Inferno Fuckwad Bob

Ro baby. So, remember how I told you I was going to stop cold turkey, taking my Zoloft…. mainly because everyone told me not to. That I needed to slowly come off from it. I didn’t listen. I stopped taking it over two weeks ago. I did it, all by myself and I’m still here. I didn’t have any side effects. I just feel better. One less medication that I am on. I do not want to live my life with the help of Zoloft. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I just want to find another way to get through this pain and I don’t want any help from a pill. I tried this last night with the Ristoral I am taking to help me sleep. I tried not to take it. It was awful. I tossed and turned for a few hours, while lying next to your Daddy. I dozed off, here and there but the screaming in my head was too much to take. The dreams were too mean and vivid. I got up, around 12:30, and paced the house; looking for you. I took 2 of my sleepy meds and ate a bowl of cereal. I had not eaten all day long. I crawled up into Liam’s top bunk bed and fell asleep until 7 a.m. I woke up groggy, and felt hung over. Your Daddy looked worried as he could see the glazed over look in my eyes. He decided to take Liam and Quinn to school for me. It was a good thing, because I mentally was a wreck today. I don’t remember what happened next, but before I knew it, I was laying my head on the kitchen table, sobbing into your blanket, with your Urn in front of me. I went and grabbed the locket that Macy got me, that does not have a picture of you in it yet. I got out the scissors and cut open the plastic holder that keeps your ashes sealed. I found some glue, rubbed it on the inside of the locket, took my hands and picked up some of your ashes. I felt them for the first time. I kissed them and I took a little of them and sprinkled them to the inside of the locket filled with glue. Fernanda called. I ignored her phone call. I sat and sobbed with you instead. She called, again, about 20 minutes later. I picked up this time. “What are you doing?” she said. I couldn’t talk, so I didn’t say anything; I just sat and cried into the phone. “Where are you?!” she asked in her beautiful English, Spanish, and Italian accent. “Home,” I said. She said,”I’ll be there in 2 minutes.” And she was. She pulled up and I opened up the door, my face black from my mascara. I really need to freaking invest in some waterproof mascara at this point in my life. She grabbed me and let me cry all over her all white blouse. My angel.

We sat at the table for a bit. I told her what I had just done with some of your ashes. I said to her, what if these had been your beautiful blue eyes. She told me they were not. Your eyes, left long before you were cremated. I agree. She put her head down on the table with me and we sat and cried and talked. I told her I needed to get coffee if I was going to function at all today. We ran to Safeway and sat on the couch at the Starbucks. A woman came and sat down next to us. She overheard some of our conversation. We started talking to her. Turns out, she had a 2-year-old who had died, and she had lost a baby from a miscarriage as well. She told me how lucky I was to have a friend, like Fernanda… as she had nobody. All I wanted to do was take this woman home and love her. She does not have a Liam and Quinn to keep her going. She does not have a reason to get up in the morning. But she has found one…. whatever it may be. That is true strength. I told her about your website, and I gave her one of the MISS Foundation cards. I told her about them. She said she didn’t even know something like that existed. I told her to call them. I hope she will. I wish I could have done more for this woman today; but I did all I could do.

The rest of the day was a blur. Quinn went to Dr. Beth. He is so needing her now. As well as your brothers are doing in school…. which from what I can tell, they are excelling….. I know this outside help is so important for them now. I know in the long run, it will make a difference. We are choosing to face this head on, not bury it down in the ground. Their therapy is a big part of this so I plan on continuing it for as long as we need…. even if it is for the rest of their lives. I hope it won’t be, as I want them to be able to go on and live normal, happy lives. But to get them to that point, this is so necessary.

I went to see Dr. Joanne. It was a really long, intense session. I ended up being able to write out that grief worksheet before I saw her. I wrote it out this morning, in a really random, public place. I have struggled with the finding the words to fill it out all week. I have carried that worksheet all over with me, and when I sat with it today, the words to the questions just came pouring out. It took me only a few minutes to answer the 5 or 6 questions. One of the things I had to answer was, if I had to Name my grief; him/her, I’d call him/her…… ??? What???? I had to come up with a name for my grief. The name, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, just flew out of my head. That is what I wrote. I named my grief, INFERNO FUCKWAD BOB. I have no idea where in the world this name came from, but it is perfect. Dr. J sat with my sheet of paper and asked if I thought I could read it out loud to her. I told her No. She asked if she could read it out loud. I said yes. So she did. I think I cried while she was reading my words. I think I bawled pretty much the entire time I sat and talked with her today. When she got to the name of your grief part, hearing her say that out loud, made me laugh. She giggled a bit too, and told me she had heard some interesting names for Grief in her time, but this may have been the most interesting. It was at that point, that I knew that there was no other name in the world for my pain, my hurt, my grief. Inferno Fuckwad Bob, it is. I hope he is not always so present in my life, but for now he is; and I cannot ignore him.

