Another great event in the Pacific Northwest. It was a huge success last year, please help them make it even better this year!
Ronan. I haven’t cried much while being here at Nana and Papa’s. This distresses me. It makes me scared that this pain is becoming less and less and I don’t want it to be. This pain keeps me connected to you. This pain motivates me. This pain, has become my friend and I don’t want my friend to go away. It makes me think that somehow, I am starting to forget pieces of you and that scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to forget any part of you. I don’t want you to ever become a distant memory of what my life was like, a long time ago when you were here.
I miss so everything about you. I miss kissing your sweet little lips. I miss bathing your little body. I miss dressing you up like the little old British man that you loved to be. I miss tucking you in and having you wake me up in the mornings. I miss hearing you tell me, “You’re so cute!” or “You’re my best friend, mama. I love you so much.” I miss our whispers about life. I can’t believe you just closed your eyes to go to sleep and never wake up again.
I’m still here. Doing all these weird, normal things in life, without you. The teaching your brothers all the things I would have taught you. The giving your Poppy sister the million kisses that you would have given her. The watching of certain people in our lives who are literally just throwing it away, and pissing all over it.
All while I sit back and just stare with my mouth gaping open. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “What is wrong with you, you ungrateful people of the world?! Don’t you remember that little boy? That beautiful little boy who would give anything to be here to live a life?! Don’t you remember how you watched me watch him die? How you watched death swoop in and steal him away as everyone around fought their hardest to keep him here? How can you be living this way? This selfish way of hurting yourself and the others who love you and have done nothing but try to support you and love you. You are here, you are alive, and Ronan can’t be, but this is how you honor him? By taking for granted the breath that you breathe and the life that you are so LUCKY to live? How hurtful that is to watch. How I feel like my guts are being ripped out from the insides as I silently scream to myself. How dare you take such a precious thing, for granted. Don’t you remember that little boy who you so claimed to love? Well, he is dead and you are alive and this is how you give thanks to being reminded of how precious life really is.”
I will never understand this. I get that everyone has their demons. I get that everyone has their “stuff” but I’m about fed up with the excuses being made to why a life is just here to be wasted.
Ronan, you should be here. I know you would have appreciated every single second and not wasted a minute on a poor fucking me pity party. You fucking had cancer and that never even caused you to have a poor me pity party day. You were always too proud to feel sorry for yourself. You were more man than half of the grown adult men I’ve known in my life at the age of 3. That speaks volumes.
I just bawled my eyes out writing everything above which is what I’ve been needing to do. I always do the most crying when I am writing which is why it’s not good for me to take breaks from this blog for so long. The book writing is different and I don’t seem to cry as often when I am writing it. I’m also just passed your diagnoses and that didn’t really make me cry, it only made me vomit uncontrollably for most of the night. Only on this blog do the snotty, ugly faced, can’t see out of my eyes, tears pour down my cheeks. I’m sure the further I get with this book, the more the tears will come.
I’m feeling a little better now except I’m all of a sudden so tired I can hardly hold my eyes open, but I will continue on.
Back to this life that is here now that I live without you. I’ll tell you the stories of the days filled with your brothers and Poppy. How Liam now runs to my car door before I get into the driver’s seat to open it for me. Just out of the blue, he started doing this and now he does it every time I get in my car. I know your daddy taught him this or explained the rules to him on “How to be a gentleman.” Or maybe Liam just picked it up from always watching your daddy do it for me. It used to annoy the shit out of me. Like I was up on my high horse screaming, “I’m a feminist! I’m independent! I DON’T need my car door opened!” I’m come off that high horse and just let myself appreciate how lucky I am to have a daddy like yours who doesn’t let the little things, get lost.
Quinn has been doing a great job of helping to fill your shoes and take care of me. He always seems to be right by my side, making sure I’m o.k. “How are you feeling, mom. Are you o.k. today, mom? Is there anything else I can help you with, mom?” He may be asking these things while pounding Liam over the head (there has been a lot of fighting lately it seems) but he is still asking.
And then there is your Poppy sister. Everyday she reminds me of you. Her eyes are getting bluer and bluer by the day. I’m holding my breath that they will stay blue. I know in the big world scheme of things, it doesn’t matter, but my gawd that would be nice.
Today was one of those days where I felt so inspired and so giddy by the things I see going on in the world/all the good people out there that it left my head spinning.
I got a Fed Ex package and squealed with delight as Quinn brought it to me. I ripped it open to find something I have been waiting for, very impatiently, for days. Your very own SpirtHood! I burst out into tears as I examined it and watched Quinn put it on his head. I contacted SpirtHoods about a year ago telling them how much you loved yours, asked them if they would donate some to us to hand out for all the sweet bald-headed kids on the cancer floor and that lead to this.
