Month: November 2011

Hey! You want to go on a Double-Date? And Listen to a Bunch of People, Talk about their Dead Kids?

Ronan. After trying to come to, after being emotionally beaten down these past few days, my head feels a little clear for once. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I’m pushing it again tonight as it is almost 2 a.m. I’ve stopped cold turkey with the sleeping meds due to my weekend of death that I tried to pull off a couple of weekends ago. I think Warden Woody has them locked up somewhere. I don’t dare ask where or if I can have them back. I know when I’ve crossed the line. So, here I am. Not sleeping until I am so tired from being up for so many hours, that my body and mind finally give in. It’s not happening yet, so I will write to you.

I spent the majority of today, in bed. I was exhausted from the night before. I finally got up and moving around 2 p.m. and headed to take your Nana to the airport. Your Daddy took your brothers for a sleepover at the Willets because we had something to go to tonight. I was asked a couple of months ago to be the ambassador for the MISS Foundation. I still at this point, don’t really know what that means and it doesn’t even really matter. All I know is if it is something to help Dr. JoRo, that is all that needs to be said. I would walk through fire for that woman. There was a cocktail hour tonight that I was asked to come to. So your Daddy and I got all dressed up. I asked my stalker friend, Mandy Bee;) a few days ago, if she and her husband, Brandon wanted to join us. She said they would love to. They came over here and we all headed out together. We arrived at a beautiful house in PV and there were about 60 other people there. We hung out and mingled a little bit. Mandy and I went and checked out the grounds of the house and ended up on some patio on top of a pool house. It was such a gorgeous and peaceful night. Your Daddy and her husband, Brandon, were really getting along and there was a lot of football talk so we let them be. There were drinks, food, music, and mingling. Soon, the Director, Kathy Sandler got up to say a few words. Dr. JoRo came over to stand by us. She cracked me up by shoving some food in her face and chowing it down. I love how she always keeps it real. After Kathy talked a bit, she introduced Dr. JoRo who got up to tell her story, how the MISS Foundation came about, what they do and how important it is for families who have lost children. They have over 77 chapters now, all over the world but still get very little funding. This breaks my heart. I know I say this all the time, but I know I would not be functioning the way I am, if not for this foundation. I think there would be a lot less parents in the world, who would just choose to not to live life, after losing a child if it weren’t for the MISS Foundation. They need more help, volunteers, money, etc…. to keep going. Otherwise, this Foundation may have to fold up and go away. I don’t know what I would do. I know how hard Dr. JoRo works. Most of her days are 17 hours long. She works non-stop. I will do whatever it takes to help her keep her baby up and running. It is vital to the survival of parents, everywhere. It is vital, to me.

After Dr. JoRo gave her talk, which was so beautifully sad, she came back to stand by me. I hugged her for a long time. Kathy got up to talk some more. I knew she was going to talk about us, but we didn’t go over what was going to be said. She introduced me, you, your Daddy. She told a bit about you and how you died. Then she started to talk about my blog and the writing I do. She started to read a little blurb from something I had written. Shit. I wasn’t prepared for that. I don’t ever go back to re read what I write to you and once she started reading, it was as if I was listening to her read somebody else’s words. Certainly, those beautifully sad words, were not written by me. Were they? I don’t really even remember writing them. This is what she read, out loud. A blurb from what I wrote, after Michael Dee and Sarah Love were here from Arizona Foothills.

“Michael asked how I feel about being an inspiration to others. I told him I honestly didn’t think about it because all I see is you, inspiring me. And if that turns into inspiring others, than that is such a beautiful thing. If others are ready to embark on this ride with us, I hope they are prepared to hold on tight. Because it is going to no doubt be bumpy, rough, scary, and at sometimes, it is going to feel like death. But I know the end result is going to be something out of this world. Something so different, special, and strong…. just like you. Something that is unlike anything this world has seen. Because never was there a boy, as beautiful as you, Ro. The beauty of your physical self and soul combined was so powerful and I as your mama, know this. Guess who else is figuring this out? The whole wide world. The whole wide world who wants to be a part of this change. Not only in the world of childhood cancer, but in the bigger scheme of things as well. They all know, because of you, that there is more to life, than just THIS.”

Hearing those words being read out loud, was so totally weird. I just started to cry. Dr. JoRo held me. I pulled it together but it was beyond painful. Never in my life, would I have imagined at 33, I would be sitting under a starry night, holding your Daddy’s hand at an event because one of my babies died of Childhood Cancer. This is so not acceptable. This is so not the path, I imagined my life taking. I still cannot believe you didn’t survive this. I’m still so sorry and so sick to my stomach over the fact that this has happened. Nothing will ever be o.k. again, Ronan. This life without you, is not o.k. This life without you, will always be wrong. So now, my life, this life that I get to live has now turned into a very not o.k. always wrong, life. A life where my heart feels like it lives outside of my body where people are trampling all over it, every second of the day.

After Kathy was finished talking, I had the chance to meet some lovely ladies from Raising Arizona Kids. One of them had interviewed me for a Grief article they did. She was so sweet the few times that I had spoken to her on the phone and it was lovely to put a face with her voice. She was even lovelier in person and I was so grateful that they came. The more awareness, the better for the MISS Foundation. They deserve to be recognized so much more than they are. Raising AZ Kids has been really good about helping them out with this. I will forever be grateful to them.