After our session, I came home, threw on my hiking clothes and drove to The Inferno. I ran my butt off up the mountain. I saw Mountain Mike again, which was strange because I was there much later in the day than I usually am. He was coming down as I was running up. I took out my headphones to say Hello. We chatted for a minute, then he said for me to keep going as he didn’t want to keep me. As I got to the top of the mountain, I took my time to talk to you. I didn’t see the Eagles today, but that was o.k. I did some stretching and breathing. I put my headphones on full blast and got ready to run as fast as I could down the mountain. Just as I was getting ready to run, I got this text from Dr. Joanne.

Goosebumps ran down my spine. I had gone into the bathroom, after I left her office. I just needed to wipe down my face and dry my eyes. I was in the bathroom for maybe 30 seconds. I am always intentionally leaving your bracelets places…. on my hikes, random restaurants, grocery stores, etc….. It never even crossed my mind to leave one in the bathroom of her office building today. But she found one, in the sink. I asked her if it was the naughty or nice version. It was the naughty. I thought I was totally out of all of those, but apparently one found it’s way to Dr. Joanne. So random. So something you would do. I have hesitated about giving her one…. just not wanting to overstep my boundaries as I know not everyone is comfortable with the F word. I guess you had other ideas and know she is deserving of wearing it. Because she is a badass:) I am so glad, baby. I thought so too, but you made it happen. Thank you for that and for making me smile so big after seeing that text from Dr. J.

As soon as I turned my headphones up as loud as they would go, and starting running as fast as my legs could possibly carry me, without falling on my face, another little thing happened. I have decided one of the ways you are communicating with me, is through music. I had my iPod blaring, and you had decided what my playlist was going to be. From the time I started running, until I stopped at my car, these are the songs that came on, in this order. Pearl Jam, Given to Fly. Coldplay, Fix You. Band of Horses, No One’s Gonna Love You, and it ended with Katy Perry, Firework. I mean really, Ro. That was so sweet of you. It made me smile, cry, smile, laugh and blow kisses up into the sky. I love you so much, baby. I miss you so much.

The rest of the evening was spent at home with your brothers, Daddy, Danielle and Dave stopped by with their new puppy; Bash. We sat outside and played with him. Such a sweet, simple night. I often feel you around when Danielle is with me. She is one of the people in my life that makes me feel peaceful. I needed that tonight. Thanks, D. Love you.

Alright, my “not spicy, little monkey boy. I’m going to try to get some sleep. Really want to do boot camp in the a.m. but have not been succeeding in waking up for my 5 a.m. booty, boot camp call. Maybe tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. G’night my love.

xoxo

You are my God, my Heaven, and someday, my Peace

 

 

 

Ro baby. Hi. I’m still here. I’m going to say, unfortunately, because that’s what I’m feeling at this time. As much as I talk to you and ask you to take me with you…. I don’t think you are going to. You want me here, on this earth, and I have to do my time. I feel like I’m trapped in a prison cell and nobody is ever coming to free me. And I know you know why. It’s because nobody can save me, but myself. I have to learn how to set my soul free, to be reborn again because of now, I still feel like I am walking around dead. I cannot go on like this forever which is why I am forcing myself to do things that I really don’t want to do, but I know if I don’t, everybody loses. Even you. And that is not acceptable in my book because I have so much making up to you to do. I will tell you I’m sorry everyday, 20 times a day, for the rest of my life. I’m sorry for so many things. But most of all, for not being able to save you, when I promised you I would. I will carry the guilt of that around for the rest of my life.

