Chicky Check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self


Ronan. Guess what I am doing, as I am writing to you? I am totally living on the edge…. behaving in such a self-destructive way. I am drinking a Coke at 10:00 at night, AND, eating those Extreme Airheads that you used to love. I am so on a path to self-destruction, that it is not even funny. Please baby. If this is living on the edge to me, after losing you…. I think I am going to be o.k. I have a cabinet full of booze that I never touch. If I was doing that, which I SO have every right to do…. than my lovelies could be concerned. But I am not. I am not going to lie. I had some hard things said to me tonight. Hard as in they were honest feelings from an angel of mine, who is just worried about me…. because of this blog. I get it. Most people would choose to live this out privately and not share their innermost thoughts with a worldwide web of strangers. But most of these people, who are worried that this blog is not healthy; have never lost a child. Thank god. I have people who are worried that I am not grieving properly, as if there is a right way or a wrong way to do this. But I took the honest words that were said to me tonight, and sat with them for a while. I questioned myself, for about 2 seconds. I had a total anxiety attack and called Tricia, bawling, hysterically. I often feel like I am being selfish for just putting this all out there, not caring of about who I am worrying, or even hurting, because of my raw, real, pain. I get it. I get that most people would choose to be quiet and not put everything out there that I am. I sat with Tricia and asked her if she thought I as sacrificing my family for all of this. If she thought I was being disrespectful to my Woo and my boys. I had a moment of panic wash over me that maybe, I am really an awful human being, to be so open and honest because my family is my number one priority; and I would never want to hurt them. She played Devils Advocate with me for a while, but ended up telling me that if I am being true to myself, than that is all that matters. And I am. Everyone grieves in a different way. I grieve every second of the day, and it is only at night that I am able to take my grief and write these words out that I don’t feel the pain that I feel all day long. It is my release. Is my stuff hard to read, especially when you are close to me? I can only imagine. But it is the truth and I know the truth scares the shit out of people. Is it too raw and real? Absolutely. But I have made a decision to continue on. It feeds my soul. I am not a quiet mouse who is going to shrink away in a corner and pretend and give a generic answer that we are doing fine. We are not, but I would love to see someone who is after going through something like this. We are trying to do the best we can. Which is why I am getting out of bed everyday, tending to my twins’ every needs. Which is why I am seeing 3 different therapists, as well as one with Woody and the twins. I am being pro-active about what we need to do, individually and as a family. I am proud of us, despite the people who don’t agree. For us, this is how we are dealing with this. With much honesty, love, truth, boldness, sadness, tears, all while trying to do normal things like a lot of family time.

I am not going to sit back and be quiet. Ronan would never want that. This is my time, that I actually feel happy and passionate and so connected to Ronan. I told Tricia, I don’t care if the only thing to come from my writing is making someone smile over the Starbucks I bought for a random stranger in front of me today. In my heart, I know that making someone smile over a free drink is really only something small; but it still made me feel good. I don’t get to feel good anymore; so little things like that help. Or how when I was running the other night, and we had a bad wind storm. In the middle of my run, I noticed someone in our neighborhood’s Recycling Bin fell over and papers and mail were scattered all over the street and the can was tipped upside down. I almost ignored it and continued my run. But I just couldn’t do it. I took the 10 minutes to stop, pick up all the papers, bills, school work, and used all the strength in my body to lift that full, heavy, Recycling Bin back up and put all the things back inside that were scattered all over the street. Would I have done this before all of this? I’m ashamed to say, probably not. I would have just chosen to ignore it and continued on my run, so caught up in my head. But I could not ignore it, and I have you to thank, Ro. You make me want to be a better person, everyday.

