New friends and extra lipgloss

Ronan. Now matter how low I get or how bad things sound, the bottom line is I will always put on lip gloss to go meet another cancer mom and her babe. That is what happened today. I got up out of bed. I spent the morning cleaning and doing laundry, getting things spotless for my sanity and Macy’s arrival. I showered. I dressed. I had planned to take your brothers to a movie during the afternoon. I checked my FB which I don’t really do, that often. I saw I had a bunch of messages on it. I only clicked on one. It was from another NB mom that lives in California. She reached out to me a few months ago, saying they were in Sedona and wanted to know if I would drive up to meet them. I told her of course, but our plans fell through due to her older boy getting sick. I hadn’t heard from her since, until today. Her message said she knew this was last-minute, but she was in San Diego for her little guys treatment and was wondering if I would like to meet up for a bit. I hesitated for a second, but then messaged her back and said of course. I went in and asked your brothers if we could skip the movie to meet up with this little boy and his mom. They both said, o.k. They are such great boys. They both asked a lot of questions. Who was this boy? How old was he? Did he have the same kind of cancer, as Ro? Does he have any brothers or sisters? Where does he live? I didn’t know much, but I answered them the best that I could. We piled in the car and drove off to meet our new friends at the train museum.

Ronan. Today was the best day that I have had in a long time. It’s during times like this, that I know you are still around. You could not have picked a more perfect day, for me to do the things I did today. Just when I am feeling in such a slump and so freaking sorry for myself, you give me a gift like today. A day where I got to hang out with the sweetest little 3 and a half-year old who reminded me so much of you. Where I got to look into his mama’s eyes and it was an almost unspoken conversation. I saw eyes that reminded me why I have to continue to do, what it is that I am here to do. I needed a good reminder and today I got all that and more. This mama looked at me a few times and asked if I was alright. If it was hard for me to be there, with her little boy. I just smiled and told her, “No.” I do really well in the cancer kid world, Ronan. I do much better in it, than the normal world that is so foreign to me now. This world fills me with a peace and comfort that I cannot explain. I spent the day with your brothers, Teddy, and his most beautiful mama. We looked at trains. We chased balls. We held hands. We laughed. We giggled. I felt alright. I felt alive and brave and I got all of this from a little boy who has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but you would never know it by the look on his face or the laugher that filled the air. I listened to him say things like, “Come on my friends!” as he reached for your brothers hands. I got to hold his little hand while we were crossing the street. I miss little hands, so very much. I talked to his mom a bit about what they have gone through. I listened to her words and the way they have had to fight for everything as far as Teddy and his treatment. The way she is the one, presenting studies to the doctors, demanding scans when they don’t want to do them, and answers when nobody wants to give them. I know I can fix this world and make it better for these families. I am more motivated than ever, to get this done. I have the vision. I have the dream. I will make this a reality. I will make this world less scary for these families. Today was a reminder that I cannot give up. That I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself because there are people out there who are here, fighting and who deserve better than what it is that they are getting. I know without a doubt, what it is that I am here to do and why. It’s what you would want. It’s what we should have had. It’s the reason why I can’t stay in bed and not wear lipgloss anymore. I’m not giving up on this world, these kids, or these families. I may take a few days here or there, to slump down into a really dark place, but I promise I will always come back to fight again. Thank you for the reminder today. Thank you, to Teddy and his mom for stealing my heart and giving me back that hope word just by looking in their eyes. That’s what I saw when I looked into their eyes today, Ronan. Eyes filled with such hope that I have decided I cannot ignore this word any longer. I think I can start to let this word back into my life again. Today, I felt hopeful, calm, and brave. Today, I felt you everywhere. It was a good day.

Macy is here. Quinn and Liam are happy. We all snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. Quinn is sleeping in-between your Macy and I. He fell asleep with the biggest smile on his face. I know why. It’s because he saw his old mom today. The one that can smile, laugh, and be playful. The one that can be brave and who can sit back and watch your brothers and who knows how they are going to go off and do amazing things in this world; all because of you. I can be alright in this life, Ronan because of days like today. Thanks for never giving up on me, no matter how crazy I may get over this never-ending pain. Thank you for giving me a good day, when I needed it most. I love you. I love you and miss you so very much. I hope you are safe. G’nite, little one. G’nite to our new friends, too. Thank you for being brave enough to reach out to me and for being able to see the light, through all of the darkness. The little rays of light, are the two of you.

xoxo

I’m just a girl in the world

Favorite conversation of the night:

Me: “Ronan, you’re so nice.”

