A pretty perfect playday with our new friends and a hummingbird.

Ronan. Monday. Presidents Day. Or in other words….. your brothers get to stay home from school day so you’d better act like a normal mama, and make a fun plan for them like you would have back in the day. A fun plan was made for me a few days ago.

Incoming text message from Margarita: Do you want to take the boys roller skating on Monday? On the west side?

Me: Total awesomeness. Roller skating? On the west side? That is so dangerous. Yes, please.

A plan was in place. One less thing I had to think about.

The morning came and I woke up feeling extremely hung over for some reason. It was not due to the imaginary shots/wine/beer I drank. I think I was hung over from the amount of restless sleep that had consumed me once again, during the night. I hopped in the shower, got your brothers up, showered and we were out the door and shoved into this bright, bright world. I took them to Taylor’s for breakfast. “Table for 3?” the waitress cooed. My brain automatically went to, no… table for 4. Where’s Ro? I looked behind me. “Oh, yeah. Table for 3, please.” Fuck. That will never sound right. I sat with your brothers and watched as they inhaled their food. Pancakes, eggs, fruit, 4 sides of bacon, toast. Geez. I cannot keep those brothers of yours, full enough. They eat twice as much as I do. You would have given them a run for the money though. Oh, how you LOVED to eat. You were always my best little eater. We finished our breakfast and drove over to Rita’s house so we could follow her to the roller skating rink. Or as I was soon to discover, my heaven.

Your brothers were excited as they had never been roller skating before. We entered the facility which was packed full of every different kind of person you could imagine. Tiny kids, young kids, tweens, teenagers, adults, grandparents…. you name it. The roller skating rink was dark and disco colored balls lit up the ceilings. I was instantly transferred back to 1989, where problems did not exist. Ummmm…. excuse me. How did I not know that this place existed? A dark place you could go, in the middle of the day, where the best/worst top 40’s music is so loud that you could hardly think straight…. all while on roller-skates! It does not get any better, than that. Your brothers were less than thrilled. I don’t think they will be trading their basketball shoes in, anytime soon for a pair of roller-skates. I got the two of them out on the rink a couple of times, but they were so unco√∂rdinated all they did was skate, fall, skate, fall…. over and over again. They were not the least bit impressed with my mad roller skating, look at me, I can twirl around skills. I held their hands as we tried to skate together. I did not hold back my laughter as they continued to fall. They both reminded me of that scene in the movie, “Bambi,” where he is a baby and he is just learning how to walk. Legs flying everywhere so long that little Bambi just cannot get them to cooperate. They were both good sports and by the end of our hour there, I had Liam skating around the rink hardly falling at all. Quinn was over it pretty fast and could not wait to get out of there. I could have stayed there all day. In fact, the next time I go missing in the middle of the day…. you’ll know where to find me. Great Skate hanging out with my new mid 40’s man friend with the most epic mullet and Van Halen shirt I have ever seen. Next time I go I am totally rocking my Van F-ing Halen tee so we will match. Great Skate rules.

We continued on with our little playdate and Rita and Dragon, came over. It was a spur of the moment, let’s salvage the day and play plan. It was our first play date with them and the boys were excited to have their new little friend over. Their little friend was just wanting to play with some trucks. “I’ve got some trucks,” I said to Rita. “Come over.” So they did. Little Dragon had trucks on the brain so I led him into your room. Rita gave me a look and said, “Are you sure???” I told her I was without a doubt sure. I practically begged her to let her little Dragon, into your room to play with the baskets of toys that are just sitting there. We grabbed about 6 trucks and headed out into your backyard. Rita looked at me again, “You’re really sure.” I gave her my best I’m strong but really sad smile and said I was absolutely sure. That it would make me sad, if your toys were not played with. And play that little Dragon did. Alone for a while, while Liam built pirate ship legos in your room and Quinn tossed the football around with me. I heard Rita yell, “Where in the world did you learn to throw a football like that?!” I yelled back at her, that I wasn’t sure, but apparently it meant I was meant to have all boys. Quinn and I were tossing the ball around for about 15 minutes when it happened. I was feeling good about being a good mom, and playing with Quinn. I never feel that way anymore, mainly due to the fact that I feel like I am freaking crying/hiding all the time. I was standing in our yard and I kid you not, a purple headed humming-bird flew right up to my face and stayed there for a good 30 seconds. I thought it was going to kiss my face. What in the world? Am I dreaming this? I froze. Hummingbirds don’t come this close to people and just stay there, do they? It’s head is purple…. I thought to myself. I must be dreaming. Or dead. Then I heard Quinn, “MOM! The hummingbird! It’s head is purple!” Just as he said those words, it flew off. Whoa. That was weird. I’m not dreaming. Quinn saw it too. I didn’t know what to think or do, so I continued to throw the football back and forth with Quinn. I couldn’t stop thinking about the hummingbird. Was that a sign? A Ro sign? I don’t know but you always hear about how after you lose someone you love, signs appear. Was that it? Or was it just a freaking hummingbird? I told myself not to over think it. Just to go with it. It was a little Ro sign indeed. It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those and it felt nice. Thanks baby.

