You are my God, my Heaven, and someday, my Peace


 

 

 

Ro baby. Hi. I’m still here. I’m going to say, unfortunately, because that’s what I’m feeling at this time. As much as I talk to you and ask you to take me with you…. I don’t think you are going to. You want me here, on this earth, and I have to do my time. I feel like I’m trapped in a prison cell and nobody is ever coming to free me. And I know you know why. It’s because nobody can save me, but myself. I have to learn how to set my soul free, to be reborn again because of now, I still feel like I am walking around dead. I cannot go on like this forever which is why I am forcing myself to do things that I really don’t want to do, but I know if I don’t, everybody loses. Even you. And that is not acceptable in my book because I have so much making up to you to do. I will tell you I’m sorry everyday, 20 times a day, for the rest of my life. I’m sorry for so many things. But most of all, for not being able to save you, when I promised you I would. I will carry the guilt of that around for the rest of my life.

I’ve tried to do a lot this week. Physically and mentally. I have to start trying to fix myself, bit by bit.  I’ll never be fully repaired, but I hope to find pieces of myself here and there and put them back together. My pieces will never fit perfectly again, so I’m going to have to relearn how to live with them, as shattered, cracked, bruised and battered as they may be. I have to learn how to live with this pain now, if I am going to stay on this earth.

This week is almost over. I’ve done a lot. A lot of therapy. A lot of mommy things. A lot of being productive. I want to say fuck it all and not do any of this. But I have this fire that lives inside of me now that refuses to let me be quiet and give up. I am pissed at the world and have too much passion from the pain of losing you. I’m not giving up. No matter how many doors I have slammed in my face. I deserve answers, I deserve to hear I’m sorry from the fucking medical world that failed us, I deserve to create changes in this fucked up world of childhood cancer. I deserve to help others. It is what you would want. You would want me to find a reason to go on. You would want me to break down every fucking door to get there. I will make you proud of me. I know how much you loved me. I know you loved me more than anything or anyone. I know you will always be proud of me, which is why I refuse to give in to this hell that is now my life. And FYI….. Fuck this Zoloft. I’m done with it. I’m not taking it anymore. I know I’m going to be told to wean myself off of it, but too bad. I’m stopping it cold turkey. Is that dangerous? Maybe. Is it going to kill me? I doubt it. I’ve made my mind up about this and you know how I am once I make my mind up about something. I don’t want to be on a medication because my feelings about losing you are too intense. I needed this medication during your treatment, when you were still here with me, because I took care of you, 24/7. You are gone now. And I am done with this crap. I don’t want to live a life of being on meds. I want to be cleansed. I want to get back in touch with my reality, without being medicated. I’m strong enough to do this. And if I’m not, I will reevaluate the situation. I’m not ready to give up my sleepy meds yet. The Ristoral that I have taking makes me less insane. I’m sleeping a little better. I’m not saying crazy things in the middle of the night to your daddy like I was before. That drug is hardcore and really messed with my mind. I don’t like to feel out of control and that is how I felt when I was on it. I’ll admit for a while, it felt kind of good because it was an easy escape and I didn’t have to be responsible for the way I acted. I could just blame it on the Ambien. I don’t want to have to blame things for my behavior. I want to be able to blame myself, not some drug that is effecting my sleep and my life, so deeply. I still need the Ristoral though. I’m not even close to being at peace with anything and I know that trying to sleep on my own is torture. The lack of sleep that comes with all of this is something that I cannot handle at this point. I need sleep. I need a break from everything and sleeping is the only break I’m going to get.

At this point in my life, I feel like I’m on autopilot. I think I’m back in shock again. I talked to you after my run tonight and I didn’t even cry. It was strange as I am always able to cry about you. Not tonight. I sat there, in the dark, on a bench, and talked to you but no tears came out. I feel numb. I feel like I don’t want to feel anything so I am going to just shut all of my feelings down. This is when I decided to screw the Zolfoft. I think this may be part of the problem. I want to feel and not feeling anything tonight, scared the shit out of me. I don’t have normal feelings at all. Happiness, excitement, and hope are not part of my world anymore. Feeling love from others feels foreign to me as if I’m not worthy of it. I feel nothing. Today, I was able to put on my FUCK CANCER game face and put together a plan of attack. I was able to figure out what steps I need to take in the right direction to make a difference. Baby steps, but I have somewhat of a plan. I have an idea for a plan of one of the many things I want to do. I have to do because I am so angry about the lack of knowledge we were given when you were diagnosed. It is unacceptable and cruel. And fucking bullshit. I know that things take time and baby steps are necessary. Baby steps are a start in the right direction and I know they will lead to bigger and better things. Good thing I am a patient person by nature. Patient but passionate. I think those things will both work in my favor.

