Inferno Fuckwad Bob

Ro baby. So, remember how I told you I was going to stop cold turkey, taking my Zoloft…. mainly because everyone told me not to. That I needed to slowly come off from it. I didn’t listen. I stopped taking it over two weeks ago. I did it, all by myself and I’m still here. I didn’t have any side effects. I just feel better. One less medication that I am on. I do not want to live my life with the help of Zoloft. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I just want to find another way to get through this pain and I don’t want any help from a pill. I tried this last night with the Ristoral I am taking to help me sleep. I tried not to take it. It was awful. I tossed and turned for a few hours, while lying next to your Daddy. I dozed off, here and there but the screaming in my head was too much to take. The dreams were too mean and vivid. I got up, around 12:30, and paced the house; looking for you. I took 2 of my sleepy meds and ate a bowl of cereal. I had not eaten all day long. I crawled up into Liam’s top bunk bed and fell asleep until 7 a.m. I woke up groggy, and felt hung over. Your Daddy looked worried as he could see the glazed over look in my eyes. He decided to take Liam and Quinn to school for me. It was a good thing, because I mentally was a wreck today. I don’t remember what happened next, but before I knew it, I was laying my head on the kitchen table, sobbing into your blanket, with your Urn in front of me. I went and grabbed the locket that Macy got me, that does not have a picture of you in it yet. I got out the scissors and cut open the plastic holder that keeps your ashes sealed. I found some glue, rubbed it on the inside of the locket, took my hands and picked up some of your ashes. I felt them for the first time. I kissed them and I took a little of them and sprinkled them to the inside of the locket filled with glue. Fernanda called. I ignored her phone call. I sat and sobbed with you instead. She called, again, about 20 minutes later. I picked up this time. “What are you doing?” she said. I couldn’t talk, so I didn’t say anything; I just sat and cried into the phone. “Where are you?!” she asked in her beautiful English, Spanish, and Italian accent. “Home,” I said. She said,”I’ll be there in 2 minutes.” And she was. She pulled up and I opened up the door, my face black from my mascara. I really need to freaking invest in some waterproof mascara at this point in my life. She grabbed me and let me cry all over her all white blouse. My angel.

We sat at the table for a bit. I told her what I had just done with some of your ashes. I said to her, what if these had been your beautiful blue eyes. She told me they were not. Your eyes, left long before you were cremated. I agree. She put her head down on the table with me and we sat and cried and talked. I told her I needed to get coffee if I was going to function at all today. We ran to Safeway and sat on the couch at the Starbucks. A woman came and sat down next to us. She overheard some of our conversation. We started talking to her. Turns out, she had a 2-year-old who had died, and she had lost a baby from a miscarriage as well. She told me how lucky I was to have a friend, like Fernanda… as she had nobody. All I wanted to do was take this woman home and love her. She does not have a Liam and Quinn to keep her going. She does not have a reason to get up in the morning. But she has found one…. whatever it may be. That is true strength. I told her about your website, and I gave her one of the MISS Foundation cards. I told her about them. She said she didn’t even know something like that existed. I told her to call them. I hope she will. I wish I could have done more for this woman today; but I did all I could do.

The rest of the day was a blur. Quinn went to Dr. Beth. He is so needing her now. As well as your brothers are doing in school…. which from what I can tell, they are excelling….. I know this outside help is so important for them now. I know in the long run, it will make a difference. We are choosing to face this head on, not bury it down in the ground. Their therapy is a big part of this so I plan on continuing it for as long as we need…. even if it is for the rest of their lives. I hope it won’t be, as I want them to be able to go on and live normal, happy lives. But to get them to that point, this is so necessary.

I went to see Dr. Joanne. It was a really long, intense session. I ended up being able to write out that grief worksheet before I saw her. I wrote it out this morning, in a really random, public place. I have struggled with the finding the words to fill it out all week. I have carried that worksheet all over with me, and when I sat with it today, the words to the questions just came pouring out. It took me only a few minutes to answer the 5 or 6 questions. One of the things I had to answer was, if I had to Name my grief; him/her, I’d call him/her…… ??? What???? I had to come up with a name for my grief. The name, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, just flew out of my head. That is what I wrote. I named my grief, INFERNO FUCKWAD BOB. I have no idea where in the world this name came from, but it is perfect. Dr. J sat with my sheet of paper and asked if I thought I could read it out loud to her. I told her No. She asked if she could read it out loud. I said yes. So she did. I think I cried while she was reading my words. I think I bawled pretty much the entire time I sat and talked with her today. When she got to the name of your grief part, hearing her say that out loud, made me laugh. She giggled a bit too, and told me she had heard some interesting names for Grief in her time, but this may have been the most interesting. It was at that point, that I knew that there was no other name in the world for my pain, my hurt, my grief. Inferno Fuckwad Bob, it is. I hope he is not always so present in my life, but for now he is; and I cannot ignore him.