We stayed at the event for about another hour or so. At one point I was talking to a very sweet lady, Yasaman. She was at the Grief Retreat that I was at and came up to me to say hello and to introduce herself. I told her I remembered her. She told me she didn’t know who I was, at the retreat, but she left there not being able to stop thinking about me. She said she ended up finding me on Dr. Jo’s FB page which lead her to your story, Ro. She said she started reading and couldn’t stop. She said she things like, your story, has changed her life. She was trying so hard, not to cry. She offered to do anything for me, even folding laundry and mopping my floor. I told her that wouldn’t be necessary and I gave her my phone number instead and told her to call me if she ever wanted to have coffee. She smiled and told me she would. While we were talking, a young girl came up to me and said she was sorry for interrupting, but she had wanted to meet me all night. I asked her name and she told me. She asked if she could have her picture taken with me and I said, of course. I asked her what she did, in her real life. She seemed shocked that I wanted to know about her. It turns out, she works for a law firm and just happened to stumble upon this blog one day while she was googling Rockstar Energy Drinks. Awesomeness. She gave up her Saturday Night, to come and volunteer at this event, because put I put it out there, a few weeks ago, that the MISS Foundation needs volunteers. I felt light headed when she told me this. There are so many kind people in the world, Ronan. This 23-year-old girl, gave up her Saturday Night, just for you. I was amazed. So many great things seem to be happening. Does everyone see this, except me? I am in such a fog that I don’t really realize it, until they are right in front of my face, like Saturday night. Are people really listening? Are you coming back? Sometimes I think you are. Some days it’s the only way I survive the day, by living in a fake reality that is powered by tricking myself into thinking that you are coming back because LOVE is that powerful. Shouldn’t this be the way the world works? I think so.

After we said our goodbyes to Dr. JoRo for the night, your Daddy, Mandy, Brandon and I went to Wally’s to get a little food. I told them they had passed the initiation test and they were officially our friends. For Fucks Sake. Nice first couples date. Yes, hello, would you like to come to a cocktail party with us. An event because our child died and you can come with us and listen to all of these other parents talk about their dead kids, too! Doesn’t that sound like a normal fucking Saturday night? What the hell. That is so wrong. And awful. And sad. But you know what. It is our life. And Mandy and Brandon could not have been better company. For as messed up as it was, we still enjoyed the night and each other. Stalker Mandy is here to stay. And I am so glad. Our love for all things dark and skull like will help get me through this.

Ro Baby. You know what else?! I have been so beyond busy but your Rocking Rockstar Washington Peeps have been so busy too. I have no idea what is going on, except I turned some things over to Robin Miller and Jen Woodard and OMG. They threw together a fundraiser in about a week and had it last night. They have gotten the community so involved and raised over 3K! That is pretty impressive for throwing something together in such short notice and this is just the beginning. They are getting all the schools involved so that pretty soon, SEPTEMBER will be recognized everywhere as CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. I am so proud to be a Kelso/Longview girl. My roots will always go back to my small home town and I could not be prouder. Thank you to all of our lovelies there. Especially in this economy, to raise that amount of money, in such a small town, is incredible. You girls RULE.

Alright my not spiciest little monkey boy. I’ve got to go. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro.

xoxo

Love you, Mandy Bee. Thank you for letting me just be.

Tears on the Inside. Sparkly on the Outside.

Ro Baby. Did you see us last night? Me. Your Daddy. Your brothers. Your cousins. Your Mimi Kay. Your Nana. Your Cousins. Your Tricia,Marisa,Danielle,Gay,Gina,Fernanda,Stacy,Sarah,Lindsey,Niki,Uncle Jay, Liz and Dr. JoRo. All of our new friends, too. I know you felt the love. How could you have not. The venue last night, was filled with the most beautiful people, in the world. The only one missing, was you. What were you doing, last night? We’re you watching us dancing along with the music? Were you running around eating all the candy? Were you throwing things off the balcony?? I’ll bet that’s what you would have been doing. If you would have been there tonight, you would have rocked the runway like no other. Nobody could wear a Fedora, quite like you.

I wonder so many things now, Ronan. Everything that is happening seems so surreal. I never truly experienced that word, until losing you. Now I feel this way with everything that happens in my life. Whether it be from being surrounded by so much love last night at the Fashion Show, to running on the canal late tonight and I swear the whole time the path sparkled like glitter. I’m laying in your bed right now, unable to sleep. Even this seems surreal. Do you want to talk about last night? I think we should as it was a night to be remembered, for as much as I don’t want to because I just don’t want it to be true. I want it to not be real and I want to just wake up from the nightmare of having you gone. I just pinched myself and fucking felt it. So, we will talk about last night.

