Dear Ronan and Teddy, I’m so sorry.

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Ronan. I had planned on writing to you about all the things I’ve been doing this week to keep myself busy. Some really, really great things. I actually thought I was having an o.k. week. I’ve had some really great things happen that I was going to talk in full detail about. But right now, I can’t. Right now, I am sitting here listening to the rain pour down on the roof and I know it’s your tears, my tears, Teddy’s tears, and the tears of everyone that loved him. Teddy died today or this evening. I’m not sure when, but it happened not long ago. I was on my Facebook a couple of hours ago, checking in on him. The third thing to pop up was his little picture with his birthdate and the day he died on it which was today. Quinn was in my bedroom when this happened. I started punching some pillows. My phone rang. It was Macy. I didn’t answer it. (sorry, Mace) Quinn ran over to see who called me. I took my face and buried it in my hands and started to sob and sob and sob. Quinn saw. “Uhhhhh…. dad. Macy just called and mom is crying.” He ran out of the room to get your daddy. I just sat and cried with my face in my hands because I couldn’t do anything else. Your daddy came into the room and saw what was up on my computer screen. Quinn saw it, too. “Teddy died? That boy we met this summer?” Your daddy said yes, rubbed my back and told me he was sorry. They left the room after that so I could continue to weep for that precious baby boy, that reminded me so much of you.

I sat for a good 15 minutes and cried about Teddy. Liam came in the room and Quinn told him the news. “Oh. That’s sad,” Liam said. I got up out of bed. Your daddy left for a Christmas party. There was no way I was going to that. I would have went postal and ended up doing something totally psychotic, especially after hearing the Teddy news. I sent him on his way. Your brothers and I lit our menorah and said our own version of a prayer which is entirely made up of talking to you. I asked you to keep Teddy safe and that I knew you two would be great friends. Quinn said he hopes you two are playing together. Liam said he was sorry, he missed you and you were both wonderful boys and he hopes you are together. I tucked them both in while begging you in my head to keep your brothers healthy and with us for the rest of our lives. Please, Ronan. I can’t ever lose another child again… Keep them safe for me. I love them so much. Poppy too.

My days this week have been crazy. I made your daddy president of your foundation. I went to an AA meeting today to support a dear friend, not because I am an alcoholic. You know me and how I spit out wine because I think it tastes so disgusting, but today I was invited to sit in a room where I got to listen to a bunch of problems that for once, were so different than my own so I jumped at the chance. I sat and cried while listening to other people’s pain. It meant a lot to me to be able to go and support my friend. It’s the least I can do after how much she has supported me during all of this. Exciting things have been happening with this book. I had a phone conference today where I called up that awesome company Spirit Hoods and ran my idea past them about having them make a limited edition Spirit Hood in honor of you and all kids fighting cancer. www.spirithoods.com I told them my idea for a monkey one where the inside of paw will incorporate the Gold Ribbon so more people will know that the GOLD Ribbon represents childhood cancer. They are so on board and so excited. I was literally jumping up and down when I got off the phone with them. You loved your little spirit hood so much. I went to the PCH clinic today in honor of Taylor Swift’s birthday and passed out a bunch of her RED C.D.s, RED bracelets and all other things Taylor inspired. I got to see a bunch of our favorite faces and give them all big hugs. See, Ronan. Lots of good things are happening which is why I cannot listen to that voice screaming in my head that I cannot live in this world anymore. I don’t hear that voice very often anymore, but hearing the news about Teddy today maked me just want to curl up in a ball and die. But I won’t and I can’t because if I do, things like all the things I mentioned above, won’t get done. And bringing some smiles to some kids’ faces today who are dealing with this asshole called cancer will be enough to make me ignore that fucking voice that is telling me that all of this is just too painful.

I met a mom today. Another mom that lost her older son in a totally different way. I think he was about 19. I think she said it had been 9 years since he died. She said she used to read my blog, but had to stop because it became too sad. But she thanked me for it too and said it has helped so many people. We talked about a lot of things. And although it had been much longer since her son passed away, her pain was just as present as mine. It doesn’t go away or lesson. It is always there, and from the look in her eyes today, you would have thought her son had just died yesterday. I cried with her. I cried for her. I told her I was sorry. We made plans to get together. I really hope we do. We are in that fucked up club that feels so lonely most of the time. So when you find “another” who is like you, you latch on. At least I seem to do. We already have an instant bond that no parent wants in life, but as I am finding out, so many do.