After our session, I came home, threw on my hiking clothes and drove to The Inferno. I ran my butt off up the mountain. I saw Mountain Mike again, which was strange because I was there much later in the day than I usually am. He was coming down as I was running up. I took out my headphones to say Hello. We chatted for a minute, then he said for me to keep going as he didn’t want to keep me. As I got to the top of the mountain, I took my time to talk to you. I didn’t see the Eagles today, but that was o.k. I did some stretching and breathing. I put my headphones on full blast and got ready to run as fast as I could down the mountain. Just as I was getting ready to run, I got this text from Dr. Joanne.

Goosebumps ran down my spine. I had gone into the bathroom, after I left her office. I just needed to wipe down my face and dry my eyes. I was in the bathroom for maybe 30 seconds. I am always intentionally leaving your bracelets places…. on my hikes, random restaurants, grocery stores, etc….. It never even crossed my mind to leave one in the bathroom of her office building today. But she found one, in the sink. I asked her if it was the naughty or nice version. It was the naughty. I thought I was totally out of all of those, but apparently one found it’s way to Dr. Joanne. So random. So something you would do. I have hesitated about giving her one…. just not wanting to overstep my boundaries as I know not everyone is comfortable with the F word. I guess you had other ideas and know she is deserving of wearing it. Because she is a badass:) I am so glad, baby. I thought so too, but you made it happen. Thank you for that and for making me smile so big after seeing that text from Dr. J.

As soon as I turned my headphones up as loud as they would go, and starting running as fast as my legs could possibly carry me, without falling on my face, another little thing happened. I have decided one of the ways you are communicating with me, is through music. I had my iPod blaring, and you had decided what my playlist was going to be. From the time I started running, until I stopped at my car, these are the songs that came on, in this order. Pearl Jam, Given to Fly. Coldplay, Fix You. Band of Horses, No One’s Gonna Love You, and it ended with Katy Perry, Firework. I mean really, Ro. That was so sweet of you. It made me smile, cry, smile, laugh and blow kisses up into the sky. I love you so much, baby. I miss you so much.

The rest of the evening was spent at home with your brothers, Daddy, Danielle and Dave stopped by with their new puppy; Bash. We sat outside and played with him. Such a sweet, simple night. I often feel you around when Danielle is with me. She is one of the people in my life that makes me feel peaceful. I needed that tonight. Thanks, D. Love you.

Alright, my “not spicy, little monkey boy. I’m going to try to get some sleep. Really want to do boot camp in the a.m. but have not been succeeding in waking up for my 5 a.m. booty, boot camp call. Maybe tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. G’night my love.

xoxo

You are my God, my Heaven, and someday, my Peace

 

 

 

Ro baby. Hi. I’m still here. I’m going to say, unfortunately, because that’s what I’m feeling at this time. As much as I talk to you and ask you to take me with you…. I don’t think you are going to. You want me here, on this earth, and I have to do my time. I feel like I’m trapped in a prison cell and nobody is ever coming to free me. And I know you know why. It’s because nobody can save me, but myself. I have to learn how to set my soul free, to be reborn again because of now, I still feel like I am walking around dead. I cannot go on like this forever which is why I am forcing myself to do things that I really don’t want to do, but I know if I don’t, everybody loses. Even you. And that is not acceptable in my book because I have so much making up to you to do. I will tell you I’m sorry everyday, 20 times a day, for the rest of my life. I’m sorry for so many things. But most of all, for not being able to save you, when I promised you I would. I will carry the guilt of that around for the rest of my life.

I’ve tried to do a lot this week. Physically and mentally. I have to start trying to fix myself, bit by bit.  I’ll never be fully repaired, but I hope to find pieces of myself here and there and put them back together. My pieces will never fit perfectly again, so I’m going to have to relearn how to live with them, as shattered, cracked, bruised and battered as they may be. I have to learn how to live with this pain now, if I am going to stay on this earth.