I don’t know why it didn’t hit me, until last night as I was smack in the middle of watching kids walk down the runway that OMG, this is so totally wrong. For as beautiful as it was, it was just as equally as fucked up. There I was, sitting with your Daddy, Dr. JoRo and your Nana, while pictures of you played on the slide show above me and I sat back and watched as all these adorable kids, came dancing down the runway. I kept looking for you. Surely, you had to be next, right?? I waited and waited and waited. You didn’t come. I saw everyone, but you. I kept looking at Dr. JoRo. I didn’t even have to say a word to her. Her eyes said it all. I know exactly what she was thinking because I was thinking it too. Thoughts floated in and out of my head. I think I left my body for most of the night. I would have given my soul, right then and there, to not have had to be there because you got cancer and died. I kept my composure most of the night and managed to smile, naturally. My smile came because of all of the beautiful people in the room. I fully believe that 99% of them there, were for the RIGHT reasons. The other 1%, can FUCK OFF. You know who you are. You see Ro…. I may be new to all of this, but I have a vision for what I want your Foundation to turn into. Something of substance. Something where people are FULLY invested for the right reasons. Just not because they want their picture in Arizona Foothills Magazine. Or because they want their child, in a fashion show. I don’t ever want this to turn into that. It’s so important to me that this message in all of this, does not get lost. It takes a certain kind of person to understand this message and to truly want to understand the real meaning behind it. These are the kinds of people, I want behind us. I’m not tolerating the other bullshit. I just won’t do it because of your fancy last name. I am not an ass kisser and do not plan on starting now.

But Ro. Let me tell you about all of the RIGHT people that I had the pleasure of meeting last night, all thanks to you. I didn’t do a lot of socializing, but when I did venture out into our new world that exists it was so sparkly and gorgeous, just like you. While I was in hiding, in the VIP area a girl came in because she thought she saw me. She was the most darling thing and was so nervous to talk to me. She kept saying things like she couldn’t believe she was meeting me, but I felt just as lucky to be meeting her. She told me I was her hero which made me laugh. She must like my use of the Fuck word. I hugged her and she kept trying not to cry, but she had everyone else in the room, crying because of the TRUE, VULNERABLE, emotion that she couldn’t hide. I took some pictures with her. I tried to make light of the heaviness in the room by telling her we could take a naughty picture too. We stood there and smiling, and posing, while we flipped off the camera. She laughed. I hugged her again and thanked her for coming. I saw a girl named Tiffani that I met at the Garage a couple of weeks ago. I remembered her and her name which was huge for me, as I have an awful memory these days. I said, “Hi, Tiffani!” She was so excited and cute. She asked if she could have her picture taken with me. I told her of course. I think we flipped off the camera as well. Whoops! I’ll bet this is the first charity event that has been held, where the middle finger was used in pretty much every picture taken. Classy, Maya. It makes me laugh because you know what?? Cancer is that fucked up that I think it should be mandatory that if you go to an event, in support of cancer, that everybody should flip off the fucking camera. Especially if it is because your child died from it. I got to meet another one of my blog readers, whom I’ve been wanting to meet FOREVER. Michelle. She has been reading forever. She is always supportive, even with my darkest posts. She has a lot of faith which I so respect. She never throws it in my face, which I LOVE. I RESPECT that. I was so happy to meet her, and to give her a big hug. I wish I would have gotten a chance to hang out with her more. I can tell she is an awesome lady.

There venue was filled last night with so many of my favorite people. Some I know well, others I do not, but they always make me smile when I run into them. Nate’s mom was there, Beth. Little Elizabeth’s mom, Heidi. Mia’s mom, Sandra. All mommies who’s babies are battling cancer right now. That meant the WORLD to me. Elizabeth was supposed to be in the fashion show, but she is stuck in the hospital due to a fever and low immune system. She did her own fashion show, from her hospital room. The pictures are PRICELESS. They melted my heart. I have no doubt, the two of you would have been such great friends. She has such a spirit and glow about her. I saw Jen, the mama of 3 boys who is battling Brain Cancer. All 3 of her sweet boys, were in the show. She is in the middle of treatment that she is doing, in California, and supporting you means so much to her that even though she just returned from Cali, she made it to the Fashion Show. Did I mention that she is battling Brain Cancer? Talk about an amazing mama. I know how excited her boys were to be in this. I met them the other day and I can tell you, never in my life have I met 3 sweeter boys. Well, excluding you and your brothers. And those Willets boys. The 9 of you, together, would have had the BEST time.

And Ro. Some sweet man bought that painting for us, that Dash did. The dad of a mommy I know. How sweet is that? It is so beautiful and it was so kind of him to do. People are amazing. That picture reminds me so much of you and will go perfectly in your untouched room. Your room that has your Star Wars figures dumped out all over the floor because I put them there, the other day, so you could play with them. I haven’t picked them up. Dr. JoRo tripped over them tonight and it made me laugh because that is exactly what would have happened if you had been here. I stepped on one with my bare foot tonight as I was coming to climb into your bed. I yelled out “FUCK!” because it hurt. Then I smiled because it made me think you were here. Then I cried because you were not. I’m laying in your bed now. It’s quiet and cool. Your stuffed animals say Hello and that they miss you. I’ll sleep with them tonight for you.