“I was wondering if you would consider making a Spicy Monkey SpirtHood in honor of Ronan with a portion of the proceeds going to his foundation.”
We talked about what it would look like and decided that the inside would be purple for you and there would also be a big fat Gold Ribbon for childhood cancer on the inside as well.
The owner of SpirtHoods, Chase, was on board immediately. I was excited then. I am over the moon exited, now. To actually physically have the sample in my hands today felt so amazing. Like it was actual hard proof that your little short life, is so impactful. I emailed Chase back and told him thank you so much for not only supporting you, Ronan, but for all the awareness this will bring for these kids who so desperately need it. Not to mention, all the bald headed babes they are going to help keep warm in the artic tundra of hospitals. I’m so excited and so proud to be a part of something that I know you would have loved. It may seem like a small feat in the grand scheme of things, Ro, but to me, it means the world.
This is all I can do tonight, little man. I need to blog about so much more!
OMG! Like our GOLD PARTY September 28th that Bret Michaels is throwing with us. I promise more details soon on that!
And OMG! The family pictures we had taken today, minus our family because it was just me, Poppy, and your brothers. It felt so weird, but I got through it as best as I could. I need to brag my life away about the sweet soul who took our pictures, etc….
I promise to do so, soon. I am just too wiped to do so as of now. Have to get some shut-eye.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
And I can’t stop smiling and crying because of all the beautiful souls out there who have come my way because of you, Ronan.
This was one of the songs we used to always sing to Ronan. It is so special to our entire family. Holly, you are amazingly talented and DARLING. Thank you for making my night.
Ronan. Fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m venting on here tonight and I don’t even care. I have been spending all of my nights, writing about this nightmare for this book and going back to re read my blog, which I’ve NEVER done, to reference some things.
This is beyond torture. I knew this was going to be hard, but SHITBALLS! This is beyond sick. I would give anything to be tucking you into bed instead.
So, the little time at night that I sleep, I have been having horrific nightmares. Last night, Poppy had cancer and went from being my healthy, chubby baby girl, to wilting away in my arms as I watched her die. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Can’t I catch a break around here?! I mean, I wake up to a nightmare everyday, which is not having you here, and I can’t even go to sleep without being tortured as well. Where are my puppies, unicorns and rainbows when I need them? Oh, I remember. I stopped subscribing to those a long time ago. Lucky me. Whatever. It is impossible for me to have gone through something like this and just stick my head in the sand and pretend like nothing happened. I’m so sick of hearing from the idiots of the world that now that I have Poppy, I should just move on and leave all of this behind. Well, nobody has ever told this to my face, but as always, I hear the whispers and they are whispers of BULLSHIT from sad souls who are obviously so self absorbed that they think that going through something like this, then having a baby makes everything disappear. That is so very untrue and so very ignorant.
Leave all of this behind?! Are you kidding me? Never. I will never sell my soul to the devil that way. I will never sell out and “move on” from Ronan. Yesterday, I woke up to 7 kids dying of cancer. 7!!!! And that is only in the United States! Where are the riots on the street for that?!? Unbelievable.
I am not going anywhere, ever. I will stay here and continue to fight for you, Ronan and for all of these other kids until the day I die. I am not going “back” to my life of happy. I am a tortured soul and I can live with that. If anybody that is close to me has a problem with that, then please feel free to exit. The whispers are getting beyond fucking annoying.
Ronan. I started that rant a while ago. I think I was in the middle of being consumed by my writing at night and obviously I needed a break. My break came at the perfect timing as my childhood best friend, invited us down to stay with her over the weekend in Hood River, Oregon. It’s taken me a while to be able to say yes to something like this. I know Amy has been wanting to see me for a while now, but it’s honestly taken me this long to get back to that place where I feel I can see people again. Coming to your Nana and Papa’s is wonderful in so many ways, but I do tend to turn into a little of a hermit here. Meaning I don’t go out and do a lot of things. I prefer to stay home and only venture out for little adventures, here and there. Thankfully, they have enough acres and space to make us feel like we are in a different world, off doing a million adventures, without having to leave or drive anywhere to do so. When Amy asked to see us, I hesitated a little bit but ended up telling her we would come to her. We needed a change of scenery and I very much needed a break from my writing. Plus, I really have missed my dear friend.
We headed out on Friday for a weekend full of all thing amazing and beautiful that the Pacific Northwest has to offer this time of year. Mountain biking up some wicked trails, running through sprinklers, blueberry picking, ice cream, watching the boys play and splash on the beach, an amazing hike, all in a 48 hour period. Your brothers had such fun with her boys that they didn’t want to leave. I handled the weekend pretty well and tried not to let the wind get knocked out of me every time Amy’s very spicy 3-year-old, did something naughty. Oh, how he reminded me of you. He even has that same color of copper hair. Seeing your brothers with him and watching them giggle whenever he did something he was not supposed to do, broke my heart over and over again. But I survived the weekend much like the way I survive this life, by being surrounded by really amazing people and letting myself get lost in the smiles from your brothers and cuddles from your sister.
