Overwhelmed, Insomnia, Anxiety and more

I’m overwhelmed. What do I want to do when I’m overwhelmed? Go into hiding; hence the ignoring phone calls, blog, texts, facebook, etc…. Sorry to those have been calling and I’ve been MIA. I was so ready to leave for New York today. SO READY. I don’t know how much more of this anticipation/anxiety I can take. I told you all I am a die hard plan queen. When things don’t work out; I become an instant anxiety ridden freak. This is me now. Also, hating the fact that we are just sitting in the freaking hospital, when Ronan has not had a fever now for 2 days, but they still insist on keeping him on these fucking antibiotics even all the blood cultures are coming back negative for any kind of infection. I know, I know, better safe than sorry. I just don’t like my baby having to get more medicine than he needs; and especially when he does not need it. It’s hospital rules, I get it. But my inner rule breaker just wants to take him off all of this crap and take him home. We also need his ANC to come back up; hopefully his numbers will be even better tomorrow.

Woody is working on getting the plane situation figured out. I feel bad for Mr. W…. he is trying his best to work it out for us; but time is money, people. Woody is supposed to call him on Wednesday to give him the for sure word on when we can leave. The doctors have been going back and forth on it. Sooner rather than later please. Mimi and Papa have been coming to relive me during the day; and I do the night shift. It helps so much. Except for the fact that I miss my twins like CRAZY. I’ll never stop resenting the fact that I don’t get to be around them very much anymore. Thank GOD for Woody. He wins the best dad of the year award, hands down. He is giving me the best gift ever just because I know that Liam and Quinn are in the best hands, with the best dad in the world.

I don’t have much more to say tonight except thank you to everyone who has been checking in, dropping of meals (Kati- thank you so much for last week and tonight) I wish I could give you all a big hug. We are hanging in there, we will get to New York sooner or later. I just keep telling myself everything happens for a reason. Even though I have come to despise that stupid saying because there is no reason that my baby should have cancer.

G’nite to all of you beautiful people out there. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. Because I don’t have a lot to say tonight; mainly because I’m scared of the thoughts in my head; I’m going to leave you with an email from my precious Susie who lives in Colorado. She was in town over the weekend and got to spend some much needed time with us at the hospital. It was the first time I have seen her since Ro’s diagnoses. It meant the world to me. We had the best time, talking, laughing, hugging, and crying. I miss her so much and she will always be like a sister to me. She is so great about reminding me of how strong I am and that I can do this. A piece of my heart will always be with her no matter the distance between us. I love you JYD.

Hi Mama- 

I just wanted to send you a quick note to tell you how much this morning meant to me.  You are absolutely the strongest woman I know.  Seeing you at the hospital with Ronan was pretty fucking intense.  Although I’ve been hearing about everything from the beginning and have been reading about it everyday since, nothing could have prepared me for seeing you two in that setting.  It was scary and very real.  Ronan is a darling angel and I hated seeing him stuck in that bed. With that being said, you are doing EVERYTHING you need to in order to kick this shit and that is apparent even from hundreds of miles away.  I know that very soon things will be back to normal.  Maybe not before you briefly glimpse hell (during isolation for 30 days amongst other hurdles) but very soon nonetheless.  I love you so much Maya.  You are a wonderful mama and your love alone can conquer all of this.  It has to because I said so and I’m the JYD mother fucker!
Stay strong and know that I think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY.
All my love,
Suz

5 thoughts on “Overwhelmed, Insomnia, Anxiety and more”

  1. Maya so sorry to hear that your plans for New York have gotten off track but hang in there I just no everything will work out I no you really enjoy music and I have to say everytime I hear Katy Perrys Firework song I can’t help but think of Ronan and how he is going to shine when this is all over and he will shine with those beautiful blue eyes as always your all in my thoughts and prayers

  2. Maya, although we’ve never met, you sound like a very, very tough cookie, and I can tell by the intense love for your family, that you WILL get through this. Keep up your faith, and your chin, and you’ll soon be on the way to NYC, on the road to curing Ronan. Love & Prayers, Sue

  3. Maya, I believe Suz is for sure your truth speaking Angel . Listen to her.
    If it brings any comfort to you and family just know I am praying daily for
    you. My friends laugh and say ” when Dorene prays God listens”.
    Hugs, D

  4. Hey, hoping that Ronan gets out of the hospital soon and you can get on to New York. Sucks to hear all this setback, but great to hear about the wonderful family you have. I pray everything gets together soon and for an end to cancer, especially Ronan’s….
    Believing, Alyssa
    COLE Prayer Team
    http://www.colesfoundation.org

  5. I was so excited when I got the fy cancer bracelets in the mail last week. I have been wearing mine every day! It’s as if I am carrying a piece of you and Ronan with me. 🙂

    Praying and thinking of your family. Hope you make it to The Big Apple soon!

    Merry Christmas, Maya!

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