Ronan: “Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

Ronan: “Mom, you’re so cute.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ronan: “Your so welcome.”

I love his little voice so much. And that smile could melt your heart. I love that every night, he curls up beside me and holds my hand as he falls asleep. I love waking up to him each morning and his bright blue eyes, and how excited he is to wake up his brothers and start the day. Being with Ronan is like a piece of heaven. He is my little pea, and I am so lucky to be his pod.

Sarah came over early so I could go to my therapist appointment. It was a good one, as always. I always leave there more vunerable and with a flood of emotions running through me. I feel like it’s a cleansing of my soul that I really need though. After that, I ran some errands and came home to a happy Ronan who told me he missed me so much. He was all snuggled up in my bed with Sarah. As Sarah was leaving she told Ro she loved him and he told her he loved her too. So sweet.

Ronan is not feeling well today. He was really clingy most of the day. My dear friend, Gay, came over to help me pack. Thank GOD for her! She just comes in here and snaps her fingers, and bam!, it’s done. She is so much fun to be with, even when we are doing things like packing up bags. We got Liam and Quinn’s bag packed and Ronan’s. One more check mark off my list! Pam also stopped by and cracked Gay and I up the entire time with her funny stories about being at Sloan with her daughter and how important her flat iron for her hair and lip gloss were to her. It was her coping mechanism and I love it. Her daughter was having a major surgery done and Pam sat and applied lip gloss over and over again. I totally get it. I know I am going to be the same way. Anything to make the situation seem a little more normal. I was so happy and thankful for those two today. They made me laugh a lot which is something I needed today since I spent the majority of the morning crying over anything and everything. The anticipation of leaving her is enough to send me over the edge.

I also got to see Niki and Fernanda for a bit. They both buzzed by quickly. Again, so lucky for the friends I have. They keep me going because I can see how much what we are going through has changed them. Their lives will never be the same just because of the kind of people they are. That shows me what amazing hearts they have. All of my friends are this way; they are the one’s I keep closest to my heart. I will keep them there for the rest of my life.

Woody and I had a good little pow wow tonight. He is always so interested in my therapy sessions and sometimes I don’t really feel like telling him about them. We got into it a little bit, in a healthy way. I told him what was going on and how I need to deal with a lot of this, on my own, in my own way. He gets it and is giving me my space. He also told me he knows exactly what I am thinking…. how my deepest fears are he is going to walk out on me like my dad did. He told me he will never give up on me and never let me down… like me father has. I know this about Woody; it is one of the main reasons I married him. No matter how much I push him away, because I am hurting, he won’t let me get too far. He has been really great about giving me my space, but also reminding me that we need each other. Before I met Woody, I was used to dealing with things in my life on my own by myself. When you are in the middle of a crisis, it is easy to revert back to that. I am trying not to; but I am very independent and stubborn and my mind tricks me into thinking I can do everything on my own. I am working on these things… I don’t want to go though this alone, but I also want my space. I am hoping to find a happy medium, if that is possible.

Woody and I always joke the Gwen Stefani‘s “I’m just a girl in the world,” is my theme song. So tonight’s song is dedicated to the Wooddawg. And the other love of my life, Gwen Stefani.

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I’m exposed
And it’s no big surprise
Don’t you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
‘Cause I’m just a girl, little ‘ol me
Don’t let me out of your sight
I’m just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don’t let me have any rights

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can’t do the little things I hold so dear
‘Cause it’s all those little things
That I fear

‘Cause I’m just a girl I’d rather not be
‘Cause they won’t let me drive
Late at night I’m just a girl,
Guess I’m some kind of freak
‘Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I’m just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
Oh…am I making myself clear?
I’m just a girl
I’m just a girl in the world…
That’s all that you’ll let me be!
I’m just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I’m just a girl, what’s my destiny?
What I’ve succumbed to Is making me numb
I’m just a girl, my apologies
What I’ve become is so burdensome
I’m just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there’s no comparison

Oh…I’ve had it up to!
Oh…I’ve had it up to!!
Oh…I’ve had it up to here!

And yes, how lovely is this dress…. I would totally wear this dress while singing “I’m just a girl,” to the Wooddawg.

xoxox

Nighty Night! Sweet Dreams!