I’ve tried to do a lot this week. Physically and mentally. I have to start trying to fix myself, bit by bit.  I’ll never be fully repaired, but I hope to find pieces of myself here and there and put them back together. My pieces will never fit perfectly again, so I’m going to have to relearn how to live with them, as shattered, cracked, bruised and battered as they may be. I have to learn how to live with this pain now, if I am going to stay on this earth.

This week is almost over. I’ve done a lot. A lot of therapy. A lot of mommy things. A lot of being productive. I want to say fuck it all and not do any of this. But I have this fire that lives inside of me now that refuses to let me be quiet and give up. I am pissed at the world and have too much passion from the pain of losing you. I’m not giving up. No matter how many doors I have slammed in my face. I deserve answers, I deserve to hear I’m sorry from the fucking medical world that failed us, I deserve to create changes in this fucked up world of childhood cancer. I deserve to help others. It is what you would want. You would want me to find a reason to go on. You would want me to break down every fucking door to get there. I will make you proud of me. I know how much you loved me. I know you loved me more than anything or anyone. I know you will always be proud of me, which is why I refuse to give in to this hell that is now my life. And FYI….. Fuck this Zoloft. I’m done with it. I’m not taking it anymore. I know I’m going to be told to wean myself off of it, but too bad. I’m stopping it cold turkey. Is that dangerous? Maybe. Is it going to kill me? I doubt it. I’ve made my mind up about this and you know how I am once I make my mind up about something. I don’t want to be on a medication because my feelings about losing you are too intense. I needed this medication during your treatment, when you were still here with me, because I took care of you, 24/7. You are gone now. And I am done with this crap. I don’t want to live a life of being on meds. I want to be cleansed. I want to get back in touch with my reality, without being medicated. I’m strong enough to do this. And if I’m not, I will reevaluate the situation. I’m not ready to give up my sleepy meds yet. The Ristoral that I have taking makes me less insane. I’m sleeping a little better. I’m not saying crazy things in the middle of the night to your daddy like I was before. That drug is hardcore and really messed with my mind. I don’t like to feel out of control and that is how I felt when I was on it. I’ll admit for a while, it felt kind of good because it was an easy escape and I didn’t have to be responsible for the way I acted. I could just blame it on the Ambien. I don’t want to have to blame things for my behavior. I want to be able to blame myself, not some drug that is effecting my sleep and my life, so deeply. I still need the Ristoral though. I’m not even close to being at peace with anything and I know that trying to sleep on my own is torture. The lack of sleep that comes with all of this is something that I cannot handle at this point. I need sleep. I need a break from everything and sleeping is the only break I’m going to get.

At this point in my life, I feel like I’m on autopilot. I think I’m back in shock again. I talked to you after my run tonight and I didn’t even cry. It was strange as I am always able to cry about you. Not tonight. I sat there, in the dark, on a bench, and talked to you but no tears came out. I feel numb. I feel like I don’t want to feel anything so I am going to just shut all of my feelings down. This is when I decided to screw the Zolfoft. I think this may be part of the problem. I want to feel and not feeling anything tonight, scared the shit out of me. I don’t have normal feelings at all. Happiness, excitement, and hope are not part of my world anymore. Feeling love from others feels foreign to me as if I’m not worthy of it. I feel nothing. Today, I was able to put on my FUCK CANCER game face and put together a plan of attack. I was able to figure out what steps I need to take in the right direction to make a difference. Baby steps, but I have somewhat of a plan. I have an idea for a plan of one of the many things I want to do. I have to do because I am so angry about the lack of knowledge we were given when you were diagnosed. It is unacceptable and cruel. And fucking bullshit. I know that things take time and baby steps are necessary. Baby steps are a start in the right direction and I know they will lead to bigger and better things. Good thing I am a patient person by nature. Patient but passionate. I think those things will both work in my favor.

I have so much more to tell you. About the amazing lady I saw from the MISS foundation this week. For the first time since losing you, I felt like maybe, just maybe, I can survive this. I can change things. I felt this way because Dr. Joanne may be one of the most incredible souls I’ve ever come into contact with. Instant connection not to mention she is brilliant. And compassionate. She’s taken her pain, educated herself on grief, and turned it into an amazing organization. She inspires me. I need to be inspired right now. I need to see that great things can come out of something so tragic and awful from losing a child. I need to know that I can become a better person through all of this and make a big mark in this world by helping to find a cure, by helping other families, by giving all I have to give. I am going to take everything I used to save you, and throw it into helping other people. I know I’m not ready for this just quite yet, as I have some things I have to work on myself. I have to make sure your brothers are o.k. as they need me more than ever. I cannot let them down. I have to do this for you. They deserve to have the best life possible. I have to be a part of making that happen. I cannot just check out, Ro. It’s a lot of pressure but I think I can do it. I promise to try my hardest.