I have so much more to tell you. About the amazing lady I saw from the MISS foundation this week. For the first time since losing you, I felt like maybe, just maybe, I can survive this. I can change things. I felt this way because Dr. Joanne may be one of the most incredible souls I’ve ever come into contact with. Instant connection not to mention she is brilliant. And compassionate. She’s taken her pain, educated herself on grief, and turned it into an amazing organization. She inspires me. I need to be inspired right now. I need to see that great things can come out of something so tragic and awful from losing a child. I need to know that I can become a better person through all of this and make a big mark in this world by helping to find a cure, by helping other families, by giving all I have to give. I am going to take everything I used to save you, and throw it into helping other people. I know I’m not ready for this just quite yet, as I have some things I have to work on myself. I have to make sure your brothers are o.k. as they need me more than ever. I cannot let them down. I have to do this for you. They deserve to have the best life possible. I have to be a part of making that happen. I cannot just check out, Ro. It’s a lot of pressure but I think I can do it. I promise to try my hardest.

I’ve worked out everyday this week. Hiking in the heat, boot camp, running. It all feels good. It makes me feel alive for about an hour which is better than nothing. It makes me smile when I feel the sweat stinging my eyes. It makes me realize for a small moment in time, I can feel again. It’s not always good, but it’s better than being numb. I don’t want to walk around this life like a robot. I want you back more than anything but I know that is not going to happen. But I also know that I will see you again. We will meet up in our next life together and it will be even more amazing than this one. I truly believe that. Our bond and connection is too strong for that not to happen, my love.

That is all for tonight. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Please watch over all the beautiful souls that love you so much. Please visit them in their dreams. You are not ready to visit me yet, as I am too consumed by my pain. You will know when you are ready to see me again, to let me know you are safe. Please keep your brothers safe. Thank you for keeping Fernanda safe. I know that was you. I know you are part of her soul. I’m not thanking God for anything anymore, Ro. I’m thanking you. You are my God. You are my heaven. And someday you will be my peace. I love you so much. I miss you every second of the day. I promise I won’t let you down.

Sweet dreams my little devil.

xoxo

 

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15 thoughts on “You are my God, my Heaven, and someday, my Peace

  1. Michelle H.

    Maya, you’re amazing. The picture of you with Ronan brings tears to my eyes. You already are doing such incredible things in Ronans honor…I have no doubt you will make (more like continue to make) a huge impact on childhood cancer as well as all of the people whose lives you touch. xo

  2. Jera

    I love this Maya. The next life brings me far more peace than heaven or an end. Helping families that are starting an awful journey seems like a great start. I also loved your thoughts about the families that don’t have the financial resources. Just my silly two cents.

  3. Melissa

    Oh maya, I wish I had some fantastically amazing thing to say to you but this post and picture really hit me hard. I can barely see through my tears to write this. Take care of yourself and stay strong.
    Also, be careful with the zoloft. I’ve been on it before and know that stuff can really jack you up.

  4. Melissa

    Oh Maya, I wish I had some fantastically amazing thing to say to you. This post and picture hit me really hard. I can barely see through my tears to write this. Please take care of yourself and stay strong. I’m proud of you for exercising everyday…I wish I was half that motivated. I’m sure it’s a big help to you.
    As someone that’s been on zoloft in the past, be careful with it. It’s horrible stuff and can really jack you up, especially when you are already vulnerable.
    *hugs to you and your family*

  5. Lea

    Zoloft is bad ju-ju. Just be aware of yourself coming off of it. I was given it after my third child for minor baby blues, ugh, I did the same as you, cold turkey stopped. I was dizzy for a month and would walk into walls and such. So just know yourself and be aware. My dizzy spells would become worse when I was exercising. Keep your chin up! I know you feel tortured and trapped, Purgatory on Earth, and you’ve walked through Hell and back only to arrive at the same place, but I believe you’re destined to do great things for others. Time is just that, time. It doesn’t heal, or make it easier, but it does allow you the opportunity to help others, to meet other people and to make a difference, and I believe Ronan will help you do just that. There so many lives that he still needs to touch and you are now his vehicle to get him to where he wants to be and his instrument to accomplish his masterpiece. Follow your intuitions for he is now in stirring those feelings inside of you. He’s a spicy little boy with big plans for you! Take care and watch out for those crazy haboobs!