I know you saw the venue last night. It looked amazing. I have a list a mile long of people who I just want to reach out and hug to tell them Thank You. Miss Katie, first. For so many things. Do you know, how I met Miss Katie? I think I told you. I didn’t know her, before all of this. At some point, we became friends on FB, which I don’t even remember because I am now such a FB whore, that I accept every friend request that comes my way. I used to be so private. Guess that all flew out the window, once you got cancer because I decided that I had nothing to lose. I have no idea who half of my FB “Friends” are but some of the best of them, have come out of it, like Katie. I don’t get on there very often anymore, because I tend to get overwhelmed. But when I was checking it this summer, I noticed Katie from the Garage for Kids would often repost my blogs. I remember thinking how sweet that was, because her store was more of a “Kids,” clothing store and my blog is not very “Kid,” friendly. Once we returned from our summer away, I think I messaged Katie to tell her I wanted to come by her store, to tell her thank you in person. We set up a time for me to come by. As soon as I walked in, it was just kind of like, “Oh. Hello.I’ve known you my whole life.” It was actually really weird, but it wasn’t. It just felt like that’s the way it had always been. Then I started coming into her store more and more. Then the Fashion Show idea got thrown in there. Well, Ro. I can tell you something. There is NOBODY, I would have rather done this with. It is so important to me, when throwing your name out there, that it is associated with the right kind of person. Katie is without a doubt, that person and I am so thankful. I feel like we work really well together and we share a lot of the same visions. Everything about last night was so detailed and sweet. From the pearls that dripped off the Miss Piggy Spirit Hood to the wrap around candy bar. I know as this event goes on in the future, that is just going to get bigger and better. I am so excited for the future of this and what’s to come. And that’s saying a lot, because I know you know how hard it is for me to think about the future. I usually refuse to go there.

You know what else, Ro? I have this hive around me called The Busy Little Bees. I think I made this up, in one of my blog references and the name has stuck. I like it. It’s cute. It’s sweet. Maybe a little too sweet? Maybe I should rename them, The Fuckin’ Busy Little Bees;) Nah. I’ll keep it clean. And pure. Because that’s what these women’s hearts are. Full of love for you. And me. And our family. And their families. I’ve never in my life, seen anything like them. It’s amazing how they pulled this all off. It’s amazing how they all came together and totally got shit done. It’s because of these women, Katie, and all the generous donors and support of the community, that your event was such a huge success. I am humbled. I am thankful. I am honored to know such beauty in such ugliness. You are so loved.

I have a thousand more words to write, but it’s 4:30 a.m. I’ve got to try to get some sleep. We can talk about my dark run freak out Dr. JoRo left a wedding to pick my ass up tonight because I was hysterical….. later on. I love you so much. I miss you more. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Seriously. Thank you. To everyone who is reading this. Who came out last night. Who helped. Who smiled at me. Who hugged me. Who cries for me. Who was there, in spirit. Who donated. I don’t care if it’s a freaking quarter. It’s something. You are doing something, even if it’s just wearing his bracelet. Even if it’s just talking about him. You’re doing so much more, than you think. I love you for this. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. OH! And dear sweet Taylor Swift! I almost forgot! Did you wear that purple the other night on the award show, while you sang your song, just for RO??!! Everyone thinks you did!! I do too:) Thank you, baby girl. My Quinn has not stopped playing your music, since we left your concert. And last night, I honored you at Ro’s Fashion show. I had my friend, Dave write one of your lyrics down my arm. Do you know what it said?? Everyone has been asking, but I wanted to tell you first. It said…..

“And I don’t know why but with you I’d dance

In a storm in my best dress

FEARLESS”

I know why. You know why. He knows why.

Thank you. Love you.

xoxo

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We are OBSESSED with DASH!

Look what he painted for our Rockstar Event! Available to bid on, but we think it’s PRICELESS! Thank you Dash!!!!

 

Here is what he said about the painting:
“Glad you like it! I wanted to capture the giant energy infinitely generated from such a small loving heart. A true rockstar that will live forever. :)”

We HEART YOU!!!

Extra, Extra!! Garage Girl Hijacks Rockstar Ronan Blog!!!!

Garage Girl here. Word on the street is the most fabulous event to ever hit Scottsdale, AZ is almost sold out. Rock the Runway for Ronan is the talk of the town. Rumor has it that raffle items such as goodies personally autographed by Miss Taylor Swift, a meet and greet plus concert with Selena Gomez, a private basketball clinic with Grant Hill, and a Las Vegas trip to attend the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Model Launch Party are just some of the items up for grabs. We also hear Chuck Bass has been trying to work his magic on Katie. But we all know she’s much too sweet to fall for that bad boy. Or is she? See you tomorrow night, Rockstars.

xoxo
Garage Girl

THIS JUST IN!!!!

Because Garage Girl has ALL the inside scoop, she was able to get her hot little Dior gloved hands on the official list for the items up for Bid to benefit The Ronan Thompson Foundation!!!!!!

Silent Auction

Arizona Diamondbacks 2012 Season Game in D’Backs Suite for 18 pp

Grant Hill Basketball Clinic for 10 kids for Two Hours

4 Tickets to Meet & Greet Selena Gomez and attend concert on 12/2/11

Men’s Raffle

Arizona Cardinals 2012 Season Game in a Suite

Signed Randy Johnson baseball and Diamondbacks merchandise

Golf for Two at The Club at Seven Canyons Private Club in Sedona

Roundtrip airfare for two on Southwest Airlines

Autographed Bret Michaels Cowboy Hat

Women’s Raffle

Necklace from James Elliot with a diamond mini rolo containing white and black diamonds in 18 karat white gold, and titanium mini rolos

Arizona Foothills Magazine Photo shoot for your child to be featured in a two-page spread in Style Section. Includes being styled for the shoot by Garage Boutique for Kids

Stella & Dot Bamboleo necklace

Jewel Ya hoop earrings with drops

Original Artwork by Dash entitled “Rockstar Ronan”

Kid’s Experience Raffle

“Model Employee for the Day” from The Garage Boutique for Kids; Includes a $200 Gift Certificate

Taylor Swift program and signed perfume

Autographed Guitar from Jordin Sparks, American Idol 2007 Winner

Gymnastics Birthday Party for 12 at Scottsdale Gymnastics & Trampoline

How SIZZLING is this stuff! Only the best for you Rockstars!!