It came up today that I had lost a child. The person that I was telling this to, automatically went to, “Oh, he’s an angel now!” 6 months ago, this would have left me speechless. Today, the little antennas went up on my head. The mama tiger in me came out and growled in the nicest way possible, “Well, he shouldn’t be. And I don’t want him to be. He should be here with me. No parent should have to be without their child.” I know this woman meant no harm. But I also know I have no tolerance for the stereotypical shit that gets said after people find out you have a dead kid. I am done playing the nice, sweet role where I politely smile and say, “Thank you for you kind words.” That leaves me feeling resentful in a way because I am not being true to myself because I am too worried about hurting other peoples feelings. I get it. People don’t know what to say when they hear you have lost a child. But you know what???  If you don’t know what to say, the best and simplest thing is to just say you are sorry. Those words are golden in my book. Solid gold.

Alright little man. It is pouring down rain. I know why. I hear you loud and clear. I’m sorry you and Teddy have to be friends somewhere else and it’s not here. Please take care of him. Please tell him to take care of his parents and his older brother the way you are taking care of all of us. I’m sorry, baby boy. I’m so very sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ronan and Teddy. I love you both.

xoxo

P.S. Fuck you cancer. You are the biggest fuckwad I’ve ever met in my LIFE!

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When all else fails, go to a concert. Even when all you want to do, is hide under the covers.

Happy 4th of July, Ro baby. This is our second one, without you. Today was o.k. We didn’t put much pressure on making sure we were doing the traditional celebrating of the 4th of July. Traditional seems funny now, so we just kind of make up our own ways to get through the day. We all slept in. Macy is here and I always sleep better when she is around. She’s sleeping in your room which brings me comfort as well. We all slept in. We woke up and decided to go for Mexican food. It was a rainy day here which you know I loved. It made me smile. I had a little break down 10 second cry fest when I found myself in your closet, with Macy, grabbing sweatshirts as I keep most of my winter things, in with yours. We were smushed together, in your closet, with your little clothes, hats, and shoes surrounding us. “I can’t be in here,” Macy said as tears started to form. I just told her I knew and we grabbed our things and got out of your closet as fast as we could. Your brothers and daddy were waiting for us so there wasn’t much time to let the tears pour that were wanting to so badly. I had to pull it together for everyone despite the fact that all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball in your closet and not come out for the entire day. I didn’t. We went for Mexican food like we had planned. After that we came home and Macy and I ran out the the grocery store. I know you know how much I used to love to cook. It was one of my favorite things to do. I don’t do it very much anymore. It’s hard for me to concentrate on things and cooking for everyone, while you are dead, makes me sick to my stomach. It’s one of the mental blocks in my head that I just can’t seem to get past. I was determined today to make your daddy and brothers a good meal. I grabbed my Julia Child cookbook and jotted down a recipe. I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening cooking away in our kitchen while I listened to the sounds of Macy’s giggles, Quinn begging to help, while your daddy and Liam played some video game. Your daddy kept saying how good the house smelled but I can honestly tell you, I couldn’t smell a thing. I felt like I was on autopilot mode as all I wanted to do was make it through cooking dinner, without burning a thing due to my brain that forgets to pay attention a lot. Mission complete and all I heard was how good everything turned out. It was bittersweet to spend the day cooking away without you sitting on the counter, to help me the way you used to love to do. I miss that so much.

I started that post a few days ago, little man. Much has happened since then. I had a board meeting. I spent much of the day, cooking away for it as we had it at our house where much of our meetings, take place. Macy is still here. She helped me in the kitchen all day. The meeting was great and really productive. A lot of decisions were made in regards to the event we are having for your on September 29th here at The W Hotel in Scottsdale. I think it is going to be really, really great. Our lovie, Charisma, offered to fly in and host the event for us as we wanted to have a celebrity host. I was so relieved when she offered to do this for me. It means so much to me having her be a part of this just for so many reasons but the biggest one of all being that she really knew you, loved you and continues to be such a strong support system in my life. I am excited about the plans we are putting in place. More on that as we figure them out. I promise to keep you all in the loop:)

