Overwhelmed, Insomnia, Anxiety And More

I’m overwhelmed.

And when I’m overwhelmed, what do I want to do? Go into hiding. Hence the ignoring of phone calls, the blog, texts, Facebook, etc. So to those who have been calling and I’ve been MIA — I’m sorry.

I was so ready to leave for New York today. So ready. I don’t know how much more of this anticipation and anxiety I can take. I’ve told you all before, I am a die-hard plan queen. When things don’t work out according to the plan, I instantly become an anxiety-ridden mess. That is exactly where I am right now.

I also hate the fact that we are just sitting in this freaking hospital when Ronan hasn’t had a fever for two days, yet they still insist on keeping him on these antibiotics, even though all of the blood cultures are coming back negative for any kind of infection. I know, I know — better safe than sorry. I just don’t like my baby having to get more medicine than he needs, especially when he doesn’t need it. It’s hospital protocol. I get it. But the rule-breaker inside me just wants to rip it all off and take him home.

We also need his ANC to come back up. Hopefully his numbers will be even better tomorrow.

Woody is working on getting the plane situation figured out. I feel bad for Mr. W. He is trying his best to make it all work for us, but time is money, people. He is supposed to call the plane company on Wednesday to give them a firm answer about when we can leave. The doctors have been going back and forth on the timing. Sooner rather than later, please.

Mimi and Papa have been coming to relieve me during the day, and I do the night shift. It helps so much. Except for the fact that I miss my twins like crazy. I will never stop resenting the fact that I don’t get to be around them as much anymore.

Thank God for Woody. He wins Best Dad of the Year, hands down. Knowing that Liam and Quinn are in the best hands, with the best dad in the world, is the greatest gift he could give me right now.

I don’t have much more to say tonight except thank you — to everyone who has been checking in and dropping off meals. Kati, thank you so much for last week and tonight. I wish I could give you all a big hug.

We are hanging in there. We will get to New York sooner or later. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason… even though I have come to despise that stupid saying, because there is no reason my baby should have cancer.

G’nite to all of you beautiful people out there. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. Because I don’t have a lot to say tonight; mainly because I’m scared of the thoughts in my head; I’m going to leave you with an email from my precious Susie who lives in Colorado. She was in town over the weekend and got to spend some much needed time with us at the hospital. It was the first time I have seen her since Ro’s diagnoses. It meant the world to me. We had the best time, talking, laughing, hugging, and crying. I miss her so much and she will always be like a sister to me. She is so great about reminding me of how strong I am and that I can do this. A piece of my heart will always be with her no matter the distance between us. I love you JYD.

Hi Mama- 

I just wanted to send you a quick note to tell you how much this morning meant to me.  You are absolutely the strongest woman I know.  Seeing you at the hospital with Ronan was pretty fucking intense.  Although I’ve been hearing about everything from the beginning and have been reading about it everyday since, nothing could have prepared me for seeing you two in that setting.  It was scary and very real.  Ronan is a darling angel and I hated seeing him stuck in that bed. With that being said, you are doing EVERYTHING you need to in order to kick this shit and that is apparent even from hundreds of miles away.  I know that very soon things will be back to normal.  Maybe not before you briefly glimpse hell (during isolation for 30 days amongst other hurdles) but very soon nonetheless.  I love you so much Maya.  You are a wonderful mama and your love alone can conquer all of this.  It has to because I said so and I’m the JYD mother fucker!

Stay strong and know that I think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY.

All my love,

Suz