It’s funny how freedom, can make us feel contained

Ro baby. What have I been doing? I’m really not sure. A lot. Going, going, going. Life just passes by, in slow motion. What day is it? Who cares? Not me. It’s Monday. I had to think about that, but it is. I had a busy Monday. Your daddy took the boys to school, even though I was up and ready. That was nice of him to do for me. Sometimes, I need a break from the happiness that flows out of your brothers’ school. It still stings me. I got in my car, with many errands to do. Post office, Bank, Store, Dry Cleaners, blahblahblah. My little twinkle noise went off on my phone. It’s my special text message noise that I have for whenever Fernanda sends me a text. It only twinkles like this, when she calls. You know why. She asked where I was. I told her just leaving the house. She said she wanted to see me. I told her to meet me at the Starbucks in the Safeway I like to go to. She said o.k.

I sat there with my coffee, waiting for my ray of sunshine to appear. She did. I was so glad. She sat and had a conversation with the Starbucks lady, in Spanish; all while smiling the entire time. I sat back and just watched this little gem of mine. The way she treats everyone… and I mean, EVERYONE… is unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed before, in my life. She had the Starbucks woman laughing and smiling from ear to ear, as if they had been friends forever. It’s just pure KINDNESS, Ro. Plain and simple. It’s how everyone in the world should treat EVERYONE. She does it so effortlessly. So beautifully. So naturally.

She reminds me so much of you. Everything from her laugh to her sparkly eyes, to the old soul that lives inside of her body. She is one of the few people that my heart has never lost sight of throughout all of this. We spent the entire summer apart, didn’t talk or text much and I was so o.k. with that. I missed her, but we have such a deep connection that I never felt like I was without her. She is one of my secret weapons in all of this. I am so lucky to have her. She was so lucky to have you; and you her. I know you know all of this.

After I left Fernanda…. I went and checked off some of my “Shit List.” Check please. I functioned for a couple of hours like a normal person, trapped inside of a Zombies body. I came home, and just as I was going over some mail, a car pulled into the driveway. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I didn’t know who it was until she got out of the car. It was our dear, sweet Lisa. Apparently, I have not been calling her back and she has been worried. I have a hard time keeping up with the people who call me, listening to messages, and returning phone calls. Lisa wrapped her arms around me and held me for a bit. It felt nice but sad all at the same time. I hate to see the pain in other people’s eyes. It hurts every bone in my body. We sat quietly at our kitchen table. We watched through the kitchen window as a man approached the front door, and rang the doorbell. I knew it was a solicitor, but I didn’t want to be mean as he saw us sitting at the table. I went and answered the door.

He gave me his whole talk, all while dressed up in his nicest clothes, sweat pouring off of his head; trying to sell me some magazines. I let him talk, the whole thing lasted about 5 minutes. I told him no thank you, best of luck, but I just couldn’t do it today. I then felt really guilty. WTF, Maya. Just buy a magazine from him and make his day. As this thought was forming in my head, he goes, “Can I ask you why not. What did I do wrong? What can I do better next time? Is it my people talking skills? I’m trying to improve those.”

I just started crying. And not the cute crying, where a sweet little tear rolls down one cheek. Full on choking on my tears, sobbing. I told him that it was nothing that he did at all. I think I said something like, “I’m so sorry. It’s not you at all. It’s just my 3-year-old son just died of Cancer and I can’t pull it together enough to buy one of your magazines. I’m so sorry. You were wonderful.”

He took a step back. Stuttered on his words as he tried to find something to say. He told me how sorry he was, and that he would pray for you. I told him thank you and shut the door. I returned to Lisa, mumbled out some FUCKTHISSHIT swear words while wiping my eyes. She gave me another hug, made sure I was o.k. and told me she didn’t want to keep me as she knew I was wanting to head out to go Inferno Hiking. INFERNO HIKING or BUST today.

I drove to the mountain, in a furry of rage. Blinded by my anger. Made it there, somehow. I threw on my headphones. I think it was around 12:30 and the temp in my car read 112. Fuck it. I decided to run up the entire mountain today. No walking breaks at all. I think I tried to kill myself. I did not succeed. I made it to the top, in record time. My clothes were dripping wet, my eyes were burning, and my body was so hot that I could feel the heat from the ground, burning into the heels of my feet. I almost threw up but managed to somehow not to. Little M and T would have been proud.

