Quinn and your shadow



Ronan. I really tried to have a good day for you, but everything seemed to hit me so hard today. Your brothers slept in late and so did I. I tried to dream about you, but instead I had mostly dreams of nothing of importance. I woke up sad from not being able to see you in my dreams. It is something I hope for every night. I tried to get the day off to a good start. I kept getting emails about the event that was being held at The Biltmore for your Foundation and each one continued to put a smile on my face. I thought today was going to be another o.k. day without you. It was not. It all started with opening my wallet and there was your little social security card. Ouch. I then looked inside my purse for something and found your little I.D. band from the hospital that you used to refuse to wear, so we would break the rules and I would attach it to your pole or onto my wrist instead. You used to throw such a fit about wearing it. The straw that broke the camels back was I was trying to get your brothers ready for the beach and Liam, as always, was giving me a hard time about letting me put on his sunscreen. I was chasing him around to get it on him and I finally just looked at him and said to him angrily, “You need to think about how you are acting, your brother would give anything to be wearing sunscreen right now.” He looked back at me and said, “Who, Quinn?” I then looked back at him and said, “No, Ronan.” I was filled with such anger and sadness that I just started crying right then and there. Right in front of your brothers, and I am supposed to be the mom who is holding all of us together. At that moment, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I broke down right in front of them and there was no stopping it. I sobbed and they both just sat and watched me. Quinn came over to hug me, and Liam just kind of went off into the other room. I quickly packed up our beach things and threw on my big sunglasses so they could not see that I was still a wreck. I took them down to the pool and to let them be distracted by their cousins whom they spent the next few hours with playing in the pool and at the beach. I went down to the beach with them and sat on my towel and just watched them play while I cried and cried and cried. I called your Nana because I have not spoken to her in weeks. I couldn’t really talk to her so instead I let her listen to me cry. She cried with me and we said as much as we both could, which ended up being not a lot. It was good just to have her be on the other end of the phone with me though. I just needed her to be there so I could cry to her. After I got off of the phone with your Nana, I joined the boys in the ocean. At one point, I was playing with Quinn in the sand. He was standing up and there was a little shadow next to him. He said it looked like it was a little mini version of you. We pretended it was you, and he reached down to hold your hand. I took some pictures of it, because it really did look like a little you. We sat and played with the little shadow for about 10 minutes. It was something so simple and sweet but it made us both smile and laugh. These days, we will take any little sign of you that we can get.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. We spent the evening with Kenny and Stacy and their kids. We went to dinner and had a good time. They both make me so happy and I love them like family. We are so lucky to have them as friends. I then got a text message from our cousin, Tiffany who said to meet them at the beach as they wanted to do something special for you tonight. We met them down there at 8:30 and all of the kids ended up lighting off sparklers and running around for you. It was so beyond when sweet. Bittersweet. I sat back and watched all of your cousins running around so happy and carefree. I wanted you there so badly. I could have sworn I heard you laughing in the background.

All though the night I kept getting text messages about the event at The Biltmore. Everyone said it turned out so beautifully. I almost have don’t even have words for how many people came together for this in such a short amount of time. The love that surrounds us is almost as beautiful as you, Ronan. These people, most of them whom we don’t even know, have come together because of you. That is what an impact you have had on their lives and I know you will continue to do so. All while holding my hand while I let your little soul guide me. We will make a difference, together. Thank you again, to everyone who worked so hard to support my sweet baby boy tonight. Your love means everything to us. Someday, when I am feeling a little stronger, I will be able to be a bigger part of this and turn it into something huge. As I’ve said before, this is just the beginning. Childhood Cancer has know become my passion in life and I am going to work so hard to raise awareness and make a difference. Ronan deserves this as do all of the other children who are fighting this in the world. They need a voice and I have no doubt this is now my calling in life.

Off to try to sleep now as it’s been a very long day. I can’t wait to hear all about the event tomorrow. Thank you all again. Thank you for allowing Ronan to be your brightest star in the sky. I love you all.

Sweet dreams my little man. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. G’night Ro.




13 responses to “Quinn and your shadow”

  1. We never met and I never met Ronan I spoke to you before Christmas about using my Jet to go to NYC after you BEAUTIFUL little Boys story on the AZ News. When you get back to AZ and decide what you are going to do with the foundation and your goals for its future I would love to see how I can help you.. I have not read your Blog till today since you were in NYC then when you came back to PCH
    I was HEARTBROKEN today when I found Ronan passed. Your FIGHT and Ronan’s is a INSPERATION and if there is anything I can do to help you make a impact with your Mission please let me know..

