekend and got to spend some much needed time with us at the hospital. It was the first time I have seen her since Ro’s diagnoses. It meant the world to me. We had the best time, talking, laughing, hugging, and crying. I miss her so much and she will always be like a sister to me. She is so great about reminding me of how strong I am and that I can do this. A piece of my heart will always be with her no matter the distance between us. I love you JYD.

Hi Mama- 

I just wanted to send you a quick note to tell you how much this morning meant to me.  You are absolutely the strongest woman I know.  Seeing you at the hospital with Ronan was pretty fucking intense.  Although I’ve been hearing about everything from the beginning and have been reading about it everyday since, nothing could have prepared me for seeing you two in that setting.  It was scary and very real.  Ronan is a darling angel and I hated seeing him stuck in that bed. With that being said, you are doing EVERYTHING you need to in order to kick this shit and that is apparent even from hundreds of miles away.  I know that very soon things will be back to normal.  Maybe not before you briefly glimpse hell (during isolation for 30 days amongst other hurdles) but very soon nonetheless.  I love you so much Maya.  You are a wonderful mama and your love alone can conquer all of this.  It has to because I said so and I’m the JYD mother fucker!
Stay strong and know that I think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY.
All my love,
Suz

Heart of a mother, soul of a fighter

Anxiety is the word of the night. Not sure why… but tonight I am more anxious than I have been in a while. We had a great day; a beautiful day. We started off up bright and early and Ronan knew that we had a clinic day ahead of us. He was actually really excited about going because he knew we would get to come home after. We had all of his counts checked and got to visit with our favorite people, “A” and Sharon. I guess I am having a little anxiety about leaving PCH to go to Sloan. I’ve gotten so comfortable here and I am going to miss seeing “A” and Sharon sooooo much. They take such good care of us and are always so warm and friendly. They feel like family to me. Going to a new hospital to try to get used to “new” people seems a bit scary. But hey, in the big picture of things… I know it’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m sure everyone in New York will be just as nice…(I hope). How could they not be… all they are going to have to do is take one look at Ronan’s big blue eyes and they will fall in love with him:) Dr. Maze came over to say hello and helped me with Ronan for a bit. I was dealing with setting up our next appointments and as soon as Dr. Maze came in, he scooped Ronan up into his arms and went and sat down with him while I took care of some paper work. It was adorable, to say the least.Ronan was talking and smiling the entire time. He was so happy today.

We came home and Sarah came over for a bit so I could go and run an errand. Ro was fine with having her here and told her she could come to New York with him. He sat and named off a list of the people who were allowed to come. Sarah and Trish both made the cut;) He is very excited to go and so am I…. for the most part. I’m torn about being away from Liam and Quinn so long, and not having Woody with me the entire time. I’m making the best of it though… I’m a big girl and now is not the time to willow into a little flower. It’s time to take New York by storm and stay focused on what we are there to do. I am going to be so relieved when his surgery is over; the anticipation is already driving me crazy. I just need to remember deep breaths and that Ronan is going to be in the best hands in the world. I can do this, he can do this, we can do this.

I need to go on a run or something… Ronan is already sound asleep and Liam and Quinn are tucked in as well. The house is so quiet but my mind is not. I can’t even watch T.V. anymore…. it is so hard for me to focus on it and seems like such a waste of time. I have so much to do before we leave and I need to get a list written out of everything that has to be done before we go. Where is my Marisa when I need her. Ris’ I need you and your HELP!! She is the best at getting things done like this. I usually have no problem getting things ready to go. But that was in my old life, before Ronan had cancer. Now the littlest things seem overwhelming. I think I’d better make a call to the “good doctor” and have him up my dose of my meds…. Pronto.

Sweet dreams to you all, you lucky, lovely, people.

xoxo

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you