I am numb… and cancer is dumb

Clinic Day! Ro got platelets and blood to boost him up for our flight on Monday. He has been tired the last couple of days; crashing from the chemo. His ANC is at 10… which means he has no immune system. Dr. Eshin said it was good that we were flying on a private jet, otherwise he would have reconsidered letting us go on a commercial flight. I’m just going to say this one little thing to this man, whom I don’t even know, but I am calling him Mr. W. Dear Mr. W…. I don’t even know if you read this blog, I don’t know you, but I hope to meet you someday. You don’t want any recognition for what you are doing for us, which speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. I used to know people who if they would have done something like this for us, they would have wanted a neon sign outside their house, announcing it to the world. You don’t want anything and are doing this from the kindness of your heart. I am saying thank you, with tears pouring down my cheeks. You are giving us the most amazing gift by getting Ronan to New York as safely as possible without compromising his immune system. Please know how thankful we are for you and what you are doing for our family. Every time I see Ronan smile and healthy in New York City, I will think of you. You are a gift and an amazing human being. I hope your life continues to be filled with beautiful things and many blessing. We love you, even though we don’t even know you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

It was a nice day at the clinic. I was sad to say bye to Sharon. Ronan and I both held her and told her we loved her. I wrote her a little card; telling her how much she means to us. I am emotional today, lots of tears. My Bethany stopped by to let us borrow some of her luggage and stroller. I held on to her as long as I could but had to let go because I could feel myself wanting to melt into her arms and crumble. She knew it too; I could tell by looking into her eyes. That girl can see into my soul, I swear. I’m now tucked in bed with Ronan; who is sound asleep. I have been holding Ronan all night and just letting the tears pour. There is no place I’d rather be than tucked away from the world with him as peaceful as can be. I need sleep tonight; I still have a lot to do before Monday. It is hard to get things done when your head is in the clouds. I feel like I’m in a constant fog or I’m in the middle of a dream and cannot wake up. I have to suck it up, wake the fuck up, and get us ready for New York. It’s crunch time now….tomorrow has to be productive.

I wrote this the tonight….half asleep, as I feel like I always am. It may be really bad, but the words just kind of came pouring out of my head. Forgive me if I don’t even make sense…. this whole 20,000 different feelings at once is something I’m still trying to get used to. This is for my Ro: My hero: My best friend:

He holds my hand as he sleeps; as the hot tears pour down my cheeks.
The face of an angel, with our souls intertwined. I pray to God that you will always be mine.
With eyes so blue and a smile so true, this cannot possibly be happening to you.
We will fix you and bring you back to us; never letting go of the angels we trust. I dream of the day when peace will reside; and a brand new heathy boy back by my side. I will never give up, I will never let go; together you and I will put on quite a show. After all this is said and done; we will have changed the world one by one.

My song of the night is dedicated to Ronan. Wonderwall by Oasis. Because he is gonna be the one that saves me.

Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don’t know how

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they’ll never throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you’re not to do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don’t know how

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You’re my wonderwall

Said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
You’re gonna be the one that saves me

4 thoughts on “I am numb… and cancer is dumb”

  1. You’re going to make it! It may not feel like it at times, but you are! You have my cell # so just call if you need your “secretary” to do ANYTHING! Godspeed!

  2. What you wrote for Ronan brought tears to my eyes, and then some. When you get through all of this, when Ronan is better and you have a moment to catch your breath, I hope you are able to see what a talented writer you are. Very trivial that seems at the moment I’m sure, but you really, really are. Your writing is so raw and what you share is so compelling…you are really such a blessing to so many through your sharing of sweet Ronan’s journey. You are doing so great and will continue too do just that. God is carrying you right now…you may not completely know that but trust me, He is. I know you will see this when you are on the other side (how did I ever get throught that?? Oooohh…. :)) Good luck to you this weekend…I am thinking of you big time! xo michelle

  3. Dear Maya, I have been reading your blog & hugging your Mom since the beginning of Ronan’s diagnosis.there have been many silent cheers inside myself when you & your family have a good day. Other days, the difficult days. it’s painful to read. I just wanted to thank you for keeping Rockstar Ronan’s fanclub informed, especially during the really tough times. — it must be so very difficult to write. Thanks too, for the beautiful photo at the beginning of today’s post—It’s absolutely stunning. Love, Care & Prayers to your whole family, Sue

  4. Maya,

    Once again, you have touched me to the core. I feel so helpless living miles away from you, but I can’t thank you enough for your vulnerability in giving us the play by play each day. Ronan is going to win this battle and he will have quite the story to tell when it is all behind him. If only every child could have a Mom like you. You AMAZE me!!! I will be praying for you every step of the way. Ronan’s story is spreading like wild fire. Just the other day, I saw a Facebook post from a friend here in Texas spreading the word about the need for a private jet and Ronan’s fight. Your voice is being heard!!! Love you, Ker

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