Ro baby. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams last night. It was so unexpected as I was beginning to think it was never going to happen. You were at home, with us, where you belong. You were bald, but running about just as you always did. You were happy. I watched you and started to cry out to your daddy that I didn’t understand how you were so sick, and you were going to die, because you looked and acted so healthy. I knew your fate in my dream. I knew that you were going to be taken away from us, in the end.
I’m sorry. I miss you so very much. Thank you for my gift of being able to see you in my dreams. I love you and hope you are safe.
Ronan. Hi baby doll. I miss you. I fell asleep last night thinking of you and I didn’t even take my Ambien. I was so exhausted from crying, that I pretty much passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. I was hoping to dream about you and I did in a way. The dreams I have now, that I remember, are pretty much the same theme; just with different people involved. It’s always me talking about how you died and the people in my dream are always comforting me. I have yet to see you….. it’s always me talking about you. Last night, I had a dream I was at Dr. Campbell’s House and we were talking about you and your death. Everything in her house was white and there were animals everywhere and I remember she had really funky art everywhere. It was a very vivid dream and I remember every detail. The only thing missing in it was getting to see you. Maybe tonight you will visit me. I woke up feeling extremely hung over. I am sure this had to do with the 6 hours I spent crying over you pretty much non-stop last night. It was a release I very much needed. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, but I had too much to do, so I didn’t have a choice. The day went by pretty fast and I stopped by our house once to pick some things up. I went in, said hi to you, and gave you a kiss. I then returned back to the hotel where I am staying and was able to relax a little before my silly night out.
I did something tonight for the first time in a very long time. I had fun. And I didn’t feel guilty about it. I went over to Auntie Karen’s house and picked up our love, Liz, to go and do something very special to us. Something that will always be our sisterly connection and bond. Something that is a tradition to us. We went to the Britney Spears concert. We talked about you the entire ride out there. She still can’t wrap her 21-year-old mind around you being gone. I told her I know because I feel the same way. We both talked about how it feels like you weren’t even real. You were just too beautiful, too powerful, too strong, too wise, and we both said how you were unlike anyone that we had ever known on this earth. It felt good to talk to Liz about you and to listen to her talk about you to me. She loves you so much and you were crazy about her.
Once we arrived to the Jobbing Arena, we sat in the car for a while and watched all the people in their crazy outfits walk by. It was such entertainment and I finally found myself relaxing. I had mixed feelings about going tonight, but I am so glad I did. Dancing my butt off to Britney Spears’ “I’m a slave for you,” while Liz’s arm was intertwined with mine, is exactly what the doctor ordered. We danced, laughed, talked, sang, and it all felt good. I needed this tonight to remind myself that I am still alive. I’m not dead like I have felt for the longest time. Feeling alive for those 3 hours that we were there was so therapeutic. I told Liz how much you used to love Britney and how we used to dance to all of her songs together when we were doing chores around the house. She loved hearing that. After the concert was over, a huge thing of sparkly confetti was shot off into the air. It was all purple and Liz and I were covered in it and hysterical with laughter. We squeezed each other when we saw what color it was. Your favorite color, Ro. All for you:)
I’m going to get some sleep now as it is late. Thank you for showing me that it is o.k. to be happy even though I am so sad. Thank you for showing me that happiness will exist in my life once again. I can feel you pushing me with little signs here and there to make me smile. To make me feel something other than pain. I know you don’t want me hurting for the rest of my life, 24 hours a day. Thank you for the break tonight from this pain. I love you to the moon and back, baby. Sweet dreams. I hope you are safe.
Hoping for a quiet weekend, at home with a whole lot of nothing going on. As of now, our plan is that Woody and I will be flying out to Philidelphia on Tuesday with Ronan. We will meet with Dr. Mosse at Chop and we are talking about making the drive to New York to meet with Dr. Kusher once again. We are going into Chop with an open mind and are hoping they can give us some answers as to why we should choose them with the life of our son. I have no doubt they are qualified, but as I have said in the past, there is something about Dr. Kushner that I trust wholeheartedly. I feel the same way about him that I feel about Dr. Adams. Complete trust and as if they are the best at what they do. Maybe I will get this feeling from Dr. Mosse as well. It is worth a shot and it is an option we have to explore. Ronan seems to still be feeling well and his ANC counts were 1600 today which is great news. Hopefully they will continue to stay this high so flying next week won’t be a problem. We will go to the clinic on Monday to have his levels checked again and I am pretty sure they will end up giving him a transfusion of blood for the trip. Praying that he stays well so we can get him out to Philly and New York and find the answers we are looking for.
I am so tired tonight. Ronan is asleep next to me and I am not going to have any trouble curling up beside him and falling asleep. I have been sleeping better lately, but still having my very real dreams. It is so funny how my dreams and reality are pretty much the same now. My dreams at night are all about what we are going through and the choices we are going to have to make. I’ve said before, I never get a break from what we are going through…. not even in my sleep. Maybe that is why I’m so exhausted during the day. No matter how hard I try, I cannot escape even for a second what we are up against. I’m o.k. with this…. it just means I know my entire body, spirit and mind are fighting 24 hours a day for Ronan. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am his mama bear, I will fight for the rest of my life for him.
That is all for tonight. Hope you all have a beautiful weekend. G’night to all of my loves out there; you know who you are. I love you all so much.