A tutu, mustache wearing, dance party, hike with a little badass Bee

Ronan. I cooked the eggies this morning. And the sausage. And bacon. Fruit. I had croissants that Rita gave me last night, but I forgot to take them out of your daddy’s car. They were the kind that are frozen and you leave them out over night, to rise. Your daddy called me this afternoon. “Did Rita give you croissants or something last night?” “Yeah! I can’t find them!” I said. “They are in the back of my car. They are rising as we speak. I’ll run them home for you.”

I chuckled. Grief brain. What an asshole it is. I cooked them anyway for your brothers. They were an awesome afternoon snack for them. I felt like a good mom for not burning them. I played baseball with your brothers, too. I tried really hard to be a good mom today. I’m exhausted from it all. It was a long day of missing you.

I ran around and got some things done this morning. I met up with Mandy Bee. She has been gone a lot so I have not seen much of her. I miss her and the ability she has to make me forget about all this pain for a bit. Even if it’s only for a few hours. I told her I had to get my hike in for the day. She offered to come, even though she had already done some crazy work out early in the morning. I told her I would love for her to come with me. We both decided that we needed to hike in our tutu’s today. We ran to her house and got hers and then met back up at our house. We drove to the mountain and went on probably one of the best hikes I’ve had since you’ve been gone. We bolted up the mountain for 90 minutes of pure craziness. We went on a different trail with music from her iPhone blaring, and we full on had a dance party the whole way to the top. I laughed. I wore my mustache sunglasses. I didn’t cry hiking that mountain today with Mandy Bee. I got lost in the world that she creates for me which is either really, really sad when I need it to be. Or else it is really, really happy. In the craziest way possible. We looked like we were nuts today. It felt good to look nuts and not in the way that I normally look hiking that mountain with red eyes and black mascara running down my face. The break from that was much needed, especially after last nights heavy-hearted hike. I know I desperately need more days like today where I am able to laugh and let go. They don’t come very often but when they do…. watch out. They make me feel like I am on top of the world with you right by my side, holding my hand. My best days always remind me of you.

I did not decide on our trip today. I am procrastinating in a big way.  I deserved today. I just could not deal with the pressure of making any big decisions about fucking May. Maybe tomorrow.

Short post tonight, baby doll. The little sleep I had last night is hitting me. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite. Sweet dreams

xoxo

This is dedicated to all the haters. No RoLove for you tonight. Douchebags!!

http://youtu.be/sv3tadz5Q3o

I would just like to say to one little blog reader in particular tonight that if I am a train wreck, then you’d better watch the fuck out because I am about to run you the fuck over. But I hope you have a nice night hanging out with your 145 cats while you star on the show, “Hoarders,” and hide behind your book of  “imaginary shit that does not exist.”

I will not be posting your comments. They will be going in the trash, where they belong.

xoxo

And a little P. to the fucking S. I love Tom Selleck a.k.a Magnum P.I. It could possibly be one of the best shows, EVER. Along with Murder She Wrote and The Golden Girls. That was for you, Rita. Just some of those random little things that I am throwing out into this world.

The Birth of Maya Inca Thompson

Ro baby. I feel like I have a lot to say tonight. Although my mind is tired, but restless. Bad combo. Today was a blur. I got by with A LOT of help from my friends. I have so many “life,” things to get caught up on, that it leaves my head spinning. Melissa and Marisa came over to help go through everything I needed to do. They went through mail, organized receipts, Melissa did my calendar and helped me make all the appointments that our family needs…. Dentist, Eye Doctor, Hearing Doctor, Check-up for me, counseling appts, booked me for the Sedona Grief Retreat, etc…… It was never-ending. Thank GOD for those two. I feel like we made a pretty good dent in getting things under control around here. Fernanda and Heather stopped by too. It felt good to have them here as I was pretty shaken up. Before anyone arrived, I pulled into our driveway and just started bawling, knowing that I was coming home to an empty house without you. Marisa arrived soon after and I opened the door as she was holding baby Max and just grabbed her and started crying. I told her I couldn’t believe this was my life now. A quiet, empty house. She got all teary, but I distracted her by grabbing her little love bug out of her arms and holding on to him, while kissing him everywhere. I got felt such a wave of happiness wash over me as I loved on her baby boy. He is so sweet and came right to me, no question asked. GOSH. Babies are so good for the soul. I’ve always been obsessed with them. Max healed my heart for the hour and a half that he was here. Aren’t babies just he most amazing things in the world??? So innocent, pure, and healing. Little Max will have my heart for the rest of my life. It may have a little to do with his amazing mama too. And Gracie Boo. Hearing Marisa talk today, about you and Gracie was so painful. She was your first girlfriend. I’ll never forget your first play date. You must have only been about 6 months old. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

