Ronan. I had planned on writing to you about all the things I’ve been doing this week to keep myself busy. Some really, really great things. I actually thought I was having an o.k. week. I’ve had some really great things happen that I was going to talk in full detail about. But right now, I can’t. Right now, I am sitting here listening to the rain pour down on the roof and I know it’s your tears, my tears, Teddy’s tears, and the tears of everyone that loved him. Teddy died today or this evening. I’m not sure when, but it happened not long ago. I was on my Facebook a couple of hours ago, checking in on him. The third thing to pop up was his little picture with his birthdate and the day he died on it which was today. Quinn was in my bedroom when this happened. I started punching some pillows. My phone rang. It was Macy. I didn’t answer it. (sorry, Mace) Quinn ran over to see who called me. I took my face and buried it in my hands and started to sob and sob and sob. Quinn saw. “Uhhhhh…. dad. Macy just called and mom is crying.” He ran out of the room to get your daddy. I just sat and cried with my face in my hands because I couldn’t do anything else. Your daddy came into the room and saw what was up on my computer screen. Quinn saw it, too. “Teddy died? That boy we met this summer?” Your daddy said yes, rubbed my back and told me he was sorry. They left the room after that so I could continue to weep for that precious baby boy, that reminded me so much of you.
I sat for a good 15 minutes and cried about Teddy. Liam came in the room and Quinn told him the news. “Oh. That’s sad,” Liam said. I got up out of bed. Your daddy left for a Christmas party. There was no way I was going to that. I would have went postal and ended up doing something totally psychotic, especially after hearing the Teddy news. I sent him on his way. Your brothers and I lit our menorah and said our own version of a prayer which is entirely made up of talking to you. I asked you to keep Teddy safe and that I knew you two would be great friends. Quinn said he hopes you two are playing together. Liam said he was sorry, he missed you and you were both wonderful boys and he hopes you are together. I tucked them both in while begging you in my head to keep your brothers healthy and with us for the rest of our lives. Please, Ronan. I can’t ever lose another child again… Keep them safe for me. I love them so much. Poppy too.
My days this week have been crazy. I made your daddy president of your foundation. I went to an AA meeting today to support a dear friend, not because I am an alcoholic. You know me and how I spit out wine because I think it tastes so disgusting, but today I was invited to sit in a room where I got to listen to a bunch of problems that for once, were so different than my own so I jumped at the chance. I sat and cried while listening to other people’s pain. It meant a lot to me to be able to go and support my friend. It’s the least I can do after how much she has supported me during all of this. Exciting things have been happening with this book. I had a phone conference today where I called up that awesome company Spirit Hoods and ran my idea past them about having them make a limited edition Spirit Hood in honor of you and all kids fighting cancer. www.spirithoods.com I told them my idea for a monkey one where the inside of paw will incorporate the Gold Ribbon so more people will know that the GOLD Ribbon represents childhood cancer. They are so on board and so excited. I was literally jumping up and down when I got off the phone with them. You loved your little spirit hood so much. I went to the PCH clinic today in honor of Taylor Swift’s birthday and passed out a bunch of her RED C.D.s, RED bracelets and all other things Taylor inspired. I got to see a bunch of our favorite faces and give them all big hugs. See, Ronan. Lots of good things are happening which is why I cannot listen to that voice screaming in my head that I cannot live in this world anymore. I don’t hear that voice very often anymore, but hearing the news about Teddy today maked me just want to curl up in a ball and die. But I won’t and I can’t because if I do, things like all the things I mentioned above, won’t get done. And bringing some smiles to some kids’ faces today who are dealing with this asshole called cancer will be enough to make me ignore that fucking voice that is telling me that all of this is just too painful.
I met a mom today. Another mom that lost her older son in a totally different way. I think he was about 19. I think she said it had been 9 years since he died. She said she used to read my blog, but had to stop because it became too sad. But she thanked me for it too and said it has helped so many people. We talked about a lot of things. And although it had been much longer since her son passed away, her pain was just as present as mine. It doesn’t go away or lesson. It is always there, and from the look in her eyes today, you would have thought her son had just died yesterday. I cried with her. I cried for her. I told her I was sorry. We made plans to get together. I really hope we do. We are in that fucked up club that feels so lonely most of the time. So when you find “another” who is like you, you latch on. At least I seem to do. We already have an instant bond that no parent wants in life, but as I am finding out, so many do.
It came up today that I had lost a child. The person that I was telling this to, automatically went to, “Oh, he’s an angel now!” 6 months ago, this would have left me speechless. Today, the little antennas went up on my head. The mama tiger in me came out and growled in the nicest way possible, “Well, he shouldn’t be. And I don’t want him to be. He should be here with me. No parent should have to be without their child.” I know this woman meant no harm. But I also know I have no tolerance for the stereotypical shit that gets said after people find out you have a dead kid. I am done playing the nice, sweet role where I politely smile and say, “Thank you for you kind words.” That leaves me feeling resentful in a way because I am not being true to myself because I am too worried about hurting other peoples feelings. I get it. People don’t know what to say when they hear you have lost a child. But you know what??? If you don’t know what to say, the best and simplest thing is to just say you are sorry. Those words are golden in my book. Solid gold.
Alright little man. It is pouring down rain. I know why. I hear you loud and clear. I’m sorry you and Teddy have to be friends somewhere else and it’s not here. Please take care of him. Please tell him to take care of his parents and his older brother the way you are taking care of all of us. I’m sorry, baby boy. I’m so very sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ronan and Teddy. I love you both.
P.S. Fuck you cancer. You are the biggest fuckwad I’ve ever met in my LIFE!