We played outside for the next couple of hours. I watched Quinn play with little Dragon, just like the way he used to play with you. It hurt/felt good all at the same time. I felt my heart fall in love with this little Dragon that I hardly know, instantly. I watched the way he played in the dirt, destroyed part of Liam’s army Alamo that’s set up by our rocks, played trucks, laughed with Quinn, they took the hose and washed your truck together. Everything that they did were all the things Quinn used to do with you. It was almost too much, but it wasn’t. It’s just the way it’s going to have to be from now on. All that mattered was that two little boys’, had the best play date ever and they were both happy. That in turn, made me feel alright. That little humming-bird appeared again and did the exact same thing to me, just as our day was coming to an end. I think it was your way of telling me good job for being such a good mom for the day. I think it was also your way of telling me that our new friends are extra, extra special. I kind of already knew that though. After our friends left, I fell apart in the garage and let myself cry for everything that used to be, but will never be again. I mainly just fell apart because I miss you so much and I have no control over how much it hurts sometimes. Uncontrollable tears are part of this process. I’m sure they will be, for the rest of my life. I’m o.k. with that. I’m o.k. with the tears. You are worth each one of them.

Today was pretty awesome. Not really, because all I did was get caught up on everyday things that I now hate. And I went to the freaking grocery store, which you know I hate. It’s one of the places, that I miss you most. “Come on Maya! Be a good mom! Get your kids some healthy food and try to cook at least 2 meals this week! You can do it!” That was myself, giving myself a pep talk today as I almost aborted grocery store shopping mission. I pushed my little cart, though out the store and missed you so badly, that I found myself magically transported to the toy aisle where I could not move. Frozen in front of the Star Wars toys on aisle 9. I wonder if Ronan would like this guy…. Oh! A guy he didn’t have! Should I buy it? The conversations in my head go on and on all day long like this. The anger came next. -Maya get out of the fucking toy aisle. Ronan is dead, you do not need to buy him any Star Wars toys today. I went and took my anger out on the Kosher food aisle instead. I’ve never made Potato Latkes before. I’m going to make some fucking Potato Latkes today. I’m going to peel, a fuckton of potatoes and make the best Potato Latkes that have ever existed. I drove home after the grocery store and took the rest of my anger out on cleaning out our refrigerator and getting all the laundry done. I find myself, washing the blankets and sheets in your room, just to do so. Sometimes I secretly think if I wash them enough times, you will come back. Or sometimes I don’t want you to feel left out, so I wash your clothes too. Your little socks are still in my purse. I take them everywhere.

