Ronan. Hi baby doll. I miss you. I fell asleep last night thinking of you and I didn’t even take my Ambien. I was so exhausted from crying, that I pretty much passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. I was hoping to dream about you and I did in a way. The dreams I have now, that I remember, are pretty much the same theme; just with different people involved. It’s always me talking about how you died and the people in my dream are always comforting me. I have yet to see you….. it’s always me talking about you. Last night, I had a dream I was at Dr. Campbell’s House and we were talking about you and your death. Everything in her house was white and there were animals everywhere and I remember she had really funky art everywhere. It was a very vivid dream and I remember every detail. The only thing missing in it was getting to see you. Maybe tonight you will visit me. I woke up feeling extremely hung over. I am sure this had to do with the 6 hours I spent crying over you pretty much non-stop last night. It was a release I very much needed. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, but I had too much to do, so I didn’t have a choice. The day went by pretty fast and I stopped by our house once to pick some things up. I went in, said hi to you, and gave you a kiss. I then returned back to the hotel where I am staying and was able to relax a little before my silly night out.
I did something tonight for the first time in a very long time. I had fun. And I didn’t feel guilty about it. I went over to Auntie Karen’s house and picked up our love, Liz, to go and do something very special to us. Something that will always be our sisterly connection and bond. Something that is a tradition to us. We went to the Britney Spears concert. We talked about you the entire ride out there. She still can’t wrap her 21-year-old mind around you being gone. I told her I know because I feel the same way. We both talked about how it feels like you weren’t even real. You were just too beautiful, too powerful, too strong, too wise, and we both said how you were unlike anyone that we had ever known on this earth. It felt good to talk to Liz about you and to listen to her talk about you to me. She loves you so much and you were crazy about her.
Once we arrived to the Jobbing Arena, we sat in the car for a while and watched all the people in their crazy outfits walk by. It was such entertainment and I finally found myself relaxing. I had mixed feelings about going tonight, but I am so glad I did. Dancing my butt off to Britney Spears’ “I’m a slave for you,” while Liz’s arm was intertwined with mine, is exactly what the doctor ordered. We danced, laughed, talked, sang, and it all felt good. I needed this tonight to remind myself that I am still alive. I’m not dead like I have felt for the longest time. Feeling alive for those 3 hours that we were there was so therapeutic. I told Liz how much you used to love Britney and how we used to dance to all of her songs together when we were doing chores around the house. She loved hearing that. After the concert was over, a huge thing of sparkly confetti was shot off into the air. It was all purple and Liz and I were covered in it and hysterical with laughter. We squeezed each other when we saw what color it was. Your favorite color, Ro. All for you:)
I’m going to get some sleep now as it is late. Thank you for showing me that it is o.k. to be happy even though I am so sad. Thank you for showing me that happiness will exist in my life once again. I can feel you pushing me with little signs here and there to make me smile. To make me feel something other than pain. I know you don’t want me hurting for the rest of my life, 24 hours a day. Thank you for the break tonight from this pain. I love you to the moon and back, baby. Sweet dreams. I hope you are safe.
24 thoughts on “Therapy in the form of Britney Spears”
Maya – I wake up every morning around 430 EST, about the same time you are probably going to bed your time, and I read your post…they always make a lump form in my throat as I fight off the tears that inevitably fall down my face despite my best efforts. This morning, however, I made no attempt to stop them as they were happy tears…happy tears for your strength, your love, and your neverending resolve. I cry happy tears for your emotional and mental breakthrough that you seemed to have gone through. I am sure I speak for many when I say we read your blog everyday and pray for, worry about, hope for, and think about you always and I hope out positivie ju-ju is reaching across the miles like a warm hug from a loving friend. I know this doesn’t mean that every day is gonna be a bed of roses, but it is so comforting to hear that you were able to step outside yourself and away from the sadness, if only for a little while. Baby steps, Maya, baby steps. You are incredible, and Ro is there every step of the way to help. Wishing you many many more days like yesterday!
PS – On Sunday my family and I went to Busch Gardens and took a detour home and stopped for ice cream at a place called “Hummingbird Ice Cream”…I thought of Ro and you and smiled the rest of the way home xoxo
I’m so happy you had a good time last night. You deserve it mamma. 🙂
I have said before how amazing Ronan’e eyes are, but I don’t think that I have ever told you that your eyes are just as beautiful. WOW! I am so happy that there are some moments right now where the darkness opens up and the light is able to shine through for you. Even if it is for only a moment. Take each day one step at a time. If I could wrap my arms around you and give you a hug I would…so please know that I am thinking about you and your family and sending all of my light and love your way.
Maya it brought tears to my eyes that you able to have a break from your sadness last night! And what better way to do it then with a Britney Spears concert, who would have thought that is just what the doctor ordered?! You are always thinking of Ronan in the things that you do, I can picture the two of you dancing around the house and it makes me smile and cry all at the same time. I’m glad you were able to come home for a few days and have it out with your saddness and grief… I’m sure it was much needed. My heart goes out to you today and every day, have a safe trip back to CA.
Glad you had a good evening. Therapy comes in so many ways. I hope you have a good night sleep and got a visit from Ronan. Happy that Liz is there and you are not all alone. Our thoughts and prayer are with your entire family.
Maya – So happy to read this post!!! You look amazing and I know your Ro was smiling so big for you!! And then to have all the purple confetti bursting all around was probably the most perfect way for Ronan to say “Mom, I love you!”.