OMG. Did you hear what Heather Novak is wearing?! We hear it is something totally fierce!!!!

xoxo

Garage Girl

6 Mother Fucking Months? Fuck you, ASSHOLE CANCER

Ro baby. 6 months. Soon. 3:22 a.m. tomorrow. In just 5 and a half hours. No. NO.NO. But yes. Because as I said tonight, as I was leaving Dr. JoRo’s, I’m being punished for something I did in a past life or something? I must have done something really, really, awful to deserve this pain, yes? That’s the only thing I can think of, that makes sense. What would I have done that would have been so horrific, that I deserved to lose you? Murdered 10,000 babies? Did I blow up an entire city? It must have been something huge, for this to happen. WTF? But it doesn’t make sense. Because I don’t really have a mean bone in my body. Except if you piss me off. Then I will punch you. But I really won’t. I don’t think I’ve ever punched a person in my life, but I think it sounds cool, so I like to say it.

What has been going on, little man? I don’t know. I don’t even know the last time I’ve written. It feels like weeks ago. The Fashion Show is Thursday. THE FASHION SHOW IS THURSDAY! I’m not sure if I’m excited. I don’t really know the feeling of excitement anymore. Am I proud? Yes. I guess. What does that, even really mean? Am I proud that I have not slit my wrists or run off to China, solo? Sure. I guess. Whatever. And I thankful? Some days. I am thankful for all the amazing people, surrounding me. Helping with this. Supporting us. Loving you. Everyday. Everyday, Ro. Because they are the people, in this world, who get it. For as much as they don’t, they do. But, I’m not thankful because you are dead. And I just want you back. But I can’t have you back, so I will surround myself with the people who won’t let me fall. Or, who will let me fall but who will be there to just rub my back and let me cry while I carry around my dead child’s blanket and bury my face in it to cry like I did tonight at the Garage. And Katie didn’t need to say anything. She just let me be. She just let me bury my head and cry while she stood by and rubbed my back. And that was enough. After that, we went out for a quick bite to eat. With her darling store employee, Christy, and Denise who flew in from San Francisco to help with the fashion show. To support us. Because she loves us and believes in you. We went to dinner and I made the girls laugh. Do you know, that never happens anymore, Ro? And you know how secretly funny I am. You know that it is only when I am truly comfortable that I am able to let me funny side, come out. We were talking about the perception of me now. I guess because I throw the fuck word out a lot on here, people expect when they meet me, that I am some tough-ass, rocking out, loud, center of attention, chick. And then when they meet me, they are thrown off because I’m actually pretty shy and quiet. I told Katie and the girls tonight that when I meet someone for the first time, that reads this blog that instead of saying, “Hi, I’m Maya. Nice to meet you.” That I should really say, ” Hi, I’m Maya. Nice to FUCKING MEET YOU!” The whole table laughed at that tonight and it was a nice way to end a hard day and night, by making some of the sweetest girls alive, laugh. Because for that split second I didn’t feel like Maya Thompson, whose son just died of cancer. For that split second I felt like Maya Thompson, the girl who has a great life with 3 healthy boys, and who is funny as shit. But only if she let’s her guard down with you. I loved that split second of feeling normal, Ro. I miss it a lot some days. Most days. All days.

I think I have been running around like mad. I’m pretty sure, after this event, I am going to crash and burn. For a lot of reasons. I’m pretty sure, Katie, deserves to go on an exotic vacation for a good 2 weeks and does not need to answer her phone or emails while I send her on this pretend vacation. If I had a magic wand, I would bring you back and send Katie somewhere amazing. And we would go with her and play in the sand and help you make Star Wars castles. I’m pretty sure, you would love all of this. I’m pretty sure, most of the people who are alive and who have kids who are alive and who can easily do this, don’t. Or if they do, they don’t know how lucky they truly are. And I hope if they read this and the next time they get to do this, that they think of you, and do realize how lucky they are. Because having a healthy family is really what it’s all about. It’s all that matters, really. I knew this. We all knew this which is why this really seems like a sick joke. Maybe if I had been a bad mom this wouldn’t hurt so much? Do you think that’s the case, Ro? Do you think if I had been a really, really, bad mom who drank and did lots of drugs and who didn’t take care of her kids that I wouldn’t be hurting so much? Do you think because I took such good care of you and loved you and your brothers so much, that the pain couldn’t possibly get any worse? I kind of do. I’ve told you this before. It’s like I’m being punished because I loved you too much. And you loved me so much that the world was scared of it or something? Or maybe it was because your eyes were too blue and mine are too green? Who the fuck knows. And I don’t know if I’ll ever know so I’ll just end this little paragraph with a poem that our Dr. JoRo sent me. Here you go, little bug.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