I’ve worked out everyday this week. Hiking in the heat, boot camp, running. It all feels good. It makes me feel alive for about an hour which is better than nothing. It makes me smile when I feel the sweat stinging my eyes. It makes me realize for a small moment in time, I can feel again. It’s not always good, but it’s better than being numb. I don’t want to walk around this life like a robot. I want you back more than anything but I know that is not going to happen. But I also know that I will see you again. We will meet up in our next life together and it will be even more amazing than this one. I truly believe that. Our bond and connection is too strong for that not to happen, my love.

That is all for tonight. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Please watch over all the beautiful souls that love you so much. Please visit them in their dreams. You are not ready to visit me yet, as I am too consumed by my pain. You will know when you are ready to see me again, to let me know you are safe. Please keep your brothers safe. Thank you for keeping Fernanda safe. I know that was you. I know you are part of her soul. I’m not thanking God for anything anymore, Ro. I’m thanking you. You are my God. You are my heaven. And someday you will be my peace. I love you so much. I miss you every second of the day. I promise I won’t let you down.

Sweet dreams my little devil.

xoxo

 

Pain is my Peace

Ro baby. Hi my spicy boy. It’s time for my love letter to you tonight. I’ve missed a couple of days of writing. I always hate when I don’t get to write to you. I’m learning that this writing thing is like a beautiful, tragic, love story. One that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop writing because I never want it to end. It’s my way of keeping you somewhat alive, I guess. It helps me, even though it may seem like nothing is helping. I think today is Monday….. I think. Crap. I’m wrong. It’s Tuesday. The days are still blurry and the things that go on in my days are all jumbled together. I remember yesterday…. somewhat. I didn’t wake up for boot camp. Sorry Tammy. My sleeping is still out of whack. I stopped taking my Ambien and started trying Ristoral. We shall see. The first night I took it, I still tossed and turned and had very vivid nightmares. So I went to basically not dreaming at all for the past few months to having such excruciating nightmares that I woke up 5 or 6 times during the night drenched in my sweat. I wandered around the house. Looked outside at the moon for a while. Sat in your room. I fell back asleep around 4 a.m. There was no way I could get my booty to boot camp. I dropped your brothers off at school after sleeping until 7, then I went hiking at 9 a.m. It was bloody hot. I was determined to sweat all of the demons out of my body from the night before. Sweat them out I did. It must have been about 104 by the time I got to the top. It felt good. I did the same thing today. Same time, same place, with nobody else in sight. I love how empty the mountain is. Once I get to the top, I sit there for about a half an hour and cook in the sun. I talk to you out loud a lot. I always cry. I tell you, hi. I tell you I miss you. I ask you where you are. I tell you I’m sorry. That I need your help to get me through this. I tell you I don’t know what to do without you and I always tell you I hope you are safe. It’s become therapeutic to me. As I was running down the mountain today…. full speed with Katy Perry blasting, it dawned on me. This exercising is the ONLY thing that gives me some sort of relief from all of this pain. It is during this time that I have to focus on not breaking my neck as I plow down the hill as fast as I can. I focus on my body and pushing myself so much that the physical pain hurts. I don’t stop no matter how tired or out of breath I get. I want to stop sometimes, but then I think of you. I like the physical pain as it gives my mind a break. It is my church, my meditation, and it is slowly becoming my peace.

Oh, Ro. You made me smile tonight. Just as I am writing to you, the thunder starts, the lighting, the buckets of rain. You know how I love the rain. I’ll never forget that one day with you. We had just moved into our beautiful house. It was your nap time and it was pouring rain. We made a bed on the floor in my room and sat and watched out the french doors in my bedroom as the rain flooded everything. We sat and watched and listened. We rolled around and laughed and I don’t think you ended up taking a nap. You little rule breaker, you. It was pure bliss. I remember that moment, and how happy I was. I felt like the luckiest mama in the world to be there with you, watching the rain. It was one of the sweetest, most simple moments of my life. I have Quinn here with me now. We made a bed on the floor in the same spot the two of us did. We are watching the rain, together. We are missing you, together.