Yesterday was a hard day for some reason. I dropped your brothers off at basketball camp and ran some errands with Macy. We stopped at Rita’s for a bit to talk about some things with her and see that little Dragon of hers as well. I played Star Wars with him on the floor and he made me be Master Yoda. You would have liked it. It was too much for Macy to watch so she had to leave the room. Little Dragon went down for a nap and I joined Macy and Rita in the livingroom. I guess I was being quiet. Rita looked at me and said, “Are you going to cry?” I put on my tough face and said, “No. I’m just thinking.” Lies. I had been on the verge of a massive tear fest all day long. We left Rita’s as we had some things to do before our Foster the People concert. I was driving in the car with Macy and it was pretty quiet. We were listening to some C.D. that I had playing. One of my favorite songs came on, “Silver Coin,” by Angus and Julia Stone. Macy said how she had never heard the song before. I told her how it was one of my favorites. We listened and soon my face was covered in the wet, salty tears that I am so familiar with as they sometimes never seems to stop. She looked over at me, didn’t say a word, and just started rubbing my shoulders and held my hand. I knew she was crying too. We pulled over in the Biltmore parking lot and just sat for a good 45 minutes, not talking much at first, but just crying for a long time. We stayed that way until Rita got to our car as we were supposed to meet her for a little girly time, before the concert. Rita looked at me in the car and said, “Why do you always say you are o.k., when you are not?” I just told her, “Because I am never o.k.” The tears continued to fall and the plans that we had, were changed. A new plan of some girly time on a couch at a restaurant happened instead where we sat and talked, laughed, and cried. I was not feeling like going to the concert at all. Rita told me that I didn’t have to go. I told her yes I did. Because if I didn’t go, I would die. She said she knew. She got my metaphor.

We parted ways and all met up at our house. A group of us went to the concert. Me, your Daddy, Macy, Rita, Danielle, Dave, Stacy, Kenny, Carolyn, and Cory. My sadness was still heavy but I was able to let go of it during the night for a bit to get lost in the world that I love and adore so much. Music. My escape. My heart. My happiness. It destroys me that you never got to hear Foster the People as their C.D. came out after you passed away. I know you would have been just as obsessed with them, as I am. I spent the rest of the evening singing and dancing my heart out with the friends that I am so lucky to have. It was just what I needed lift the heaviness that I carry around with me 24 hours a day. It’s morning now. I am hoping today will be a little less sad. I am thinking I see some inferno hiking happening. Macy has been begging to be introduced to it. Today will be a good day as you know that exercise is one of the things that makes me feel better.

I love you, little man. I hope you are safe. I miss you so very much. I’m so very sorry.

xoxo

Maya decides not to die.

Ronan. I saw your Dr. JoRo today. It’s been way too long. It was a catch up session and a pow wow session combined. She wanted to know what’s been going on, if I’ve had quiet time, how I’m feeling, etc….. I told her today that I think I have decided that I’m not going to kill myself. She hardly flinched when I told her this as I think she already knows this. I guess I’ve known this for a while too….. but sometimes I think it would be nice to take the easy way out, so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this pain. I get tired of it. But then I think of your face and how unfair that would be to you…. not to mention your daddy and brothers. And Dr. JoRo and Sparkly. And a whole lot of other people who love me. I could never be so selfish to actually do something like that. But I do think about it. Not a lot, but it does comes up. I’ll bet you it comes up with any parent who has lost a child. I’ll bet it is just part of this process. It almost seems natural due to being left here, expected to survive such extreme circumstances while everyone else goes on with their day-to-day lives. I won’t ever be able to go back to the day-to-day normal life that existed before all of this. Every single thing I do involves thinking about you, missing you, and hurting for you. Whether it be folding the laundry or how I am plotting to take over this world with my evil plans that often involve the fuck word that I love so much and seems to offend so many people. Bahahahahaha!!! That was my best, evil laugh. Fucking fuck little dude. People are sick and want to see me fail. I fully get that. It’s just the way this world works. I don’t have much to say to that because it’s not really worth my words. I just feel sorry for them and the things in life that they choose to HIDE behind. What a pitiful life. All I’m trying to do here is spread the RoLove and maybe help save some cancer babes lives while I’m at it. But I understand how that could seem so evil as I am not doing this the traditional route. I’m choosing to do this my way or the highway and anybody who has a problem with that can SUCK IT MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!! Traditional is not my style when it comes to, “Oh, I’m sorry, but my son died of cancer so let’s just sit back and be nice about it while I shut the fuck up and don’t be vocal about it so things don’t ever change.” Gag me.