I sat with the second guessing all of this for some time. I than approached Woody about all of my writing. I asked if he wanted me to stop. I told him I would, if he thought it was going to add extra stress to our lives. We are on the same page. He understands and supports this. He knows that we are going to make big changes with this disease. For those of you who don’t know… the people who have made the most impact in this world, are the rebels. The one’s who don’t shut up, give in, and shy away. I am a rebel at heart. I have a lot to say about this fucked up thing like losing a kid. I am going to continue down this path, because it feels right to me, in this moment. And as of now, that is all I can ask of in life. What if because what I am putting out there, that a parent notices an early sign of Neuroblastoma or another type of childhood cancer? Because they are now paranoid when before they wouldn’t have given a second thought about it, just like we didn’t. What if they insist on a urine test or scan. What if they happen to catch this disease in the early stage, when it is most easily curable? I will one day, sleep better at night, knowing that I could have been the reason behind all of this. I could maybe have helped to save a child’s life because of the awareness I am raising. That right there, will make all of this hard, painful writing, worth it to me. I am not doing this only for myself, but the thought of helping others as well. This writing and sharing is an outlet to me. I feel like I am respectful to my husband as I choose very carefully what I talk about in regards to “us.” I know I need to have some boundaries and I know what they are. If I was choosing to share our sex life, in vivid detail, than I would totally get that I am being disrespectful. I choose very carefully what I share. I choose to share my feelings, what days are like after losing our best friend, how we are doing…. honestly. I am not scared of any of that because in the end my friends, the truth will set you free. So, if you are going to be scared of it, disagree with it, and not want to be in my life anymore…. because the pain is too hard and real, I totally understand. I would never judge another because of that. I will love the friends that I have had in my life, before this, and after this, even if they choose to go away. They will always have a piece of my heart. I accept anything thrown my way, especially if it is from an honest place. But the bottom line is, there is no formula for this. If you have not lost a child, you do not know how you would act or what you would do. I am doing what feels right to me. Is it wrong, not helpful, or going to destroy me? I have no way of knowing that. All I can do is continue on this path, that feels right to me today, because today is all that matters. I have the support of Woody and that is all I need. Well, not truly all I need. I have a slew of girlfriends that I would not be getting though this at all without them. And my twins. I am so beyond blessed for all of them.

I have a whole notepad that I wanted to write about tonight, but i am making this post too long already. I will write tomorrow if I have time, about some ideas I have. I am going to leave you with the first real sign I had today, that Ronan really is not gone. I have heard from so many people, that after you lose a child, little signs that they are somewhere, close by, will appear. For the first time, this happened to me today. I was driving to meet Danielle for our Inferno Hike. I had been in my car for a few minutes, radio on, some random song playing that I didn’t like, but I was too deep into my head to even think about changing the station. All of a sudden, my radio went from 96.9 to some station I had never listened to. It just changed, all by itself. I thought to myself, well that was weird. 2 seconds later, Steve Nicks, “Landslide,” started playing. What the hell. I started bawling. This song makes me think of Ronan so much. I KNOW it was him today that did that. There is no other explanation. The timing of the song was perfect, the radio freaking station changed by itself. That was truly my first real sign that he is still here; he is still with me.

Here are the lyrics:

Took this love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don’t know, oh I don’t know

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older I’m getting older too
Yes I’m getting older too, so

I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I, I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too oh yes
I’m getting older too

So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well maybe the landslide will bring you down
Well well, the landslide will bring you down

:::::::::::::::: I mean could I have begged for a more amazing sign then this? No way. He let me know, he is still here, when I had almost given up in believing his little signs would come to me. They did today, when I least expected it. I bawled my eyes out and then Danielle and I kicked the Inferno Mountains ASS.