    Warmest Regards,
    Daren M. Lasky
    Scottsdale Arizona

  2. Maya, I was there. It turned out beautiful for beautiful rockstar Ro! There was over 400 people. It wasan honor to bid and donate in honor of Ronan. Thank you for sharing Rockstar Ronan with all of us! I can’t wait to participate in any other events in Ronans name. Sweet dreams and hope Ro comes in your dreams. All those signs today (his ss card his ID tag) that’s Ro saying “I’m here mama”. Peace and strength! Xx

  3. The shadow story is so sweet, made me tear up. Most of your posts do. The love you have is incredible. I’ve been thinking about you, Ronan and your family a lot lately. You have really touched my heart and truely opened up my eyes about childhood cancer. Thank you again for being so open, raw, and honest.Oh- and also you look beautiful in that picture!

  4. Maya –
    Please don’t beat yourself up about breaking down in front of your boys. You are such a strong mother and you are doing such an amazing job of holding your family together in the middle of such a devastating time. You and your husband have done a wonderful job raising your sons – and I bet even now they are stronger than you think. Your family are so amazing and so brave – I am sure Ronan is watching and is so proud of you all.

  5. A song to you, hugs to you.

  6. Continuing to pray for you. I feel so heartbroken for you. I love the little shadow story 🙂 That’s wonderful that the event went so well last night! Everyone has been so touched and moved by Ronan. I know I have. I think about his little spirit all the time. I’ve shared his story with many others. God bless the ones that put that event together. I wish I could give you a big hug and erase all your pain. Keeping you close in prayer Maya, daily! God bless…

  7. Another beautiful message from Ronan. What a beautiful little shadow, and that just tells me he is with you all of the time. Maya, you cry as much as you need. You are doing such an amazing job with all of this, I wish, like many others, I could take away your pain. I love the picture of you and the boys. They are so adorable, and you can see the bond in your family.

    We will forever donate to the Ronan Thompson foundation, it may not be as much as others, but every little bit helps. You have an army behind you, believing in you. I hope and pray no other child, or family, have to go through what you did.

    I hope today is better for you, the suns out here in San Diego, enjoy your boys and those close to you.

    Lots of love,
    Sara M.

  8. Sheryl Mobley Avatar
    Sheryl Mobley

    Whenever I read one of your blogs, there always seems to be a fitting song that comes on that makes me want to cry. Today it was this one. http://www.myspace.com/colbiecaillat/music/songs/i-never-told-you-58275075?ap=1 I bet Liam and Quinn think you’re an amazing mom… whether you stay strong, whether you break down, as long as you’re honest with them and honest with yourself… They know you love them and that you’re doing the best you can. They may not realize it right now, but when they’re 30, they’ll look back and remember how you held your head high when you needed to and you showed what was truly in your heart.

  9. Maya, you must have felt awful when you said that about the sunscreen, and your twins would have felt really sad for you and for themselves. You’re at the end of your tether and boys being boys can be difficult in the best of times, never mind in times like these. Don’t feel guilty about that because – again, boys being boys, they will soon move on from the episode. You are doing an amazing job. I can’t imagine how tough this all is without Woody by your side.

    You have the strength, passion, great writing ability and beauty to do world-changing things and I know you will. You also have us. It’s a killer combination and the target in sight is childhood cancer. I wouldn’t like to be in its shoes!

    Try to get a hug from Woody soon!

  10. Thinking of your entire family and keeping you all in our prayers. I hope this day is full of sunshine and great memories. Know that you are truly loved by so many.

  11. Anandadasi Nicole Billa Avatar
    Anandadasi Nicole Billa

    You aren’t crying alone. I wish I could take some of your pain away.

  12. Emly Innocenti Avatar
    Emly Innocenti

    I think Glenda is right; all of those things that happened are signs that Ronan is right there with you. I got chills when I read about the SS card and the hospital bracelet and even more so about the shadow. Even Liam acting out; I think that was Ronan’s little spirit living in him as he will always be with you all forever and ever and he will show you that in little glimpses throughout each day. I know it’s not the same as having him by your side in the flesh, but embrace all of those little signs. He will forever be “stuck like glue” to you….which reminds me, have you ever heard the old Elvis song “Stuck on You”? It reminds me of your bond with Ro. Completely unrelated, I had a dream last night that I was on vacation or something somewhere and at dusk my husband and I were walking through this town and everywhere I looked there were people with gobs and gobs of purple balloons and letting them into the sky. At first, I was really confused at what everyone was doing and why and then I got it. They were sending them up to Ronan. Totally random people in some random town were thinking of and loving and honoring him. In reality, it’s not really a dream, it’s what’s happening. The balloons were just a metaphor for all of the love, thoughts, and prayers that people all over the country and the world are sending to you and your little one. I’m so glad that you have shared Ronan’s story with the world and that you’ve been able to see the love and support of completely “random” people.

  13. What an amazing photo! I stared at it forever. Beautiful. Cry when you need to, Maya.

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