I went on a run tonight to clear my head. I wore my new favorite running shirt which simply says, “Fuck Cancer.” It makes me run faster. I guess I’m still sick because 5 minutes into my run, I started coughing and my chest was burning so badly that it felt like it was on fire. I told myself to suck it up even though all I wanted to do was turn back home and crawl into bed. I didn’t though. I ran so hard/fast for 5 miles that I ended up throwing up on the side of the road. I heard the little voice in my head telling me not to stop, because how was I going to Fuck Cancer if I gave in so easily to the pain of my run, due to being sick. Being sick is for the weak. You were never weak which means I have no right to be either, baby. I sucked it up today for you. I finished my run, came home and took Liam on a date. We went to dinner, where another little thing happened. There was this girl there, playing acoustic guitar and singing. She’s really good, I said to that Liam brother of yours. He agreed. I heard her say, “The next few songs are going to be covers of Taylor Swift.” No freaking way, I thought. Who is this little child prodigy who just made my Ronight? Liam and I listened to her. I held his hand. We both smiled. It was if you were there with us, on our little date. I need this girl, to play at one of our events. She’s awesome. After we paid the bill, I gave Liam some money, a bunch of RoCards, and about 6 bracelets. I told them to put them all in her tip jar. He was so excited to do so. I hope she looks at your little face, looks up this website and something Romazing comes out of this. I think she was worthy of you tonight. Her voice, guitar playing and choice of songs told me this. Liam agreed. After our dinner date, I took your smarty pants brother to the bookstore. My other heaven in life. The book store. I could spend hours in them and so could he. His love for reading has taken off like wildfire! I am so excited about this as I was always such a bookworm. Reading used to be one of my favorite things to do in life. I miss it. Maybe it’s time I start taking it up again. I kind of feel like I could be ready. We shall see. It’s the lack of concentration that seems to be killing me. That and my non-existent memory… the one that I can’t find. Has anybody seen it? I would really like it back…. it’s starting to become a problem. You know it’s a problem when your daddy comes home from work, looks at me and says, “What did you do today?” My reply is always, ” I can’t remember.” And I literally never can. Then I get frustrated, start to cry, and wonder if my brain will ever be the same again. At this point, I’m thinking no.

Much more to write about little monkey man but your brother, Quinny, is looking extra snuggly. I’m going to curl up with him for the night. I’m sorry I can’t curl up to you. It breaks my heart every night. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Please, please be safe. Sweet dreams little man. ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUSOOOOOOMUCH.

xoxo

Like a Little Million Stars Spelling out your Name

Ronan. Just when I think I have a handle on something…. like my sleep, turns out I’ve spoken too soon. This sleep thing, for the past week has been awful again. I can’t unwind, when I do, I toss and turn, or just can’t fall asleep. Tonight was awful. My body is so tired that literally, everything hurts. I swear even the strands of my hair. Your Daddy was trying to get me to unwind, but I was hurting so badly, I couldn’t lay still. I sat in bed with him and just cried while he did his best to comfort me. What did I do? I pulled away and said things like he promised me he wouldn’t let you die, that everything hurts too much, that Romeo died with Juliet so why couldn’t I die with you? I am pretty sure my pain, of losing you, is way worse than their’s was. I got up, rambling something about needing to break a window. Your Daddy followed me and grabbed me to because I think he really thought I was going to. It started to storm out really hard. Quinn ended up in our bed with us, sobbing like a little puppy dog because he said he misses you. I just held him and cried too. It was all I could do. Your daddy was the one doing the talking. He told Quinn things like he bets the storm was your way of telling us, not to be so sad. I think it was your way of telling us, that you are so sad too, because you miss us so much. My head is spinning thinking of the ways we all miss each other now. Of how we were never supposed to be apart.

My body is now so tired that it just won’t sleep. I’m past the point of tired. Can somebody just shoot me in the head? Oye….. started that last night, Ro. Guess I was not in such a good place. But when am I? That’s why nights like tonight, are necessary. For as much as I want to hide and avoid people, it’s nights like tonight that show me that I cannot. Because I am capable of having a slightly good time. Good time may be pushing it, but Ro, it felt better than my nights have felt in a long time. I’ve been really good at not doing anything with ANY of my girlfriends. No more movie dates, dinners out, etc.. Nothing. Not a thing. Well, I threw a little something together, last-minute to try to break up this rut I’m in. I saw that there was a Roller Derby tournament going on tonight. You know me and my big mouth. I have blabbed about this Roller Derby thing since before you were sick. I have had your Papa Jim all psyched up about it, saying he’d fly all the way here, to watch etc, for two years now. I acted all tough and badass and told him I was going to try out. I had your Nana all worried, because she thought I was serious. I had a plan, and I was mostly kidding, but I continued on talking about it because I just couldn’t let it go. And your Papa Jim and I loved seeing your Nana all riled up; upset that her little girl, could possibly get hurt doing something so crazy like Roller Derby. Then you got sick. And all the jokes stopped. And all the teasing stopped. Nothing was funny anymore. Life became……so serious. So much more serious than I ever though was possible.