One other thing…. After I was questioning some things tonight, I just happen to go on Dr. Joanne’s Facebook page. She had posted this quote:

Live your way into the answers…

by Joanne Cacciatore on Thursday, August 25, 2011 at 8:36pm

I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them in this moment. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

-Rilke

I am living all of my questions now, in the way that feels truest to my heart. I am not going to question any of this; ever again. This is me, right or wrong, I don’t know. But this is me, the truest me, the way I am choosing to deal with this. By being an open book, because the bottom line is, it feels right in my heart. And as of now, the fact that I can actually feel my heart a little bit again; tells me to continue on this path. By sharing my pain with all of you, all while being the best mom and wife that I can be right now, in this moment. Feeling the pain of losing Ronan, is something I feel so deeply every second of the day. But I am functioning, I am being as present as I can be, I am injecting myself into making sure my twins know how much I love them. How strong of a family we are. How we will survive this but it is going to take a lot of work, honestly, talking and love. I am proud of this blog, my honestly, my supportive husband, and that is all that matters, now, today. Because today is all we have to live for. Tomorrow could be gone in a second. I am not going to worry about the future anymore, because it is not in my hands. What is in my hands is my truth, my pain, my love and it changes everyday. I am living for today and nothing else. I have learned, there are no guarantees in life. I am not going to live my life thinking about the future. I am going to live my life as each and everyday is a gift, even when you are so blinded by pain, that sometimes you cannot see straight. But at least I am being true to myself. As of now, that is all I have to give. Please don’t ask of anything more from me. If you love me, you will trust me, be honest with me, and respect everything I am putting out there. Even when it involves telling God to fuck off. If it offends you; I’m not apologizing. Get over it, put yourself in my shoes, and question if you would have the guts to say what I am willing to say out loud, because it is what I am feeling. You don’t have to agree, you can tell me you don’t agree, but as of now, this is me. This is how I feel and I’m not going to sugar coat and pretend like if there is really a God, that this is any way, shape or form, acceptable. Ronan should still be here. Life lessons should not have to come at the cost of losing a child.

Most of you did not know Ronan. Let me tell you something. Imagine, your whole life feeling a little lost and incomplete. Than this baby comes along, and he is the missing link to your entire family. Everyone feels that way. It was a known fact that Ronan completed our entire family. Imagine meeting yourself, the VERY best version of yourself that you could ever be, and it came in the form of your baby. He was the best version of Woody and I that we cold have ever hoped to be. He was perfection. Imagine finally feeling complete, and then having it all taken away from you. Most of you will hopefully never know what it is like to lose something that special. And if you can even think you can feel a small piece of our pain, you have NO idea how much it truly hurts. The fact that we are still here, still fighting to make it though this, together, is something I don’t think a lot of people could do. I am proud, I am lucky, I am awakened. I am going to do whatever it takes to change the way Childhood Cancer is ignored. I am not going to be silenced. Ronan lives inside of me and he will forever. I will now be Maya Badass Inca Thompson; Forever. I am going to be loud and not be ashamed. I owe this to Ronan. I am doing this, for him.

Love me or leave me. I embrace all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Because I know sometimes my writing is so ugly, that it makes me sick. But it is the truth and the truth about Childhood Cancer, deserves to be heard.

G’nite my loves. G’nite Ro. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe, snug as a bug in a rug.

xoxox

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34 thoughts on “Chicky Check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self

  1. Glenda

    Maya,

    You are you!! real and raw and that’s what i love about you. You don’t sugar coat it! I feel your love for Ro, for Woody and the twins!

    After losing Ro and the pain you’ve gone through I’m sure you don’t sweat the small stuff. No one can tell you how to grieve… How to express yourself. And if they can’t handle the blog or your honest writing then they shouldn’t read!

    Can’t wait to hear about your plans and ideas.

    Peace & strength
    Thinking of you and beautiful blue eyed Rockstar Ro!
    xo

  2. Angel Reeve

    I have never lost a child… nearly thought I did with troubled labor, but did not. I have never read words that touched me as yours do, they inspire, create and have made me feel this overwhelming bursting in my heart I had no idea I possessed in the way I am experiencing it. It may be uncomfortable for those around you as social circles, expectations, and dearly connected individuals can fear and feel uncertainty in regards to how you may or may not be perceived. However, as I read your entire blog tonight I felt absolutely honored to have read your story and the blessing is toward me. You are sharing the spirit of Ronan through your ability to be REAL. I am the luckiest woman alive to be graced with your insight and the gift you give to all of those who read your words is priceless. Thank you for being so amazing and dealing with your life, turned grief, in this outward way as it is truly touching and changing lives…

    From Phoenix too btw. Felt more connected to you right off the bat because of that- your blog is the first I have ever read. Thank you for being you to all of us, what you do IS important and special.