People are scared of different. They would rather sit back and judge and hide instead. Uhhhh…… hate to break it to ya, but nobody normal, ever really changed the world. It’s always the rule breakers, the outside of the box thinkers, the passionate ones, the one’s who don’t take NO for an answer, the one’s who FIGHT back not slink away, the “crazy,” ones. It’s not the let’s play it safe guys and do everything the same exact way, that everyone else is doing, or let’s just not do anything at all. That won’t change a thing. I’m not here to follow anyone’s else’s lead, unless you are a rule breaker too, then we can talk. I’m here to listen. I’m here to be inspired. I’m here to watch the way some other very inspiring people are doing things differently in life. I’m here to grab onto the hands of the people who are willing to do things differently as well. It will take an army to change things, I know this which is why I am sitting back and quietly observing a lot. It’s as if I’m seeing a whole new world of people out there. They are so beautiful that it’s blinding. In a good way. It’s feels so good to be blinded by the sparkling lights of the human soul.

Do you wanna know one of the sparkling lights that I am blinded by every single day? So much so that she is in my daily thoughts because I love her that much. My Dr. JoRo. In my dream of all dreams, and I have many, she is in each one of them. I would walk through fire for her. If money were no object, I would give childhood cancer funding and her MISS Foundation, everything I had. The fact that she has to work so hard, for the funding she gets, which is not a lot for all she does, is such bullshit. Everyone should be supporting her. She is saving the lives of all these parents in the world who are just tossed out into the streets, so scared and vulnerable. She is fighting the good fight and how in the world isn’t EVERYBODY supporting her? She is not doing this to make money or line her pockets like so many other organizations out there. Ummm, hello…. Dr. JoRo does not even take a salary from the MISS Foundation. She is THAT kind of a human being. She is an anomaly in this world. She could give a flying fuck about making money for herself. She wants to help others and that’s it. There is no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get and what you get. And what you get is one of the SMARTEST, KINDEST, PASSIONATE and BADASS souls that I swear to you Ro, has ever existed. She is my Gandhi. I need you to watch over her. I need her to be here with me for a very long time because we have a lot of work to do, together. I know Chey is watching over everything she does so she really is in the best hands possible; but I know you are helping out now too. I know you are the one who led me to her. Yes, I got your little sign. The JoRo sign. It’s not a coincidence that her middle name is ROse, baby. I know that. Thank you.

I not only go into Dr. JoRo’s office to talk about death, grief and all things painful. We also talk a lot about life things, which was probably one of her biggest clues that I had decided not to off myself. I guess when you are talking about the future, it means you are less likely to kill yourself. At least in my case. I’m not the grief expert or anything, but this would seem to make sense. Today, I went in there and we discussed an email I had shared with her that I had written out. Today, I went in there with “I have an idea. A really, really big idea….” I have a lot of these ideas in my head that I am so excited about, I want to scream them from the rooftops and go jumping right in, but I understand it is easier said then done. In my mind, everyone should just hear my ideas and say, “Yes! You are a genius! Here is your 100 million dollars! Let’s start saving all these cancer babes!” Dr. JoRo quickly brought me back to reality in the most tender, caring way. By saying, “I absolutely think you can get this done, but let’s cross off X,Y, and Z to get there first and I will help you. This has to be a really well, thought out plan. So, let’s sit down with this dream of yours and figure out what it is we need to do, to make it happen.”

I like a plan. A plan says your serious. And I am serious in the most serious way possible; with everything I have. With everything that is you. But I understand there has to be logic, rules and structure in place as well. I can play by the rules with some things, but I will keep it extra spicy for you too of course just to put your little spin on things. Lots of big dreams all inspired by you and all the other kids and families we’ve been touched by. Cancer peeps and non cancer peeps. It’s amazing to see the movement you are creating.

There is no dream that is big enough for you, Ronan. I promise you that. I promise you, we will get this done. This is what you want. I know it. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. I’m going to try to get some sleep. My new motto is, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” I said this to your favorite lovie the other night. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t like it. He thinks I need my sleep. I will try to listen to that voice of reason of his that seems to be the one I listen to. And yours. Although, I feel like yours is always pushing me not to listen and to break the rules. You are so spicy. G’nite baby doll. I love you to the moon and back. G’nite little RoFriends. You are the best for believing in us and for letting Ro make you better people. I love you.

xoxo

Because Kids get Cancer, too.