After the girls left, I threw on my hiking shoes and headed out for The Inferno Hike. It was hot, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I ran up that mountain, screamed your name for a while, and than took an entire bottle of water and dumped it all over my body. It felt so good. I sat with you and nature for as long as I could withstand the heat. I threw my headphones back on and hauled ass back down the mountain. Every time I am there, I always leave about 10 of your F U Cancer bracelets on a random tree. Just hoping someone will find it, take one, be curious, and read your story. I like to leave pieces of you everywhere I go, so I often leave your bracelets in random places. It makes me feel like you are with me and you are with others. It makes me feel like you will help someone by making them aware of your story. It makes me feel good. I always wonder who finds those bracelets and if they are respectful and curious enough to Google your name to find out who you are. Or if they just look at them, ignore them and throw them on the ground. I would like to think not… but you never know. It is a chance I am willing to take.

I have something I’ve meant to tell you. A funny something. I had the chance to meet Tricia’s brother, Travis, a few weeks ago. He has been in the Peace Corps and has just left for Costa Rica to go and work on an Apple Farm. I tell you, those Tinney kids. I told Tricia I was so proud of her and all of her siblings. They are all doing amazing, wonderful things with their lives. Traveling, helping others, exploring, and finding out who they really want to be in life. I love that. When I was hanging out with Tricia and Travis, we were telling Travis about our “Gangster names.” Tricia is T-Lash, Quinn is Q-Dub, etc….. It’s just something silly we make up. Tricia told Travis I needed one. Out of nowhere, within seconds, he pulled out Inca. It was such a beautiful, crazy, funny name to me that it has totally stuck. I’ve decided that “Inka,” is going to be my bad-ass alter ego. Inka will be who I summon within me when I need to make something happen, but feel a little nervous or scared to go about it. Inca will make everything I want to happen, happen. Or she will at least try her hardest and not give up. Inca is going to give me the strength to kick ass when I feel like I cannot kick ass anymore. I love it. Thank you, Travis. Everyone should have an alter ego name. I’ve always longed for one, but never felt like anything was right. I am glad I was patient enough and your gift was given to me; not forced. It was organic and pure which I LOVE.

Just to give you an idea of the amazingness of Travis… I’m going to share with you some things he has written. I hope it’s o.k. with him. If not, Tricia said I could do it!! Love you, Travis and Tricia.

Inka,

Had fun hanging out with you Liam, and Quinn. I know I would have loved the rockstar. “The past is always there, May it be beautiful”  Arti (This not a long e sound at the end, more just a really hard T.) Kiriloo (first i is long like eye, second one is short) Bulsoon. Arti Kiriloo Bulsoon. Be well and feel free to drop an email anytime.

your friend,
Travis
Here is the next one he sent to Tricia about his Costa Rica adventures:
Hey yo,

