I’m Just a Girl in the World

Favorite conversation of the night:

Me: “Ronan, you’re so nice.”

Ronan: “Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

Ronan: “Mom, you’re so cute.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ronan: “You’re so welcome.”

I love his little voice so much. And that smile could melt your heart. I love that every night he curls up beside me and holds my hand as he falls asleep. I love waking up to him each morning — his bright blue eyes, how excited he is to wake up his brothers and start the day. Being with Ronan is like a piece of heaven. He is my little pea, and I am so lucky to be his pod.

Sarah came over early so I could go to my therapist appointment. It was a good one, as always. I always leave there more vulnerable, with a flood of emotions running through me. It feels like a cleansing of my soul — something I really need. After that, I ran some errands and came home to a happy Ronan who told me he missed me so much. He was all snuggled up in my bed with Sarah. As Sarah was leaving, she told Ro she loved him, and he told her he loved her too. So sweet.

Ronan is not feeling well today. He was really clingy most of the day. My dear friend Gay came over to help me pack. Thank God for her. She just comes in here, snaps her fingers, and bam — it’s done. She is so much fun to be with, even when we are doing things like packing up bags. We got Liam and Quinn’s bags packed and Ronan’s too. One more check mark off my list.

Pam also stopped by and had Gay and me cracking up the entire time with her stories about being at Sloan with her daughter — and how important her flat iron and lip gloss were to her. It was her coping mechanism, and I love that. Her daughter was having major surgery, and Pam sat there applying lip gloss over and over again. I totally get it. I know I am going to be the same way. Anything to make the situation feel a little more normal.

I was so happy and thankful for those two today. They made me laugh a lot, which is something I needed since I spent the majority of the morning crying over anything and everything. The anticipation of leaving him is enough to send me over the edge.

I also got to see Niki and Fernanda for a bit. They both buzzed by quickly. Again, I feel so lucky for the friends I have. They keep me going because I can see how much what we are going through has changed them. Their lives will never be the same, simply because of the kind of people they are. That shows me what amazing hearts they have. All of my friends are this way — they are the ones I keep closest to my heart. I will keep them there for the rest of my life.

Woody and I had a good little powwow tonight. He is always so interested in my therapy sessions, and sometimes I don’t really feel like telling him about them. We got into it a little bit — in a healthy way. I told him what was going on and how I need to deal with a lot of this on my own, in my own way. He gets it and is giving me my space.

He also told me he knows exactly what I am thinking — that my deepest fear is that he will walk out on me like my dad did. He told me he will never give up on me and never let me down the way my father has. I know this about Woody. It is one of the main reasons I married him. No matter how much I push him away because I am hurting, he won’t let me drift too far.

He has been really great about giving me space but also reminding me that we need each other. Before I met Woody, I was used to dealing with things in my life on my own, by myself. When you are in the middle of a crisis, it is easy to revert back to that. I am trying not to. But I am very independent and stubborn, and my mind tricks me into thinking I can do everything on my own.

I am working on these things. I don’t want to go through this alone, but I also need space. I am hoping to find a happy medium — if that is even possible.

Woody and I always joke the Gwen Stefani‘s “I’m just a girl in the world,” is my theme song. So tonight’s song is dedicated to the Wooddawg. And the other love of my life, Gwen Stefani.

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I’m exposed
And it’s no big surprise
Don’t you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
‘Cause I’m just a girl, little ‘ol me
Don’t let me out of your sight
I’m just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don’t let me have any rights

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can’t do the little things I hold so dear
‘Cause it’s all those little things
That I fear

‘Cause I’m just a girl I’d rather not be
‘Cause they won’t let me drive
Late at night I’m just a girl,
Guess I’m some kind of freak
‘Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I’m just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
Oh…am I making myself clear?
I’m just a girl
I’m just a girl in the world…
That’s all that you’ll let me be!
I’m just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I’m just a girl, what’s my destiny?
What I’ve succumbed to Is making me numb
I’m just a girl, my apologies
What I’ve become is so burdensome
I’m just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there’s no comparison

Oh…I’ve had it up to!
Oh…I’ve had it up to!!
Oh…I’ve had it up to here!

And yes, how lovely is this dress…. I would totally wear this dress while singing “I’m just a girl,” to the Wooddawg.

xoxox

Nighty Night! Sweet Dreams!