I saw Dr. JoRo tonight. Do you want to know her scale for figuring out how I am doing on a daily basis is, Ro? She asks me now, “So, is it a shitty day, a fucking shitty day, or a mother-fucking shitty day?” Today, I told her it was a mother-fucking fucking shitty day and I had a hit list with 3 people on it. She goes, “Oh, that’s a new one!” We then sat for the next few hours and went over what’s been going on. I guess a lot. I sat there and stared at you on the obituary she has of you, displayed in her office. Your big, blue eyes just stared at me. I told Dr. JoRo that this is so fucking unfathomable to me, that I felt like you were somebody else’s child, staring at back at me from your picture. You, that sweet gorgeous dead child, couldn’t possibly have been mine. No way. Nope. Never. Not happening. I am not the one in the room, talking to Dr. JoRo because that gorgeous creature of mine, staring at me with eyes that I used to get lost in, is fucking dead of cancer. Almost 6 months ago. Dr. JoRo said I looked tired. I told her, always. Which is why I was wearing my purple glasses tonight. To hide the dark circles under my eyes. Along with the red eyes, the tear filled eyes, the puffy eyes. Those purple glasses, can hide a lot.

I left Dr. JoRo to head back to check in with Katie. I sat in the parking lot before I left Dr. JoRo to gather my thoughts, first though. Then I had a mad texting freak out session with our favorite lovie. I think I wrote things like how lame and stupid it was that people think that because you died, I will go on to do amazing things. Like this is my job and purpose now, because you are dead. And who is the asshole that decided you had to DIE, for me to do these things?? I said things like if you had survived, I would have done even more amazing things. I wouldn’t have just been a mom, whose kid got cancer, who lucked out, and they survived, and then they just went on with their lives. I would have fought and fought and fought even harder, until a cure was found. With you here, on this earth, fighting with me. I think went on to say that this world is full of stupid, ignorant, and INCONSIDERATE, people everywhere and the next time I ran into one, I was going to punch them. And then I said I was going to move to Iceland. Alone. Where I don’t have to deal with asshole people who give you fake smiles, like they care. I have a radar for fake smiles, you know. And no tolerance for them.

I ended up getting talked down off the ledge. As always. The one person in my life, that can do this for me. I know you know why, Ro. You always have. But than I asked for a question to be answered. Because you know, my questions are always never-ending. I wanted our lovie to tell me why you had to die, for me to go on and fight this fucking fight. Our lovie told me, there would never be an answer for your death because it shouldn’t have happened. I sighed. A tear slid down my cheek. I know this. But I still struggle with this question, everyday. You know what I wish? That I were a really, really, stupid, ignorant person, who didn’t think about questions. Who just accepted answers. How blissful would it be to live a dumb life, because you just didn’t know any other way? Surely, it would be less painful? Not to question everything. So many questions that you are constantly feeling like you are trying to climb walls that don’t exist, only to never get to the top, and the walls leave your fingers bloody, shredded, black and blue. Fucking Bullshit.

It’s 11:11. I stared at the clock and said over and over again, ” I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you know I love you. I hope you know I’m sorry. I hope you know I wish it were me. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am so, so, sorry for not saving you. I’m so sorry, I broke my promise to you.

And now I have to go, Ro. Because 6 months ago, at this time, we were cuddling up together while you were leaving this world. And I was listening to the sound of you breathing, while the oxygen blew next to your face. While Fernanda sang you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star but she didn’t know the words, so she had to Google them. Thank Ro, for fucking Google. Not God. Always Ro.

I love you. I’m sorry. I miss you so much that it feels like 6 years that we have been apart, not 6 months. I hope you are safe my little not spicy, monkey boy. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo

It’s almost time!!! This Thursday!! Tickets are almost SOLD OUT! So thankful for the LOVE!!

Get your tickets, if you have not done so. The event is close to selling out! I hope you are ready to watch the most amazing kids Rock it for Ronan! This event is going to be so awesome. A huge thank you to my lovie, Katie @ Garage Boutique for all of her hard work! And to all of my Busy Little Bees who came in to help in so many ways!!!! I don’t know what I would do without you all! This is such a bittersweet event for me and everything that went into this truly has captured the essence of Ronan. He would have LOVED this. Thank you so much. Love you all.

xoxo

http://runwayforronan.eventbrite.com/

Like a Little Million Stars Spelling out your Name

Ronan. Just when I think I have a handle on something…. like my sleep, turns out I’ve spoken too soon. This sleep thing, for the past week has been awful again. I can’t unwind, when I do, I toss and turn, or just can’t fall asleep. Tonight was awful. My body is so tired that literally, everything hurts. I swear even the strands of my hair. Your Daddy was trying to get me to unwind, but I was hurting so badly, I couldn’t lay still. I sat in bed with him and just cried while he did his best to comfort me. What did I do? I pulled away and said things like he promised me he wouldn’t let you die, that everything hurts too much, that Romeo died with Juliet so why couldn’t I die with you? I am pretty sure my pain, of losing you, is way worse than their’s was. I got up, rambling something about needing to break a window. Your Daddy followed me and grabbed me to because I think he really thought I was going to. It started to storm out really hard. Quinn ended up in our bed with us, sobbing like a little puppy dog because he said he misses you. I just held him and cried too. It was all I could do. Your daddy was the one doing the talking. He told Quinn things like he bets the storm was your way of telling us, not to be so sad. I think it was your way of telling us, that you are so sad too, because you miss us so much. My head is spinning thinking of the ways we all miss each other now. Of how we were never supposed to be apart.

