Excuse the rambling novel tonight… it’s just the screaming voices in my head

Ronan. Today was real. I think. I honestly don’t know what is real and what is fake anymore, but here is how my “real day,” played out. Woke up after another restless night of sleep. Went through all the motions of the morning, eg: getting out of bed, showered, dressed, boys up, showered, breakfast made, water bottles filled, lunches packed, drove them to school, sent them off with the usual, “I love you so much. I’m so proud of you both, try your hardest, be kind, help others, have a wonderful day, see you at 3:15…. YES, I will be here to pick you up, please don’t worry.” FUCK. I’m exhausted already. I got into my car, to headed to my appointment with Sarah. Stopped at Starbucks drive thru to grab my breakfast of champions…. Non-Fat, Vanilla Latte, please. Pulled up to the window to pay for my order. The girl goes, “The car behind you has taken care of it.” I looked up; in disbelief. “What??” I replied. “No, no, um…. o.k….. but really??” Starbucks girl smiled, “Yup, it’s taken care of.” I was in awe. “Please tell her I said thank you.” I tried to see who it was, this sweet stranger of mine… but I didn’t want to be all creepy and stalker like. So, I drove off, and waved to the White Range Rover lady behind me. I don’t know if she knew who I was…. or if it was just somebody who felt like being nice today. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. It made me smile and think of you and just the kindness of people in general. It was a great start to my new normal of a day. Thank you Starbucks stranger for making me smile.

I went to my therapy appointment with Sarah. It was good today, as always. I love that I feel like she knows you so well. It brings me comfort that in your last few days, she took the time to come to The Ryan House to sit with me and I let her peek in at you. Or the little shell that was left of you. She loves you. And me. The fact, that she knows you really did exist, and I didn’t just make you up in my head; makes me feel less crazy. Many days, a lot of days; I think you weren’t real. I always knew you were too good to be true. I always knew you weren’t mine to keep forever. My mind still tries to trick me into thinking you did not exist; as protection mostly.

I left Sarah’s and went straight to Dr. Joanne’s office. FUCK. Her session was hard today. Hard as in she tries to guide me to places I don’t want to go to; ever. The retelling in detail about you and your sickness. The way I felt when I finally knew you were going to die. She digs deep, but she does it in a way that it makes me feel safe, yet vulnerable. She has a gift and I know it is going to help me. I cannot deny my pain, anger, jealously, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, and worthlessness now that you are gone. She knows all too well what that feels like which is why I am tying really hard not to hold back with her. It is a lot of work though and I left there today, feeling like I had just relived losing you all over again.

They say scars fade over time…. I don’t think so. I honestly think they just become deeper, but you learn how to live with them and transform them into just being a part of you. Some people choose to hide them, cover them up, and some people may even pretend they disappear. I know this is not true. If I could, I would take a Sharpie Pen and color in all of my scars in black. I would make them say things like, “Fuck you, my child died.” “Cancer sucks.” “Please stop smoking, it really offends me.” I would fill in my scars with all of my angry words, but I would also have them say beautiful things too like, “He was the best thing to have ever been mine.” “Please be kind.” “Please help others.” “Please know how lucky you are, to have healthy kids.” “Please never take a second or your life with them for granted.” I could go on and on with the things I would write all over my body. I would leave them there for the rest of my life so then I could be a walking reminder to people to stop being so fucking ignorant and making up problems. To stop getting caught up in the petty bullshit, gossip, caring what other people think. If you are lucky enough to get to tuck all your babies in bed at night, then life should be beautiful every SECOND of the day. Enough of the wasting energy on things that do not really matter. Learn to be free. Learn to appreciate. Learn to truly be who you are.

I now have to figure out how to live my life this way, without my Ro baby. To me, that is the saddest thing that could ever happen to a person. I now have to make something “good,” come out of Ronan’s death. It is so trite, but as I have said before; I don’t have a fucking choice. I have to learn to live again, the way he would have wanted me to. Which is with fearlessness, feistiness, happiness, honesty, love, laughter, as the free spirit that I have always been; all while breaking a lot of rules and refusing to give in when I really just want to curl up and die. I have to find a new purpose, meaning, and higher power to my life. I have an idea of what it is…. I just have to heal myself a little more before I can fully commit. Go Big or Go Home, right Ro Baby. I know you know.

I’m leaving you tonight in the realist way I know how. With my honesty. You may not like it; but I know deep down, you all appreciate it. Thank you, my lovelies. Thank you for not being scared of the insanity of my brain after having lost a child. Thank you for being brave enough to let go of your world for a little while, to be immersed in mine. Love you all.

Warning: These are real life conversations I’ve had with people in the past few days. I’m only using first name initials, to protect the innocence of those who I hold dearest to my heart. If you’re going to be offended, worried, judgmental….. stop reading. If you choose to continue to read; don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is my life. My honest hell of a life and living inside of my head is worse than any mental institution could ever be. Here goes…….

