No sunlight…. anymore

 

 

 

Ronan. Where are you? Why did you have to leave? I am missing you so much. We are home. Back to our house that is now so empty without you. Back to our life which seems so forced. Everything is lost. I’ve been going through the motions, doing all responsible things that comes with being a mommy and wife. I’ve been keeping busy with unpacking, organizing, answering phone calls,  running errands, playing with your brothers, trying to do all the normal things that are normal but do not feel that way at all. I went to the grocery store today. Quinn went with me. I haven’t been to our store since the last time I took you. You were so sick and you sat in the cart with your little hat on. You fought me on leaving because you wanted me to buy you a new toy. I couldn’t say no. I remember being so worried about taking you to the grocery store as I was exposing you to germs. I remember how I careful I was to make sure I disinfected your hands as I was so grateful to just have you with me, out and about. I swear I could hear you little voice in that store today. I was doing o.k. until I was at the Deli Counter. I remembered waiting in that exact same spot with you a few months ago. It was there that the tears started and I tried to fight them back as the girl behind the counter took my order. It didn’t work. I cried the rest of the time as everything in the grocery store, reminded me of you. Quinn noticed of course. As I was getting the milk I heard him go, “Are you o.k, mom?” I smiled and lied to his face and  told him I was. I was not. I somehow managed to pull it together as it took everything I had not to abandon our cart and run out of that place today. I now loathe the grocery store. I used to love everything about it, but now everything in there just makes me sad and nervous. It all seems so overwhelming. I wanted so badly to be pushing you in that stupid, germy, little car grocery store cart that used to make me cringe. I wanted so badly to be that mom that would have been worried about you catching a cold from all the germs on that dirty thing. I’ll never get to be that mom with you again. I cannot believe you are really not here. I can’t believe I’ll never get to take you to the grocery store again with me. I can’t believe I’ll never get to chase you up and down the aisles because you refused to sit in the cart. My entire life, I’ve never really known what true pain feels like but now, I feel like it’s the only thing I’ve ever felt before in my life. My world, without you, is painful every second of the day. Even while I sleep. I wake up sad, spend my days sad, go to sleep sad. I’m trying but I cannot escape the pain I feel, no matter how amazing your daddy is being, how beautiful your brothers are….. nothing can take away my sadness.

Yesterday, somebody asked me how many kids I had. I was out, trying to do some normal things. A girl was trying to make small talk with me. She asked if I was a teacher and I told her that I was just a mom. She asked how many kids I had. I told her I had twin boys that were 8, and I had another son who was almost four, that just passed away. I could hardly choke out the words and I just sat cried as I tried to tell her a little bit about you. I guess I wasn’t prepared for that question, or the emotions it was going to flood me with. I tried so hard to be strong and be so thankful for  the time that I got to have while you were here. All I could do was sob. I came home and cried some more. Every time I’m out, I cry. I feel like a walking waterfall. I have been going into your room a lot. I like to lay on your bed and cry there, snuggled up with all of your stuffed animals. Your sock monkeys, your Master Yoda‘s, your Julius.

Quinn usually follows right behind me. Last night when I was crying on your bed, he read me a story. He is still not wanting to leave my side. He helped me with all of the laundry tonight, he sat outside with me while we watched the monsoons, and now, he is laying right by me playing on his iPad. Oh Ro. He misses you so much. You two were joined at the hip. I watch him when he doesn’t think I am and I can see him looking for you, wanting to play with you, wanting to wrestle you, and I feel like he expects to walk into your room and see you there. Liam on the other hand is so independent. He has been spending a lot of time outside, playing on his rocks, talking to himself, playing in your room, with your toys, like you are still here playing with him. I am able to go into your room now. After I came home the first time, alone, and spent a lot of time in there….. I can do it now. I spend a lot of time crying on your bed. Your room is still my favorite room in our house. It always has been. Even before you got sick. I find if I need to breakdown, your room is the place I like to go. I feel safe in there. I want to keep it just the way it is for a long time. I like to sit in there and talk to you and remember all of the fun times we had in that room. Your daddy likes to sit in there and play his guitar and sing to you. We will not be changing it anytime soon. It needs to stay that way until we all feel like we are ready to change it.