My body is now so tired that it just won’t sleep. I’m past the point of tired. Can somebody just shoot me in the head? Oye….. started that last night, Ro. Guess I was not in such a good place. But when am I? That’s why nights like tonight, are necessary. For as much as I want to hide and avoid people, it’s nights like tonight that show me that I cannot. Because I am capable of having a slightly good time. Good time may be pushing it, but Ro, it felt better than my nights have felt in a long time. I’ve been really good at not doing anything with ANY of my girlfriends. No more movie dates, dinners out, etc.. Nothing. Not a thing. Well, I threw a little something together, last-minute to try to break up this rut I’m in. I saw that there was a Roller Derby tournament going on tonight. You know me and my big mouth. I have blabbed about this Roller Derby thing since before you were sick. I have had your Papa Jim all psyched up about it, saying he’d fly all the way here, to watch etc, for two years now. I acted all tough and badass and told him I was going to try out. I had your Nana all worried, because she thought I was serious. I had a plan, and I was mostly kidding, but I continued on talking about it because I just couldn’t let it go. And your Papa Jim and I loved seeing your Nana all riled up; upset that her little girl, could possibly get hurt doing something so crazy like Roller Derby. Then you got sick. And all the jokes stopped. And all the teasing stopped. Nothing was funny anymore. Life became……so serious. So much more serious than I ever though was possible.

When I started looking into the Roller Derby thing again, I thought to myself, this could actually be really good for me. I really think this is something I could check out. What a great way to get some of this aggression out. So, I decided to grab a couple of girlfriends, to go and watch. A night out? Yes. It’s time. A night out with just a couple of girls, is way overdue. So, I asked my new friend, Mandy Bee to go with me. She’s from Canada, Eh, and we seem to have some sort of connection. Oh yes… this little Mandy Bee. The one who drops bags full of candy off for me as well as kick ass leg warmers. The one who stalked me and I liked her from the second I laid eyes on her. The one who cusses like a sailor and has a dark side which sings to my soul. This new little Mandy Bee of mine feels like someone who I have known in a past life or something. I like this girl. A lot. I asked her to come with me. She was game, right away. I also asked my dear friend, Melissa to come as well. My dear Melissa whom I never get to spend time with, but she is someone I always want to be around. She makes me feel safe. And sad. And happy. And it feels good to be safely sadly happy, around her. Because she knows. She sat with us so many days at the clinic. You used to laugh when her cell phone would ring and chirp like a bird. She loves you. She misses you. She’s never gone away. She hadn’t met Mandy yet. I thought the 3 of us, together, would make a good team. I was right. Melissa picked us up at our house. We hung out for a few minutes and then we headed out to the West Side of the Valley. The chatter was easy in the car. Honest and true. Just the way I like it. A little dark too. We got to the Roller Derby Rink. Lots of tough looking girls skating around everywhere. We found some seats and got up to talk to some of the Roller Derby girls in the booth behind us. We threw lots of questions their way. Turns out, every Wednesday, you can come and get familiar with what exactly goes into this Roller Derby thing. Turns out, every Wednesday, they have try-outs. Radness. Mandy and I locked eyes. Sign us up, please. Melissa laughed and said she would come and watch. I told Mandy, after this Fashion Show awesomeness, you will find me on the rink. We shall see. What have I got to lose, Ro? NOTHING. What have I got to lose, if I don’t try this out? Regret. Regret is an awful thing to be chained down to in life. I won’t do it. I want to try this, so I think I will. Go Big or Go Fucking Home.

After we watched the match, which is totally confusing by the way. They really have a strategy down, those girls. It’s not just girls in badass outfits, skating around, pushing and tripping each other. There is a reason behind the madness. I wonder if those girls, have a reason behind their madness, like me. I’ll bet not. I’ll bet nobody’s reason behind their madness is because their almost 4-year-old, died of cancer. I have a feeling, I’ll be solo on this mission. It’s o.k. I like being the lone wolf. I always have. I work best this way. So, Ro. After the match we headed out and decided to grab some dinner. We stopped at St. Francis to grab some food. I was wearing my purple F U Cancer sweatshirt and as we made our way through the restaurant to sit outside, so we didn’t have to wait an hour and a half to be seated….. a lady at a table yelled at me that she liked my sweatshirt. I told her thanks and she asked where I got it. I told her my friend had made it for me. She then told me that her sister had just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and that she would love my sweatshirt. I told her then she had to have my bracelet and I took my Fuck You Cancer bracelet off of my arm for her. She read it and looked up at me, smiling. I knew I was going to have to tell her, about you. So I pulled out one of my little cards, with your picture on it. I started to explain your story. Then man next to her, interrupted me. “What was your son’s name?” He asked. I simply said, “Ronan.” His eyes welled up with tears and he stood up. “Oh my goodness. I am (crap I cannot remember his name) the Chaplin over at The Ryan House. I have prayed for your family, since I heard about Ronan. I’ve read your blog. FUCK YOU CANCER!” He grabbed me for a big hug. “I’m so sorry about Ronan.” My heart sank. But my heart, also fluttered too. The Chaplin of the Ryan House, just said, “Fuck You Cancer!” It totally made me laugh. We stood and talked for a few more minutes. The girls and I then went to sit outside to enjoy some beers and food. YUM. Beer, Food (I ate!) and new and old friends. It felt good just to be sitting outside, on a crisp night, with this new friend of mine and this old friend of mine. And to watch the way the 2 of them, got along. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE, Ro. You know how I love to watch relationships form. It’s like a science experiment to me. The 3 of us, mesh well together. The night ended around 10:30. Your little stalker brother, Quinny, was getting worried. That’s the new nickname, I’ve given him. I was supposed to be home (or I told him I’d be home around 9:30) When the clock turned 9:31, I looked down at my phone and had 8 missed calls from him.(or so we figured out after about 15 minutes of us girls freaking out that 8 missed calls had come from some creepy unknown phone number( our house phone which I don’t even know the number to because we don’t use it) Turns out, it was Quinny, wanting to know where I was. I told him I would be home soon. I then gave him the nickname, Little Stalker. I thought that was pretty PG rated of me. It could have been Little Fucker. The girls and I laughed about the phone thing, forever. It felt nice.