I sat down on the bench, after I put down the small towel that I brought with me; on it. Even sitting on the towel today was so hot it scorched my skin. I sat anyway. I yelled out your name. A bunch of times, as if I was calling for you to come inside from playing. The wind picked up and I listened to the whispers all around me. I listened for the sound of your voice. I couldn’t hear you. I continued to scream and cry out loud for you. I looked up at the sky. The 2 Eagles, that always appear when I get to the top, were flying above me. In the exact same spot they always are. A mama and a baby from what I can tell. I smiled and watched them. I watched them until the one flew away and the other one continued to fly alone, above me. I was begging in my head for the mama to come back to the baby, so they could fly away together. She didn’t. The baby flew around for a few more minutes and went off in its own direction. To its own destination. It made me sad. I just wanted the mama and baby to be together. But we can’t always get what we want. I know that lesson better than anyone now.

It’s been a long day, babydoll. I’m supposed to be working on my homework for my grief session with Dr. J tomorrow. My All About Grief, worksheet. I’m sitting in your room, with your ashes on the floor next to me. I wish I could take you with me everywhere I go. I may just start walking around with your Urn with me. Taking it everywhere I go. OMG. Could you imagine the looks I would get. This is so cracking me up, that I may just do it. To break the rules, with you once again. How much do you dare me to take you to Safeway with me one day?So sick, so twisted, but such is this life now. I just told your Daddy about taking you with me to Safeway. He first looked at me like I had two heads; but then took it to a whole new level and said I should put you in a Baby Bjorn as well. He knows me so well, that he doesn’t even try to fight me on all of the nonsense I display. He made me laugh out loud when he said that. I have not laughed with at him in so long.

All I want is our life back, with you, so we can carry one, breaking our rules left and right. I just miss you so much. We all do. I’m going now, baby. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.


11 responses to “It’s funny how freedom, can make us feel contained”

  1. Keep up the laughter, together you all will be ok. Our love thoughts and prayers are always with your entire family.

  2. I am so glad that you have such wonderful friends!! They sure are hard to come by, and the ones that surround you seem fabulous!! That says a lot about YOU!!

  3. I love that you and Woody laughed together today! You totally made me giggle with the Baby Bjorn comment :)! At the end of my yoga class yesterday, the instructor told us to channel our positive energy to ourselves or to someone else who might need it…I channeled it to you, and I can only hope you got at least a sliver of it!

  4. What about getting one of those necklaces that are meant to hold ashes? Then you could take him with you everywhere without the stares from strangers! This site has some nice ones including a couple stars: or this site:–X96oCFeUZQgodjGGgLw

    Or if you know a good jeweler, maybe you can have one custom made in the shape of a little seal or hummingbird?

  5. I think of you and Ronan every day. I hope today you can find a glimmer of peace, hope and something to smile about. Praying for you! xoxo…

  6. Maya,

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!!!

    So glad to see a sliver of laughter between you and Woody 🙂

    Peace and strength

  7. Hi. I can understand why you cry out in your pain. I am glad that you do…it helps!

    I have been a long time fan of the art form/music from Sinéad O’Connor performing Nothing Compares 2 U

    Here is a link to the song/video:

    It’s an oldie but a goodie. She is controversial, but hey…aren’t we all in one way or another?

    I wish you well and hope that today treats you kindly.

  8. sending you lots of thoughts of peace, love and strengh!

  9. I too had a chuckle about the baby bjorn in safeway…so hard to figure out where Ronan got his ‘not spicy’ spirit from 😉 Praying today’s session goes really well with with dr. Joanne….I spent some time on her website and she seems amazing, like someone I imagine you would click with if you hadn’t met her this way. xo

  10. Thinking of you today…I did have to laugh at the Safeway idea. I actually laughed out loud while crying…you amaze me everyday. I know you probably get tired of that, but it’s true. I hope you all had an ok day today, and Ro visits you in your dreams tonight.


  11. I know that this is a kudo you would rather not have, but I want to thank you for your words you post everyday. i know it is often as painful as it is cathartic. Through your raw feelings that you choose to share with all of us, we have become connected as human beings, we have begun to see how one person reaching out can make a difference, we can see that we truly are not alone even though there are times we feel we are…or want to be. It does not take your pain away, but it really does change the world Mama Maya. You and Ronan, two people I have never met, are in my thoughts everyday. Ro’s energy really is a star that lights up the sky! My favorite quote:

    Even after all this time
    The sun never says to the earth,
    “You owe Me.”

    Look what happens with
    A love like that,
    It lights the Whole Sky – Hafiz

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