  3. Brittany Brockman

    Well said. As always. I stumbled upon your writing by hearing about Ronan through a friend (Dana) before Ronan was taken from you. I have 2 boys, aged 1 & 1/2 and 2 & 1/2. I have shared your story, many of your blogs with my husband… made him hug me and comfort me afterwards. I have never had to face anything remotely like this; but I am incredibly grateful you have shared your thoughts, your pain…. EVERYTHING that you have shared helps others to think about what’s really important. To be more aware, cautious, proactive, and especially to be more grateful & to love harder. Your impact (and Ro’s through you) will leave a mark on me, and I know thousands of others, as well.

  4. Lea

    Hey girl, thanks for being you. Love this sign! Once upon a time I had this sign happen to me, its real, its transforming, it reminds you of how much you’re loved, it opens wounds and heals others, it’s a gift from Ronan meant for his one true love! Hope you enjoyed every drop of your Coke and licked the Airhead stickies off of every finger!

  5. Lea

    So I wrote this once….but appears to have disappeared?!? I love this sign! I once upon a time received a similar sign while grieving, it opens wounds yet heals others, it’s a sign of love from him to his one and only true love, his best friend, his mama! I hope you enjoyed every sip of your Coke and licked all the Airhead stickies off your fingers. You’re on the right track, your track, your shoes, your life. Sweet dreams.

  6. Katie

    Do not let anyone tell you what you are doing is wrong. There is absolutely no right way or wrong way to handle what you and your family is going through. Writing has always been my relief of pain but even though my heart has been broken it has never been shattered the way yours or your families has been. I love you raw honesty. I can tell by reading it that this is what YOU NEED right now. And on top of sharing your beautiful boy with all that read you are spreading the word of childhood cancer. I do not personally know you or your family but I love you. I love you for your honesty and anger and positivity and sadness and your rawness. You are stronger than I could ever imagine. I hope to whoever the fuck it is I never do have to imagine. You are brave. And any emotion or feeling right now is yours and only yours and you have a right to deal with it anyway you want because it is YOURS. Your Ro is yours. Your Ro will always be yours.

  7. danielle

    Maya, you’ve honestly changed my life completely. You are ballsy, courageous, real and amazing. I will never understand, but I will always take at least an hour to consider your words, each day, and apply my emotional response to the world around me. Though it may be painful to read your words, your reality is too often swept ubder the rug, and people are ashamed of their grief. You’re a hero, Maya.. I will think of you every day.

    Ps: I changed my major today. I was 3/4 of the way through my education degree… But I’ve always dreamt of being an art and animal therapist for children. I thought I couldn’t handle it. But I can make a difference, and I will handle it. The risk is qorth the gain, you and Ronan have shown me this.

  8. kelli

    Maya, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! So happy you got your sign from Ronan ๐Ÿ™‚
    Keep doing what right for you, beacuse in the end thats all that matter.
    “Those who mind don’t matter & those who matter don’t mind”-Dr.Seuss

  9. Ame

    Maya, you must understand that these comments from people about how you grieve has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you… It is about them! Most people rally around you when you first loose someone.. then they want you to move on.. It makes them uncomfortable.. they dont know how to handle it. so they say ” listen, time to move on”… ” time to let go” …mostly so that they can no longer fear it will happen to them.. they will no longer feel awkward , not knowing what to say to you..