 

Ronan. September 1st. Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. How many people out there, are aware? Not enough. Or if they are aware, they are choosing to ignore it. Assholes. If everyone was AWARE and not IGNORING it, you may still be here. I truly believe that. Was I that unaware Asshole? Totally. Do I wish I still were? If it meant having you here? Absolutely. I would give anything to have you back. You know this. I would sell my soul do the Devil in a heartbeat. It would be so much better than being trapped here, without you. But someone else had other ideas. I don’t like it, but I have to start to accept it; a bit more and more, everyday.

Otherwise, I am going to turn into that bitter mama who is mad at the world. Who has EVERY right to be mad at the world and to turn her back on everything. I don’t want to end up this way, but sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier than to continue on this fight. I know I don’t have a choice, Ro. I know I have to make a difference even when people tell me that I DON’T have a responsibility to anyone but myself, your brothers and your daddy. I know this is not true. I know I still have a responsibility to you. I have to make a difference because this is what you would have wanted. I know you want me to find a bigger purpose in this world than just worrying about if my ass looks big in my LuLu Lemon gym shorts and what to cook for fucking dinner. I know you want me to leave your mark, everywhere. I have no choice but to honor you in the biggest way I can. That means that I will fight this fight until people start to listen. Until huge companies, start to honor Childhood Cancer, the way they do Breast Cancer. Until people stop turning their cheeks because it can’t happen to them. Fuck you. It can. I hope it NEVER does. But I hope if it does, you never have to walk in my shoes because I am going blaze the trails so that Childhood Cancer does start to get the attention and funding that it deserves. So that one day, there WILL be a CURE. So beautiful families, don’t have to watch helplessly as their child dies even after they have done all they can do. The best they could have done. The best will never be enough, because you still died, Ro. I will always feel the guilt of this inside of me. I will never understand why my love was not enough to save you. It should have been. But it wasn’t because Childhood Cancer is that ugly. That real. That scary, that it can change everything in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry. If you choose to ignore it, it cannot happen to you. Bullshit. I am like a flashing, neon sign now people. If you cannot stand to hear this story, because it is too sad, than stop reading, because you are NOT worthy of knowing this beautiful love story. You are not worthy of watching the beauty that is going to come out of losing the most beautiful boy in the world. If you are strong enough to be here, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love each and every one of you. I need your help, more than ever. You are all going to help in this fight for Ronan and thousands of other children, who deserve a voice. I feel so blessed that Ronan has touched your lives, even if many of you did not know him. If you are not going to be the loudest cheerleader for me, Ro, or thousands of other precious kids who are going through this…. just knowing that you feel like I have made you love your babies, your family, friends, appreciate the little things more…. still means so much to me. Just knowing that it is because of my Ro, that you feel this way… makes me feel like I am capable of making this world a better place.

I know I have a big job ahead of me, but I feel as if my head is becoming a little clearer, more and more everyday. I feel like the fog is being lifted. I’ve stopped all of my medications. All of them. Even the sleepy meds. Cold Turkey, YO! Just because everyone told me I couldn’t do it, and I shouldn’t do it. Well, I did. I am finally starting to feel free again. I am taking Melatonin to help me sleep. I should have listened to my Mr. Sparkly Eyes at the beginning of all of this as he was always suggesting it. Of course, I had to learn the hard way. Thank GOD for Stacy and for bringing that bottle over to my house the other night. Don’t get me wrong…. my sleep is still not wonderful. I still toss and turn. I still wake up, screaming and crying for you. I am still having very vivid, and mostly awful dreams. But it’s not any worse than it was while I was on my prescription sleeping pills. And at least this Melatonin, is a natural substance. I am a fighter and I will fight though this. I refuse to become one of those moms who ends up going through something awful and becoming addicted to prescription meds. No judgement at all. I just know that is not for me. It is not the way I want to live this life. I want to feel, as painful as it may be. I don’t want to be numb.

I’m in the best place I can be, as of now. It’s not good and I know this. I know I am being hard on myself which is why I’ve named this phase of grief, the Phase of Torture. I am doing a lot of things that are not good for me. Not eating, pushing myself on my Inferno Hikes, throwing up a lot if I do eat, second guessing everything we did for you, mentally beating myself up…… But I am here, I am getting up out of bed, I am being a good mom to your brothers, I am being honest, I am going to a lot of therapy, I am feeling. I AM FEELING. I have not felt for a very long time. I was numb and in shock. I still have those feelings some days, but they are less and less.

Ro. I fell asleep about an hour or so ago, but now I am up again due to my dreams. I hate them. They never involve you, and they are always so scary, sad, and mean. Kind of like my everyday life without you now. Where are you and who is taking care of you? Who is brushing your teeth, rubbing your little back, and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to you? It’s not me. I hate this.