Conversation via text message 1) I am the green. S is the white.

Gotta love a girl for trying. That S of mine. She is an angel on this earth. Although her words brought me little comfort, I love what she believes in her heart. But I am still telling God to fuck off.

Conversation 2) vía real life: (N) “What are you doing?” (Me) “Thinking about all the ways I can kill myself.” (N) A lot of yelling on her end…. I can’t remember the words she said, so I just started crying. (Me) “Fuck. You asked what I was doing. That is what I’m doing. Do you want me to start lying to you? You know I’m not really going to kill myself, N, because I’m on mommy duty, so guess what…. I’m going to pick my kids up at school, love them, take them for a play date, do their homework with them, laugh with them, feed them, read with them, and do all the normal mommy things that normal mommies get to do, without knowing what it’s like to have lost a child.”

Conversation 3) vía real life: (W) “What can I do to help you sleep?” (Me) “Blow my brains out.” (W) “You know I would if I thought that was best for you. But you have Liam and Quinn to take care of, and you know that would ruin their lives. (Me) “I know.”

I was told by someone, whom I’m not naming, that watching me is like watching a bird who has just had one of its wings clipped. I am like the little bird, whom is trying so hard, with its one wing to fly…. but it just doesn’t know if it can or not. It just doesn’t know if it wants to, again. This person thinks I am stuck in between those two places. Not knowing if I want to fly again, or if I just want to give up and stop trying. It was one of the most painfully, beautiful things I’ve ever had said to me in my life; because it is so spot on. Thank you, my dear friend. Thank you for never sugar coating and for being such a hard ass with me, but in the most gentle way possible.

Ronan, my baby. I’m so tired, that I cannot even see straight. I have to try to get some sleep. Please visit me tonight, but in a nice, peaceful way. PLEASE. I am desperate for you and one of your smiles and winks. I miss your squeaky voice, so, so much. I love you to the moon and back, baby. I hope you are safe.


One last thing::::::: The MISS Foundation. I cannot say enough amazing things about it. If you are looking to donate to something, other than Ronan’s Foundation, please donate to them. I can honestly say I was in a deep, black hole before I started seeing Dr. Joanne. I’m still there, but I swear I can see a little glimmer of sunshine peeking through. If you know someone who has lost a child…. when the time is right, please help them get help. It is one of the many things saving my life. It is going to take a team of people; I KNOW this. Dr. Joanne is absolutely inspiring in every way. I am finally starting to come to a place where I can see that I cannot do this alone. Nobody can. As strong as I think I am, I am self-aware enough to know that I need help. Thanks peeps. Sweet dreams. Kiss your babies. As in, get out of your beds, off of your computers, and go into their rooms, and kiss them now. RIGHT NOW. I know you all know how lucky you are. But I also know how easy it is to forget that it is a privilege, NOT a right, to be a parent to beautiful, healthy kids.



21 responses to “Excuse the rambling novel tonight… it’s just the screaming voices in my head”

  1. After all the rain of yesterday, it’s sunny here today. I hope you feel the sun today Maya. May it warm your face and soothe your soul. I have sent a wink to Ronan and here’s one just for you. 😉 xx

  2. Baby steps, day by day. You are doing all the right things. Keep loving those boys.our thoughts and prayers and love goes out to your entire family. I know it may not feel like it but you are making true progress, keep it up. Hope you had sweet Ronan dreams tonight.

  3. I heard this song today in the car and just thought of you http://youtu.be/b7k0a5hYnSI

    ❤ ❤ ❤

  4. Your honesty is nothing short of amazing. I wish I had something helpful to say. For now though, I’ll just say… thank you for sharing your rawness with all of us, and that I’m thinking of your and your family. I hope you got to see your sweet Ronan last night in your dreams.

  5. You are beautiful & amazing Maya. Thank you for the inspiration, honesty, & sass.

  6. Joanne is my she-ro. She has done for other mommies who have lost what I wish I would have been strong enough to do. Her daughter passed within days of mine. The coincidence is beyond unreal to me.
    You are right. The scars never go away. But over time, you don’t feel them with every single move you make.
    You know, I never received a death certificate for my daughter. It went straight to the mortuary. I started digging for it the other day and realized it was actually necessary for me to have one. To make her existence, as well as her passing, as real as they were. This is 16 years later, Maya. It has taken me that long to dig, to look, to be “ready.” I’m still not “ready” and I am certain that when the certificate shows up, it will bring me to my knees. But it was a turning point for me to get to that place. And, it was from looking at the MISS Foundation’s website a few weeks ago that I was motivated to order it.

  7. I love what S. said and she is right on! I am still reading….never offended because I understand. My heart hurts for you and I think of you often…..always praying for you.