I don’t have my week planned out. I have some plans tomorrow, some things that need to get done with your brothers, but I cannot plan anything out for as far as what the rest of our week will look like. That’s too much for me. I am just hoping to get a lot of things done, one day at a time. I cannot bear to think what a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday will look like yet. I am such a planner, so this is hard for me. But I also know the feeling of being totally overwhelmed and I never know if I am even going to be able to get out of bed in the mornings to get my shit done. One day at a time works for me, as of now. I can’t ask too much more of myself at this point. I told you I was starting Boot Camp tomorrow, Ro. Remember when I would have to put you in bed with Daddy so I could sneak out at 5 a.m. to go? I was always so worried you would wake up and be so upset I was gone. Sometimes I would come home and you’d still be asleep. Most mornings, you would be cuddled up with your daddy, watching cartoons, waiting for me. It’s going to be so strange to walk out of this house tomorrow morning, without having to worry about you staying asleep. I told you if I don’t go to boot camp, I’m afraid I won’t wake up in the mornings. Today, everybody in our house, slept in until 11 a.m. That is MADNESS! I haven’t done that since college! It felt weird and it made me so depressed. We were all so used to you waking us up in the mornings, demanding your eggies and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. With just the 4 of us, nothing is complicated, your brothers are so easy, such good helpers, such hard workers,….. we are all missing the spice in our life that came in the form of you. Life without you is depressing, Ronan. Dull. Stupid. Boring. Sad. You were everything to all 4 of us. EVERYTHING. Now we are back to square one. Back to routines, homework, school, family dinners, but you’re not here. You’re not here to help me cook, you’re not here to make messes for me to clean up. It’s just me while your brothers are at school. I don’t get to hear you screaming for “Guy’s Helmets!” because you wanted the correct Star Wars Helmets on the correct guys. I don’t get to tell you that you are driving me crazy because you are taking off all of your guys’ heads and they are all unorganized. We not longer get to have helmet hunting parties. What am I going to do without you????????

I cannot even think about this right now. I’m bawling and I have to get to sleep so I can get my ass out of bed and be productive. Come with me to boot camp in the morning, Ro. I’m sure Tammy would be fine with it now:) I love you little man. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

 

The summer of the Dolphins

Ronan. I’m not sure what I have written in these past few posts. I think they have been a little dark, scary, and sad though. I’m sorry. I had a better day today. I promise. I tried my best. We took your brothers for lunch and were deciding on going to the Zoo or to play football. They chose football. You would have loved it. You were missed by everyone. It still feels so strange, it just being the four of us. Not right at all. But we made the best of it that we could. After Football, your daddy and Liam went to run some errands. Quinny and I hung out here. As soon as they returned, I had a craving for Pinkberry. Quinn and I hopped in the car to drive to downtown San Diego to pick some up. As I was texting Liz to see if she wanted any, she told me to come over to the bench that she and her mom were sitting on, in front of the El Camino Pool. I parked and walked over with Quinn. Liz started to tell her mom to tell me what they had figured out about all the dolphins we have seen. Karen said no, not in front of Quinn. I sat and just watched the ocean. About 5 minutes later, Quinn spotted the dolphins. Liz started crying. Karen and I held her as the tears rolled down her cheeks. I wasn’t aware of what they had figured out, but I knew it had something to do with the dolphins, Ronan, and me. It has been a strange dolphin summer. Every time I am out by the ocean, they just appear. Liz told Karen tonight, if they appeared when I came over to sit down at the bench,she was going to freak out. They appeared and that is when she started to cry. I knew why. We all know why, Ro. It is your sign to me that you are o.k. That you are happy, playful, and loved….. wherever you are. When I tried to get out to the dolphins on my paddle board the other day, as soon as I got out into the water, they all disappeared. It was weird. The second I was coming back into shore, they appeared right behind me, where I had been moments earlier. It’s like you are telling me, you can see me, but you can’t get too close. You will see me again, but it’s not time yet. You still want me to know you are here, you will always be here until we are ready to go off in our own little world together. I cried on that bench today too with Liz. She then went home and looked up some dolphin symbolism. So beautiful.