    Make no mistake.. your grieving is normal.. anger – normal.. questioning god- normal….the only difference is- you say the things we all think.. we all feel.. but like to pretend that we don’t.. you grieve in public while most grieve in private.. so we can pretend we have it all together.. and I think that when your children read this when your older..they will be proud and they will know that the feelings they have are okay.. Shouldn’t parents know that this takes time.. maybe a life time.. shouldn’t they know that it’s a strain on your marriage to loose a child? That loving your children doesn’t make up for loosing one? Shouldn’t people talk about their feelings more about everything? Maybe then everyone would know that their fears and hopes and dreams and nightmares arent so different… not just about death but about life and love … You are normal.. those people trying to fix you.. they are the ones that are abnormal…

  10. Jaime Harris

    I’m sorry Maya, you’ve been through so much! Continue to pray for you every single day. Glad Ro paid you a visit in the car ๐Ÿ™‚ God bless, today and always…xoxo

  11. Meredith

    Hi Maya…Your latest post reminded me of a garden. Your seeds had all been planted with such love, but then everything came to a halt. Maybe some washed away in heavy rains. Some were eaten, stepped on. Some were snatched and ripped right out of the earth. And the garden sat for awhile. Nothing happened. Today your post reminded me of something growing, blooming. The fire inside of you has always been evident, but something in your words seemed healing. I almost hate to use that word because I don’t want to offend you or your grief. But your post made me think that you and all of your little seeds are beginning to grow, despite the tragedy that is now ever-present.

    Your words: “The fact that we are still here, still fighting to make it though this, together, is something I donโ€™t think a lot of people could do. I am proud, I am lucky, I am awakened.”

    XoX.

  12. dawn

    I understand grief and how it can take ahold of you…but I must admit I am amazed at how healthy you are through all of this. I know not one person grieves the same way but your strength amazes me everyday. You continue to live even if it is like walking thru quicksand…you are finding a replacement for pain and that is exercise. In my opinion, a great way to free your brain for a moment and feel something other than sadness.
    You are living in hell right now and I for one believe you are amazing for all you do and say in order to keep moving forward even if you did not want to.
    Man, I wonder what everyone would think if you stayed in bed for a week- I honestly would think you were allowed to do that if you needed it, knowing someone was there to get you moving- but you are not, you are taking care of you and your family.
    I hope all of this brings you peace of mind. We all do love you and I know your loved ones are keeping an eye on you. IT is scary for them too because they have lost control. They are in pain too:(
    HUGS!!!

  13. Cheryl

    The unbeareaved CAN’T possibly know what the bereaved feel. No one has a roadmap for this kind of grief. And people who have not lost a child really can’t even grasp this rollercoaster that you are on UNBUCKLED! Not much is written about losing a child and people keep sweeping childhood cancer under a rug. Your grief will not end as time passes. Your love for Ronan is too deep and too profound. And the people who think you should be OVER IT, should be ignored. Over time, the grief will remain and simply change it’s shape. It will always be heavy and unable to be outran. Take it day by day. Sometimes moment by moment. Sometimes I could only think about the next 15 minutes. I leave you still healing from leukemia in Connecticut.

  14. Elizabeth

    I just wanted to send a note to tell you how brave I think you are. The way you put it all out there sets me straight every single day and I just know that has to mean something. You are doing great things already…even if you can’t see the results with your own eyes yet.

    Thinking of you often. ~ Elizabeth

  15. Jan Todd

    Maya, I wish I could be one-quarter as brave and outspoken as you are being with your blog. I wouldn’t even know where to start. You are amazing and true to yourself and your family and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! You describe perfectly the pain of losing a child, and of living your life once your beloved child is gone. Most of your words could come directly from my heart, but I don’t have the courage to say them out loud. You do! And you’re on a mission to raise awareness of childhood cancer. I wish I could do the same for Huntington’s Disease, but it is so rare, and genetic, not random, that I don’t know what to do. Good for you, Maya! You go girl! Say whatever you need to say to raise awareness, and get this awful disease caught and stopped before it takes more children! Ronan would be (and is) proud of you!

  16. Maria

    Ame’s comment is right on! I couldn’t agree with her more.

