One flew over the coo coo’s nest… and that one is officially me

When going through something like this I’ve learned that at times you will feel crazy. And at times, people will make you feel like you are going crazy… and tell you things like you need medication. But somehow… if you are strong enough, you pull it all together… get all the little voices out of your head, refocus, and find your way back. It can take something as simple as taking a drive, screaming your lungs out and just taking 30 minutes to be alone, to bring your strength and sanity back. Game on, cancer. You have pushed me down but I will not stop fighting back.

I have also learned that I can no longer take things day by day. My world now consists of hour by hour. One foot in front of the other. Apparently, there is a certain way you are supposed to act and behave when your child has cancer. I have not been following standard protocol because I am only human. Until you have walked in the shoes of a mother who’s child is sick, you cannot pass judgement or tell them what is right or wrong. I know I am making mistakes, but they are my mistakes to make. As of right now, I am thankful I am able to pull myself out of bed in the morning and take care of my baby. That right there is a victory to me in it’s own right.

I said from the beginning of all of this that this blog was going to get ugly. I love the days that I am happy, positive and full of light. Unfortunately, this can’t always be the case. This is my blog… my honest blog and a lot of it is going to be the way that I am feeling. I will of course update you on how Ronan is feeling, his progress, his victories…. but there is going to be some other things in here that are not so fun to read. If you are not down for that…. the bus stops here. This is my outlet and my truth and I won’t be shut down.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I can update you on how Ronan is doing. To say he is doing amazingly well is an understatement. He is so full of spunk and energy it’s like we have 3 Ronan’s running around the house. He enjoyed his weekend playing with his Nana and brothers. There was a lot of Nerf gun shooting going on in our house. Tomorrow we will check his blood levels to see if we are ready to start the harvest of his stem cells on Tuesday. If that is the case, then we will spend 1 or 4 days down at the hospital depending on how easily the harvest goes. Thankfully, the process is very simple for being so complex. They take the stem cells out of his broviac so it is just a matter of how quickly the collection goes. It still makes for a long day so I will have to bring lots of things to keep our little guy busy; in bed. Lots of books, coloring, and movie watching. Maybe I’ll bring one of his Nerf guns so he can shoot the nurses;)

My mom leaves tomorrow after being here for a week. I will have to say that I wish I could have been a little  stronger and sane for her visit, but I cracked. I spent the whole week feeling like I was drowning and suffocating. I can’t help the way I am feeling or when my emotions take over.  I’m sorry for making my mom worry so much about me because I am going to be fine. I took out a lot of my anger on her  because she is my mom and I am angry about a lot of things. So, I apologize for that… nobody deserves to suffer my wrath.

I wanted to take a minute to say a huge thank you to all my Kelso Kids who supported Ronan and walked the Relay for Life for him on Saturday. Liv and Jen…. you two are my hearts. I can’t thank you enough for rallying together to making Team Ronan happen. And Olivia, your speech was beautiful. I am so proud to have you up there as my friend, talking about my baby. He is a fighter and in a couple of years we will be there walking it with you; with Ronan as a survivor.

Goodnight to all of our angels out there. Please continue to pray and send your strength our way.

9 thoughts on “One flew over the coo coo’s nest… and that one is officially me”

  1. i didnt know you would write again many dont you are the first. About Ronan i know he is normal happy baby.xoxo

  2. I just want to thank you for the openness about your feelings. Your blog is very similar to Layla Grace’s, which is what made me become so pationate about the fight against childhood cancer in the first place. Hearing your feelings and the reality of how awful this fight is for all parties involved keeps me motivated to not give up on the fight and remember how important it is to continue to pray for Ronan, your family, and all other families forced to deal with childhood cancer, especially neuroblastoma. I just want to make sure you know that because of this blog, and your openess in the blog, you have another prayer warrior that is not going to back down in the fight against childhood cancer/neuroblastoma.

  3. Praying for you and your family.

    I’m so glad that you had your mother with you the past week. She has big enough shoulders to handle your wrath and frustration and coming-apart-ness. It’s a role that moms are especially equipped to fill.

    Thank you for the happy update about your son.
    I’m very happy for you that this blog is giving you such an outlet and rallying prayer warriors all over the globe for your family. Consider me one of them.

  4. Dear Maya and family; On a personal level, as both a mom of 3 sons and as a family member who has fought the good fight to try to save a loved one, I would never tell you I know your pain. No one does. No one can. But,Do not censor your emotions or “pretty up” the awful journey you are being forced to take.Every journey is unique as the family and individual! Scream, cry, and BE angry!Let the raised eyebrows roll right off your back. Own it & your own journey!

  5. I read in my Bible this a.m…”Be strong, be strong, and let us be strengthened!” In Genesis 50:21 it says …”I will provide for you and your little ones.”
    God is faithfull, you can trust in His word.

  6. Don’t ever apologize for being angry at what has happened to Ronan and what has happened to you and your family! Be pissed as hell! You have every right to have every emotion possible about this. Being as strong as you’re being isn’t easy; I don’t know if I could do it. You are amazing and Ronan is going to get through this! Hugs xoxoxo

  7. After the car show here in Longview I had a button of Ronan and brought it home.Well my 2year old saw it and I told her it was Ronan and that he was sick.She looked at the button of his face and said “Poor Row-nie” he needs a hug”.Wow isnt that powerful from a 2year old baby to figure out about another baby?Seems to me these little ones have a language of there own and she seemed to really be in tune to Row-nies problems.Now when she comes over we get on line and I show her pics of him and he has become her friend that neither one know.So sweet and thought Id share that with you.She even hugged Row-nie on the button….cute,she came up with that name by herself as I told her is correct name.

  8. I just recently stumbled upon this blog. Literally the first blog I have EVER read. This kind of stuff makes you put life and all your “problems” into perspective.

    It is one of the most beautifully tragic expressions of honesty and love. I feel like that precious child has touched my life. It breaks my heart that this story comes through the pain of a family, a community.

    I wish that anything I could say would matter, but we all know it wouldn’t. So I will say, God bless you. You know He will, because He already has. That young man came straight from God right into your arms. And someday God WILL put him back there.

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