Dolphins seen in Christian art are symbolic of resurrection. Some artists utilize the protective, stabilizing, compassionate demeanor of the dolphin as a message of wellbeing to the pure of heart. Some artistic renditions speak of dolphins transporting the spirits of the faithful to Christ’s side upon leaving their physical bodies. Also in Greece, the dolphin is a compatriot of both the god Apollo (sun) and the goddess Aphrodite (moon).This is a key understanding because the dolphin meaning is connected with themes of duality. It has to do with the dolphin being both fish and mammal. It is both of the water, and an air breather. Ergo, dolphin symbolism talks to us about “being in two worlds at once.” Poseidon (Greek), Neptune (Roman)
Themes of kingship, rulership, authority, strength, dominion, freedom, intelligence, compassion and fatherly protection over the entire kingdom (sea).
Eros (Greek), Cupid (Roman)
These gods contribute dolphin meaning of: Love, friendliness, playfulness, sensuality, desire, exploration, curiosity, attraction and joy.
Dionysus (Greek), Bacchus (Roman)
These deities underscore the dolphins ability to uplift, and carries themes of joviality, freedom, wildness, abandon, creative self-expression. The term delphi is noteworthy as the Greek word for dolphin is delphis and its derivative, delphys means womb. This incorporates more lunar and feminine attributes to the dolphin scene. In Celtic animal symbolism, the dolphin as a highly honored creature as it was seen as the protector of sacred wells and sacred water. The dolphin, to the Celtic mind, is the watcher of the waters, and the guardians of all things water-associated. Pirate lore also hails the dolphin as a symbol of protection.

From my love, LIZ::::::: I know you’ve want to see Ronan in your dreams, but I swear… these fucking dolphins, Maya. My mom said when you guys were talking by the pool yesterday, they were there the entire time. I have no doubt in my mind they are the sign you’ve been looking for. I hope you can sleep better tonight knowing that Ro is always ALWAYS by your side. Love you so much.

I do believe this. It’s happened too many times for me not to. I can’t think of one time that I have not been out by the beach and not had them be there too. At the exact same time I am. I know they don’t just hang out there all day and night. It’s a sign indeed. A beautiful sign from my baby boy. Thanks, Ro. You know I needed that, especially after my hard couple of days.

I took Quinn to Pinkberry tonight. He is my little sidekick. Stuck like glue. He is sleeping between your daddy and I with you GiGi on his head. Just like the way you used to sleep with us after you got sick. I miss watching you sleep. I miss you squeaky voice so much. I’ve got to figure out how to get through this without you, Ro. I’ve got to “flip the switch,” as my friend says. I wish it were that simple, that easy. I need a better attitude?? I need to not miss you so much?? I need to find things to occupy my time?? Are those the answers? I don’t know. I hate the unknown. It’s days like today that I am happy that I got out of bed before 9 and I did my best to play with mommy role that feels so unnatural without you. But I did it. Sucked it up and did it.

I got a random text from my little 17-year-old airplane pal. I have not heard from him in forever. He said he was having a bad day, he is lonely, and he is tired of the drama with girls. This made me smile. Not to take away anything from what he is going though at 17, but what wouldn’t I give for those problems. He told me at 17 he just wants someone to share his life with. I told him the only people he needed to be sharing his life with at 17 are his friends and figuring out what truly makes him happy. I told him it could be a lonely journey, but it will be worth it. How if you take care of yourself first, everything will just fall into place. I told him how I understood, how at 17 I felt very restless and wasn’t really sure what I wanted out of my life so I took the time to leave my town and just focus on me. I never looked back. I told him how I have learned the very hard way how precious life really is, how I will forever be destroyed because I don’t get to watch you grow up. I told him that he, Bryson, has everything, right in front of him. My advice to him was not to let the petty things get him down, to take this time and live his life for him and nobody else, travel, get out of Utah, read books, run, play sports, study, fall in love 10 different times, make mistakes, learn from them, and then make them all over again. I think he liked what I had to say as he told me that I had just made his life sound 10 times more exciting. Glad I could help:) You are a good kid, B, so you will be just fine.

OK baby boy. Ambien nights are here. I love you to the moon and back. You are my heart, my soul, my everything, forever. Nothing can take that away. Sweet dreams, I hope you are safe.

xoxo