    I admire you for your strength and honesty. You’re a straight shooter and don’t put up with bullshit. If people don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. Do what’s best for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story. It has touched me so much.

    Also, that sign from Ronan was amazing. I’m usually skeptical about that kind of stuff, but that was a true sign in my eyes.

  17. kim

    love you maya! love ronan! love this blog so very much! i will always be grateful to you for letting me and over a million other people into your life and the pain you and your family are experiencing. but most of all, i am forever grateful to you for educating me and opening my eyes to childhood cancer which i had no clue about till i started reading your blog. so thank you for that gift of invaluable knowledge!! like i have said before, you and ronan have gotten my attention and i am not going anywhere!
    xoxo

  18. Karen

    You don’t need to second guess yourself,we all probably would be the same way,you are just venting and we all do grieve differently! There is no politically correct way to do this,i have never felt that sort of pain and pray to God I never have to,I just pray for your familyto find peace and I know you will kick cancers ass! Your an inspiration lady ,dont forget that!
    love always Karen

  19. Robin

    Love you! So many ways you’ve described how you feel about Ro and the bond ya’ll have is how I’ve described how I feel about my daughter. I once told one of my close friends that Madison, not my husband, is my soul mate(she kinda laughed at me a lil), I love my husband, by I feel like love is not even a strong enough word for what I have for/with my kid, and my mom always says I have a lil me, when Madi is with her she feels de’ ja vue(sp?) quite a lot. She is my only child and w/o her, I would not want to be, I can hardly remember my life before her and I don’t want a life after her. So I think you “handle” yourself incredibly, of course, I didn’t know you before, and I’m sure your friends miss you, and it’s so hard to see someone you love hurt so badly. We’ve never met face to face and I HATE how badly you hurt, but you shouldn’t have to justify your feelings(especially about losing your son) to your friends or anyone. I dunno, I just get it, whats to fear when your BIGGEST fear came true. Also I get friends and family being concerned, helplessness is an awful feeling(I can’t imagine anyone knowing this better then you), since they can’t fix it they are wanting you to make the situation more comfortable for them, which they probably haven’t even realized how selfish that is yet. Sending lots of love your way always ROBIN

  20. Michelle

    I think your honesty scares people. It is so pure and your raw emotions can be too much for some people. If that is the case, you are right, they shouldn’t read it…no judging on them. Somewhere inside people they don’t want to be exposed to the horror that you unfortunately have to live with. It’s like them living out their worst nightmare voluntarily, and being forced to feel emotions and thoughts that they would never EVER want to have feel. When most people have thoughts of something bad ever happening to their kids, they shut it down immediately….here they are forced to feel what would happen if they were in your shoes. What you and your family are forced to deal with daily. For some people who read this AND are in your same shoes, I think what your doing is the biggest gift you could give someone, validation. Validation that they are not going crazy and that someone else out there understands. This may be what they need to get through their day. For people like me, I feel I have gotten to know you through your blog and like checking in on this passionate young Mom who should never have to be going through this nightmare and hoping she got through the day a little easier than the one before. Bottom line is, no one person has the answer on how to grieve “the right way”. If this helps you feel better and helps others in your situation and brings awareness, keep doing it.

  21. Colleen Manigan Fisher

    Yo gotta do what yo gotta do, Badass Inka. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Be true to your heart, be true to you. Ro’s sign is affirmation of that! Don’t let the landslide take you down. So many of us respect and admire you!

    Colleen

  22. Riley

    Maya- i am always in awe of your strenght and courage to write the words you do and express the emotions you are feeling. You are grieving in your way- the right way. You are making people painfully aware of childhood cancer, grieving and the shit that goes with it. I can’t understand people who want to hurry you through this process.. I am sure they just don’t want to see you in pain anymore. You are so loved by so many people just by your words. i am so glad you did not stop writing! We know you love your family more than anything and would never jepordize them in anyway. Hey- does anyone know Stevie Nicks? She is from the valley—- i am thinking benefit concert for Ronan’s foundation ๐Ÿ™‚

  23. Amy

    Maya,

    This morning I had a breakfast date scheduled with a friend, my girls were at school and Daddy was home to take care of our three year old. I had 40 minutes to make it across town and wasn’t yet totally dressed. My sweet boy walked into the kitchen and asked “you make me eggs, mama?” I instantly thought of you, thought of precious Ronan. Even though my husband could have easily made those eggs while I finished getting ready, I made eggs for my baby, and I was honored to be able to make those eggs.