At one point Amy said to me, “You know you can put Poppy down, right?” Apparently I had been walking around pretty much the entire weekend, without setting her down except for when I had to change her diaper, but I hadn’t noticed this. I just looked at Amy and said, “Put her down? I never put her down. I can’t.” Errrrrr… I might be turning into an obsessive psycho maniac over your sister, but we all know there is a good reason behind this. Besides the fact that she is just too adorable to ever stop staring at.
Our weekend was wonderful and I’m back to the grind of trying to juggle 50 things at once. Yesterday, I felt so beat down that I almost cracked. It’s times like these that your Nana can sense it all and looks at me and says, “Give me Poppy and go for a run to blow off some steam.” That’s precisely what I did. It’s going to be hard to leave this place to go back to the realities of Arizona. It is still really hard for me to be there, but I will stick it out until something comes along to take us elsewhere. A change is in the air I think but I’m just not sure what that looks like as of now.
I have some other not so fun things to vent about, but I’m not going to do that now as I have to get back to the hours I need to put in with your book. All will come in due time. I also have some really amazing things to share as well as the sad/beautiful seem to live hand in hand.
I miss you so much, Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
Ronan. You know what got me through today? That little secret dimple you gave Poppy. The exact same one you had hidden on your little right lower cheek. The one that only came out when you smile or pouted.
The picture below is you at around a year. This was Poppy yesterday. That secret little dimple is such a gift that every time I see it, I get butterflies in my stomach. You are beyond amazing for doing this and this is absolute proof that you played such a huge role in all things Poppy.
Thank you, Ro.
Ronan. Today being 26 months without you, made me want to hide in my bed all day long. Your baby sister woke me up this morning at exactly 3:23 a.m., just minutes before you died, to eat. How does she already know everything at just 12 weeks old? How did she know at that moment, I needed a reminder that even though you are gone, you are still with us at all times? She is already so wise beyond her years.
I wanted to hide in bed all day and do nothing but sleep, sleep, sleep. I didn’t. I played with your brothers, instead. I went for a hike with your Papa Jim, your brothers, Poppy and Jady girl. I decorated some trees with your bracelets like I always do when I am hiking or out and about at places I know you would love to be with us.
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing to you on this blog. It makes me so sad that I have so much going on, that it seems to take away time from my quiet time, writing to you. Days are filled with me making sure your brothers are enjoying their summer as much as possible and bonding with your Poppy sister by making her smile and laugh as much as I can. The quiet time I have to myself which is really late at night after everyone is asleep has been spent working on this book. I have been having a war inside my head with myself about it. I swear I am my own worst enemy. I’m constantly doing the second guessing, the what if it’s not good enough, what if I don’t make him proud. A wise little editors words haunt my head… “Remember, besides having kids, this is going to be the most permanent thing you do in life.” No pressure at all. The hardest part has been figuring out where to start, but I did it. It’s kind of like jumping off of a cliff. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, follow your heart and take a huge leap of faith. I seem to be finding my words easily and so far, I have not had to go back to reference my blog at all. I’m sure there will come a point when I have to do that, but for now I seem to be doing just fine without having to reread my painful words. I know the inspiration I am finding all comes from you, so thank you once again, little man.