  8. Thank you! I have always loved on my babe with my whole heart but because of you when I get home from work I love on him so much until he gets pissed off and whines to be put down. I go home and I tell my babies daddy about your beautiful son and your family and how I sobbed at my desk over your honest emotions and pictures of your gorgeous baby. He sometimes says why do you do this to yourself, Katie? And I say because Ronan’s mommy deserves to tell her story. She deserves to share her stories about her baby! Because she is struggling and needs to write and share and talk it out. I thank you for sharing with me and letting me listen. I hope I never have to experience this pain you are feeling. I can not even imagine but I am sending you a shit ton of love. Please keep trucking through. You are an amazing mother. All three of your boys are beautiful.

  9. This one really got to me. MK topped off the tissue. The message in the middle is so needed. My husband chews tobacco and lied about quitting. I found yet another hidden empty tin of chew and was enraged. This caused another argument. It has been rocky lately. I had no idea golfers were so into chewing. I thought it was a cowboy thing. I just have zero tolerance for this bullshit. Thank you for sharing. I have too many tears to come up with anything else. Gonna have to reapply some make up before my Target trip. I do have to tell you that there most be something sick and twisted in me because your response in two of those conversations gave me a giggle. I appreciate another saying it like it is kind of girl.

  10. Maya,

    Hoping today is an OK day!

    You are raw…and yet so real! so down to earth!

    I feel your pain and my heart aches for you.
    I feel your love for Rockstar Ro!
    I hope you have sweet dreams with Ro.

    Thinking of you, Rockstar Ro, Woody, Liam and Quinn.
    How are the boys adjusting to school?

    Peace and Strength Mama Bear!

  11. I thought of Ronan today……just randomly…..I was just done mowing my lawn if that makes any sense….and he popped into my head…this little guy, who is about the same age as my Noah….who I’ve never met, but feel him….I think how can someone so small….be so mighty….I’m a Christian….though sometimes I don’t think I am the best at it….and i Have to say, i’d probably want to tell God to F-off too…..if one of my most precious boys was mine no longer to hold and kiss…..so I know there is no way I could ever be offended or upset by anything you write….or feel…..I think you are as real as if I had lost him myself….and I guess really I did….we all did…this great big world….but yet, If he hadn’t left….I would never know….and never feel him….does that make any sense, and hopefully not in a creepy way….

    1. You just gave me goosebumps. And not in a creepy way:)

  12. I am glad you have an “S” in your life 🙂 She is right! I pray for you every day! I’m sure she does , too. I hope today is okay for you. I know something “good” will eventually come. God bless, in my thoughts…xoxo

  13. I Corinthians 13:12 “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”
    This verse has helped me. Basically stated, we cannot ever fully understand all the “why’s” of things in this crazy, messed up world. Someday, though, we will. Prayers always for you and your family…

  14. I just had a repairman at the house and I overheard him say, “it just doesn’t get much better than being me at this moment.” (sarcastically). I wanted so badly to say, “My friends lost their almost 4 year old to cancer. Stop the pity party, unless you know the pain of losing a child!”

  15. Never apologize for sharing your thoughts, Maya. Even the people who are the most uncomfortable with them will be moved to a new place because of them. I see where Ronan gets his mighty spirit. You are a gift to every mother who reads your honest words. Thank you from the depth of my Christian soul! ((((((((HUGS))))))))

  16. My tears this evening are not for Ro, but for you and your broken heart. Your words are so raw and honest, (and I hope cleansing & healing). Thank you for trusting us with your innermost thoughts & feelings. You and Ro have brought complete strangers from around the world to the same place. And even though we are all just strangers to you and each other, we are united in support for you and your family. So fall apart, ramble on, swear your sweet little heart out mamma! This Ro orchestrated crew is here to stay and remind you that you are loved, supported and very much needed. Without knowing it, you are speaking for us who have had similar loss. Hugs!

    1. Well said Lisa! 🙂

  17. I hate that Ronan is gone from this Earth…I just have to share that before any statement about his life and his passing impacting me in ways beyond my own understanding. Anyway, i just want you to know that he helped another mama EMBRACE the beauty and joy of her babies today….my boys (who happen to miss each other crazily with my biggest guy off for kg now) were giggling at things little boys giggle about and then giggling some more at the sound of their giggles. Giggling from deep in their bellies. Beautiful precious giggles…and I just stared and stared and stared at them, filled with joy. I was so present, not worried about any stupid dishes (and there were lots of them), emails, vmails, nothing in that moment….Ronan was responsible for that moment, I just felt him with us in some strange way…his big smile looking over us and LOVING that potty words and being together were the source of such joy. Wish I could have bottled it up and shipped some off to you. Thank you for continuing to share your journey, your story, Ro’s story with people like me. For helping me to be a better human. Love you, Maya.

  18. You know what scares me? I have been reading your blog for so long, I know exactly who you were talking to in those 3 conversations, even though you only put the first initials haha! 🙂 Love you Maya and as always, appreciate your honesty. You and Ro are BOTH rockstars in my book! 🙂

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