    Much love. Keep writing.

  24. Murray

    You are responsible for your own behaviours and actions. You are not responsible for how everybody else CHOOSES to receive or perceive those or react to them. THAT is THEIR responsibility. This is your journey, your life, your story. Tell it in your own words. Sometimes I find it uncomfortable to read some of those words and hear the truth on what you are feeling or experiencing. But I refuse to judge you. If I disagree, I keep it to myself because this is a written record of your thoughts, experiences, feelings and reactions to things around you as you live your life. They are not invitations to debate your beliefs. Love your blog. Hate what you have to go through. Looking forward always to the next installment. Be well.

  25. Melissa Pietrosanti

    Lots of love to you Maya, you crazy-ass hiker!
    I liked the quote you shared and it just made me want to share. One of the most important thing I realized in my own life is that, not ever question you ask yourself has an answer. In fact, I find strength in saying, “I don’t know”. It feels really nice as an adult to simply tell myself that I don’t have the answer… its actually OK! I grew up as someone who always tried to find one, or at the minimum, put a false front up and pretended I did. I have the power to be present in my own life and learn those answers in my own time. Its so freeing to say, though I don’t have the answer to every question, whats important is that I asked it in the first place.

  26. sara maurer

    I am SO happy Ronan changed the radio station for you, and gave you a sign he is there. I got chills while reading that! What a beautiful song. You inspire me everyday to be the best person I can be. The best Mommy, friend and wife. I share your story with everyone. So, i just wanted you to know that your words, your completely raw feelings, have absolutely made me so aware of what can happen, and inspired me. Thank you Maya.

  27. Lynn Evans

    I can see in your words that you are evolving. I am inspired and have joy in my heart that you are having bright spots in your days. Luv you and your boys and always will have you in my heart.
    Lynn

  28. Kim

    Maya-
    I have written you a few times- but felt I had to speak for a grieving mom.
    You write through your pain every night, as night is your time to feel what you can’t feel because you are a mom and wife and friend and cancer fighter all day. I read your blog at night and cry and relate and nod and feel because I too am busy all day loving my surviving children and helping my precious family to make it through this painful journey and into the sunshine again.
    I thank you for helping me feel at the lonely, quiet, dark hours of the night when us super moms are allowed to be with our own, sometimes dark feelings and actually honor them.
    You are helping me, along with many others. Rock on sister.

  29. Desiree

    Maya –
    Never stop writing. You have every right in the world to post your deep, raw, inspiring yet sad TRUE feelings, and there are SO many of us supporting you, loving you, and crying for/with you and always will be! Never question it again, whether you should be blogging or not. Don’t listen to anyone who says you should be grieving a certain way. There are NO rules to grief. You write your own rules, and live your life just as you are: true to yourself. Being true to yourself is what will continue to make you a good wife and mommy. This is your release, and if people don’t like it, they don’t need to read it!

    I found this quote recently, that reminded me of you:
    “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa

    As much as it hurts, every second of every day, you still keep going. And you are taking this pain and turning it into an amazing journey that very few of us could ever do… I’ve said this before, but need to say it again, you ARE changing the world, already, with every word you write and every day you get out of bed and do your best for you, Woody, and your twins.

    I chope that one day, I will get to meet you and hug you!!

    Keep going Maya, we are all here for you.

    PS. Ronan changing the radio station just in time for that song gave me tears and chills!! See? He’s with you EVERY moment, ALL the time, and always will be!!

  30. Pingback: Words ronnan | Profcharles

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