I’ve written to you for days now. Not being able to finish. I have too much to say, too little to say, too many scary things going through my mind, that I don’t want to say. I’m feeling tired, sad, and angry. I’m trying to do my best, to stay positive. Walking through this life without you by my side is utter torture. You spent 4 years attached to my hip. Trying to go on with you gone now, hurts so much. And some days, I just don’t want to do it anymore. I just want to be with you again. I’ll never understand, why it had to be you…. why did you have to be the one to be taken away. Who would be so cruel to do such a thing? I don’t want this life lesson. I don’t want to be grateful for all the little things because I don’t have you anymore. I just want you back. I think I may have to throw up now. We are all here, tucked away in our quiet house for the night. You are not with us anymore and everything about our lives is so different, in the most awful way. I wish I really had an arm missing, or half of my face…. anything but you.

This weekend has been a blur. Lots of family time. We had Kenny, Stacy and the kids over last night. Always good to be with them as they are like family and they just get it. They know how much we need them and they have been such amazing friends to us. I was in a foul mood, talking trash to your Daddy….. being a tough ass. I had a good talk with Stacy, who tried to reason with me a bit. There was no reasoning last night and I usually listen to her. I told her how I didn’t understand how I was just expected to go on and just go about normal things now. Like how could I possibly go on a trip with your Daddy in a few weeks? A trip. Are you fucking kidding me? This is a trip we’ve taken together for years now… and I am supposed to go in a few weeks. Is everyone on crack? This is NOT a normal year. Normal things do not exist yet. Will they ever again? No. But I need some time. I cannot just be thrown back into this life, and be expected to do things that I have done before, in the past, when you were among the living. You just left this earth. I am still here, and trying to figure out how to navigate my way through the fucking grocery store. How am I supposed to hop on a flight to Vegas in a few weeks??? It seems like a sick joke to me. I tried to go to the race tracks in Del Mar over the summer and almost had to be hauled off to the loony bin because I could not handle all the obnoxious people, smoking everywhere, in their stupid hats and clothes. And going to Vegas, during a normal year has never really been my cup of tea. I can stand that place for about 24 hours, on a good day. Can you imagine how I would freak out, going there this year…. it gives me anxiety just thinking about it. If I go, I’m going to wear a shirt that says something like, “My son just died, but let’s gamble anyway.” WTF people?!?! I just want to be left alone. I just want my time to grieve for you. I don’t want to go to Vegas, I don’t want Thanksgiving, I don’t want the weekends anymore, I don’t want to pretend like this is getting easier….. because it is not. Why is everyone acting like just because it’s been almost 4 months, that I need to be moving on, and starting to feel better. I WILL NEVER FEEL BETTER. That I can guarantee you. Do you know what a good day for me is like now? Let me just tell you. A good day now, is a day when my throat does not feel like it is going to close up and I am going to just suffocate to death. A good day is when I can actually swallow, without it hurting. A good day is when I can actually eat a meal, and keep it down. A good day is when I can put on a happy face, and check off some of the things on my shit list. I’ve come up with a new saying that I have adapted. Fake it till you make it. Yup. I’m faking it everyday that I am up out of bed and being productive because I don’t want to be at all. I don’t want any of this life without you.

Did you know Ro, that my mind is so distraught from losing you, that I cannot remember any happy memories of you? My mind cannot even go there. The PTSD is real and it is part of what I am going through now. I’ve talked to all of my therapists about it. They all agree.

 

PTSD can cause many symptoms. These symptoms can be grouped into three categories:

1. Re-experiencing symptoms:

  • Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
  • Bad dreams
  • Frightening thoughts.

Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.

2. Avoidance symptoms:

  • Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
  • Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past

Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.

3. Hyperarousal symptoms:

  • Being easily startled
  • Feeling tense or “on edge”
  • Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.

Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.

It’s natural to have some of these symptoms after a dangerous event. Sometimes people have very serious symptoms that go away after a few weeks. This is called acute stress disorder, or ASD. When the symptoms last more than a few weeks and become an ongoing problem, they might be PTSD. Some people with PTSD don’t show any symptoms for weeks or months.

I relive what I went through with you, over and over through the day. I don’t have any other memories of you as of now, besides you being sick, you dying, and the love we had for each other. I am trying to work past this but as of now, I’m stuck. Maybe that’s why I cannot dream about you. I’m stuck in such an awful place in my mind, trapped in between awful memories, and my reality, which is Hell on Earth.