Ro baby. Started all of this a couple of days ago. It’s Sunday Funday now. Or Sunday I Fucking Hate you day. Except today, wasn’t a bad day. I was gone all day, helping out with Fashion Show things. It’s this week! Can you believe that, little man? All because of you. Bittersweet to say the least. But we are doing everything, just the way you would have liked it. Just the way, you would have rocked it. If only you were here, to enjoy it. I so thought you would still be here. Remember how I thought we would still be going back and forth between New York and here? How I was so ready, to pack up my life, to live with you in New York? How I wasn’t scared because I knew the two of us would be together so that was all that mattered. How New York, quickly felt like our second home. As if we had lived there together, in a former life. Remember how we used to spend the days, roaming the streets, not caring that you had cancer because we knew New York was going to heal you? It was going to save you. How the fuck were we so wrong?? How did that not happen, baby? I’m so sorry, Ro. You know I would give anything to change this. I miss you so much. My whole heart feel like it is missing, without you. But I’m still here, fighting for you. Because as I told Michael Dee, Sarah Love and Heather while they sat in my kitchen last week…. what choice do I have? You, Ronan Sean Thompson came into this world, kicking, screaming and crying. I had to watch you leave this world, silently. Not being able to do any of those things because cancer robbed you of that. So now I am fucking left here; and it is my job to kick, scream and cry for you until the world starts to listen. Until this little army of mine, turns into a REALLY FUCKING BIG ARMY and Childhood Cancer starts to get the attention it deserves. Because I refuse to just sit back and watch as these poor innocent children are fucking MURDERED before our very eyes but nobody cares. Because it’s not their child, right Ro? It may not be their child but what if it is someday?? Or what if it ends up being their grandchild or cousin or niece or nephew or Godchild? What assholes, will all these people who have chosen to IGNORE Childhood Cancer, feel like? Fucking Douchebag Assholes, I’m sure. Guess what Ro? I know a whole bunch of people who did not even know you, who DO NOT want to be Douchebag Assholes. They want to help. They want to be a part of something because they know this is something REAL. In a world full of SO many FAKE PLASTIC TREES. The Fake Plastic Trees in life will only get you so far, right Ro. The Fake Plastic Trees will leave you with an icky taste in your mouth that will never go away. No matter how often you CHOOSE to look away. Because guess what Douchebag Asshole People???? Now that you’ve read these words….. It’s a CHOICE now. You CHOOSE. I hope you can sleep well at night. With his big, blue eyes, piercing into your soul. Because they are that life changing. And trust me. I now know a lot more about life, than I ever hoped to. And I had to learn the hardest way possible. As of now, you DO not. So fucking do something. Or do not take his gift. Go on. Carry about your days until you Louis Vuitton luggage, becomes too heavy and your Xanex becomes to weak to numb your pain. Are you still going to look the other way????? That makes me sad. I’m so, so very sorry. Ronan deserved to be here. Do you?????????? If so, make it worthwhile. Because to be any other way, is just not enough. And I know deep down, we all want to be more than enough.

Um, Hi, Ro. Are you still there?? I’m sorry baby. I think my post got hijacked by Inca tonight. Apparently, I had a lot to say. I’m not even sure what just went on up there. Oh well. Fuck it. Most of the time when I write to you, I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience. I feel like I get so lost in my writing that I am watching from above, while I’m really off somewhere else, playing with you. I love this time, so much. I’m sorry it has to be this way for now. I am trying so very hard to do this. To make you proud of me. You push me and you give me strength. You are a gift to me every second of my life. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little one.

xoxo

This is now on the John Lennon Wall in Prague thanks to the raddest girl who has ever lived in NYC. Miss Rachel Goldman. Thanks Dolly. You made my day with this.

xoxo

Sarah Love outdid herself. Thank you, dolly. Thank you Arizona Foothills. It’s Beautiful. It’s Perfect. It’s Real. I’m Honored.

http://www.arizonafoothillsmagazine.com/features/people/2934-dear-ronan-we-miss-you-.html