Well. Let me begin by saying that things are well, and I am feeling great. Things went perfectly as planned my travel days, and I arrived with little to no problems at my ultimate destination, which was a farm near a surfing town called Dominical. As you all probably know I was planning on volunteering at this farm for as long as possible. I had corresponded with the owner of the farm, Brian, since March. He advertised his farm as an Ashram where him and his wife live with a couple other members. There were to be a series of discussions concerning spiritual topics ranging from courage or acceptance to god itself. I arrived to the farm on Thursday. Brian picked me up from the surfing town, and I immediately was a little surprised that he did not seem friendlier. Not asking so much about my travel. We arrived at the farm, and it was awesome. It is literally in the jungle. He lives in a tiny cabin in the jungle, and has for 36 years. On the website I found him on he said that volunteers work as much as they like depending on how they are feeling, and true to that when I arrived he said that he wanted me to rest. However the first thing we did was make juice. I was exhausted from traveling 30 hours straight, but energized to be there so I made some juice with a smile on my face. The juice was really good. Made with all fruit on the farm. The inside of the hut was dim, no shortage of bugs and mosquitoes. The two other volunteers that were staying in the guest cabin came down for dinner. We had a nice salad, but the other volunteers were surprisingly tense, and I was really the only one trying to drive any conversation at dinner. Those 2 left, and it was just me and Brian. It gets dark around 630 and by this time it was about 730 and I was ready for bed. Brian started playing dissident minor chords on his electric piano that was directly under the shelf-ish bed I was to sleep on. I waited for a few minutes. He kept playing so I hopped onto the bed and waited a couple minutes. Then I figured he wasn’t going to stop so I just decided to lay down and give it a go. While I was laying there I began to get really scared and feel very xenophobic. I wanted to tell him I was going to leave the next day, come home, and never leave a small space that I would pick. It didn’t help that I was exhausted, but I was thinking that I didn’t really know this guy. I am in the jungle. There are really poisonous snakes on the property. Look up the Fer de lance. I had no phone, or internet, or even a pocket knife. Eventually he stopped playing and I managed to get to sleep.
  The next morning I felt great. I knew that I wouldn’t respect myself if I backed down to my fear, so I decided to just take it as it was and go for it. That day I was up at 5 maybe 5:30 at the latest. I told Brian I had a crazy dream, and that I am really interested in dreams. He replied that dreams are useless expressions about our confusion. I thought, that didn’t go well. I worked that day all day. until sundown. Of course I rested here and there, and we all ate lunch together. Saturday I woke up at 6:30, when the other volunteers were to come down for breakfast. We all ate breakfast and at some point brian said to me, “You do need to get up earlier.” I thought that it was strange, but I thought not problem. I was excited to get up earlier because it meant I got to go outside and chop down jungle with a machete, which is awesome to do. I was still feeling good and brave, and I had slept much better that night. I went out and worked all day. Until sunset. With occasional rests for a couple minutes, but the other volunteers went to sleep at noon and I worked until 6.
   I swear to you that I am not exaggerating any of this. In fact Brian said, ” I wish I had three volunteers like you.” There was another guest cabin under construction that I was going to start sleeping in because his “wife” Paty was coming for the weekend. On his profile he said that they were married and at least insinuated that the marriage had been for a long period of time. They in fact were not married, but planning to get married in December and just recently had there one year anniversary. So I set up my tent in the unfinished cabin that was basically just outside in the jungle. We had found a family of scorpions in there earlier when cleaning the cabin. Huge cockroaches the size of mice. It was basically outside. At some point that day I was walking down the steps to the cabin and the step broke. I told brian, and was very surpised how upset he was. Since he claimed to be a yogi, and anger is not really something that yogis like to dwell in. Anyhow he said it wasn’t my fault and that it was the other volunteers bouncing up and down the stairs, then scolded them later. That night I slept in the tent in the unfinished cabin. I woke up at 530 and did yoga with paty and the other volunteers. She was so nice and open, and really just a gentle and caring person. After yoga I began painting a roof high above the rocky ground under the very hot sun. (No one falls don’t worry). It was really hot and I was working very hard. I painted for about 3 and a half maybe four hours straight until I was very faint. I didn’t feel well and decided I had to go lay down. While walking across the roof I stepped on a sky light that was made out of some other material and cracked it making a hole about 5  inches long. I knew he was going to be pissed. I went down and told him, and he told me “guy you don’t watch where you are going, go away and think about your responsibility, get out now.” He said a couple other things that were along the same lines. So i showered up and decided to tell him I was confused about how angry he seemed to be. I would pay for the damage without a problem, but I wanted to say that I cam there to be his friend and learn from him and his farm. I really thought the whole talk was going to end in a hug. I got out of the shower and approached him. This is more or less exactly what was said. Probably less.
“Well what do you have? What did you come up with?”
“Well I think that…”
“Ya, what”
“Well.”
“Ya what, huh what.”
This was him interrupting me and mocking me. I told him I would like to say somethings and would appreciate it if he could listen. I started by saying that I really thought the farm was great and that he had done something special there. That is about as far as I got and he told me “you are a heavy footed loud mouth….and you eat too much! You need to leave”
and that was that. I was pretty upset, but just packed up my stuff, said goodbye to the other volunteers, who were absolutely astonished, and left.
Now I am in the surf town! Tomorrow I am going to start surf lessons. What a crazy few days. Love you guys write me whenever. I should have more regular internet now.
Travis is only 25, but he has done and seen so much in his life. I love that he is following his heart, which will eventually lead him to his destiny. I love that he is helping others while feeding his soul. I love his free spirit. Ronan would have loved him. I am so glad I finally got to meet one of the many Tinney siblings. They are all so unique.
LIttle one. This is all I can write tonight. I’m keeping your Daddy up and I need to be respectful of him and his sleep tonight. So much more to say, but he puts up with so much. I’ve got to try to simmer down, but I feel better having talked to you. Love you so much my “not spicy,” little monkey boy. Miss you every second of the day and I always hope you are safe. G’night my love.
xoxo