  6. Hilary

    Maya, my song for you today is Learn to fly by Foo Fighters. Take a listen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VQ_3sBZEm0&feature=related

    Having had your world torn apart, finding a new way to live is like learning to fly. You will though and you will make those giant steps in helping the world to take notice of childhood cancer. Go girl and although you may not feel it always – there are thousands of feet walking with you and willing you on, hoping to help raise awareness and kick this cancer into touch. Hugs to you. x

  7. Cheska

    Maya,

    Please don’t stop your Zoloft cold turkey. I tried to do this once, and the withdrawal is HORRIBLE (and I am only on 50mg). You are in a fragile emotional state, and coming off an SSRI cold turkey can cause major mood swings, worsened depression, insomnia, and overall malaise.

    I think it is great that you want to get back to a drug-free lifestyle — trust me, I have felt the same way in the past. I hated that a ‘drug’ was making me pseudo happy, and I was afraid it was taking away from who I truly am. However, this isn’t a drug that can just be stopped w/out terrible withdrawals — it truly needs to be tapered off (for your sanity!).

    So, the Maya that I have grown to love via the virtual world may be thinking that Zoloft withdrawal can not be worse than losing a child and the emotions that have come along with that, but PLEASE — quitting cold turkey will NOT help. Even someone in a tip-top emotional state would have an extremely hard time (if not impossible) coming off an SSRI cold-turkey.

    Please reconsider!!!

  8. Stacy

    yep, me too on the Zoloft. It really does have the, “complacent” effect. My kids were tearing up the place and there was me… on Zoloft, completely immobilized! You may get wicked headaches coming off of that cold turkey. Just be careful and drink a lot of water and OJ!! The best is to cut the pill in half for a few days and wean that way so you are not in pain.
    Peace girl.

  9. Brandie

    Maya- Just wanted to let you know that I think about you every day and hope that you will be able to find some peace in this world. I know that it is a rollercoaster of emotions but you are hanging in there. I have heard before the only way out is through. The picture with you and Ro….melts my heart.

  10. Laura

    Sorry for the tough time you are having, but you are moving in a positive direction. I will help so many by getting information at the beginning. Baby steps and one day at a time. Try to enjoy the weekend and your boys. Our love, thoughts and prayers for your entire family.

  11. angela

    Hi honey, I am so glad you found Joanne! She is amazing and the miss foundation has helped our family so much. I’m so glad you have found them. Although nothing can take way the pain you feel, prehaps this foundation will help give you some tools to heal. Be gentle with yourself.

  12. Cheryl

    Maya,
    You will move mountains…..I just know it. I am filled with the same rage, as to why the childhood cancer ribbon isn’t as known as the ‘pink’ one, for example. Hey folks, our kids wear the GOLD one! The picture was absolutely breathtaking of the two of you. My daughter with leukemia has a “blankey” too. It has comforted her on this ugly, but
    healing journey for 15 months. Take care of YOU!

  13. Jaime Harris

    Maya, so sorry for all you’ve been through. It is one of the worst things ever, no doubt! I continue to keep you all close in thought and prayer each day. Don’t give up on God! He loves you soo much! I pray someday, with time, you will realize just how much! Take care today, hugs! xoxo

  14. lrouse

    My heart just hurts. I’m not going to say all of the bullshit “you make me a better mom”. That’s crap. This sucks.

    I’d like to organize a walk in San Antonio for Ronan. FUCK childhood cancer. We need to spread the word- my aunt, my dad’s sister, died from childhood cancer. My grandmother didn’t have the resources that we have now, but I know my Aunt Linda is smiling right now because we are GOING TO SPREAD THE WORD!

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