I’m going to keep this short and sweet tonight as I need to get some writing done for a few hours before my eyes fall too heavy to see the computer screen. I hate 26 months without you. I’m so sorry. I miss you so much that it makes me sick. I am doing my best even though I still have days where I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep for a very long time. I can’t do that to you though. We have too many things to get done here.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
Ronan. I got though the 4th of July alright. Mostly just by being distracted which is the only thing that ever seems to get me through anything. I went through the motions and tried to be as “present” as I possibly could. This means playing croquet without you, baseball without you, watching fireworks without you, etc… Macy is still here and that always helps so much with everything. I only had one little sob fest melt down in front of a few people. I couldn’t help it. I was watching one of our family members, hold your Poppy sister for the first time. I don’t know her at all as she is related to us through marriage so this was the first time I had met her. She is young, sweet, and also a bereaved mom. Not too long ago, she lost her first baby girl to still birth. I was surprised she wanted to hold Poppy at all and honestly felt a little guilty about her having to be around a new baby at all. She scooped her up in her arms and just sat and held her while she smiled and cooed at her. Your Uncle Shawn was right there and said, “Do you guys have any kids?” She quickly said, “No, not yet,” while she fumbled with her words a bit. I thought to myself, “Yes you do” but I didn’t say it out loud. It’s not up to me to decide how one talks about their dead babies. I quickly looked up at her and said, “I’m sorry about your baby girl.” She said, “It’s o.k. I’m sorry about Ronan.” That’s all it took and there was nothing I could do but let the tears roll down my cheeks while I helplessly looked for someone, anyone, to wipe them away. I was mostly just looking for you. I cried for her and me and for this fucked up club that we are in that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I pulled myself together within a few minutes but not before Quinn came bouncing in the room just in time to look at my red, puffy eyes. That kid is always so aware of everything that is going on especially when it comes to my feelings. I sucked it up and got up to play in a little boys vs girls baseball game. Girls won of course:)
We spent the rest of the day together missing your Daddy and you. The 4th of July will never be the same again, much like all of these holidays. This one isn’t as hard for me as the others though and I enjoyed it as much as a mom could who has had the love of her life, ripped from her arms. Your brothers had a great day and at the end of the day the smiles on their faces are what gets me through these retched holidays without you. But it’s hard to watch the entire world celebrate a day when you are in constant pain yourself and also so aware of all the pain in the world as well. For me, the pain consists of all of the bereaved mom, dads and siblings and for all of these kids battling cancer. I now live a life where every single firework seems like an absolute waste of money. Every time a firework went off I thought to myself, “There goes another kids’ life and another parent’s broken heart.” I had a vision of what it would be like if just one year, fireworks didn’t exist on the Fourth of July and instead the money was donated to a childhood cancer charity. Imagine how much good that could do. That would sure make me smile much bigger than watching some lights in the sky. A girl can dream, right Ro?
Things around here have been busy, but in a calm and peaceful way. Poppy is still breastfeeding like mad so it still feels like I am feeding her around the clock. She is still sleeping through the night which I’m so amazed by. She seems to want to make my life as easy as possible; for the moment anyway. I’m sure she’s got some good tricks up her sleeve and I can’t wait to see all she has in store for me.
Ronan. I started this a few days ago and I can’t really concentrate on what I am saying to continue on with this post for a few different reasons. One being that Macy left today and I hated so much seeing her go. Who would have guessed that this girl who came into our life in the middle of your diagnoses, because of you and this blog, would be one of my greatest treasures in life? We won’t see each other for a few months and dropping her off at the airport this morning was just awful. We both cried, parted ways, and I hated every second of it. Macy is the sister I never had and my ray of sunshine that is never blinding to me. We all had the best week with her and I know Macy brings out the version of me, that I used to be. I miss that me and it’s nice to see her once in a while. I do wish I could see her more often, but for the time being I will just enjoy her when I’m in the presence of our Macy girl. Nobody makes me laugh and smile the way she does. I know this is the reason you chose to put her in our life. You always pick the best for me and I am so thankful for that.
The second reason I can’t concentrate is because of a girl named Talia who has been on my mind since I found out about her shortly after losing you. I’ve followed her updates, cheered from the sidelines, admired her bravery and attitude while dealing with the shitty hand she was dealt. Talia was diagnosed with that same mother fucker that killed you. She has been fighting non-stop for 6 years, developed a secondary cancer, but still she held on to that beautiful smile of hers. Once Talia the secondary cancer, I knew what the outcome was going to be, but that didn’t stop me for begging for things to turn out differently for her. I found out via social media today that things aren’t looking so great in terms of Talia getting her “miracle.” I want to scream from the rooftops, “WHY NOT? WHEN IS ENOUGH GOING TO BE ENOUGH? HOW MUCH OF THESE KIDS BLOOD HAS TO BE SHED?” My screaming from the rooftops really just leaves me bloody exhausted and drowning in a pool of my tears on the floor. When is this going to get better? When will these kids get an actual real fighting chance? You didn’t deserve this, Talia doesn’t deserve this, none of these babies, toddlers, kids, deserve this, yet it keeps on happening over and over and over all while people continue to look the other way. Ellen DeGeneres had Talia on her show and I am praying that she will do the right thing and help Talia continue to be a voice for childhood cancer.
I’m sad and scared for her parent’s. I made your brothers say a prayer tonight for Talia which really consisted of us all talking to you, Ronan. We asked you to let Talia just fall asleep the way you did. We asked you to help take away her pain. Liam asked you to help her to get to her happy place where she no longer will be sick. Quinn covered up his face and I watched as his eyes filled with tears and he buried his little head into his pillow. This is our life now. A life full of suffering for not only our own pain, bur for the pain of others as well. I know I will be falling asleep with tears on my pillow not only for you, but for Talia too. It shouldn’t be this way, Ronan and I will forever be sorry for everything.
I’m going to go little man. Your little Poppy is stirring. She must hear my tears and know that I need to snuggle into her. Please take good care of Talia and show her the ropes.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.