INFERNO HIKE. F U CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m just a girl in the world

Favorite conversation of the night:

Me: “Ronan, you’re so nice.”

Ronan: “Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

Ronan: “Mom, you’re so cute.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ronan: “Your so welcome.”

I love his little voice so much. And that smile could melt your heart. I love that every night, he curls up beside me and holds my hand as he falls asleep. I love waking up to him each morning and his bright blue eyes, and how excited he is to wake up his brothers and start the day. Being with Ronan is like a piece of heaven. He is my little pea, and I am so lucky to be his pod.

Sarah came over early so I could go to my therapist appointment. It was a good one, as always. I always leave there more vunerable and with a flood of emotions running through me. I feel like it’s a cleansing of my soul that I really need though. After that, I ran some errands and came home to a happy Ronan who told me he missed me so much. He was all snuggled up in my bed with Sarah. As Sarah was leaving she told Ro she loved him and he told her he loved her too. So sweet.

Ronan is not feeling well today. He was really clingy most of the day. My dear friend, Gay, came over to help me pack. Thank GOD for her! She just comes in here and snaps her fingers, and bam!, it’s done. She is so much fun to be with, even when we are doing things like packing up bags. We got Liam and Quinn’s bag packed and Ronan’s. One more check mark off my list! Pam also stopped by and cracked Gay and I up the entire time with her funny stories about being at Sloan with her daughter and how important her flat iron for her hair and lip gloss were to her. It was her coping mechanism and I love it. Her daughter was having a major surgery done and Pam sat and applied lip gloss over and over again. I totally get it. I know I am going to be the same way. Anything to make the situation seem a little more normal. I was so happy and thankful for those two today. They made me laugh a lot which is something I needed today since I spent the majority of the morning crying over anything and everything. The anticipation of leaving her is enough to send me over the edge.

I also got to see Niki and Fernanda for a bit. They both buzzed by quickly. Again, so lucky for the friends I have. They keep me going because I can see how much what we are going through has changed them. Their lives will never be the same just because of the kind of people they are. That shows me what amazing hearts they have. All of my friends are this way; they are the one’s I keep closest to my heart. I will keep them there for the rest of my life.

Woody and I had a good little pow wow tonight. He is always so interested in my therapy sessions and sometimes I don’t really feel like telling him about them. We got into it a little bit, in a healthy way. I told him what was going on and how I need to deal with a lot of this, on my own, in my own way. He gets it and is giving me my space. He also told me he knows exactly what I am thinking…. how my deepest fears are he is going to walk out on me like my dad did. He told me he will never give up on me and never let me down… like me father has. I know this about Woody; it is one of the main reasons I married him. No matter how much I push him away, because I am hurting, he won’t let me get too far. He has been really great about giving me my space, but also reminding me that we need each other. Before I met Woody, I was used to dealing with things in my life on my own by myself. When you are in the middle of a crisis, it is easy to revert back to that. I am trying not to; but I am very independent and stubborn and my mind tricks me into thinking I can do everything on my own. I am working on these things… I don’t want to go though this alone, but I also want my space. I am hoping to find a happy medium, if that is possible.

Woody and I always joke the Gwen Stefani‘s “I’m just a girl in the world,” is my theme song. So tonight’s song is dedicated to the Wooddawg. And the other love of my life, Gwen Stefani.