When I started looking into the Roller Derby thing again, I thought to myself, this could actually be really good for me. I really think this is something I could check out. What a great way to get some of this aggression out. So, I decided to grab a couple of girlfriends, to go and watch. A night out? Yes. It’s time. A night out with just a couple of girls, is way overdue. So, I asked my new friend, Mandy Bee to go with me. She’s from Canada, Eh, and we seem to have some sort of connection. Oh yes… this little Mandy Bee. The one who drops bags full of candy off for me as well as kick ass leg warmers. The one who stalked me and I liked her from the second I laid eyes on her. The one who cusses like a sailor and has a dark side which sings to my soul. This new little Mandy Bee of mine feels like someone who I have known in a past life or something. I like this girl. A lot. I asked her to come with me. She was game, right away. I also asked my dear friend, Melissa to come as well. My dear Melissa whom I never get to spend time with, but she is someone I always want to be around. She makes me feel safe. And sad. And happy. And it feels good to be safely sadly happy, around her. Because she knows. She sat with us so many days at the clinic. You used to laugh when her cell phone would ring and chirp like a bird. She loves you. She misses you. She’s never gone away. She hadn’t met Mandy yet. I thought the 3 of us, together, would make a good team. I was right. Melissa picked us up at our house. We hung out for a few minutes and then we headed out to the West Side of the Valley. The chatter was easy in the car. Honest and true. Just the way I like it. A little dark too. We got to the Roller Derby Rink. Lots of tough looking girls skating around everywhere. We found some seats and got up to talk to some of the Roller Derby girls in the booth behind us. We threw lots of questions their way. Turns out, every Wednesday, you can come and get familiar with what exactly goes into this Roller Derby thing. Turns out, every Wednesday, they have try-outs. Radness. Mandy and I locked eyes. Sign us up, please. Melissa laughed and said she would come and watch. I told Mandy, after this Fashion Show awesomeness, you will find me on the rink. We shall see. What have I got to lose, Ro? NOTHING. What have I got to lose, if I don’t try this out? Regret. Regret is an awful thing to be chained down to in life. I won’t do it. I want to try this, so I think I will. Go Big or Go Fucking Home.

After we watched the match, which is totally confusing by the way. They really have a strategy down, those girls. It’s not just girls in badass outfits, skating around, pushing and tripping each other. There is a reason behind the madness. I wonder if those girls, have a reason behind their madness, like me. I’ll bet not. I’ll bet nobody’s reason behind their madness is because their almost 4-year-old, died of cancer. I have a feeling, I’ll be solo on this mission. It’s o.k. I like being the lone wolf. I always have. I work best this way. So, Ro. After the match we headed out and decided to grab some dinner. We stopped at St. Francis to grab some food. I was wearing my purple F U Cancer sweatshirt and as we made our way through the restaurant to sit outside, so we didn’t have to wait an hour and a half to be seated….. a lady at a table yelled at me that she liked my sweatshirt. I told her thanks and she asked where I got it. I told her my friend had made it for me. She then told me that her sister had just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and that she would love my sweatshirt. I told her then she had to have my bracelet and I took my Fuck You Cancer bracelet off of my arm for her. She read it and looked up at me, smiling. I knew I was going to have to tell her, about you. So I pulled out one of my little cards, with your picture on it. I started to explain your story. Then man next to her, interrupted me. “What was your son’s name?” He asked. I simply said, “Ronan.” His eyes welled up with tears and he stood up. “Oh my goodness. I am (crap I cannot remember his name) the Chaplin over at The Ryan House. I have prayed for your family, since I heard about Ronan. I’ve read your blog. FUCK YOU CANCER!” He grabbed me for a big hug. “I’m so sorry about Ronan.” My heart sank. But my heart, also fluttered too. The Chaplin of the Ryan House, just said, “Fuck You Cancer!” It totally made me laugh. We stood and talked for a few more minutes. The girls and I then went to sit outside to enjoy some beers and food. YUM. Beer, Food (I ate!) and new and old friends. It felt good just to be sitting outside, on a crisp night, with this new friend of mine and this old friend of mine. And to watch the way the 2 of them, got along. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE, Ro. You know how I love to watch relationships form. It’s like a science experiment to me. The 3 of us, mesh well together. The night ended around 10:30. Your little stalker brother, Quinny, was getting worried. That’s the new nickname, I’ve given him. I was supposed to be home (or I told him I’d be home around 9:30) When the clock turned 9:31, I looked down at my phone and had 8 missed calls from him.(or so we figured out after about 15 minutes of us girls freaking out that 8 missed calls had come from some creepy unknown phone number( our house phone which I don’t even know the number to because we don’t use it) Turns out, it was Quinny, wanting to know where I was. I told him I would be home soon. I then gave him the nickname, Little Stalker. I thought that was pretty PG rated of me. It could have been Little Fucker. The girls and I laughed about the phone thing, forever. It felt nice.