I went Inferno Hiking at 1:00 today. Nobody else was on the mountain. It was nice but I hardly remember any of it. I have decided that the reason I love it so much is because it is so painful. So hot that my socks burn the bottom of my heels. It is dangerous and it is the only time during my days that I have to let go of the memory of you not being here. When I am on my run, down the mountain, I have to stay so sharp, so focused on what I am doing…. because one wrong step and it is goodbye Maya, hello broken arm and face plant into the sharp, burning rocks. Bring it on.

I know you know about my intuition that I have had my entire life, Ro. But here is just another example. As I was driving home from The Inferno today, I started thinking about the neighbors that we brought flowers to, on your Random Day of Kindness. I was getting close to their house and I was beating myself up, because when we met them, they told us about their baby girl that they had lost. Their sweet baby girl, whom never even made it out of the hospital. I knew that she passed away sometime in August and I started getting really mad at myself because I could not remember the date, and I had really wanted to put a card in their mailbox, just to let them know I was thinking about them. It’s September now, so I knew that the time had passed and I was so disappointed at myself for forgetting. As soon as I got home, I parked the car and went to get the mail. I pulled it out, I saw a letter addressed to me, from our neighbors. That is weird, I thought to myself, as I had just spent the past 4 minutes, thinking obsessively about them and their baby girl. I ripped open the letter and it was from the wife. She had taken the time to write me a beautiful letter, more about who they are, who their kids are, and how the daughter that they lost, would have been 22 this year. I started to sob. It was such an honest, beautiful, and kind letter. She wrote to me about how she had read my blog before meeting me, and that I had seemed so strong from my words. But then when she saw me, face to face, that I seemed so fragile. She gets it. She knows why I look that way. It’s because she is a mother, who has lost her little girl. It’s almost like a secret handshake that we have. She can easily see the pain in my eyes, when others cannot. Getting that letter today, reminded me that for as fragile as I am…. I still cannot give up on this life. That I cannot give up on myself. I am on to something with the way I have some of these things in life figured out. I need to listen to my instincts a little more and trust in myself that the path that I am on, is going to lead me to where I was meant to go. As much as I want to fight this stupid life now… I have too much to go on for. You are still my number one reason for living. You are keeping me alive, Ronan. You will take me when you are ready and I just need to trust and believe in that. It is the only thing I trust and believe in anymore.

I’m going to go baby. This has turned into a novel. I hope it even makes sense. I love you so much. To the moon and back, forever and ever. Sweet dreams little one. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

This made me laugh. I will take a laugh wherever I can get it:)

 

It’s funny how freedom, can make us feel contained

Ro baby. What have I been doing? I’m really not sure. A lot. Going, going, going. Life just passes by, in slow motion. What day is it? Who cares? Not me. It’s Monday. I had to think about that, but it is. I had a busy Monday. Your daddy took the boys to school, even though I was up and ready. That was nice of him to do for me. Sometimes, I need a break from the happiness that flows out of your brothers’ school. It still stings me. I got in my car, with many errands to do. Post office, Bank, Store, Dry Cleaners, blahblahblah. My little twinkle noise went off on my phone. It’s my special text message noise that I have for whenever Fernanda sends me a text. It only twinkles like this, when she calls. You know why. She asked where I was. I told her just leaving the house. She said she wanted to see me. I told her to meet me at the Starbucks in the Safeway I like to go to. She said o.k.

I sat there with my coffee, waiting for my ray of sunshine to appear. She did. I was so glad. She sat and had a conversation with the Starbucks lady, in Spanish; all while smiling the entire time. I sat back and just watched this little gem of mine. The way she treats everyone… and I mean, EVERYONE… is unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed before, in my life. She had the Starbucks woman laughing and smiling from ear to ear, as if they had been friends forever. It’s just pure KINDNESS, Ro. Plain and simple. It’s how everyone in the world should treat EVERYONE. She does it so effortlessly. So beautifully. So naturally.

She reminds me so much of you. Everything from her laugh to her sparkly eyes, to the old soul that lives inside of her body. She is one of the few people that my heart has never lost sight of throughout all of this. We spent the entire summer apart, didn’t talk or text much and I was so o.k. with that. I missed her, but we have such a deep connection that I never felt like I was without her. She is one of my secret weapons in all of this. I am so lucky to have her. She was so lucky to have you; and you her. I know you know all of this.