Keep posting my girl!!
BIG HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!
What better way to get therapy than from Miss Brit herself. I cried happy tears for you today just like Liz in the East Coast said. I’m glad you were able to get out of your hotel and enjoy yourself for a couple hours. You needed it after a day like yesterday. XOXOXO
yay maya!!!! SO happy you had 3 hours of pain free, guilt free, tear free FUN with people who are special to you and of course ms. britney spears herself!!!! and the purple confetti…just another little sign from your guardian angel, ronan. he is with you all the time maya. he knows how sad you are and how difficult being with out him has been on you and the family. i’m sure he has saddness in his heart to that he can be with his mama, his best friend in the whole world. and i really think that’s why he is sending you these little signs a long the way while you are slowly healing. i think ro will continue sending you these sign for the rest of your life. i know that pales in comparrison to having him here, alive but isn’t it wonderful and a little comforting that ro is right there. holding your hand, walking side by side with you, and looking after you. makes me cry with happiness knowing he is doing that for you.
so glad you got this time for yourself. you needed it! and don’t ever feel selfish for taking this time for yourself to grieve and just be by yourself. i hope you know in your heart that you are doing the very best you can do with the cards you’ve been given right now. can’t wait to here about the first time you and ro reunite in your dreams. xoxo
Tears of happiness for you and big smiles. Love that you had a great night with Brit Brit and you were able to enjoy yourself!!
It doesn’t matter how old or how young we all are …. we love us some Britney Spears! She’s food for the soul. Glad you were able to feel again!
So happy that you were able to have fun…singing and dancing. What better therapy than that?! The purple confetti… that was Ronan saying “it’s okay mama, enjoy yourself because I’m right here besides you”
Ahhh… purple…my mom’s fav color too 😦
You look amazing… and your eyes are beautiful too. 🙂
Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!!!
I am just reader, I don’t know you personally, but I feel like I do from reading your blog. I am SOOOO very glad you had a genuine good time. You deserve it, I am sure it made Ronan very happy to see you have some fun. I agree with Brandie, he totally got his incredible eyes from you. Amazing. I hope you have a lot more moments like this. Sending you lots of love and strength from New Mexico.
I am so glad you had a fun night out without guilt. That is a huge step. How did Miss Spears do? I would love to see her in concert. My son used to run around the house singing Womanizer. Cracked me up. I am so glad you see life is also full of fun and laughter and not just pain and anger. I know you have heard this a million times but you really are a beautiful woman. I can see where the twins and Ronan get their good looks. You have a good looking family. And you have the kind hearts to match.
I am so glad you had the opportunity to grieve on your own. It’s so helpful when you don’t have so many people watching you.
Thank you for sharing your night with everyone. I like the picture. Very pretty.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to take your pain away right know, but the love on this blog might be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. Let it give you strength and I promise you Ronan is with angels in heaven, and you will see him again, but not yet. I know you will be an awesome mom to your two other boys, take strength from their love too. Let your husband take care of you when he offers and he will give you strength as well. There is much comfort in prayer for me when times are hard so that is another outlet that I would recommend. You are an amazingly strong, confident, and beautiful woman! I will pray for you and your family. There is a qoute that I like and even though it might be a little strong it helps me stay strong at times ” I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself. ” D H Lawrence . Sending you lots of love!
Maya, your strength continues to amaze me. I believe that there is a beautiful blue eyed sweet baby out there, holding up his mama! Thank-you for continuing to share your love story. Love and hugs from Canada.
I love Brittney, too! 🙂 So glad you were able to have a little fun and happiness last night! That’s great! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!
I am soooooo thrilled you got a break and laughed and danced and had fun!!! I hope today was a good day for you too. I hope Ronan visits you tonight in your dreams tonight!!
I bet Ronan just loved to see you smile!
Very well said!! I totally agree!
I have never posted and didn’t know about Ronan before he had moved on- but for me, as I know he is for you, he is very much still here. He is here in the moments that I want to pull my hair out from the frustration I feel when I don’t know what direction my children need me to take them in. He is here when I come to a crossroads about work life balance and taking on more “job responsibilities” that will take me away from home. He is here when I need my faith supported that there is something beyond this life that is bigger and working in ways we don’t understand.
Maya- I was at Britney Spears last night and my girlfriend and I began to share you story about Ronan with someone during the 45 minutes we waited for her to come on. Everywhere you go Maya, people will be surrounding you with more and more Ronan energy to carry you through in a capacity I don’t know if you truly know yet. It’s just a matter of time until that random person that you run into that compliments your shoes will also be the one who knows that you just lost your son- and you will feel their love for you.
You have changed me forever and I love the person I have become, as I try to be more like you. Loving, deep, fearless, and raw. I am just sorry that getting to know you had such a high cost.
You are always in my prayers- and now I truly pray more than ever before.
This made my day! Knowing that you felt happy and danced and laughed for 3 hrs! 🙂 I pray for more times like this for you, little by little. ❤
I love Britney! So happy that you had a fun night out, what a beautiful photo of you and your friend. Thinking of you…………..
Maya, I think your blog should be so widely publicised so that other people who lose children can see there is hope. You have been thrown into hell and some of your writing is so dark and desperate that we have really worried about you but really, this is your grieving process and it’s so damn honest and raw. Yet, there is some light shining through for hope and happiness. You will get there and it will be with Ronan’s help and with his blessing. You are a real inspiration Maya and you deserve to have happiness returned to you.