Ro baby. Started all of this a couple of days ago. It’s Sunday Funday now. Or Sunday I Fucking Hate you day. Except today, wasn’t a bad day. I was gone all day, helping out with Fashion Show things. It’s this week! Can you believe that, little man? All because of you. Bittersweet to say the least. But we are doing everything, just the way you would have liked it. Just the way, you would have rocked it. If only you were here, to enjoy it. I so thought you would still be here. Remember how I thought we would still be going back and forth between New York and here? How I was so ready, to pack up my life, to live with you in New York? How I wasn’t scared because I knew the two of us would be together so that was all that mattered. How New York, quickly felt like our second home. As if we had lived there together, in a former life. Remember how we used to spend the days, roaming the streets, not caring that you had cancer because we knew New York was going to heal you? It was going to save you. How the fuck were we so wrong?? How did that not happen, baby? I’m so sorry, Ro. You know I would give anything to change this. I miss you so much. My whole heart feel like it is missing, without you. But I’m still here, fighting for you. Because as I told Michael Dee, Sarah Love and Heather while they sat in my kitchen last week…. what choice do I have? You, Ronan Sean Thompson came into this world, kicking, screaming and crying. I had to watch you leave this world, silently. Not being able to do any of those things because cancer robbed you of that. So now I am fucking left here; and it is my job to kick, scream and cry for you until the world starts to listen. Until this little army of mine, turns into a REALLY FUCKING BIG ARMY and Childhood Cancer starts to get the attention it deserves. Because I refuse to just sit back and watch as these poor innocent children are fucking MURDERED before our very eyes but nobody cares. Because it’s not their child, right Ro? It may not be their child but what if it is someday?? Or what if it ends up being their grandchild or cousin or niece or nephew or Godchild? What assholes, will all these people who have chosen to IGNORE Childhood Cancer, feel like? Fucking Douchebag Assholes, I’m sure. Guess what Ro? I know a whole bunch of people who did not even know you, who DO NOT want to be Douchebag Assholes. They want to help. They want to be a part of something because they know this is something REAL. In a world full of SO many FAKE PLASTIC TREES. The Fake Plastic Trees in life will only get you so far, right Ro. The Fake Plastic Trees will leave you with an icky taste in your mouth that will never go away. No matter how often you CHOOSE to look away. Because guess what Douchebag Asshole People???? Now that you’ve read these words….. It’s a CHOICE now. You CHOOSE. I hope you can sleep well at night. With his big, blue eyes, piercing into your soul. Because they are that life changing. And trust me. I now know a lot more about life, than I ever hoped to. And I had to learn the hardest way possible. As of now, you DO not. So fucking do something. Or do not take his gift. Go on. Carry about your days until you Louis Vuitton luggage, becomes too heavy and your Xanex becomes to weak to numb your pain. Are you still going to look the other way????? That makes me sad. I’m so, so very sorry. Ronan deserved to be here. Do you?????????? If so, make it worthwhile. Because to be any other way, is just not enough. And I know deep down, we all want to be more than enough.

Um, Hi, Ro. Are you still there?? I’m sorry baby. I think my post got hijacked by Inca tonight. Apparently, I had a lot to say. I’m not even sure what just went on up there. Oh well. Fuck it. Most of the time when I write to you, I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience. I feel like I get so lost in my writing that I am watching from above, while I’m really off somewhere else, playing with you. I love this time, so much. I’m sorry it has to be this way for now. I am trying so very hard to do this. To make you proud of me. You push me and you give me strength. You are a gift to me every second of my life. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little one.

xoxo

This is now on the John Lennon Wall in Prague thanks to the raddest girl who has ever lived in NYC. Miss Rachel Goldman. Thanks Dolly. You made my day with this.

xoxo