Last night, we had Curriculum night at your brothers’ school. Holy anxiety attack. I about lost it. It was way too stuffy in the cafeteria, way too many people, and way too long to stand still. At one point I whispered to your daddy that I had to leave. He just grabbed me tight and told me it was o.k. That I could do this. I stuck it out. Melissa was there, close by. She knew I was about to flip out. She said she almost grabbed me and ripped me out of the cafeteria. I so wished she would have. But I survived. Don’t ask me how, but I did. We had to go to your brothers classrooms after the cafeteria. I went to Quinn’s, your Daddy went to Liam’s. I did o.k. there. I was strong and fought back the tears as a picture of you popped up on my phone, randomly. My mind started racing about how I would never be taking you to school again, how I would never get to meet your teachers, your new friends, etc….. I quickly wiped the tears away and tried to get back to focusing on the task I was there to do. I left the classroom quickly when the talking was over. I didn’t stay to sign up for things with the other mom’s. I couldn’t mentally do it. I went to find your Daddy but he was still in Liam’s classroom. Just as I was getting ready to sit down outside, Melissa came and found me. My sweet saving grace. She didn’t want me to sit alone, so she sat and waited with me for until your Daddy came out. Thank god. I had the chance to say hello to some moms that I really like though. That was nice. It is always nice to get a hug from some friendly faces. It’s funny though all of this, you really see who are genuinely, good-hearted people. I feel like I have a gift for this now. I had the chance to give somebody a big hug that I have wanted to do for a long time. One of my busy, little bees. It felt so nice to hug her and tell her thank you. I want to do that with everyone who helped and I am going to set something up, as soon as I get myself a little more organized and my head on straight. I am hoping that day will come sooner rather than later.

Today, I hiked again. Bloody hot but worth it. I don’t mind the heat the way I used to. As long as it involves an escape for me, I’m down with it. Bring it on, Mo Fo. I am getting my butt up for boot camp tomorrow though. I have my alarm set. I have to otherwise I know what happens if I don’t. I sit and obsess about it all day long. Add it to my list of things I’m fixated on now. Boot camp or Bust. Who’s going to start joining me???? Hello my friends…. I’ll take all the motivation I can get to get there. If I had you all, counting on me, I would be less likely to skip days. http://www.phxbootcamp.com. Get your butts there with me. Stop making excuses. I promise, it will change you life:)

So, Ro baby. I’m nervous to tell you this…. but I actually had an o.k. day. Just o.k. but it was a better day than I’ve had in a long time. I had lunch with one of my busy bees. It was lovely. We talked about The Brightest Star in the Sky event next year. I got to know her a bit and loved every second of it. Pure heart, smart, caring, and no hidden agendas and passionate about making a difference in this world. She had me at hello 🙂 I’m so thankful to have had so many people step up to the plate, to teach me that they care more about shopping, vacations, and wine drinking. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but adding a little something more to your life in such a meaningful way is good for everyone. It’s good for the soul. And a good soul can make all the difference in the world. After our lunch, your daddy picked me up so we could go to our therapist together. I was honestly dreading it. I feel so disconnected to everything now. Having to reconnect with your daddy, in front of a stranger, gave me a lot of anxiety. But once we got there, within 10 minutes, I knew this was going to be a good thing and something we desperately need. It was hard and we didn’t even get into the hard stuff yet. It was mostly an introduction and then she wanted a background on us and what we had just been through. There were a lot of tears, a lot of not being able to speak because having to re tell the story of you is so unbelievably painful. But we did it as best we could. And we did it together. I am proud of us. I liked this lady too. She knows stuff and I liked her honestly. We will go back together, I’m sure for a long time, as this is not something we can work through overnight. This is also something we cannot do without outside help. We both know this. Afterwords, we spent some time together and it ALMOST felt good to me. ALMOST. My pain is not capable of letting me feel good about anything now, but it is the closest I’ve come in a long time to feeling this way around your daddy. He is the most amazing man on the planet. I know this. As hard as all of this is, I think we will be o.k. I know there are no guarantees in life, but what we have is too amazing to throw away. He is my best friend, despite my brattiness that I often display to him. I don’t mean to, which is why I have to figure out how to deal with all of this pain, instead of taking it out on him. He is my easiest target and does not deserve any of it. You don’t get a better man/father than the Wooddawg.

Alright my little man. I’m tired. I’m going to try this Ristoral tonight We shall see. I love you to the moon and back, my blue eyed boy. I miss you so much and hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my dear.

xoxo

                                                   I LOVE US….. FOREVER TOGETHER.

Boot camp baby steps

Ronan. 5 a.m. The alarm on my phone goes off. I grab it, although I have only fallen asleep a few hours ago. I look at my phone as it sings, “Fix You,” by Coldplay. It speaks to me. The words on the screen flash, “Please get up. Ronan would want you to.” I stumble out of bed, throw on my workout clothes, brush my teeth and run out the door. It is still dark outside as I drive down the familiar route to my destination. I think back to the last time I had been there. You were sick. I was so beaten down, out of shape and I remember feeling for the first time in my life, that the physical exercise that I was trying to do,was just too much. More mentally than physically. I pulled into the parking lot of Boot Camp today just as the sun was starting to rise. I carried my yoga mat and weights to the oh so familiar place. My heaven. There stood Tammy, just like always. I set down my things as she greeted me with a smile and a much overdue, long hug. I don’t remember the words that were exchanged, as it doesn’t matter. Words were not even needed, as it just felt right. I took off for our warm up laps and my feet felt light as feathers beneath me. I spent the next 45 minutes drenched in sweat and determination. At one point, we were all in our groups doing something on our mats. I cannot even remember what exercise it was…. the plank maybe. We were all yelling out our standard, “One havalina, two havilana, three havalina……. something Tammy makes us scream out during exercises…. Instead of havalina, I said Ronan instead. “One, Ronan, Two, Ronan, Three, Ronan……….. I pushed myself to the point of almost throwing up. I pushed myself and I didn’t care as the pain didn’t matter. All that mattered is that I there, and was doing the very best I could do with you pushing me to work harder. Boot Camp should be called Soak Camp because you leave there totally drenched. The combo of hard work and heat was enough to make anyone pass out. It felt so good to be there today. I am so sore already.

As I was leaving and telling Tammy thank you, she cornered me and told me she wanted me to commit to coming to her boot camp tomorrow too. I told her about my sleep and how messed up it is but she didn’t seem to care. She made me promise, if I’m up, I’ll be there. She pushes me and that is exactly what I need now. I’ll be there. If I want to start trying to heal a bit from the loss of you, Ro. I have to start doing some healthy things that will open me up. Living the life I am living has been awful as it is not a life at all. Baby step 1) Committing to Boot Camp. That is all I can commit to as of now. But it least it is a start. And it is such a huge release to me as I tend to keep everything inside. Getting it out while sweating my butt off, in nature, is so therapeutic. And Tammy is so gifted with her ability to motivate everyone, no matter what their situation is. She has such a feisty, pure, sassy soul that I adore. Even when she is yelling at us, I catch myself smiling.

After Boot Camp ended, I drove home and hopped in the shower. I got ready for the day, packed lunches, got the boys up, showered, dressed, and fed them breakfast. We were out the door right on time. Liam was so excited, Quinn was so nervous. I dropped Quinn off first, kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him and would see him at 3:15. I walked Liam down to his class, and he practically skipped into his classroom without even a kiss goodbye. I grabbed him, told him I loved him, and kissed him on the cheek.

I walked out of that school today, a wreck. I talked to you a lot, Ro. I looked for you in the backseat of my car. You weren’t there. I’m sorry. I drove home in a blur of tears again. I looked at my “To Do,” list and starting checking off boxes. I had the entire thing done in 2 hours. I ran some errands, met Woody and Uncle Jay for lunch. Jay was there before your Daddy. I sat across from him and just started bawling. He held my hand and listened to me blab about how my life has no meaning anymore. Well, at least from 9-3. How I had for the past 8 years, always been taking care of my babies, and now my big babies are off at school and my little baby is dead. I don’t know what to do with myself as I am not used to all of this freedom. I don’t like it. It should be illegal. But there is nothing I can do about it now…. when my plan comes to place it is going to be because it is right, not rushed. So for the time being….. I’m in limbo…. totally lost….. feel like a total loser…… feel scared….sad…. and empty. I came home a couple of times during the day and just held your ashes in your bedroom and cried on the floor for you. I yelled for you a lot in this house today. At one point, I almost threw up all over the laundry room.