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I’m exposed
And it’s no big surprise
Don’t you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
‘Cause I’m just a girl, little ‘ol me
Don’t let me out of your sight
I’m just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don’t let me have any rights

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can’t do the little things I hold so dear
‘Cause it’s all those little things
That I fear

‘Cause I’m just a girl I’d rather not be
‘Cause they won’t let me drive
Late at night I’m just a girl,
Guess I’m some kind of freak
‘Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I’m just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
Oh…am I making myself clear?
I’m just a girl
I’m just a girl in the world…
That’s all that you’ll let me be!
I’m just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I’m just a girl, what’s my destiny?
What I’ve succumbed to Is making me numb
I’m just a girl, my apologies
What I’ve become is so burdensome
I’m just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there’s no comparison

Oh…I’ve had it up to!
Oh…I’ve had it up to!!
Oh…I’ve had it up to here!

And yes, how lovely is this dress…. I would totally wear this dress while singing “I’m just a girl,” to the Wooddawg.

xoxox

Nighty Night! Sweet Dreams!

One flew over the coo coo’s nest… and that one is officially me

When going through something like this I’ve learned that at times you will feel crazy. And at times, people will make you feel like you are going crazy… and tell you things like you need medication. But somehow… if you are strong enough, you pull it all together… get all the little voices out of your head, refocus, and find your way back. It can take something as simple as taking a drive, screaming your lungs out and just taking 30 minutes to be alone, to bring your strength and sanity back. Game on, cancer. You have pushed me down but I will not stop fighting back.

I have also learned that I can no longer take things day by day. My world now consists of hour by hour. One foot in front of the other. Apparently, there is a certain way you are supposed to act and behave when your child has cancer. I have not been following standard protocol because I am only human. Until you have walked in the shoes of a mother who’s child is sick, you cannot pass judgement or tell them what is right or wrong. I know I am making mistakes, but they are my mistakes to make. As of right now, I am thankful I am able to pull myself out of bed in the morning and take care of my baby. That right there is a victory to me in it’s own right.

I said from the beginning of all of this that this blog was going to get ugly. I love the days that I am happy, positive and full of light. Unfortunately, this can’t always be the case. This is my blog… my honest blog and a lot of it is going to be the way that I am feeling. I will of course update you on how Ronan is feeling, his progress, his victories…. but there is going to be some other things in here that are not so fun to read. If you are not down for that…. the bus stops here. This is my outlet and my truth and I won’t be shut down.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I can update you on how Ronan is doing. To say he is doing amazingly well is an understatement. He is so full of spunk and energy it’s like we have 3 Ronan’s running around the house. He enjoyed his weekend playing with his Nana and brothers. There was a lot of Nerf gun shooting going on in our house. Tomorrow we will check his blood levels to see if we are ready to start the harvest of his stem cells on Tuesday. If that is the case, then we will spend 1 or 4 days down at the hospital depending on how easily the harvest goes. Thankfully, the process is very simple for being so complex. They take the stem cells out of his broviac so it is just a matter of how quickly the collection goes. It still makes for a long day so I will have to bring lots of things to keep our little guy busy; in bed. Lots of books, coloring, and movie watching. Maybe I’ll bring one of his Nerf guns so he can shoot the nurses;)

My mom leaves tomorrow after being here for a week. I will have to say that I wish I could have been a little  stronger and sane for her visit, but I cracked. I spent the whole week feeling like I was drowning and suffocating. I can’t help the way I am feeling or when my emotions take over.  I’m sorry for making my mom worry so much about me because I am going to be fine. I took out a lot of my anger on her  because she is my mom and I am angry about a lot of things. So, I apologize for that… nobody deserves to suffer my wrath.

I wanted to take a minute to say a huge thank you to all my Kelso Kids who supported Ronan and walked the Relay for Life for him on Saturday. Liv and Jen…. you two are my hearts. I can’t thank you enough for rallying together to making Team Ronan happen. And Olivia, your speech was beautiful. I am so proud to have you up there as my friend, talking about my baby. He is a fighter and in a couple of years we will be there walking it with you; with Ronan as a survivor.

Goodnight to all of our angels out there. Please continue to pray and send your strength our way.