This week is almost over. I’ve done a lot. A lot of therapy. A lot of mommy things. A lot of being productive. I want to say fuck it all and not do any of this. But I have this fire that lives inside of me now that refuses to let me be quiet and give up. I am pissed at the world and have too much passion from the pain of losing you. I’m not giving up. No matter how many doors I have slammed in my face. I deserve answers, I deserve to hear I’m sorry from the fucking medical world that failed us, I deserve to create changes in this fucked up world of childhood cancer. I deserve to help others. It is what you would want. You would want me to find a reason to go on. You would want me to break down every fucking door to get there. I will make you proud of me. I know how much you loved me. I know you loved me more than anything or anyone. I know you will always be proud of me, which is why I refuse to give in to this hell that is now my life. And FYI….. Fuck this Zoloft. I’m done with it. I’m not taking it anymore. I know I’m going to be told to wean myself off of it, but too bad. I’m stopping it cold turkey. Is that dangerous? Maybe. Is it going to kill me? I doubt it. I’ve made my mind up about this and you know how I am once I make my mind up about something. I don’t want to be on a medication because my feelings about losing you are too intense. I needed this medication during your treatment, when you were still here with me, because I took care of you, 24/7. You are gone now. And I am done with this crap. I don’t want to live a life of being on meds. I want to be cleansed. I want to get back in touch with my reality, without being medicated. I’m strong enough to do this. And if I’m not, I will reevaluate the situation. I’m not ready to give up my sleepy meds yet. The Ristoral that I have taking makes me less insane. I’m sleeping a little better. I’m not saying crazy things in the middle of the night to your daddy like I was before. That drug is hardcore and really messed with my mind. I don’t like to feel out of control and that is how I felt when I was on it. I’ll admit for a while, it felt kind of good because it was an easy escape and I didn’t have to be responsible for the way I acted. I could just blame it on the Ambien. I don’t want to have to blame things for my behavior. I want to be able to blame myself, not some drug that is effecting my sleep and my life, so deeply. I still need the Ristoral though. I’m not even close to being at peace with anything and I know that trying to sleep on my own is torture. The lack of sleep that comes with all of this is something that I cannot handle at this point. I need sleep. I need a break from everything and sleeping is the only break I’m going to get.

At this point in my life, I feel like I’m on autopilot. I think I’m back in shock again. I talked to you after my run tonight and I didn’t even cry. It was strange as I am always able to cry about you. Not tonight. I sat there, in the dark, on a bench, and talked to you but no tears came out. I feel numb. I feel like I don’t want to feel anything so I am going to just shut all of my feelings down. This is when I decided to screw the Zolfoft. I think this may be part of the problem. I want to feel and not feeling anything tonight, scared the shit out of me. I don’t have normal feelings at all. Happiness, excitement, and hope are not part of my world anymore. Feeling love from others feels foreign to me as if I’m not worthy of it. I feel nothing. Today, I was able to put on my FUCK CANCER game face and put together a plan of attack. I was able to figure out what steps I need to take in the right direction to make a difference. Baby steps, but I have somewhat of a plan. I have an idea for a plan of one of the many things I want to do. I have to do because I am so angry about the lack of knowledge we were given when you were diagnosed. It is unacceptable and cruel. And fucking bullshit. I know that things take time and baby steps are necessary. Baby steps are a start in the right direction and I know they will lead to bigger and better things. Good thing I am a patient person by nature. Patient but passionate. I think those things will both work in my favor.

I have so much more to tell you. About the amazing lady I saw from the MISS foundation this week. For the first time since losing you, I felt like maybe, just maybe, I can survive this. I can change things. I felt this way because Dr. Joanne may be one of the most incredible souls I’ve ever come into contact with. Instant connection not to mention she is brilliant. And compassionate. She’s taken her pain, educated herself on grief, and turned it into an amazing organization. She inspires me. I need to be inspired right now. I need to see that great things can come out of something so tragic and awful from losing a child. I need to know that I can become a better person through all of this and make a big mark in this world by helping to find a cure, by helping other families, by giving all I have to give. I am going to take everything I used to save you, and throw it into helping other people. I know I’m not ready for this just quite yet, as I have some things I have to work on myself. I have to make sure your brothers are o.k. as they need me more than ever. I cannot let them down. I have to do this for you. They deserve to have the best life possible. I have to be a part of making that happen. I cannot just check out, Ro. It’s a lot of pressure but I think I can do it. I promise to try my hardest.

I’ve worked out everyday this week. Hiking in the heat, boot camp, running. It all feels good. It makes me feel alive for about an hour which is better than nothing. It makes me smile when I feel the sweat stinging my eyes. It makes me realize for a small moment in time, I can feel again. It’s not always good, but it’s better than being numb. I don’t want to walk around this life like a robot. I want you back more than anything but I know that is not going to happen. But I also know that I will see you again. We will meet up in our next life together and it will be even more amazing than this one. I truly believe that. Our bond and connection is too strong for that not to happen, my love.

That is all for tonight. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Please watch over all the beautiful souls that love you so much. Please visit them in their dreams. You are not ready to visit me yet, as I am too consumed by my pain. You will know when you are ready to see me again, to let me know you are safe. Please keep your brothers safe. Thank you for keeping Fernanda safe. I know that was you. I know you are part of her soul. I’m not thanking God for anything anymore, Ro. I’m thanking you. You are my God. You are my heaven. And someday you will be my peace. I love you so much. I miss you every second of the day. I promise I won’t let you down.

Sweet dreams my little devil.

xoxo