My life is meaningless without you. Especially now that your brothers are gone for 6 hours out of the day. I know I want to start helping others….. I just don’t know if I am mentally stable enough to do that yet. It has only been 3 months. 3 months in 5 and a half hours. 3:30 a.m. will be here soon. I cannot believe I’ve lived 3 months without you already Ronan. I miss you so much. We all do.

I picked up the twins from school. I watched all the other mom’s, holding the hands of their 3.5/4-year-old siblings. O.k. I’m usually not like this, but it ripped my heart out. I wanted so badly to be holding you hand. Or fighting you to make you hold my hand because you always would refuse to and would run ahead of me instead. Baby Danger we used to call you. I sat and waited outside of Quinn’s class, sweating like a pig. Seriously, this heat has got to go. I smiled to a few people, but mostly just put my head down to avoid eye contact. There was no way I was capable of holding a conversation today. Quinn bounced out of the classroom, so excited to see me. I asked his teacher how he did, and she said she was the luckiest teacher in the world to have him as her student. Maybe she says this about every kid, but it was still nice to hear. Quinn is a good boy. I know he is a teacher’s dream student. Same with Liam. They are such good boys and I am so thankful for that.

Liam and Quinn were both so excited about their day at school. They gave it 5 out of 5 stars and said they loved it. That’s one less thing for me to have to worry about tonight. I am so happy they loved it so much. It means everything to me that they do well in school and are well rounded, good, kids…. especially considering everything we have just been though. That says a lot about them. I really couldn’t ask for better boys.

We returned home and I got Quinn ready to go and talk to Dr. Beth. He was nervous, but I explained everything to him as detailed as I possibly could. Dr. Beth greeted us in her waiting area and we just kind of got to know each other out there. We all 3 stayed out in the waiting area for a good 25 minutes. She then had Quinn come into her play office and I sat outside the window in a comfy oversized chair. I could hear Quinn in there giggling, as always. I waited patiently for him to finish up as I was anxious to see what they had done. When the hour was up, Quinn came out of the room and gave me the biggest hug. He then wanted to show me what they had done. I went in to the room that they had been in and sat down in the little chair in front of the whiteboard. Quinn had written out names of our family members: Mom, Dad, Liam, Quinn, Ronan. Dr. Beth said she and Quinn talked about how even though Ronan wasn’t here, he would always be in our hearts; forever. Quinn also had Luke’s name written down. Dr. Beth said Quinn told her all about Luke and how he came to the Ryan House to lay with Ronan and how much time he spent with him. Dr. Beth was very impressed with Luke and said he must have a very big heart. I told her that he has become a big part of our family and that he and Ronan had a very strong bond. I thought it was sweet that Quinn brought it up. It means so much to him.

We left there saying goodbye and Dr. Beth said she would talk to me about Quinn more tomorrow. Liam’s appointment is tomorrow at 5. I’m anxious to see how he takes to it. Quinn did quite well and said he wants to go back on Monday. Music to my ears! He needs this so badly and the fact that he has already taken to it lifts a little weight off of my shoulders. I spent the rest of the night telling the boys how proud I was of them for their great day at school, how much I loved and missed them, and how I had a good day too. Although, my day could not have been more painful, I could not tell them that. I knew it was going to be hard…. but today was ridiculous. I am surprised I survived. I usually get so tired during the days that I do boot camp, but my body does not seem to do tired anymore. It’s like I am running on electricity 24 hours a day. Adrenaline, maybe? Whatever it is, it’s not fun. I would love to be so exhausted that I have no choice but to fall asleep in a REM sleep for a good 6 hours. I wonder if that day will ever come again. I wonder if any of this will get any easier. I cannot take another day like today, but I suspect it will not be my last.

Ronan. Where are you?? I wish I could see you. I felt you at boot camp this morning. You make me go faster and work harder. I love you for that. You know when I need that push to get me going. Thanks for making me get up out of bed this morning. I love you to the moon and back baby. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Our good friends, Brandon and Janette welcomed a new baby boy into their lives today. They named him Cooper Ronan. I cried looking at his sweet picture. He is perfect. Congrats Bunger Family!!