After I left Fernanda…. I went and checked off some of my “Shit List.” Check please. I functioned for a couple of hours like a normal person, trapped inside of a Zombies body. I came home, and just as I was going over some mail, a car pulled into the driveway. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I didn’t know who it was until she got out of the car. It was our dear, sweet Lisa. Apparently, I have not been calling her back and she has been worried. I have a hard time keeping up with the people who call me, listening to messages, and returning phone calls. Lisa wrapped her arms around me and held me for a bit. It felt nice but sad all at the same time. I hate to see the pain in other people’s eyes. It hurts every bone in my body. We sat quietly at our kitchen table. We watched through the kitchen window as a man approached the front door, and rang the doorbell. I knew it was a solicitor, but I didn’t want to be mean as he saw us sitting at the table. I went and answered the door.

He gave me his whole talk, all while dressed up in his nicest clothes, sweat pouring off of his head; trying to sell me some magazines. I let him talk, the whole thing lasted about 5 minutes. I told him no thank you, best of luck, but I just couldn’t do it today. I then felt really guilty. WTF, Maya. Just buy a magazine from him and make his day. As this thought was forming in my head, he goes, “Can I ask you why not. What did I do wrong? What can I do better next time? Is it my people talking skills? I’m trying to improve those.”

I just started crying. And not the cute crying, where a sweet little tear rolls down one cheek. Full on choking on my tears, sobbing. I told him that it was nothing that he did at all. I think I said something like, “I’m so sorry. It’s not you at all. It’s just my 3-year-old son just died of Cancer and I can’t pull it together enough to buy one of your magazines. I’m so sorry. You were wonderful.”

He took a step back. Stuttered on his words as he tried to find something to say. He told me how sorry he was, and that he would pray for you. I told him thank you and shut the door. I returned to Lisa, mumbled out some FUCKTHISSHIT swear words while wiping my eyes. She gave me another hug, made sure I was o.k. and told me she didn’t want to keep me as she knew I was wanting to head out to go Inferno Hiking. INFERNO HIKING or BUST today.

I drove to the mountain, in a furry of rage. Blinded by my anger. Made it there, somehow. I threw on my headphones. I think it was around 12:30 and the temp in my car read 112. Fuck it. I decided to run up the entire mountain today. No walking breaks at all. I think I tried to kill myself. I did not succeed. I made it to the top, in record time. My clothes were dripping wet, my eyes were burning, and my body was so hot that I could feel the heat from the ground, burning into the heels of my feet. I almost threw up but managed to somehow not to. Little M and T would have been proud.

I sat down on the bench, after I put down the small towel that I brought with me; on it. Even sitting on the towel today was so hot it scorched my skin. I sat anyway. I yelled out your name. A bunch of times, as if I was calling for you to come inside from playing. The wind picked up and I listened to the whispers all around me. I listened for the sound of your voice. I couldn’t hear you. I continued to scream and cry out loud for you. I looked up at the sky. The 2 Eagles, that always appear when I get to the top, were flying above me. In the exact same spot they always are. A mama and a baby from what I can tell. I smiled and watched them. I watched them until the one flew away and the other one continued to fly alone, above me. I was begging in my head for the mama to come back to the baby, so they could fly away together. She didn’t. The baby flew around for a few more minutes and went off in its own direction. To its own destination. It made me sad. I just wanted the mama and baby to be together. But we can’t always get what we want. I know that lesson better than anyone now.

It’s been a long day, babydoll. I’m supposed to be working on my homework for my grief session with Dr. J tomorrow. My All About Grief, worksheet. I’m sitting in your room, with your ashes on the floor next to me. I wish I could take you with me everywhere I go. I may just start walking around with your Urn with me. Taking it everywhere I go. OMG. Could you imagine the looks I would get. This is so cracking me up, that I may just do it. To break the rules, with you once again. How much do you dare me to take you to Safeway with me one day?So sick, so twisted, but such is this life now. I just told your Daddy about taking you with me to Safeway. He first looked at me like I had two heads; but then took it to a whole new level and said I should put you in a Baby Bjorn as well. He knows me so well, that he doesn’t even try to fight me on all of the nonsense I display. He made me laugh out loud when he said that. I have not laughed with at him in so long.

All I want is our life back, with you, so we can carry one, breaking our rules left and right. I just miss you so much. We all do. I’m going now, baby. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo